Squire Trelawney Quotes in Muppet Treasure Island (1996)

Captain Abraham Smollett: [shouting flabergasted] Who hired this crew? This is undoubtedly the seediest bunch of cutthroats, villains and scoundrels I have ever seen, so who hired them?

[Everyone points at Young Squire Trelawney, who in turn points at his finger]

Captain Abraham Smollett: Your finger hired the crew?

Squire Trelawney: No, that's silly. The man who *lives* in my finger hired the crew: Mr. Bimbo.

[Holds finger to ear]

Squire Trelawney: What? Ah, yeah, he relied heavily on the advice of an excellent cook, Long John Silver.

Captain Abraham Smollett: A cook? And a guy who lives in a bear's finger?

Squire Trelawney: Exactly!

Captain Abraham Smollett: [Smollet and Mr. Erroll sigh heavily] I'm starting to worry about this voyage.

Mr. Samuel Erroll: Mm-hmm...

Jim Hawkins: Kill Captain Smollett, and you'll have to kill me.

Gonzo: Kill Jim, and you'll have to kill me.

Squire Trelawney: Kill Gonzo, and you'll have to kill me.

Rizzo: Kill Squire Trelawney and Mr. Bimbo, and you'll have to... negotiate strenuously.

[Silver turns to try to escape only to run into Benjamina and a gang of pigs]

Benjamina Gunn: Going somewhere, John-John?

Long John Silver: Well, Master Hawkins, it seems your little family has come together against me.

Squire Trelawney: Well, gentlemen, this is definitely a genuine bona-fide treasure map.

Jim Hawkins: Really?

Squire Trelawney: Oh, yes. Mr. Bimbo told me so.

[pause]

Squire Trelawney: Oh, Mr. Bimbo lives in my finger. He's very smart. He's been to the moon.

[puts finger to his ear]

Squire Trelawney: Oh, thank you... twice.

Rizzo: I smell a bozo.

Dr. Livesey: When do we sail?

Squire Trelawney: Better ask Captain Smollett. Five days, he's been selecting a crew. Six men, all he's got to show for it.

Dr. Livesey: Cautious, eh?

Squire Trelawney: Cautious? He pries into every seaman's past like a judge at a quarter session. When I threatened to step in, he told me to hire a sea cook, so, by Jove, I did hire a sea cook, right out of his own tavern! Ha ha! Fellow by the name of Long John Silver. I didn't waste my time poring over his credentials. All the credentials I needed was a taste of his ham and his buttered eggs!

Long John Silver: Silver's the name, Long John Silver they calls me. At your service, sir.

Squire Trelawney: Mr. Silver, Trelawney's my name, Squire Trelawney. And this is our cabin boy: Jim, Jim Hawkins.

Long John Silver: Aye, Matey. Smart as paint I'll warrant.

Jim Hawkins: Smart enough to see you've only one leg, sir.

Squire Trelawney: Jim Boy!

Jim Hawkins: Yes, sir.

Long John Silver: You're pretty smart, Jim. So was that French gunner who touched off the ball that blew that ol' leg o' mine overboard.

Squire Trelawney: [They're following the pirates to the treasure] Do you think they know what they're doing?

Captain Smollet: Who better to decipher the convolutions of a twisted pirate's mind than another twisted pirate?