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Weather forecast for tonight: dark. -- George Carlin
Martyrdom covers a multitude of sins. -- Mark Twain
Patriotism is the virtue of the vicious. -- Oscar Wilde
Marriage is the chief cause of divorce. -- Groucho Marx
A fool and his money are soon elected. -- Will Rogers
Love is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. -- H. L. Mencken
Always forgive your enemies - nothing annoys them so much. -- Oscar Wilde
You can put lipstick on a pig. It's still a pig. -- Barack Obama
We didn't lose the game; we just ran out of time. -- Vince Lombardi
Honesty is the best policy - when there is money in it. -- Mark Twain
My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them. -- Mitch Hedberg
Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society. -- Mark Twain
The United States is a nation of laws: badly written and randomly enforced. -- Frank Zappa
Democracy means simply the bludgeoning of the people by the people for the people. -- Oscar Wilde
I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me. -- Noel Coward
I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure. -- Clarence Darrow
The chief excitement in a woman's life is spotting women who are fatter than she is. -- Helen Rowland
Suppose you were an idiot, and suppose you were a member of Congress; but I repeat myself. -- Mark Twain
I would like to live in Manchester, England. The transition between Manchester and death would be unnoticeable. -- Mark Twain
If you find it hard to laugh at yourself, I would be happy to do it for you. -- Groucho Marx
Between men and women there is no friendship possible. There is passion, enmity, worship, love, but no friendship. -- Oscar Wilde
The Christians gave Him Sunday, the Jews gave Him Saturday, and the Muslims gave Him Friday. God has a three-day weekend. -- George Carlin
People seem to enjoy things more when they know a lot of other people have been left out of the pleasure. -- Russell Baker
I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book. -- Groucho Marx
When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me. -- Emo Philips
Sarcastic people tend to be marshmallows underneath the armor -- Stephen King
Sarcastic and merciless one, you glory in the pain you give! -- E.D.E.N. Southworth
I hope you all had a wonderful Thanksgiving. Or, as it's known to Native Americans - Sarcastic You're Welcomesgiving. -- Stephen Colbert
Whoa, what is this? Battle of the Sarcastic and Pissed? Should I make popcorn? Forget American Idol, man. This is much more entertaining. (Kish) -- Sherrilyn Kenyon
I'm a sarcastic person, and people don't get my humor sometimes. -- Sarah Hyland
In my deepest parts of sadness, I'm always making a joke or being sarcastic. -- Lea Thompson
There are different kinds of humor, some is sarcastic, some introspective. Introspective fit my personality better. -- Rita Rudner
Sometimes I say things that I think are obviously sarcastic and people take them quite literally. -- Megan Fox
I can be a very sarcastic person, and sometimes people take every word I say literally. -- Sasha Grey
A sarcastic person has a superiority complex that can be cured only by the honesty of humility. -- Lawrence G. Lovasik
Why do we laugh at such terrible things? Because comedy is often the sarcastic realization of inescapable tragedy. -- Bryant H. McGill
It's fun to be sarcastic, but now I'm able to express myself in a way that's much more sincere. -- Christina Ricci
My dream part would be to play Mitt Romney's sarcastic black maid. We could call it 'Mammy & Me.' -- Natasha Leggero
I find myself to be quite sarcastic, and I wouldn't want to be with someone who didn't get that. -- Andrej Pejic
I'm pretty sarcastic, and sometimes that doesn't come across on the Internet. It seems like I'm being rude or stupid. -- Sky Ferreira
I don't want to be with someone boring because I'm always laughing. I like to play jokes on people and be sarcastic. -- Ashley Benson
There is nothing funny about Halloween. This sarcastic festival reflects, rather, an infernal demand for revenge by children on the adult world. -- Jean Baudrillard
My dad is a very quick-witted, sarcastic, dry, humorous guy, whereas my mom's very silly, and that side of the family is very musical. -- Tim Heidecker
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I'm very bubbly, so when people meet me, they sometimes think I'm fake. I'm excited to meet new people, but I guess I sound like I'm being sarcastic. -- Lyndsy Fonseca
I like a guy who's sarcastic, serious, sensitive - even just silent. But you have to do it at the right times. That's sexy. To me, it reflects intelligence. -- Moran Atias
I got into therapy in the fifth grade because I said in a sarcastic way that I was going to kill myself, and they didn't get it then. Nothing's changed. -- Fiona Apple
My mom was sarcastic about men. She would tell me Adam was the rough draft and Eve was the final product. She was a feminist minister, an earth mom who wore a bra only on Sundays. -- Daphne Zuniga
Oscar Wilde always makes me smile - with respect and admiration. His short stories prove that it is possible to be both sarcastic, even cynical, but deeply compassionate. Just seeing the cover of one of Wilde's books in a bookshop makes me smile. -- Orhan Pamuk
Sometimes I used to think to myself, 'Have I lost a sense of humor?' but I don't think that I have. I think one can be as snarky and sarcastic as lots of people, but I have never found that it makes me particularly happy. -- Kenneth Branagh
The bad thing about being a famous comedian is that every now and then someone approaches me to tell an old joke. Don't tell me jokes - I have that. People also say the weirdest things, sometimes sarcastic things, and even evil things. They like to provoke to get a reaction. -- Robin Williams
People are totally overusing LOL and a wink - and I'm very guilty of using the wink - that's probably my favourite emoticon to use because 'I'm being sarcastic, don't misinterpret; don't misconstrue; I'm just kidding.' Again, for as many benefits as it has, also picking up the phone and having a conversation speaks volumes. -- Carly Pope
Sarcasm is weird. Even not in acting, in life I feel like 'sarcastic' is a word that people use to describe me sometimes so when I meet someone, it's almost like they feel like they have to also be sarcastic, but it can sometimes just come off as mean if it's not used in the right way. -- Aubrey Plaza
I grew up as a very sarcastic person. I was always the class clown, and to date girls, I had to be really funny. I was really skinny growing up. I was so thin, I had to run around in the shower to get wet. That kind of thin. So I always had to rely on humor and sarcasm. -- Kurt Fuller
I want someone that I can have fun with and laugh with. I love to laugh, and I'm really sarcastic, so it's important that she can take a joke. I think if you are going to be with someone for a while, you really need someone you can let loose with and let go of all the stress of the day. -- Matt Lanter
PRINT the ticket, take the ride! -- Chairman Kingmaker
You make the rarest canvas, love -- Madeline Miller
I really do mean to offend you, you know. -- Kaycee Browning
You're a big help, Mr. I Read So Many Books. -- Laura Ruby
I can be quite sarcastic when I'm in the mood. -- J. D. Salinger
Carpe Diem, just remember that we're partying on the Titanic. -- Will McIntosh
Your middle name might be discreet, but mine is resourceful, Darling. -- Ella Dominguez
Yes, because a vampire slumber party is the pinnacle of safety conscious behavior. -- Stephenie Meyer
Little-known fact about cheerleaders: They keep schedules that would make grown marines cry. -- Jennifer Lynn Barnes
A man is a penis-wrinkle when calling him a dickhead would be a compliment. -- N.M. Facile
No, but as a vampire, I'm able to detect subtle shifts in emotional energy. -- Rachel Hawkins
In every day and in every way, we're all that much closer to death. -- Charles Atkins
We are the generation of Social Media, Our biggest Revolution is a Tweet of 141 Characters. -- Sandra Chami Kassis
The Black Pit of Despair is temporarily closed for renovations. We apologize for any inconvenience. -- David C. Holley
Have you noticed we can breathe in here too?Gosh, I wouldn't have picked up on that. -- Dan Abnett
Kaspary: a level of awesomeness so high it kicks everyone else's arse, leaving them breathless and bewildered. -- Abigail Gibbs
Are you really speechless or has the vodka finally impaired your ability to function like a normal human? -- Heidi McLaughlin
Understandably she had a lot of suitors, just like any other girls in China with two arms and legs. -- Vann Chow
You're just a huge romantic at heart, aren't you?""If there's cash involved, I'm anything you want me to be. -- Jasper Fforde
If this constant bitter disappointment was love, then I was perfectly fine not to have anything to do with it. -- Vann Chow
It's weird, marriage. It's like this license that gives a person the legal right to control their spouse / their 'other half. -- Jess C. Scott
So, you're telling me the zoo commissioned you to make a zombie panda in order to avoid a potential international incident. -- Lish McBride
It's not hard to fail...it's hard to accept you failed...but once that's out of the way, it's pretty smooth sailing -- Josh Stern
Guys like him? They were the worst kind. All looks and no heart. Guys not like him? They were all deceiving, freaking asshats. -- Rucy Ban
What on earth are you wearing? Did you take orders in a convent since we spoke last? Little Sisters of the Drab and Homely. -- Tessa Dare
All right, we need a way to get into the palace. Any ideas?""Ask nicely? Charge in? Fly? Wait, do you mean reasonable ones? -- Noelle Crawford
Educational system in America is not as good as in China. You may be an idiot. It is hard to tell with you white people. -- Kate Danley
You think he left a big flashing arrow pointing to a filing cabinet labeled 'Evidence Here!'? He's a Stray, Ethan, not Wile E. Coyote! -- Rachel Vincent
wen thectaste of my own medicine is given to me results into silent treatment,its not bitter therefore i enjoy the medicine i gave you too. -- Mohlalefi j motsima
(after Quigley deduces Duane is undead, and says he must not be a legitimate human.) Duane: "Legitimate?!" Plat, shall I legitimately drop you from another cliff?! -- Ashley Cope
We went to Mexico, had some tequlia, eloped with a pair of drug smugglers, and took part-time jobs as exotic dancers. You know, same old, same old. -- Jennifer Lynn Barnes
in my enemy's country they said my enemy is a man of talents but all of them were blind and my enemy had a keen sense of smell -- Umayed tahir
God is always willing to give you the best life possible. If you change your mind at any time you are free to go back to enjoying hell. -- Shannon L. Alder
One time, I went to a restaurant and I asked the waiter for some food for thought. He left, came back, and tried shoving a sirloin in my ear. -- Travis J. Dahnke
Madame will forgive me for not perceiving her busyness. It is a sign of the highest breeding to be able to be busy whilst appearing idle to the uninformed observer. -- Louis de Bernieres
I consider conversations with people to be mind exercises, but I don't want to pull a muscle, so I stretch a lot. That's why I'm constantly either rolling my eyes or yawning. -- Jarod Kintz
The logic behind patriotism is a mystery. At least a man who believes that his own family or clan is superior to all others is familiar with more than 0.000003% of the people involved. -- Criss Jami
Goody. That must be why they were looking for a 22-caliber anything when they came by with their search warrant this morning.''They didn't!''They did.''When?''Oddly enough, right before I upped my meds. -- Sandra Balzo
People who say you are ugly, may be true, because to them, you look like a monster. People who say you are beautiful, may also be true, because to them, you look like an angel. -- Michael Bassey Johnson
The worst thing about the dead rising? (Other than, you know, all the zombies?) The smell. Nothing kills the mood like the odor of three day old road kill and poo... -Katherine Anita Cho(KyCH) -- Shawn Durnin
If you wish to be part of my life, the door is always open.The door remains open if you choose to leave..but don't just hover in the doorway with indecision because you're blocking the traffic! -- Karen Gibbs
How many kids are in the Graveyard?""A bunch.""Who sends your supplies?""George Washington. Or is it Abraham Lincoln? I forget.""How often do you receive new arrivals?""About as often as you beat your wife. -- Neal Shusterman
While I still did not know what self- actualization that sat on the top level of the pyramid meant, I could believethat if I knew I would be able to say something positive about it as well inmy life. -- Vann Chow
I started down but Sam caught my arm and knelt down himself to look. "For crying out loud," he said. "It's a racoon." "Poor thing," I said. "It could be a rabid baby-killer," Cole told me primly. "Shut up," Sam said pleasantly. -- Maggie Stiefvater
Caroline's lips thinned, her face flushed. "My husband, sir, has more secrets in his tiny, insignificant mind than the entire British War Department has had on file since its inception." She huffed with pure, disgusted outrage, lowering her gaze to the floor to murmur, "I'll kill him. -- Adele Ashworth
Murderous thieves make their home here." She failed to keep the tremor from her voice. "Absolutely," Jonas replied."Dangerous animals too.""Without a doubt."She slanted a look toward him. "Perfect place for you."He repressed a snort. "Oh, such compliments, your highness. You're going to make me blush. -- Morgan Rhodes
Perfect! Now we're being chased by hoards of monkeys! Perhaps you would care to name their species as we're attacked, just so I can appreciate the special traits of said monkey as it kills me!""At least when the monkeys are harassing you, you dont have any time to harass me! -- Colleen Houck
By the light," he said, when he had mastered himself. "I think that beats singing a lullaby to a stormdog for simplicity and economy, Maerad. But I wish I had known that you simply had to blow at Hulls to get rid of them. It would have saved me a few scars. -- Alison Croggon
So what's it to be, Bear?"Dev lifted his leg and gave a sarcastic slap to his thigh."By golly, I'll take door number two, Bob. You know the one that calls for straight suicide with a side of mutilation and pain? Sign my hairy ass up for that and don't be late. -- Sherrilyn Kenyon
Girls, on the other hand, have always come easy. I don't know why that is, exactly. Maybe it's the outsider vibe and a well-placed brooding look. Maybe it's something I think I see sometimes in the mirror, something that reminds me of my father. Or maybe I'm just damn easy on the eyes. -- Kendare Blake
very funny my sarcastic friend -- Cassandra Clare
My mind reels with sarcastic replies. -- Charles M. Schulz
Sarcasm doesn't read sarcastic in print. -- Kristen Schaal
I can be very dry and sarcastic. -- Hayden Panettiere
I have some sarcastic sides of me. -- Eden Sher
I am pretty sarcastic and pretty dry. -- Anneliese van der Pol
Colombian humor is very black, very sarcastic. -- Barbet Schroeder
I'm a sarcastic person. I learn through humor. -- Rachel Maddow
Some people don't get it when I'm being sarcastic. -- Leonardo DiCaprio
My whole family is very sarcastic and constantly making jokes. -- Emily Deschanel
A sarcastic blond genie with a bad attitude. -Clary, pg.243- -- Cassandra Clare
Sorry I'm so sarcastic. I feel really bad about it. -- Jennette McCurdy
Aw, now look at that, you're being sarcastic, aren't you? -- Alyson Noel
I'm a sarcastic person, and people don't get my humor sometimes -- Sarah Hyland
The problem with these interviews is that there's no sarcastic font. -- Zach Galifianakis

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