Zach Galifianakis quotes:

I used to be really cute. I could send you earlier photos where I'm stunning. But I've gained about twenty pounds over the past two years, and the more weight I've put on, the more success I've had. If you drew a diagram of weight gain and me getting more work, a mathematician would draw some conclusions from that.

We talked about politics constantly in my family growing up in North Carolina. There were always debates. Being of Greek background, it's in our blood to drink coffee and talk politics.

When I do stand-up for a long time, I'll get burned out, then I'll get an acting gig. For me, the grass is always greener. I'd like to do a mixture of all of it. My goal is just to do small movies that I've written. That's what I'm trying to do now, just write smaller movies.

You know, sometimes if you work - if you do a lot of takes and you work long hours, for me, at least, there is a delirium that starts kicking in on the fifteenth hour, and that can help. Below the just thirteenth hour is where I have a concern, because everybody's so tired.

We all know how funny Morrissey is. Actually, you know what? I say that sarcastically. His songs are some of the funniest songs I've ever heard in my life. I mean, really. I mean, not that the 'Girlfriend in a Coma' is, like, really funny.

I would have changed my last name if being famous were my goal.

You know you have a drinking problem when the bartender knows your name -- and you've never been to that bar before.

I was just thinking how unfortunate it'd be to be a fat girl named Candy.

Whether you are on the Right or the Left, everyone can agree that there are a lot of outside influences in American politics that are not good for the system. There's just too much money.

It's not good for comedy to be like, 'Thanks for liking me.' Being popular is poison.

There's more to life than being an actor in a Hollywood movie. I'm not going to adapt my life after that existence, where a lot of people do. And they get the publicist, and they get all that stuff, and it becomes them. I think it's a stupid way to live your life. A really dumb way to live your life.

I'm not versed enough in constitutional law to run for office. I'd have to go back to school or something.

My forte is awkwardness.

That show, 'The Amazing Race' - is that about white people?

Inappropriateness is funny to me. Rudeness is hilarious.

Head gear, plus acne equals...table for one in the cafeteria.

At what age do you think it's appropriate to tell a highway it's adopted?

Tigers love pepper...they hate cinnamon.

I'm Greek. My body produces feta cheese.

There was a long time where I was an 'artist' in quotes, who had no money. But I guess back then I also never had a girlfriend.

I get burned out on standup. But I like acting. I do like it. But sometimes you just feel like a monkey. You just feel like a complete tool. But I like it. I do like it. Stand-up is just more free. A lot more freedom because you just do what you want to do.

Actually, I used to be a busboy in a strip joint in New York and so I hate strip joints. I'm not that kind of person.

I don't like cursing in movies. I feel like cursing has become the new hackiness. You try to find substitutions for cursing.

The word abbreviation sure is long for what it means.

I wish I could sit back and say, 'Oh, I'm gonna wait for a Merchant-Ivory film to come my way. Or Ivory-Merchant. Whatever it's called. But you just take what's given and then, hopefully, down the road you can be more choosy and only do, say, Wayans brothers movies. That's my goal: to be more Merchant-Ivory-Wayans.

I do whatever comes my way. But I get burned out on stage. It's a lonely world. I think part of the romanticism about being on the road is you get to meet a lot of - my mom once told me, "You've probably got a woman at every port." Like I'm a pirate. Obviously she doesn't know her son that well.

You know how some people have gay-dar? I have fat-dar. I can automatically tell if you're fat or not. And I also have cerebral-palsy-dar.

I am not into publicity. I'm not good at it. I get anxiety about it.

My name is Zach Galifianakis and I hope I'm pronouncing that right. I'm named after my granddad, my middle name. My name is Zach Granddad Galifianakis.

I love playing a curmudgeon. I just love playing a sour guy.

I have a lot of growing up to do. I realized that the other day inside my fort.

My girlfriend and I went to a dinner party the other night and we ended up playing charades. There was another couple there that was deaf. They were so good.

My headshot is a scratch and sniff, it smells like failure and onions.

I don't want my personal life to change. I don't understand why people strive for [fame]. I know it's ironic for me to be saying this, but this will be the last one I do.

I haven't been hit since Leon Spinks hit me in '92.

I'm not cynical when it comes to things that are important. I'm cynical about pop culture and all that horseshit.

The congressmen and senators used to go have a drink in D.C. They would disagree all day long, but they would find that time to sit down and learn about each other personally. I think that's totally wiped out; I don't think it really exists anymore.

I wonder if in 2050 there will be a movie called, 'Dude, Where's My Spaceship'

Reciting lines is hard; making stuff up is much, much easier.

American society loves to prop people up and then take them down.

I kind of put myself out there as is. I'm a quiet person. I don't know if that's surprising. I'm a Pilates junkie.

If you read my blog, you know I'm a pilates freak. And by pilates, I mean waffles.

I tend to think of myself as a one-man wolf pack.

I think if they put a laugh track on 'Intervention,' it would be funny.

I think comedy does have that powerful thing that doesn't seem too preachy because you're also making people laugh, so it's really kind of a good tool for messaging.

I have a 60-acre farm in North Carolina, and I have a tractor and a farmhouse. As soon as I groom the land, I want to put cabins around and have a place where people can write and hang out. It'll be either that or an all-black nudist colony.

As a comic, it's anti-comedy to be known. I think a lot of comedic actors get lost in this world of Hollywood and all this stuff. They lose what brought them there in the first place. I'm very trepidatious about it.

A good stand-up, you lead the audience. You don't kowtow to the audience. Sometimes the audience is wrong. I always think the audience is wrong.

'Baskets' isn't a CBS show. Nothing against that, but this is an off-kilter show on cable that the channel lets you do interesting things. Look, if it works, it works. And if it doesn't, it's just a miniseries.

But comedy is like music, it appeals to some people. Some people like Creed, those people are usually pretty stupid. But they probably also like Carrot Top. I would say that they're part of the same ilk.

Did you ever wake up with an erection...and find yourself in a massage chair at Brookstone? And you yell to the sales clerk "I'll take it!"

Do you ever do something, and then think to yourself: That's So Raven?

Do you remember that kid that had sex with his high school teacher? I was reading online that he died today. He died from hi-fiveing.

Don't boo people! Don't boo! Be more specific! Like, 'WHY ARE YOU DOING THAT?! I HATE THAT! I HATE IT!'

Element of surprise is really fun for me in comedy. I have to be surprised, and everything's been done.

Fat jokes to me are always, always hilarious, as long as they're done towards yourself.

Four years ago on this very day I tried to take my own life. And I said, "Zach, do it in front of your co-workers and end the misery." I don't know how many of you ever tried to jump off of a Pizza Hut, but you'll just get a sprained ankle out of the deal. Then you'll have to go back inside, and serve crazy bread.

Have you seen that show on CBS called 'The Amazing Race'? Is that show about white people?

Hookers don't like to snuggle.

I am going to be the next Ryan Gosling.

I call my balls the bush twins.

I do not have a helmet. But this is a wig, so it's a little protective.

I don't know what my assistant would do besides get me pot.

I don't like to have anybody tell me to be in a place at certain times. That's kind of the advantage of stand up. You're self-employed.

I don't mean to be gross, but the only time it's good to yell "I have diarrhea" is when you're playing Scrabble because it's worth a shitload of points.

I don't really have a pattern yet. I don't know if I'll develop one. As far as comedic integrity, I don't have integrity in general, comedic or otherwise.

I don't want to do an edgy show, I didn't want bad language. I think edginess is the new hackiness.

I dream of moving to India, or Pakistan, and becoming a cabdriver.

I dream of starting a three-man country trio called the Chixie Dicks.

I find anger to be funny. I find people that are so wrapped up in their own personalities to be funny, and lost. Like myself in real life.

I have never been much of a groomer. I take baths a lot, but I don't wear deodorant. I don't have to. I have a miraculous body scent. I've had women smell me and say that should be bottled. I would advise guys to lay off the Drakkar, because the cavemen weren't wearing it. They might have been putting mint leaves on their balls, but [your scent] is grown naturally. I have really good dating advice.

I have to stop crying when I watch "The View". It's not because of the topics at hand, I just feel sorry for that couch.

I just could just shave my beard, and nobody would recognize me. Although I look like Jodie Foster.

I just try to keep myself a traditionalist. I liked being an underground comic doing my thing. I want to maintain that. I just do.

I know my face is turning red. I don't want you to interpret it as being embarrassed. It's rage. The color of my face is rage.

I like characters that are fragile and a little bit on the edge .

I like dark comedies. That's why I like the Wayans Brothers.

I like to read the bible in public places where people are watching me read it. And I like to mumur out to myself: 'Bullshit!'

I live in Los Angeles and I had been drinking one night, so I was on the walk of fame and I saw Tony Danza's star and I started urinating on it. Just yelling out, 'Who's the boss now?'

I once walked in on my grandparents making love...And that's why I don't eat raisins.

I think comedy is a really, really good tool for trying to say something.

I think sadness and anger are really fertile ground for comedy. No one is really interested in a happy person doing comedy.

I think those neighborhood signs that say 'slow children playing' are mean.

I try to write three jokes every day. I don't sit down and write them, it's just things that pop into my head. Then I'll go watch it fail onstage that night.

I understand Tea Partyers' anger with the system, but they are in way over their heads and often racially motivated, and I can't be part of that.

I want to do another reality show. It's based on The Mole. It's about sexually transmitted diseases. It's called "God, I Hope That's a Mole."

I watch a happy person doing stand-up, and I go, "What the hell is this? This person's happy!" You need internal conflict. You need the guy to be out of step with society. It's a tool for comedy.

I would start a revolution, but I just bought a hammock.

I'd like to do a reality show with four white people...who are dropped off in a really bad black neighborhood. And the show would be called...Cracker Hunt.

If you see something, say something.

I'll never forget my grandmother's last words. She said 'What are you doing?'

I'm an American so its kind of hard for me to talk about 9/11. So whenever someone brings it up in a conversation, I say "I didn't like 9/11."

I'm proud of The Hangover, but to be in movies like this, which are really the only places I can get work, it's really quite the opposite of what I am. I like sensitive art-house movies. I'm not even much of a partier. I mean, I'll drink myself into oblivion alone in my car.

I'm terrible about people wanting to take pictures with me. I'm a giant baby about it. They treat you like a cartoon. There's nothing you can do except make light of it.

I'm terrible at heights. I hate it. I'm glad I'm only 5'7".

I'm the most mellow person offstage. I think it's just, going onstage lets me get out some frustration that I'm too shy to do in real life. Instead of doing it in private, I'd rather do it in front of 1,000 people who've paid $25 to see me lose my mind.

I'm writing a book about Siamese Twins that are attached at the nose. It's called: Stop Staring at Me!

It's fun for me to couple emotion with comedy. I think it helps comedy. I think a lot of times American comedies don't play on emotion too much.

I've always been attracted to sad. If you look at Woody Allen movies, he's often playing a sad clown, and it's always been interesting. And angry clown is even more interesting.

I've always wanted to have a Greek sitcom called Olive Lucy.

I've been happily dedicated to the same woman for a number of years. I never even look at other women.

I've never been in love... But I imagine it's similar to the feeling you get when you see your waiter arriving with your food

My brother has ADD, which is weird because he drives a Ford Focus. I told my brother that joke but he didn't laugh because he got distracted by my shoe strings.

My comfort zone is press conferences.

My dad doesn't get any of my jokes. He laughs at them, but he doesn't understand them. He's just laughing because people around him are laughing.

My father used to beat me with his belt...while it was still on him.

My girlfriend looks a little like Charlize Theron...and a lot like Patrick Ewing.

My New Year's resolution was to stop saying 'You go, girl' to myself.

My real last name is Galifianakisburg.

My stand-up is more like how I am in real life. I don't really do a character thing in stand-up. It's just a bunch of sentences that are supposed to be funny.

People are trying to prove things. And I probably have that. I probably do. Probably guilty of it, in a way.

People get TV deals by doing something in their grandmother's basement. It is definitely the wave. Everybody is trying to do all that stuff. I mean, the Internet is the only reason that I've gotten work is because I've somehow created a line and people have seen it. And then I've been asked to auditions.

Privacy is big for me. To do interviews even, I have a very love/hate with it.

That's one of the great things about comedy: we can - and should - say the things that other people aren't supposed to say. If we didn't do that, if we didn't push against those limits, we'd just be standing around onstage and yelling.

The other day, I got a henna tattoo that says "Forever."

The problem with these interviews is that there's no sarcastic font.

The whole thing about working in front of the camera is to make people laugh when they're not supposed to.

When a role seems fun it's easy to play. It kind of comes organically.

When I was in high school I used to sit by myself in the cafeteria - not necessarily by choice - but I thought it was funny to talk to people that weren't there.

When you look like I do its hard to get a table for one at Chucky Cheese.