Emo Philips quotes:

I was with this girl the other night and from the way she was responding to my skillful caresses, you would have sworn that she was conscious from the top of her head to the tag on her toes.

When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me.

A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.

You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle-aged woman: Stuff you pay good money for in later life.

I go from stool to stool in singles bars hoping to get lucky, but there's never any gum under any of them.

I love to go down to the schoolyard and watch all the little children jump up and down and run around yelling and screaming. They don't know I'm only using blanks.

At my lemonade stand I used to give the first glass away free and charge five dollars for the second glass. The refill contained the antidote.

Well, my brother says Hello. So, hooray for speech therapy.

My computer beat me at checkers, but I sure beat it at kickboxing.

I'm from Downer's Grove, Illinois. We had a blackout there the other day, but fortunately the police made him get back into his car before he got too far.

I was the kid next door's imaginary friend.

Probably the worst time in a person's life is when they have to kill a family member because they are the devil. But otherwise it's been a pretty good day.

I took my grandmother to the emergency room. The doctor said that she was on an artificial life support system, and that although her brain was dead her heart was still beating. I though, "we've never had a democrat in the family before".

When I wake up in the morning, I just can't get started until I've had that first, piping hot pot of coffee. Oh, I've tried other enemas.

I was feeling a bit down, I went to a therapist a few times, at a hundred bucks a pop. But then I realized that no therapy session would ever cheer me up half as much as if I was just strolling along and found a hundred dollar bill.

My mother was like a sister to me, only we didn't have sex quite so often.

I'm not Catholic, but I gave up picking my belly button for lint.

Charlie Chaplin is the greatest artist of the 20th century. He takes me from laughter to tears in seconds. And he was one of the very first funny men. It's like the original violins were made in Cremona and there's never been any better since. Sometimes the best come right off the bat.

How many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand.

Always remember the last words of my grandfather, who said: 'A truck!'

I saw a psychologist once because I thought I had depression. It cost me $100. When I left, I realised that there's nothing he could have said that would cheer me up as much as if I found a $100 bill on my way home.

I ran five miles today. Then, finally, I said, 'Here, lady... take your purse.'

I was in a bar the other night, hopping from barstool to barstool, trying to get lucky, but there wasn't any gum under any of them.

I once had a large gay following, but I ducked into an alleyway and lost him.

I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

I like to play chess with bald men in the park although it's hard to find 32 of them.

I never cheated on my wife. I took seriously those vows of celibacy.

I got a job at an amusement park. I like to make the rides more terrifying by throwing a couple of screws onto the seats.

I'm filthy stinking rich - well, two out of three ain't bad.

Probably the toughest time in anyone's life is when you have to murder a loved one because they're the devil.

Some mornings, it's just not worth chewing through the leather straps.

I once heard two ladies going on and on about the pains of childbirth and how men don't seem to know what real pain is. I asked if either of them ever got themselves caught in a zipper.

My first job as a kid was going from door to door selling Christmas cards, to raise money for my grandmother's hip replacement. Because, you know... You break it, you buy it.

My classmates would copulate with anything that moved, but I never saw any reason to limit myself.

I got a letter from the IRS. Apparently I owe them $800. So I sent them a letter back. I said, If you'll remember, I fastened my return with a paper clip, which according to your very own latest government pentagon spending figures will more than make up for the difference.

I had a very close relationship with another kid when I was growing up. I was his imaginary friend.

I read that nine out of 10 women fantasize about having an unknown man leap through their bedroom window at night and make mad, passionate love to them. Who would think with those odds, I would now be facing 150 hours of community service.

You should get married. When I was younger, I was into the fame and fortune, and now I realize that a loving wife and happy children - that's life's greatest consolation prize.

When I was a kid, my goodness, corporate America was a bunch of stolid white guys in gray suits trying to be serious, and now it's stolid white guys in gray suits trying to be funny.

I discovered my wife in bed with another man, and I was crushed. So I said, 'Get off me, you two!'

I was a cute baby. My mom said when I was born they threw away the mold. Some of it grew back.

Well! I feel happy these days. I've started taking a herbal anti-depressant. It's called Saint John's Wort. Apparently it's the best-selling anti-depressant in many places. It's the most popular anti-depressant in Germany... After, I'm guessing, amnesia...

When I was ten, my family moved to Downer's Grove, Illinois. When I was twelve, I found them.

I wanted to get from 4th street to 8th... Then I remembered Einstein postulating that parallel lines eventually meet. They're dredging my car from Lake Michigan as we speak.

Actually, my cd was released in 1985, in return for two German missionaries and a Dutch urologist.

People come up to me and say, 'Emo, do people really come up to you?'

They call me Good Time Emo. Because I love a good time! And my name is Emo.

My girlfriend said, Emo, I'm seeing another man. I said, Well, try rubbing your eyes or something.

When I was a kid my dad would say, "Emo, do you believe in the Lord?" I'd say, "Yes!" He'd say, "Then stand up and shout Hallelujah!" So I would ... and I'd fall out of the roller coaster.

I love my family. I came home the other days. My brother's passed-out on the couch, holding an empty bottle of sleeping pills. So I called the paramedics, and they pumped his stomach, and I think he's learned his lesson: you know, never to take my last two sleeping pills.

I think my ex-girlfriend has weekly lessons with the devil on how to be more evil. I don't know what she charges him.

My ex-girlfriend was very sexy. She reminded me of the Sphinx because she was very mysterious and eternal and solid...and her nose was shot off by French soldiers.

I was walking down fifth avenue today and I found a wallet, and I was gonna keep it, rather than return it, but I thought: well, if I lost a hundred and fifty dollars, how would I feel? And I realized I would want to be taught a lesson.

Coming up with a funny joke is like falling in love: It can hit you any time, anywhere. Having said that, the more you put yourself out there, the better your odds will be.

The Scots are a very tough people. They have drive-by headbuttings. In Glasgow a sweatband is considered a silencer.

I'm a great lover, I'll bet.

I've been at stand-up for years: after a while, you get as jaded as the proverbial gynecologist who no longer enjoys drugging and violating his patients.

Because we allow handguns. When you know someone in the crowd might be packing a rod, it can't help but rush your timing.

I asked my girlfriend, 'Will you marry me?' She said, 'We'll have to ask my father.' So we had a seance and Jack Ruby says, 'Hello!'

My girlfriend told me that she was seeing another man. I told her to rub her eyes.

There's a joke in everything, the trick is finding it. The best compliment a joke can get is what Huxley said about Darwin's theory of evolution - 'Why didn't I think of that?'

I think of people as members of an audience. But an audience acts independently of every individual. It's an organism on its own. I focus on that living hydra in the dark.

The way I understand it, the Russians are sort of a combination of evil and incompetence... sort of like the Post Office with tanks.

When I was young, my father had a serious heart attack. He survived, but we lost our house and car. Under the Canadian Medicare system, though, we would have kept the house and car and would have just had to pay the inheritance tax.

My dad always said, If someone hands you a lemon, make lemonade. Plus that also works wonderfully as a metaphor.

I'd be in the backyard minding my own business. The other kids would call me names, like meatball head or neo-Calvinist. I'd run after them, but lucky for them the chain would snap my neck back...

I think fur looks better on an animal than on a human being. So I dress my dog in a mink teddy.

I think the whole concept of monotheism is a gift from the gods.

I was walking home one night and a guy hammering on a roof called me a paranoid little weirdo. In morse code.

I was walking down the street the other day and these construction workers were working on the roof hammering away. One of them told me I was a paranoid lunatic... in morse code.

Isn't this a wonderful country? I was in Florida. I'm staying at a motel called the Three Palms. It's run by a middle-aged couple, one of whom is missing a hand. OK! That's what I thought, too! But they got upset when I asked.

I was sleeping the other night, alone, thanks to the exterminator.

I was at a bar nursing a beer. My nipple was getting quite soggy.

If you're worth over $50m you should have to dress like that guy on the Monopoly box. The super-rich shouldn't get all the benefits of looking like a regular guy.

The IRS sent back my tax return saying I owed $800. I said If you'll notice, I sent a paper clip with my return. Given what you've been paying for things lately, that should more than make up the difference.

I love England. In fact, they're getting to know me so well at Heathrow Immigration that this time I was able to completely bypass the six months rabies quarantine.

New York's such a wonderful city. Although I was at the library today. The guy was very rude. I said, "I'd like a card." He says, "You have to prove you're a citizen of New York." So I stabbed him.

I discovered my wife in bed with another man, and I was crushed. So I said, Get off me, you two!

I don't have to tell you folks about scuba diving. So, that'll save some time.

He taught me never to smile, which helps me when I visit disaster sites.

When I was a kid, my favourite time of the year when I was child was that magical first snowfall. I'd yell Yippee! Snow! and run up to the front door and shout You know the deal... You have to let me in now.

I grew up in an era when strange adults would grab me on the street and say: 'Don't do that.' You never see that these days. 'Hi, we took the liberty of spanking your son.' Oh thanks, my hand was getting worn.

Women: You can't live with them, and you can't get them to dress up in a skimpy little Nazi costume and beat you with a warm squash or something.

My parents had very strict rules for me. Rules like, I couldn't be home until a certain hour.

But I like to swim. At high school, I tried out for the swim team. I shaved off all my body hair, and that extra burst of speed from all the bullies shouting Kill the fairy...

In college I was one of six males who auditioned for five male roles in a comedy play. I was the one rejected. At that moment I made up my mind never to place myself at the mercy of some pompous, goateed, black-turtleneck-shirted "should I yay him or nay him?" pantywaist ever again.

One man's pet-stained carpet is another man's Twister game.

I got some new underwear the other day. Well, new to me.

I give money to Unicef because I like the 'bang for your buck' aspect. Here's $10, go and save 1,000 kids from blindness!

Every time I see Dan Quayle I feel like buying a vowel.

When I was a kid, I slept on rubber sheets, but now, I'm a man. And I can take the wetness!

I got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, 'I'm going to mop the floor with your face.' I said, 'You'll be sorry.' He said, 'Oh, yeah? Why?' I said, 'Well, you won't be able to get into the corners very well.'

You know, at parties, people always ask, 'Where were you when Kennedy was shot?' Well, I don't have an alibi!

People always ask me, 'Where were you when Kennedy was shot?' Well, I don't have an alibi.

I love to go to the playground and watch the children jumping up and down. They don't know I'm firing blanks.

People come up to me... concerned... that I'll reproduce.

My jokes are in my head and I have a duplicate copy of my jokes in a lot of British comics' heads, where they are safe.

Whatever happened to the good ole days, when children worked in factories?

You know what I hate? Indian givers... no, I take that back.

I've always had a special place in my heart for old women digging through garbage bins. They saved my life so many times as a baby.

I've always thought the best way to teach a kid not to be scared of the dark is to fill his daylight hours with as much horror as possible.

The battle of the sexes will never be won as long as we keep sleeping with the enemy.

I've learned that you can't make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them and hope they'll panic and give in.

I pray a simple prayer every morning. It's an ecumenical prayer. Whether you're Catholic or Jewish or Muslim or Hindu, I think it speaks to the heart of every faith. It goes "Lord please break the laws of the universe for my convenience. Amen.�

I picked up a hitch hiker. You've got to when you hit them.

I lent a friend of mine $10,000 for plastic surgery and now I don't know what he looks like.

All the nations of the earth must learn to live together in peace. Why be prejudiced against anyone because of their race, nationality, or creed? When there's so many real reasons to hate others.

When I went to college, my parents threw a going away party for me, according to the letter.

I was at the Wal-Mart, which is where I think everybody goes eventually. If they die without Christ.

Not everybody hates me. Only the people who've met me.

They have a sign at the beach, "no glass bottles". I think that's so the other sand particles don't feel like underachievers.

I tried body surfing once, but how often do you find a corpse?

Now there's a seven-day waiting period to buy a gun. Who can stay mad that long?

I don't know how electricity works. All I know is that it calms me.

My parents were very protective. I couldn't even cross the street without them getting all excited, and placing bets.

I'm learning Cuban. It's like Spanish, but with fewer words for luxury items.

The subconscious is like having a laboratory assistant who pretends to love you and help you, but after you go home to go to sleep it goes back into the lab and starts fumbling with the data and destroying it. It's a very tricky thing. People think our minds are us, but that's not true at all. The mind is not us.

Every night my wife used to give me a foot massage. And my face would smell weird afterwards, but...

I'm not a Republican... but I am saving up to be one.

When I was 10, I beat up the school bully. His arms were in casts. That's what gave me the courage.