Charlie McCarthy Quotes in The Muppet Movie (1979)

Charlie McCarthy: [to the audience] You're not gonna believe who the winner is, folks.

Edgar Bergen: Oh, come now, Charlie, it's their movie.

Charlie McCarthy: Oh, so it is, yes.

Edgar Bergen: Once upon a time, long long ago...

Charlie McCarthy: Funny, nothing ever happens nowadays.

Edgar Bergen: No longer was the valley happy, for without the magic of the harp, all was misery, misery, misery.

Charlie McCarthy: Just like the eighth grade.

Edgar Bergen: Now, Luana, how would you like another piece of cake or some ice cream?

Luana Patten: No, thank you. I'm full up.

Edgar Bergen: Some candy?

Charlie McCarthy: Care for a cigar?

Luana Patten: Me?

[everyone laughs]

Edgar Bergen: How about you, Mortimer?

Mortimer Snerd: Uh... I don't smoke.

Edgar Bergen: I don't mean that.

Edgar Bergen: If it were one man and three beans... But, no. One bean and three men.

Charlie McCarthy: Well, at least there are no bones in it.

Mortimer Snerd: [referring to giant footprints] Oh, gosh! Who made them?

Charlie McCarthy: Well, it wasn't Cinderella.

Willie the Giant: Fee, Fi, Fo, Fum... I smell...

Charlie McCarthy: You're telling us.

Charlie McCarthy: Well, Donald may be nuts, but he's got the right idea. Kill the cow.

Luana Patten: Oh, no, Charlie! The cow was their best friend.

Charlie McCarthy: Well, a friend in need is a friend indeed.

Edgar Bergen: So what?

Charlie McCarthy: So, they need some steak.

Mortimer Snerd: No! If you're gonna kill the cow, I don't wanna hear the rest of the story!

Edgar Bergen: To think that this was once Happy Valley.

Charlie McCarthy: Now it's Gruesome Gulch.

Edgar Bergen: Days pass, weeks pass.

Charlie McCarthy: I pass. You deal.

Luana Patten: But why did the giant want to steal the harp?

Edgar Bergen: Because he was cruel and selfish. He didn't care what happened to the valley. He just wanted someone to sing him to sleep.

Mortimer Snerd: Well, why didn't he turn on the radio?

Edgar Bergen: Well, they didn't have radios in those days.

Charlie McCarthy: Yeah. That's why they called it Happy Valley.

[Mickey is pressed between a wall and the giant's jewelry box]

Charlie McCarthy: Anybody wanna buy a tall, thin mouse?

Edgar Bergen: No, thank you. Uh, I mean, no.

Edgar Bergen: Things look pretty dark for our heroes.

Charlie McCarthy: Looks like their goose is cooked.

Edgar Bergen: No. There's still a chance. Don't forget, there's still the magic harp. She knows the giant's weakness.

Charlie McCarthy: She could be my weakness.

[Willie is sniffing around his table while Mickey and the others are trying to avoid getting caught]

Charlie McCarthy: Hey, giant! You're getting warm!

Mortimer Snerd: Well, don't tell him!

Charlie McCarthy: Behind the jar, stupid!

Luana Patten: Charlie!

Edgar Bergen: [as the beanstalk climbs into the stratosphere] And all through the night, it grew onward and upward.

Charlie McCarthy: That thing is a menace to aviation.

Edgar Bergen: Yes, the voice of this golden harp cast a magic spell of joy and prosperity over the valley, but it was too good to last.

Charlie McCarthy: I knew there was a catch in it.

Edgar Bergen: For one day...

Charlie McCarthy: They built a school house.

Edgar Bergen: No, no.

Luana Patten: What happened to all the people?

Edgar Bergen: Well, suppose we look in on these humble peasants.

Mortimer Snerd: Is that a peasant?

Charlie McCarthy: That's a cow, stupid.

Luana Patten: Well, at least they had milk.

Edgar Bergen: Well, she used to be a good milker, but now...

Charlie McCarthy: She's an udder failure.

Edgar Bergen: Are you listening, Mortimer?

Mortimer Snerd: Uh... Happy Valley?

Edgar Bergen: That's right, yes. Now, just try to imagine it. Can't you just close your eyes and see it?

Mortimer Snerd: Well, I can't see very good with my eyes closed. My eyelids get in the way.

Edgar Bergen: Well, you create a picture in your mind's eye.

Mortimer Snerd: Oh.

Charlie McCarthy: That's not easy for him. His mind gets in the way.

Charlie McCarthy: [Goofy's pants have fallen down] Ha! Caught with his pants...

Edgar Bergen: [sternly] Charlie.

Charlie McCarthy: Caught with his pants...

Edgar Bergen: Charlie!

Charlie McCarthy: Well, his slip was showing.

Willie the Giant: [lifts the roof off of Edgar Bergen's house] Hey, has anybody seen anything of a teensy-weensy, little mouse?

Edgar Bergen: No, I-I-I...

[faints]

Luana Patten: Oh, Mr. Bergen!

Charlie McCarthy: Bergen, speak to me! Speak to me!

Willie the Giant: What's the matter with him? Something he ate?

Mortimer Snerd: No, it's uh, it's a fig... fig... figmentation of his imagination.

Willie the Giant: No!

Mortimer Snerd: Yeah. Well, good night, Willie. Don't slam the roof. You might wake Mr. Bergen.

[laughs]

Edgar Bergen: Well, what shall we do now? Any suggestions?

Charlie McCarthy: How would you like to go down to the city dump and watch me slug rats?

Edgar Bergen: Certainly not. How would you like to hear me tell a story?

Luana Patten: Oh, I'd love it. Wouldn't you, Charlie?

Charlie McCarthy: Well, I, uh... no.

Edgar Bergen: This is a story that everyone should know.

Charlie McCarthy: Yes, but not everyone should tell it, and you know who.

Edgar Bergen: I'm going to tell it anyway. Now, many, many years ago...

Charlie McCarthy: I think I'll go out and wind the sundial.

[tries to get up and leave, but Bergen stops him]

Edgar Bergen: You'll stay right here.

Luana Patten: What did the giant look like?

Edgar Bergen: Well, he was, oh... I'll try and show you.

[He turns on a lamp and aims it at the wall]

Edgar Bergen: He looked something like this.

[Makes a shadow puppet of a pig]

Mortimer Snerd: Looks like my pig, Snedly.

Charlie McCarthy: Never mind the self-portraits.

Edgar Bergen: Well, no, that isn't right. He looked more like... More like this.

[Makes shadow puppet of Willie the Giant]

Edgar Bergen: There he is now. And the giant came home for dinner, roaring...

Charlie McCarthy: [Steps in front of spotlight] ... drunk.

Edgar Bergen: [as Willie] I was not!

Edgar Bergen: [Normal] I mean, he was not.

Edgar Bergen: [as Willie] No.

Edgar Bergen: Down the castle hall he came, roaring..."Fee! Fi! Fo! Fum!"

Edgar Bergen: Now it was called Happy Valley because everyone who lived there was happy.

Charlie McCarthy: No! Well, there's a hunk of logic for you.

Edgar Bergen: This was the biggest adventure of their lives. Forgotten was their hunger, forgotten was their fear. It took courage to scale these massive steps, to make this journey into the unknown. But these stout-hearted lads never faltered. Three minds but with a single thought: What mystery lurked within those cold, forbidding walls? What strange spell hovered over this gloomy place?

[Mickey knocks on door]

Edgar Bergen: Will no one answer? Are they walking into a trap? Do they go in?

Charlie McCarthy: You know, you could stand some rehersal on this story.

Luana Patten: Isn't that a wonderful trick?

Charlie McCarthy: Yes, indeed. Yes. I wish I could enjoy my first childhood as much as he enjoys his second.

Edgar Bergen: The fields of golden corn turned to dust.

Charlie McCarthy: Kerplop.

Edgar Bergen: The laughing brook flowed no more. To think that this was once Happy Valley!

Charlie McCarthy: Now it's Gruesome Gulch.

Edgar Bergen: Naught left but beans.

Charlie McCarthy: Ahem. Bean, you mean.

Charlie McCarthy: [wearing a mustache; growling] I'm a giant!

Edgar Bergen: You are not. You're nothing of the kind.

Charlie McCarthy: Well, I'm a small giant.

Edgar Bergen: No, you're not!

Charlie McCarthy: I'm, uh... I'm tougher than forty men!

Edgar Bergen: You're not.

Charlie McCarthy: Well, er... twenty men.

Edgar Bergen: No.

Charlie McCarthy: No? Ten men?

Edgar Bergen: Aren't you ashamed of yourself, Charlie? Why do you act like that?

Charlie McCarthy: I don't know. I guess it's just a stage I'm going through.

Edgar Bergen: Well, take off that mustache.

[pulls mustache off Charlie's face]

Charlie McCarthy: Ow!

Edgar Bergen: Now go over there and behave yourself!

Charlie McCarthy: Yes, sir. Everything I do is wrong.

Luana Patten: Ooh, dragonflies!

Charlie McCarthy: Yeah. A-flyin' front and draggin' behind.

George Jessell: Ladies and Gentlemen, I cannot tell you the emotional impact that this song that the boys have recited has had to me. Which reminds me of a story that I told at a basketball game at Fryers. I can't tell it here, but, in conclusion, to you ladies, my visiting hours are 8 to 5, which are the odds that we'll ever get out of this tempest that we're in here.

Butterfly McQueen: I think Mr. Jessell is absolutely right, whatever he said.

Charlie McCarthy: Say there, you know those kids are right. America needs us. Well, me anyway.

Leo Gorcey: I got a brainstorm! Let's crack outta this creepy joint.

Pat O'Brien: How, Leo?

Leo Gorcey: Sorry, Father.

Pat O'Brien: Ladies and Gentlemen, may I recommend for your consideration, we all crack outta this creepy joint.

Louis Hayward: Its not that easy. Have you seen Rostinov's tank?

Johnny Weissmuller: Even if we get by the tank, we'll never make it over that wall.

Huntz Hall: I got it. I got it! I'm telling you I got it!

Leo Gorcey: What is it?

Huntz Hall: Radishes!

George Jessell, Butterfly McQueen, Charlie McCarthy, Pat O'Brien, Louis Hayward, Johnny Weissmuller, Huntz Hall, Kidnapped Hollywood Stars: Radishes? Radishes?

The PHYNX: Radishes?

Charlie McCarthy: What did your mother say to the stork?

Michael Day: That's an insult, take it back!

Charlie McCarthy: Exactly!