Funny quotes:

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Funny is an attitude. -- Flip Wilson
Funny, nothing ever happens nowadays. -- Edgar Bergen
Funny is funny is funny. -- Bob Newhart
Funny how life messed with you. -- Sarah Mlynowski
Funny how certain things stay with you. -- Lauren Oliver
Funny how a melody sounds like a memory. -- Eric Church
Funny always makes the bad things go away. -- Candace Bushnell
Funny how a little politeness can change people's minds. -- Sherman Alexie
Funny how the new things are the old things. -- Rudyard Kipling
Funny is funny. And if it's good, it travels. -- James Corden
Funny how gentle people get with you once you're dead. -- William Holden
Funny things happen to you in movies for silly reasons. -- Michael Caine
Funny, now I can see, how looks can be deceiving. -- Elvis Costello
Funny how you dig yourself into a hole by the teaspoon. -- Lionel Shriver
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Somebody dies and people eat your food. Funny how that works. -- Sherman Alexie
I actually opened for Chris Rock at the Funny Bone one time. -- Adam McKay
Funny thing about faith ... it goes a lot faster than it comes. -- Rob Thurman
Funny thing, employment. If you keep doing it, you keep getting paid. -- N. K. Jemisin
For sheer sexiness, a man must be beautiful. Funny. yes. Clever, no. -- Jilly Cooper
Funny how you can live a whole life waiting and not know it. -- Peter Heller
I have given my all Funny how you could always make me feel small -- Nicki Minaj
Funny how the nature of a normal day is the first memory to fade. -- Lionel Shriver
I want to be in 'Funny Girl.' And I want Ryan Murphy to direct it. -- Lea Michele
Funny women are honest women. -- Elizabeth Meriwether
Funny is when you're serious. -- Harvey Korman
Too much agreement kills a chat. -- Eldridge Cleaver
I can resist everything except temptation. -- Oscar Wilde
Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names. -- John F. Kennedy
You can't have everything. Where would you put it? -- Steven Wright
Remember, today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday. -- Dale Carnegie
Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday. -- Don Marquis
I never said most of the things I said. -- Yogi Berra
If two wrongs don't make a right, try three. -- Laurence J. Peter
A day without sunshine is like, you know, night. -- Steve Martin
I'm sorry, if you were right, I'd agree with you. -- Robin Williams
Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company. -- Mark Twain
I drank some boiling water because I wanted to whistle. -- Mitch Hedberg
Always remember that you are absolutely unique. Just like everyone else. -- Margaret Mead
Age is something that doesn't matter, unless you are a cheese. -- Luis Bunuel
My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them. -- Mitch Hedberg
Get your facts first, then you can distort them as you please. -- Mark Twain
The difference between stupidity and genius is that genius has its limits. -- Albert Einstein
A man in love is incomplete until he has married. Then he's finished. -- Zsa Zsa Gabor
A woman's mind is cleaner than a man's: She changes it more often. -- Oliver Herford
Never put off till tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow. -- Mark Twain
Wine is constant proof that God loves us and loves to see us happy. -- Benjamin Franklin
I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by. -- Douglas Adams
Do not take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive. -- Elbert Hubbard
When we talk to God, we're praying. When God talks to us, we're schizophrenic. -- Jane Wagner
One advantage of talking to yourself is that you know at least somebody's listening. -- Franklin P. Jones
If women ran the world we wouldn't have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days. -- Robin Williams
If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me. -- Alice Roosevelt Longworth
You have enemies? Good. That means you've stood up for something, sometime in your life. -- Winston Churchill
Children today are tyrants. They contradict their parents, gobble their food, and tyrannize their teachers. -- Socrates
People who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who do. -- Isaac Asimov
That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it. -- George Carlin
Suppose you were an idiot, and suppose you were a member of Congress; but I repeat myself. -- Mark Twain
Never argue with stupid people, they will drag you down to their level and then beat you with experience. -- Mark Twain
I may be drunk, Miss, but in the morning I will be sober and you will still be ugly. -- Winston Churchill
All my life, I always wanted to be somebody. Now I see that I should have been more specific. -- Jane Wagner
We are all here on earth to help others; what on earth the others are here for I don't know. -- W. H. Auden
Friendship is like peeing on yourself: everyone can see it, but only you get the warm feeling that it brings. -- Robert Bloch
The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that it has never tried to contact us. -- Bill Watterson
If you could kick the person in the pants responsible for most of your trouble, you wouldn't sit for a month. -- Theodore Roosevelt
Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac? -- George Carlin
Men marry women with the hope they will never change. Women marry men with the hope they will change. Invariably they are both disappointed. -- Albert Einstein
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man. -- Lana Turner
When I die, I want to die like my grandfather who died peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car. -- Will Rogers
When you go into court you are putting your fate into the hands of twelve people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty. -- Norm Crosby
I believe that if life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade... And try to find somebody whose life has given them vodka, and have a party. -- Ron White
Before marriage, a man declares that he would lay down his life to serve you; after marriage, he won't even lay down his newspaper to talk to you. -- Helen Rowland
We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up. -- Phyllis Diller
When you are courting a nice girl an hour seems like a second. When you sit on a red-hot cinder a second seems like an hour. That's relativity. -- Albert Einstein
Expecting the world to treat you fairly because you are a good person is a little like expecting the bull not to attack you because you are a vegetarian. -- Dennis Wholey
I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me - they're cramming for their final exam. -- George Carlin
A bush-warbler,Coming to the verandah-edge,Left its droppingsOn the rice-cakes. -- Matsuo Bash?Birds
I put all my genius into my life; I put only my talent into my works. -- Oscar Wilde
Relax? How can anybody relax and play golf? You have to grip the club, don't you -- Ben Hogan
My doctor gave me six months to live, but when I couldn't pay the bill he gave me six months more -- Walter Matthau
To be a successful father there's one absolute rule when you have a kid, don't look at it for the first two years -- Ernest Hemingway
You can say any fool thing to a dog, and the dog will give you this look that says, `My God, you're RIGHT! I NEVER would've thought of that -- Dave Barry
They say he's [Yogi Berra] funny. Well, he has a lovely wife and family, a beautiful home, money in the bank, and he plays golf with millionaires. What's funny about that -- Casey Stengel
Sometimes I wake up and I think I should start wearing a beret, but I don't do it. One day I'm gonna, though. You bet your ass, I will have a beret on. That's ridiculous, but it's true. I always fight with wearing a beret -- Mitch Hedberg
Kids are funny. -- Mark Waters
I'm not very funny! -- Kimbra
I like funny girls. -- Shawn Mendes
I'm really funny now. -- Wanda Sykes
Violence is not funny. -- William Friedkin
very funny my sarcastic friend -- Cassandra Clare
Everybody's funny in different ways. -- Colin Quinn
The British are so funny. -- Rose Byrne
I'm good at being funny. -- Tom Stoppard
I don't think I'm funny. -- Liam Neeson
I'm just not very funny. -- Ira Glass
It's a funny old world. -- Margaret Thatcher
You gotta keep the funny intact. -- Seth MacFarlane
My grandchildren are fabulous and funny. -- Erica Jong
I like being around funny people. -- Chelsea Martin
Inspiration strikes at very funny times. -- Gillian Jacobs
You know, funny can be universal. -- Maz Jobrani
I like smart, funny, self-deprecating men. -- Jules Asner
Women have been funny for years. -- Beth Behrs
Carol Leifer is funny, really funny. -- Chris Rock
If you're sick, watch funny movies. -- Mandy Patinkin
Everybody's funny if you love them. -- Anna Torv
I think absurdist humor is funny... -- Aziz Ansari
Sometimes WRONG is worth the FUNNY! -- Billy Gardell
Living with computers gives funny ideas. -- Wim Crouwel
Everything's funny for God's sake. Everything. -- Gloria Estefan
She's as funny as a toothache -- Erma Bombeck
When in doubt, make funny faces. -- Amy Poehler
Being funny is everything to me. -- Allison Jones
I don't mean to be funny. -- Yogi Berra
I had a very funny family. -- Zach Braff
It's funny to be a critic. -- Leslie Fiedler
I was not funny growing up. -- Tim Meadows
Not funny ha ha, funny weird -- Dean Koontz
In real life, comedians aren't funny. -- Michael Showalter
I love working with smart-funny people. -- Tom Bergeron

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