Karl Quotes in Armageddon (1998)

Karl: Sir, I'm retired navy, I know all about classified. But one more thing. The person that finds her gets to name her right?

Dan: Yes-yes that's right, that's right.

Karl: I wanna name her Dottie after my wife. She's a vicious life-sucking bitch from which there is no escape.

Karl: Get my phone book, get those names of those guys from NASA.

Dottie: Excuse me? Am I wearing a sign that says "Karl's slave"?

Karl: [shouting] Go get my goddamn phone book! Get the book! Get the book! Get the book!

Hans Gruber: [Hans' radio turns on] I thought I told all of you, I want radio silence until further...

John McClane: Ooooh, I'm very sorry Hans. I didn't get that message. Maybe you should've put it on the bulletin board. I figured since I've waxed Tony and Marco and his friend here, I figured you and Karl and Franco might be a little lonely, so I wanted to give you a call.

Karl: How does he know so much about th...

Hans Gruber: [silences Karl him with a gesture] That's very kind of you. I assume you are our mysterious party crasher. You are most troublesome, for a security guard.

John McClane: Eeeh! Sorry Hans, wrong guess. Would you like to go for Double Jeopardy where the scores can really change?

[speaking to dead man about cigarettes]

John McClane: Whoa, these are very bad for you.

Hans Gruber: Who are you then?

John McClane: Just a fly in the ointment, Hans. The monkey in the wrench. The pain in the ass.

Hans: The following people are to be released from their captors: In Northern Ireland, the seven members of the New Provo Front. In Canada, the five imprisoned leaders of Liberte de Quebec. In Sri Lanka, the nine members of the Asian Dawn movement...

John McClane: [listening on the radio] What the fuck?

Karl: [mouthing silently] Asian Dawn?

Hans: [covers the radio] I read about them in Time magazine.

Karl: [holding a gun to McClane's head, takes his radio] We are both professionals. This is personal.

[smashes the radio]

Hans Gruber: If you'd listened to me, he would be neutralised already.

Karl: I don't want neutral. I want dead.

Karl: No one kills him but me!

Castor Troy: [Pinning Karl against the car] Say you're sorry.

Karl: I'm Sorry!

Castor Troy: I didn't hear it.

Karl: [Louder] I'm Sorry!

Castor Troy: Mean it.

Karl: I'm So Sorry!

Poker Guy #1: [speaking about Gus] That guy damaged more kids than anybody I knew. He made my life hell growing up.

Karl: You're twice his size, you could crush that little puke!

Poker Guy #1: He didn't do the physical warfare! He played the psychological card by attacking your weaknesses. I started losing my hair when I was nine years old. And he jumped all over it with the mean nicknames! Eight ball. Bowling ball. Kojak. Mr. Clean. Cream of Wheat guy. Scatman Crothers. The black Uncle Fester!

Poker Guy #2 A.K.A. O'Malley: How about the black, bodybuilding Charlie Brown?

Poker Guy #1: He used that too!

[starts crying]

Karl: [disgusted, upon seeing McClane's torn and bloodied clothing] Are you all right?

John McClane: Yeah, it's laundry day.

Karl: I... I have always had an abnormal fear of rats. That's why I couldn't stand up to that... rat thing.

[Wanda walks into the Third Street Drawbridge operator's office]

Wanda: Hi there.

Bridge Operator: Hello, young lady. What can I do for you?

Wanda: [smiles] Raise the bridge.

Bridge Operator: [incredulously] Raise the bridge?

[pause]

Bridge Operator: Are you kidding?

[Wanda draws her gun]

Wanda: When I tell you to.

[cuts to Maxwell's van following the Mayor's car along Third Street towards the bridge]

The Mayor: Wish we could've stayed. Think the Giants are finally gonna win one.

Mayor's Aide: I don't know, Mr. Mayor. Looks like it's gonna end up as a no-hitter.

[checks his watch]

Mayor's Aide: Besides, you do have the testimonial this evening.

The Mayor: Oh, god, testimonials. They never end, do they?

[cuts to Maxwell's van]

Bobby Maxwell: Lalo, hand me the taser gun.

Lalo: Karl?

[Karl pulls a taser gun out of its box]

Karl: Man, this looks like something from a James Bond movie. You sure it will work?

Lalo: Karl, there's 25,000 volts in this thing. Even the fat boys are gonna do what we want once we hook it up to them.

[hands his taser gun to Maxwell; meanwhile, Wanda - still holding the bridge operator at gunpoint, sees the Mayor's car and Maxwell's van approaching]

Bobby Maxwell: Okay, Tex.

[Tex moves the van into the left lane, speeds up, and passes the Mayor's car; Wanda observes them]

Wanda: Raise it.

[the operator presses a button; the warning bells go off and the gates begin to lower. Maxwell's van stops at the street corner adjacent to the operator's office. As soon as the gates have lowered, the operator moves a lever, and the bridge begins to rise; the Mayor's car stops at the intersection. Maxwell and his men get out]

The Mayor: [spots them] Wait a minute. What the hell? Okay, get me out of this!

[the driver immediately floors it and turns right onto the side street; and Maxwell's men open fire, blowing out the tires]

Lalo: [shoves Tex's gun aside] Save the mayor, goddamnit!

[the mayor's car stops within a few feet of a semi-truck blocking the road. Maxwell fires off a LAWS rocket that hits the truck's engine, causing it to explode. The mayor's driver gets out, only to get gunned down by a hail of bullets. The PRSF members then open the passenger's doors and shoot the mayor's aide in the head]

The Mayor: Who the hell are you? What do you want?

Bobby Maxwell: You.

The Mayor: Get away from me, you son of a bitch. I'm not going anywhere with you.

Bobby Maxwell: The hell you aren't!

[shoots him in the chest with the taser gun; Maxwell, Lalo, Tex, and Karl take the mayor by his arms, and lead him across an industrial lot to a waiting motorboat. As the boat speeds off into the bay, Wanda sticks a star on the bridge operator's dead body]

Karl: Salsa y ketchup, you tell me and I'll fetch up, K A R L S Disco Wiener Haven, salsa y ketchup, salsa y ketchup

Karl: The world, my friends, is divided into two categories: there are those who take... and those who *give* to those who take.

Karl: I'd offer you a drink, but that would be completely out of character.

Karl: Eric is a special case. He excels at taking things... he just can't seem to hold on to them.

Bob: Hey boss, can I ask you, uh... can I ask you a dumb question?

Karl: [Condescendingly] Yeees... Let's not break with tradition.

Karl: I don't want to eat you. I just get so hungry. I'm just too big.

Young Ed Bloom: Has it ever occurred to you that maybe you're not too big? That maybe this place is just too small?

Amos Calloway: Tell me, Karl, have you ever heard the term "involuntary servitude"?

Karl: No.

Amos Calloway: "Unconscionable contract"?

Karl: Uh, nope.

Amos Calloway: Great!

Karl: Friend, what happened to your shoes?

Young Ed Bloom: [Looking down at his feet] They kinda got ahead of me.

Sten: We like fishing.

Karl: Fishing, hehe.

Sten: And in the winter we like skiing.

Christo: Yeah!

Sten: Of course, in Thailand there is no skiing.

Karl: In these heroic times, have you acquired some title or some kind of rank?

Kurt Gerstein: Lieutenant of the Waffen-SS.

Karl: Go to the SS Transportation Department. Thanks for your visit.

Karl: Life is full of interruptions and complications.

[Karl has given Sarah a lift home after the Christmas party. They are standing on her doorstep]

Karl: Well, I-I'd better go.

Sarah: Okay.

Karl: Goodnight.

Sarah: Goodnight.

[he gives her a quick peck on the cheek, then they begin to kiss passionately]

Karl: Actually, I don't *have* to go.

Sarah: Right. Good.

Karl: I mean...

Sarah: No-no that's good. Just, um, would you excuse me for one second? Just...

Karl: Sure.

[she moves round the corner, out of sight of Karl, dances a little jig for joy, then returns]

Sarah: Um, okay, that's done. Um, why don't you come upstairs in about ten seconds.

Darko: [Angry at Karl for misspelling his name] My name is Darko. Darko.

[Brings out a pen]

Darko: And maybe if I put this pen right into your asshole, then write my name inside, you will remember?

Darko: [Luc chuckles nervously] Something is funny?

Luc: [Looks at everyone, very nervously] Yeah. What you just said with the pen-in-the-asshole thing. I mean you can't actually write inside someone's asshole.

Karl: It wouldn't actually help me remember.

Luc: How can you read inside your own asshole?

Karl: You wouldn't be able to read it.

Mr. Stack: Come in!

Karl: Uh, hello, Mr. Stack, Mr. Conrad, Mr. Archibald

Mr. Conrad: What do you want, douche bag?

Karl: May I... you know... how do you... how do you do this? I don't know... Ah - oh!... All right there we go. Hmm, um... I just couldn't help but hear your conversation yesterday about Marshall Hogan and how he, you know, did stuff with your wife.

Mr. Conrad: [grabs Karl and strangles him] What did you say about my wife?

Karl: You don't understand!

Mr. Conrad: I will rip your dick off and shove it up your ass! You hear me, you scrawny little bastard?

Karl: No, i'm on your side.

Mr. Stack: Let's hear what the butt-licker has to say.

Mr. Conrad: Speak Karl!

Karl: Okay, Well... I saw him this morning, so I couldn't help but notice that he had... he was driving this 91 convertible Camaro that was red, and so I said "Hey, nice car." and he said "Hell... um... thank you, Yeah it's brand new, I just got it today." So on impulse, I took out my work pen which I brought back and I wrote down his license plate number while he was driving away, because you said that if he owned a car, you would, oh darn, what was it?. What, what did you say? I ca... I can't remember!

Mr. Conrad: I said I'd put a bomb in it and blow him up beyond dental records.

Karl: A word to the wise from an old man before you go. Remember only this: the measure of a man is what's left when fame falls away... oh, and another thing: get as much sex as you can!

Karl: Together, we were pure gold!

Geschäftsmann: [first words of the movie] Ladies and Gentlemen, we're now getting to the long awaited presentation of the "Archer", awarded each year for the most successful product. May I ask up to the stage: Karl Bornwald!

[Applause]

Karl: Thanks a lot.

Karl: I don't understand. I'm supposed to transfer cars for one day?

Naumann: Yes. Maybe you should do that for one day.

Hans: Does one have to sing here?

Karl: Whatever you do, don't sing. Tell him you're talking to God every night before you go to sleep.

Hans: Do you know why such a giant big piece of metal and plastic and, what have you, teapots, seats, stewardesses and so on, can fly at all?

Karl: [indicates] No

Hans: Because the travel distance of the air above the wing is longer than underneath.

Karl: I've been studying theology once.

Hans: [chuckling] So you're not allowed to sleep with women.

Karl: What?

Hans: Not even touch them, right? Not even pat a little, or grab a bit. Nothing, right?

Karl: No.

Hans: No. Not at all, right?

Karl: Yes yes yes. I only studied it, right? I'm allowed everything.

Hans: Are you happy?

Karl: I don't know.

Hans: Who's waiting for you at home, your girl-friend?

Karl: Nobody.

Hans: So, Nobody's her name!

Karl: The girls are waiting for the bus.

Hans: Right! These aren't just girls. They're girls Waiting For The Bus!

Hans: [waving] Hoohoo!

Theo: [reading a number plate] DA-D 9779.

Karl: That's a palindromic number.

Theo: A what?

Karl: Like Anna or Otto. You can read it forwards and backwards. Like "Reliefpfeiler".

Hans: Stelle just arrived from London. I thought, maybe we could go drink a cup of coffee.

Karl: I'd like to. Hans, would you lend me your clothes, as long as you're wearing mine?

Karl: [to Stelle in her stewardess outfit] Can I try on your uniform, too?

Karl: Are we friends?

Karl: Do you think it's "hot" or "top", if I'm kissing your girl-friend?

Hans: You're crazy about her! But, admit it, you're also a wee bit crazy about me, aren't you?

Karl: You're funny, Hans. But you don't see the world as it really is.

Karl: [last words of the movie] Hey! Burrico!

[Szell begins to torture Babe by using a dental probe and a mouth mirror to check for cavities]

Babe: [the probe hits a cavity] Ow.

Christian Szell: That hurt?

Babe: Uh-huh.

Christian Szell: I know. I should think it would. You should take better care of your teeth. You have a...

[hits the cavity again]

Christian Szell: quite a cavity here. Is it safe?

Babe: Look, I told you I can't...

[Szell stabs the probe into the nerve; screaming in pain]

Babe: AAH-HA! AAH! Aah!

[Babe's painful screams and moans continues]

Karl: You thinks he knows?

Erhard: Of course he knows! He's being very stubborn.

Babe: [Moaning in pain] Ohh, wait. Please. Please, don't. No. No.

Christian Szell: It's okay.

Babe: Huh?

[Szell then opens a small bottle of oil of cloves, in which he applies it in Babe's badly aggravated cavity to kill the pain]

Christian Szell: Isn't that remarkable? Simple oil of cloves, and how amazing the results. Life can be that simple:

[holds up the oil]

Christian Szell: Relief...

[and the probe tool]

Christian Szell: Discomfort. Now which of these I next apply? That decision is in your hands. So... take your time... and tell me... is it safe?

Babe: Please, stop. Please, stop. Please.

Karl: [reading a tombstone] Died 1899. Madelina Ernestine, beloved daughter of...

Doctor Pretorius: Oh, never mind that! How old was she?

Karl: Age 19 years 3 months.

Doctor Pretorius: Oh, that's the one!

Karl: [looking at the female skeleton exhumed to create the Bride] Pretty little thing, in her way, wasn't she?

Doctor Pretorius: I hope her bones are firm.

Karl: The kites! The kites! Get 'em ready! Ludwig! He wants the kites!

Doctor Pretorius: Look. The storm is coming up over the mountains. It will be here soon!

Henry Frankenstein: The kites! Are the kites ready?

Karl: Yes!

Henry Frankenstein: Then send them up as soon as the wind rises. Hurry! Hurry!

Karl: Whataya say, pal, let's give ourselves up and let 'em hang us. This is no life for murderers.

Karl: I like them French fried potaters.

Karl: I don't reckon you have to go with women to be a good daddy to a boy. You been real square-dealin' with me. The Bible says two men ought not lay together. But I don't reckon the Good Lord would send anybody like you to Hades. That Frank, he lives inside of his own heart. That's an awful big place to live in. You take good care of that boy.

[walks off]

Vaughan Cunningham: I will. Karl?

Vaughan Cunningham: You always seem to be deep in thought. Tell me, what are you thinking right now?

Karl: I was thinkin', I'm gonna take me some of these taters home with me.

Vaughan Cunningham: How about before that?

Karl: Well, let me think... I was thinkin' I could use me another couple cans'o that potted meat if ya got any extree.

Doyle: What'cha doin' with that lawn mower blade Karl?

Karl: I aim to kill you with it.

Marsha Dwiggins: Will you ever kill anyone again, Karl?

Karl: I don't reckon I got no reason to kill nobody. Mmm.

Karl: Just 'cause I ain't gonna be around no more, maybe, don't mean that I don't care for you.

Frank: I care 'bout you too, but you'll be around. Don't say that.

Karl: Doesn't matter where I was to be. We'll always be friends. You and me made friends right off the bat. Don't nobody ever change that. I kindly want to put my arm around you, then I'm gonna get up out of here and leave.

[Puts his arm around Frank]

Karl: I love you, boy.

Karl: There were these two fellars standin' on a bridge, a-goin' to the bathroom. One fellar said, "The water's cold" and the other fellar said, "The water's deep". I believe one fella come from Arkansas. Get it?

Karl's Father: I told you I ain't got no boy, now why don't you get on outta here and let me be. You ain't no kin to me.

Karl: [after a pause] I learned to read some. I read the Bible quite a bit. I can't understand all of it, but I reckon I understand a good deal of it. Them stories you and Mama told me ain't in there. You ought not done that to your boy. I studied on killing you. Studied on it quite a bit. But I reckon there ain't no need for it if all you're gonna do is sit there in that chair. You'll be dead soon enough and the world 'll be shut of ya. You ought not killed my little brother, he should've had a chance to grow up. He woulda had fun some time.

[Exits]

Karl: I reckon what yousa wantin' to know is why I'm in here. Reckon the reason I'm in here is cause I've killed somebody, mhm. But I reckon what yousa wantin' to know is how come mea killed somebody, so I'll start at the front and tell ye, mhm... I lived out back of my mother and father's place mosta my life in a little old shed that my daddy had built fur me, mhm. They didn't too much want me up there in the house with the rest of 'em, mhm. So mustley I just sat around out there in the shed and looked at the ground, mhm. I didn't have no floor out there, but I had me a hole dug out to lay down in. Quilt or two tu put down there, mhm. My father was a hard workin' man most of his life. Not that I can say the same for myself. I mostly just sat around out there in the shed, tinkerin' with a lawn mower or two. Went to school off and on from time to time, but the children out there, very cruel to me, made quite a bit a sport of me, make fun of me quite a bit. So mostly, I just sat around out there. In the shed. My daddy worked down there at the saw mill, the plainer mill, for an old man named Dixon. Old man Dixon was very cruel feller. Didn't treat his employees very well, didn't pay 'em too much a wage, didn't pay my daddy too much a wage. Just barely enough to get by on, I reckon, mhm. But I reckon he got by alright. Hmm. I used to come out, one or the other of 'em. Usually my mother, feed me pretty regular, mhm. I know he made enough where I could have mustard and biscuits three or four times a week. Mhm. But old man Dixon, he had a boy. His name was Jesse Dixon. Jesse was really more cruel than his daddy was. He used to make quite a bit a sport with me, when i was down there at the school house. he used to take advantage of little girls there in the neighborhood an' all. He used to say that my mother was a very pretty woman. He said that quite a bit from time to time when I'd be down there at the school house. Well... I reckon you want me tu get on with it and tell you what happened, so I reckon I'll tell ye. I was sittin' out there in the shed one evening, not doin' too much of nothin', just starrin' at the wall, waitin' on my mother to come out and give me my Bible lesson. Mhm. Well, I heard a commotion up there in the house. Mhm. So I run up on the screened-in porch to see what was a-goin' on. I looked in the window there and saw my mother layin' on the floor without any clothes on, hmm. Mhm-hmm. I seen Jesse Dixon layin' on top of her, hmm. He was havin' his way with her. Hmm. Well, I just seen red. I picked up a Kaiser Blade that was sittin' there by the screen door. Some folks call it a Sling Blade, I call it a Kaiser Blade. It's kindly a wood handle, kind of like an axe handle. With a long blade on it shaped kinda like a bananer. Mhm. Sharp on one edge, and dull on the other. Mhm. It's what the highway boys use to cut down weeds and whatnot. Well, I went in there, in the house, and I hit Jesse Dixon upside the head with it, knocked him off my mother, mhm. I reckon that didn't quite satisfy me. So I hit him again with it in the neck, the sharp edge, and just plumb near cut his head off, killed him. My mother she jumped up and started hollerin' "What'd you kill Jesse fur? What'd you kill Jesse fur?" Well... come to find out I don't think my mother minded what Jesse was a-doin' to her. I reckon that made me madder that what Jesse'd made me. So I take the Kaiser Blade, some folks call it a Sling Blade, I call it a Kaiser Blade, and I hit my mother upside the head with it. Killed her.

Frank: Ever think of killing yourself on purpose like my daddy done?

Karl: I studied about it. The Bible says you ought not to. It says if you do that, you go off to Hades. Some folks call it Hell, I call it Hades.

Karl: Reckon you make me some biscuits.

Karl: [on the phone] Yes, ma'am. I've killed Doyle Hargraves with a lawnmower blade. Yes, ma'am, I'm right sure of it. I hit him two good whacks in the head with it. That second one just plum near cut his head in two... It's a lil' ol' white house on the corner of Vine Street and some other street. There's a pick-up truck out front that says "Doyle Hargraves Construction" on it. Doyle said besides sending the police, you might wanna send an ambulance or a "hearst". I'll be sitting here, waiting on ye.

Frank: I'd like to kill that son-of-a-bitch. I hate him.

Karl: You ought not talk that way. You just a boy.

Vaughan Cunningham: I'm just going to say it. I'm gay. Does that surprise you that I'm gay? You know what gay is, don't you?

Karl: I don't reckon.

Vaughan Cunningham: [quietly] Homosexual. I like men sexually.

Karl: Not funny 'ha-ha', funny queer.

Vaughan Cunningham: Well that's a very offensive way to put it. You shouldn't say that. You were taught that, weren't you?

Karl: I've heard it said that a-way.

Doyle: Was you in the nut house for hackin' somebody up with a hatchet?

Karl: I never used no hatchet that I remember. Mmm.

Doyle: So you're just crazy in a retard kind of way, huh? Wouldn't matter to me if you did do violence on someone. I ain't scared of shit. You're just a humped-over retard, seems to me. I'm just kiddin'. Welcome to our humble home, Buddy.

Bill Cox: [lawnmower won't start] Karl, see if you can figure out what's wrong with this. It won't crank up and everything seems to be put together right.

Karl: It ain't got no gas in it.

Karl: I don't think anything bad ought to happen to children. I think the bad stuff should be saved up for the people whose grown up. That's the way I see it.

Frank: Hey Karl, what are you carryin' around them books for?

Karl: I ain't got no place to set 'em down.

Karl: I reckon I'm gonna have to get used to looking at pretty people.

Dr. Jerry Woolridge: Yes you will.

Karl: 'Reckon I'm gonna have to get used to them looking at me.

Linda Wheatley: I'm gonna make some coffee. Karl, you want some coffee?

Karl: Coffee makes me nervous when I drink it. Mmm.

Charles Bushman: Now... On the third day, I washed her. She wasn't too clean. I got all the right spots. She's the only one I kept for a certain amount of time, because I got a real short attention span. Now, I can't say she enjoyed her stay, but that washcloth I put in her mouth and held it there with a big piece of duct tape kept all her complaining to a min... I don't like people who talk all the time. I like to do all the talking, which is why I think I'm so fond of you, 'cause you're so easy-going. Although I do sense a little tension in you from time to time. So, you were out in the world, huh? What was it like?

Karl: It was too big.

Charles Bushman: Not too big in here, is it?

[Chuckles]

Doyle: [Karl enters the bedroom, startling Doyle and Linda] Hey! What the God damn hell you doing, Karl? 'The fuck you doing up in the middle of the night?

Linda: What you want, Hon?

Karl: I wanna be baptized.

Doyle: Well get baptized then, I don't give a shit. Call up a fuckin' preacher, Goddammit, we can't baptize ya.

[Karl has entered the bedroom carrying a hammer]

Doyle: What in the hell you doin' with that hammer?

Karl: I don't rightly know. I just kinda woke up a-holding it.

[exits]

Doyle: [to Linda] What the fuck you think he's doin' with that hammer?

Doyle: Believe in the Bible, do ya Karl?

Karl: I don't understand all of it, but I reckon I understand a good deal of it.

Doyle: Well I can't understand none of it. This one begat that one and that one begat this one, and lo and behold someone says some shit to someone else - just how retarded are you?

Karl: There was a boy. We made friends.

Charles Bushman: Ha ha, I'll bet you did. 'Course I was never bent that way, I was always bent the other way.

Frank: Mama's got a boyfriend now. His name is Doyle Hargraves. He works construction so he makes a pretty good living, but he don't help Mama out with any money though. He ain't no good. He's mean to her. He don't like me at all. Mama says it's 'cause he's jealous that I belong to my Daddy instead of him. He spends the night at our house sometimes and he's got his own house, somebody told me it's where he can have more girlfriends. I like it on the nights he ain't at our house. I ain't so nervous then.

Karl: How come her still being girlfriends and all with him if he's mean to her?

Frank: She says it's for the times he's good to her. She's lonely since Daddy died, sometimes she says she don't know why. He threatened to kill her if she ever left him. My daddy would kill him if he were still here and somebody was mean to Mama. Vaughan, he's real good to Mama. Vaughan that you met. But he's not able to do anything to Doyle. He's funny, you know. Not funny "Ha-Ha", funny queer. He likes to go with men instead of women. That makes him not able to fight too good. He sure is nice, though. He's from St. Louis, people who are queer get along better in a big town. I wish he liked to go with women, I'd rather he be Mama's boyfriend than Doyle.

Karl: [Eating potted meat] I reckon it tastes alright.

Frank: You really think it's got peckers in there?

Karl: You know better than that. You ought not say that word.

Frank: It smells funny.

Karl: Yeah, it's pretty loud. Looky there. I believe you right. I believe I see one right in there.

[They laugh]

Melinda: Hi, Karl, I'm on my lunch break. I got you these flowers that were on sale, cause they're not fresh. $2.99, plus by 10% employee discount, since I didn't bring you anything on our date last night. Well, I just thought I'd bring them to you. I enjoyed walking with you. I got a blister the size of a quarter on my heel. Well, see you some time I guess.

[Turns to leave]

Karl: Blisters sure can hurt.

Charles Bushman: Karl, who'd you kill? Was it the boy?

Karl: Don't you say another word about that boy. Fact'o business, don't you say another word to me. I ain't listening to you no more.

Doyle: What's in the bag?

Karl: This'n that. Tooth paste and whatnot.

Doyle: What's all them books?

Karl: Different ones. One of 'em is the Bible.

Karl: I'm your boy.

Karl's Father: I ain't got no boy.

Karl: I'm your oldest boy. Name of Karl.

Karl's Father: I ain't got no boy.

Karl: They turned me loose from the nervous hospital. 'Said I was well. I got hired on by a Mr. Bill Cox fixing lawnmowers and whatnot. That grass out there in the yard has grown up quite a bit. I reckon I might cut it for you.

Bill Cox: How are you coming along with that garden tiller?

Karl: I fixed it. It's workin' pretty good now.

Bill Cox: You done fixed it? Well I'll be damned. Scooter told me it couldn't be fixed. 'Course Scooter is about as shiftless as one poor son of a bitch can be. You done fixed it. I'll just be damned.

Karl: Some folks call it a sling blade, I call it a Kaiser blade.

Vaughan: Have you knocked on the door yet?

Karl: No, Sir, not yet.

Vaughan: How long have you been standing here?

Karl: Quite a spell, I reckon.

Karl: Reckon what you like to eat in there?

Frosty Cream Employee: Well, the French fries are pretty good.

Karl: French fried potaters?

Frosty Cream Employee: Yeah, French fries.

Karl: How much you want for'em?

Frosty Cream Employee: They're .60 for medium and .75 for large.

Karl: 'Reckon I'll have me some of the big 'uns.

Frosty Cream Employee: All right, then, one large French fries?

[Karl is silent; Frosty Cream Employee walks to the back never taking his eyes off Karl]

Mrs. Woolridge: Karl, I hear Jerry's taking you somewhere else tomorrow.

Karl: I don't reckon I know nobody named Jerry.

Dr. Jerry Woolridge: She's talking about me, Karl, that's my first name.

Karl: He's carrying me to look for work over in Millsburg where I's borned.

Vaughan Cunningham: Listen, everyone, I've had a few glasses of wine and that tends to make me emotional. It came over me in a rush. I just want you to know that I care about each and every person at this table.

Linda: Thank you, Vaughan. We care about you too, don't we?

Melinda, Frank, Albert: Yes.

Karl: Yes, Sir.

Linda Wheatley: Karl, you know what? Melinda here was voted employee of the month at the dollar store last February. Isn't that something?

Karl: Yes ma'am, I reckon.

Melinda: Well, when you like pricing items as much as I do, it's just bound to happen sooner or later, I guess.

Burke Dennings: Tell me, was it public relations you did for the Gestapo or community relations?

Karl: I'm Swiss!

Burke Dennings: Oh, of course. And you never went bowling with Goebbels before either, I suppose? Nazi bastard.

Chris MacNeil: We've got rats in the attic. You better get some traps.

Karl: Rats?

Chris MacNeil: Mm-hmm. 'Fraid so.

Karl: But the attic is clean.

Chris MacNeil: All right, then we've got clean rats.

Karl: It wants no straps.

Karl: [to Yasmine] Farewell!

[first lines]

Karl: There is no chance. No destiny. No fate. There's only what you take from the world. And what the world takes from you.

Tommy: Could be a silent alarm.

Karl: We're not in a bank!

Karl: [to victim] I'm going to have to get something on these cuts.

Claudia: You killed him.

Karl: Finally, some privacy.

Tommy: [angry, frustrated] I got somewhere to be, okay?

Karl: [sarcastically] I don't. I was actually hoping something like this would happen. God, my life is empty.

Karl: [to Tommy] The only thing I know is that if we don't get out of here soon, I'm gonna cut your throat and rape the shit out of this cunt.

Anton: [singing] Sweet Christina, don't you cry; It won't be long, before you die; Then from the heavens, a star will fall; For the ugliest angel of them all.

Anton, Karl, Johann: For the ugliest angel of them all!

Sheila, the White Ghost: But there's something more! There's something else out there! Something I don't understand. It scared me nearly to death.

Karl: And if you don't stop screamin' out there you'll have us all in the soup.

Sheila, the White Ghost: I tell you I was frightened.

Karl: Of what?

Sheila, the White Ghost: That's what I'm trying to tell you. There's something ELSE out there. I noticed it several times tonight and... suddenly I - I saw it up close.

Karl: Saw what?

Sheila, the White Ghost: I - I... I think ghosts.

Karl: Sheila, you're a fool. I'm the one that creates ghosts around here. Me, me, nobody else. Don't tell me my pitch is having its effect on you too.

Leader of the Dead: Good evening, Dr. Acula. We have been expecting you.

Karl: Who are you?

Leader of the Dead: You ask who we are, yet it was you who called for our return.

Karl: This is impossible! I hired actors to play the dead. You're not my actors!

Leader of the Dead: Your powers were even stronger than you yourself realized. You have brought us back from the grave. Once every 13 years, when called by a strong medium such as you, we are given a brief 12 hours of freedom from our deep pit of darkness. Those few hours are almost gone. We must return to the grave. You will accompany us there.

Karl: What is the meaning of this intrusion on our privacy?

Lt. Daniel Bradford: There are others in this house?

Karl: Many, the living and those gone beyond. The dead. But I can't see where that's any of your affair.

Lt. Daniel Bradford: The living and the dead. Why, yes. Yes.

Karl: Ten thousand bucks! Barnum sure was right.

Karl: We practically pulled every trick out of the bag. Maybe we should just kill her and be done with her.

Dr. Ernst Prell: No Karl, no. The code of the vulterie demands no body bruises. No, she must be frightened to death.

Karl: I have an idea...

Keith Henshaw: [pointing shoutgun at Prell and Karl from a nearby doorway] I don't think so, put your hands up.

Dr. Ernst Prell: Really, Keith. I thought you were asleep.

Keith Henshaw: I mean what I said, put your hands up!

Dr. Ernst Prell: Well be reasonable.

Keith Henshaw: PUT 'EM UP!

[Keith pumps shotgun and fires a shot at the two men. Both Prell and Karl are unharmed and look amused as Keith pumps the shotgun once more]

Keith Henshaw: .

Karl: Try me.

[Keith fires another shot, as Karl smiles]

Karl: .

Dr. Ernst Prell: Be reasonable Keith. The shells in that rifle are as inefectual as the ones on Tom's rifle.

[Keith is hit in the head from behind by Laughing crow and knocked out]

Dr. Ernst Prell: . Ha-ha-ha.

Laughing Crow: [grunting laughter] .

Karl: Is something wrong, Tom?

Tom: Nothing a good stomach pump wouldn't cure.

Karl: Unfortunately, the tribe doesn't believe in yetis, and after severely beating him and cutting his tongue muscle out, they cast him out of the tribe.

Karl: [Roy is faking unconsciousness] Look, he doesn't even move.

Hugh: Must be in a comma.

Tim: Comma! Looks more like a full stop.

Karl: [about Vic's choice of the band's name] Sure! I dig it. We're too much! We're Toomorrow!

Karl: I killed a fella back in Texas. A big damn fella too.

Barbarosa: Well, old Sam Colt makes everybody just about the same size.

Karl: I didn't shoot him. I hit him with a tree limb.

Barbarosa: Drop those saddlebags and help me up, dammit!

[Karl drops the bags over the cliff]

Barbarosa: Why'd you drop them down there?

Karl: Well, you said to drop them and help you!

Barbarosa: We already been down there!

[Rain starts to fall]

Barbarosa: Why don't you go ahead and just rain on me then?

Karl: Are you all right?

Barbarosa: No, I ain't all right! Do I look all right?

Karl: Well, you look better than you did when you was at the bottom of that grave.

Karl: My name is Karl Albert Westover...

Barbarosa: You been shit outtta luck ever since you was born, ain't you, boy?

Barbarosa: Bet you didn't get me no damn armadillo for me did you by God?

Karl: [pulls out dead armadillo and throws in on the ground] Supose you want me to cook the son-of-a-bitch for you too?

Barbarosa: I don't steal from my own people.

Karl: Well it don't bother you to slit their throats on your weddin' night, does it?

Roy Rogers: [singing about Mr. Moreland] Living in the open ought to do him lots of good, for...

Roy and Pioneers: [singing] He should be a Vaquero!

Lloyd: He never gets out!

Tim: He's lame, no doubt!

Karl: He's got the gout!

Hugh: He's much too stout.

Roy Rogers: [singing] What do you think we ought to do?

Roy and Pioneers: [singing] Why, he should be a Vaquero!