Waldorf Quotes in Muppet Treasure Island (1996)

Statler: "Take a cruise," you said. "See the world," you said. Now here we are, stuck on the front of this stupid ship.

Waldorf: Well, it could be worse. We could be stuck in the audience.

Statler: Waldorf, you old fool! We're heroes! We saved the pig and the frog.

Waldorf: Well, it was too late to save the movie.

[Waldorf finishes explaining the contract]

Statler: If I didn't know any better, I'd say you were reciting some sort of important plot point.

Waldorf: I hope so. Otherwise I would've bored half the audience half to death.

Statler: You mean half the audience is still alive?

Statler: I always dreamed we'd be back here.

Waldorf: Dreams? Those were nightmares!

[from trailer]

Statler: Is this movie in 3-D?

Waldorf: Nope! The Muppets are as one-dimensional as they've always been!

Statler: [the door opens] There, now this here is Kermit the Frog's old office.

Waldorf: Or so we've been 'toad'.

[Statler and Waldorf chuckle]

Statler: [the door opens, Statler, Waldorf, Uncle Deadly, Bobo the Bear, and Tex Richman enter the room] There, now this here is Kermit the Frog's old office.

Waldorf: Or so we've been 'toad'.

[Statler and Waldorf chuckle]

Tex Richman: Well, as you know, gentlemen, I've loved the Muppets since I was a boy.

Uncle Deadly, Bobo: Mm-hmm.

Tex Richman: And what better way to honor the Muppets than to make this beautiful studio a Muppet museum.

[Walter gasps while hiding underneath a table]

Tex Richman: I think I'll call this room the "Kermit the Frog's Old Office Room".

Uncle Deadly: Oh, good one, Mr. Richman.

Bobo: Oh, that is lovely.

Waldorf: Now, ahem, this here is the standard "Rich and Famous" contract Kermit signed 30 years ago that contains...

Tex Richman: The deed to this property.

Waldorf: Exactly.

Waldorf: Now, this contract is 100 percent iron-clad, with one minor exception: if the Muppets can raise the $10 million it would cost to buy the building before this contract expires, then they get their studio back.

Statler: You know, if I didn't know better, I'd say you were reciting some sort of an important plot point.

Waldorf: Well, I hope so; otherwise I just bored the audience half to death.

Statler: You mean half the audience is still alive?

[Statler and Waldorf chuckle]

Waldorf: It's nice doing business with you.

Statler: Yes, sir. Come on.

Waldorf: Good-bye.

Bobo: [to Uncle Deadly] I love geriatric humor.

Statler: I like the movie fine so far.

Waldorf: It hasn't started yet.

Statler: That's what I like about it.

[they laugh]

[first lines]

Statler: I'm Statler.

Waldorf: I'm Waldorf. We're here to heckle "The Muppet Movie".

Gate Guard: Gentlemen, that's straight ahead. Private screening room D.

Statler: Private screening?

Waldorf: Yeah, they're afraid to show it in public.

[they laugh as their car proceeds forward]

Statler: Well, how do you like the film?

Waldorf: I've seen detergents leave a better film than this.

[they laugh]

Rowlf the Dog: [On the sign in German] Die Muppets?

Waldorf: It looks like the reviews are out early.

Statler: Or maybe that's the suggestion box.

[Miss Piggy does the Macarena]

Statler: I don't believe it! They've managed the impossible! What an achievement! Bravo, bravo!

Waldorf: What, you mean you actually like this show now?

Statler: No, they've made the show even worse!

[first lines]

Film Crew: And cut!

Walter: Wow, that was so amazing!

Kermit: Walter, you did a wonderful job.

Walter: Thank you, Kermit. Did we get that?

Miss Piggy: We got it.

Kermit: We got it, yup.

Film Crew: [speaks into bullhorn] Movie's over, people, go home. That is a wrap.

Scooter: Okay, nice work, everyone. Make sure to fill out your I-9's, and we'll see you on the next one.

Scooter: [crew leaves the set] So uh, what do we do now?

Fozzie Bear: Well, we're together again. We got the theater and all our fans are back.

Rowlf the Dog: Actually, those were extras.

Fozzie Bear: I saw a few tapping their toes.

Scooter: Yeah, those were paid dancers.

Fozzie Bear: Oh.

Miss Piggy: Or, maybe since we're all here, now could be the perfect time for you and me to tie the knot, Kermie.

Kermit: [stammering] Well... I mean, maybe I could-...

Walter: Hey, what's the camera still doing here?

Statler: Oh no, disaster! That can only mean one thing!

Waldorf: Doggone it, you're right.

Statler: Mm-hmm.

Waldorf: It looks like they've ordered a sequel.

Statler, Waldorf: Doh-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho!

Statler: Well, Waldorf, they finally made it to Broadway.

Waldorf: Yes, and I already bought tickets.

Statler: Are they good seats?

Waldorf: Sure are. They're on the next train out of town.

Statler: Hey, look, Waldorf. It's the frog and the pig.

Waldorf: Yeah, it looks like they're in love.

Statler: Yeah.

Waldorf: Kinda makes you sick, doesn't it?

[they laugh]

Waldorf: Woo-hoo!

Statler: Hey, lovey doveys!

Waldorf: Hubba, hubba!

Statler: I guess all's well that ends well.

Waldorf: Doesn't matter to me, as long as it ends.

Statler: Hey, Waldorf. Wake up. Here come the bikinis!

Waldorf: Oh, boy! We better synchronize our pacemakers.

[Statler and Waldorf are watching a fashion show]

Statler: Nice lines!

Waldorf: Yeah! And the dresses aren't bad either!

[Miss Piggy runs by]

Statler: Is breakfast over?

Waldorf: No, why?

Statler: 'Cause I think the bacon just ran out.

Statler: I wonder if there really is life on other planets?

Waldorf: What do you care? You don't have a life on this planet.