Rita Rudner quotes:

I love to shop after a bad relationship. I don't know. I buy a new outfit and it makes me feel better. It just does. Sometimes I see a really great outfit, I'll break up with someone on purpose.

I was going to have cosmetic surgery until I noticed that the doctor's office was full of portraits by Picasso.

I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.

There are different kinds of humor, some is sarcastic, some introspective. Introspective fit my personality better.

Men are self-confident because they grow up identifying with super-heroes. Women have bad self-images because they grow up identifying with Barbie.

When I eventually met Mr. Right I had no idea that his first name was Always.

Men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage - they've experienced pain and bought jewelry.

I had the worst birthday party ever when I was a child because my parents hired a pony to give rides. And these ponies are never in good health. But this one dropped dead. It just wasn't much fun after that. One kid would sit on him and the rest of us would drag him around.

I started taking ballet lessons when I was 4, and I was performing in ballet companies when I was 10, and I did summer stock in Miami Beach when I was 12, and finally I said, 'I gotta go to Broadway.'

Men who consistently leave the toilet seat up secretly want women to get up to go the bathroom in the middle of the night and fall in.

Barbie ruined my life! It's a really bad image for women. For a long time I thought I was deformed - because my heels didn't touch the ground. I was walking around on tiptoes. What's up with that? I think that it's a bad thing for a woman to try to emulate.

I have too many credit cards. You know what happened? Someone stole one and I didn't notice. I noticed when I got that bill. Whoa! It was so much less! I'm letting him keep it. I'm saving money!

Someday I want to be rich. Some people get so rich they lose all respect for humanity. That's how rich I want to be.

Before I met my husband, I'd never fallen in love. I'd stepped in it a few times.

In Hollywood a marriage is a success if it outlasts milk.

When you're a dancer, you start with the basics. You don't all of a sudden do a grand jete and pirouette. You start with first position, second, third.

While I do occasionally order items on the Internet, it's hard to teach an old shopper new tricks. I'm convinced that the catalogue will eventually disappear, but not until the last baby boomers have kicked off their smelly Nikes and been buried in mulch.

I have no organisational skills. All my energy goes into worry - worrying takes a lot of energy.

I suffer from peroxide phobia. Every time I've gotten near a blond woman, something of mine has disappeared. Jobs, boyfriends... one time an angora sweater leaped right off my body.

I just love dogs, and there really is no better companion than an animal.

Most turkeys taste better the day after, my mother's tasted better the day before.

I know I want to have children while my parents are still young enough to take care of them.

I get a lot of return business. I think it's all those years I put in traveling around the country; people saw me before and had a good time so they want to see me again.

I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry.

I get so happy when I write a joke. It's a very satisfying, liberating feeling.

Being a dancer and a singer gave me some advantage with regards to having a stage presence. I always take my timing from the audience because they are half of my act.

I think the most important thing about learning comedy is to start from who you are. If you begin the process by imitating what you perceive to be a comedy rhythm, you will get laughs sooner, but you will not be unique.

They usually have two tellers in my local bank, except when it's very busy, when they have one.

Every audience has a personality. Some of them don't have the best personalities, but you're on a date with them for an hour and a half, so you just make the best of it.

Some people think having large breasts makes a woman stupid. Actually, it's quite the opposite: a woman having large breasts makes men stupid.

We've begun to long for the pitter-patter of little feet - so we bought a dog. Well, it's cheaper, and you get more feet.

Some women hold up dresses that are so ugly and they always say the same thing: 'This looks much better on.' On what? On fire?

Men love watches with multiple functions. My husband has one that is a combination address book, telescope and piano.

I admire the Pope. I have a lot of respect for anyone who can tour without an album.

Men do cry, but only when assembling furniture.

I was a ballerina. I had to quit after I injured a groin muscle. It wasn't mine...

Men own basketball teams. Every year cheerleaders' outfits get tighter and briefer, and players' shorts get baggier and longer.

I can see close up and my husband can see far away, so we're covered. He tells me who's in the movie and I tell him what's in his sandwich. Together we're human bifocals.

A man will go to war, fight and die for his country. But he won't get a bikini wax.

If you like easygoing, monogamous men, stay away from billionaires.

My boyfriend and I broke up. He wanted to get married and I didn't want him to.

My husband and I are either going to buy a dog or have a child. We can't decide whether to ruin our carpet or ruin our lives.

Neurotics build castles in the air, psychotics live in them. My mother cleans them.

I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult.

Men have an easier time buying bathing suits. Women have two types: depressing and more depressing. Men have two types: nerdy and not nerdy.

Men reach their sexual peak at eighteen. Women reach theirs at thirty-five. Do you get the feeling that God is playing a practical joke?

My husband gave me a necklace. It's fake. I requested fake. Maybe I'm paranoid, but in this day and age, I don't want something around my neck that's worth more than my head.

The logic was, there weren't too many female comedians, so I thought I might as well try a field that had fewer competitors than the field I was in, which was acting, singing and dancing.

I have been doing leg lifts faithfully for about fifteen years, and the only thing that has gotten thinner is the carpet where I have been doing the leg lifts.

The word 'aerobics' came about when the gym instructors got together and said: If we're going to charge $10 an hour, we can't call it Jumping up and down.

You know it's love when you want to keep holding hands even after you're sweaty.

I don't plan to grow old gracefully. I plan to have face-lifts until my ears meet.

I work for myself, which is fun. Except when I call in sick, I know I'm lying.

Good weather all the week, but come the weekend the weather stinks. When the weather is too hot they complain, too cold they complain, and when it's just right, they're watching TV.

My grandmother was a very tough woman. She buried three husbands and two of them were just napping.

Halloween was confusing. All my life my parents said, "Never take candy from strangers." And then they dressed me up and said, "Go beg for it." I didn't know what to do! I'd knock on people's doors and go, "Trick or treat." "No thank you."

Men who drink herbal teas are seldom serial killers.

I rationalize shop. I buy a dress because I need change for gum.

I don't think jogging is healthy, especially morning jogging. If morning joggers knew how tempting they looked to morning motorists, they would stay home and do sit-ups.

Only men who have worn a ski suit understand how complicated it is for a woman to go to the bathroom when she's wearing a jumpsuit.

Envy the kangaroo. That pouch setup is extraordinary; the baby crawls out of the womb when it is about two inches long, gets into the pouch, and proceeds to mature. I'd have a baby if it would develop in my handbag.

Marriages don't last. When I meet a guy, the first question I ask myself is: is this the man I want my children to spend their weekends with?

Life is tough enough without having someone kick you from the inside.

We live in Los Angeles, where you are expected to move every two to four years, so people can see how well your career is going.

Men who write love letters don't live in this century.

Impulse buying is not macho. Men rarely call the Home Shopping Network.

Men have better self-images than women. You know what I've never seen in a men's magazine? A makeover.

Waiters and waitresses are becoming nicer and much more caring. I used to pay my check, they would say "Thank you." That's now escalated into "You care care of yourself, now." The other day I paid my check and the waiter said, "Don't put off that mammogram."

How can I have morning sickness when I don't get up till noon?

I'll never understand why people go to movie theaters to have conversations. Going to the movies to talk is like going to a restaurant to cook. The idea is that you have paid your money to have someone do something better than you can do it yourself.

If you're dating a man who you think might be "Mr. Right," if he a) got older, b) got a new job, or c) visited a psychiatrist, you are in for a nasty surprise. The cocoon-to-butterfly theory only works on cocoons and butterflies.

Natural childbirth scares me. I think before you have natural childbirth you should find out how big the baby is. Three pounds -- natural childbirth. Anything over three pounds -- heroin.

To attract men, I wear a perfume called 'New Car Interior.'

It wasn't that no one asked me to the prom, it was that no one would tell me where it was.

Thirty, I really like you but I still have to see other people.

At the end of every year, I add up the time that I have spent on the phone on hold and subtract it from my age. I don't count that time as really living. I spend more and more time on hold each year. By the time I die, I'm going to be quite young.

I have to visualise my jokes, live my jokes, feel the audience because every audience is different. It's like having a different dancing partner every night.

On my tombstone it will say: 'I tried everything - nothing was easy.'

A good place to meet a man is at the dry cleaner. These men usually have jobs and bathe.

I had no desire to be a stand-up comic until I decided to do it.

I'm a very simple person. I'm very shallow. Shallow, simple, easily pleased: that's me.

You are always trying to please people before you get to the public whenever you do anything that requires a corporate body to sanction it.

I want to have children, but my friends scare me. One of my friends told me she was in labor for 36 hours. I don't even want to do anything that feels good for 36 hours.

Buying something on sale is a very special feeling. In fact, the less I pay for something, the more it is worth to me. I have a dress that I paid so little for that I am afraid to wear it. I could spill something on it, and then how would I replace it for that amount of money?

Eye contact is a method utilised by a single woman to communicate to a man that she is interested in him. Many women find it difficult to look a man directly in the eyes, not because of shyness, but because a woman's eyes are not located in her chest.

I was a vegetarian until I started leaning toward the sunlight.

Most turkeys taste better the day after; my mother's tasted better the day before.

Women take clothing much more seriously than men. I've never seen a man walk into a party and say "Oh, my God, I'm so embarrassed; get me out of here. There's another man wearing a black tuxedo.

When I was a kid, I had two friends, and they were imaginary and they would only play with each other.

If you buy your husband or boyfriend a video camera, for the first few weeks he has it, lock the door when you go to the bathroom. Most of my husband's early films end with a scream and a flush.

When I want to end a relationship I just say, 'You know, I love you. I want to marry you. I want to have your children.' Sometimes they leave skid marks.

I don't do Jewish stuff because I don't want people to be left out. If I mention the Torah in Alabama, it's not going to go down that well. I used to do some Jewish jokes because when I started, I used to play lots of Jewish country clubs.

It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.

I did six Broadway shows, and I noticed there weren't many female comedians. When I went to a dancing audition, there were 1,000 girls. And there were three jobs. So I said I'll just try comedy. And I loved it.

My mother's mother is a very tough cookie. She buried three husbands. Two of them were just napping.

My mother buried three husbands - and two of them were only napping.

I found out I had a real love for comedy and comedy writing. The logic was, there weren't too many female comedians, so I thought I might as well try a field that had fewer competitors than the field I was in, which was acting, singing and dancing.

The time you spend grieving over a man should never exceed the amount of time you actually spent with him.

I got kicked out of ballet class because I pulled a groin muscle. It wasn't mine.

Whenever I date a guy, I think, 'Is this the man I want my children to spend their weekends with?'

... life is broken down into these stages: you're born and you don't know how anything works; gradually you find out how everything works; technology evolves and slowly there are a few things you can't work; at the end, you don't know how anything works.

A saleslady holds up an ugly dress and says, 'This looks much better on.' On what? On fire?

After you've dated someone it should be legal to stamp them with what's wrong with them so the next person doesn't have to start from scratch.

All men are afraid of eyelash curlers. They don't understand them, and they don't want to get near them. I sleep with one under my pillow, instead of a gun.

All men look at Dr. Ruth and wonder how she has gained all that sexual experience.

All men look nerdy in black socks and sandals.

All men think that they're nice guys. Some of them are not. Contact me for a list of names.

All men would still really like to own a train set.

An amicable divorce is like a ventilated condom; it just doesn't work.

Be careful of men who are bald and rich; the arrogance of "rich" usually cancels out the nice of "bald".

Blondes have more fun, don't they? They must. How many brunettes do you see walking down the street with blond roots?

Buying something on sale is a very special feeling. In fact, the less I pay for something, the more it is worth to me.

Cats are a waste of fur.

Commitment is different in males and females. In females it is a desire to get married and raise a family. In males it means not picking up other women while out with one's girlfriend.

Don't try to teach men how to do anything in public. They can learn in private; in public they have to know.

Going out to eat is expensive. I was out at one restaurant and they didn't have prices on the menu. Just faces with different expressions of horror.

Her idea of a romantic setting is one that has a diamond in it. If you feel the need to marry a doctor, I suggest a dermatologist. Good hours, free Retin-A.

How come when you mix water and flour together you get glue...and then you add eggs and sugar and you get cake? Where does the glue go?

Human nature is largely something that has to be overcome.

Husband: a man who buys his football tickets four months in advance and waits until the day before his anniversary to buy his wife a gift.