Gonzo Quotes in Muppet Treasure Island (1996)

Rizzo: What's wrong?

Gonzo: It just feels so weird.

Rizzo: You mean that Mr. Arrow's dead?

Gonzo: Yeah, that... and my pants are filled with starfish.

Rizzo: You and your hobbies.

Gonzo: I thought pirates had talking parrots as pets.

Long John Silver: Talking... parrots?

Polly Lobster: What an imagination. First pirates, now talking parrots, what's next - a singing, dancing mouse with his own amusement park?

[Billy Bones has apparently died]

Rizzo: He died? And this is supposed to be a kids' movie!

Billy Bones: [Billy Bones suddenly wakes up and, without opening his eyes, grabs Gonzo's nose to pull him closer] Jimmy-Jim-Jimmy-Jim-Jim-Jim-Jim! You've always been a decent sort to old Billy Bones.

Gonzo: I'm not Jimmy-Jim-Jimmy-Jim-Jim-Jim-Jim.

[Nods at Jim]

Gonzo: *He's* Jimmy-Jim-Jimmy-Jim-Jim-Jim-Jim.

Billy Bones: [Billy Bones grabs Jim's shirt and pulls him closer] Jim?

Jim Hawkins: Yes, Captain?

Billy Bones: Jimmy-Jim-Jimmy-Jim-Jim-Jim-Jim!

Jim Hawkins: Yes, Captain, what is it?

Jim Hawkins: Kill Captain Smollett, and you'll have to kill me.

Gonzo: Kill Jim, and you'll have to kill me.

Squire Trelawney: Kill Gonzo, and you'll have to kill me.

Rizzo: Kill Squire Trelawney and Mr. Bimbo, and you'll have to... negotiate strenuously.

[Silver turns to try to escape only to run into Benjamina and a gang of pigs]

Benjamina Gunn: Going somewhere, John-John?

Long John Silver: Well, Master Hawkins, it seems your little family has come together against me.

Gonzo: Look at this! I'm taller. This is so cool; I may even have a future with the NBA!

[laughs]

Gonzo: Off to Zanzibar, to meet the Zanzibarbarians!

Rizzo: Terrific. Captured by crazed wild pigs and sacrificed hideously before a pagan altar.

Gonzo: Are we lucky or what?

Gonzo: One leg, Jim, count'em, one.

Rizzo: He's some kind of a blind fiend.

Gonzo: I believe they prefer visually challenged fiend.

Captain Abraham Smollett: Where to, Captain Hawkins?

Jim Hawkins: To wherever the wind may take us!

Gonzo: Off to Zanzibar to meet the Zanzibarbarians!

Rizzo: Oh, brother! Here they go again!

[Jim and Gonzo have been listing the different directions of the compass and what lies that way]

Mrs. Bluberidge: To the northwest dirty dishes!

Gonzo: How does she do that?

Jim Hawkins: Might as well start. I'll wash.

Rizzo: I'll dry.

Gonzo: I'll break.

Jim Hawkins: I hate my life.

Gonzo: I hate your life, too.

Rizzo: If I had a life, I'd hate it.

Gonzo: We'd be out searching for that treasure. Sailing the seven seas on a five-year mission. Boldly going where no man has gone before! Say, that's catchy.

Gonzo: To the southeast, multi-armed Zanzibanian short women and their exploding wigs of death!

Gonzo: [singing] Every storm we ride is its own reward.

Rizzo: [singing] And people die by falling overboard.

Rizzo: [after Jim and Long John leave] Well, it looks like the human beings wanna hang out together. Don't wanna hang out with a rat and a... uh... um...

Gonzo: Whatever.

Rizzo: Yeah!

Gonzo: Rizzo! You lost all the bullets!

Rizzo: Well, you're losing the powder!

Jim Hawkins: [sung] I look around here and I want to cry.

Rizzo: Ah, me too.

Jim Hawkins: [sung] I feel like the world is passing me by.

Gonzo: It is.

Jim Hawkins: [sung] And I just can't help but wonder am I doomed to wash and dry? And is it a curse I'm under to do it till I die.

Gonzo: Oh, I hope not.

Jim Hawkins: [sung] When I could be an explorer...

Gonzo: Sure you could.

Jim Hawkins: [sung] ... sailing off to distant lands...

Gonzo: Wait! Not so fast.

Jim Hawkins: [sung] ... 'stead of spending every afternoon just getting dishpan hands. My future looks like nowhere that I want to be.

Jim Hawkins, Rizzo, Gonzo: [sung] There's got to be something better, something better...

Jim Hawkins: [sung] There's got to be something better than this for me.

Dr. David Livesey: [looking at the treasure map] Say, I know what's happening here. You chaps are planning to sail to this island, aren't you? To dig up this treasure.

Jim Hawkins: Yes, but we must be quiet about it.

[whisper]

Jim Hawkins: There are pirates looking for this map.

Gonzo: [normal voice] Yeah, and they want to KILL us for it! Isn't that exciting?

Gonzo: Lord Vile, I've broken Juggers in half, smashed their bones, left the ground behind me wet with brains. There's nothing I wouldn't do to win. But I never hurt anyone for any reason other than sticking a dog's skull on a stake.

Mahna Mahna: [sings] Mahna Mahna

Tex Richman: You're breaking the law! I own that name!

Snowth, Snowth: [the Snowths sing] Doo-doo, do-do-doo, do-do do do do do doo.

Gonzo: [with a bowling ball] Hey guys, I think I finally worked out how to - Whoo-ha!

[Gonzo throws the bowling ball and hits Tex Richman]

Fozzie Bear: 'Oil' bet that hurt.

[Tex Richman starts laughing]

The Newsman: This just in: Richman gives back Muppet theater and name. Change of heart, nothing to do with head injury.

Tex Richman: [sings] Mahna Mahna

Snowth, Snowth: [the Snowths sing] Doo-doo, do-do-doo

Fozzie: Hey, why don't you join us?

Gonzo: Where are you going?

Fozzie: We're following our dream!

Gonzo: Really? I have a dream, too!

Fozzie: Oh?

Gonzo: But you'll think it's stupid.

Fozzie: No we won't, tell us, tell us!

Gonzo: Well, I want to go to Bombay, India and become a movie star.

Fozzie: You don't go to Bombay to become a movie star! You go where we're going: Hollywood.

Gonzo: Sure, if you want to do it the *easy* way.

Fozzie: [to Kermit] We've picked up a weirdo...

Miss Piggy: Oh Kermie, you were so courageous, so magnificent!

Kermit: Gee, I don't know what to say.

Fozzie: Say the bear was magnificent. After all, I did the driving.

Gonzo: And I took a hundred-foot belly flop onto a moving car!

Miss Piggy: Yes, but Kermit assumed the awesome responsibility of command!

Kermit: Gee.

Fozzie: Oh, brother.

Kermit: [watching Gonzo fly over the fair with a bunch of balloons] Gonzo! What are you doing?

Gonzo: About seven knots!

Gonzo: [to Miss Piggy] If you were a chicken, you'd be impeccable.

Gonzo: All right, Camilla, I'll get you a balloon, but *you* have to pick the color: red or green?

Balloon Vendor: Can I give you a word of advice?

Gonzo: What?

Balloon Vendor: Why not take both?

[smiles encouragingly]

Gonzo: [gasps] What a wild idea!

Balloon Vendor: Yeah, a beautiful chicken like that deserves two balloons.

Gonzo: You're right.

Balloon Vendor: I have guys come in all the time. Sometimes, they'll get a buncha balloons for their girls, and they go gaga for it.

Gonzo: Gaga? I'll take the whole bunch!

Camilla: Gaga! Gaga!

Gonzo: [singing] There's not a word yet, for old friends who've just met.

[Salma Hayek and Gonzo are dressed in lurid red costumes for the Indoor Running of the Bulls]

Salma Hayek: Gonzo, I don't want to do this.

Gonzo: What? This is gonna be fantastic!

Salma Hayek: Are you sure?

Gonzo: [confidently] Nope.

Jean Pierre Napoleon: Bring in the purple guy with the schnozz!

[Gonzo enters to be interrogated]

Sam Eagle: Do you remember what you did / on the night you played Madrid?

Gonzo: I was hit by a raging bull / and rushed off stage to the hospital!

Jean Pierre Napoleon: Gonzo, what do you know / about the sculpture thefts at Madrid's Prado?

Gonzo: I never saw the stolen busts / I spent the night in bed concussed.

Sam Eagle: The truth is, Gonzo, the clock is ticking.

Gonzo: If you don't believe me, ask the chicken! Camilla was there, she'll cooperate!

Jean Pierre Napoleon: Madame, are you willing to corroborate?

Camilla: Bawk bawk begawk, begawk gawk gawk!

Sam Eagle: Will someone get this chicken out of here?

Gonzo: Calm down, Camilla, it's a routine inspection!

Jean Pierre Napoleon, Sam Eagle: Thank you, Gonzo! No more questions!

[Gonzo's Running With the Bulls stunt is a disaster]

Gonzo: Who could have thought that this would go wrong?

Salma Hayek: I did.

Gonzo: Maybe we should add more special effects like exploding socks.

Baby Kermit: [Muppet Babies, singing] She's gonna be a movie star. And she's gonna learn to drive a car; she's gonna be a vet'rinarian, too.

[to Kermit]

Miss Piggy: And I'm gonna always love you-ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh!

Fozzie Bear: Well, she's gonna be a singer, whoa-whoa-whoa!

Scooter: And she's gonna learn to fly a plane!

Rowlf: She'll be a doctor of diseases and help you with your sneezes...

Gonzo: ...and practice neurosurgery on your brain!

Gonzo: Mr. Mayor! Mr. Mayor, I'm looking for a frog who can sing and dance!

The Honorable Edward I. Koch: If he can balance the budget, I'll hire him!

[Gonzo uses mouth-to-mouth resuicitation on his chicken]

Miss Piggy: Gonzo, is Camilla all right?

Gonzo: Yeah, but I think we're engaged!

Kermit the Frog: What's going on here?

Scooter: Well... uh... we just got job offers. Uh... right guys?

[everyone lies with ad libs, "yeah", "sure", "job offers"]

Kermit the Frog: That's great. But why do you all look so sad?

Scooter: Well, it's just... they're kind of... out of town job offers. Right guys?

[more ad libs with "yes", "out of town", etc]

Gonzo: What job did I get?

Scooter: Gonzo! Shut up!

Kermit the Frog: [after being taken hostage] Gonzo, are you alright?

Gonzo: I just saw my life flash before my nose!

Gonzo: Stop the presses!

News Editor: Why? What happened?

Gonzo: I don't know. I just always wanted to say that.

Kermit: We were wondering if you could recommend a nice hotel. Actually, a cheap hotel.

British Gentleman: How cheap?

Fozzie: Free.

British Gentleman: Well, that narrows the field a bit.

[reading from his guide]

British Gentleman: Let's see. "Places where you can park your carcasses." Bus terminals... River banks... The Happiness Hotel...

Kermit: Happiness Hotel? That sounds great.

Gonzo: What's wrong with bus terminals?

[last lines]

Gonzo: Wait a minute! Hold it right there. Don't go home yet.

[holds up his camera]

Gonzo: Say cheese!

[takes a picture and the screen goes black]

Gonzo: I'll send you each a copy.

[First lines]

Kermit: [In a hot air balloon] Pretty nice up here, isn't it?

Fozzie: Kermit? What if we drift out to sea? What if we're never heard from again? What if there's a storm? Or - we get struck by lightning?

Gonzo: That'd be neat.

Kermit: Listen, nothing's gonna happen. These are just the opening credits.

Fozzie: Oh. Where are they?

[Title card appears]

Fozzie: Wow!

Kermit: The Great Muppet Caper.

Fozzie: Nice title.

British Gentleman: For once the forecast was right. It said it was going to rain cats and dogs.

Kermit: No, no. We're bears and frogs.

Gonzo: And Gonzos.

[Kermit, Gonzo, and Fozzie are in a hot air balloon, flying through the opening credits]

Gonzo: Gee, a lot of people worked on this movie!

Kermit: Oh, this is nothing. Wait till you see the end credits.

[In a hot-air balloon]

Gonzo: I'd like to try this without a balloon.

Kermit: Try what? Plummeting?

Gonzo: Yeah.

Kermit: I suppose you could try it once.

Fozzie: [Gonzo takes a picture on the bus] Oh, did I get my elbow in the shot?

Gonzo: Don't worry; it adds human interest.

Fozzie: But I'm a bear.

Gonzo: [looking at the models] Hubba hubba!

Fozzie: Hey, Kermit, I'm getting hungry.

Gonzo: Call room service.

Kermit: There's no phone.

Rizzo the Rat: That's OK, there's no food, either.

Gonzo: I wonder how far you could plummet before you blacked out.

Kermit: Uh, don't try it, Gonzo. We need you for this movie.

Gonzo: Sure is tempting.

Gonzo: [after taking pictures of pigeons outside] Local poultry.

Gonzo: [going over the Thames] What's the name of this river?

Kermit: I don't know.

Fozzie: I think it's the English river.

Gonzo: Oh. I'll take a picture of it. Say cheese!

Gonzo: [Referring to Big Ben] Is that the Eiffel Tower?

Fozzie: Yeah!

Kermit: No.

Fozzie: No. No.

Gonzo: Photography's an art. You gotta have the right film, you gotta have the right exposure, and you gotta scream just before they get the food to their mouth.

Kermit: [shouting] Uh, taxi! Taxi!

[to Fozzie]

Kermit: I don't know why the cabs won't stop.

Gonzo: Just leave it to me.

[throws himself in front of a cab]

Gonzo: Taxi!

Kermit, Fozzie: Aaaaahhh!

[the cab stops]

Kermit: Uh, that's very effective.

Gonzo: Yeah, it's great when it works!

Gonzo: I had that weird dream again.

Rizzo the Rat: You mean the one with the goat and the dwarf and the jar of peanut butter?

[Gonzo appears on live TV]

Clifford: Hey, you better get down there, Kerm.

Kermit: Relax. No one is going anywhere, okay?

Gonzo: [on TV] You see, I was contacted through my breakfast cereal, and then it was confirmed to me by the Cosmic Fish that I am definitely from outer space.

Rizzo: So you want to go now, or wait for the commercial?

Kermit: Now.

Ed Singer: Forgive me my Earthly manners, but, uh, do you have any idea what it's like to be laughed at?

Gonzo: Yeah, sure I do.

Ed Singer: To be called names, like 'wacko.'

Gonzo: Uh-huh.

Ed Singer: And 'freak-boy.'

Gonzo: Oh, yeah.

Ed Singer: And 'paranoid delusional psychopath'?

Gonzo: Got me there.

Gonzo: Hey, Rizzo, come here! I think my Kap'n Alphabet is sending me a message.

Rizzo the Rat: Yeah, I know what you mean. I had some guacamole last night, and it's still speaking to me.

Gonzo: Rizzo?

Rizzo: No, it's Santa, but I forgot my reindeer.

Gonzo: Remember, I built this new Jacuzzi for my alien family, so please, no eating in the spa.

Kermit: You know what you are, Gonzo?

Gonzo: What?

Kermit: Distinct.

Gonzo: Rizzo, come here, my Cap'n Alphabet is sending me a message: R U There.

Rizzo: Are you sure it didn't say "you need help"?

Noah: What are you, anyway?

Gonzo: Oh, uh, good question. Now technically speaking, uhh, let's say, put me down as a... 'Whatever'?

Gonzo: I'm an alien!

Rizzo: What, have you been tap-dancing on the barbecue again?

Gonzo: Well, it's just that I'm sick and tired of being a one-of-a-kind freak, that's all.

Kermit: Gonzo, you are not a one-of-a-kind freak. You're a, uh... uh...

Gonzo: A whatever?

Kermit: Well... yeah.

Gonzo: Rizzo?

Rizzo: Gonzo?

Miss Piggy: Kermy?

Kermit: Piggy?

TV Producer: What is going on here?

Ed Singer: They are coming to Earth, aren't they?

Gonzo: I don't know.

Ed Singer: How many of them are there?

Gonzo: I don't know.

Ed Singer: When will they be here? And don't you *dare* tell me that you don't know.

Gonzo: I know not?

Ubergonzo: Gonzo, by surviving and thriving on this alien planet, you have proven yourself audacious, courageous, and distinctly one-of-a-kind. We welcome you back with our most ceremonious of ceremonies.

Gonzo: What's that?

Ubergonzo: We gonna blow you up, baby.

Gonzo: [as Rizzo is hanging out the window] Rizzo?

Rizzo the Rat: No, it's Santa. But I forgot my reindeer.

Gonzo: Come on, fellas. Take me to my leader.

Agent Barker: We feel your pain, Gonzo.

Gonzo: They feel my pain!

Rizzo: I've got a paper-cut that's a doozy. You feel my pain, too?

Ed Singer: I'm afraid we're going to have to perform an invasive quadrilobal brain probe on you and pluck it from your head.

Gonzo: The information?

Ed Singer: No, your brain.

Dr. Phil Van Neuter: Feeling a little nervous, are we?

Gonzo: Of *course* I'm nervous.

Dr. Van Neuter: Well, don't worry. Everyone is before having their brains sucked out.

Gonzo: Now we can go meet my alien brothers at Cape Doom.

Kermit: Uh, what makes you think that aliens are landing there, Gonzo?

Gonzo: Oh, a sandwich told me.

Kermit: So... you'll write?

Gonzo: Oh, yeah, sure I'll write. There's probably a mailbox every couple of light years.

Gonzo: Kermit, you're the best friend any alien could ask for.

Kermit: Oh, hey Gonzo! I thought you were performing at a bar mitzvah?

Gonzo: No, I got the Electric Mayhem to cover for me.

Dr.Teeth: Shalom!

Gonzo: What a great day.

Kermit: Mm-hmm.

Gonzo: That was probably the best day of my whole life. There's just one thing I still don't understand.

Kermit: What's that, Gonzo?

Gonzo: Why did they ask me to build a jacuzzi?

Rizzo, Pepe: [snickering]

Gonzo: [Gonzo wakes up from a bad dream and sits upright, accidentally sending a hammock-sleeping Rizzo flying out the window] I don't wanna be alone!

Rizzo the Rat: You're not alone.

Gonzo: Who said that?

Rizzo the Rat: Gee, I don't know. Maybe it's the rat who's hanging out of the window!

Gonzo: People of Earth, do not be alarmed!

Miss Piggy: Oh brother.

Miss Piggy: What are you doing here?

Gonzo: I'm making contact. What are you doing?

Gonzo: I had that weird dream again.

Rizzo the Rat: The one with the goat and the dwarf and the jar of peanut butter?

Rizzo the Rat: There are two things in this life I hate: heights, and jumping from them.

Gonzo: Too late now. Come on, I'll catch you.

Rizzo the Rat: God save my little broken body!

[Jumps and falls to the ground. He looks at Gonzo]

Gonzo: Missed.

Rizzo the Rat: Oh wait a second... I forgot my jellybeans. Um...

[Slides through the bars to retrieve them, and joins Gonzo back on the other side. Gonzo stares at him]

Rizzo the Rat: What?

Gonzo: You can fit through those bars?

Rizzo the Rat: Yeah...

Gonzo: You are such an idiot.

Rizzo the Rat: Boy, that's scary stuff! Should we be worried about the kids in the audience?

Gonzo: Nah, it's all right. This is culture!

Sam the Eagle: Tomorrow, you become a man of business!

Young Scrooge: I'm looking forward to it, Headmaster.

Sam the Eagle: Mm, you will love business. It is the AMERICAN WAY!

Gonzo: [whispers] Sam...

[whispers in Sam's ear]

Sam the Eagle: Oh... It is the BRITISH WAY!

Young Scrooge: Yes, headmaster.

Rizzo the Rat: [a nearby clock strikes the hour] Oh, what was that?

Gonzo: Two o'clock.

Rizzo the Rat: Is it too early for breakfast?

Gonzo: Yes.

Rizzo the Rat: Oh good, suppertime!

Gonzo: My name is Charles Dickens.

Rizzo the Rat: And my name is Rizzo the Rat... wait a second! You're not Charles Dickens!

Gonzo: I am too!

Rizzo the Rat: No! A blue furry Charles Dickens who hangs out with a rat?

Gonzo: Absolutely!

Rizzo the Rat: Charles Dickens was a 19th Century novelist! A genius!

Gonzo: Oh, you are too kind!

Rizzo the Rat: Why should I believe you?

Gonzo: Well, because I know the story of A Christmas Carol like the back of my hand!

Rizzo the Rat: Prove it!

Gonzo: All right! Um, there's a little mole on my thumb, and um, a scar on my wrist from when I fell off my bike...

Rizzo the Rat: No, no, no, don't tell us your *hand*, tell us the *story*!

Gonzo: Once again, I must ask you to remember that the Marleys were dead, and decaying in their graves.

Rizzo the Rat: Yuck!

Gonzo: [whispering] That one thing you must remember, or nothing that follows will seem wondrous.

Rizzo the Rat: Why are you whispering?

Gonzo: It's for dramatic emphasis.

[Gonzo and Rizzo are flying over London]

Gonzo: [Thrilled] Hello, London!

Rizzo the Rat: [Scared] Goodbye, lunch!

[Scrooge has met the Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come]

Rizzo the Rat: Oh, this is too scary. I don't think I wanna see any more!

Gonzo: When you're right, you're right.

[turning to face the audience]

Gonzo: You're on your own, folks. We'll meet you at the finale!

Rizzo the Rat: Yeah!

Gonzo: He was a tight-fisted hand at the grindstone, Scr...

[noticing the smudged window of Scrooge's office]

Gonzo: Boy, this really *is* a dirty city!

Rizzo the Rat: Heh, you're tellin' me!

[Gonzo grabs Rizzo and uses him to wipe off the window pane]

Rizzo the Rat: [sarcastically] Thank you for makin' me a part of this!

Gonzo: [dropping Rizzo] He was a tight-fisted hand at the grindstone, Scrooge: a squeezing, wrenching, grasping, clutching, covetous old sinner.

Rizzo the Rat: I fell down the chimney and landed on a flaming hot goose!

Gonzo: You have all the fun!

Rizzo the Rat: Oh, Gonzo, speak to me! I mean, Mr. Dickens. Charlie! Are you hurt?

Gonzo: [gets up] To say that Scrooge became startled would be untrue. Still the moment had passed, and the world was as it should be.

Rizzo the Rat: He ain't hurt. Didn't even lose his concentration.

Rizzo the Rat: [falls down a chimney ignoring Gonzo] Hey! I'm stuck! Get me out of here!

Gonzo: I knew you weren't suited for literature.

Rizzo the Rat: Light the lamp, not the rat, light the lamp, not the rat! Put me out, put me out, put me out!

Gonzo: Oh! My apologies! Um...

[Suddenly spotting a barrel of water below the lamp post]

Gonzo: Rizzo!

Rizzo the Rat: What?

["Mr Dickens" pushes Rizzo so he falls into the water barrel]

Gonzo: Hello! Welcome to the Muppet Christmas Carol! I am here to tell the story.

Rizzo the Rat: And I am here for the food.

Rizzo the Rat: How do you know what Scrooge is doin'? We're down here and he's up there!

Gonzo: I told you, storytellers are omniscient; I know everything!

Rizzo the Rat: Hoity-toity, Mr. Godlike Smarty-Pants.

Gonzo: To conduct a proper search, Scrooge was forced to light the lamps.

[the lamps come on]

Rizzo the Rat: How *does* he do that?

Rizzo the Rat: Rats don't understand these things.

Gonzo: You were never a lonely child?

Rizzo the Rat: I had twelve hundred and seventy four brothers and sisters.

Gonzo: Boy! Rats don't understand these things!

Gonzo: It was the afternoon of Christmas Eve and Scrooge was conscious of a thousand odors, each one connected with a thousand thoughts and hopes and joys and cares long, long forgotten.

[Rizzo and "Mr. Dickens" are sitting on the window ledge outside Scrooge's bedroom]

Rizzo the Rat: [looking around] Um, are you sure it's safe for us to be up here?

Gonzo: Scrooge is saved. What can happen now?

Rizzo the Rat: Yeah.

[Scrooge opens the window, knocking Rizzo and "Mr. Dickens" off the ledge]

Gonzo: Girls are trouble. Women are double.