Doorman Quotes in Muppet Treasure Island (1996)

Doorman: The squire's in Long Neddry for the grouse season. He will return on the feast of St. Lulu.

[Jim, Rizzo and Gonzo, disappointed, start to leave]

Doorman: Of course, his rich, half-wit son Young Squire Trelawny's here.

[laughs]

James Russell: Good evening. James Russell, Channel 12 news, I'm doing a report on local night clubs in the area, I'd like to ask you a few questions.

Doorman: Aw, you're the invstigative reporter.

James Russell: Why yes I am.

Doorman: Get the fuck out of here!

Doorman: This here's where Simple Savior runs his black revolution, brother. Natural black Jesus is the reverend's cousin, too. He gives people the strength to kill whites.

Brother Bear: Kill whites?

[to Preacher Fox]

Brother Bear: You hear that shit?

[to Doorman]

Brother Bear: Any whites?

Doorman: Yeah, any whites.

Brother Bear: Ain't this a bitch?

Preacher Fox: Anyone we want?

Brother Bear: Ain't this a bitch!

Preacher Fox: Huh. We can kill anyone we want?

Doorman: Any whites.

Preacher Fox: I have one special...

Brother Bear: [Grabs Fox and pulls him to the side] Stop it, Fox. Stop it.

Doorman: What're you gonna do? You gonna get mad?

Kid, Ben: We're already mad

[first lines]

Doorman: Welcome to the Majestic Hotel.

Michael Shayne: Is Mrs. Smith a brunette?

Doorman: No sir! You never seen a blonde like that lady. Why, she'd shine in the dark!

[interviewing an African-American doorman]

Michael Shayne: I'm in the market for some information.

Doorman: You've come to the right market, suh... the black market. Sellin' information is what I is most fond of.

Doorman: [Ollie rings the doorbell] What do you want?

Ollie: We'd like to see the Baron - Baron Munchausen.

Doorman: What's your business?

Ollie: Well, you see, sir, it was like this: he bought some lions from us and uh, paid us with a check.

Stan: Yes, sir, we've been all over town trying to cash it.

[Ollie searches his pockets, while Stan takes the check from his own coat]

Doorman: [Ollie takes the check from Stan and hands the check to the doorman] 50,000 tiddly-winks?

Stan: Yes sir, the Baron told us that a tiddly-wink was worth a dollar-and-a-half in his country.

Ollie: That is, you understand, at the present rate of exchange.

[Ollie twiddles his tie and chuckles]

Doorman: You guys are screwy!

[the doorman re-enters the mansion, closing the door]

Doorman: [Ollie folds the check and puts it in his pocket, ringing the doorbell again] Now listen, if you guys ring that bell again, I'll break your arm off and stuff it down your throat!

Ollie: Heh heh heh heh, hmph.

Doorman: [Ollie rings the doorbell once more; the doorman rips a chime off the wall and goes to the door] Who rang the bell?

Ollie: I did.

[Doorman hits Ollie on the head with a chime]

Ollie: Oooh! Ooh, mmph, mmph.

[Stan touches Ollie's head to stop the ringing]

Ollie: Oooh! Ugh.

Stan: Are you going to stand for that?

Ollie: I should say not. He can't bluff me; I'm going to see the Baron if I have to stay here all night. We'll give him his check and take back our lions.

Stan: That's a good idea. We can get along without his old piddly-winks.

Ollie: Why, certainly.

Stan: We don't want his...

Ollie: Not piddly-winks, tiddly-winks.

[Ollie glances toward the camera, does a double take]

Ollie: "Piddly-winks"! Ummph!

Doorman: Do you have a pass?

Miles Davis: [points to his face] Your Looking At It

Debbie: I'm not gonna go to the end of the fucking line, who the fuck are you? I have just as much of a right to be here as any of these little skanky girls. What, am I not skanky enough for you, you want me to hike up my fucking skirt? What the fuck is your problem? I'm not going anywhere, you're just some roided out freak with a fucking clipboard. And your stupid little fucking rope! You know what, you may have power now but you are not god. You're a doorman, okay. You're a doorman, doorman, doorman, doorman, doorman, so... Fuck You! You fucking fag with your fucking little faggy gloves.

Doorman: I know... you're right. I'm so sorry, I fuckin' hate this job. I don't want to be the one to pass judgement, decide who gets in. Shit makes me sick to my stomach, I get the runs from the stress. It's not cause you're not hot, I would love to tap that ass. I would tear that ass up. I can't let you in cause you're old as fuck. For this club, you know, not for the earth.

Debbie: What?

Doorman: You old, she pregnant. Can't have a bunch of old pregnant bitches running around. That's crazy, I'm only allowed to let in five percent black people. He said that, that means if there's 25 people here I get to let in one and a quarter black people. So I gotta hope there's a black midget in the crowd.

Doorman: What the fuck is she doing at the club? That's not even good parenting right there. Your old ass should know better than that.

Doorman: You're not his fiancée.

Ashley: Huh?

Doorman: Huh?

Doorman: Get outta here!

Pig Pen: I'm gonna take Kung-Fu and kick you're friggen ass! We'll have the party at our place... We don't need their fancy-smancy gent and their blue ropes!

[Pig Pen and Anthony run back to the door and grab the blue ropes]

Doorman: [opening the car door for Kirby] Good morning, Mr. Kirby.

Anthony P. Kirby: Good morning.

Nick Duran: You're a fucking dead man, you fucking rat. You know what a fucking dead man is? That's what you are, a fucking dead man.

Doorman: Yeah? Well I'll tell you something. I'd rather be dead than wear this fucking monkey suit. I look like Bullwinkle.

Doorman: Everybody's a hot-headed gangster. Everybody's Mister Mafia. Ha! The Don! The Don of Douchebags, that's what you are. Nick - Nick the Dick. That's what they call you, behind your back, you and your restaurant. Your stinkin' restaurant.

[Outside of club, Dustin Diamond walks up]

Doorman: You look big man, you been liftin'?

Dustin Diamond: Hey thanks, yeah a little bit. I got a 6 pack, started out with a 40!

Doorman: Name?

Fletch: Ah... Irwin M Fletcher. Irwin Mahatma Fletcher.

Doorman: Address?

Fletch: 7.

Jackie: If you're free for the weekend, there's a lot going on. This is New York!

Doorman: Free for the weekend? I'll never be free as long as I'm a black man in America!

Stephen Arden: [drunkenly] Oh, uh, could you give me a little information?

Doorman: Yes sir.

Stephen Arden: Thank you.

[walks away]

Doorman: Good afternoon, Mr. Beale.

Howard Beale: I MUST MAKE MY WITNESS.

Doorman: Sure thing, Mr. Beale.

Doorman: Are you expected?

Tony Manero: To do what?

[first lines]

[holding doors closed]

Doorman: They're going mad, sir. It's the students.

[From outside]

Julian Craster: Down with tyrants!

Manager, Covent Garden: All right, let them in.

Doorman: Good afternoon, Miss Booth! Lovely day isn't it?

Betsy Booth: Kid stuff.

Elevator Boy: Good afternoon, Miss Booth! How are you today?

Betsy Booth: I'll never know.

Betsy's Maid: Good afternoon! There's some mail on the drawing room table.

Betsy Booth: Very interesting

[sigh]

Betsy Booth: for tourists.

Betsy's Butler: Good aftenoon, Miss! Will there be anyone for dinner, Miss Booth?

Betsy Booth: I expect to live and die a bachelor.

Doorman: [Not recognizing Peggy as she comes out of the shop with a complete makeover] Your car, mademoiselle?

Peggy Evans aka Carol Burden: "Miss mademoiselle" to you.

Doorman: [Looks confused] Oh...