Groucho Marx quotes:

I, not events, have the power to make me happy or unhappy today. I can choose which it shall be. Yesterday is dead, tomorrow hasn't arrived yet. I have just one day, today, and I'm going to be happy in it.

The first thing which I can record concerning myself is, that I was born. These are wonderful words. This life, to which neither time nor eternity can bring diminution - this everlasting living soul, began. My mind loses itself in these depths.

A black cat crossing your path signifies that the animal is going somewhere.

Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly and applying the wrong remedies.

Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?

A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running.

I'm not feeling very well - I need a doctor immediately. Ring the nearest golf course.

I intend to live forever, or die trying.

There's one way to find out if a man is honest - ask him. If he says, 'Yes,' you know he is a crook.

Alimony is like buying hay for a dead horse.

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.

I wish to be cremated. One tenth of my ashes shall be given to my agent, as written in our contract.

From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Someday I intend reading it.

I have a mind to join a club and beat you over the head with it.

Some people claim that marriage interferes with romance. There's no doubt about it. Anytime you have a romance, your wife is bound to interfere.

I didn't like the play, but then I saw it under adverse conditions - the curtain was up.

Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read.

Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.

The Alps are a simple folk, living on a diet of old shoes. And the Lord Alps those who alp themselves.

Politics doesn't make strange bedfellows - marriage does.

I'm leaving because the weather is too good. I hate London when it's not raining.

I must say I find television very educational. The minute somebody turns it on, I go to the library and read a good book.

Whoever named it necking was a poor judge of anatomy.

Man does not control his own fate. The women in his life do that for him.

Before I speak, I have something important to say.

Marry me and I'll never look at another horse!

An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of bandages and adhesive tape.

If income tax is the price you have to pay to keep the government on its feet, alimony is the price we have to pay for sweeping a woman off hers.

I don't have a photograph, but you can have my footprints. They're upstairs in my socks."

A clown is like aspirin, only he works twice as fast.

When you're in jail, a good friend will be trying to bail you out. A best friend will be in the cell next to you saying, 'Damn, that was fun.'

With the possible exception of clothes, beauty salons and Frank Sinatra, there are few subjects all women agree upon.

Hey you! I told you to slow that nag down! Because of you, I almost heard the opera!

Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.

Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot.

Life is a whim of several billion cells to be you for a while

Obviously there was no point in being a bachelor if his houseman was going to filch his booze. If he was going to get robbed, he might just as well get married.

In Hollywood, brides keep the bouquets and throw away the groom.

I'm going to Iowa for an award. Then I'm appearing at Carnegie Hall, it's sold out. Then I'm sailing to France to be honored by the French government - I'd give it all up for one erection.

Marriage is the chief cause of divorce.

A thing that has always baffled me about women is that they will saturate themselves with a pint of perfume, a pound of sachet powder, an evil-smelling lip rouge, a peculiar-smelling hair ointment and a half-dozen varieties of body oils, and then have the effrontery to complain of the aroma of a fine dollar cigar.

I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member.

I don't care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members.

Why would I want to join an organization that would encourage people like myself to become members.

If you want to see a comic strip, you should see me in the shower.

Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.

Just give me a comfortable couch, a dog, a good book, and a woman. Then if you can get the dog to go somewhere and read the book, I might have a little fun.

Well, Art is Art, isn't it? Still, on the other hand, water is water. And east is east and west is west and if you take cranberries and stew them like applesauce they taste much more like prunes than rhubarb does. Now you tell me what you know.

If you take cranberries and stew them like apple sauce, it tastes much more like prunes than rhubarb does.

The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you've got it made.

There is no sweeter sound than the crumbling of one's fellow man.

Some day there will have to be some new rules established about name-calling. I don't mean the routine cursing that goes on between husband and wife, but the naming of defenseless, unsuspecting babies.

I've been looking for a girl like you - not you, but a girl like you.

All people are born alike - except Republicans and Democrats.

I've been around so long, I knew Doris Day before she was a virgin.

I read in the newspapers they are going to have 30 minutes of intellectual stuff on television every Monday from 7:30 to 8. to educate America. They couldn't educate America if they started at 6:30.

I worked my way up from nothing to a state of extreme poverty.

I know a member of one of New York's first families (first as you drive up Tenth Avenue)

A man's only as old as the woman he feels.

A child of five would understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five.

I remember the first time I had sex - I kept the receipt.

Three years ago I came to Florida without a nickel in my pocket. Now I've got a nickel in my pocket

Those are my principles, and if you don't like them... well, I have others.

A woman is an occasional pleasure but a cigar is always a smoke.

No man goes before his time - unless the boss leaves early.

How much would you want to stand at the wrong end of a shooting gallery?

Gerald Ford was unknown throughout America. Now he's unknown throughout the world.

Getting older is no problem. You just have to live long enough.

I've got the brain of a four year old. I'll bet he was glad to be rid of it.

I've known and respected your husband for many years, and what's good enough for him is good enough for me

I'm not going to pay good money to join a club that lets in people like me.

Money frees you from doing things you dislike. Since I dislike doing nearly everything, money is handy.

The husband who wants a happy marriage should learn to keep his mouth shut and his checkbook open.

A cigar makers organization once said that I was the most famous cigar smoker in the world. I dont know if thats true, but once while visiting Havana, I went to a cigar factory. There were four hundred people there rolling cigars, and when they saw me, they all stood up and applauded.

Time wounds all heels.

Hello, I must be going.

Love flies out the door when money comes innuendo.

Do you suppose I could buy back my introduction to you?

You've forgotten those June nights at the Riviera...the night I drank Champagne from your slipper - two quarts. It would have been more but you were wearing inner soles.

It isn't necessary to have relatives in Kansas City in order to be unhappy.

Years ago, I tried to top everybody, but I don't anymore. I realized it was killing conversation. When you're always trying for a topper you aren't really listening. It ruins communication

Ever since they found out that Lassie was a boy, the public has believed the worst about Hollywood

If you find it hard to laugh at yourself, I would be happy to do it for you.

She got her looks from her father. He's a plastic surgeon.

Each morning when I open my eyes I say to myself: I, not events, have the power to make me happy or unhappy today.

Madam, you're making history, in fact, you're making me, and I wish you'd keep my hands to yourself

Only one man in a thousand is a leader of men -- the other 999 follow women.

A woman can smell mink through six inches of lead.

I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it.

While money can't buy happiness, it certainly lets you choose your own form of misery.

A moose is an animal with horns on the front of its head and a hunting lodge wall on the back of it

Groucho: You know I think you're the most beautiful woman in the world? Woman: Really? Groucho: No, but I don't mind lying if it gets me somewhere.

I think women are sexy when they got some clothes on. And if later they take them off then you've triumphed. Somebody once said it's what you dont see you're interested in, and this is true.

I have just one day, today, and I'm going to be happy in it.

Be open minded, but not so open minded that your brains fall out.

One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas I'll never know.

I've met a lot of pin-up girls, but I've never been able to pin one down

I could dance with you till the cows come home. Better still, I'll dance with the cows and you come home." Groucho Marx was never one to pass up an opportunity for a play on words and this occurs in his dialogue of the 1933 film Duck Soup:

Why should I care about posterity? What's posterity ever done for me?

There's one thing I always wanted to do before I quit...retire!

Room service? Send up a larger room.

I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.

No man goes before his time / unless the boss leaves early

Outside of a dog, a book is mans best friend. Inside of a dog, its too dark to read

Come on in girls, and leave all hope behind.

Go, and never darken my towels again.

He may look like an idiot and talk like an idiot but don't let that fool you. He really is an idiot.

I have nothing but respect for you -- and not much of that.

Next time I see you, remind me not to talk to you.

I've got a good mind to go out and join a club and beat you over the head with it.

A child of five could understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five.

Here's to our wives and girlfriends...may they never meet!

A man is only as old as the woman he feels.

I love to read. My education is self-inflicted

All geniuses die young.

[Mrs. Teasdale]: He's had a change of heart. [Groucho]: A lot of good that'll do him. He's still got the same face.

Why don't you bore a hole in yourself and let the sap run out?

I could dance with you until the cows come home. On second thought I'd rather dance with the cows until you come home.

My favourite poem is the one that starts 'Thirty days hath September' because it actually tells you something.