Fozzie Quotes in The Muppet Movie (1979)

Fozzie: [walking into the church and seeing the Electric Mayhem] They don't look like Presbyterians to me.

Dr. Teeth: [after the Electric Mayhem paint the Studebaker] Doc Hopper will never recognize you now.

Fozzie: I don't know how to thank you guys.

Kermit: I don't know *why* to thank you guys.

Fozzie: Ahh, a bear in his natural habitat - a Studebaker.

Fozzie: Hey, why don't you join us?

Gonzo: Where are you going?

Fozzie: We're following our dream!

Gonzo: Really? I have a dream, too!

Fozzie: Oh?

Gonzo: But you'll think it's stupid.

Fozzie: No we won't, tell us, tell us!

Gonzo: Well, I want to go to Bombay, India and become a movie star.

Fozzie: You don't go to Bombay to become a movie star! You go where we're going: Hollywood.

Gonzo: Sure, if you want to do it the *easy* way.

Fozzie: [to Kermit] We've picked up a weirdo...

Kermit: Where did you learn to drive?

Fozzie: I took a correspondence course.

Kermit: Hey, Fozzie, I want you to turn left if you come to a fork in the road.

Fozzie: Yes sir, turn left at the fork in the road.

[drives past a giant fork]

Fozzie: Kermit!

Kermit: I don't believe that.

Kermit: It's too bad the dancing girls are on vacation; this crowd's getting ugly.

Fozzie: Huh. If you think this crowd's ugly, you should see the dancing girls.

Kermit: Gee. A Studebaker. Where did you get it?

Fozzie: Oh, my uncle left it to me.

Kermit: Huh, is he dead?

Fozzie: No, he's hibernating.

Kermit: [navigating in the Studebaker] Bear left.

Fozzie: Right, frog.

Fozzie: There was this sailor who was so fat!

Sailor: How fat was he?

Sailor: [breaks bottle and points it towards him threateningly]

Fozzie: [Nervously] Uh, he was so fat that everybody liked him and there was nothing funny about him at all.

Kermit: Hey, Fozzie, look up ahead there.

Fozzie: What is that?

Kermit: Maybe we should give him a ride.

Fozzie: I don't know, he's pretty big.

Fozzie: [to Big Bird] Hey there, wanna lift?

Big Bird: Oh, no thanks. I'm on my way to New York City to try to break into public television.

Fozzie: Oh. Hm, good luck.

Miss Piggy: Oh Kermie, you were so courageous, so magnificent!

Kermit: Gee, I don't know what to say.

Fozzie: Say the bear was magnificent. After all, I did the driving.

Gonzo: And I took a hundred-foot belly flop onto a moving car!

Miss Piggy: Yes, but Kermit assumed the awesome responsibility of command!

Kermit: Gee.

Fozzie: Oh, brother.

Kermit: That's Piggy!

Fozzie: Yes, I know!

Rowlf the Dog: Hey, you do think we should help her with her bags?

Fozzie: Aah, no.

[Everyone]

Fozzie: No, nah, un-uh.

Fozzie: [while driving down the road in the car] Ah, a bear in his natural habitat. A Studebaker!

Fozzie: [after he's thrown behind the bar, he pops up wearing a beard and dressed like the bartender]

[Yelling]

Fozzie: Okay everybody, drinks on the house!

Male El Sleezo Patron: Hey, drinks on the house! C'mon let's go!

Fozzie: [as everyone but him and Kermit vacate the place] Yeah. Yeah. Go, go. They're on the house!

Male El Sleezo Patron: [Cut to the roof of the El Sleezo, where everyone else is now]

[Among the confusion and chatter of everyone else]

Male El Sleezo Patron: Wait a minute! There're no drinks up here! What's he talking about? The bartender told us there were drinks on the house!

Fozzie: [Cut back to the interior of the El Sleezo. After Fozzie removes the beard and moustache] Works every time.

Fozzie: Oh, I'm so nervous. If I'm not funny, I won't be able to live with myself.

Dr. Bunsen Honeydew: Well, then you'll have to get another apartment, won't you?

Fozzie: [after singing "America the Beautiful"] Patriotism swells in the heart of the American bear.

Fozzie: Hello, I'd like an ice cream.

Ice Cream Vendor: What do you want? Chocolate, vanilla, coffee, peach, fudge, rum, banana?

Fozzie: Honey.

Ice Cream Vendor: Honey? I beg your pardon, I hardly know you.

Fozzie: Ah! But seriously, I'd like a honey ice cream cone for me, and a dragonfly ripple for my friend the frog.

Ice Cream Vendor: OK.

[handing him the ice creams]

Ice Cream Vendor: One honey cone for the bear.

Fozzie: Yeah.

Ice Cream Vendor: And one dragonfly ripple for the frog.

Fozzie: Yucha.

Ice Cream Vendor: Don't get 'em mixed up.

Fozzie: Gotcha.

Fozzie: Kermit, where are we?

Kermit: [Looking at a map] Well, let's see. We're just traveling down this little black line here, and uh, just crossed that little red line over here.

Fozzie: [after taking his eyes off the road to focus on the map] How about, let's take the blue line, huh?

Kermit: No, we can't take that, that's a river.

Fozzie: Oh. I knew that.

Kermit: Yeah sure.

Fozzie: Well, listen Kermit, why don't we just go and...

Kermit: [Cutting him off] Fozzie? Uh, Fozzie?

Fozzie: Yeah?

Kermit: Who's driving?

Kermit: [after Fozzie parks the car in front of a church and turns it off] Boy, it feels like we've been driving for days.

Fozzie: [Still upbeat] Funny, yet I'm still wide awake!

Kermit: Yup. Me, too.

[Two seconds later Fozzie's head falls back, and he immediately starts snoring. Kermit jumps at that, then shrugs]

Kermit: [quietly] Me, too.

[Drops his head back and settles in himself]

[Doc Hopper is following Kermit and Fozzie in the rainbow disguised car]

Kermit: Fozzie, they're right behind us!

Fozzie: I know, I know.

Kermit: But Fozzie, how did they recognize us?

Fozzie: They recognized YOU. There's a hundred bears around.

Floyd Pepper: Yeah, the road manager. We couldn't go anywhere without him.

Fozzie: He's the man with the contacts?

Dr. Teeth: No, he's the man with the van.

Fozzie: I'm a professional. I've had three performances.

[repeated line]

Fozzie: No problem.

[repeated line]

Fozzie: Wacka, wacka.

Fozzie: [after Kermit has turned down Doc Hopper's offer] Five hundred dollars? Would you consider a bear in a frog suit?

Kermit: Fozzie!

Fozzie: I'm sorry, sir, I just lost my head.

Doc Hopper: [as Kermit and Fozzie drive off] Just a minute, Mr. Frog. Everything's negotiable!

Kermit: Did we do something wrong, Officer?

All Muppets: [Shocked when it reveals that the police officer is Max]

Kermit: Okay, Guys! Let him explain the violation issue.

Max: This whole disguise is only so that I can warn you!

Fozzie: Okay, Sure, Sure.

Max: I never thought Doc was going to hurt Kermit, I thought he was going to lean on him. But now he has hired a frog killer in from the coast, And the man is DEADLY!

All Muppets: [Everybody gets shocked about the frog killer]

Kermit: Hey Dr. Teeth, What's up ahead?

Dr. Teeth: Well, Just an old ghost town.

Kermit: Okay.

[to Max]

Kermit: You tell Doc Hopper. I'll wait for him there.

Max: What?

Fozzie: [as everybody get scared and concerned] You could killed, Kermit.

Kermit: Listen you guys, I can't spend my whole life running away from bullies, It's time for a showdown.

Fozzie: [pleading] We'll do better next time.

News Editor: Next time? Next time!

[pounds fist into desk]

News Editor: What makes you think there's gonna be a next time?

Kermit: Well, if there isn't it's gonna be a real short movie.

Kermit: We were wondering if you could recommend a nice hotel. Actually, a cheap hotel.

British Gentleman: How cheap?

Fozzie: Free.

British Gentleman: Well, that narrows the field a bit.

[reading from his guide]

British Gentleman: Let's see. "Places where you can park your carcasses." Bus terminals... River banks... The Happiness Hotel...

Kermit: Happiness Hotel? That sounds great.

Gonzo: What's wrong with bus terminals?

[Kermit, Gonzo, and Fozzie are in a hot air balloon, flying through the opening credits]

Fozzie: Nobody reads those names anyway, do they?

Kermit: Sure. They all have families.

[First lines]

Kermit: [In a hot air balloon] Pretty nice up here, isn't it?

Fozzie: Kermit? What if we drift out to sea? What if we're never heard from again? What if there's a storm? Or - we get struck by lightning?

Gonzo: That'd be neat.

Kermit: Listen, nothing's gonna happen. These are just the opening credits.

Fozzie: Oh. Where are they?

[Title card appears]

Fozzie: Wow!

Kermit: The Great Muppet Caper.

Fozzie: Nice title.

Dr. Bunsen Honeydew: I suggest we jump.

Fozzie: Are you crazy? That's at least a hundred feet!

Dr. Bunsen Honeydew: I didn't say it was a *good* suggestion.

Beauregard: Maybe we could jump part-way.

Pops: Hey, how're you guys fixin' to pay?

Kermit: What are our choices?

Pops: A: Credit card; B: Cash; C: Sneak out in the middle of the night.

Fozzie: We'll take C.

Pops: Very popular choice.

Fozzie: [about run-down hotel] If that's the Happiness Hotel, I'd hate to see what the sad one looks like.

Fozzie: What does "BSC" stand for?

Kermit: I don't know.

Pops: [banging on bathroom door] Hey! What's goin' on in there? Lotta folks out here need to use the restroom!

Kermit: Well, we're developing these pictures, we'll be out as soon as we finish. We're trying to catch a jewel thief.

Fozzie: A jewel thief!

Pops: Well, catch him in another room, people are dancing up and down on one leg out here!

Fozzie: [drinking champagne] You know, if you put enough sugar in this stuff, it tastes just like ginger ale.

Beauregard: Takes awhile to get to know the town.

Fozzie: How long have you lived in London?

Beauregard: All my life.

Kermit: How come you don't have an English accent?

Beauregard: Hey, I'm lucky to have a driver's license!

[Kermit, Fozzie and Gonzo are in wooden boxes on an airline flight]

Fozzie: Kermit, can you reach the hostess call button? I'm hungry.

Kermit: They don't serve food in 9th class.

Fozzie: What? Twelve dollars and we don't even get a meal?

Fozzie: Kermit, are bears allowed in those fountains?

Kermit: [bewildered] What?

Fozzie: Are bears allowed in those fountains?

Kermit: No, I don't think so.

Fozzie: I need a bath.

Kermit: [on the plane] Someone's coming.

Fozzie: Oh, maybe they're bringing hamburgers.

Fozzie: [Gonzo takes a picture on the bus] Oh, did I get my elbow in the shot?

Gonzo: Don't worry; it adds human interest.

Fozzie: But I'm a bear.

Fozzie: I sure could use something from one or more of the basic food groups.

Kermit: [the Muppets are in a frenzy about Kermit's date] Fozzie, this is all very embarrassing!

Fozzie: Don't worry Kermit, it won't leave this room.

The Muppet Newsman: Here is a Muppet newsflash! Kermit the Frog to date Lady Holiday! Details at 11.

Fozzie: Hey, Kermit, I'm getting hungry.

Gonzo: Call room service.

Kermit: There's no phone.

Rizzo the Rat: That's OK, there's no food, either.

[going over the checklist]

Fozzie: Peanut butter?

Floyd: Animal ate it.

Animal: Sorry!

Fozzie: [sighs] It was nice of the Chronicle to pay for our flight home.

Pops: Yeah, but a man should be treated better than his luggage.

Scooter: Yeah, well, my luggage was sucked out the door. Luckily my radio is frozen to my wrist.

Fozzie: [going over a checklist] Wax lips?

Zoot: Aw man, I just had 'em.

Dr. Teeth: Did you leave 'em in your other pants?

Zoot: I don't have no other pants.

Fozzie: [going back to the checklist] Yo-yo?

Janice: Fer sure.

Fozzie: Uh, excuse me, Mr. Holiday, sir. Would you let Kermit go? If you hold him too long, he'll just give you warts.

News Editor: How could you miss a story like *that?* It was right under your noses, practically bit you on the seat of your pants! There's just no excuse!

Fozzie: I guess this would be a bad time to ask for a raise?

News Editor: A *raise?* A *RAISE?* Oh, I'll give you a raise, all right!

[Bangs his desk, sending them all flying]

Beauregard: What's your room number?

Kermit: What?

Fozzie: I don't know, but we're on the second floor.

Beauregard: Oh, I'm sorry. I can only take you as far as the lobby.

News Editor: Did you read these headlines? Huh?

[reads newspaper]

News Editor: "JEWEL HEIST ON MAIN STREET!" And it's nice bold print, isn't it?

Kermit: Yes, it's very easy to read.

News Editor: Shut up now.

Kermit: [sheepish] Sorry.

News Editor: "Lady Holiday's Jewels Stolen," that's what it says in The Times. And here's The Herald, "Fashion Queen Of London Robbed." And last, but not least

[chuckles]

News Editor: here's our cute little banner story, "Identical Twins Join The Chronicle Staff." Now I ask you, which would you buy?

Fozzie: I read the one that has "Dear Abby".

News Editor: OH!

[News Editor pounds fist into desk in frustration, causing Gonzo to jump with fright up to a light fixture]

Gonzo: [going over the Thames] What's the name of this river?

Kermit: I don't know.

Fozzie: I think it's the English river.

Gonzo: Oh. I'll take a picture of it. Say cheese!

Kermit: Now, we're about to embark on a potentially dangerous mission. There could be physical violence, there could be gunplay, and there is the slightest chance that somebody might even get killed. So if anybody wants out, now is the time to say it.

Floyd: I'm out.

Rowlf: Me too.

Dr. Bunsen Honeydew: Ditto.

Beaker: Meep meep.

Zoot: Hey, don't we have a gig around here, or something, or somewhere?

Pops: Sorry, I got a dental appointment.

Janice: It's like this, Kermit, I have to go to work all day...

[everyone starts talking at once]

Fozzie: [shouting] Hold it!

[everyone stops talking]

Fozzie: Shame on you! I thought we were in this thing together. I'm just as scared as you are, but this has to be done! We don't want the bad guys to win. We gotta do this f-f-for justice! For freedom! For honesty!

Gonzo: [Referring to Big Ben] Is that the Eiffel Tower?

Fozzie: Yeah!

Kermit: No.

Fozzie: No. No.

Fozzie: [going over checklist] Whoopie cushion?

Rowlf: I think it's on the bus.

Kermit: [standing outside the Mallory Gallery] How do we get in?

Fozzie: I suggest we ring the door bell.

Kermit: [shouting] Uh, taxi! Taxi!

[to Fozzie]

Kermit: I don't know why the cabs won't stop.

Gonzo: Just leave it to me.

[throws himself in front of a cab]

Gonzo: Taxi!

Kermit, Fozzie: Aaaaahhh!

[the cab stops]

Kermit: Uh, that's very effective.

Gonzo: Yeah, it's great when it works!

Kermit: Okay, guys. It's up to us. We have to save Gonzo from a whole army of government agents.

Fozzie: Well, I have a joke book.

Animal: Drumsticks, drumsticks!

Pepe: I have some loose jello, okay.

Kermit: Okay. Well that settles that.

[Pepe reappears in ballet costume]

Pepe: La la la la lah laah. Lah!

Fozzie: Wow.

Pepe: I should, uh, go change, okay?