Wanda Sykes quotes:

I had top-secret clearance and everything. I was working on a couple of projects that would keep me involved in Desert Storm. I was in the mix, which is scary.

I noticed recently, in the last few shows I did, that I'm starting to get people - not a large group, but quite a few people - who come to see me because they love Curb Your Enthusiasm.

In '87, I used to do this awful, awful James Brown impression.

I think Rush Limbaugh was the 20th hijacker but he was just so strung out on Oxycontin he missed his flight ... Rush Limbaugh - I hope the country fails. I hope his kidneys fail, how about that? He needs a waterboarding, that's what he needs.

I have a funny family, but none of them are remotely in show business.

If you feel like there's something out there that you're supposed to be doing, if you have a passion for it, then stop wishing and just do it.

Yeah, I had top-secret clearance and everything.

Some black people want to get in touch with their African roots. But then you got some black people that just don't give a damn. You tell them, 'Hey, I just got back from the motherland.' "They're like, 'Where'd you go - Detroit? Did you see The Temptations?'

I'm always thinking of stuff; I just don't sit down and write it. I come up with material more as I go along; if something funny happens, I'll make a note of it on my phone.

I'm here today because I refused to be unhappy. I took a chance.

I have a well-balanced show. It's 50/50 on men/women, and also African-American/white writers, it's the same thing. I have four African-American writers, and four non-African-American writers.

I'm here today because I hated everything else.

We never hid anything from the kids. I feel whole again, I really do. I've told them, 'Mommy's boo-boo is much better now.'

My worlds collide. When one things happens, it just starts a domino effect - everything else goes on.

I'm a black, gay woman. I think the only way to make the GOP hate me more is if I sent them a video of me rolling around on a pile of welfare checks.

I have problems with YouTube and things like that, when you catch it mid production. If I'm doing a show and I'm working on a bit and someone's there with a phone, they record it and put it online - it's not the finished product.

Actually, I majored in marketing and I have a bachelor of science.

I work hard. The staff and crew see how much energy I put into this project, and it makes them step up.

You know what, I think maybe it's because men like to fart, and the host wants to be able to sit in his writers' room and just pass gas freely. Me, I'm a lady. I'm dainty. I know to get up and leave the room and go to my office.

I was funny around my family. My family, they're pretty funny, too.

It's not until you develop your own voice, your own persona onstage that you become your own comic, who you really are.

But I understand that relationship; I understand how the mother-in-law, daughter-in-law relationship has so many conflicts because it's so forced.

But I think funny and talent will always win out; I mean, of course there are hurdles, but I think if you're funny you will get over all of that.

I enjoy stand-up because it has the biggest reward: instant gratification. You can hear the people laughing.

I like doing a bunch of different things, being all over the place.

Don't bother me while I'm eating, or when I'm coming out of the crackhouse or something. Just let me get going.

Sometimes black people really want to hold onto our oppression - 'This is ours! This belongs to us.' You can't just talk about equality for somebody else. Let's pass it on. Let's pass it on to somebody else. At the end of the day, it is all about inequality.

I don't understand why people really get upset about something that doesn't affect them at all.

Whatever I talk about is what I'm interested in at the time. Politics are big with me. But being a mom is taking up most of my time. My act is more family-oriented than it is about politics.

The government shouldn't be involved in this because it's very simple. If you don't believe in same-sex marriage, then don't marry somebody of the same sex.

Mostly everything gets worse before it gets better.

To me, political office should be like jury duty. You should just get a notice in mail one day and be like, I'm Secretary of State next month!

I don't like the saying keep your friends close and enemies closer. I want my enemy on a different planet.

And then also I think it's harder for women because comedy is so opposite of being ladylike.

There are just so many more laws and rules that apply with marriage that do not come with domestic partnership and also to me it's the commitment.

I watch Jay. I watch 'Letterman'. I flip back and forth between 'Conan' and 'Letterman', especially the top of the show for those guys.

When life gives you lemons don't make lemonade, make pink lemonade. Be unique.

I think the worst one [indian mascot] is the Cleveland Indians' Big Chief Wahoo. It's just a red face on a baseball with a big, toothy grin. It's the Sambo of all other offensive mascots. I have never seen a Native American smile that hard before, not even at a casino opening.

Since when did I become the spokesperson for nappy-headed hos?

When my wife and I leave California, I want to have my marriage recognized in Nevada, Arizona, all the way to New York. How can you stop people from loving each other? How can you get upset about loving?

I hate when women compare men to dogs. Men are not dogs. Dogs are loyal. I've never found any strange panties in my dog's house.

I always had one goal, and that was to be a real funny stand-up comic, and that's pretty much what I'm doing. And everything else is kind of like gravy - TV, movies.

It's easier to rip somebody to shreds while you're making them laugh.

I sat down and wrote some jokes and went to the talent show, got up on stage, fell in love with it and never turned back.

I feel today's society is so judgmental.

If something stinks, I say it stinks. But I try to massage it a little and not be as cutting, come behind it with a joke: Hey, I cut you deep, but now let me put a couple of stitches in you.

But sometimes the women writers will pitch something and I'll hear it, but the men will keep talking.

What drives the creative person is that we see it all.

Some government workers are dedicated and work hard, but most of them are just waiting to retire.

I think it's because my comedy is in your face, and it comes from a place that's real.

I'm shy. I am. I mean, if I get around, you know, in a room of a bunch of people especially I - you know, I don't know or - it takes me a while to warm up. I'm - and the real me, I'm not as witty as, you know, as the comic Wanda. The comic, she's had time to work on some things.

It's hard to get fired from the government. You have to, like, kill people.

I love Costas. He's knows too much, but he's a good guy.

It wasn't until I became more confident with myself and I put myself forward instead of the jokes; at first it was put the jokes out there and I'm just behind the jokes.

A woman would pitch a joke. Nothing. Then a guy would pitch it and everybody would laugh.

All these teenagers tell us how much they want to grow up and then when they do they want to be young again.

As a comedian I don't think they look at me as a sexual person but I can see where with actors it would be a little difficult for them because its part of their mystique, it gives them an easier time to change characters and people aren't going oh we have a gay actor, their gay so I don't know if I'm gunna buy this guy with this girl, its weird, I don't think it's fair; it's only done with us, it seems, like they just accept everyone as straight and go along with it and then its oh their gay and make a big deal out of it.

As soon as you say 'I do,' you'll discover that marriage is like a car. Both of you might be sitting in the front seat, but only one of you is driving. And most marriages are more like a motorcycle than a car. Somebody has to sit in the back, and you have to yell just to be heard.

Being gay is harder than being black. I didn't have to come out black. I didn't have to tell my parents about what its like to be black.

Good comics stick around. There are people who have TV shows that might be successful, but comics can't really fake it. If you say, 'Hey, I love what you guys are doing - you're funny,' then you're in. It's legit.

How can you stop people from loving each other? How can you get upset about loving?

I always want to go back and do stand-up; I like the freedom.

I don't like doing the same material over and over again. It's not fun.

I felt like I was being attacked, personally attacked - our community was attacked. Now, I gotta get in their face. I'm proud to be a woman. I'm proud to be a black woman. And I'm proud to be gay.

I guess because of my act, people think that I say things they want to say, and that they can just come up and say anything to me.

I hope his kidneys fail, how about that? He needs a waterboarding, that's what he needs.

I knew something was wrong with the economy when the shampoo girl at my salon closed on a six bedroom house.

I know every time I fly, I get checked twice: they stop me at security, and then, they get me again at the gate. And last time, it was so bad, they actually made me go through the machine with the luggage.

I love my family but my family - they're the type of people that never let you forget anything you ever did... I was in the first grade Christmas play - I'm playing Mary. Now, during the course of the play, I dropped the baby Jesus... They still talk about this. I go to my family reunion, and one of my cousins just had a baby. So I'm like, 'Oh, that's a cute little baby. Let me hold the baby...' And my aunt runs over, 'Don't you give her that baby! You know she dropped the baby Jesus!'

I really can't pinpoint the one moment when I said I want to be a comic.

I think the most difficult thing about coming out is just getting to that place where you're comfortable with who you are and you're sayin' hey this is ok and just accepting yourself and not caring what other people think. Because if you don't have that confidence in who you are then, if things don't go the way you wish that they will, you know if people aren't accepting then they can easily tear you down if you're not prepared and comfortable with who you are.

I was really gifted at being able to construct a joke, but it's like they weren't even memorable, my first jokes, because they were so about nothing.

I watched a lot of comedy growing up.

If you don't believe in same-sex marriage, then don't marry somebody of the same sex.

If you have a passion for it, then stop wishing and just do it.

If you're passionate about your work, it makes the people around you want to be involved too.

I'm a comedian so I'm not waiting around for someone to write a part for me. I don't have to wait for somebody else to create my next job; I have the ability to basically write my own ticket.

I'm finally just relaxed and comfortable with who I am.

I'm going to leave The Wanda Sykes Show and try to get her job because $5 million ain't too bad!

I'm like, If you do something dumb, I'll write about it. If you put something out there, to me it's like you're kind of asking for it.

I'm proud to be a woman. I'm proud to be a black woman, and I'm proud to be gay.

I'm really funny now.

It seems like when I first started, people got into comedy because they wanted to be good comedians.

L.A. is nothing but a bunch of driving, and I hate all that damn driving 'cause it interferes with my drinking.

Lot Of Strip Clubs in Florida... Good grief... Florida has so many strip clubs, they need to change their state flag to a brass pole.

Men are dogs. Men are dogs. We got to stop it. Men are not dogs. Uh-uh. Dogs are loyal.

Men don't hear women.

My neighbor, she invited me to an Elvis party. I told her I couldn't come 'cause I'd be too busy making fun of her from behind my blinds.

Now, I think the people who are still doing stand-up are doing it because they love stand-up.

Ok so there's no TV shows, no movies going on fine, but I love going on stage and performing stand up so my situation is a little better than someone who's strictly just an actor or actress.

Once you start making money, you can be an ass. But I am not an ass. I'm too lazy, that takes a lot of energy.

People say, 'Well don't you regret not having kids?' And I go, 'No, not really.' And then if they keep asking, I always say this, 'Well, you know, maybe I'll adopt.' But I don't mean that. It's just something I say to make me sound like a nicer person.

Rush Limbaugh was the 20th hijacker. I hope his kidneys fail.

Seriously, I don't need a gun. I'm easily annoyed. I would shoot people in my house that I invited over.

Should I talk about [having breast cancer]? Because how many things could I have? You know black, lesbian - I'm like, I can't be the poster child for everything. At least with the LGBT issues we get a parade and a float and it's a party.

That word sassy - it haunts me. I keep getting the sassy thing.

That's proof right there that men and women are on different levels because men can watch two women together and that's a turn-on. It doesn't work the same way for us, does it, ladies? No, uh-uh - it doesn't work the same. You ask any woman in here her sexual fantasy, and I will bet you a million dollars that it's NOT to go home and catch your man bent over with some big, burly guy standing behind him.

That's what they want: two women. Fellas, I think that's a bit lofty. Because, come on, think about it - if you can't satisfy that one woman, why do you want to piss off another one? Why have two angry women in the bed with you at the same time? And think about it - you know how much you hate to talk after sex, imagine having two women just nagging you to death.

The first time onstage, a light went on. 'OK, this is my thing. I'm comfortable here. This is my thing.'

The president is on national TV apologizing for getting oral sex. Why didn't he just stick with his lie? You got to stick with your lie. If you lie, you have to believe that lie whole-heartedly. It has to become the truth for you. But this man, the most powerful man in the world, is on national TV apologizing for receiving oral sex. He's an idiot. There are men sitting in here right now who would gladly accept oral sex on national TV.

Then you had people who wanted to get into comedy just to get a TV deal.

There's times when I'm really shy, so these roles that I get to play, they're how I would love to really be. And that's why I love doing stand-up, because it gives me the freedom to say what I really want to say. I think that's why it's my favorite thing to do.

These CEOs, man ... If you're that ruthless, you're a scary dude. I tell you, now when I walk past a little gang banger, I don't even blink. But if I see a white dude with a Wall Street Journal, I haul ass. Before I walk past the Arthur Andersen building, I cut through the projects. If you cut through the projects, you may just lose what you have on you that day. I ain't never been mugged of my whole future.

Usually, there's nothing being thrown toward the stage or at me. Then I feel pretty good about it.

What gets me is when celebrities aren't allowed to have an opinion on anything political. There's the whole 'Shut up and sing' thing.

When I am outside at night by myself every person turns into a pedophile. So I tend to walk a little faster than usual and then I sprint.

When I'm not on T.V. or working on a movie, I'm on the road doing stand-up. That's my roots.

When my parents send me emails the first 3 are blank.

Whether you have a show or not, you can still be somewhere being funny.

white criminals commit the biggest crimes.a brother might rob a bank. a white man will rob a pension fund. the brother is going to get ten to fifteen years because he had a gun. the white guy is going to get a congressional hearing because he had a job and a nice suit.

With a black president, I can relax... I can dance in public... I can buy a whole watermelon now.

Women and our right to choose were going to be challenged with Ashcroft around. When Bush appointed Ashcroft, I went out and got me four abortions. I stocked up. The doctor was like, "Listen, you're not pregnant." I said, "Hey, just shut up and do your job. I'm exercising my right while I can, dammit.

Writers get to stay with the piece. They don't just turn the script in and somebody else takes it over and goes out and produces it and edits it and all that stuff. We stay with the piece all the way through.

You can't make a woman happy. That's like trying to cure a fatal disease. The goal is to treat the symptoms so you can comfortably live with the illness.

You know the economy is bad when illegals start complaining that Americans are taking their jobs.