George Carlin quotes:

You know an odd feeling? Sitting on the toilet eating a chocolate candy bar.

When Thomas Edison worked late into the night on the electric light, he had to do it by gas lamp or candle. I'm sure it made the work seem that much more urgent.

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, 'Where's the self-help section?' She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.

Weather forecast for tonight: dark.

Death is caused by swallowing small amounts of saliva over a long period of time.

At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.

Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit.

Well, if crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight? They never mention that part to us, do they?

The other night I ate at a real nice family restaurant. Every table had an argument going.

Inside every cynical person, there is a disappointed idealist.

In comic strips, the person on the left always speaks first.

I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me - they're cramming for their final exam.

Some people see things that are and ask, Why? Some people dream of things that never were and ask, Why not? Some people have to go to work and don't have time for all that.

There's no present. There's only the immediate future and the recent past.

When you step on the brakes your life is in your foot's hands.

Conservatives say if you don't give the rich more money, they will lose their incentive to invest. As for the poor, they tell us they've lost all incentive because we've given them too much money.

Comedy is a socially acceptable form of hostility and aggression. That is what comics do, stand the world upside down.

I would never want to be a member of a group whose symbol was a guy nailed to two pieces of wood.

Catholic, which I was until I reached the age of reason

Religion is just mind control.

What does it mean to pre-board? Do you get on before you get on?

How is it possible to have a civil war?

Catholics are against abortions. Catholics are against homosexuals. But, I can't think of anyone who has less abortions than homosexuals!

I recently went to a new doctor and noticed he was located in something called the Professional Building. I felt better right away.

Electricity is really just organized lightning

Avoid teams at all cost. Keep your circle small. Never join a group that has a name.

If your kid needs a role model and you ain't it, you're both fucked.

It's depressing to see blacks wanting to dive into the mainstream of American commercial life. They come from a magnificent African culture based on aesthetics, and they all want to become fort builders like the vicious people who originally enslaved them.

I am is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that I do is the longest sentence?

In Hawaii they say, "aloha." That's a nice one, It means both "hello" and "good-bye" Which just goes to show, if you spend enough time in the sun you don't know whether you're coming or going.

Have you ever noticed that the lawyer always smiles more than the client?

I think it would be interesting if old people got anti-Alzheimer's disease where they slowly began to recover other people's lost memories.

That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.

I don't get all choked up about yellow ribbons and American flags. I consider them to be symbols and I leave symbols to the symbol minded.

Is a vegetarian permitted to eat animal crackers?

To me, fast food is when a cheetah eats an antelope.

Language is the most elementary aspect to our humanness, probably. In addition to that, it's the embodiment, it's the apotheosis of the human experience, it's the way we summarize ourselves.

Oh Beautiful for smoggy skies, insecticided grain, For strip-mined mountain's majesty above the asphalt plain. America, America, man sheds his waste on thee, And hides the pines with billboard signs, from sea to oily sea.

Standing ovations have become far too commonplace. What we need are ovations where the audience members all punch and kick one another.

I have as much authority as the Pope, I just don't have as many people who believe it.

Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.

The IQ and the life expectancy of the average American recently passed each other in opposite directions.

Baby boomers helped me a great deal in my career. They launched me. They were there for me to sing my song to. And I'm not saying I'm better than anyone, but I think they turned that anti-authority baby boom mentality into their own enemy. Now I identify very closely with their children.

Something is wrong. War, disease, death, destruction, hunger, filth, poverty, crime, torture, corruption and the ice capades. If this is the best God can do, I am not impressed. This is not what you expect to find on the resume of a supreme being. It's what you expect from an office temp with a bad attitude.

There are no bad words. Bad thoughts. Bad intentions, and wooooords.

The things that matter in this country have been reduced in choice, there are two political parties, there are a handful insurance companies, there are six or seven information centers.. but if you want a bagel there are 23 flavors. Because you have the illusion of choice!

I'll bet there aren't too many people hooked on crack who can play the bagpipes.

What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?

If the Cincinnati Reds were really the first major league baseball team, who did they play?

At best, God can be viewed as nothing more than an uncaring incompetent father-figure

If this is the best God can do, I'm not impressed.

I think the warning labels on alcoholic beverages are too bland. They should be more vivid. Here is one I would suggest: "Alcohol will turn you into the same asshole your father was.

A person of good intelligence and of sensitivity cannot exist in this society very long without having some anger about the inequality - and it's not just a bleeding-heart, knee-jerk, liberal kind of a thing - it is just a normal human reaction to a nonsensical set of values where we have cinnamon flavored dental floss and there are people sleeping in the street.

Did you ever stop to thnk about all the people we kill? They're always people who tell us to live together in harmony and try to love one another: Jesus, Ghandi, Lincoln, John Kennedy, Bobby Kennedy, Medgar Evers, Malcolm X, Martin Luther King, John Lennon. They all said: 'Try to live together peacefully.' BAM! Right in the f--in head! Aparently we're not ready for that!

If a lobster didn't look like a sci-fi monster, people would be less able to drop him alive into boiling water.

In the doggie dictionary, under "bow wow" it says, "See "arf arf.""

If black boxes survive air crashes - why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?

Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?

The next time they give you all that civic bullshit about voting, keep in mind that Hitler was elected in a full, free democratic election

When in comes to bullshit...bigtime, major league bullshit...you have to stand in awe of the all-time champion of false promises and exaggerated claims...religion.

When it comes to bullshit, you have to stand in awe of the all-time champion of false promises and exaggerated claims: religion... Religion easily has the greatest bullshit story ever told. Religion has actually convinced people that there's an invisible man living in the sky who watches everything you do.

So, have a little fun. Soon enough you'll be dead and burning in Hell with the rest of your family.

The caterpillar does all the work, but the butterfly gets all the publicity.

And off we go, out onto the highway looking for a little fun. Perhaps a flatbed truck loaded with human cadavers will explode in front of a Star Trek reunion. One can only dream and hope.

Some national parks have long waiting lists for camping reservations. When you have to wait a year to sleep next to a tree, something is wrong.

We are all precancerous.

When he got loaded, the human cannonball knew there were not many men of his caliber.

The more complicated the order, the bigger the asshole. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a 'decaf grandee, half soy, half lowfat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one Sweet-n'-Low and one NutraSweet,' ooooh, you're a huge asshole.

Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?

Granola didn't sell very well when it was good for you. Now it has caramel, chocolate, marshmallow, saturated fat and sweeteners with a small amount of oats and grains. Sales picked up.

Dogs and cats get put to sleep; hogs and cows get slaughtered.

Valentine's Day is devoted to love. Why don't we have a day devoted to hatred? The raw, visceral hatred that is felt every hour of the day by ordinary people, but is repressed for reasons of social order. I think it would be very cathartic, and it would certainly make for an exciting six o'clock news.

Catholic school gave me the tools to reject the very religion they wanted me to have. They taught me how to think for myself and to be independent.

I'm completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. My idea is that these two institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both of them together is certain death.

I put a dollar in one of those change machines. Nothing changed.

When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?

One good reason to only maintain a small circle of friends is that three out of four murders are committed by people who know the victim.

I also survived circumcision, a barbaric practice designed to remind you as early as possible that your genitals are not your own.

Just cause you got the monkey off your back doesn't mean the circus has left town.

Cloud nine gets all the publicity, but cloud eight actually is cheaper, less crowded, and has a better view.

In Rome, the emperor sat in a special part of the Colosseum called the Caesarian Section.

I think it's the duty of the comedian to find out where the line is drawn and cross it deliberately.

Israeli murderers are called "commandos," Arab commandos are called "terrorists."

I feel sorry for confetti. Its useful life lasts about two seconds. And it can never be used again.

May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.

It used to be cars had cool names: Dart, Hawk, Fury, Cougar, Firebird, Hornet, Mustang, Barracuda. Now we have Elantra, Altima, Acura, Lumina, Sentra, Corolla, Maxima, Tercel. Further proof that America has lost its edge.

If you want to get rid of counterfeit money, put it in the collection plate at church.

People always tell me "Have a nice day." Well what if I don't want to? What if I want to have a crappy day?

A crazy person doesn't really lose his mind. It just becomes something more entertaining.

Governments don't want a population capable of critical thinking, they want obedient workers, people just smart enough to run the machines and just dumb enough to passively accept their situation.

I think of shock as kind of an uptown form of surprise. Comedy is filled with surprise, so when I cross a line... I like to find out where the line might be and then cross it deliberately, and then make the audience happy about crossing the line with me.

What wine goes with Captain Crunch?

They say that instead of cursing the darkness, one should light a candle. Nothing is mentioned, though, about cursing a lack of candles.

Men are from Earth, women are from Earth. Deal with it.

Scratch any cynic and you will find a disappointed idealist.

Those who dance are considered insane by those who cannot hear the music.

People have material needs, but you don't need a deodorant for every different day of the week. You don't need four hundred varieties of mustard. This is what I call too many choices. There are too many choices in America.

Conservatives want live babies so they can train them to be dead soldiers.

Once you leave the womb, conservatives don't care about you until you reach military age. Then you're just what they're looking for. Conservatives want live babies so they can raise them to be dead soldiers.

Military cemeteries around the world are packed with brainwashed dead soldiers who were convinced God was on their side. America prays for God to destroy our enemies. Our enemies pray for God to destroy us. Somebody's gonna be disappointed! Somebody's wasting their time! Could it be.. everyone?

Christian Deodorant: "Thou Shalt Not Smell"

People who say they don't care what people think are usually desperate to have people think they don't care what people think.

Honesty may be the best policy, but it's important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy.

The radio ad "Hi, I'm Jeff Healey from the Jeff Healey Band. Don't drink and drive. I don't". Well, I hope you don't drive sober either Mr. Healey. You're blind for God's sake!

When I first heard the song Don't worry - be happy I realized it was exactly the kind of mindless philosophy that Americans would respond to. It would make a great national anthem along with Me first.

Hallucinogens are a value changer...like it or not, it changes your values, it opens up windows (doors of perception.)

Do you remember Barbara Bush? I call her the silver douchebag.

I hate Dr Phil. Dr Phil told me to express my feelings, so I'm expressing them.

I don't care much about the outcome. I'd like for people to feel better and have better lives, but I don't think that's in the cards through political action. I think bloodshed is still the way you get dramatic change. That'll never happen because they've got all the guns now. At least they've got the nice guns, the big ones, the ones with night vision.

Jesus was a cross-dresser.

And this should go without saying. That's why I'm going to say it: Drinking and driving don't mix. Do your drinking early in the morning and get it out of the way. Then go driving while the visibility is still good.

If you ask me, we could do with a little less motivation. - The people who are causing all the trouble seem highly motivated to me. - Serial killers, stock swindlers, drug dealers, Christian Republicans.

Why is there so much controversy about drug testing? I know plenty of guys who would be willing to test any drug they could come up with

If drumsticks are for playing drums, you would think that breadsticks would be for playing bread, wouldn't you? "Would you like some breadsticks?" "No, thank you, I don't play bread. I play drums. Perhaps I'll have a drum roll."

But then you turn 30. Oooohh, what happened there? Makes you sound like bad milk! He TURNED; we had to throw him out. There's no fun now, you're Just a sour-dumpling. What's wrong? What's changed?

Dusting is a good example of the futility of trying to put things right. As soon as you dust, the fact of your next dusting has already been established.

If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted?

Electricity is really just organized lightning.

Golf is an arrogant, elitist game that takes up entirely too much space in this country.