Noel Coward quotes:

Christopher Marlowe or Francis Bacon The author of Lear remains unshaken Willie Herbert or Mary Fitton What does it matter? The Sonnets were written.

I have always paid income tax. I object only when it reaches a stage when I am threatened with having nothing left for my old age - which is due to start next Tuesday or Wednesday.

Wit ought to be a glorious treat like caviar; never spread it about like marmalade.

If you must have motivation, think of your paycheck on Friday.

My body has certainly wandered a good deal, but I have an uneasy suspicion that my mind has not wandered enough.

Squash - that's not exercise, it's flagellation.

We have no reliable guarantee that the afterlife will be any less exasperating than this one, have we?

I love criticism just so long as it's unqualified praise.

I don't believe in astrology. The only stars I can blame for my failures are those that walk about the stage.

It is discouraging how many people are shocked by honesty and how few by deceit.

If he (Peter O'Toole) had been any prettier it would have been Florence of Arabia.

I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.

Let's drink to the spirit of gallantry and courage that made a strange Heaven out of unbelievable Hell, and let's drink to the hope that one day this country of ours, which we love so much, will find dignity and greatness and peace again.

I'm not a heavy drinker, I can sometimes go for hours without touching a drop.

I have a memory like an elephant. In fact, elephants often consult me.

Mad dogs and Englishmen go out in the mid-day sun.

There's always something fishy about the French.

I don't much care for Hollywood, I'd rather have a nice cup of cocoa.

Though the fact that they have to be rebuilt And frequently mortgaged to the hilt Is inclined to take the gilt Off the gingerbread, And certainly damps the fun Of the eldest son.

Familiarity breeds contempt, but without a little familiarity it's impossible to breed anything.

Certain women should be struck regularly, like gongs.

That strange feeling we had in the war. Have you found anything in your lives since to equal it in strength? A sort of splendid carelessness it was, holding us together.

Extraordinary how potent cheap music is.

It's no use to go and take courses in playwriting any more than it's much use taking courses in acting. Better play to a bad matinee in Hull - it will teach you much more than a year of careful instruction. Come to think of it, I never did play to a good matinee in Hull . . .

The air is like a draught of wine. The undertaker cleans his sign, The Hull express goes off the line, When it's raspberry time in Runcorn.

The higher the building the lower the morals.

Many years ago I remember a famous actress explaining to me with perfect seriousness that before making an entrance she always stood aside to allow God to go on first. I can also remember that on that particular occasion He gave a singularly uninspired performance.

Having to read footnotes resembles having to go downstairs to answer the door while in the midst of making love.

Just say the lines and don't trip over the furniture.

For gin, in cruel sober truth, supplies the fuel for flaming youth.

It's no good pacing up and down. It won't make the plane arrive any faster. Just sit down and accept that we're delayed. You're just making a fool of yourself.

Wit is like caviar - it should be served in small portions and not spread about like marmalade.

A perfect martini should be made by filling a glass with gin then waving it in the general direction of Italy.

Mona Lisa looks as if she has just been sick, or is about to be.

Consider the public. Never fear it nor despise it. Coax it, charm it, interest it, stimulate it, shock it now and then if you must, make it laugh, make it cry, but above all never, never, never bore the living hell out of it.

Never trust a man with short legs. His brains are too near his bottom.

My philosophy is as simple as ever - smoking, drinking, moderate sexual intercourse on a diminishing scale, reading and writing (not arithmetic). I have a selfish absorption in the well-being and achievement of Noel Coward.

Hollywood is a place where some people lie on the beach and look up at the stars, whereas other people lie on the stars and look down at the beach.

Fifty-four years of love and tenderness and crossness and devotion and unswerving loyalty. Without her I could have achieved a quarter of what I have achieved, not only in terms of success and career, but in terms of personal happiness.

I am not a heavy drinker. I can sometimes go for hours without touching a drop

If by any chance a playwright wishes to express a political opinion or a moral opinion or a philosophy, he must be a good enough craftsman to do it with so much spice of entertainment in it that the public get the message without being aware of it.

It's discouraging to think how many people are shocked by honesty and how few by deceit.

Television is for appearing on - not for looking at.

Strange how potent cheap music is.

Madame Bovary is the sexiest book imaginable. The woman's virtually a nyphomaniac but you won't find a vulgar word in the entire thing.

I see her as one great stampede of lips directed at the nearest derriere.

Someday I suspect, when Jesus has definitely got me for a sunbeam, my works may be adequately assessed.

Trust your instincts. If you have no instincts, trust your impulses.

Success took me to her bosom like a maternal boa constrictor.

I'll go through life either first class or third, but never in second.

Work is much more fun than fun.

People are wrong when they say opera is not what it used to be. It is what it used to be. That is what's wrong with it.

A bloody good thing, but too late.

Acting is not a state of being ... but a state of appearing to be.

Acting is not a state of being ... but a state of appearing to be. You can't be eight times a week without going stark staring mad. You've got to be in control.

AMANDA: I think very few people are completely normal really, deep down in their private lives.

An infant prodigy of nine is shoved upon the stage in white. She starts off in a dismal whine about a dark and stormy night, a burglar, whose heart is true, despite his wicked-looking face, who puts the little child in doom, to save her mamma's jewel case. This may bring tears to every eye; it does not set my heart on fire. I'd like to stand serenely by and watch that horrid child expire.

Any part of the piggy Is quite all right with me Ham from Westphalia, ham from Parma Ham as lean as the Dalai Lama Ham from Virginia, ham from York, Trotters Sausages, hot roast pork. Crackling crisp for my teeth to grind on Bacon with or without the rind on Though humanitarian I'm not a vegetarian. I'm neither crank nor prude nor prig And though it may sound infra dig Any part of the darling pig Is perfectly fine with me.

As one gets older, one discovers everything is going to be exactly the same with different hats on.

At twelve noon, The natives swoon And no further work is doneBut mad dogs and Englishmen, Go out in the midday sun.

Bed is the perfect climate.

But why, oh why, do the wrong people travel, when the right people stay at home?

Christmas is at our throats again.

Comedies of manners swiftly become obsolete when there are no longer any manners.

Conceit is an outward manifestation of inferiority.

Criticism and Bolshevism have one thing in common. They both seek to pull down that which they could never build.

Everybody was up to something, especially, of course, those who were up to nothing.

Everybody worships me, it's nauseating.

Exercise is the most awful illusion. The secret is a lot of aspirin and marrons glaces.

Good heavens, television is something you appear on; you don't watch.

He must have been an incredibly good shot.

Here ends the story of a ship, but there will always be other ships, for we are an island race. Through all our centuries, the sea has ruled our destiny. There will always be other ships and men to sail in them. It is these men, in peace or war, to whom we owe so much. Above all victories, beyond all loss, in spite of changing values in a changing world, they give to us, their countrymen, eternal and indomitable pride.

He's completely unspoiled by failure.

How about slipping out of those wet things and into a dry Martini?

How foolish to think that one can ever slam the door in the face of age. Much wiser to be polite and gracious and ask him to lunch in advance.

How was your flight? Well, aeronautically it was a great success. Socially, it left quite a bit to be desired.

I also avoid green vegetables. They're grossly overrated.

I can take any amount of criticism, as long as it is unqualified praise.

I can't sing, but I know how to, which is quite different.

I do not intend to let myself down more than I can possibly help, and I find that the fewer illusions I have about myself or the world around me, the better company I am for myself.

I don't think pornography is harmful, but it is terribly, terribly boring.

I have always been very fond of them (drama critics) . . . I think it is so frightfully clever of them to go night after night to the theatre and know so little about it.

I never cared who scored the goal, or which side won the silver cup. I never learned to bat or bowl; but I heard the curtain going up.

I want a horse and plough, Chickens too, Just one cow, With a wistful moo.

I will accept anything in the theatre . . . provided it amuses or moves me. But if it does neither, I want to go home.

I write at high speed because boredom is bad for my health.

I'll go and see anything so long as it amuses me, or moves me. If it doesn't do either I want to go home.

I'm an enormously talented man, and there's no use pretending that I'm not..

I'm over-educated in the things I shouldn't have known at all.

In the first act, you get the audience's attention - once you have it, they will repay you in the second. Play through the laughs if you have to. It will only make the audience believe there are so many of them that they missed a few.

It is my considered opinion that the human race (soi disant) is cruel, idiotic, sentimental, predatory, ungrateful, ugly, conceited and egocentric to the last ditch and that the occasional discovery of an isolated exception is as deliciously surprising as finding a sudden brazil nut in what you know to be five pounds of vanilla creams. These glorious moments, although not making life actually worth living, perhaps, at least make it pleasanter.

It is not the eyes of others that I am wary of, but my own.

It's like this, dear boy, the one in front is blind and the kind one behind is pushing him.

It's never too early for a cocktail.

It's such a surprise for the Eastern eyes to see, That though the English are effete They're quite impervious to heat.

I've sometimes thought of marrying - and then I've thought again.

Labour leaders lead us all, though we know they bleed us all. Cheer our new Decline and Fall, Gibbon might have dreamed it all.

Las Vegas: It was not cafe society, it was Nescafe society

Mad dogs and Englishmen go out in the mid-day sun; The Japanese don't care to, the Chinese wouldn't dare to; Hindus and Argentines sleep firmly from twelve to one, But Englishmen detest a siesta.

Marriage is the aftermath of love.

My importance to the world is relatively small. On the other hand, my importance to myself is tremendous. I am all I have to work with, to play with, to suffer and to enjoy. It is not the eyes of others that I am wary of, but of my own. I do not intend to let myself down more than I can possibly help, and I find that the fewer illusions I have about myself or the world around me, the better company I am for myself.

My life really has been one long extravaganza.

Never mind, dear, we're all made the same, though some more than others.

Of course, the age-old tradition that a star must appear even if he or she is practically dying is an excellent one, but it can be carried too far. I one played a performance of The Knight of the Burning Pestle with a temperature of 103 and gave sixteen members of the company mumps, thereby closing the play and throwing everybody out of work. There may be a moral lurking somewhere in this, but I cannot for the life of me discover what it is.

Passion in a dromedary doesn't go so deep; a camel when it's mating never sobs itself to sleep.

Running is the classical road to self-consciousn ess, self-awareness and self-reliance. Independence is the outstanding characteristic of a runner. He learns the harsh reality of his physical and spiritual limitations when he runs. He learns that personal commitment, sacrifice and determination are his only means to betterment. Runners get promoted only through self-conquest.

She had much in common with Hitler, only no mustache.

She stopped the show - but then the show wasn't traveling very fast.

Star quality: I don't know what it is, but I've got it.

Sunburn is very becoming - but only when it is even - one must be careful not to look like a mixed grill.

Television is for appearing on, not looking at.

The pleasures that once were heaven look silly at sixty-seven.

The Stately Homes of England, How beautiful they stand, To prove the Upper Classes, Have still the Upper Hand.

The theatre should be treated with respect. The theatre is a wonderful place, a house of strange enchantment, a temple of illusion. What it most emphatically is not and never will be is a scruffy, ill-lit, fumed-oak drill hall serving as a temporary soap box for political propaganda.

There are dark times just around the corner. There are dark clouds travelling through the sky. And it's no good whining about a silver lining. For we know from experience they won't roll by.

There isn't a particle of you that I don't know, remember, and want.

Thousands of people have talent. I might as well congratulate you for having eyes in your head. The one and only thing that counts is: Do you have staying power?

To take a gloomy view of life is not part of my philosophy; to laugh at the idiocies of my fellow creatures is. However, at this particular moment I cannot find so much to laugh at as I would like.