Ron White quotes:

I believe that if life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade... And try to find somebody whose life has given them vodka, and have a party.

The way my brain processes information is quite odd. I mean, I have Attention Deficit Disorder and another learning disability I can't even spell. I don't even have a high school diploma. I'm smart, but you can't prove it on paper.

Star Wars Episode Three (And One Quarter): Revenge Of The Hicks

I believe that a bad Super Bowl halftime show is still better than a soccer game.

Years ago, while I was watching a baseball game between the Baltimore Orioles and the Texas Rangers, I remember staring in awe at Cal Ripken. I realized during this game that 'you don't have to be flashy' or have 'power numbers' to be great. It's about the simple things that are the hard things. It's about leadership, work ethic and commitment.

I really understood a lot more about comedy after listening to Bill Hicks, who died at 32 years old. He's probably the best comedian who ever lived. Although you can't say that because of Carlin, Cosby and Pryor.

Barbara was actually Jeff Foxworthy's interior designer when we first met. So, not only was Jeff responsible for my success in my career, he also introduced me to the woman who I'm going to spend the rest of my life with, which, I think, makes us even.

But I work harder now because I have so much more exposure. And actually the harder you work as a writer, the better you get at it. It's like anything else. It's a muscle you have to exercise. I write more now than ever.

There were years when I was a beer and tequila guy, then I got real fat. And then I found that you could actually go on a diet and drink scotch. Then I got hooked on scotch, and if you get hooked on scotch, then everything else just tastes wrong.

There are two kinds of comics; there are the ones who build bridges, and then there are the people who walk across the bridges as though they built them. The bridge builders are few and far between.

I quit smoking cigarettes and with the $70 a month I am saving not smoking cigarettes I'm smoking $700 worth of cigars.

If life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade....

The next time you have a thought... let it go.

I smoke really good cigars, I don't smoke Cuban cigars. I would never do anything as Un-American as smoke a decent cigar.

When life hands you lemons make lemonade. Then find someone who's life gave them Tequila and have a party.

The hardest that I've laughed at a movie was probably Team America. I laughed 'til I thought I was just gonna throw up. I almost had to turn it off.

Other states are trying to abolish the death penalty... mine's putting in an express lane.

I'm definitely guilty of thinking something is funny but thinking the audience won't. Then three years later I will finally try it and it'll kill them. I got to give them more credit.

There have been times in my life that I've had a ton of vices, and my demons have run amok for years and years and years.

I don't have a specific plan except for as long as people want to listen to me talk, I'm going to keep talking. I can't imagine a life without doing standup.

I've never been one to look up the ladder. I've always looked down the ladder. As long as there's one guy down there, I'm fine.

They call me Tater Salad

I was considered by my peers to be a good comedian. So that's all I ever strived to do was get some recognition from my peers.

Diamonds - that'll shut her up... for a minute!

I have had a front row seat to observe Darren's success over the last few years and never fully knew the keys to his achievement. He has unselfishly revealed his secrets with The Compound Effect so that others can learn from his success. In my eyes, it is more valuable than gold!

I believe everything creative is somewhat collaborative.

I started selling out comedy clubs before I got to town with no advertising. I was selling out theaters just on the rumor that I was going to be there.

The bulk of my fans are my age, and I'm aging at the same rate they are. That makes me relevant. They like hearing what I have to say. I work hard at it, but it's addicting, really.

My goal is just to become a better comedian.

Anybody could say anything they want about me, and it literally never penetrates my skin.

People are saying that I'm an alcoholic, and that's not true, because I only drink when I work, and I'm a workaholic.

You can't fix stupid.

You can't fix stupid. There's not a pill you can take, or a class you can go to.

We have hearing aids in order to fix our ears. We have lasik surgery in order to fix our eyes. People ... you can't fix stupid!

If you look at the common denominator of all the comics who have had big success, it's being true to their nature... that's what takes a long time to learn.

I believe everything creative is somewhat collaborative. If you're a painter and someone stretches your canvas, it was collaborative on some level.

I've got a great cigar collection - it's actually not a collection, because that would imply I wasn't going to smoke every last one of 'em.

You wanna get the truth out of me, get me hammered.

When I was about 12 years old back in Houston, my Dad used to take us to the driving range.

I had the right to remain silent... but I didn't have the ability.

Apparently I ain't the only cat on the block digs cheetos.

Everybody I know is a joke writer.

Everything creative is somewhat collaborative. If you're a painter and someone stretches your canvas, it was collaborative on some level. Ultimately I'm the writer for me, but also anytime one of my friends gets stuck with a bit, they can call me and I'm pretty good at helping them get there. I think we all work together on some level, but for the most part, we're on our own.

From the very beginning I started with a beer and a cigarette because I couldn't figure out what to do with my hands. So usually I have a beer and cigarette and that's what I was doing with my hands because that looked natural and felt good.

I did have a deal for a little while a cigar company that never really materialized that much, except that I ended up with 100 boxes of my own cigars with my signature on them. Which is great, they are wonderful cigars but they never really fulfilled out so now I'm out of it. I can sign up with somebody else or go pick a blend or whatever. I probably will, there is no sense in not doing it.

I did not climb to the top of the food chain to eat carrots.

I didn't get where I am today by worryin about how I'd feel tomorrow.

I do live like a rock star, but it's not as great as it sounds. It's a lot of traveling.

I don't do any corporate work.

I don't even plan things until later, so no I got no plans.

I only like the live audience. I don't even like to do standup where it's being filmed. Because it affects the way the audience responds to what you say, because it makes them uncomfortable. You have to perform in a light room, and I prefer a dark room. But I love to perform, and I don't really see myself doing any television at all.

I was a huge fan of comedy when I was a child.

I was so in love with the idea of making people laugh for a living that I didn't care what I had to do to get there. Or how much money I was going to make when I did get there.

I'd rather do a really good small part than a really bad big part.

If you kill someone in Texas, we'll kill ya back.

I'm a comedian, and I like to work on my live show, and if I'm doing television, I don't have time to work on my live show, and I can become a lame comic, and that sucks.

In my Comedy Club sets, I just work on what is fresh and try to build that show as long as I can. I don't like to do burnt material on stage. Even though my crowd loves to hear me do old stuff, I don't like to do old stuff.

In Texas, we have the death penalty, and we use it. That's right. If you come to Texas and kill somebody, we will kill you back.

It's something that's really fun to do. It's a family business.

My only goal is to make you laugh, not tell you the truth.

Naw, man, I like big, hard, throbbing co- (stunned pause) ...I did not know that about myself.

The arresting officer-who I had literally known all my life, you know what I mean? This guy lived four doors down from me in a town of less than 400 people. We've met. Anyway, at the station, he asks me if I have any aliases. And I was just being a smartass and said, "Yeah, they call me... Tater Salad." Seventeen years later, I'm handcuffed to a bench with blood coming out my nose, this cop comes up to me and says, "Are you Ron... 'Tater Salad' White?"

The biggest piece of advice that I give young comedians is: If it's your goal to get where I'm at, go do something else. Because you'll never get here. Never. The odds are so bad. Because not only do you have to be a really, really strong comedian but you also have to be lucky. And most people don't get that combination.

There are a million really good cigars, you gotta really float around cigars. It's not like being locked into a brand of cigarettes; at least to me it's not.

Why does a pair of sunglasses cost more than a 25 inch color television?

You can only do two things with your life: give it away or throw it away.

You can't ride home on a bowl of goat.

You know, my first album, some of those jokes I'd done for twelve years because I couldn't throw 'em out.