Rizzo Quotes in Muppet Treasure Island (1996)

Rizzo: What's wrong?

Gonzo: It just feels so weird.

Rizzo: You mean that Mr. Arrow's dead?

Gonzo: Yeah, that... and my pants are filled with starfish.

Rizzo: You and your hobbies.

[Billy Bones has apparently died]

Rizzo: He died? And this is supposed to be a kids' movie!

Billy Bones: [Billy Bones suddenly wakes up and, without opening his eyes, grabs Gonzo's nose to pull him closer] Jimmy-Jim-Jimmy-Jim-Jim-Jim-Jim! You've always been a decent sort to old Billy Bones.

Gonzo: I'm not Jimmy-Jim-Jimmy-Jim-Jim-Jim-Jim.

[Nods at Jim]

Gonzo: *He's* Jimmy-Jim-Jimmy-Jim-Jim-Jim-Jim.

Billy Bones: [Billy Bones grabs Jim's shirt and pulls him closer] Jim?

Jim Hawkins: Yes, Captain?

Billy Bones: Jimmy-Jim-Jimmy-Jim-Jim-Jim-Jim!

Jim Hawkins: Yes, Captain, what is it?

Jim Hawkins: Kill Captain Smollett, and you'll have to kill me.

Gonzo: Kill Jim, and you'll have to kill me.

Squire Trelawney: Kill Gonzo, and you'll have to kill me.

Rizzo: Kill Squire Trelawney and Mr. Bimbo, and you'll have to... negotiate strenuously.

[Silver turns to try to escape only to run into Benjamina and a gang of pigs]

Benjamina Gunn: Going somewhere, John-John?

Long John Silver: Well, Master Hawkins, it seems your little family has come together against me.

Rizzo: He died? And this is supposed to be a kids' movie.

Rizzo: I've gone way beyond afraid. Right now I'm somewhere between bedwetting and a near death experience.

Squire Trelawney: Well, gentlemen, this is definitely a genuine bona-fide treasure map.

Jim Hawkins: Really?

Squire Trelawney: Oh, yes. Mr. Bimbo told me so.

[pause]

Squire Trelawney: Oh, Mr. Bimbo lives in my finger. He's very smart. He's been to the moon.

[puts finger to his ear]

Squire Trelawney: Oh, thank you... twice.

Rizzo: I smell a bozo.

Rizzo: Terrific. Captured by crazed wild pigs and sacrificed hideously before a pagan altar.

Gonzo: Are we lucky or what?

Rizzo: He's some kind of a blind fiend.

Gonzo: I believe they prefer visually challenged fiend.

Captain Abraham Smollett: Where to, Captain Hawkins?

Jim Hawkins: To wherever the wind may take us!

Gonzo: Off to Zanzibar to meet the Zanzibarbarians!

Rizzo: Oh, brother! Here they go again!

[Jim and Gonzo have been listing the different directions of the compass and what lies that way]

Mrs. Bluberidge: To the northwest dirty dishes!

Gonzo: How does she do that?

Jim Hawkins: Might as well start. I'll wash.

Rizzo: I'll dry.

Gonzo: I'll break.

Jim Hawkins: That's the raging volcano? He's a frog.

Rizzo: Hey, hey, maybe he gets hopping mad.

Jim Hawkins: I hate my life.

Gonzo: I hate your life, too.

Rizzo: If I had a life, I'd hate it.

Mr. Samuel Erroll: By the way, that Silver fellow, may not be trustworthy.

Rizzo: [to Gonzo] Ha ha. Now he tells us.

Rizzo: You know, the ocean. The big blue wet thing.

Rizzo: [greeting rat tourists into the ship] Alright folks, have your checks made out to Rat Cruises Limited. Remember: We put the "rat" in "pirate".

Gonzo: [singing] Every storm we ride is its own reward.

Rizzo: [singing] And people die by falling overboard.

Rizzo: [after Jim and Long John leave] Well, it looks like the human beings wanna hang out together. Don't wanna hang out with a rat and a... uh... um...

Gonzo: Whatever.

Rizzo: Yeah!

Gonzo: Rizzo! You lost all the bullets!

Rizzo: Well, you're losing the powder!

Rizzo: [Billy Bones has just died] We are standing in a room with a dead guy!

Jim Hawkins: [sung] I look around here and I want to cry.

Rizzo: Ah, me too.

Jim Hawkins: [sung] I feel like the world is passing me by.

Gonzo: It is.

Jim Hawkins: [sung] And I just can't help but wonder am I doomed to wash and dry? And is it a curse I'm under to do it till I die.

Gonzo: Oh, I hope not.

Jim Hawkins: [sung] When I could be an explorer...

Gonzo: Sure you could.

Jim Hawkins: [sung] ... sailing off to distant lands...

Gonzo: Wait! Not so fast.

Jim Hawkins: [sung] ... 'stead of spending every afternoon just getting dishpan hands. My future looks like nowhere that I want to be.

Jim Hawkins, Rizzo, Gonzo: [sung] There's got to be something better, something better...

Jim Hawkins: [sung] There's got to be something better than this for me.

Rizzo: If you're going to be the cook on this ship, Mr. Silver, I am definitely going to need bigger pants.

Rizzo: I got the bullets! Here they are! They

[he lifts the bang by the bottom, so all the bullets spill out the top and off the shelf]

Rizzo: Whoops!

Rizzo: We're standing in a room where the DEAD GUYS ROAM! Aaaaaah!

Walter: Do you guys think that Kermit's been acting a little weird lately?

Miss Piggy: That's ridiculous! He's never been so caring and devoted to me!

Rizzo: Yeah, that's what we are saying!

[Gonzo appears on live TV]

Clifford: Hey, you better get down there, Kerm.

Kermit: Relax. No one is going anywhere, okay?

Gonzo: [on TV] You see, I was contacted through my breakfast cereal, and then it was confirmed to me by the Cosmic Fish that I am definitely from outer space.

Rizzo: So you want to go now, or wait for the commercial?

Kermit: Now.

Gonzo: Rizzo?

Rizzo: No, it's Santa, but I forgot my reindeer.

TV Producer: Gonzo, you've got it.

Rizzo: Sure wish we could find a cure for it.

Ed Singer: [puts on glove] May I?

Rizzo: I think before you answer that question you'd better be real clear on the final destination of that finger.

Rizzo: What? I cannot believe that little shrimp left us behind!

Pepe: I am not a shrimp. I am a king prawn!

Gonzo: Rizzo, come here, my Cap'n Alphabet is sending me a message: R U There.

Rizzo: Are you sure it didn't say "you need help"?

Gonzo: I'm an alien!

Rizzo: What, have you been tap-dancing on the barbecue again?

Gonzo: Rizzo?

Rizzo: Gonzo?

Miss Piggy: Kermy?

Kermit: Piggy?

TV Producer: What is going on here?

Rizzo: How you doin', Ed?

Fast Eddie: Well, I ain't dead.

Rizzo: Are you telling me we came out here in the middle of the night for a stupid egg?

Pepe: Sh! It could be full of chocolate, okay.

Rizzo: I don't like the look of those guys. This rat smells a rat.

Agent Barker: [to Gonzo] The limo is right this way.

Rizzo: Did he say limo? Wait a second, I'm his translator. Hold up!

Agent Barker: We feel your pain, Gonzo.

Gonzo: They feel my pain!

Rizzo: I've got a paper-cut that's a doozy. You feel my pain, too?

Dr. Tucker: From this moment on, if I say you're hungry, you eat. If I say you're sleepy...

Rizzo: I eat?

Kermit: What is he doing up there?

Rizzo: His breakfast cereal told him to sit up there.

Clifford: Talk about whole grain and nuts.

Gonzo: What a great day.

Kermit: Mm-hmm.

Gonzo: That was probably the best day of my whole life. There's just one thing I still don't understand.

Kermit: What's that, Gonzo?

Gonzo: Why did they ask me to build a jacuzzi?

Rizzo, Pepe: [snickering]

Rizzo: Why is Saturday any different?

Young Michael: cause on Saturday we can hit back, look they don't fuck with you like they do with us, but they fuck with you in another way, you're just an animal to them.

Rizzo: I don't give a fuck

Young Michael: Yeah you do, and beating them on Saturday won't make a difference.

Rizzo: Then why, white boy, why?

Young Michael: To make them feel what we feel, just for a couple of hours.

Rizzo: [about why he won't play football] Guards steer clear of me all right, they stay back and let me do my time. If I play in that game and put a hurting on one of them, that just might change my cushion.

Rizzo: Peachy keen, jellybean.

Frenchy: What do you guys think of Sandy? Do you think we can let her into the Pink Ladies?

Rizzo: Nah, she looks to pure to be pink!

Rizzo: I've got so many hickies people will think I'm a leper.

Kenickie: Relax... A hickie from Kenickie is like a Hallmark card, when you only care enough to send the very best!

Rizzo: You pig!

Kenickie: Oh, I love it when you talk dirty!

Marty: Do you think these glasses make me look smarter?

Rizzo: No, you can still see your face.

Rizzo: [singing] I don't steal and I don't lie / But I can feel and I can cry / A fact I bet you never knew / But to cry in front of you / That's the worst thing I could do.

Danny: You're looking good, Riz.

Rizzo: Eat your heart out.

Danny: But sloppy seconds ain't my style.

Kenickie: Hey Rizzo, I hear you're knocked up.

Rizzo: You do huh? Boy, good new really travels fast.

[shoots Marty a look of contempt]

Kenickie: Hey listen, why didn'tcha tell me?

Rizzo: What's it to ya?

Kenickie: Anything I can do?

Rizzo: You did enough!

Kenickie: I don't run away from my mistakes

Rizzo: Don't worry about it Kenickie, it was somebody else's mistake.

Kenickie: Thanks a lot kid.

[Kenickie walks away]

Rizzo: [calls out to Kenickie] Any time...

Rizzo: Look who's coming. Patty Simcox, the bad seed of Rydell Hi-

[to Patty]

Rizzo: Hi.

Patty: Oh I just love the first day of school, don't you?

Rizzo: [sarcastically] It's the biggest thrill of my life.

Patty: Hey, they just announced the nominees for student council this morning and guess who's up for vice president?

Rizzo: Who?

Patty: ME. Isn't that the most? To say the least?

Rizzo: The very least.

Rizzo: What's up, Kenickie?

Kenickie: One guess.

[Rizzo and Kenickie are making out in Kenickie's car, crawling into the backseat together]

Kenickie: Oooh, Riz... Riz...

Rizzo: Would you call me by my first name?

Kenickie: Ooohh, uhhh... ooohh... uhh...

Rizzo: Betty.

Kenickie: Betty, Betty...

[says her name several times, in increasing passion]

Rizzo: Hey... ya got something?

Kenickie: Are you kidding?

[Sits up and gets a condom out of his wallet]

Kenickie: My 25-cent insurance policy.

Rizzo: Big spender!

[Kenickie opens the condom packet, is shocked as he finds it broken]

Rizzo: What?

Kenickie: It broke!

Rizzo: How could it break?

Kenickie: I bought it when I was in the seventh grade.

[the two spend a long nervous moment considering the situation, but look to each other with growing lust]

Rizzo: What the Hell...

[Rizzo grabs Kenickie, and they resume making out]

Kenickie: [muffled] Oh Betty...

Rizzo: [singing] Look at me, I'm Sandra Dee / Lousy with virginity / Won't go to bed 'til I'm legally wed / I can't, I'm Sandra Dee.

Rizzo: [breaks out a bottle of wine] How about a little Sneaky Pete to get the party going?

[the girls all cheer]

Jan: I got Twinkies. Anybody want one?

Marty: Twinkies and wine? Oh, that's real class, Jan.

Jan: It says right here it's a dessert wine.

[offers bottle to Sandy who's hesitant]

Jan: What's the matter? We don't got cooties!

Rizzo: I'll bet you've never had a drink before either, have you?

Sandy: Oh, yes I did. I had some champagne at my cousin's wedding once.

Rizzo: Well, ringa ding-ding.

Rizzo: Hey Zuko! I've got a surprise for you.

Danny: Oh, Yeah?

Rizzo: [chuckles] Yeah

Danny: [throws Sandy in front of him] Sandy!

Sandy: Danny!

Danny: Wha-what are you doing here, I thought you were moving back to Australia?

Sandy: We were but we had a change in plans!

[His friends stare at Danny with a strange face and he changes moods, pretending like he doesn't care]

Rizzo: [after telling Marty that she thinks she might be pregnant] Marty, you ain't gonna tell anybody about this, right?

Marty: Oh sure, Riz, look: I'll take it to the grave.

Marty: [Marty turns and pushes her way past people, Rizzo following her] Coming through, coming through. Lady with a baby.

Rizzo: [suggesting possible dates for dance] What about Rudy from the Capri Lounge?

Marty: [annoyed] Get serious!

Rizzo: It's just a suggestion.

Marty: Well, I already called him.

Rizzo: Where are you goin'? To flog your log?

Danny: Much better than hanging around here with you dorks.

Danny: Oh, bite the weenie, Riz.

Rizzo: With relish.

Sandy: He was sort of special.

Rizzo: There ain't no such thing.

Rizzo: Ok, so what do you guys think this is a gang bang?

Sonny: Yeah, you wish.

Kenickie: [Kenickie, Rizzo and Frenchie are left alone at the diner] Oh, great. I get stuck with the check again.

[Looks at Rizzo]

Kenickie: Gimme money.

[Rizzo glares at him]

Kenickie: Okay, what's with you tonight, huh? You got the personality of a wet mop!

Rizzo: Don't start with me!

Kenickie: Oh, sure! Fine! Eureka! How 'bout I finish with ya, huh?

Rizzo: Finish this!

[She throws her milkshake in his face, and then throws him his T-Bird jacket]

Rizzo: To you from me, PinkyLee! Sorry, French.

Kenickie: [Chasing after Rizzo] Hey! Rizzo! I wanna talk to you! NOW!

Rizzo: [the girls just convinced Sandy to try a cigarette, she does but starts coughing a lot from it] Ooh... I should've told you! You shouldn't inhale if you're not used to it!

Frenchy: Sandy, let me show you how to French inhale! It's really cool, watch!

Marty: [Frenchy starts inhale the smoke from her cigarette through her nose] That is the ugliest looking thing I ever saw.

Frenchy: Yeah, the guys really go for it! I mean that's how I got my nickname Frenchy!

Rizzo: Sure it is!

[Frenchy gets a little offended and play hits Rizzo on the leg]

Sandy: Frenchy, I don't feel so good.

Rizzo: Think of it this way, if she screws you up she can always fix your hair so your ears don't show.

Sandy: What if they dance diffently than we do back home?

Rizzo: Hey don't worry, maybe you'll invent the kangaroo bop.

Marty: What's with you tonight?

Rizzo: I feel like a defective typewriter.

Marty: Huh?

Rizzo: I skipped a period.

Marty: Think you're P.G.?

Sandy: Are you making fun of me, Riz?

Rizzo: Some people are so touchy.

Principal McGee: [continuing with dance rules] Anyone doing tasteless or vulgar movements will be disqualified

Rizzo: Well, that leaves us out!

Coach Calhoun: Let's keep it clean, people. Let's keep it clean.