Steven Wright quotes:

The Bermuda Triangle got tired of warm weather. It moved to Alaska. Now Santa Claus is missing.

There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.

When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, 'Did you sleep good?' I said 'No, I made a few mistakes.'

I remember when the candle shop burned down. Everyone stood around singing 'Happy Birthday.'

Babies don't need a vacation, but I still see them at the beach... it pisses me off! I'll go over to a little baby and say 'What are you doing here? You haven't worked a day in your life!'

My theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted.

I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit the gas, people behind me stop, and I'm gone.

I love eating chocolate cake and ice cream after a show. I almost justify it in my mind as, 'You were a good boy onstage and you did your show, so now you can have some cake and ice cream.'

Whenever I think of the past, it brings back so many memories.

Last year I went fishing with Salvador Dali. He was using a dotted line. He caught every other fish.

Honestly, I just go to restaurants to eat so I won't die. If there was a pill I could take in January and then I wouldn't have to eat again for the rest of the year, I would take it. Of course, I wouldn't want to sacrifice my chocolate cake and ice cream.

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.

I have two pairs of reading glasses. One pair is for reading fiction, the other for non-fiction. I've read the Bible twice wearing each pair, and it's the same.

In a lot of ways, success is much harder than I thought it would be. I figured that you'd get here and then everything would be happily ever after. But, it's hard work, almost harder once you're successful because you've got to maintain it.

My mother is from another time - the funniest person to her is Lucille Ball; that's what she loves. A lot of times she tells me she doesn't know what I'm talking about. I know if I wasn't her son and she was flipping through the TV and saw me, she would just keep going.

When I was 16... I worked in a pet store. And they fired me because... they had three snakes in there, and one day I braided them.

Be nice to your children. After all, they are going to choose your nursing home.

Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?

I went to a general store but they wouldn't let me buy anything specific.

I liked school, but I used to dread those moments when the teacher would call me up to give an oral report. I forced myself to deal with it and not dwell on the class in front of me - to keep a straight face, give the report and concentrate on getting it right. That's normally how I perform. That's how I am.

I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.

Doing stand-up is like running across a frozen pond with the ice breaking behind you. I love it because it's dangerous.

I have an answering machine in my car. It says, I'm home now. But leave a message and I'll call when I'm out.

I think it's wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly.

I feel very lucky to make a living from my imagination; I'm very grateful for that. I like that what I do is create. I'm feeling very lucky to have had the career I had. It's gone much longer and bigger than I ever thought it would be.

I don't go off and sit down and try to write material, because then it's contrived and forced. I just live my life, and I see things in a word or a situation or a concept, and it will create a joke for me.

For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier... I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.

I went to a general store. They wouldn't let me buy anything specifically.

I'm seeing the world partially through the eyes of a kid. Not all the time. There's no black and white to it. But sometimes I'm seeing it like I'm 4.

I didn't want to be selling insurance at 40, wondering what would it have been like to do stand-up.

I saw a subliminal advertising executive, but only for a second.

I don't feel that I'm explaining the world or teaching people anything. And I'm not trying to be a mirror, showing them what's really going on the world. All I'm trying to do is think of stuff that's funny, just like when I'm kidding around with my friends.

I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left earlier they wouldn't have to go so fast.

If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.

It's very intense to be in front of a live audience. It's just an amazing experience. It's dangerous. Everything out there is heightened. The bad stuff is extra-worse. The silences are extra-silent. The good stuff is amazing. It's electric when you walk out there. For 90 minutes, you're on this other planet.

I don't like politicians, and I don't like politics. I definitely don't want to be associated with any of them.

I had to stop driving my car for a while... the tires got dizzy.

Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.

I just have a relationship with my imagination. It's like my friend, almost.

My roommate got a pet elephant. Then it got lost. It's in the apartment somewhere.

I've always had to conquer fear when I'm on stage. Basically, I was and still am a very shy person. It's absolutely in conflict with what I do. But once I deliver the first joke I'm okay. It's like I'm out there all by myself just delivering my lines to nobody in particular without ever trying to notice the audience in front of me.

If you are in a spaceship that is traveling at the speed of light, and you turn on the headlights, does anything happen?

I got a chain letter by fax. It's very simple. You just fax a dollar bill to everybody on the list.

What a nice night for an evening.

I had a friend who was a clown. When he died, all his friends went to the funeral in one car.

Last night I stayed up late playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.

All those who believe in psychokinesis - raise my hand.

I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money. They said, 'What for?' I said, 'I'm going to buy some sugar.'

I met this wonderful girl at Macy's. She was buying clothes and I was putting Slinkies on the escalator.

To the audience, it's like I'm changing the subject every five seconds, but to me, my show's almost like a 90-minute song that I know exactly. I wrote every note, and I know exactly where everything is.

I kept a diary right after I was born. Day 1: Tired from the move. Day 2: Everyone thinks I'm an idiot.

If God dropped acid, would he see people?

I was walking down the street wearing glasses when the prescription ran out.

I think God's going to come down and pull civilization over for speeding.

It doesn't matter what temperature the room is, it's always room temperature.

I always thought Johnny Carson was just brilliant, and I used to watch him and all the comics that would be on the show every night - and I'd dream about it being me.

The things I talk about and explain couldn't happen - yet, they don't seem impossible - you could say I talk about the world in an abstract perspective. But then, the world is basically insane - and it's trying to pass itself off as being a sane place. I show it for what it is.

When I'm on stage, it's really intense. My mind is going a million miles an hour, trying to remember my act, trying to say it all the right way. It's funny how different it looks and how it's happening. There are three Fellini circuses in my head, and outwardly it looks like I'm going to get a bagel.

I paint; I draw and paint - I've been doing that since I was in third grade, drawing realistically and then changing to abstract art. That was my first creative thing before guitar or comedy.

Don't you hate when your hand falls asleep and you know it will be up all night.

I'm used to seeing it, but it's weird having an Academy Award. You usually only see one of them on the TV show when they give them out, so it's kind of surreal to have one in your house.

I've been thinking of humorous things since I was... I can't remember when. All the way through elementary school, all the way through junior high, all the way through high school, through college and after college, I was thinking of the same kinds of things that I say in front of an audience now.

It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it.

Sometimes I wish my first word was 'quote,' so that on my death bed, my last words could be 'end quote.'

I was always making my friends laugh, but I never wanted the attention of the whole classroom.

Childhood was very nice. The only thing wrong was that I was so introverted, everything became a big deal... 'Oh, no, here comes the bus. Where am I gonna sit on the bus?'

It's like the Wild West, the Internet. There are no rules.

I live on a one-way street that's also a dead end. I'm not sure how I got there.

My act is an exaggeration of a part of me. I'm much more expressive off stage.

I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.

I stayed in a really old hotel last night. They sent me a wake-up letter.

My secret to staying young... Having no sense of time.

I was born. When I was 23 I started telling jokes. Then I started going on television and doing films. That's still what I am doing. The end.

I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done.

On the other hand, you have different fingers.

Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have."

A friend of mine is into Voodoo Acupuncture. You don't have to go. You'll just be walking down the street and . . . ooooohhhhhh, that's much better.

I turned my air conditioner the other way around and it got cold out. The weatherman said 'I don't understand it. It was supposed to be 80 degrees out today.' I said, oops

I used to be an airline pilot. I got fired because I kept locking the keys in the plane. They caught me on an 80 foot stepladder with a coat hanger.

I tried to hang myself with a bungee cord. I kept almost dying.

After eating, do amphibians need to wait an hour before getting out of the water?

I installed a skylight in my apartment... the people who live above me are furious!

My nephew has HDADHD. High Definition Attention Deficit Disorder. He can barely pay attention, but when he does it's unbelievably clear.

I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.

Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.

I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five.

I saw a bank that said '24 Hour Banking,' but I don't have that much time.

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

I bought some batteries, but they weren't included.

Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.

I wish the first word I ever said was the word quote, so right before I die I could say unquote.

The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese

Winny and I lived in a house that ran on static electricity. If you wanted to run the blender, you had to rub balloons on your head. If you wanted to cook, you had to pull off a sweater real quick

I plugged my phone in where the blender used to be. I called someone. They went "Aaaaahhhh..."

I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed-reading accident. I hit a bookmark.

Why don't they make the whole plane out of that black box stuff.

I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time'. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.

I went to this restaurant last night that was set up like a big buffet in the shape of an Ouija board. You'd think about what kind of food you want, and the table would move across the floor to it.

I had just received my degree in Calcium Anthropology... the study of milkmen.

When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any firearms with me. I said, 'Well, what do you need?'

Last year we drove across the country...We had one cassette tape to listen to on the entire trip... I don't remember what it was...

All of the people in my building are insane. The guy above me designs synthetic herbals for ceramic cats.

I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.

I had my coat hangers spayed.

I once locked my keys out of my car. I had to break out of my car with a coat hanger.

I have the world's largest collection of seashells. I keep it on all the beaches of the world... perhaps you've seen it.

I saw a small bottle of cologne and asked if it was for sale. She said, "It's free with purchase." I asked her if anyone bought anything toda

I put contact lenses in my dog's eyes. They had little pictures of cats on them. Then I took one out and he ran around in circles.

My father was a small claims court jester.

Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect.

The sun got confused about daylight savings time. It rose twice. Everything had two shadows.

Sponges grow in the ocean. That just kills me. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be if that didn't happen.

My dental hygienist is cute. Every time I visit, I eat a whole package of Oreo cookies while waiting in the lobby. Sometimes she has to cancel the rest of the afternoon's appointments.

If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?

My neighbor has a circular driveway... he can't get out.

I worked in a health food store once. A guy asked me, 'If I melt dry ice, can I take a bath without getting wet?

If I melt dry ice, can I swim without getting wet?