Will Rogers quotes:

Even if you're on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit there.

Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.

Instead of giving money to found colleges to promote learning, why don't they pass a constitutional amendment prohibiting anybody from learning anything? If it works as good as the Prohibition one did, why, in five years we would have the smartest race of people on earth.

Ohio claims they are due a president as they haven't had one since Taft. Look at the United States, they have not had one since Lincoln.

The 1928 Republican Convention opened with a prayer. If the Lord can see His way clear to bless the Republican Party the way it's been carrying on, then the rest of us ought to get it without even asking.

About all I can say for the United States Senate is that it opens with a prayer and closes with an investigation.

Too many people spend money they haven't earned to buy things they don't want to impress people they don't like.

A difference of opinion is what makes horse racing and missionaries.

People are getting smarter nowadays; they are letting lawyers, instead of their conscience, be their guide.

Diplomats are just as essential to starting a war as soldiers are for finishing it... You take diplomacy out of war, and the thing would fall flat in a week.

Communism to me is one-third practice and two-thirds explanation.

If you want to be successful, it's just this simple. Know what you are doing. Love what you are doing. And believe in what you are doing.

I have a scheme for stopping war. It's this - no nation is allowed to enter a war till they have paid for the last one.

The more that learn to read the less learn how to make a living. That's one thing about a little education. It spoils you for actual work. The more you know the more you think somebody owes you a living.

If I studied all my life, I couldn't think up half the number of funny things passed in one session of congress.

What the country needs is dirtier fingernails and cleaner minds.

Politics has become so expensive that it takes a lot of money even to be defeated.

One-third of the people in the United States promote, while the other two-thirds provide.

I guess there is nothing that will get your mind off everything like golf. I have never been depressed enough to take up the game, but they say you get so sore at yourself you forget to hate your enemies.

I don't make jokes. I just watch the government and report the facts.

Don't gamble; take all your savings and buy some good stock and hold it till it goes up, then sell it. If it don't go up, don't buy it.

Things in our country run in spite of government, not by aid of it.

A remark generally hurts in proportion to its truth.

Worrying is like paying on a debt that may never come due.

Everything is changing. People are taking their comedians seriously and the politicians as a joke.

If advertisers spent the same amount of money on improving their products as they do on advertising then they wouldn't have to advertise them.

Let advertisers spend the same amount of money improving their product that they do on advertising and they wouldn't have to advertise it.

So let's be honest with ourselves and not take ourselves too serious, and never condemn the other fellow for doing what we are doing every day, only in a different way.

Buy land. They ain't making any more of the stuff.

When should a college athlete turn pro? Not until he has earned all he can in college as an amateur.

There are three kinds of men. The one that learns by reading. The few who learn by observation. The rest of them have to pee on the electric fence for themselves.

If you can build a business up big enough, it's respectable.

There is nothing so stupid as the educated man if you get him off the thing he was educated in.

A holding company is a thing where you hand an accomplice the goods while the policeman searches you.

It's not what you pay a man, but what he costs you that counts.

A man only learns in two ways, one by reading, and the other by association with smarter people.

People's minds are changed through observation and not through argument.

I'm not a real movie star. I've still got the same wife I started out with twenty-eight years ago.

I bet after seeing us, George Washington would sue us for calling him 'father.'

Live in such a way that you would not be ashamed to sell your parrot to the town gossip.

We are all here for a spell, get all the good laughs you can.

When ignorance gets started it knows no bounds.

An economist's guess is liable to be as good as anybody else's.

It's a good thing we don't get all the government we pay for.

The only time people dislike gossip is when you gossip about them.

you can't say civilization dont advance, in every war they kill you in a new way

You know, everybody's ignorant, just on different subjects.

If we got one-tenth of what was promised to us in these acceptance speeches there wouldn't be any inducement to go to heaven.

Political elections are a good deal like marriages, there's no accounting for anyone's taste.

Advertising is the art of convincing people to spend money they don't have for something they don't need.

There is not a better day in the world to be spent than with a lot of wise old cowmen around barbecued beef, black coffee and good free holy beans.

Both gangs have been bad sports, so see if at least one can't redeem themselves by offering no alibis, but cooperate with the winner, for no matter which one it is the poor fellow is going to need it.

Our constitution protects aliens, drunks and U.S. Senators.

Ancient Rome declined because it had a Senate, now what's going to happen to us with both a House and a Senate?

Andrew Jackson was the first one to think up the idea to promise everybody that if they will vote for you, you will give them an office when you get it, and the more times they vote for you, the bigger the office.

People who fly into a rage always make a bad landing.

The trouble with practical jokes is that very often they get elected.

The trip across Arizona is just one oasis after another. You can just throw anything out and it will grow there, I like Arizona.

Noah must have taken into the Ark two taxes, one male and one female. And did they multiply bountifully! Next to guinea pigs, taxes must have been the most prolific animals

It's the greatest game I ever saw. You can't lose. Everybody buys to sell and nobody buys to keep. What's worrying me is who is going to be the last owner. It's just like an auction; the only one stuck is the last one.

This country has come to feel the same when Congress is in session as when the baby gets hold of a hammer.

Don't let yesterday use up too much of today.

Both political parties have their good times and bad times, only they have them at different times.

Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier 'n puttin' it back in.

The budget is like a mythical bean bag. Congress votes mythical beans into it, then reaches in and tries to pull real ones out.

Being a hero is about the shortest-lived profession on earth.

This thing of being a hero, about the main thing to it is to know when to die.

I remember when being liberal meant being generous with your own money.

The worst thing that happens to you may be the best thing for you if you don't let it get the best of you.

In the early days of the Indian Territory, there were no such things as birth certificates. You being there was certificate enough.

You know horses are smarter than people. You never heard of a horse going broke betting on people.

See what will happen if you don't stop biting your fingernails

Get someone else to blow your horn and the sound will carry twice as far.

You should never try and teach a pig to read for two reasons. First, it's impossible; and secondly, it annoys the hell out of the pig!.

Elections are a good deal like marriages. There's no accounting for anyone's taste. Every time we see a bridegroom we wonder why she ever picked him, and it's the same with public officials.

I would rather be the man who bought the Brooklyn Bridge than the man who sold it.

We Americans think we are pretty good! We want to build a house, we cut down some trees. We want to build a fire, we dig a little coal. But when we run out of all these things, then we will find out just how good we really are.

I'm not against (bull fighting). Some nations like to see blood, and some like to see their victims suffer from speculation... They kill the bull very quick. Wall Street lets you live and suffer.

This country has gotten where it is in spite of politics, not by the aid of it. That we have carried as much political bunk as we have and still survived shows we are a super nation.

Hurray! Congress is to adjourn! Only four more days of Congressional burglary on the Treasury!

When the Oakies left Oklahoma and moved to California, it raised the I.Q. of both states.

The difference between a Republican and a Democrat is the Democrat is a cannibal they have to live off each other, while the Republicans, why, they live off the Democrats.

There have been three great inventions since the beginning of time: fire, the wheel, and central banking.

Chaotic action is preferable to orderly inaction.

I doubt if a charging elephant, or a rhino, is as determined or hard to check as a socially ambitious mother.

The sales tax is the best and most equitable tax. The gasoline tax, which is nothing but a sales tax, has proven painless, productive and punitive. Everything we buy should have its equal proportion of tax, outside of cheap food and cheap clothes.

I am a great believer in high-priced people. If a thing cost a lot it may not be any better, but it adds a certain amount of class that the cheap thing can never approach; in the long run it's the higher-priced things that are the cheapest.

If the other fellow sells cheaper than you, it is called dumping. 'Course, if you sell cheaper than him, that's mass production.

My father was one-eighth Cherokee indian and my mother was quarter-blood Cherokee. I never got far enough in arithmetic to figure out how much injun that made me, but there's nothing of which I am more proud than my Cherokee blood.

Even if you're on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit there. My folks were Indian. Both my mother and father had Cherokee blood in them. I was born and raised in Indian Territory. 'Course we're not the Americans whose ancestors came over on the Mayflower, but we met them at the boat when they landed.

Never slap a man who's chewing tobacco.

Never slap a man who is chewing tobacco.

Never slap a man who's chewing tobacco. Never kick a cow chip on a hot day. Never miss a good chance to shut up.

George Washington was quite a farmer. He was a farmer, Civil Engineer and gentleman. He made enough at civil engineering to indulge in both the other luxuries.

We will never have true civilization until we have learned to recognize the rights of others.

Successful colleges will start laying plans for a new stadium; unsuccessful ones will start hunting a new coach

Does college pay? They do if you are a good open-field runner.

Communism is like prohibition, it is a good idea, but it won't work.

The United States never lost a war or won a conference.

The only difference between death and taxes is that death doesn't get worse every time Congress meets.

With Congress, every time they make a joke it's a law, and every time they make a law it's a joke.

What the Secretary of Agriculture is trying to do is to teach the farmer corn acreage control, and the hogs birth control, and one is just as hard to make understand it as the other.

I am just an old country boy in a big town trying to get along. I have been eating pretty regular and the reason I have been is because I have stayed an old country boy.

An onion can make people cry but there's never been a vegetable that can make people laugh.

Whoever said a horse was dumb, was dumb

Never kick a cow chip on a hot day.

Always drink upstream from the herd.

Don't squat with your spurs on.

If you make any money, the government shoves you in the creek once a year with it in your pockets, and all that don't get wet you can keep.

We don't seem to be able to check crime, so why not legalize it and then tax it out of business?

We don't give our criminals much punishment, but we sure give 'em plenty of publicity.

When you give a lesson in meanness to a critter or a person, don't be surprised if they learn their lesson.

Even when you make a tax form out on the level, you don't know when it's through if you are a crook or a martyr.

We can't all be heroes, because somebody has to sit on the curb and applaud when they go by.

The Democrats are going to change the name of the Hoover Dam. That is the silliest thing I ever heard of in politics . . . Lord if they feel that way about it, I don't see why they don't just reverse the two words.

The deer season just opened. A deer hunter in Ventura Country brought in his first man yesterday.

I'm not a member of an organized party. I'm a Democrat.

I am not a member of any organized political party. I am a Democrat.

When you find yourself in a hole, quit digging.

When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to youth, think of Algebra.