Tommy Quotes in Armageddon (1998)

Tommy: Mom, that salesman's on TV.

Denise: That man's not a salesman. That's your daddy.

Denise: What are you doing here?

Chick: I was just passing by on the, uh, I came...

Tommy: [comes onto the porch with a toy] Who's he?

Denise: That man's a salesman. Would you go inside? Thank you.

Chick: [Tommy goes inside the house] He got big.

Denise: You can't come around like this. The court says you can't. It confuses him.

Chick: No I know. I just... I wanted to say that I'm sorry about everything, and... I got something coming up, something kinda big. You just might be proud of me. Would you do something for me? Would you just give him this. You don't have - you don't have to tell him who it's from just...

[puts a toy shuttle on the porch]

Tommy: Get him a body bag! Yeah!

Tommy: Must be take a worm for a walk week.

[Daniel is riding across a steep hill on his bike at night - suddenly he is accosted by Johnny, Tommy, Bobby, Dutch and Jimmy on their motorcycles]

Dutch: Looking for a shortcut back to Newark, Daniel?

Tommy: I THINK he wants to learn KARATE! Right?

Johnny Lawrence: Yeah! Okay, here's your first lesson: how to take a FALL!

[He sideswipes Daniel, knocking him over the edge and down the embankment. Daniel just lies there]

Johnny Lawrence: [to Daniel as he's getting beaten by the Cobra Kai's after the Halloween Dance] You couldn't leave well enough alone, could you, little twerp? No, you had to push it. Well, now you're gonna pay!

Dutch: [as Daniel tries to flee] Where you going, sweetheart?

Bobby: [Dutch props Daniel up in front of Johnny] Give him a front kick, Johnny!

Johnny Lawrence: [Johnny does so twice,knocking Daniel against the fence and to the ground] Get him up!

Bobby: Leave him alone, man... he's had enough.

Dutch: Shut up, Bobby!

Bobby: Look at him, Dutch! He can't even stand up!

Tommy: So what?

Dutch: That don't mean squat!

Bobby: Johnny... leave him alone, man! He's had enough!

Johnny Lawrence: [screaming with rage] I'll decide when he's had enough, man!

Bobby: What is wrong with you, Johnny?

Johnny Lawrence: An enemy deserves no mercy!

Dutch: Right!

Johnny Lawrence: Right?

Dutch: Right!

Bobby: You're crazy, man!

Johnny Lawrence: [Miyagi intervenes and pushes Daniel out of the way as Johnny strikes] Tommy, Bobby... get him!

[Miyagi knocks all four Cobra Kais out]

Tommy: Look, I don't know what the hell your point is, but...

Varla: The point is of no return and you've reached it!

Tommy: I work on this baby the same way, trying to get maximum performance.

Tommy: Been running some timing trials?

Varla: We KNOW how fast WE can go. You can time that heap with an hour-glass.

Linda: Someone mention my figure?

Johnny: [Kreese and Johnny are arguing in the parking lot after the All-Valley Tournament] Come on, that's not fair! I got second place!

John Kreese: Second place? Second place is no place! You're off the team!

Johnny: That sucks! I did my best!

John Kreese: What?

Johnny: I said I did my best!

John Kreese: You're nothing! You lost! You're a loser!

Johnny: No, YOU'RE the loser, man!

John Kreese: Oh I'm the loser huh?

[grabs trophy from Johnny and breaks it, sending pieces flying]

John Kreese: Now who's the loser?

Johnny: You know, you're really sick man!

John Kreese: [grabs and puts Johnny in choke hold... Bobby runs up but Kreese swats him away] How does second place feel now?

Tommy: Come on, he can't breathe!

Bobby: Sensei, please... you're hurting him! He's sorry, he really is, OK?

Mr. Miyagi: [walking up to Kreese] Let him go.

Tommy: Yeah, Mr. Miyagi's right! Let him go!

[Kreese backhands Tommy]

John Kreese: [hissing] Beat it, slope... or you're NEXT!

Mr. Miyagi: I say, LET HIM GO!

John Kreese: [breaks hold and frees a gasping Johnny... Kreese strikes at Miyagi twice, breaking both hands in the process by slamming his fists through two car windows... Miyagi forces Kreese to his knees]

Mr. Miyagi: "Mercy is for the weak... when man confronts you, he is enemy...

[Kreese is staring fearfully at Miyagi, remembering his own words]

Mr. Miyagi: ...enemy deserve no mercy.

[Growls and brings fist to Kreese's nose, but honks it instead of delivering a fatal blow]

Tommy: You got problems now, Terry. You want trouble too?

Kelly Roark: Paper beats rock, but scissors beat paper.

Tommy: I'm not paper; I'm lava... what beats lava?

Kelly Roark: My dad... I hope!

Jimmy Monroe: This guy's the biggest car thief in Brooklyn, let's be careful

Tommy: [Rolls down the car window, looks up at Paul and Jimmy] You just scratched my ride.

Paul Hodges: What the hell are you doin', Tommy?

Tommy: I'm drivin', bitch.

Paul Hodges: Get out o' the car!

Tommy: Is it I'm black?

Paul Hodges: No! Cause you're TEN!

Tommy: Eleven!

Paul Hodges: Get out o' the car!

Tommy: I was wearin' my seatbelt!

Paul Hodges: Get out o' the car, you little re-peat offender!

Tommy: Fuck!

Tommy: What?

Paul Hodges: You know, I'm gonna smack the black off you!

Tommy: You can't do anything to me

Paul Hodges: Talk! About the stolen Mercedes-Benz!

Tommy: I'm not tellin' you nothin'

Paul Hodges: No, you gonna tell me somethin' or I'm gonna...

[Tommy kicks Paul in the balls]

Jimmy Monroe: I told ya be careful!

[Paul punches Tommy]

Jimmy Monroe: Paul, did you just punch a little child?

Paul Hodges: There's things you don't know about me, Jim, I'll fuck a little kid up if he kicked me in the dick!

Paul Hodges: Now we need to know about the Mercedez

[Jimmy looks on with a grin]

Paul Hodges: that was stolen a couple o' nights ago, in the back of a Mini-Mart, in Bay Ridge!

Tommy: I ain't tellin' you shit! You can't DO shit, cause I'm a miiiinor

Jimmy Monroe: Heh heh heh heh

Tommy: Fuck you too, Professor-X-looking Mother Fucker!

Jimmy Monroe: You are an angry young man.

Tommy: Yo, you're messin' with my business, bitch.

Paul Hodges: Whose car is this?

Tommy: Yo Momma's!

Tommy: I know about houses. l built mine out of straw. I'm not an idiot.

[Red has just explained how she escaped the Wolf]

Chief Grizzly: Yep, that settles it. We've got our bandit.

Nicky Flippers: Ah, could be. I'd like to count my chickens after they hatch.

Tommy: [oinks] Chickens?

Red Puckett: You've gotta admit, a wolf stopping kids in the middle of the forest? That's pretty creepy!

Nicky Flippers: Yes, right. But we don't arrest people for being creepy.

Tommy: [on radio] Yeah Bruce, you know that guy we got in the tank?

Bruce: Uh... the creepy one?

Tommy: Yeah, better let him go.

Nicky Flippers: [to Red] So you went on to Granny's?

Red Puckett: I found an old trail up the north side of the mountain.

Granny: [Granny has just revealed that she is an extreme sports athlete] Honey, don't look at your granny like that.

Red Puckett: I'm sorry, I thought you were Triple G! Or are you the Bandit?

[beat]

Det. Bill Stork: Awkward!

[awkwardly side slips his way out of the room]

Granny: You're being ridiculous, Red.

Red Puckett: *I'm* being ridiculous? You're off living... La Vida Loca, risking your life for some dumb thrills! And I'm supposed to stay home and be your happy little delivery girl?

Tommy: I, have a...

Nicky Flippers: Coffee break, anyone?

Chief Grizzly: Uh, yeah.

Det. Bill Stork: Whose got my keys?

Raccoon Jerry: You think Granny would mind if I went through her garbage?

Chief Grizzly: Excuse us.

[Everyone except Red and Granny files out of the room]

Granny: I thought you were happy.

Red Puckett: Open your eyes. I've never even been outside of the forest. Don't you think I'd want more than that?

Granny: Of course you do. You're a Puckett.

Red Puckett: [sighs] I don't know what that means anymore.

Tommy: [sitting in a tank] Freeze Mothafuckaaas!

Tommy: You see the taller blonde. Is that Anne or Barb? I can never remember.

Roland Sharp: HEBAT.

Tommy: What?

Roland Sharp: HEBAT. It's a mnemonic device: Heather, Evie, Barbara, Anne, Theresa. HEBAT.

Anne: [first lines - driving at chase speeds] Roger, we're going to *church*.

Tommy: That's why I didn't bring a helicopter.

Tommy: Dad and his mysterious phone calls.

Vince Ricardo: What the hell do you mean by that?

Tommy: Nothing. You're just always making these weird calls in back rooms and pay booths...

Vince Ricardo: You little snot-nose! Those phone calls put you through college!

Vince Ricardo: Son, do you remember when we used to play ball on Nagle Avenue?

Tommy: No dad, we talked about playing ball on Nagle Avenue, but we never did.

Nancy: [On the phone] Tommy money's appearing in Vee's account... are we being hacked?

Tommy: [Over the phone] Normally if you were being hacked money would be going out of her account

Tommy: You only use ten per cent of the internet

Vee: I'm kissing that guy. Okay, you sit here. Tell me when you're rolling, 'Kay?

[Vee hands Tommy her cellphone]

Tommy: 'Kay, it's "Mission: Impossible" now?

Tommy: Brothers don't shake hands. Brothers gotta hug.

Tommy: Let's think about this for a sec, Ted. Why would somebody put a guarantee on a box? Hmmm, very interesting.

Ted Nelson, Customer: Go on, I'm listening.

Tommy: Here's the way I see it, Ted. Guy puts a fancy guarantee on a box 'cause he wants you to feel all warm and toasty inside.

Ted Nelson, Customer: Yeah, makes a man feel good.

Tommy: 'Course it does. Why shouldn't it? Ya figure you put that little box under your pillow at night, the Guarantee Fairy might come by and leave a quarter, am I right, Ted?

[chuckles until he sees that Ted is not laughing]

Ted Nelson, Customer: [impatiently] What's your point?

Tommy: The point is, how do you know the fairy isn't a crazy glue sniffer? "Building model airplanes" says the little fairy; well, we're not buying it. He sneaks into your house once, that's all it takes. The next thing you know, there's money missing off the dresser, and your daughter's knocked up. I seen it a hundred times.

Ted Nelson, Customer: But why do they put a guarantee on the box?

Tommy: Because they know all they sold ya was a guaranteed piece of shit. That's all it is, isn't it? Hey, if you want me to take a dump in a box and mark it guaranteed, I will. I got spare time. But for now, for your customer's sake, for your daughter's sake, ya might wanna think about buying a quality product from me.

Ted Nelson, Customer: [pause] Okay, I'll buy from you.

Tommy: Well, that's...

Tommy, Richard Hayden: ...What?

[saying it correctly]

Tommy: I can get a good look at a T-bone by sticking my head up a bull's ass, but I'd rather take a butcher's word for it.

Tommy: Uh, what my associate is trying say is... Our new brake pads are really cool. You're not even gonna believe it. Like, let's say you're driving along the road with your family.

[Picks up model car]

Tommy: You're drivin' along, la-de-da, woo. All of a sudden there's a truck tire in the middle of the road. And you hit the brakes. EEEEEEEEE! Whoa, that was close. Ha-ha. Now let's see what happens when you're driving with the "other guy's" brake pads. You're drivin' along, you're drivin' along, the kids start shouting from the back seat, "I gotta go to the bathroom, Daddy!" "Not now, damn it!" Truck tire. EEEEEEEE! I CAN'T STOP!

[Slams model car into lighter]

Tommy: There's a cliff! AAAAAHH! And your family's screaming,

[sets car on fire]

Tommy: "Oh my God, we're burning alive!" "No! I can't feel my legs!" Here comes the meat wagon.

[Imitates siren]

Tommy: And the medic gets out and says, "Oh my God". New guy's around the corner puking his guts out.

[Imitates retching]

Tommy: All because you want to save a couple extra pennies. And to me, it doesn't...

Executive with Toy Cars: Get out. Now!

Tommy: [Richard tries blowing out flaming car] Do you validate?

Executive with Toy Cars: No!

Tommy: Does this suit make me look fat?

Richard Hayden: No, your face does.

Richard Hayden: Look Mommy, the Rhino's getting too close to the car.

Tommy: Him too afraid to get out, him just a little guy.

Richard Hayden: All right, that's it, fat boy, I'm gonna wail on you.

Tommy: Hey, boys and girls, it's Papa Smurf!

Richard Hayden: You don't want none of me; think it through.

Tommy: Just gimme your best shot.

[Richard Punches him]

Tommy: That was it? Come on you can do better than that, can't you Captain Limp Wrist? Try again!

[Richard punches him again]

Tommy: Hey everybody, is there a window open; I feel a draft!

[Richard punches him twice]

Tommy: If I wanted a kiss, I'd call your mother!

[Richard hits him over the face with a 2×4]

Tommy: That was a good one.

Richard Hayden: [Richard looks up] Hey, Prehistoric Forest!

Tommy: Did you hear I finally graduated?

Richard Hayden: Yeah, and just a shade under a decade too. All right.

Tommy: You know a lot of people go to college for seven years.

Richard Hayden: I know, they're called doctors.

[Richard knocks on the door impersonating the maid while Tommy tries to sleep]

Richard Hayden: Housekeeping. You want mint for pillow?

Tommy: Please go away let me sleep, *for the love of God.*

Richard Hayden: Housekeeping. You want me to jerk you off?

Tommy: What kind of hotel is this?

[opens door]

Tommy: Who the hell are... Oh, it's you.

Richard Hayden: Good morning, sunshine.

[last lines]

Tommy: Oh, that's gonna leave a mark!

Tommy: I l-left a message.

Richard Hayden: A message? What number did you call?

Tommy: Two, four, niner, five, six, seven...

Richard Hayden: I can't hear you, you're trailing off and did I catch a niner in there? Were you calling from a walkie-talkie?

Tommy: No, it was cordless.

Richard Hayden: You know what? Don't. Not here, not now.

[Richard's car is destroyed by a deer]

Richard Hayden: No way that just happened. My car is completely destroyed.

Tommy: I swear I've seen a lot of stuff in my life, but that... was... *awesome*.

[bursts out laughing]

Tommy: ... but, sorry about your car, man. That... That sucks.

Kid in Bank: Hey, Mom! It's the guy who robbed the bank.

Tommy: I didn't rob any bank.

Kid in Bank: Oh, yeah, right. Like it was some other real fat guy with a tiny head.

Tommy: I got a tiny head?

Tommy: [Tommy and Richard are sitting on a park bench after getting kicked out of Salinsky's headquarters] I thought they were on my side.

Richard Hayden: They figured they had something to gain if the factory was being closed.

Tommy: Boy this is the worst. My so called family deserts me. Michelle's mad at me. I've lost the factory, the town's going under and I'm out of a job.

[the park bench collapses]

Tommy: Could've done without that.

Richard Hayden: You're right! You're not your dad! He could sell a ketchup Popsicle to a woman in white gloves!

Tommy: Ketchup Popsicle?

Richard Hayden: Yeah. I learned everything I know from him. I didn't have a real father, but you, he was your real dad and yo just took him for granted.

[mocking Tommy]

Richard Hayden: "Hey I'm big Toms' son, I screw things up, but it's ok my dad will fix everything, so I'm allowed to be a MORON!"

Tommy: [Trying to copy his father's quote] Hey, I'll tell you what. You can get a good look at a butcher's ass by sticking your head up there. But, wouldn't you rather to take his word for it?

Mr. Brady, Customer: [confused] What? I'm failing to make the connection here.

Tommy: No, I mean is, you can get a good look at a T-bone by sticking your head up a butcher's ass... No, wait. It's gotta be your bull.

Richard: [embarrassed] Wow.

Tommy: [Tommy comes back into the hotel room unexpectedly, catching Richard spying on a girl swimming topless in the pool with his pants unzipped. Richard immediately dives into bed] Richard, what were you doing?

Richard Hayden: Um, going over some documents.

Tommy: Well, where are they? Geez, I don't see them!

Richard Hayden: They're... in my briefcase.

Tommy: How can you be reading documents, when they're in you're briefcase? Hmm... that's a mystery!

Richard Hayden: [Rolls over to go to sleep] Ok then, let's hit it.

Tommy: Richard! Were you watching, "Spank-tra-vision?" Maybe you were watching a movie with that funny comedian! Oh, whats his name? Buddy... Whackett?

Richard Hayden: Ok, let's get some shut-eye.

Tommy: [Looks out the window] Say! That's a pretty girl down there!

Richard Hayden: Good for her.

Tommy: Gee, I wonder if she goes out with one of the Yankees!

Richard Hayden: Couldn't tell ya.

[Later that night]

Tommy: Big day tomorrow. Hope we can keep this momentum goin'.

Richard Hayden: Yup. That'd be good.

Tommy: Richard... Who's you're favorite little rascal? Alfalfa? Or is it Spanky?

[Giggles]

Tommy: Sinner.

Tommy: [Tommy is stuck in the middle of a lake on a sailboat with no wind. Some kids are mocking him from the shore] You better pray to the god of skinny punks that this wind doesn't pick up, 'cause I'll come over there, and jam an oar up your ass.

[after Tommy has rubbed air freshener on himself]

Ray Zalinsky: Went a little heavy on the pine tree perfume there, kid?

Tommy: Sir, it's an taxicab air freshener.

Ray Zalinsky: Good, you've pinpointed it. Step two is washing it out.

Tommy: Hey, what's your name?

Helen: Helen.

Tommy: That's nice, you look like a Helen. Helen, we're both in sales. Let me tell you why I suck as a sales man. Let's say I go into a guy's office, let's say he's even remotely interested in buying something. Well then I get all excited. I'm like Jojo the idiot circus boy with a pretty new pet.

[Reaches down and picks up a dinner roll]

Tommy: Now the pet is my possible sale. Hello there pretty little pet, I love you. And then I stoke it, and I pet it, and I massage it. Hehe I love it, I love my little naughty pet.

[Pokes the roll playfully]

Tommy: You're naughty! And then I take my naughty pet and I go...

[makes ripping noises as he tears apart the roll]

Tommy: [Wailing loudly, making the whole restaurant look] Uuuuuuh! I killed it! I killed my sale! And that's when I blow it. That's when people like us have gotta forge ahead, Helen. Am I right?

Helen: God, you're sick.

Tommy: Forget it, I quit, I can't do this anymore, man. My head's about to explode. My whole life sucks! I don't know what I'm doing, I don't know where I'm going. My dad just died, we just killed Bambi, I'm out here getting my ass kicked and every time I drive down the road I wanna jerk the wheel into a Goddamn bridge abutment!

Tommy: D+?... Oh, my God... I passed! I passed! Oh, man!

[shouting]

Tommy: I got a D+! I'm gonna graduate!

[hugging a stranger]

Tommy: I wish we'd known each other... this is a little awkward.

[shouts]

Tommy: I got a D+! I'm gonna graduate! Give me five!

[Tommy carelessly set an open bag of M&M's on the dashboard and they immediately pour into an open vent]

Richard Hayden: Oh that sounds good: melted chocolate inside the dash. That really ups the resale value.

Tommy: I think you'll be okay here, they have a thin candy shell. 'Surprised you didn't know that.

Richard Hayden: I think your brain has a thick candy shell.

Tommy: Your... Your brain has the shell on it.

Richard Hayden: Are you talking?

Tommy: Shut up, Richard.

[Richard and Tommy almost got in a car accident]

Richard Hayden: Hey... I was just thinking... when we stopped for gas this morning I think it was you who put the oil in.

Tommy: Hey if you're going to say I didn't put the right kind in, you're wrong. I used 10-W-30. And besides, motor oil would have nothing to do with this accident.

Richard Hayden: True. But you can't latch the hood too well, IF YOU DON'T TAKE THE CAN OUT, YOU NO-SELLING WASTE OF SPACE.

[Tommy winces at his mistake]

Richard Hayden: I swear to God, you're worthless!

Paul: Did you eat a lot of paint chips when you were a kid?

Tommy: [laughs] Why?

Tommy: Richard? Is this your coat?

Richard: Don't do it.

Tommy: Fat guy in a little coat. Fat guy in a little coat.

Richard: Don't

Tommy: [singing] Fat guy in a little coat. / Fat guy in a little coat.

Richard: Take it off, Dickhead, I'm serious!

Tommy: Richard! What's happening?

[coat rips]

Tommy: Uh oh!

Tommy: Richard, do I have a mark on my face? It really hurts.

Richard Hayden: Nope, nothing. I thought I hit you on the shoulder.

Tommy: My shoulder doesn't hurt very much, but my face does.

[points to huge bruised area on his face]

Tommy: Right here. Not here or here so much. Right here.

Richard Hayden: Nope. Ship shape! Waitress, can I get that shrimp cocktail I saw in the glass case?

Helen: Yep. And you, what can I get

[pauses and looks at Tommy's face]

Helen: Jesus, what happened to your face?

Tommy: I knew it!

[Moments earlier they hit a deer, it's now riding in the back seat of Richard's car]

Tommy: Where are we gonna take the deer?

Richard Hayden: I dunno, the vet?

Tommy: You take dead animals to the vet?

Richard Hayden: Why not? I'd take you to the vet.

Tommy: Yeah I'll take you to the... Um...

Richard Hayden: Got that?

Tommy: Shut up.

Richard Hayden: All right, now it's sale time, so remember, we don't take no...?

Tommy: No shit from anyone.

Richard Hayden: No.

Tommy: Um, we don't take no prisoners.

Richard Hayden: We don't take no for answer.

Tommy: Oh yeah... We don't take no for an answer! We don't take no for an answer...

[Tommy and Richard have just finished a presentation]

'No' Manager: No.

Tommy: Okey-dokey.

'No' Manager: No.

Tommy: Gotcha. Thanks.

'No' Manager: [shaking his head 'no'] Mmmm-mmmm.

Tommy: Terrific! Thanks for your time.

[as Richard is adjusting Tommy's tie, it comes off]

Tommy: Heh, heh, heh, it's a clip-on.

Richard Hayden: Heh, heh, heh, are you sure?

Tommy: Richard, who's your favorite little rascal? Alfalfa?... Or is it SPANKY?

[chuckles as Richard covers his face]

Tommy: Sinner.

Tommy: R.T., I think I figured out the problem. This order is going to Columbus. That's a one-day delivery, but you've got it marked down for two.

R.T., Shipping Foreman: That's because it's going to Columbus, Georgia. Not Columbus, Ohio.

[he shows Tommy the shipping address]

R.T., Shipping Foreman: You see these letters by the city? That's called a state. What else you got, Wonder Boy?

Tommy: Uh... that's pretty much it for now.

R.T., Shipping Foreman: Hey, Tommy, maybe you should go back to college for another seven years and study a globe.

Michelle: I saw your step mom and your step brother and he was kissing her.

Tommy: So?

Michelle: With his tongue.

Tommy, Richard: UGH.

Richard: He's doing his mommy?

Richard Hayden: [after Tommy explodes in a client's office] That guy may not call us.

Tommy: I can't believe he called me a psycho.

Richard Hayden: Hey, were you in there just now? You are a psycho... Good God. And comb your hair.

Tommy: [after watching Ray Zalinski car commercial] Hmmm. He seems like a nice guy.

Richard Hayden: This is the guy trying to buy the company, not to mention put you out on the street, and all you can say is,

[sarcastically]

Richard Hayden: "Hmmm, he seems like a nice guy!"

Tommy: [admiring his new office] Hey, there's even a fridge! You could put six packs of be...

[glances at his dad]

Tommy: ... soda in here...

Tommy: Look at 'em there, pretty maids all in a row. I want the one on the left; she's perfect. Which one d'you want? Huh, huh, huh?... Alright.

Paul: Does it make a difference?

Tommy: Oh yeah. Wait a second. Is this your first time?

Paul: Yeah Tommy, it is.

Tommy: God, you're gonna remember this the rest of your life. Can't believe you've never been cow tipping before. Get ready to live. Huh, huh, huh, ssshhhh. She's sleepin'. What you do is, you put your shoulder into her and you push.

Paul: And?

Tommy: They fall over, hee, hee, hee.

Paul: And this doesn't strike you as kinda' dumb?

Tommy: We're family, we're gonna be doing lots of dumb stuff together. Wait 'til Christmas.

Tommy: [They pull up by a tree] Lord I never had to tinkle so bad in all my life.

[Richard begins driving away]

Tommy: What the? Oh Richard you're a riot. Stop the car. Son of a. What the hell's gotten into you? My thing got stuck in my zipper and I got piss all over my pants.

[Richard needs Big Tom to sign some documents]

Richard Hayden: I need your John Hancock.

[Tommy Boy scoffs]

Tommy: It's HERBIE Hancock.

Richard Hayden: What did I say about eating in the car anyways?

Tommy: It's not good cause it spoils your dinner?

Tommy: [goofing off in front of an electric fan] La-la-la-loo-loo... Luuuke... Luuuke! I am your fah-ther! La-la-lay-lu...

Richard Hayden: [Walks in] Oh, I've interrupted happy time! Now I know you want to sit there and keep being not slim, but we gotta work a little today.

Tommy: That was from Star Wars.

Richard Hayden: I know.

Richard Hayden: [Zalinski turns on a high-powered fan that blows Richard's toupee off] You tell anyone about this and I will kill you, you understand me?

Tommy: Uh... it looks real!

Tommy: Hey, remember your brother Duane? Whatever happened to him? We used to go to Safeway all the time and get caught trying to steal doughnuts.

Michelle: He's a cop. He had to get a real job when my parents moved to Cuyahoga Falls.

Tommy: Wow!

[awkward silence]

Michelle: [holds up box of Dunkin' Donuts] Want one?

Tommy: I'd better not. I have what doctors call a little bit of a weight problem. I used to grab bear claws as a kid, two at a time, and I'd get them lodged right in this region here.

[motioning at his stomach]

Tommy: [closes the hood of the car after checking the oil] She's a quart low.

Richard Hayden: Oh, yeah? Then guess what? Open it back up and put it in! That's your penance for the puppet show back there. And while you're at it, fill it up with gas, okay? I'm gonna go ask directions to our next huge embarrassing failure.

Tommy: [mutters] You're a huge embarrassing failure.

Richard Hayden: What?

Tommy: Nothing.

Tommy: Hey, what is this thing?

Louis, Factory Worker: It's a buffer. I take all the small pieces that need smoothing and give'em a zap.

Tommy: Cool, can I try?

Louis, Factory Worker: Sure, give'er!

[Tommy grinds a part with the buffer, it slips out of his hands and the wheel sends it flying across the factory]

Louis, Factory Worker: Nice distance!

Richard Hayden: You have de-railed...

Tommy: Shut up Richard!

Tommy: Richard, were you watching Spank-travision?

Richard Hayden: Okay let's get some shut eye.

Tommy: Maybe you were watching a movie with that funny comedian, oh what's his name? Buddy Whackett?

[Tommy sees a pretty woman. Richard is watching from his window]

Richard Hayden: Scram Tommy. Don't give her the weight room thing.

[Tommy approaches her acting muscular and buff]

Tommy: Do you know where the weight room is? I'll check it out.

Richard Hayden: What is our carrying charge for all the merchandise in the warehouse?

Tommy: Ohhhh, man...

Richard Hayden: One and a...

Tommy: ...half percent. I knew that. Why can't I remember it?

Richard Hayden: Try an association like, uhhh... Let's say the average person uses ten percent of their brain. How much do you use? One and a half percent. The rest is clogged with malted hops and bong resin.

Tommy: Richard, I'm gonna need your watch. I've got... a... plan.

Richard Hayden: Yikes.

[Tommy is celebrating his graduation with friends]

Tommy: Some of us are leaving, and that is sad, but this isn't the end. No way. We're gonna show this world a thing or two. We're going to show...

[he passes out and falls on a table and smashes it]

Tommy: We won't tell anyone. And if we do, we'll tell them not to tell anyone.

Kangaroo: What do you think you're doing?

Tommy: Oh, you guys with worlds are in trouble!

Kangaroo: Have you forgotten what we've discussed?

Horton: Oh no, I'm an elephant and elephants never forget, it's a curse really! I remember, I was on my head and you said hmm and I looked up and you said ,what are you doing?, and I said the thing about the speck, then you pulled my ears and you poked me in the forehead...

Kangaroo: Horton!

Horton: Well you did.

Tommy: It's Nigel Strawberry!

Nigel Thornberry: [Nigel is climbing a mountain searching high and low for the clouded leopard, but no sign of it] Not a hair, not a paw print, not even a dropping! Must keep my chin up. I'll find that cat, or my name's not Nigel Archibald Thornberry!

Tommy: [cut to Tommy and the babies trying to find Nigel while in the jungle] I'll find that big nosed nature guy, or my name's not Tommy "Awfully Bald" Pickles!

Tommy: That's a disaster. The reason I'm here is for this Top Technical Secret Film. Sort it out with Fat Chang; we must get it before the KGB. Otherwise...

[shrugs shoulders]

[last lines]

Father: Come on guys, get ready!

Laura: What for? Is something wrong?

Father: Oh, we thought perhaps you'd like to go to the countryside this weekend, to see our old house once more.

Laura: [gasps in surprise and delight, but runs to window and looks outside] Oh!

Max: [waves] Hi! Laura!

Laura: Uh, but, Dad, can we choose another weekend to go out in the countryside?

Mother: Why's that, then?

Laura: We've only just got here, Mom. Our new home.

Tommy: Home.

[giggles cheerfully]

Laura: [runs outside as ending theme "Touch the Sky" begins playing] Hey, Max!

[first lines]

Laura: [sighs and presses against her bedroom window] Ugh. Mom, Dad, where's the apple tree?

Mother: Oh, Laura, sweetheart. Has your spacecraft survived the move in one piece? And your flight? Come on, tell us a bit about it.

Laura: Mm. It was all a bit much, if you don't mind me saying. During our landing, we drifted slightly off course, as you all know. Then I opened my curtains and hard a good look around, and what did I see? My lovely apple tree's not there, nor my friends. The meadow has also disappeared and the birdhouse, my seesaw, my flowers and my absolutely favorite place in the hill, and...

Tommy: My Protect-Me-Dog!

Tommy: Even if you're down there for an hour, you're down there.

Tommy: For the audition, you will sing 16 bars of Kelly Clarkson's 'Since You've Been Gone'. If a group likes you, they will contact you directly. My tone-deaf sidekick, Justin here, will be collecting your information.

Justin: [Walking behind Tommy] If I could sing a lick, I would. But I can't. And I hate myself everyday because of it.

Tommy: [Looks over at Justin] I know.

[Looks back at audience]

Tommy: But if you think this is just some high school club where you can sing and dance your way through any social issue... Or confuse sexuality, you have come to the wrong place. There is none of that here. That's high school. This shit is real life. NOW. don't just bring it, sing it, and let's do this.

Tommy: Listen up, A-ca-ballers. I have been rejected by the Army, shoved into a Dora The Explorer backpack, and pushed into the girls' locker room wearing nothing but suspenders. But no matter. I am in the world that I love. And with the assistance of my boy Justin...

Justin: My liege.

Tommy: ...I launch this year's audition.

[whispers]

Tommy: Belly roll.

[while Justin is drumming on his stomach]

Tommy: The most recent ICCA national champion winners get to pick the audition song.

[Justin mimics cymbal crashing]

Beca: [whispering with other Bellas, excluding Aubrey and Chloe] All right nerds! Let's go with...

Tommy: Listen up, a-ca-ballers.

Mickey: Good dags. D'ya like dags?

Tommy: Dags?

Mickey: What?

Mrs. O'Neil: Yeah, dags.

Tommy: Oh, dogs. Sure, I like dags. I like caravans more.

Turkish: Well the rabbit gets fucked.

Tommy: [pauses] Proper fucked?

Turkish: Yes, before "Zee Germans" get there.

Turkish: [looks at the caravan] Look at it. How am I suppose to run this thing from that? We'll need a proper office. I want a new one, Tommy. You're going to buy it for me.

Tommy: Why me?

Turkish: Well, you know about caravans.

Tommy: How's that?

Turkish: You spent a summer in one, which means you know more than me. And I don't want to have my pants pulled down over the price.

Tommy: What's wrong with this one?

Turkish: [Pulls the caravan's door from its hinges] Oh, nothing, Tommy. It's tiptop. It's just I'm not sure about the colour.

Turkish: Fuck me, hold tight. What's that?

Tommy: It's me belt, Turkish.

Turkish: No, Tommy. There's a gun in your trousers. What's a gun doing in your trousers?

Tommy: It's for protection.

Turkish: Protection from what? "Zee Germans"?

Tommy: Who took the jam outta your doughnut?

Turkish: You took the fucking jam outta my doughnut, Tommy. You did.

Mickey: The deal was you bought it like you saw it. Hey, look, I've helped you as much as I'm going to help you. See that car? Just use it for you're not welcome anymore. You should fuck off now while you still got the legs to carry you.

Gorgeous George: Nobody...

Mickey: Nobody brings a fella the size of you unless they're trying to say something without talking, right boy?

Tommy: Sorry, Mickey. Just give our money back and you can keep the caravan.

Mickey: Why the fuck do I want a caravan that's got no fucking wheels?

[Gorgeous rushes Mickey]

Mickey: You want to settle this with a fight?

Mrs. O'Neil: Over my dead body! Now, go on! Go on! I'll not have you fighting! You know what happens when you fight.

Mickey: Get her to sit down. For fuck's sake! Want the money? I ain't fucked you. I'll fight you for it. You and me.

Mickey: I'll tell ya what. I'll do it for a caravan.

Turkish: For what?

Pikeys: For a caravan.

Tommy: It was us who wanted a caravan.

[looking around]

Tommy: Anyway, what's wrong with this one?

Mickey: It's not for me. It's for me ma.

Turkish: Your what?

Pikeys: His ma.

[Brick-Top's men have Turkish pinned on the floor. Errol raises a sword to strike, then Tommy appears with his dud pistol]

Tommy: Turkish, get your arse up. You lot? Follow me, and I'll fucking shoot you.

Errol: Calm down son, behave yourself.

Tommy: I've got the gun, son. I think it's you who should behave.

[Errol takes a step forward. Tommy cocks the gun and sticks it right in his face]

Tommy: What? You want to see if I've got the minerals?

[Brick-Top's men don't move as Tommy backs out of the slot parlor, then runs after Turkish]

Tommy: The human body hasn't got used to dairy products yet.

Turkish: Well fuck me Tommy. What have you been reading?

Tommy: Are you sayin' I can't shoot?

Turkish: No Tommy, I'm not saying you can't shoot. I know you can't shoot. I'm saying that six-pound piece of shit stuck in your trousers would do more damage if you fed it to him.

Turkish: Tommy, why is your skin leaking?

Tommy: I'm a little worried actually, Turkish.

Turkish: Worried about what?

Tommy: What happens if the gypsy knocks the other man out? I mean, he's done it before ain't he?

Turkish: We get murdered before we leave the building, and I imagine we get fed to the pigs.

Tommy: Well I'm glad to see you're climbing the walls in fucking anxiety. Pardon my cynicism, but I don't exactly trust the pikey.

Turkish: Don't think I haven't thunk about that one, Tommy. It's his mum's funeral tonight. God bless her. You know those gypsies like a drink at a wake. I'm not worried about whether Mickey knocks the other man out. I'm worried about whether Mickey makes it to the fourth fucking round.

Tommy: What if he doesn't make it to the fourth round?

Turkish: We get murdered before we leave the building, and I imagine we get fed to the pigs.

Mickey: I'll bet you for it.

Tommy: You'll what?

Pikeys: HE'LL BET YOU FOR IT!

Turkish: What, like Tommy did last time? Do me a favour?

Mickey: I'll do you a favour. You have first bet. If I win, I get a caravan... and the boys get a pair of them shoes.

[the Pikeys laugh at Turkish and Tommy, who are wearing plastic bags around their shoes]

Mickey: If I lose... Oh fuck it, I'll do the fight for free.

Turkish: [narrating] Now the last thing I really wanna do is bet a pikey.

Gorgeous George: It's a camp site, a pikey campsite...

Tommy: Ten points.

Gorgeous George: What we doing here?

Tommy: We're buying a caravan.

Gorgeous George: Off a pack of fuckin' pikeys? What's wrong with you? This will get messy.

Tommy: Well not if you're here.

Gorgeous George: Oh, you bastard! I fuckin' hate pikeys!

[repeated line]

Tommy, Gorgeous George, Bricktop's Henchman: I fuckin' hate Pikeys.

Turkish: I don't want to go in there. He's a dangerous bastard. Taken too many disco biscuits in the heat of Russian disputations. He's got as many of these nuts as he has those nuts.

Tommy: I don't care if he's got fucking hazelnuts. I want a gun that works, and I'm gonna tell him.

Turkish: My God, Tommy, you certainly got those minerals. Well, come on, then before "zee" Germans get here.

Tommy: How long have you delivered food to Mr. Koufax?

Nazo: I deliver food for six years. Plus, I'm stripper. But I've gained weight so that's a problem.

Tommy: I see. And, in your experience, was Sonny a good father to Julian?

Nazo: Oh, yes. They make terrific pair. They went together like lamb and tuna fish.

Tommy: Lamb and tuna fish?

Nazo: Maybe you like spaghetti and meatball? You more comfortable with that analogy?

Homeless Guy: Yes, considering we're in America. I mean, if you don't like spaghetti and meatballs, why don't you get the hell out?

Nazo: Listen, I'll come down there and give you a crew cut, Mister.

Homeless Guy: Let's see your clippers.

Nazo: Not my problem your father was sick.

Homeless Guy: That - well - -Stop yelling at me! AAAhhhhhhhh!

[Sonny is on the stand at the custody hearing for Julian]

Tommy: [stands up] Objection!

Lenny: Shut up, Tommy!

Tommy: [sits down] Sorry, Mr. Koufax.

Smalls: I was gonna put the ball back.

Squints: But it was signed by Babe Ruth!

Smalls: Yeah, you keep telling me that! Who is she?

Ham Porter: WHAT? WHAT?

Kenny: The sultan of swat!

Bertram: The king of crash!

Timmy: The colossus of clout!

Tommy: The colossus of clout!

All: BABE RUTH!

Ham Porter: THE GREAT BAMBINO!

Smalls: Oh my god! You mean that's the same guy?

All: YES!

Benny Rodriguez: Smalls, Babe Ruth is the greatest baseball player that ever lived. People say he was less than a god but more than a man. You know, like Hercules or something. That ball you just aced to The Beast is worth, well, more than your whole life.

Smalls: [Falls to the ground and clutches his stomach, groaning] I don't feel so good.

All: [Fanning Scott with their caps] Give him air, give him air.

Ham Porter: [mimicking Babe Ruth with a cigar in his mouth; can't understand him] Check this out. I'm the Great Bambino.

Sandlot Kids: What?

Ham Porter: [still can't understand him] I'm the Great Bambino!

Sandlot Kids: What?

Ham Porter: [takes cigar out of mouth] I'm the Great Bambino.

Sandlot Kids: Oh!

Smalls: Who's that?

Smalls: [narrating] I had no idea what they were talking about.

Ham Porter: What did he say?

Bertram: What? Were you born in a barn, man?

Yeah Yeah: Yeah yeah, what planet are you from?

Smalls: [narrating] But there was no *way* I could let them know.

Squints: You've never heard of the sultan of swat?

Kenny: The titan of terror.

Timmy: The colossus of clout!

Tommy: The colossus of clout!

Benny Rodriguez: The king of crash, man.

Smalls: [narrating] So, I lied.

Smalls: Oh! The Great Bambino. Of course. I thought you said the great Bambi.

Ham Porter: That wimpy deer?

Sandlot Kids: [after Wendy Peffercorn pulls Squints from the pool] Squints! Come on Squints!

Ham Porter: Come on Squints. Squints!

Timmy: Come on, Squints, come on!

Scotty Smalls: [shouts] Come on, Squints. You can do it! Pull through, bud!

Benny Rodriguez: Come on, man, come on!

Yeah Yeah: Yeah yeah, he looks pretty crappy.

Tommy: Squints! Come on man!

Bertram: My God, he looks like a dead fish.

Sandlot Kids: [Squints opens his eyes and smiles] *What*?

Wendy Peffercorn: [Squints kisses Wendy]

[muffled scream]

Wendy Peffercorn: *Ugh!* *Little pervert!*

Timmy: Aww, man, he's in deep *shit!*

Timmy: Smalls, you mean to tell me you went home, swiped a ball that was signed by BABE RUTH, brought it out here and actually played with it?

Tommy: And actually played with it?

Tommy: You know what I discovered? It's not who you want to spend Friday night with, it's who you want to spend all day Saturday with. Feel me, Felix?

Dylan: Yeah, but then it's every Saturday for the rest of your life...

Tommy: It's OK, you don't get it. It's no big deal. But you will. One day you'll meet someone and it'll literally take your breath away. Like you can't breathe. Like no oxygen to the lungs. Like a fish...

Dylan: Yeah, I... I get it, Tommy.

Tommy: Yeah, you don't.

Dylan: I'm supposed to meet up with Jamie.

Tommy: Who's that? That headhunter?

Dylan: Uh-huh.

Tommy: What, you guys going out now?

Dylan: No, no, no, we're just friends. We're... messing around a little bit.

Tommy: What do you mean?

Dylan: Sleeping together. But it's just sex.

Tommy: That never works, bro. She's a girl. Sex always means more to them even if they don't admit it.

Dylan: Jamie's different.

Tommy: Does she have a penis where most girls have a vagina?

Dylan: No penis.

Tommy: Then she's no different.

Dylan: What do you know about women, anyway?

Tommy: Dude, I've turned down more tail than you'll ever have.

Dylan: Yeah, bro - you're gay!

Tommy: But the offers keep rolling in, naturally. Look at me! And hey, I love women. They're beautiful, majestic, mysterious, mesmerizing creatures. Smart, empathetic, far superior to men in every way. And if I had a choice, I would be with women to my dying day. But me likes cock, so I'm strickily-dickily.

[repeated line]

Tommy: Still not gay?

[from trailer]

Tommy: The babies you two are gonna have. Those things are gonna get *really* big and then *really* small.

Jamie: We're not together.

Tommy: That was a highly inappropriate series of comments and I apologize.

[Tommy leaps over a wall into the Hudson River, and Dylan finds out... ]

Dylan: You have a boat?

Tommy: I live in Jersey. I ain't taking no ferry... Unless it's out to dinner and a show.

Dylan: So, it's always just about sex, then?

Tommy: No... I've been in love. I went down that rabbit hole.

Tommy: You ever shoot a guy in his eyeball?

Larry: I stabbed a guy in his ear once. Ice pick, right in his fucking ear.

Tommy: Yeah see, that'd be a different subject. That'd be ears.

Larry: Are you nervous because we're killing a chick?

Tommy: Yeah, look at me, I'm shaking. I got the chick-killing shakes.

Tommy: Was it Dillinger got shot through the eyeball, or am I thinking of someone else?

Larry: Moe Green got shoot through the eyeball in "the Godfather".

Tommy: Yeah, I'm talking about it real life.

Larry: Oh.

Tommy: Somebody in real life, got shot through the eyeball...

Larry: Who was that?

Tommy: Well... No Larry. Many people in real life have got shot through the eyeball. I'm just saying, I think Dillinger was one of 'em.

Larry: That's really good aim.

Tommy: No it ain't really good aim.

Larry: How is that not really good aim?

Tommy: That's a hundred fucking cops shooting a thousand bullets a minute, one of 'em's bound to go through somebody's fucking eyeball.

Tommy: In Cuba, the torturers used to have a device, two thin metal spikes, placed here, that they adjusted, and slowly, millimeter by millimeter, pricked into the eyeballs.

Larry: You're kidding me. Those Communist motherfuckers.

Tommy: Well, no, Larry. These are the ones those Communist motherfuckers kicked out.

Ray Wilkins: What do you think, tucked in, or out?

[reveals he's talking about his penis, which is tucked between his legs]

Buddy, Tommy: OH! OUT!

Tommy: [while getting his ticket torn by Randy, who is working as an usher and wearing 3-D glasses] Bitchin'! Is this in 3-D?

Randy: No, but your face is.

Tommy: It appears as though you forgot our French fries and a Coke, fishhead.

Randy: Oh, well, Peter Piper picked a pepper, I guess I did!

Tommy: [about his recent break-up with Julie] Who else is there? No other Val dude can touch me. She must really be freaking out.

Tommy: Boy, you wanna give me one good reason why you would steal a snickers bar.

Bert: The nougat?

Tommy: You bein' sick, that's your problem. Now Dennis is sick, that's my problem. And if I get sick, that's Lucille's problem. So we gotta stop the problem. We gotta stop the problem *right* now!

[shouts]

Tommy: Fenster, rifle!

Tommy: There's some kids in a cabin. They got a disease. They just gave it to Dennis.

Fenster: We'll need "The Kit."

Coach Williams: [screams at John in her bed wearing a red thong-John screams back and falls off the bed] You...

John Tucker: I'm sorry!

Coach Williams: ...little... MARCH!

[grabs John by the ear and leads him outside the hallway of the hotel. Coach Williams blows her whistle loudly. Many onlookers stare at John wearing that red thong]

Teammate #1: [sees John in that thong] John, what are you wearing?

Tommy: [sees John in that thong] Dude, those are for ladies.

[the geography teacher uses a pointer to demonstrate, on the classroom blackboard, the world of Pleasantville, which consists of Elm Street, Main Street, and the Town Hall]

Miss Peters: Last week, class, we discussed the geography of Main Street. This week we're going to be talking about Elm Street. Now, can anyone tell me the difference between Elm Street and Main Street? Tommy.

Tommy: It's not as long?

Miss Peters: That's right, Tommy, it's not as long. Also, it only has houses, so the geography of Main Street is different than the geography of Elm Street.

[Jennifer is frowning in bewilderment. She raises her hand]

Miss Peters: Mary Sue!

Jennifer: Yeah. What's outside of Pleasantville?

[the entire class turns to look at her]

Miss Peters: I don't understand.

Jennifer: Outside of Pleasantville? Like, what's at the end of Main Street?

Miss Peters: [chuckles and shakes her head] Mary Sue. You should know the answer to that! The end of Main Street is just the beginning again.

[the teacher points at the intersection of Elm and Main. The class feels released to giggle at Jennifer/Mary Sue's clearly stupid question, and Jennifer frowns again]

Tommy: Baby, you are a whole lot of woman... and I know what you need.

Noxeema Jackson: I hardly think you're the man to give it to me.

Beatrice: This is my Aunt Martha's dress. I thought you could use it. She was real big on the shoulders.

Noxeema Jackson: Thank you, girl.

Vida Boheme: Oh, sweet pea. Now, you listen to your Auntie Vida. I want you to believe in yourself, imagine good things and moisturize, I cannot stress this enough.

Clara: Miss Noxeema.

Noxeema Jackson: Miss Clara.

Clara: Now, listen, when you get to Hollywood, you give this letter to Mr. Robert Mitchum.

Noxeema Jackson: Oh, I will, I will, I promise you. I'll guard it with my life. Thank you. I'm gonna miss you.

Clara: I'm gonna miss you, too.

Noxeema Jackson: Good bye.

Clara: Bye.

Noxeema Jackson: I hope she leaves me those albums in her will. Alright, let's see. Can I hear it?

Tommy: Good afternoon.

Noxeema Jackson: Sounds wonderful. And look at the shirt, the shirt is fierce, and the hair is working. Get along now. You take care. Be good to yourself.

Gina: I'm finished speaking to both of you okay? You're both fucking insane. You want to know what your problem is? MTV, Playboy, and Madison fucking Avenue. Yes. Let me explain something to you, ok? Girls with big tits have big asses. Girls with little tits have little asses. That's the way it goes. God doesn't fuck around; he's a fair guy. He gave the fatties big, beautiful tits and the skinnies little tiny niddlers. It's not my rule. If you don't like it, call him. Hey Mitch. Thank you.

[Looking at a porn magazine]

Gina: Oh, guys, look what we have here. Look at this, your favorite. Oh, you like that?

Tommy: I could go along with that.

Gina: Yeah, that's nice right? Well, it doesn't exist ok. Look at the hair. The hair is long, it's flowing, it's like a river. Well, it's a fucking weave ok? And the tits, please! I could hang my overcoat on them. Tits by design were invented to be suckled by babies. Yes, they're purely functional. These are silicon city. And look, my favorite, the shaved pubis. Pubic hair being too unruly and all. Very key. This is a mockery, this is a sham, this is bullshit. Implants, collagen, plastic, capped teeth, the fat sucked out, the hair extended, the nose fixed, the bush shaved... These are not real women, all right? They're beauty freaks. And they make all us normal women with our wrinkles, our puckered boobs, hi bob, and our cellulite feel somehow inadequate. Well I don't buy it, all right? But you fucking mooks, if you think that if there's a chance in hell that you'll end up with one of these women, you don't give us real women anything approaching a commitment. It's pathetic. I don't know what you think you're going to do. You're going to end up eighty-years old, drooling in some nursing home, then you're going to decide, it's time to settle down, get married, have kids? What, are you going to find a cheerleader? Charge it Mitch.

Tommy: I think you're over simplifying.

Gina: Oh eat me. Look at Paul. With his models on the wall, his dog named Elle McPherson. He's insane. He's obsessed. You're all obsessed. If you had an once of self-esteem, of self-worth, of self-confidence, you would realize that as trite as it may sound, beauty is truly skin-deep. And you know what, if you ever did hook one of those girls, I guarantee you'd be sick of her.

Tommy: Yeah, I suppose I'd get sick of her after about, what, twenty or thirty years?

Gina: Get over yourself. Thank you Mitch. Say hello to Gertrude.

Tommy: What?

Gina: No mater how perfect the nipple, how supple the thigh, unless there is some other shit going on in the relationship, besides the physical, it's going to get old, ok? And you guys, as a gender, have got to get a grip. Otherwise, the future of the human race is in jeopardy.

Willie Conway: What was that?

Tommy: I don't know, but a great ass.

Willie Conway: Nice tits. Come on let's go.

Tommy: Can I ask you a question?

Andera: Go ahead.

Tommy: How long have you been going out with you boyfriend?

Andera: Eight months.

Tommy: And it's good?

Andera: It's very good.

Tommy: He makes you happy?

Andera: Yeah. I look for that in a man you know. The ones that make me miserable don't seem to last.

Tommy: Right.

Andera: You know there are fours words I need to hear before I go to sleep. Four little words. "Good night sweet girl." That's all it takes. I'm easy, I know, but a guy who can muster up those four words is a guy I want to stay with.

Kev: It's a trend in diamonds. Champagne. It's a nice stone.

Willie Conway: Yeah, no, I heard about this. It's a new trend in the diamond trade, they're trying to create a new market.

Tommy: Oh, right, right. yeah. They were callin' 'em "piss", but they weren't moving any units. What's with you, man?

Paul Kirkwood: What?

Tommy: Well, how much you pay for this brown rock?

Paul Kirkwood: What difference does it make?

Tommy: Diamonds are supposed to be colorless! You go out and buy a colored diamond for a girl you're not even seeing, man, you must be eating retard sandwiches again.

Darian: You can slip into something more comfortable.

Tommy: Like what?

Darian: Like me.

Tommy: No, Paul is not my friend. He lives in my house. I got cockroaches, I got termites... I got Paul.

Paul: What kind of future can she have with this guy, he cuts meat.

Tommy: You plow snow.

Kev: Hey, at least meat you can eat.

Tommy: How long you been going out with your boyfriend?

Andera: About 8 months.

Tommy: And it's good?

Andera: Yes, it's very good.

Tommy: He makes you happy?

Andera: Yeah. I look for that in a man, you know? The ones who make me miserable don't seem to last.

[repeated line]

Tommy: Stoner-bashin' time!

Tommy: Quick, to my step-dad's pickup truck!

Tommy: I can't see anything. You?

Zoe: No, my eyes are closed.

Tommy: Suck a bag of dicks!

Tommy: Say, I'm getting out of here.

Nick Charles: No, you stay here.

Tommy: If I stay, I know I'm gonna take a poke at him.

Nick Charles: Then I insist that you stay.

Tommy: [Toasting] Here's to you two.

Nick Charles: And here's to you two too.

[Hears the sound of a train whistle]

Nick Charles: Why the rat! He can't top us!

Dorothy: No!

Tommy, Nick Charles, Dorothy, Nora Charles: To-Toooooooo!

Tommy: Why did your mother divorce your father? I think he's swell.

Dorothy: Well, it seems he had a secretary.

Tommy: Oh! Well, I'll do my own typing.

Richard Martinez: [as Bianca] Hey, James and the Giant Peach, keep it down.

Tommy: You can't call me that. My parents are lawyers.

Richard Martinez: Your parents are siblings. Now, shut up!

[someone is singing "I Will Always Love You" in the background]

Tommy: What do you think? Do you think love lasts forever?

Hedwig: No, but this song does.

Tommy: Have you accepted Jesus Christ as your personal Lord and Saviour?

Hedwig: No, but I... I love his work.

Tommy: What is that?

Hedwig: It's what I have to work with.

Hedwig: [voiceover] He sang me songs.

Tommy: Classics.

Hedwig: [voiceover] The bands were new to me: Boston, Kansas, America, Europe, Asia.

Hedwig: [stops Tommy from playing his guitar] Travel exhausts me.

Tommy: Eve just wanted to know shit.

Tommy: Breathe through my mouth.

Tommy: Oh, God, oh, Hedwig, when Eve was still inside Adam, they were in paradise.

Hedwig: That's right, honey.

Tommy: When she was separated from him, that's when paradise was lost. So when she enters him again, paradise will be regained.

Hedwig: However you want it, honey. Just kiss me while we do it.

[after doing a hit on a commuter train]

Tommy: How these people do it every day?

"Cucumber" Frank de Marco: It's like fuckin' sardines!

Tommy: Sometimes in this life, a man's gotta answer for his indiscretions!

[the scene transitions to when the mob had Merv Green tied to a chair]

Merv Green: It was a mistake! An honest mistake! I was just trying to help the children!

Tommy: Oh, so you like kids, eh?

Merv Green: Oh, sure!

Tommy: Oh, then I bet you know some fairy tales then.

Merv Green: Yeah!

Tommy: Hey, Danny, tell him the one about the worthless prick that gets his head chopped off with an axe!

Merv Green: [Danny pulls out an axe and approaches him] No! No! NOOOOOOOOO!

[You see a shadow of Danny lowering the axe at Merv Green and transitions back to now where Sheldon looks horrified]

Sheldon: I don't think I feel so good about this all of a sudden, Tommy.

Danny: Then we took his head and played a little...

Sheldon: Okay, that's... way more information than I'd like to have at this point, thanks.

[Tommy Kotter is at a funeral after Spinner Dunn was murdered]

Tommy: Don't forget, this hit was meant for you, Shel. So from now on, wherever you go, we go.

Sheldon: I'll be fine.

Tommy: Fine nothing! As Christ is my witness, no one is touching a hair on your fucking head! Spinner would have wanted it that way. Okay boys, let's all pray and get shit-faced.

Tommy: [Breaks open the door] Well, if it isn't Mr. Rainbow, how lovely to see you in the flesh... c'mere!

[Lifts Randolph up off the couch by his sweater and grabs him by the front of his neck]

Tommy: Now, you want to tell me about The Rhino?

Randolph: [strangulated] This is private property, you're fucking trespassing...

[Tommy throws him headfirst into the piano, with the ceramic pot falling off of it and breaking and he lands back first on the floor]

Tommy: Danny, go give Mr. Smiley a little back rub.

[Danny picks him up and holds him up by the back of his sweater]

Tommy: Start yakkin', friend!

Randolph: I don't know what you're talking about! I'm minding my own business here, you're violating my private sp...

[Danny throws him towards the opposite wall]

Randolph: AAAAAAACE!

[Hits the wall with his whole body and slides down, then Danny lifts him up over his head with both hands and smashes him through a table]

Randolph: All right, you spud sucking fucks! I'm suing your riverdance ass!

[with a mocking Irish Accent]

Randolph: I'm gonna send you all the way back hooome, huh?

Tommy: Roy, have you got the hammer?

Roy: Always got the hammer, Tommy.

[pulls out a chisel hammer]

Randolph: [Danny grabs holds him up by the collar] I did it! It was me! It was all me! Thank god we cleared up everything without further violence.

[brief pause, then cuts to Randolph's perspective as Danny punches him hard in the face and everything goes black]

Tommy: This I guarantee: That fuckin' Randolph has seen his last rainbow. We're going to find him, cut off his balls, and shove 'em up his ass.

Sheldon: Well, maybe we should leave that for the cops, Tommy.

Roy: Cops won't do the ball thing, it's against procedure.

Benny: You know what I say? She gets a share, but not a full share.

Tommy: I'd go for that. Yeah.

Denny: Yeah, what if we each get a fourth and she gets, like, a third?

Benny: What are you? Nuts? Then she'd be getting more than us!

Denny: How do you figure?

Benny: Where are you gonna get four fourths and a third? Can't you add?

Denny: I don't do fractions, all right?

Denny: Did you get your share?

Tommy: My share of what? Oh, oh, yeah. I got it. I sold some stuff.

Denny: What did you sell?

Tommy: A rented car.

Tommy: You sure talk funny. Where you born at?

Avram: Poland.

Tommy: Oh. Is that near Pittsburgh?

Avram: No, that's near Czechoslovakia.

[Tommy and Avram are in a saloon, where Tommy is sawing away at a huge steak, but Avram is too depressed to eat]

Tommy: Now, look. You go up and change, and then we'll go together and we'll tell your people that the new rabbi's arrived. All right?

Avram: I told you that I can't be a rabbi.

Tommy: [Tommy hurls a piece of bread at him] Don't you tell me that. Just don't say that again. Not after what I've been through to get your goddamn ass here alive. If you hadn't have shot that man, then we'd both be dead. Do you understand that, you ignorant asshole? You do understand that? He was gonna kill you and then he was gonna kill me, am I right? When you shot that son of a bitch, that was not a sin. Then what the hell are we talking about?

Avram: When those men were shooting at you, I ran to save the Torah.

Tommy: So? I understand that. You're a man of God. I understand that.

Avram: I wasn't thinking about God. I didn't do it because of God. I don't know one thing about God. I was thinking about a book. I cared more for a book than I did for my best friend. I don't know if you can understand that. I don't want to insult you. But do you understand what I mean? I chose a piece of paper instead of you!

Tommy: But I forgive you.

Avram: I know that you do.

Tommy: But you're a good man!

Avram: I am a good man. I am. But I'm not a rabbi.

Tommy: Don't say that!

Avram: Tommy, I'm not a rabbi.

Tommy: Don't say that! You are a rabbi. I'm a bank robber. I'm a card player and a whoremonger. That's what I am. You are a rabbi. You can fall in the mud, you can slip on your ass, you can travel in the wrong direction. But even on your ass, even in the mud, even if you go in the wrong direction for a little while, you're still a rabbi! That's what you are!

Tommy: [Points to his horse's rump] What do you call this in Jewish?

Avram: Uh, a tuchas.

Tommy: Well, you keep your eyes on this took-iss, and don't take them off 'till I tell you!

Tommy: [Tommy sees Avram coming out of a Wells Fargo office] You did it, didn't you? You give 'em back the money?

Avram: Yep!

Tommy: Yep. Well, that ain't the American way. What's more, now you ain't got no money. Well, now what'cha gonna do?

Avram: Dunno.

Tommy: You don't know. Well, I'll tell you what I'm gonna do. I'm gonna get me a bath. Then I'm gonna get drunk. Then I'm gonna catch me a whore with great big tits. Then I'm gonna get drunk again. Then I'm gonna rob that Wells Fargo office and get me my money back, you dumb-ass Jew!

[Samuel Bender, his daughter Rosalie, and other members of the Jewish community enter the saloon, looking for their new rabbi. Rosalie points out the table where Tommy and Avram are sitting. Since Tommy is wearing a fine new suit, Bender approaches and begins welcoming him to town, in Yiddish]

Tommy: Huh?

[Bender continues in Yiddish; Rosalie gazes dreamily at Avram]

Tommy: What's he talking about? What's he talking about?

Avram: He wants to know if you're the rabbi.

Tommy: [amused] Me?

[Wealthy Mr. Bender and his affluent associates look back and forth between Tommy and Avram, frowning, because Avram is dressed in ordinary Western working clothes]

Tommy: You tell him.

Avram: I'm the rabbi.

Samuel Bender: [looking him up and down with contempt and disbelief] You're the rabbi? Funny, you don't look like a rabbi.

Avram: I just traveled three thousand miles across this country.

[He pulls his bandanna from his neck]

Avram: And I was thanking my best friend

[he pulls off his dusty coat]

Avram: for getting me here alive. My name is Avram Belinsky, and I come from a small village in Poland.

[He pulls on his black rabbi coat]

Avram: And don't you judge people by their appearance!

[He yanks off his cowboy hat, revealing his yarmulke]

[Matt Diggs considers reaching for his gun]

Tommy: Reach for it! PLEASE!

Avram: ...In that case, would you like to fight for that last fish?

Tommy: You think you got a chance?

Avram: I think I can say with complete confidence... none, whatsoever. But I'm still hungry.

Tommy: Help yourself.

[Tommy and Avram look out over the Pacific Ocean]

Tommy: Well, cuz, we made it. It was just like I told you. Right at that big tree; then left for a couple days; sharp right; and then straight as piss till you come to the ocean.

Avram: Who would have dreamed it could be so simple?

Tommy: Yeah. You don't know me the next time you see me, I'm gonna kick your ass all the way back to Poland.

Avram: Why wouldn't I know you? You going away someplace?

Tommy: Well, yeah. This is where we say goodbye, Avram.

Avram: What do you mean?

Tommy: Well, you follow that beach for a day and a half, you'll be in San Francisco. You don't need me no more.

[Avram can't believe what he's hearing]

Avram: Where are you going?

Tommy: Well, I'm going that way.

[He points]

Tommy: Sutter's Mill. That's where the gold is.

Avram: But I don't want you to go.

Tommy: Well, I gotta go.

Avram: Why?

Tommy: Well, I got people to see. Banks to rob. You know. I gotta make a living.

Avram: Who's going to be the best man at my wedding?

Tommy: What do you mean? That's for one of your Jewish friends. You gotta pick your best friend for that.

Avram: [getting weepy] You... you *are* my best friend.

Tommy: I'm your best friend?

Avram: You're my only friend.

[Avram points to the back of his horse]

Avram: Now, listen to me, cuz. You keep your eyes on this tuchas, and don't you take them off till we get to San Francisco!

Tommy: I never had a best friend.

[Tommy and Avram are being chased by a posse, but Avram won't ride on the sabbath]

Tommy: You give me the pee-doodles!

Avram: [Avram and Tommy are cuddled together under a blanket during the blizzard] We are doing this to keep warm, aren't we?

Tommy: Uh-huh.

Avram: In that case, you can put your arms around me.

Tommy: Come here, darling.

[the Diggs brothers and Jones ambush Tommy and Avram while they are romping on the beach and, in a shootout, Tommy kills Jones and sends Matt Diggs fleeing. Darryl Diggs shoots Tommy in the shoulder; Avram is obsessed with saving the Torah. Tommy, in pain and fear, screams most of his dialogue]

Tommy: He's out of bullets! He dropped the gun. Get the gun!

[Avram looks up, appalled]

Tommy: Shoot him! There, right there, look! It's in the sand! Don't let him get the other gun.

[Avram runs and gets the gun. Darryl is cornered]

Tommy: Shoot him! He's gonna kill us, shoot him! Shoot him, Avram!

[Darryl spots Jones's gun in the sand]

Tommy: He's going for the other gun! Shoot him, for Christ's sake, shoot him! Help me!

[Avram is pointing the gun at Darryl but is paralyzed. Darryl, walking slowly toward the gun in the sand, grins]

Tommy: He's gonna kill us; shoot him! Shoot him, Avram, shoot him! Don't you understand? He's going for the other gun. Don't let him grab that gun!

[Darryl, snickering, is almost to the gun]

Tommy: Don't let him grab the other gun! There, there, right there! Look! It's in the sand. Shoot him, Avram! Shoot him!

[Darryl is laughing out loud at Avram when Avram shoots him in the chest]

Tommy: What's the point of all my experience, if you don't listen to me?

[first lines]

Tommy: [to Christy's picture] I can't believe you died.

Prison Guard: Zelda, time to go.

Tommy: Sorry for staring, but you're not quite what I expected when the word "probation officer" popped up.

Angela Papadopolous: Oh. Well, don't even go down that road, 'cuz I'll grind nuts send them back to you in a pepper shaker.

Tommy: That's more like it.

Angela Papadopolous: Let me cut to the chase. You do what I say, we meet once a week, keep your nose clean, and we won't have any trouble.

Tommy: You'll be able to eat off my nose.

Ethan Papadopolous: Did you ever kill anybody?

Tommy: I'm thinking about it.

Judge Pierce: How's is goin' guys?

Tommy: Hey, good.

Rick: Beautiful house, sir.

Edgar: Oh yeah, beautiful house. If I gotta take a dump, I'm taking it home with me.

Tommy: I do my best to be unappealing, but man, it's a losing battle.

Tommy: I'm not the guy that went into prison. I'm the man that came out.

Tommy: [After opening the correct pipe] Okay Billy, give me the snake.

Billy: Give you the snake? Get your own fuckin' snake, give you the snake!

[Grabs his crotch]

Billy: I got your snake right here.

Mickey: Hey Pee Wee, how's it feel?

Pee Wee: How does what feel?

Mickey: Getting laid.

Pee Wee: Same as it always feels.

Mickey: I don't believe it.

Tommy: Never again.

Pee Wee: What are you guys talking about, I got bodies laid all over South Florida.

Mickey: Morris, the last time you got any action, it was your fist. The old rosy palm.

Pee Wee: You guys are just jealous because I ruined Wendy for everybody else.

Pee Wee: [after the guys laugh] Now that she's had me, what's left?

Mickey: Yeah well, that's not what she told me, Pee Wee.

Pee Wee: Well, what did she tell you?

Tommy: Ask her, Pee Wee, here she comes.

Billy: Yeah, I can hear her panting from here.

Pee Wee: Look man, when they've been had by Pee Wee Morris, they stay had. I mean, they can't keep their hands off me. You guys better watch out because when she sees me you're likely to get caught in the stampede. Watch this.

Wendy: [walks by passively] Hi, boys.

Mickey: [after the guys laugh at Pee Wee] She's in a frenzy, Pee Wee.

Tommy: Yeah, she's rabid.

Pee Wee: She didn't see me. She didn't know I was here.

Tommy: That's what she said about you on the bus.

Pee Wee: Oh man, the girl's my slave.

Billy: What's this?

Tommy: Blueprints.

Billy: I know they're blueprints. What are they of.

Tommy: Take a look.

Billy: Okay, here the school.

[Tommy pulls out a metal container, opens it, and pulls a snake out of it.]

Billy: Okay, so this is the gym.

Tommy: Right.

Billy: So now what?

Tommy: [Puts the snake in his view] So we take this snake...

Billy: [Throws down the blueprints, backs up frantically, screaming] Jesus Christ! What the hell are you doing?! Get that out of my face!

Tommy: You don't like snakes?

Billy: I hate snakes! You know I hate snakes! Jesus!

[Indicating Balbricker]

Billy: What are you going to do, kill her?

Tommy: [Puts the snake back] No, it's just a rat snake. It's not poisonous.

Billy: [Cringing] Yaah!

Tommy: Oh, I don't think I'm more important than Jesus, but unless he can miracle a baby up into my wife's vagina then I gotta take a pass.

Tommy: Hey Bill, did - did you ever kill anybody?

Bill: [slurred drunkenly] What kind of an asshole question is that?

Tommy: I mean, in uh, Korea.

Bill: What "career?"

Tommy: I know, but now I'm even worse. I don't know what I'm doing. I just, I, I just feel like... I don't know what I feel. I don't. I don't feel anything. Except lost.

[about having another glass of whiskey]

Vic: You're a weak man.

Tommy: Yeah, I know. That's why I drink it straight. The ice cubes are too heavy.

[Tommy is immitating Marlon Brando from "On the Waterfront"]

Tommy: I coulda been somebody, instead of just an ice cream truck driver, which is what I am, let's face it.

Debbie: Who was that, Jerry Lewis?

Tommy: Jerry Lewis? You thought that was Jerry Lewis?

Tommy: Everybody's fucked up, but nobody wants anybody else to think they are, but everybody knows they are anyway.

Tommy: If I win, I get to take you home. If you win, you can go home with me.

Crystal: What kind of deal is that, huh? I don't know it doesn't make sense to me.

Tommy: It's a good deal. It's a good deal for me!

Tommy: He's a little old man. Can't you take some of the wrinkles out? You've given birth to Mr. Magoo.

Tommy: No, Jerry is allright. Saved my life once.

Debbie: What, he was gonna kill you but he changed his mind?

Tommy: He saved my life once.

Debbie: What, he was gonna kill you but he changed his mind?

Harry: Can you help you?

Tommy: Yeah, I was in here last week, I left my number. I was just wondering if you found a mechanic yet.

Harry: No, not yet.

Tommy: Because I'm available, I mean I know you're probably still looking at other possibilities but I can start anytime.

Harry: I remember you. Where's your car?

Tommy: My car?

Harry: Yeah, when you drove away from here last week your car stalled out down the block, it took you 25 minutes to get it started.

Tommy: I know, it's a piece of shit. But I've got it running pretty good now.

Harry: So how come you're on foot?

Tommy: Just felt like walking.

Joanne: You're calling me a freak?

Tommy: No, I'm calling you a product of baboon lovin'. There's a distinction.

Tommy: Well, that was absurd, let's eat dead bird!

Tommy: Enough! You're a pain in my ass. You have bad hair. But I like you a lot.

Adele: Well, You know me. I can't change.

Tommy: Believe me, neither can I. Ma.

Adele: Even as a little boy, you didn't want us too close.

Russell 'Sad Sack' Terziak: Well, duty calls. Merry Christmas, if I don't ever see you again. You have a nice life, Claudia. (leaves. Claudia walks past Tommy and Leo, nearly in tears)

Tommy: She'll bounce back. Trust me on this.

Claudia 'Clyde' Larson: Joanne,huh? What a dick.

Tommy: I'm impervious. It's in one ear, out the other. Life goes on.

Tommy: She'll bounce back. Trust me on this. No, she feels her feelings. But she'll bounce back. Feelings come up and she actually feels them, which is great.

Tommy: She flashed me Claud, she flashed me.

Claudia: Welcome home!

Tommy: Where ya been? We ate already.

Russell 'Sad Sack' Terziak: I'm just lettin' the guys have the day off, you know, so they can visit their families, since I'm all alone this year.

Tommy: (to Leo) This is the saddest sack in the universe.

Russell 'Sad Sack' Terziak: Yeah, I don't have anybody anymore, my brother and sister got canned and they left town, and then my parents went and died on me.

Claudia 'Clyde' Larson: I'm so sorry. I had no idea.

Russell 'Sad Sack' Terziak: Yeah, well, you know - it was a car wreck, last summer, drunk driver, cut right across the, uh what was it, you know - meridian, pow - pow! Head on.

Aunt Gladys: How fast can you go Tommy?

Tommy: Like the wind, honey.

Joanne: I have friends in Boston, Tommy. Did you ever think about that? There are other people in this world. People who tell people. I mean, how embarrassing.

Tommy: Desert looks pretty good.

Joanne: I have friends in Boston, Tommy. Did you ever think of that? There are other people in this world. People who tell people. I mean, how embarrassing.

Tommy: Desert looks pretty good.

Tommy: I don't eat shit. It's against my religion.

Pete: What religion is that?

Tommy: The religion of sanity, Peter. You should try it some time.

Pete: I did, but I was excommunicated.

Tommy: I mean honestly, who in this day and age leaves their house and doesn't lock their door?

Mark: Maybe she's got Brinks or something.

Juan: What's that? A mental disease?

Roland: No man, it's a security system...

Juan: Oh... my bad.

Tommy: Absit invidia -Latin meaning "no offense intended"...

Maisie: Say, that's a kickie step. Who taught you that?

Tommy: Search me, Toots? You see, as a kid I was kicked in the head and when I came to - amnesia.

Maisie: How on earth did that happen?

Tommy: You've heard of the Russian Revolution - and all that jazz?

Maisie: Yes!

Tommy: Well, I'm told I was on the steppes of Odessa, when the Whites went bananas. When I woke up, all I could remember was how to tap dance.

Tommy: Every word's the truth, cub scout's oath.

Tommy: Hey, Toots! You're quite a hoofer!

Tommy: You know the double-trip maxie ford with the knickerbocker break!

Tommy: I suck! I don't deserve to live. I just wanna lie down in the middle of the road and get run over by a suzuki samurai.

Bubba: [hearing radio commercial] I think maybe I got tired blood.

Tommy: You don't have tired blood, you have lazy blood. There's a difference.

Sgt. McGee: How'd you get in the Army?

Tommy: Politics.

Sgt. McGee: Is that a reason?

Tommy: Look Sergeant, I got three reasons for bein' in the Army. First, I'm patriotic. Second, I love my country. And third, they nailed me.

Pvt. Twardofsky: And that goes for me too.

Sgt. McGee: Listen, you two birds report to me immediately after this formation.

[Next scene, Tommy and Maxie are peeling potatoes]

Pvt. Twardofsky: You and my big mouth.

Sgt. McGee: Shut up, back there!

Pvt. Twardofsky: [Marching, out of ear shot of the Sgt. McGee] There's one of the nicest guys ever born.

Tommy: That guy wasn't born, he was issued.

Johnny Jones: There's a lot of mothers and sweethearts in that mob.

Tommy: Speaking of sweethearts, get a load of that military objective approaching us. Shall I trip her?

Johnny Jones: Hey, take it easy, yardbird, the young lady happens to be a friend of mine.

Tommy: What are they rioting about, daddy?

Arthur: You don't know? And you took sides?

Tommy: I didn't!

Arthur: "Our ones?"

Arthur: When mammy and I argue, whose side do you take?

Tommy: Nobody's. I just turn the TV up.

Tommy: What if we start throwing bricks at each other?

Tommy: Don't be daft.

Arthur: Could be you and me, son.

Tommy: How do you and mammy sort it out?

Arthur: Compromise.

Tommy: Do you think there is any hope for Northern Ireland?

Irene: "Any hope for Northern Ireland?" McMarty's butcher shop got blown up today. Best bloody butchers in Belfast. It's a disgrace. And you ask if there is any hope for Northern Ireland.

Tommy: Who blew it up?

Irene: Who do you think?

Tommy: But why?

Irene: God knows son. Maybe they didn't like his sausages.

Tommy: This is amazing!

John Reilly: Hello! It's been a long time!

Nokes: Who the fuck are you guys?

[John and Tommy each pull up a chair and sit down at Nokes' table]

Nokes: Hey, who the fuck asked you to sit down?

Tommy: I thought you'd be happy to see us... I guess I was wrong.

John: You know, after all that training, after all that time you put in, just guarding someone else's money... that seems like a waste!

Nokes: I'm asking you one more time who the fuck you are!

John: Why don't you take your time it will come to you!

[Nokes stares at them, thinking]

John: I can see how you might forget. We were just something for you and your friends to play with.

Tommy: It's not that easy for us to forget... you gave us so much more to remember.

John: One down, Shakes, one down.

Lorenzo: One what?

Tommy: One Sean Nokes.

Tommy: [after John shot Nokes in the groin] Did that hurt, Nokes?

[last lines]

Tommy: They say what doesn't kill you makes you stronger. Maybe that's true; maybe it isn't. I only know this: it has to make you better. It has to.

Tommy: If this is really what the good guys do, tell him to pull the trigger.

Tommy: Vincent, slow down. Eating doesn't make you taller... it makes you fat.

Vincent: Go fuck your hand.

Tommy: Go get us a pack of smokes, will you?

Vincent: What am I, your bitch?

Tommy: [hands him some money] I'm buying.

Vincent: [gets up] Watch my purse.

Joey: What do you think makes a guy like that turn? Ratting, there's no excuse Tommy, obviously someone took his place.

Tommy: Who?

Joey: I don't know

Tommy: When I saw my father shot dead outside ours house, I remember thinking he probably deserved it.

[last lines]

Joey: TOMMY!

Tommy: JOEY

Tommy: Blood is thicker than water, no?

Joey: I don't know, I haven't drank any in a while.

Tommy: Good morning, beautiful.

Lorraine: Good morning, asshole.

Lorraine: You shouldn't have taken him there in the first place, it's sleazy and dangerous.

Tommy: So are you.

Tommy: [Eddie has gone to Botha Export Co Ltd for further investigations] We're closed!

Anne Scott: Got your coat?

Tommy: Yeah!

Anne Scott: Put it on.

Tommy: Who are you?

Anne Scott: Board of Trade.

Tommy: Well, what do you want?

Anne Scott: We have Powers Of Search.

Tommy: You don't look like the Board Of Trade to me.

Anne Scott: We're changing the image. Would you sit down please. Oh, wait. You've got something on your eye. No, don't touch it, don't touch it. Leave it to me. Relax.

[removes her glasses]

Anne Scott: Close your eyes.

[Kisses her]

Tommy: I'm Anne Scott.

Anne Scott: I'm all shook up.

Tommy: What's your name?

Anne Scott: Modelling. Clay Modelling.

Tommy: I don't think I fancy you, Modelling.

Anne Scott: Work on it.

Tommy: I like tall men.

Anne Scott: The Seven Dwarves got Snow White.

Tommy: Only cos they crowded her.

Anne Scott: You'll have to go on your knees then.

Tommy: On this floor?

Anne Scott: I'll put a cushion down.

Tommy: I couldn't.

Anne Scott: Why not?

Tommy: I stoop to conquer, I don't kneel.

Angela: Tommy and I are engaged.

Billy Gordon: What? Well, why didn't you tell me before?

Angela: Well, we couldn't tell you before it happened.

Billy Gordon: Before what happened?

Tommy: Uh, before we were engaged, sir.

[first lines]

Tommy: [pointing to the house] Well, here it is. Let's rip it off.

Tommy: We live for our brothers... without them we're nothing.

Tommy: Doesn't it make you proud to be Scottish?

Mark "Rent-boy" Renton: It's SHITE being Scottish! We're the lowest of the low. The scum of the fucking Earth! The most wretched, miserable, servile, pathetic trash that was ever shat into civilization. Some hate the English. I don't. They're just wankers. We, on the other hand, are COLONIZED by wankers. Can't even find a decent culture to be colonized BY. We're ruled by effete arseholes. It's a SHITE state of affairs to be in, Tommy, and ALL the fresh air in the world won't make any fucking difference!

Gail, Lizzie: What are you two talking about?

Spud, Tommy: Football! What are you talking about?

Gail, Lizzie: Shopping!

Tommy: Very, absolutely fucking radge. "It's me, or Iggy Pop", she says.

Spud: So what're you gonna do?

Tommy: Well I paid for the tickets!

[Telling Renton the truth about Begbie's story]

Tommy: It was Wednesday morning. We were in the Volley, playing pool. That much is true. But, Begbie is playing absolutely fucking 'gash!'

[Cuts to pool hall]

Tommy: He's got a hangover so bad, he can barely hold the cue, never mind pot a ball. And I'm doing my best to lose, you know trying to humour him like. But it's not doing any good. Every time I hit the ball, I seem to pot something. Every time Begbie goes near the table, he fucks it up.

[Tommy aims and hits the cue balls away from a cornered ball]

Tommy: Oh, for fuck sake.

[the cue ball bounces around the table but ends up potting the ball he tried to miss]

Tommy: So he's got the hump, right? But, finally I manage to set it up so that all he's gotta do is to pot the black, to savage a little bit of pride, and maybe not kick my head in, yeah? So he squares up... pressure shot...

[a man at the bar opens a pack of potato chips. The crunching sound putting Begbie off]

Tommy: And it all goes wrong, big time!

[the same man, eats a potato chip. The even louder crunch noise causes Begbie to rip the table with his cue and knock the cue ball off the table and into Tommy's hand]

Begbie: Fuck!

[Begbie travels over to the man, and cracks his cue over the man's back]

Tommy: He picks on this speccy wee gadge at the bar, accusing him of putting him off by looking at him. I mean the man hasn't glanced in that direction.

Tommy: How's it going with Gail?

Spud: No joy yet.

Tommy: How long is it?

Spud: Six weeks.

Tommy: Six weeks!

Spud: It's a nightmare. She told me she didn't want our relationship to start on a physical basis as that is how it would be principally defined from then on in.

Tommy: Where did she come up with that?

Spud: She read it in Cosmopolitan.

Tommy: Six weeks and no sex?

Spud: I've got balls like watermelons, I'm telling you.

Tommy: Useless motherfucker, that's what she called me. I told her, I'm sorry, but these things happen. Let's put it behind us.

Spud: That's fair enough.

Tommy: Yes, but then she finds out I've bought a ticket for Iggy Pop the same night.

Spud: Went ballistic?

Tommy: Big time. Absolutely fucking radge. 'It's me or Iggy Pop, time to decide.'

Spud: So what's it going to be?

Tommy: Well, I've paid for the ticket.

Tommy: [In Renton's head] Better than sex, Rents. Better than sex. The ultimate hit. I'm a fucking adult, I can find out for meself. Well I'm finding out all right.

Tommy: Begbie's fuckin' psycho, man! But... he's a mate, so what can you do?

Tommy: See me, feel me. Touch me, heal me.

The Specialist: [singing] He seems to be completely unreceptive. The tests I gave him showed no sense at all!

[pause]

The Specialist: His eyes react to light; the dials detect it. He hears but cannot answer to your call!

Tommy: [sings] See me! Feel me! Touch me! Heal me!

[sings again]

Tommy: See me! Feel me! Touch me! Heal me!

The Specialist: [singing to Tommy's mother] There is no chance, no untried operation. All hope lies with him and none with me. Imagine though the shock from isolation, when he suddenly can hear and speak and see!

Tommy: [sings again] SEE ME! FEEL ME! TOUCH ME! HEAL ME!

The Specialist: [singing] His eyes can see, his ears can hear, his lips speak. All the time the needles flick and rock. No machine can give the kind of stimulation... needed to remove his inner block!

Frank Hobbs: [Frank sings while Nora imitates him] I often wonder what he is feeling! Has he ever heard a word I've said? Look at him in the mirror dreaming! What is happening in his head?

Tommy: I'm free - I'm free, And freedom tastes of reality! I'm free - I'm free, And I'm waiting for you to follow me.

Tommy: Right behind you I see the millions. On you I see the glory. From you I get opinions. From you I get the story. Listening to you I get the music. Gazing at you I get the heat. Following you I climb the mountain. I get excitement at your feet!

[last lines]

Tommy: [final lines] You really love David, don't you?

Alice: Yep, I do.

Tommy: Yeah, I like him too, I just hate his taste in music. He always said you could fight with somebody and still like him.

Alice: Hey, now you're using your old noggin! Thanks pal!

[hugs and kisses]

Alice: My boy!

Tommy: Mom, mom, I can't breathe!

David: [Tommy's milking a cow] Hey, Tommy, watch the fingernails.

Tommy: Well, Christ, she's got tits the size of cucumbers. What do you expect?

Alice: Ahem. I don't know where he gets that language, I really don't.

Tommy: Think real hard, it'll come to you, lady.

Tommy: Put in another quarter and try again...

Tommy: [to Alice, disparaging David's style of music] Shit-kicking! shit-kicking! shit-kicking!

Alice: [after Tommy, was being a smart aleck] If you open your mouth, once more, I swear to God, I'm gonna nail it shut.

Tommy: [Opens his mouth]

Alice: I'm warning you, Tommy. I'm gonna throw you out, and you're gonna walk the last mile home.

[Tommy makes, faces at his mother]

Alice: Get out!

[Kicks Tommy, out of the car, and Alice drives away]

Tommy: Life is short.

Alice: Yeah, well, so are you.

Tommy: He asked us out there Sunday.

Alice: Farmer John's just gonna have to get along without me, I can tell you that.

Tommy: I want to go.

Alice: No.

Tommy: [Jumping on the couch] Yes!

Alice: No!

Tommy: YES!

Alice: NO!

Tommy: [Kicks the couch] Shit!

Tommy: Mom, are we in Arizona yet?

Alice: If you ask me that one more time, I'm gonna beat you to death. Just sit back there and relax and enjoy life, huh?

Tommy: Life is short.

Alice: So are you.

Tommy: She said she didn't want me to wear clothes like this in her class. So I took 'em off.

Robin: You didn't.

Tommy: Yah, right down to my underwear. Miss Bukowski turned this really neat shade of purple. It was kind of artistic.

Tommy: From now on, I'm a free agent. Look out girls, it's open season on Tommy Wernicke!

Tommy: I still wish I could find the Faeden.

Mr. Connors: [sighing sadly] Well, in that case, I'll just have to make sure that you get your wish.

Tommy: Promise?

Mr. Connors: With Ace as my witness... I promise.

Mr. Connors: Now, Tommy, you can't judge a book by its cover. Especially an old one... hee hee hee!...

Tommy: Huh?

Mr. Connors: Well, what I mean is, it's not what a person looks like that makes them what they are. It's the intent of their hearts and the good they're willing to do for others that matters.

Alex: He's trying to tell you hes not a leprechaun, Tommy.

Mr. Connors: C'mere, c'mere! Now listen, can you hear them?

Tommy: Who?

Mr. Connors: Why, the fairies, of course!

Alex: I don't hear anything.

Mr. Connors: Nothing?

Alex: Just the birds.

Mr. Connors: Aye, the birds, and the wind through the trees, and the animals rushing through the field. During the day, the fairies play along with the sounds of the meadow, and at night to the crickets and the owls. If you listen very carefully, you can hear them.

Tommy: I wish I could go up there with you.

Dad: Well, we'll just have to see to it that you get your wish.

Tommy: Promise?

Dad: With Ace as my witness, I promise.

Tommy: You are one, and don't think you can get away from me, because you can't!

Mr. Connors: Well, I'm sure I couldn't even if I were a leprechaun.

Alex: Oh, I told you he isn't one!

Mr. Connors: Ahh! I didn't say that!

Tommy: So you are one?

Mr. Connors: ...And I didn't say that!

Alex: Halt!

Tommy: You're captured!

Mr. Connors: What's this? Miniature bandits?

[last spoken lines]

Lt. Michael Grayson: I'll be seeing you.

Tommy: Aloha, partner.

Emma: What's that for?

Tommy: To make sure he's dead. There used to be a time it was hard to tell a comatose person from a dead one, so coroners tied bells to everybody in the morgue. So if they heard a 'ting', they knew somebody down there wasn't quite ready to go.

Emma: So, why do you have one?

Tommy: Well, I'm... I'm a bit of a traditionalist.

Tommy: Let's get the fuck out of here.

Tommy: This amount of lung damage, though, I'd expect the body to be covered in third degree burns. It's like finding a bullet in a brain, but with no gunshot wound.

Tommy: [to Austin] All these mistakes... my mistakes... and you had to pay for them.

Tommy: Die! Die! Die! Die!

Tommy: [after watching the teens skinny-dipping] Some pack of patootsies, huh?

Trish: Tommy!

Mrs. Jarvis: Someone left the front door open again.

Tommy: We're in the country.

Mrs. Jarvis: Well, what happens if a psycho wanders in?

Trish: He'd probably challenge him to a game of Zaxxon.

Lindsey: I'm scared!

Laurie: There's nothing to be scared of.

Tommy: Are you sure?

[Laurie nods]

Tommy: How?

Laurie: I killed him...

Tommy: But you can't kill the boogeyman!

Tommy: It's the boogeyman! The boogeyman's outside!

Laurie: Oh, Tommy, stop it! You're scaring Lindsey. There's nobody out there. Now, if you don't stop this I'm going to have to turn the TV off and send you to bed.

Tommy: Nobody believes me!

Lindsey: I believe you, Tommy.

Tommy: Laurie, what's the boogeyman?

Laurie: There's no such thing.

Tommy: I don't like that story anymore.

Laurie: I thought King Arthur was your favorite.

Tommy: Not anymore.

[takes a stack of comics from under the couch]

Laurie: Why do you keep them under there?

Tommy: Mom doesn't like me having them.

Laurie: Laser Man, Neutron Man. I can understand why. Tarantula Man...

Tommy: Laurie, what's the Boogeyman?

Tommy: But I saw the boogeyman! I saw him!

Laurie: Okay, what did he look like?

Tommy: Umm... the boogeyman!

Tommy: What about the jack-o-lantern?

Laurie: After the movie.

Tommy: What about my comics?

Laurie: After the jack-o-lantern.

Tommy: What about the boogeyman?

Laurie: There's no such thing.

Laurie: [Tommy's scared of the boogeyman] We're getting nowhere. Look, the boogeyman can only come out on Halloween, right? Well, I'm here; I'm not about to let anything happen to you.

Tommy: Promise?

Laurie: Promise.

Tommy: I went to go cremate Jason but I fucked up!

Deputy Rick: You got that right.

Tommy: The only way to kill Jason is to send him back to his original resting place where he drowned in 1957.

Megan: Lake Forest Green.

Tommy: Crystal Lake.

Allen Hawes: You just have to see that Jason's dead, right? Seeing his corpse ain't gonna stop your hallucinations!

Tommy: Seeing it won't, but destroying it will. Jason belongs in Hell - and I'm gonna see to it that he gets there.

Sheriff Garris: That's my daughter's car.

Officer Pappas: How do you want us to proceed?

Sheriff Garris: With extreme care, asshole! If the kid's with her, there's every good chance he'll try to do something crazy.

Tommy: [in the car, to Megan] Please don't do anything crazy.

Tommy: Don't shoot, please!

Sheriff Garris: You in show business, kid? You sure know how to make an entrance.

Tommy: Listen, Jason is alive! He killed my friend...

Sheriff Garris: You better slow down, kid. You already almost got your head blown off.

Tommy: Will you listen, dammit?

Sheriff Garris: Don't piss me off or I really will repaint this office with your brains!

Tommy: Please, Sheriff. You'll see we dug up it up.

Sheriff Garris: Well, he must've got chilly in the night and pulled the dirt back over.

Tommy: That's not right. Somebody covered it up. I got to see it.

[Rick draws for his gun and points it at Tommy's head]

Deputy Rick: Freeze it, psycho.

Sheriff Garris: Now, see what you've done. You made my deputy draw his revolver. He's been dying to try out his mail-order laser scope.

Deputy Rick: Wherever the red dot goes, you bang.

Deputy Rick: Megan, don't clown around.

Megan: I'm not the one with the funny red nose. Now, open the cell and let him out.

Deputy Rick: Meggie.

Megan: I'm not kidding.

Tommy: You better do as she says, because wherever the red dot goes, you bang.

Megan: [to Tommy while he's laying in her lap] If I reach Cunningham Road, I can lose them. Stay down!

Tommy: Whatever you say.

Allen Hawes: He put you through a lot, didn't he?

Tommy: Yeah. Fuck you, Jason.

Tommy: Jason's not in his grave! Hawes is. Dig it up! You gotta dig it up! You gotta dig it up!

Martin: Dig him up? Does he think I'm a fart-head?

Joanne: This is your room, right here.

[opens door]

Joanne: I made those curtains just for you. I bet blue is your favorite color. Take a look around. I'll start to unpack.

Andy Barclay: [takes a model toy train out of a toy chest] Wow!

Joanne: [laughs] I thought you might like those. Um, there's more in the closet. Before dinner, we'll go explore the backyard. And later, I'll read you some stories. Would you like that? There's lots of kids your age in the neighborhood Andy. I'm sure you're gonna make all sorts of new friends.

Andy Barclay: [pulls down a skateboard off the top shelf of his closet and out falls Tommy] Aah!

[runs out of room into Phil]

Phil: Hey, hey, hey. Andy, rule number two, no running in the house. It's only a doll. Andy are you listening to me?

Joanne: Oh Andy I'm so sorry I didn't realize that was in there. We've got so many children in here, it's hard to keep track of things. Don't worry I'll get rid of it.

Tommy: Hi, I'm Tommy. And I'm your friend to the end. Hidey ho. Ha ha ha.

Joanne: Why don't you get settled in. And then we'll have some dinner.

Denise: Cindy if, uh, you don't go back to bed... Santa won't come.

Tommy: [wanting to have sex with Denise] He's not the only one.

Tommy: [looking for Denise, unaware she has just been murdered] If this is some kind of joke, I'm gonna kill her.

[Tommy looks behind him to find Denise's dead body]

Tommy: Could be a silent alarm.

Karl: We're not in a bank!

Tommy: It's been like 5 hours and we're already like Lord of the Flies.

Tommy: [angry, frustrated] I got somewhere to be, okay?

Karl: [sarcastically] I don't. I was actually hoping something like this would happen. God, my life is empty.

Tommy: [trying the lotion] That feels great... very soothing.

Dr. Paul Carruthers: I don't think you'll ever use anything else.

Tommy: Look, what I'm suggesting is... you're full of Shit!

Paul: What, your hand broken?

Angelica: Yes, all broken. Oh!

[buries head on Paul's shoulder and clasps her hands on his shoulder and arm joint]

Clarissa: Hey, guys.

Tommy: Hey. Hey.

Clarissa: Look what I bought.

Geneva: Clarissa, did you know that we were gonna go camping in scary mountains?

Clarissa: Um, yeah.

Geneva: Great - great. I consider all you guys traitors.

Tommy: Hey, let me see that.

[referring to camera]

Clarissa: I bought it for 25 Euro. It's worth at least 200.

Tommy: No kidding?

Rasheed: Man, that's old.

Tommy: Hey, take a picture of me and Geneva. Come on, Baby - give me a kiss...

Geneva: [pushes him away] No, not with YOU! Get off!

Clarissa: Ready, Geneva?

Geneva: Yeah.

Clarissa: Smile.

[she gets into a glamorous pose]

Tommy: That pose was really gross. Come on, Jameela.

Jameela: Get out of my face!

Geneva: Thanks, Hon.

Paul: Just leave it.

Rasheed: Well, my turn then. Ready, all set, take a picture.

Geneva: That's it for now, babe.

[looks at picture]

Geneva: It's kinda strange.

Clarissa: Sorry, too late.

Geneva: [looks at cell phone in discotheque] It's Simon!

[Angelica comes over]

Angelica: Wow!

Geneva: Yeah, really.

[goes to tend to her phone]

Tommy: Man, that guy calls a lot, huh.

Jameela: Jealous?

Tommy: No.

Angelica: Oh, please, Tommy, we all know you're still crazy about her.

Rasheed: [jumps in] What's the word? Whipped.

[laughter]

Tommy: Screw you guys!

[goes through crowd to walk away; dances with Angelica]

Angelica: Let me see.

[referring to picture]

Tommy: That's it for now, okay? Hey, check this out.

[pics up Fallen Angel flier]

Tommy: It's a Morrocan discotheque. You guys wanna go?

Rasheed: Yeah, why not?

Geneva: I'm game.

Tommy: Let's go.

Clarissa: Where's Geneva? Hey, Tommy. Where's Geneva - her stuff is gone.

Tommy: How the hell should I know?

Clarissa: You sure you haven't seen Geneva?

Tommy: I'm not her babysitter.

Jameela: Yeah, but you're still in love with her, right?

Tommy: No, I'm not. Not anymore.

Clarissa: All her stuff is gone - where is she, Tommy?

Tommy: How the hell should I know - wh - you think I did something?

[the girls are silent]

Tommy: What? You think I'm Jack the Ripper? Okay, fine! I was outside the club with her, and she said she was taking a train home. She says "goodbye, everyone" and "see you back at school". Okay? And that was the last time I saw her, period.

Clarissa: Sorry, Tommy.

Tommy: Whatever. No big deal; it's the best thing in the world she left, I don't care; don't need her.

Jameela: [comes over] Hey, where's Geneva?

[Tommy sighs exasperated and gets in the vehicle and they drive toward the Atlas Mountains]

Tommy: I guess it's kind of a family matter.

Tripps: Family matter? Oh, yes. Come this way, please.

Tommy: You can't worry about the whole world. If there's one thing I learned from Jesus is you don't be a damn martyr. You got to think about yourself.

[after handless Evan has just tried to commit suicide by drowning himself in the bathtub]

Tommy: You forgot to put the toaster on the ledge.

Evan: Lenny likes Poptarts. You guys are all the better now.

Tommy: I know it's hard but you can't give up.

Evan: I can't even fucking kill myself.

Tommy: Don't talk like that.

[last lines]

[director's cut]

Tommy: True happiness can only be achieved through sacrifice, like the sacrifices our parents have made for us to be here today.

Kayleigh: Woo-hoo! Great, Tommy!

Tommy: Trumpy, you can do magic things!

[Tommy shows his uncle his specimen]

Tommy: Look, Uncle Bill!

Uncle Bill: Uh, centipede.

Tommy: It's a Lithobius microps!

Uncle Bill: To ME, it's a CENTIPEDE. It'll ALWAYS be called A CENTIPEDE!

Tommy: [about how Trumpy puts his puzzle together by magic] Ah, that's cheating. You must teach me one day.

Tommy: Go away Trumpy! I hate you! Go away! We're not friends anymore! Go away!

Tommy: That's the Professor's timeball, Susie. We can make it fly Back to Methuselah, or forward to the space of Things to Come.

Tommy: Why! Mr. South America. I thought you were in Hamilton. I mean, Mr. Hamilton, I thought you were in, er, South America.

Mr. Hamilton: [with Irish accent] Whatta yer doin' with my champagne?

Tommy: Ay-o-i-er... I was just going to launch a battleship, only, somebody's stolen it.

Bill Barton: [looking down on Earth] Ooh, look Susie! North and South America...

Tommy: It's a small world, I always say.

Bill Barton: ...and the Far East.

Tommy: And, Mae West.

Tommy: Bring me some food and wine! But don't bother about the food!

Capt. Walter Raleigh: [looking at Tommy's jewellery and accessories] Gold. Silver. Diamonds. Didst have to dig deep for them?

Tommy: No. Just lifted them from the suckers.

Capt. Walter Raleigh: "The suckers"? A native tribe?

Tommy: There's one born every minute. What's the time now?

Capt. Walter Raleigh: What would I not give to go to thy country?

Tommy: That's a boy, Wally! So you shall. I'll fix you up with a lecture tour. What a time you'll have with the gals!

Capt. Walter Raleigh: "The gals"? Another native tribe like "the suckers"?

Tommy: Listen tosspot! How dare you bottle my best friend in bitter. Don't you know it's a crime to waste wallop in wartime?

Queen Elizabeth: Thou dost *own* the Americas?

Tommy: All the Stars and most of the Stripes.

Tommy: [auctioning off the Americas] Going, going, gone! Sold for a thousand guineas to the Earl of Jersey! There you are, Jersey. Stick that up your jumper. I'm calling you Jersey after you.

Queen Elizabeth: This Manhattan territory... is mine!

Tommy: Sold! Shall we put it down to 500 guineas?

Queen Elizabeth: Your reward shall be greater than that! I hereby appoint you: *First* Gentleman of the Bedchamber.

Tommy: But, but I've already got a handle to me name. But... b-, whose, er, whose bedchamber is it?

Queen Elizabeth: Our *Rrroyal* Bedchamber.

Tommy: Oh, couldn't I have the 500 guineas?

Queen Elizabeth: No!

Tommy: [handing Queen Elizabeth a photograph of the White House] That's my weekend cottage in Washington.

Tommy: [crooked gambling the Royal Court] The more you put down, the more you'll pick up. There is no hocus. There is no pocus. And no smoke or smell comes from the land but the bun goes round. Here it is. There it goes. Now watch it, folks. Watch it. Is it in heaven? Is it in hell? The dimmed elusive fall beneath the shell. Keep your peepers on the ball, folks. That's what you have to do. There is no jiggery. No pokery. Now, Your Majesty. Under which shell is the little ball hiding this time?

Queen Elizabeth: [after Tommy has taught her the racket] Come, Dame Margaret. Thou shalt pit thy wits against mine. The stake - shall be the baulbles thou wearest. Keep thy peepers on the little ball.

Dame Margaret: But, Your Majesty, I, ah...

Tommy: You heard.

Queen Elizabeth: Aye. Thou heardest.

Queen Elizabeth: [to Susie Barton who is disguised as Capt. John Smith] Then, Captain Smith, it will please thee to know that thy shipmate hath *sold* the Americas to us.

Susie Barton: Oh, he hath, hath he?

Tommy: Yeth.

Queen Elizabeth: I have improved on thy game. The little ball lurks not under any shell. I have cast it awaaayyy.

Tommy: Well, I... it's lucky I didn't teach you strip poker.

Tommy: Hiawatha! Winnitoka. Molakatoni. Kalamazoo.

Bill Barton: Oogie-woogie. Heidi-ho. Root-toot-toot and a suit-suit.

Tommy: [leading Susie Barton, Bill Barton, and the Professor in a singsong] Dear old pals, jolly old pals, always together in all sorts of weather. Dear old pals, jolly old pals, give me the frrriendship of deeaaar ollld paaaaaals.

Captain Of The Guard: Thou art not one of my men; yet I seem to have seen thy face before.

Tommy: Oh, polygations-orfdog-n-elly-gethanthems-unsense.

Captain Of The Guard: What sayest thou?

Tommy: I said: thyhyperbole-arlford-ron-titty-benonsense.

Captain Of The Guard: Ay?

Tommy: Er, er, look! Ther-sithy-um-besinth. Er, er. Camrens, er, bloody-confreys. Camrens. Allaputes-shushi-cuppasoon. Orla-pchinla-thn.

Burleigh: What is afoot?

Tommy: An ankle turned up at the end.

Tommy: [leading the Royal Court in a singsong] ... All the red-hot Indian Mommas/Love to spend their Indian Summers/Smoking shag and listening to his song...

Tommy: We seem to be sailing through clouds with knobs on.

Duncan Miller: What's the hurry?

Tommy: Nah, It's a little tradition that we have, that the first car to the way-game wins a bottle of buy-booze. It's like, you know, sprite that you... from the system.

Duncan Miller: Okay, so what are we waiting for?

Tommy: Nah, it's no danger on the roof. Just gonna give them a couple of minutes, so it's more, uhm, interesting. Like Burt Reynolds in the film; Now We Blow The Cops!

Tommy: Oh yeah, I almost forgot, who am I next Saturday?

Leslie: Your Evel Knievel.

Tommy: And who are you gonna be?

Leslie: The Grand Canyon.

Tommy: [after shutting the door] You sure are.

Nan: It's alcohol! That's gotten you kicked out of a dozen colleges.

Tommy: It's got a kick, all right.

'Dutch' Herman: Tommy, get hold of our destroyers!

Tommy: You bet! I'll give them the S.O.S.

'Dutch' Herman: S.O.S., hell! Tell them the German subs are planning to attack our troop ships that left New York yesterday.