Robin Williams quotes:

Having George W. Bush giving a lecture on business ethics is like having a leper give you a facial, it just doesn't work!

The Statue of Liberty is no longer saying, 'Give me your poor, your tired, your huddled masses.' She's got a baseball bat and yelling, 'You want a piece of me?'

The Second Amendment says we have the right to bear arms, not to bear artillery.

For me, comedy starts as a spew, a kind of explosion, and then you sculpt it from there, if at all. It comes out of a deeper, darker side. Maybe it comes from anger, because I'm outraged by cruel absurdities, the hypocrisy that exists everywhere, even within yourself, where it's hardest to see.

Divorce is expensive. I used to joke they were going to call it 'all the money,' but they changed it to 'alimony.' It's ripping your heart out through your wallet.

I do believe in love; it's wonderful - especially love third time around, it's even more precious; it's kind of amazing.

Gentiles are people who eat mayonnaise for no reason.

My mother's idea of natural childbirth was giving birth without makeup. She was hyper-positive - the world is a wonderful place, rainbows and unicorns. If you said anything contrary to her, you were basically exiled.

In 'The Secret Agent,' it's basically a character that was admired by Theodore Kaczynski, which is some fan mail you don't really want to open. This is a man who is a chemist and who specializes in making bombs and despises humanity.

Canada is like a loft apartment over a really great party.

People say satire is dead. It's not dead; it's alive and living in the White House.

Never pick a fight with an ugly person, they've got nothing to lose.

My style is bad white-boy dancing. I can do swing a little bit, but nothing beyond that. My solo dancing is sad. I use my arms, badly.

Tweets? That stuff kills conversation. And people taking pictures with their phone or recording you, sometimes surreptitiously, is creepy. They come up and just start talking to you, and you can see the red light on their phone.

The bad thing about being a famous comedian is that every now and then someone approaches me to tell an old joke. Don't tell me jokes - I have that. People also say the weirdest things, sometimes sarcastic things, and even evil things. They like to provoke to get a reaction.

One of my favourite actors of all time, although he doesn't necessarily play villains, is Peter Lorre.

I don't have a college degree, and my father didn't have a college degree, so when my son, Zachary, graduated from college, I said, 'My boy's got learnin'!'

The essential truth is that sometimes you're worried that they'll find out it's a fluke, that you don't really have it. You've lost the muse or - the worst dread - you never had it at all. I went through all that madness early on.

Politics is so personal, vicious and immediate, how are you going to get anything done? Even the local politics where I live have gotten so ugly.

What's right is what's left if you do everything else wrong.

I bought one of the first Nintendo systems and brought that home, and we were playing 'Legend of Zelda' at the time, and it was addicting, and I was playing it for hours and hours and hours.

I basically started performing for my mother, going, 'Love me!' What drives you to perform is the need for that primal connection. When I was little, my mother was funny with me, and I started to be charming and funny for her, and I learned that by being entertaining, you make a connection with another person.

I was only a leading man for a minute; now I'm a character actor.

I enjoy performing for heavily armed people. It's easier than going to Georgia.

I loved school, maybe too much, really. I was summa cum laude in high school. I was driven that way.

I love kids, but they are a tough audience.

With film roles, it just has to be a character either I haven't done before, or a role with somebody really interesting or with an interesting person or group of people.

Sometimes over things that I did, movies that didn't turn out very well - you go, 'Why did you do that?' But in the end, I can't regret them because I met amazing people. There was always something that was worth it.

I used to think that the worst thing in life was to end up alone. It's not. The worst thing in life is to end up with people who make you feel alone.

Being in the same room with people and creating something together is a good thing.

I'm much more open to being a supporting actor right now. At the age of 60, I'll be second fiddle. Fine. I'm happy to do it.

The 'Aladdin' thing - that's not work; that's just fun. Three days in the recording studio going mad, then the animators do all the work. Not a bad way to cash a large check, my friend.

In America they really do mythologise people when they die.

If women ran the world we wouldn't have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days.

If women ran the world there would be no wars. However every 28 days there would be some very intense negotiations.

Some are born great. Some achieve greatness. Some get it as a graduation gift.

Comedy is acting out optimism.

I love doing live action movies, but there's a great job in doing animation, especially one with music.

Look at airport security now. What started out as definite racial profiling is now where the computer picks a name. That's why you get a seven-month-old getting a pat down. [Imitates a security officer.] "Check the diapers. They're full."

Now you can't even carry a nail clipper on a plane. Are they afraid you're going to go..."All right! Give me the plane or the b*tch loses her cuticle." ?

Cocaine is God's way of telling you you are making too much money.

I used to think the worst thing in life was to end up all alone. It's not. The worst thing in life is to end up with people who make you feel all alone.

The Chinese had accused the Tibetans of being terrorists, which is weird. A Tibetan terrorist is like an Amish hacker. It just doesn't fit.

We're dealing with fundamentalists... the Amish are fundamentalists, but they don't try and hijack a carriage at needlepoint. And, if you're ever in Amish country and you see a man with his hand buried in a horse's ass, that's a mechanic. Remember that.

Keith Richards is the only man who can make the Osbournes look Amish.

Taking Viagra after open heart surgery is like a Civil War re-enactment with live ammo. Not good.

If I asked you about love, you'd probably quote me a sonnet. But you've never looked at a woman and been totally vulnerable. Known someone that could level you with her eyes, feeling like God put an angel on earth just for you. Who could rescue you from the depths of hell.

I believe Ronald Reagan can make this country what it once was... a large Arctic region covered with ice.

You will have bad times, but they will always wake you up to the stuff you weren't paying attention to.

I was in Iraq, Afghanistan, Djibouti, Bahrain. The first year I went pretty much by myself. Then I went with General [Richard] Myers, head of the Joint Chiefs of Staff. The shows and audiences were amazing. You'll never get a better group of people.

The French don't have a baseball team. And if they did, there'd only be a left field, and no one would be safe.

Improv. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't, but when it does, it's like open-field running.

Ah, yes, divorce... from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet.

I love to ride my bike, which is great aerobics, but also just a great time for me to think, so it's like this terrific double bill.

With mountain biking, it's always that constant thing, negotiating singletrack, which I like, but for a road ride that rhythm is really Buddhist. When you get a good pedal stoke, it's that thing of everything works.

Life is fleeting. And if you're ever distressed, cast your eyes to the summer sky when when the stars are strung across the velvety night. And when a shooting star streaks through the blackness, turning night into day... make a wish and think of me.

There's three things in this world that you need: Respect for all kinds of life, a nice bowel movement on a regular basis, and a navy blazer.

Clouds are like boogers hanging on the nostrils of the moon.

The Russians love Brooke Shields because her eyebrows remind them of Leonid Brezhnev.

We had gay burglars the other night. They broke in and rearranged the furniture.

The idea of the industrial fishing affects everyone. Those factory ships play this game of hit and run with the international fishing limits, and somebody said it's like hunting squirrels with a bulldozer. They pull everything in and they are only looking for certain types of fish and everything else dies and they just throw it back. It's like chumming.

Good people end up in Hell because they can't forgive themselves.

What is this demilitarized zone? Whatever it is, I like it! Gets you on your toes better than a strong cup of cappuccino.

Carpe per diem - seize the check.

If you listen real close, you can hear them whisper their legacy to you. Go on, lean in. Listen, you hear it? Carpe diem, seize the day boys, make your lives extraordinary.

Comedy can be a cathartic way to deal with personal trauma.

Come on now! You kick out the gooks, the next thing you know, you have to kick out the chinks, the spicks, the spooks, the kikes and all that's going to be left is a couple of brain-dead rednecks.

Sucking the marrow out of life doesn't mean choking on the bone.

They're talking about partial nuclear disarmament, which is also like talking about partial circumcision - you either go all the way or forget it.

The human body was designed by a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area ?

We've had cloning in the South for years. It's called cousins.

I play a lot of computer games. I love computer graphics. I've had Pixar in me for a long time.

Change is not popular; we are creatures of habit as human beings. 'I want it to be the way it was.' But if you continue the way it was there will be no 'is.'

Cricket is basically baseball on valium.

Just now when I said, "I have a crush on you," you didn't say, "no way loser". I'd rather have a lobotomy by a leper. That means something

Reality is just a crutch for people who can't cope with drugs.

A lot of celebrities golf because they want to be away. For them it's a chance to get away and be peaceful. For me it's peaceful to ride [cycling].

You appreciate little things, like walks on the beach with a defibrillator.

Honey, you [Michael Jackson] gotta pick a race first. All of a sudden you're a black man, then you're Diana Ross, now you're Audrey Hepburn. Then he's got the little beard going on. He's like Lord of the Rings, the entire cast. Michael's about to jump species.

My religious background is that my mother is a Christian Dior Scientist

Don't mess with me, man, I'm a lawyer!

I had to stop drinking alcohol because I used to wake up nude in front of my car with my keys in my ass.

Beer commercials usually show big men, manly men, doing manly things: 'You've just killed a small animal. It's time for a light beer.' Why not have a realistic beer commercial, with a realistic thing about beer, where someone goes, 'It's five o'clock in the morning. You've just pissed on a dumpster. It's Miller time.'

It's five o'clock in the morning. You've just pissed on a dumpster. It's Miller time.

When you create you get a little endorphin rush. Why do you think Einstein looked like that?

And you get that little endorphin buzz, it's great. Why do you think Einstein looked like that? I don't think he was going 'You know this is some dynamite weed! It's all relative you know'.

My favorite thing to do is ride a bicycle. I ride road bikes. And for me, it's mobile meditation.

Everyone has these two visions when they hold their child for the first time. The first is your child as an adult saying "I want to thank the Nobel Committee for this award." The other is "You want fries with that?".

You're only given a little spark of madness. You mustn't lose it.

I met Jonah Lomu. I never knew how huge he was. I felt like a peasant in a Godzilla movie. 'Quickly! Tell the other villagers! We go now!'

It's always great when you want scientific fact to get a really good science fiction writer to talk to you about it.

That's the formaldehyde. That's why Granny's so well-preserved

I love running cross-country...You come up a hill and see two deer going, 'What the hell is he doing?' On a track I feel like a hamster.

All you have to do is think one happy thought, and you'll fly like me.

My favorite is when you go to Afghanistan and you meet the special forces guys, and they look like these heavily armed surfers. These guys are the best. You see guys dressed as full Afghans, but then wearing a Yankees hat.

Most of all, I want to thank my father, up there, the man who when I said I wanted to be an actor, he said, 'Wonderful. Just have a back-up profession like welding.'

[when asked about what he was most thankful about]: Being alive. After heart surgery, you dig that part. Breath, family and friends are just amazing. Just to have a second shot is pretty great!

How much more can you give? Other than, literally, open-heart surgery onstage? Not much. But the only cure you have right now is the honesty of going, this is who you are. I know who I am.

It's hotter than a snake's ass in a wagon rut

Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?

We used to be hunter-gatherers, now we're shopper-borrowers.

I'm sorry, if you were right, I'd agree with you.

I'm fascinated by the new iPhone. I bought it and kept trying to use it in France. "Siri, what is a good restaurant?" (In a robotic voice.) "I'm sorry, Robin. I can't give locations in France." "Why, Siri?" "I don't know." It's like she was upset with the French or something. "They seem to have an attitude I can't understand. Should I look for Germans, Robin?"

Texting and driving at the same time is like jerking off and juggling at the same time. Too many balls in the air, if you catch my drift.

I started doing comedy because that was the only stage that I could find. It was the pure idea of being on stage. That was the only thing that interested me, along with learning the craft and working, and just being in productions with people.

No matter what people tell you, words and ideas can change the world.

I thought lacrosse was what you find in la church.

Being a functioning alcoholic is kind of like being a paraplegic lap dancer - you can do it, just not as well as the others, really.

Gentlemen, haven't we learned anything from the music of John Lennon? All we need is love.

When the media ask George W. Bush a question, he answers, 'Can I use a lifeline?'

Even when I did my Broadway show, I did 15 minutes no one had seen before, because that was the night that Michael Jackson protested about Al Sharpton bailing on him. I said, "Wow, if that man bails on you, this must be really a lost cause."

Seize the day. Make your life extraordinary.

You don't need cocaine! There's another way to get real high, and really mess your mind up, it's called marathon running!

You can start any 'Monty Python' routine and people finish it for you. Everyone knows it like shorthand.

Avoid using the word 'very' because it's lazy. A man is not very tired, he is exhausted. Don't use very sad, use morose. Language was invented for one reason boys - to woo women - and in that endeavor, laziness will not do.

You'll notice that Nancy Reagan never drinks water when Ronnie speaks.

Go pump some neurons. Expand your craniums

I got to ninth grade and there was wrestling, and I went, 'Wait a minute, this is fun.' Basically, it was a chance for a small kid like me to get a chance to wail on another small kid. I went, 'I love this.' The discipline of it was great. Plus, I really started to be good at it.

A woman would never make a nuclear bomb. They would never make a weapon that kills, no, no. They'd make a weapon that makes you feel bad for a while.

A Pentagon official once said the people who would actually push the button probably have never seen a person die. He said the only hope -and it's a strange thought - is if they put the button to launch the nuclear war behind a man's heart. The President, then, with a rusty knife, would have to cut out the man's heart, kill the man, to get to the button.