Phyllis Diller quotes:

My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor.

What I don't like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.

My recipe for dealing with anger and frustration: set the kitchen timer for twenty minutes, cry, rant, and rave, and at the sound of the bell, simmer down and go about business as usual.

Any time three New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument, a bank has just been robbed.

Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.

We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.

Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age - as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.

There's so little money in my bank account, my scenic checks show a ghetto.

Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing.

Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going.

My mother-in-law had a pain beneath her left breast. Turned out to be a trick knee.

You know you're old when someone compliments you on your alligator shoes, and you're barefoot.

Our dog died from licking our wedding picture.

A stand-up comic is judged by every line. Singers get applause at the end of their song no matter how bad they are.

It's a good thing that beauty is only skin deep, or I'd be rotten to the core.

A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.

The real reason your pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can't see him laughing at you.

You know you're old when your walker has an airbag.

The reason the pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can't see him laughing.

The reason women don't play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public.

I want my children to have all the things I couldn't afford. Then I want to move in with them.

You know you're old if they have discontinued your blood type.

My own laugh is the real thing and I've had it all my life.

Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.

Burt Reynolds once asked me out. I was in his room.

Aim high, and you won't shoot your foot off.

Tranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle - keep away from children.

I admit, I have a tremendous sex drive. My boyfriend lives forty miles away.

We spend the first 12 months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next 12 months teaching them to sit down and shut up.

I spent seven hours in a beauty shop... and that was for the estimate.

When you hire a person to plan your wedding, this does not include securing the groom. Plan to get married on Friday the 13th. In years to come this will make it much easier to explain why things turned out badly. To look beautiful at your wedding, take time to plan it. It took me a long time to find two ugly bridesmaids and a frumpy little flower girl.

Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance?

I like to serve chocolate cake, because it doesn't show the dirt.

My husband is so cheap. On Christmas Eve, he fires one shot and tells the kids Santa committed suicide.

Have you ever known anyone who bought a fruitcake for himself? Of course not. They are purchased as Christmas gifts, mostly for people you don't particularly like.

I was in a beauty contest once. I not only came in last, I was hit in the mouth by Miss Congeniality.

This woman goes into a gun shop and says, 'I want to buy a gun for my husband.' The clerk says, 'Did he tell you what kind of gun?' 'No,' she replied. 'He doesn't even know I'm going to shoot him.

A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.

It's a certain kind of immortality, because those Disney films do go on and on and on.

[When to have a facelift:] If you're tripping over your neck.

Health - what my friends are always drinking to before they fall down.

I've tried Buddhism, Scientology, Numerology, Transcendental Meditation, Qabbala, t'ai chi, feng shui and Deepak Chopra but I find straight gin works best.

Before you get married you should meet your fiance's parents. It is not enough that you like his parole officer.

His finest hour lasted a minute and a half.

Christmas is a time when everybody wants his past forgotten and his present remembered.

Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out.

It took me three weeks to stuff the turkey. I stuffed it through the beak.

Oh, that dog! Ever hear of a German Shepherd that bites its nails? Barks with a lisp? You say, "Attack!" And he has one. All he does is piddle. He's nothing but a fur-covered kidney that barks.

Remember there is no way you can give the father custody of the children without getting a divorce.

The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.

Old age is when the liver spots show through your gloves.

I asked the waiter, 'Is this milk fresh?' He said, 'Lady, three hours ago it was grass.'

It's an ill will that blows when you leave the hairdresser.

My timing is so precise a heckler would have to make an appointment just to get a word in.

The last thing I'd learn, well into my career, was how to get on, how to say hello, how to get in with the audience.

I buried a lot of my ironing in the back yard.

I've been asked to say a couple of words about my husband, Fang. How about short and cheap?

My father used to call me the laughing hyena.

I will never give up. I am in my 14th year of a 10-day beauty plan.

My husband is so useless that it's hard for me to be romantic with him. I get down on the floor and say, If you love me, blink your eyes.

Absolutely nothing was happening in my marriage. I nicknamed my waterbed, Lake Placid!

Tennis is like marrying for money. Love means nothing.

Women want men, careers, money, children, friends, luxury, comfort, independence, freedom, respect, love, and a three-dollar pantyhose that won't run.

We have far too many kids. At one time in the playpen there was standing-room only. It looked like a bus stop for midgets. It used to get so damp in there, we'd have a rainbow above it.

If it weren't for baseball, many kids wouldn't know what a millionaire looked like.

I'm beginning to have morning sickness. I'm not having a baby, I'm just sick of morning.

When I go to the beach, my grandchildren try to make words out of the veins in my legs. That's why I still take the pill; I don't want any more grandchildren.

Carry an oar when you drive. Three times I've ended up in water.

My mother hated me. Once she took me to an orphanage and told me to mingle

Never refer to your wedding night as the original amateur hour.

I should have suspected my husband was lazy. On our wedding day, his mother told me: "I'm not losing a son; I'm gaining a couch."

When I go to the beauty parlor, I always use the emergency entrance. Sometimes I just go for an estimate.

Once Fang took pep pills and they worked - the only time he ever ran to bed.

They just elected me Mis Phonograph Record of 1966. They discovered my measurements were 33 1/2, 45, 78!

By far the most common craving of pregnant women is not to be pregnant.

My mother-in-law must be the probation officer I got for the crime I committed of marrying my husband.

I asked my hairdresser what would look good on me. She says a Los Angeles Rams football helmet.

Some wives have model husbands, I got one that needed remodeling.

My recipe for dealing with anger and frustration set the kitchen timer for twenty minutes, cry, rant, and rave, and at the sound of the bell, simmer down and go about business as usual

A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once

You know you're old if your walker has an airbag.

It would seem that something which means poverty, disorder, and violence every single day should be avoided entirely, but the desire to beget children is a natural urge.

Life began on this planet when the first amoeba split. Mankind will still be seeking God, not accepting that God is a spirit; can't see it, touch it, only feel it. It's called LOVE.

My sister-in-law is so skinny that she has a striped dress with only one stripe.

In most states you can get a driver's license when you're sixteen years old, which made a lot of sense to me when I was sixteen years old but now seems insane.

I finally had a ship tattooed to my chest. I wanted something on it.

This woman was so cross-eyed. She can go to a tennis match and never move her head.

My photographs don't do me justice - they just look like me.

get married with the feeling it is going to last. Not like the bride I know who doubled the wedding cake recipe and froze one.

I wanted to become me, totally me. The more me, the better. I instinctively knew this and I was right.

I'm eighteen years behind in my ironing.

... if I invested in a mouthwash stock, bad breath would suddenly become popular.

... if they [your children] write their names in the dust on the furniture, don't let them put the year.

[On plastic surgery:] When I die, God won't know me. There are no two parts of my body the same age.

A friend told me the longer you keep Romano cheese, the better it gets. So, I kept it three years. And this thing turned mean. Now and then I'd open the refrigerator door and throw it some food. I'd have to walk it now and then. And then it grew this one leg. And it's got this ugly fuzz all over it. And the dogs won't run with it.

A passport picture is a photo of a man that he can laugh at without realizing that it looks exactly the way his friends see him.

Actually, I comb my hair quite often. Of course, I use an electric toothbrush.

All I ever learned at my mother's knee was what a bony knee looked like.

All mothers are working mothers.

Becoming a comedienne was my way of adjusting to puberty.

Choose a checked or striped wall paper. People will be halfway home before they are able to focus.

Comedy is tragedy revisited or hostility. It is mock hostility, of course, or it would be ugly; we would have a war.

Comedy is tragedy revisited.

Do I believe in Witchcraft? I'm the result of it.

Do not taste food while you're cooking. You may lose your nerve to serve it.

Doctors say it's okay to have sex after a heart attack, provided you close the ambulance door.

Every time I go near the stove, the dog howls.

Everybody knows how lazy he is. One day the neighbors saw Fang mow the lawn and I got three Get Well cards.

Everybody knows how much time Fang spends in bed. A local store that gives a 30 days' trial on mattresses gives Fang only 15 days.

Fang and I are always fighting. When we get up in the morning, we don't kiss; we touch gloves.

Fang can't stand to see trash & garbage lying around the house. He can't stand the competition.

Fang took the entire family out for coffee and donuts the other night. The kids enjoyed it. It was the first time they'd ever given blood.

For Fang, getting out of bed in the morning is a career move.

Have the man at the station put the air in the tires. I did it once myself. Have you ever seen a car with a limp?

He has so many muscles he has to make an appointment to move his fingers.

How do you know they're growing up? Well, the bite marks are higher.

I always wondered how I could tell when the right one came along - but it was easy. He was the only one that came along.

I am constantly being asked about individuals. The only way to win is as a team. Football is not about one or two or three star players.

I am descended from a very long line my mother once foolishly listened to.