Zach Braff quotes:

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  • I was kosher until I had my Bar Mitzvah, and I parlayed officially becoming a man into telling my father I wanted to eat cheeseburgers.

  • I always liked the story of Noah's Ark and the idea of starting anew by rescuing the things you like and leaving the rest behind.

  • I came when I was in high school as part of a student exchange program with the Jewish Community Center in New Jersey, to Ramat Eliyahu. You come and volunteer for five weeks at a day camp. I was a teenager - I couldn't really appreciate it as much, and now I come back as an adult and I can really get the flavor of the city, and I love it.

  • As a kid who wasn't into sports, at school I felt almost alienated at times, whereas in the theatre community there was this amazing sense of camaraderie. Early on, we would go to rehearsals with my dad and I was like the mascot for the backstage crew. That was a big part of my childhood, so I dreamed of one day doing a play in London.

  • My mother's a psychologist, my stepfather's a psychologist, my stepmother is a therapist and my dad's a lawyer. So it was all prominent in my life. I don't know anyone who doesn't know someone on some form of prescription medicine.

  • I had no interest in sports so I didn't make friends in that traditional way where kids are in public school and they go and they join clubs, and play sports. So I kind of had to find my own way to make friends and get attention and so I just was the class clown.

  • The best way to travel abroad is to live with the locals.

  • It used to be that you came out of school, and you got married - those who were going to get married. But my peers are getting married in their early 30s, so now there's like this extra 10 years of that angst.

  • I have a great relationship with my parents. I have not been on lithium.

  • In theater or movies you see either 'I'm religious' or 'I'm an atheist.' I've never seen too much discussion of 'I believe there's a higher power but I'm hesitant to reach out to him because I don't know if I'm worthy of his attention.'

  • I'm hanging out with my New York friends, my Jersey boys, my family and loving every single second of it.

  • When we shoot 'Scrubs' I spend every waking hour of my life in an abandoned and haunted hospital. All I can date there are ghosts and they tend to be horrible snugglers.

  • I said, I'm on this TV show and I love doing it, but I don't want to be known always as the silly 'Scrubs' guy... So part of me was like, You know what? Life's short. Let's go for it.

  • Everyone has a warped vision of Hollywood and what success in Hollywood is like.

  • I had a very funny family.

  • In New York, we tip everyone. We tip doormen, we tip cab drivers, and we tip bartenders at the bar. You'll get quite an evil eye if you don't leave a tip at the bar.

  • I want to take piano lessons, I want to study at university, I want to travel, I want to do other parts, make another movie.

  • I'm by no means condemning prescription medicine for mental health. I've seen it save a lot of people's lives.

  • I think in a play it's wise to just sit back and watch other actors and be able to shape it from the audience.

  • They put all this money into these huge films and then no one goes to see them. That sort of shows they're out of touch. Then everyone in town passes on my little movie and it does really well.

  • Everyone has an idea that they think would be a great movie. Everyone has a cousin who they think you should work with.

  • I'm a person who likes these sort of movies... sad but moving 'art movies' that normally are at a festival and then they go to a small art house theater and disappear.

  • I went to film school and wanted to learn everything there was about making movies.

  • That image is a couple different people's homes that I knew growing up.

  • I didn't necessarily have a total idea when I was writing the movie of where everything was going. I just wanted to have really realistic dialogue and write like people I knew talked. I tried to keep it very real.

  • I'd always fantasized about writing a new play. Even when I had all this success in television, what I was daydreaming about in my dressing room is that one day I would do it.

  • I am really driven, but my drive doesn't effect the conversations I have in my head about life, and my worries and fears and insecurities.

  • I always encourage over-tipping if you can afford it because... share the wealth.

  • I think a lot of people are drawn to seeing people that want to be better. We see it in ourselves.

  • The way I write is that I'll actually have a conversation out loud with myself. In a weird way, I just kind of get schizophrenic and play two characters.

  • I am really driven, but my drive doesn't affect the conversations I have in my head about life, and worries and fears and insecurities.

  • I'm sure lots of actors and creative people go through this, where you have some weeks where it's all going according to plan and some weeks where you're super frustrated.

  • Yeah, I've banged some female costars. I swore I'd never tell their names, so instead I'll present some anagrams: Sahar Clahke and Haether Gharam.

  • One time I considered making a video game about my life where people control a character called 'Zach Braff' and run around being awesome. Then I realized that getting to pretend to be me would be like shooting up heroin for anyone who played it, and I don't want that on my conscience.

  • Being around blind people is always a little frustrating to me because I know they have no idea how handsome I am.

  • I was originally set to star in 'The Bourne Identity,' but I found it too difficult to even pretend to forget who I was.

  • I once fisted two babies and then used the corpses as boxing gloves to fight off the grieving parents.

  • So I was at the gas station the other day, and I saw that there was braille on the pumps. I don't see how they can cater to blind drivers. I mean, there are certain rights you should lose once you lose what makes you a person.

  • You don't need an alarm clock when you sleep with 20 models a night, one of those broads'll figure out that they better make breakfast in bed or I'll kill all of them.

  • Gay men in L.A. are all a bunch of tens looking for an eleven.

  • I'm not sure when or why the tabloid angle on me was decided that I am a cad. I would have much rather it had been that I am secretly a dentist or that I love soup.

  • My tears cure cancer too, it's just that I laugh at cancer patients.

  • I mean, I'm a writer, actor, AND director. Not to rock the boat or anything, but compare that to a carpenter and, in the end, who is the better man?

  • They say that guys who like chick flicks tend to do a little better with the ladies. Well, I INVENTED the chick flick, so you can pretty much guess where that leaves me.

  • Is 'Garden State' the next 'Citizen Kane'? Of course not. I'd like to think we aimed a little higher than that, frankly.

  • I think they're bogus, honestly. How utter garbage like Crash and Million Dollar Baby can win best picture, where true works of art such as Garden State go untouched is beyond me. It just proves how close-minded America really is, and I refuse to take part in it.

  • I think we have to acknowledge that people are different and succeed at different things, first of all. Men are better than women at some professions like firefighting, construction work, and physics. But women are better than men at some professions, too, like elementary teaching, prostitution, and giving birth. Who's to say which is more important?

  • There is one person I can think of better than me. And that's Zach Braff. What a cool guy.

  • You know I was just taking a dump one day, and then as I sat there I realized, I really do deserve better.

  • Now that 'Scrubs' is over, people seem to feel more comfortable telling me that I was a total douche to them for the past 8 years. And the whole time I'm thinking, 'Who ARE you?'

  • Compared to my talents, Whoopi Goldberg is like one of those fake plastic Buddhas you get at dollar stores. I mean really, I fail to see the humor in an overweight negro woman with dreadlocks, no eyebrows, and is named after a childish term for flatulence.

  • I like hot dogs. I like eggplant. I like pizza and creamed corn and beer. But I don't like Arabs.

  • Sure, they are the future of our world. Nike and Reebok need more factory workers every day.

  • Honestly, the only way Garden State could have been better was if I played every character. I'm awesome.

  • If we're going to solve the problems in North Korea, the first thing we're going to have to do is start helping them get basic amenities like electricity, televisions, and DVD players over there. Otherwise, how can they watch 'Garden State'?

  • I don't ask questions. I just figure the extra warm days are God's way of rewarding me for Garden State

  • Over half a century on and they're still complaining about it. Compare it to the fact that Garden State didn't win an Oscar and they seem a little petty if you ask me. I guess that just goes to show what kind of people they really are.

  • Complete garbage. It's like Garden State, but in outer space.

  • When you're the director and the writer, you never have to remember your lines, and there's no one to call you on it. On Garden State I did different lines on every take, just making crap up. And it was great each time.

  • People still make New Year's resolutions? Wow. I figured those were pointless once I perfected myself by directing, writing, and acting in Garden State. I guess it makes sense, though. It gives people a chance to hope that they can become as great as me someday.

  • People compared Garden State to the Graduate, but when was the last time you saw Dustin Hoffman doing what I do?

  • It's... it's such a weird thing. After Garden State, so many companies wanted to make my movies, and after The Last Kiss, I realized people would make anything I was in. As long as I keep this up I'll be swimming in chubby indie girl pussy.

  • If you're dumb enough to volunteer for the army, I don't see why we're supposed to feel so bad when you get shot. I'm not saying we should throw a party or anything, but is it such a tragedy? If I'd gotten shot before I made 'Garden State', yeah, that's a tragedy, but some red-state hick getting his legs blown off? Come on.

  • I like to think of myself as the Chris Benoit of the movie industry, capable of taking any picture and carrying it to box-office success. Take Garden State, without me that would have just been two hours of Portman doging.

  • I feel really bad for everyone who died on 9/11. Not just the people in the World Trade Center, Pentagon, or Flight 93, but all of the terrorists, too. 'Garden State' came out in 2004. That means none of them got a chance to see it. Let that sink in for a second. No wonder they're building a memorial.

  • If I could change anything about Garden State, it would be to cast somebody else for the female lead. Natalie just isn't really that good of an actress. Especially when compared to me. Just watch the two of us, it's light and dark. I am by far the better Jew.

  • People always say The God Father is the #1 movie of all time. But ask yourself, did you see Zach Braff in it....No you didn't. So then by default it goes to Garden State..and if youwatch two episodes of scrubs back to back that counts as the #2.

  • There's a lot of gray area in the law. Who can say, without a doubt, that I was in the wrong?

  • One of the things about Scrubs is that it's about great friendships and... as broad and as serious as we get it's always really about friendship. It's about getting through the challenging parts of your life with the help of your friends.

  • When I think about the holidays, I think about the Salvation Army guys ringing bells in front of stores. They're always so nice to you and they're always willing to give a heart to heart conversation. They actually bear the winter cold to ask for your petty cash with a smile on their face. Fudge those guys.

  • If I wasn't an actor? Hmm, I'd probably be a serial killer. I'm just so damn likeable, no one would ever suspect me.

  • Well it's not that I HATE them, but honestly if I saw two homeless people begging for money, one white and one black, and I only had one quarter... Well I'd probably keep it actually.

  • Yea, I had a dream too. Looks like mine came true.

  • People are always going to find fault with anything you do, any process that you're a part of. The creative process means taking risks, I've taken risks and I've made mistakes, but the bottom line is, could anyone else have done any better ? I have to believe that what I created was worthwhile.

  • If we've learned anything, it's that the combination of yellow smiley faces and blue polyester vests are irresistible to the inbred.

  • Yeah i saw An Inconvenient Truth, and i dont want to say it was preachy but let's not kid ourselves, i've got far more important work to do

  • It turns out Superman is weak to Kryptonite and horses.

  • I know I probably should be sad about my mother's cancer... but she still hasn't seen The Last Kiss, you know?

  • I think the saddest moments in life have humor in them. I have a memory of coming home from a funeral with my family in the back of a limousine and someone cracking a joke and us just hysterically belly laughing. It's how we always dealt with tragedy in our lives and I think it's such a healthy way to deal with sadness.

  • I think sports are very beneficial in the fight against obesity. I remember playing little league - I was the best person on the pitch by a long shot. It was only last weekend actually, I think I have some photos of it if you're interested.

  • Everyday I question myself. I look in the mirror, or read one of my scripts, or I reflect on my acting and I say to myself 'that was good...but was it Zach Braff good?' Lets just say things have been looking pretty Zach Braff so far.

  • The thing about all these charities is that who sees where the money goes? I don't and you don't. For all I know, the president of Make a Wish just used all the money to buy himself a mansion and a yacht. That's why I keep all of my money for myself, at least then I know I'm doing good for at least one person for sure.

  • I never taught a blind/deaf chick to read, but somehow I've managed to turn Scrubs into a watchable show. That may not sound like much, but take a look at my surrounding cast and ask yourself, who's the real miracle worker?

  • In my opinion, one of the biggest drawbacks about Sergio Leone films are the scores composed by Ennio Morricone. If [Leone] were as talented as I am, he would have made mixtapes for his movies instead of letting some schmuck write the soundtracks for him. But then if he were as talented as I am, he'd be Zach Braff. And have his own Grammy.

  • One of the things I like about being a celebrity is that you can get away with murder. Not just metaphorically, literally. Remember that annoying blond dog reporter at E News used to talk smack about me? I paid two mobsters five million dollars each to throw her off the Stratosphere tower in Las Vegas.

  • Michael Eisner contacted me once and asked me if he could change the name of Disneyland to 'Braffland.' I said no, because whenever I go to Disneyland there's always fat people everywhere wearing tight clothes. Disneyland, frankly, has a lot of improving to do before it gets my namesake.

  • Am I really gonna deny someone the opportunity of a lifetime just because they met me 5 easters early?

  • Women are like parking spots, the best ones are handicapped.

  • I think there are bound to be obstacles in any path to success. I mean, I'm Jewish, and there's nothing I can do about that. Instead of sitting around and feeling sorry for myself, I got over it and did something with my life.

  • Hitler was about population control.

  • Retarded kids are the best. When they ask for an autograph I just fake sign a picture and tell them that it's in invisible ink and it will show up later. They totally buy it. It saves me a fortune in markers.

  • I love 'Scrubs.' It's the best day job in the world.

  • You want to know the secret of my success? Let me tell you about eugenics...

  • I once looked in the mirror at myself and noticed that, without a doubt, I am a sexy man. In fact, I don't think I'll ever get married...it just wouldn't be fair for my spouse to catch me enjoying a look in the mirror more than having sex with her.

  • I love signing autographs! Sometimes, when people ask me for one, I keep the photo for myself and frame it. It's a Win-Win situation really; I get an extra 25 dollars in my pocket AND another portrait for my bedroom.

  • I don't want to be one of those guys, but Snape DOES kill Dumbledore.

  • It's kind of ironic that my character is a doctor who acts very gay with his best friend. I don't see how gays could ever be doctors, they spend too much time whining about everything. Just get off your soapbox and go back to designing floral arrangements

  • You know, I've occasionally tried to watch other shows besides Scrubs, but comparing them is a bit like me competing in the special Olympics. Obviously I would win without contest, but the point is that they are trying their best.

  • I was originally casted to be in the Superman movie but I read the script and realized that it was mysteriously similar to my screenplay for Zach Braff the Movie.

  • It's trust issue more than anything. I mean, whats stopping them from teaming up, dressing up like a really tall person in a trenchcoat, and then BAM. They sneak out with all your furniture

  • I procrastinate so much and I get distracted by anything.

  • I think the Bible should be re-written for today's society. We can call it 'Scrubs.'

  • Don't get me started on cold toilet seats.

  • At this point I feel like I could go out and accomplish anything. I'd just love to see Will Smith's face if he found out I, Z-Braff, have the number one rap album in the country. That'd show that no-talent uncle tom.

  • Sometimes Sarah [Chalke] starts to talk about Iraq or whatever and she gets all excited, like I actually give a crap what she's saying. Come on, she's a woman. But still, it's very cute.

  • If John McCain were really a war hero he would've won Vietnam.

  • The success of 'Scrubs' allowed me to pursue anything I felt passionately about without having to worry about money. It allowed me to spend my summer work shopping my show at a nonprofit theater.

  • A child's death is really of less value than an adult's. I mean, what could you really accomplish in a year? Not much, and that's not even talking about, you know, pay-wise.

  • A kid came up to me the other day and said, 'Hey, you're the guy on Scrubs!' Kid, I am Scrubs, and don't you forget it.

  • A lot of people consider 9/11 to be a tragedy, and in some ways it is, but I think there's also opportunity for a lot of humor there.

  • A lot of people say colonialism was 'evil' or whatever, but what have they really done with Africa since we gave it back to them? I don't think it should be considered 'racist' to admit maybe ending apartheid did more harm than good in South Africa.

  • Actually when I gave out the script, I gave it with a CD of all the music I wanted to put in the movie, and again, we never thought we'd get all that music.

  • Actually, I stopped looking at myself in the mirror years ago. I wasn't making it to work on time.

  • After all meat is meat. I don't understand why so many people are bithing about it. It's very healthy and contains lots of vitamins

  • At first, I didn't really care if global warming existed. But then I realized it means that less bums would freeze to death in the winter

  • Best movie ever?! Come on, my appearance on Arrested Development had more dynamics, realism and feel to it than the whole trilogy combined.

  • Bigger than the Beatles? Well, how many grammys did they win? Exactly, none, yet I have one, and I've never even released a CD.

  • Didn't we learn our lesson from Planet of the Apes?

  • Don't get me wrong, I love the idea of killing unwanted babies, it's just that the idea of letting women make a decision doesn't sit well with me.

  • Dude, writing, acting and directing are such easy jobs. But to do them all as awesomely as Zach Braff does, well that... that's something.

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