Max Quotes in Armageddon (1998)


Max Quotes:

  • Harry Stamper: None of you have to go. We can all just sit here on Earth, wait for this big rock to crash into it, kill everything and everybody we know. United States government just asked us to save the world. Anybody wanna say no?

    Chick: 20 years. Haven't turned you down once. Not about to start now. I'm there.

    Freddy Noonan: Guess I can't let you go up there alone.

    Bear: I'm with you.

    Oscar: Man, this is - this is historic. Guys, this is, like, deep blue hero stuff! Of course I'm in.

    Rockhound: While I don't share *his* enthusiasm, you know me. Beam me up, Scotty!

    Harry Stamper: You all right, Max?

    Max: I-I don't, I-I don't... Whatever you think.

    Harry Stamper: [to A.J] How about you?

    A.J.: I'm in.

    Harry Stamper: All right then. We go.

    Rockhound: I don't mean to be the materialistic weasel of this group, but do you think we'll get hazard pay out of this?

  • Max: Something's wrong.

    Rockhound: Yeah, it's all wrong, man. We shouldn't even be up here.

  • Max: [shouting into the microphone] A home run! The Cubs win the World Series! Ah!

  • Max: Who's that for? Mr. Ed? You stick that thing in me, I'm gonna stab you in the heart with it. You ever see Pulp Fiction?

  • Harry Stamper: Come on, God, just a little help. It's all I'm asking.

    Max: I think we're close enough, He might have heard ya.

  • Max: God, it sucks up here.

  • Chick: Freddy, you all right?

    Freddy Noonan: [Hunching over] Does this look okay to you? Does this look okay?

    Max: [jogging] It's not too bad. It's kinda tingly.

  • Max: My favorite dish is haggis. Heart, lungs, liver. You shove that all in a sheep's stomach, than you boil it. That'll put some hair on your ass!

  • Biker Customer: [Seeing Rockhound and the rest of the gang with all of the women] Who the hell do you think you guys are? You're hoggin' all the action.

    Freddy Noonan: Hey pinhead, why don't you go find your own party.

    Biker Customer: Why don't you share the wealth, pal.

    Rockhound: [Tosses the biker a 100 dollar bill] Here, you can buy yourself a neck.

    Max: Hey, Mr. Clean.

    [the Biker grabs Rockhound by the shirt and Max hits the biker over the head with a glass bottle and a fight ensues]

  • Android Police Officer: [Referring to Max's backpack] What's in the bag?

    Max: [Max's head is shaved bald] Hair products, mostly.

  • Matilda: There once was a meerkat who lived in the jungle. He was hungry, but he was small. So small. And the other big animals had all the food, because they could reach the fruits. So he made friends with a hippopotamus to...

    Max: [interrupting her] Okay, stop. It doesn't end well for the meerkat.

    Matilda: Yes it does, because he can stand on the hippopotamus's back to get all the fruits he wants.

    Max: What's in it for the hippo?

    Matilda: [precociously] The hippo wants a friend.

  • Max: Frey.

    Frey: Max? Max, where are you?

    Max: I'm gonna have to break my promise. I can't make it back up there. You remember what I said when we were kids?

    Frey: Yes.

    Young Max: [Flash back] I'll take us there one day.

    Young Frey: Really?

    Young Max: Yeah, I promise.

    Max: You wouldn't believe what I'm looking at now. Tell Matilda I really liked her story. And I... I figured out why the hippo did it.

    [presses the key]

  • Max: The only thing I can do to help you is leave, I promise you.

  • Armadyne Worker: Check it out, man. I think he likes you.

    Max: Think he got his face peel today? He looks good.

  • Max: What happened?

    Android Medic: You have been exposed to a lethal dose of radiation. You will experience catastrophic organ failure. In five days' time, you will die.

  • Max: He ruined my Dream Journal!

    Linus: I did not! Mr. Electric, send him to the principal's office and HAVE HIM EXPELLED!

  • [train of thought is out of control]

    Lavagirl: [panicky] What do we do?

    Sharkboy: [calmly] Yell? Scream?

    LavagirlSharkboyMax: [screaming]

  • [last lines]

    Max: So dream a better dream; then work to make it real.

    Tobor: Yes?

  • Lavagirl: When you dreamt up these giant cookies, who did you expect to be able to eat them?

    Max: I really didn't think about it.

    Lavagirl: 'Cause if you dream giant cookies, something has to be created to *consume* giant cookies.

    [cookie giants appear from behind mountains]

    Sharkboy: Cookie giants!

  • [the Kid is handcuffed to a car that's about to explode]

    Max: The chain in those handcuffs is high-tensile steel. It'd take you ten minutes to hack through it with this. Now, if you're lucky, you could hack through your ankle in five minutes. Go.

    [the hacksaw is dropped next to The Kid, and Max limps off]

  • Fifi: They say people don't believe in heroes anymore. Well damn them! You and me, Max, we're gonna give them back their heroes!

    Max: Ah, Fif. Do you really expect me to go for that crap?

    Fifi: You gotta admit I sounded good there for a minute, huh?

  • Max: I'm scared, Fif. You know why? It's that rat circus out there. I'm beginning to enjoy it.

    Fifi: What is this, bonny week?

    Max: Look. Any longer out on that road and I'm one of them, you know? A terminal crazy... only I got a bronze badge to say I'm one of the good guys.

  • Goose: [via radio] Max.

    Max: [via radio] Go ahead.

    Goose: We are 100% SNAFU.

    Max: You ok?

    Goose: Nothin' a year in the tropics wouldn't fix.

    Max: Much damage?

    Nightrider: [via radio] You should see the damage, bronze. Huh? metal damage, brain damage. Heheheh. You listen bronze. I am the Nightrider. I'm a fuel injected suicide machine. I am the rocker, I am the roller, I am the out-of-controller! I'm the Nightrider, baby,


    Nightrider: , and we ain't never comin' back!

  • [Max hands Fifi his letter of resignation]

    Fifi: What's this?

    Max: I'm through.

    Fifi: Again?

    Max: No, not again. I'm through. I'm quitting.

    Fifi: Sit down.

    Max: I didn't come here to dicuss it, I came here to say it. I'm through.

    Fifi: Now just a minute! Alright, so the Goose bought it, but that's the way he always came in the world...

    Max: -Off beat!

  • Max: [to old woman] I think we've got some hoon trouble...

  • Max: I just can't get it clear in my head, Jess. He was so full of living, you know? He ran a franchise on it. Now there's nothing. And here I am trying to put sense to it, when I know there isn't any.

  • Ethan Hunt: [tied to a chair inside an apartment own by one of Max's friends] The disk Job sold you is worthless. Bait. Part of an internal mole hunt.

    Max: And how would you know? Are you another company man?

    Max: Like Job?

    Max: We're asking about you

    Ethan Hunt: I'm NOC, Was. Now, disavowed.

    Max: Why, may I ask?

    Ethan Hunt: That's the question I want to ask Job.

  • Eugene Kittridge: Hello, Max.

    Max: My lawyers are going to have a field day with this. Entrapment, jurisdictional conflict...

    Eugene Kittridge: Well, maybe we'll just leave the courts out of this one.

    Max: I'm sure we can find something I have that you need.

  • Max: [Ethan is tied to a chair inside an apartment own by one of Max's friends] Who are you?... and *what* are you doing here?

  • [Ethan Hunt has just discovered that arms-dealer Max is a woman]

    Max: Anonymity... is like a warm blanket.

  • Charlie: Permission to come aboard, skipper?

    Max: Permission granted, little buddy!

  • Max: We are looking at 25 to 30 years here.

    Charlie: But you said there was 5 to 10.

    Max: That was before we shot Dawn's husband.

    Charlie: *You* shot Dawn's husband!

    Max: I only shot him because you tag-teamed his wife!

  • [first lines]

    Charlie: [narrating] Reunions are strange. They bring up a lot of feelings about your past. Were you a jock? A pothead? A Drama Club kid? A loser? Did you get the girl? Or did she ever even notice you? Who did you want to be, and who did you actually become?

    Max: [suddenly putting an arm on his shoulder] Damn, Charlie. You still hung up on that skank?

  • Charlie: How could you have not researched these guys?

    Max: I researched them. Dr. Ron, a very successful doctor, with an impeccable record, who unfortunately got two bullets to the head.

    Charlie: You said he died of natural causes!

    Max: You naturally die if you get two bullets to the head.

  • Becca: [about Heather] Who's this sexy bitch?

    Mrs. Kessler: I'm his mother.

    Max: Not you ma!

  • Max: [watching grind dancers] Man, these two assholes deserve each other.

    Charlie: They actually got divorced. They're still really good friends, though.

    Max: I see that.

    Charlie: They had twins together, but... she got remarried.

    Max: Wow. Imagine if her husband was here right now, watching that alcoholic hose-bag fuckin' dry-humpin' her ex?

    Charlie: He *is* here, actually.

    [holds up his ring finger]

    Max: Oh, hey, congratulations!

  • Max: [to driver of car along side] Hey dude, I'm lost. Can you tell me where the side of the road is?

    [side-swipes him]

  • [last lines]

    Max: You ready for this?

    Charlie: Fuck yes. You only live twice, right?

  • Max: Two days ago, I saw a vehicle that would haul that tanker. You want to get out of here? You talk to me.

  • Max: I'm just here for the gasoline.

  • Max: If it's all the same to you... I'll drive that tanker.

    Pappagallo: The offer is closed. Too late for deals.

    Max: No deals. I want to drive that truck.

  • Max: I got all I need here.

    Papagallo: You don't have a future. I could offer you that.

  • The Gyro Captain: Look, we had a deal. I show you the gas, and you let me go, right?

    Max: The arrangement was I wouldn't kill you.

    The Gyro Captain: After all I've done for you...

    Max: [Max jerks the Captain's face to his own by the collar] I reckon you got a bargain, didn't you?

  • Max: I want to drive that truck.

    Zetta: And how do you plan to do that? Look at yourself. You couldn't drive a wheelchair.

  • The Gyro Captain: [Max loads his shotgun with a shell found on a dead body] How do we know that one's not a dud?

    Max: [Max aims at the Captain's face] Find out.

  • Max: Thor, were you fighting with the Narrator?

    Thor: Well, he started it.

    Narrator: Did not.

    Thor: You did too.

    Narrator: Did not.

    Thor: You did too.

    Narrator: Did not.

    Thor: You did too!

    Max: Thor, stop it.

  • Max: Let's take care of him.

    George: Huh?

    [Max and Thor pick George up and ram head into cage]

    Ape: Why didn't you come sooner?

    George: Why Ape have little stars around head?

    [Max and Thor pull George out, tickles him, and rams head back in]

    Ape: George, remember everything I told you about Queensbury rules and fighting fair?

    George: Uh-huh.

    Ape: Well, now's a good time to forget it.

  • Thor: I'm chafing, Max. I'm chafing big-time.

    Max: Didn't I tell you not to wear twenty pounds of black leather in the jungle? Didn't I tell you? Cotton, I said. Cotton breathes.

  • Lyle: [to Max about George] Could you see if he's dangerous?

    George: [whiny voice] Here, boy. Where's my little doggy?

    Max: I've got a feeling he's not.

  • Max: 50 zamoles a man, what do you say?

    Kwame: They only speak Swahili.

    Swahili Guide: [in English] 100 zamoles a man and you've got a deal.

    Lyle: Wait a second...

    Max: Done.

    [guides laugh]

  • [Max and Thor arrive at the tree house to capture a talking ape]

    Thor: There's five stinking apes out there. Which one are we taking to Vegas?

    Max: The one who's playing chess!

  • [as Thor takes aim at Shep, Ape jumps to the ground]

    Ape: Run, Shep! Run for your life!

    Max: Did that monkey just speak?

    Thor: That monkey just spoke!

  • Ape: I'm hungry!

    Thor: Oh, shut up. You've been yakkin' for two days straight, and I'm gettin' mad enough to...

    Ape: You know, you really should work on your anger. Have you tried Brankowski's "Cage the Rage" technique?

    Max: Don't let him get to you, Thor. He's just an ape.

    Ape: That's a fine way to talk to your meal ticket. You keep that up, it's liable to affect my stage performance.

    Max: Give him a banana, Thor. It won't be long now.

    Thor: That's what you said yesterday! This trail is taking us to the middle of nowhere!

    Max: The sign at the trail head said "Short cut to Ape River." Now, why would it say "short cut" if it wasn't a...

    Max: [pause] Wait a minute. Maybe it's a fake, a decoy trail.

    Ape: Very good, Max. Actually, the trail is a fake. It circles Ape Mountain six times before heading right back to the tree house.

    Thor: [groaning in frustration] Ohh! Oh, I knew we was lost.

    Max: Don't listen to him, Thor. He's just tryin' to trick us, lead us off the short cut so we take twice as long on the regular trail.

    Thor: We're already taking twice as long!

    Max: Are you gonna let a monkey make a monkey out of ya?

    Thor: What?

    Ape: Duh!

    Max: Let's go. If he tells us the short cut leads to the tree house, then that's exactly where it doesn't lead.

  • [reaching the end of a long trail]

    Thor: Max, look! We're back at the tree house!

    Ape: Well, I tried, but you fellas are just too smart for me.

    Max: Oh, no!

    Narrator: "Oh, no" was right! Because even at that moment...

    Thor: [looking up] Hey! Why don't you say something constructive for a change, like what we should do now?

    Narrator: Because I don't like you.

    Thor: Well, I hate you, you snotty son of a...

    Narrator: I'll pretend I didn't hear that.

    [there is a thunderous bang, and both Thor and Max stagger, as though hit]

    Narrator: Having some fun now, huh?

  • [Lyle, Max, Thor, Kwame and his comrades are taking a walk on a trail]

    Lyle: Gosh, this trail is really rough.

    N'Dugo: [in Swahili, subtitled] Drop him! You're not his donkey.

    [Lyle gets off one of Kwame's comrades' back]

    N'Dugo: [in Swahili, subtitled]

    [mocking Lyle]

    N'Dugo: "Ursula! Ursula!" Next cliff we pass, he's history.

    [Kwame's comrades have a conversation in Swahili and start walking without Lyle]

    Lyle: Hey, come back here.

    Max: They're not abandoning us, are they?

    Kwame: They are threatening.

  • [while seeing a footprint, the Swahili guides are speaking to Mr. Kwame in Swahili]

    Lyle: [pushes one of the Swahili guides] Let me through.

    Lyle: [then approaches Mr. Kwame] What's happening?

    Kwame: This footprint does not belong to any of my men.

    Max: [to Thor] See? There's your proof, the white ape does exist. Now all we have to do is track down the girl and the ape's in the bag.

  • Max: [Meredith holding a gun on him] You're shaking now. You're getting angry. You're letting your emotions get the better of the situation. The adrenalin, it's really kickin' in. What I know? The reason that I'm not shaking is because this is a choice not dictated by emotion. This is logic - pure, simple. My boy over there is rated fourth in the world in the Glock 30. You now what that means? What's it mean...

    Derne: It means I could shoot you from Texas.

    Max: Now that's of course exaggeration. But the point still stands, he knows what he's doing. He's a professional. And you're... you. You've already dropped the gun, because this is a choice within a very strict set of parameters. Right now you're in control. What you don't want to do is put him in control. Don't give him the choice. That way is death. That way

    [slowly taking the gun from her]

    Max: is the unconditional end of future choice.

    Max: [she whimpering] That's it. Good girl. Oh, I know, I know. It's always a tough lesson to learn. To realize that you don't have the stomach to do what's needed.

  • Max: [walks in the TV room] Girl, what are you doing?

    Jennifer Caulfield: Watching TV.

    Max: I can see that. Why don't you read a book? You watch too much damn TV.

    Jennifer Caulfield: Research.

    Max: [sarcastically] Oh, right. You're gonna be a TV star.

    Jennifer Caulfield: Wait and see.

    Max: [about to turn off the TV] Well, if Simms catches you up here after lights out she is gonna chew my ass...

    Jennifer Caulfield: [interrupting Max] I gotta stay up, Max!

    Max: Jennifer.

    Jennifer Caulfield: Just tonight, please? I can't handle the nightmare. Not after Phillip. Not tonight.

    Max: Okay. But I never saw you.

    Jennifer Caulfield: Thanks, Max.

  • Max: This lump over here... This is Kincaid. Now I want you to take a good look. See, he gets himself thrown in the quite room so often that you probably won't see a whole lot of him. Ain't that right, "Cool Breeze"?

    Kincaid: Right. I do it so I don't have to look at your ugly face all the time.

    Max: Yeah, I love you too.

  • Max: Say, listen Doc, I got a new theory about all these suicides. Right?

    Dr. Neil Gordon: Don't hold back on us, Max. We need all the help we can get.

    Max: It's fucked up chromosomes, man. Think about it. All their parents dropped acid during the sixties.

    Dr. Neil Gordon: Well, it beats Simm's theory. She thinks it's nothing but sex, drugs, and rock 'n' roll.

    Max: Shit. That's what keeps people alive.

  • Aunty Entity: And what did you do before all this?

    Max: I was a cop, a driver.

    Aunty Entity: But how the world turns. One day, cock of the walk. Next, a feather duster.

  • Aunty Entity: We call it Underworld. That's where Bartertown gets its energy.

    Max: What, oil? Natural gas?

    Aunty Entity: Pigs.

    Max: You mean pigs like those?

    Aunty Entity: That's right.

    Max: Bullshit!

    Aunty Entity: No. Pig shit.

    Max: What?

    The Collector: Pig shit. The lights, the motors, the vehicles, all run by a high-powered gas called methane. And methane cometh from pig shit.

  • Max: I don't know anything about methane.

    Aunty Entity: You can shovel shit can't you?

  • Max: I ain't Captain Walker. I'm the guy who carries Mr. Dead in his pocket.

  • Max: So, what's the plan?

    Pigkiller: [laughing] PLAN? There ain't no plan!

  • Max: [Pig Killer's leg been impaled to the door with a spear]

    [Max grabbing the door]

    Max: Okay, we're going to count to three. One...

    [Max rips open the door, freeing Pig Killer's impaled leg]

    Pigkiller: [whimpering, in pain] What happened to two...?

  • Max: I've got skills, I could trade them.

    The Collector: Sorry, the brothel's full.

  • Max: How long are you in for?

    Pigkiller: The big one. Life.

    Max: For killing a pig?

    Pigkiller: I had to feed the kids. Ah, it doesn't bother me. Down here, life's two, three years.

  • Max: Thunderdome. How do I get in there?

    Aunty Entity: That's easy. Pick a fight!

  • The Collector: Perhaps you've got something to trade after all.

    Max: Keep talkin'

    The Collector: Twenty-four hours of your life, in return, you'll get back what was stolen.

    Max: Sounds like a bargain.

    The Collector: It's not. It's the law.

  • Master: Who you?

    Max: Me Max.

  • Max: [Max recognizes Jedediah] YOU!

    Jedediah the Pilot: Me?

    Max: You, it's your lucky day!

    Jedediah the Pilot: It is?

    Max: Uh huh. You've got a plane.

    Jedediah the Pilot: I have?

    Max: [Outside, a plane is being started] It might just save your life.

    Jedediah the Pilot: It will?

    Max: Uh huh.

  • Max: The first place you'll find is a sleaze-pit called Bartertown. Now if the earth doesn't swallow you up first, that place sure as hell will!

  • Master: Me order! Me Master! Me run Bartertown!

    Max: Sure, that's why you live in shit!

    Master: Not shit! Energy!

    Max: Call it what you like. It still smells like shit to me!

  • Blackfinger: [trying to disarm Max' booby trapped vehicle] I'll disconnect the battery!

    Max: I wouldn't do that.

    Master: Who you?

    Max: Me Max.

    Master: You smart.

    Max: That's my vehicle.

    Master: Disarm!

    Max: How much?

    Master: No trade! Do!

    Max: [turns and walks away]

    Master: [to Blaster] FETCH!

  • Aunty Entity: This is no enemy. It's almost family.

    Max: Oh, I see, real civilized!

    Aunty Entity: The reasons don't concern you, only the conditions. Do you want the deal or not?

    Max: Mmm

    [nods in agreement]

    The Collector: The first is, no one knows you're working for Aunty. You hit him, you go. The second is, it's a fair fight. The third is, it's to the death.

    Max: Who's the bunny?

  • Jedediah the Pilot: We're not gonna make it.

    Max: We haven't got any choice.

    Jedediah the Pilot: between them and us, there isn't enough runway.

    Max: There will be.

  • Pigkiller: [sees that Max has discovered Blaster's weakness] Mr., who are ya?

    Max: No-one

    Pigkiller: What's your name?

    Max: Nobody.

    Pigkiller: No Mr., I can feel it! The dice are rollin'!

  • Max: Who are you?

    Slake: We're the waiting ones.

  • Max: You!

    Jedediah the Pilot: Me?

    Max: You've got a plane!

    Jedediah the Pilot: I have?

    Max: It just might save your life!

    Jedediah the Pilot: It will?

  • Max: You!

    Jedediah the Pilot: Me?

    Max: It's your lucky day!

    Jedediah the Pilot: It is?

    Max: You've got a plane!

    Jedediah the Pilot: I have?

    [plane motor starts outside]

    Max: It just might save your life!

    Jedediah the Pilot: It will?

  • Max: What the hell am I looking at here, Wade?

    Wade: Clay and his unit.

    Max: "Clay and his unit?" That sounds like a porno, Wade.

    Wade: You had them killed four months ago.

    Max: I've done a lot in four months, Wade. I'm a very busy man.

  • Max: It's like giving a handgun to a six-year-old, Wade - you don't know how it's gonna end, but you're pretty sure it's gonna make the papers.

  • Max: I'm saving the country, Wade - doing something for the benefit of the United States of America.

    Wade: I was born in Quebec.

    Max: Okay... then we're saving *North* America.

  • Max: What do you know about deep-space tachyons?

    Wade: Nothing.

    Max: Base-particle string theory?

    Wade: Nothing.

    Max: Singularity events?

    Wade: Not a ton.

    Max: I think we should move on, then.

  • Max: Okay, so five dead men hijacked you, Wade. Did you happen to find out who's behind them?

    Wade: Not the CIA, NSA, Special Ops...

    Max: Yeah, I'm aware it's not us.

  • Vikram: Do you have the money?

    Max: Jesus! Always with the money. "Hi, how are ya? How've you been? Namaste?

    Vikram: I recently attended the funeral of my best friend, who you had thrown off a roof. How have *you* been?

    Max: I can't complain. Actually, I'm thinking about getting a satellite radio for my car.

    [looks at Vikram's fellow scientist]

    Max: God, you ARE short. Seriously, how much do you weigh? Are you standing in a hole?

    Vikram: We have your ordinances.

    Max: All righty. Let's make a cash withdrawal, and

    [in bad Hindu accent]

    Max: Who wants to be a billionaire?

  • Max: [as Clay drives off his helicopter with a blast of machine gun fire] That was my ride.

    Clay: Bummer.

  • Max: Home again, home again... jiggedy jig.

  • Max: Helen Zass. So, uh, where's that, where's that name come from originally, is that, uh "Ass-Tralian"?

  • Max: Helen Zass. That's your name.

    [Looks over at Bosley]

    Max: . Is that, uh, Ass-tralian?

    Natalie Cook: Oh my god! You must have been the butt of every joke!

    Alex Munday: Did you by chance drive an Ass-tin Martin?

    Natalie Cook: Alex! We're being Ass-inine!

    Dylan Sanders: Yes. Yes you are.

  • Max: Don't worry, baby. You're safe, you're safe, you're so beautiful. You remind me of my yellow poom-poom rider!

  • Max: I'm sorry for all the time and trouble it cost us, but I'm not sorry that I helped her - it was the right thing to do.

    Fang: The right thing to do? Max, were beyond worrying about the right thing to do. They experimenting on us like lab rats. And now we have to run, hide and fight every day just to stay alive.

  • Max: The issue's not whether you're paranoid, Lenny, I mean look at this shit, the issue is whether you're paranoid enough.

  • Max: Only he doesn't know about me and Faith. So I say to myself, if I turn the job down, he just gets somebody else. And I lose Faith... to coin a phrase. So to buy time, I do the skank. I still gotta do something about Tran... I figure it's him or me... but I can't cap him without a chump to take the fall. And who better than his girlfriend's loser ex-boyfriend... a known criminal... who has been seen hassling them in public numerous times.

    Lenny Nero: And who was, regrettably, also your best fucking friend.

    Max: No plan is perfect, Lenny. Hey, cheer up. World's gonna end in ten minutes anyway.

  • Lenny: I didn't know you were color blind, Max.

    Max: It was the only way I could stand your ties.

  • Max: Well, I've lost my appetite.

    [Throws food away]

    Max: For about a year.

  • Max: Cheer up. The world's about to end in ten minutes anyway.

  • Max: He's still workin' the party... actin' smooth like nothin's nothin'.

  • Max: You know how I know it's the end of the world? Everything's already been done. Every kind of music's been tried. Every kind of government's been tried, every fucking hairstyle, bubble gum flavors, you know, breakfast cereal. What are we going to do? How are we going to make another thousand years? I'm telling you, man, it's over. We used it all up.

  • Max: [Terry attacks Max with a hammer. He easily blocks her and throws her aside] We haven't met. I'm Max.

    [she tries again and fails]

    Max: You probably thought I was a computer nerd, didn't ya?


    Max: Wrong! I was a Navy SEAL, lady. You really should see what I can do... with just my thumb.

    [he draws a pistol, Terry picks up the hammer and throws it killing him]

  • Professor Fate: What's next?

    Max: Car number five, the engine falls out!

    Professor Fate: Car number five! Ha ha ha ha!... Er, Max, we're number five.

  • Max: Rise and shine, Professor.

    Professor Fate: You rise! You shine!

  • Cowboy: He's lucky Texas Jack ain't around... he'd gun that dude for sure!

    Professor Fate: Pardon me, Mr. Pahd-nuh, who is this Texas Jack?

    Cowboy: WHO'S TEXAS JACK?

    Professor Fate: Who?

    Cowboy: The roughest, toughest gunslinger in these parts... Lilly's his girl!

    Professor Fate: Whoo, hoo, hoo... Lilly's his girl.

    Max: Terrific...

  • Professor Fate: [having beaten Leslie] I am king! I am THE King!

    [sees Leslie and Maggie kissing]

    Professor Fate: No, I'm not!

    Max: What?

    Professor Fate: I didn't beat him, he let me win! I can't win this way! I can only win one way, MY way! He let me win!

    [angrily climbs on Leslie's car]

    Professor Fate: You cheated! Cheated! I hate you! I refuse to accept! I won't win any way but my way! You've ruined my reputation, do you hear? You I hate! You and your hair that's always combed, your suit that's always white, your car that's always clean! I refuse to accept! I challenge you to another race!

    Leslie: Get off my hood!

    [crowd cheers]

    Professor Fate: Another race!

  • Professor Fate: What is the word for "friends"?

    Maggie DuBois: Professor...

    Professor Fate: Shut up!

    Max: I don't know the language.

    Professor Fate: Well, get the dictionary!

    Max: Dictionary. Right.

    [Max flips through the pages]

    Max: I got it, I got it.

    Professor Fate: What is it, what is it?

    Max: [frowns] I can't pronounce it.

    [Fate grabs the dictionary]

    Professor Fate: Very simple. Dru... Druz...

    Maggie DuBois: Druzya.

    Professor Fate: Druzya...

    [Fate and Max stare at Maggie]

    Maggie DuBois: I speak, read, and write French... Russian... and Arabic.

  • [On a melting iceberg]

    Max: We gotta do something.

    Professor Fate: Oh, don't worry. Before this iceberg melts and we drown like rats, we're going to do plenty.

    Max: Yeah? What?

    Professor Fate: We're gonna starve!

  • Max: Red sky. Gonna be a storm.

    Professor Fate: What are you babbling about?

    Max: Red sky in the morning, sailor take warning.

    Professor Fate: Why, you simple-headed gherkin, do you know the chances of a storm in this part of the world at this time of the year?

    Max: No, what?

    Professor Fate: Hundred to one.

    [a great thunderclap; it begins to pour rain]

    Max: Red sky in the morning, sailor take warning!

    Professor Fate: Why you idiot!

  • [on the iceberg]

    Fate: You're wasting your time!

    Leslie: Perhaps.

    Fate: We're melting!

    Leslie: Slowly.

    Max: We're gonna sink!

    Leslie: Eventually.

    Fate: Then you're wasting your time!

  • [last lines]

    Max: C'mon Professor. Go, Go!

    Fate: Relax. This time I'm going to win it my way. Push the button Max!

    [cut to shot of Eifel Tower collapsing]

  • FateMax: A Parachute?

  • Max: [sees Fate's bandaged hands] Would you like me to feed you?

  • [Fate's car is met by a group of austere villagers]

    Max: You give 'em beads, that makes 'em friendly.

    Professor Fate: Obviously, they don't know who I am.

    [Fate stands up]

    Professor Fate: I AM PROFESSOR FATE!

    [the crowd is silent. Fate slinks back into his seat]

    Max: Wanna try the beads?

  • Professor Fate: The world is mine!

    Max: The world is ours!

  • Max: Here come the Marines!

  • Max: [stumbling about in a blinding snowstorm] Professor, where are you?

    Professor Fate: Behind the rock!

    Max: Behind which rock?

    [trips over Professor Fate]

    Professor Fate: This rock, you idiot!

  • Max: Who's your best friend?

    Amy: You are my best friend.

    Max: And what did I say to you the very first day at the Academy?

    Amy: "That's my bunk, bitch."

    Max: After that.

  • Mrs. Peatree: [to herself, very upset] Treason! Obstructing justice? We're going to be the laughing stock of the intelligence community!

    [whirls from fireplace to Amy]

    Mrs. Peatree: I'm going to send you so far away that luxuries like toilet paper and diet coke are but a distant memory.

    Max: Mrs. Peatree?

    Mrs. Peatree: Is someone speaking to me? Because that would be very ill advised.

    Max: Mrs. Peatree, this whole incident can no doubt be a source of embarrassment for the academy, and you, right?

    Mrs. Peatree: Have I *not* been speaking English?

  • Janet: [Dominique, Janet, and Max are locked in the bank vault. Max is banging on the vault door with a crowbar, and Dominique has lit up a cigarette. Janet looks at her horrified] Please don't smoke! Please?

    [looking annoyed, Dominique takes a drag and blows smoke dismissively in Janet's direction]

    Janet: [to Max] Tell her not to smoke!

    [looking more annoyed, Max rolls her eyes and walks toward Dominique]

    Janet: Guys! There's not enough air and soon we're going to be faint on the floor, and the only air left in this room will be toxic!

    [Max takes a cigarette from Dominique, lights it, and takes a deep drag which she lets out. Janet, very distressed, approaches the two of them waving her hands]

    Max: This is bullshit!

    Janet: This could not get any worse!

    [Spikes come out of the ceiling and the ceiling slowly lowers toward them]

    Max: See? Trap.

  • Max: Janet! Wake up! We got a lead on Amy!

    Janet: [to herself because she knows Amy's with Lucy willingly] Oh, God!

    [jumps out of bed]

    Janet: Oh no no no no no no no...

  • Max: It's a trap.

    Amy: Whatever.

    Max: Hey! Look. Creepy shadows. No bad guys in sight. Confined space! Trap!

    Amy: Why are to you giving me such a hard time? Do you think I can't handle it?

    Max: No I *know* you can't handle it. You wouldn't know formation kappa kappa gamma if it bit you in your forehead.

    Dominique: [acknowledging that this is not the best time for Amy and Max to be fighting] We are going to die.

    Amy: [to Dominique] No.

    [turning back to Max]

    Amy: As your senior officer, I'm ordering you to secure the vault, soldier!

    Max: You're "ordering" me?

    Amy: Yeah!

    Max: [gets gun ready] Fine!

    Amy: [they run in - nothing seems amiss] There! That wasn't so bad. I think you guys owe me an apology-aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhh!

    [falls as trap doors opens beneath her]

  • Amy: What I said to you the first time we met?

    Max: "High-protein diets are overrated."

    Amy: [trying to be patient] After that.

  • Amy: [looking at Lucy through binoculars] Wow. Lucy Diamond, she's...

    Max: What?

    Amy: Real.

  • Max: [to Amy] I don't care if you are the Perfect Score.

    Janet: [under her breath] Perfect whore!

  • Scud: What the hell?

    Janet: I couldn't stop them!

    Scud: [pauses] You look nice.

    Janet: Thanks.


    Janet: What?

    Max: [to Janet] What are you doing?

    Janet: [to Max] Nothing!

    [punches Scud, who falls to the floor, unconscious]

    Janet: Sorry!

  • Max: If you break her heart, I will hunt you down and kill you.

    Lucy: [smiles] Deal.

  • Max: I can't stop thinking about Lucy Diamond.

    Janet: [incredulous] You too?

  • Max: Who's ever after you are real pros.

    Kate: I guess I should be proud, it would be embarrassing to be killed by an amateur.

  • Jodi Kirkpatrick: So, genius, have you ever pissed off the KGB?

    Max: KGB?

    Jodi Kirkpatrick: The Russian letter for Z looks like a 3. So 33 means ZZ which means Zapatnya Zabov, which means "Death to the West". They were based out of Cuba to strike Western targets. *They* being KGB Away Teams.


    Jodi Kirkpatrick: They were the Navy SEALS of the Spy World. Wet Works, Black Bag Jobs, Electronic Surveillance, if it was bad, these guys did it!

    Max: Fuck DID, they're DOING! And they're *right on my ass*!

    Jodi Kirkpatrick: Avoid anything that leaves electronic footprints because they WILL find it! Seriously, these people can crawl into your living room and pick your nose for you.

  • Rita: Don't do shh... to me. I am not...

    Max: shh...

    Rita: Do I look like a warehouse?

  • Max: Well?

    John Hatcher: One thought he was invincible... the other thought he could fly.

    Max: So?

    John Hatcher: They were both wrong.

  • John Hatcher: [after roughing up some of the "posse"] Now that's *serious* fun!

    Max: Abso-fuckin'-lutely!

  • Max: I love giving away all my possessions, it makes me feel real spiritual.

  • John Hatcher: [to Max] Coach! Put me in! Put me in!

    Max: [stunned] Well, I'll be damned. Trouble.

    John Hatcher: [grins] That's me.

  • [Alex is a cyborg]

    Max: How are we gonna get you through the airport metal detectors?

    Alex: Piece by piece.

  • Max: [referring to Lobero] A pig with armor is still but a pig.

  • Lia Rousseau: [as a couple zombies are approaching them] They must be monsters! Look at their faces!

    Max: They could be drunk.

  • Max: [as Zantoro is fighting off a horde of zombies] Zantoro can't take them all on by himself!

    Lt. Mike London: He did all right the last time.

  • Max: I never realized what a spunky devil you are.

  • Patricia: What scares you, Max?

    Max: Suits, alarm clocks, apartment buildings.

  • Max: We need a new plan.

  • Max: Watch he'll say something like "So gentlemen, we meet again".

    The General: So gentlemen, we meet again.

    Max: I told ya.

  • Max: Patience, Quincey.

    Quincey: You tell that to the guard. He'll be here in two minutes.

  • Max: Right on schedule. Just ten steps to six million dollars.

    Quincey: One step to Devil's Island, if anything touches that floor.

  • [Max, on the phone at a phone booth, panicking of telling him his news about progress of attempting to get back their stolen diamond]

    Max: Double X? Uh, yeah. I'm afraid we- we- we've had another complication.

    Insp. Bouchet: [through the phone] I'm beginning to think that you're the complication!

    [now showing him at his office]

    Insp. Bouchet: [nearly yells it through the phone, but suddenly realizes his receptionist just across the glass wall, and gets his voice down and addresses the diamond in a way, so he couldn't hear him talking about the diamond in a way that reveals any clue that he is behind the diamond robbery] THAT- That "item" should have been in my hands by now!

    Max: [through the phone] Oh, don't worry, sir. It's still in the gas tank.

    Insp. Bouchet: Then bring me the gas tank! What are you waiting for?

    Max: [shown on the phone at the phone booth] We've lost them again, sir. We don't know where they are.

  • Max: Excuse me, sir. There's some very impressive racing cars here, but I don't seem to see the little Volkswagen.

    Showroom MC: Ah, you mean the Douglas car. It will be here. Patience, my friend, patience.

    Quincey: If one more person says "patience" to me, I'll - ...

    [Max taps his shoulder]

    Max: We better have it now, because if we don't turn up with that diamond, Double X is going to mark the spot where we're buried.

    Quincey: [sees Herbie finally arriving] Here, here. Don't dig our graves just yet.

  • Jim Douglas: I, I hate to mention this again... but I heard some clunking...

    Wheely Applegate: You mean that nonsense about the gas tank?

    Jim Douglas: Yeah, that's...

    Wheely Applegate: All right, let's get it straight, once and for all... who the mechanic is around here, okay? You say it's the gas tank, and I say it isn't the gas tank. You see? It isn't the gas tank. It's this... rock that was in the gas tank.

    [Clears throat]

    Jim Douglas: Hold it! There's only one kind of rock that glistens like that.

    Wheely Applegate: Well, sure, quartz. You can find millions of'em around any quarry in Philly.

    Jim Douglas: But... not one that's worth... 6,000,000 bucks.

    Wheely Applegate: Huh?

    Jim Douglas: L 'etoile dejoie.

    Wheely Applegate: The tall, the what?

    Jim Douglas: Etoile dejoie.

    Wheely Applegate: [Gasps] Oh, wow! That's...


    Wheely Applegate: That's the biggest hunk of diamond I've ever seen in my life.

    Jim Douglas: What I don't understand is how it - The black sedan!

    Wheely Applegate: Huh? Where?

    Jim Douglas: No, no, no. They're the ones that robbed the museum. Don't you see? They weren't trying to knock us out of the race. They were trying to get this out of Herbie.

    Max: [But suddenly coming behind] Thank you for helping us, gentlemen, and up with your hands.

    Quincey: You gave us the slip for the last time.

    Max: We'll take the rock.

    Wheely Applegate: [Clearing throat] I don't suppose you'd believe that was just a big hunk of quartz.

    Max: [Chuckles] The rock. Let me have it.

  • Max: [Dove opens briefcase in broad daylight] Whoah. What are you doin'?

    Dove: Counting it.

    Andreas: Did you see us test the dope?

    Max: Fuckin' amateur hour up in here.

  • Max: Want a lift?

    Nastya: I doubt you're strong enough to lift me but, yeah, I could use a lift.

  • Max: Emma, you see this? You give that pig so much as a seductive wink, I'm gonna blow a hole in your head big enough to skull-fuck you in.

    Shane: That's a small hole.

  • Max: You know, under different circumstances, I think we would have made a hell of a couple.

    Emma: I would have killed you in your sleep.

    Max: My kinda girl.

  • Jirachi: Max!

    Max: Huh?

    Jirachi: I'm gonna miss you! We'll be best, best friends, forever and ever.

  • May: Only two more nights left.

    Max: Cut it out, May!

    May: Huh?

    Max: Mmph, quit counting already!

    May: Sorry.

  • Ash Ketchum: How are we supposed to get out?

    Max: I don't know, Ash. Must be some trick. I hope, or this could end bad.

  • Max: I see your tit and I raise you one.

  • Max: I got no soul.

    Cain: You have no soul?

    Max: Nope, lost it when I was dead. Along with a chunk of my spleen and my left pinkie toe.

  • Ryu: Don't bother. You'll never catch him.

    Cain: Fine. We'll just go straight to the source.

    Max: Brilliant, let's rush in and get ourselves killed now that we got a good chance of stopping this thing.

    Cain: What choice do we have? We're running out of time.

    Max: No, we're not running out of time. If we were running out of time, they wouldn't have bothered coming after us. The only reason they're trying to take any of us out is because there's still time to stop them.

    Ryu: What do you suggest?

    Max: Guerrilla warfare. Hound 'em a little chip away at the edges, make sure the ones we don't get are isolated and afraid of us. It's easier to defeat an enemy that already thinks it can't win.

    Cain: Okay.

    Max: Good, let's blow this popsicle stand.

  • Max: Could have done that earlier.

    Ryu: I had to get in here first. I don't really walk through walls, you know.

    Max: Had me fooled.

    Ryu: [to Cain] You okay?

    Cain: Fine.

    Max: Thick skin.

  • Carmen: What happened? At first I thought I was just hearing voices and then... then this endless nightmare I couldn't wake up until...

    Max: You were right. You were right about the voices, you were right about everything. I'm sorry I got you into this.

    Carmen: Into what, Max? What the hell is going on?

    Max: It's complicated. No, not really complicated, just really fucked up. There's a demon, a bunch of 'em, named Legion. He... they are trying to open up the gates of hell, take over the world or at least the city. Me and that guy and a monk... well sort of are trying to stop them and I'm fucked either way because I've got no soul. Told you it was fucked up.

  • Max: What did you want to be when you were that age?

    Jim Paradine: I wanted to be Batman.

    Max: Batman? Even then you wanted to be a crimefighter.

    Jim Paradine: Nah, I just wanted to be in the Justice League so I could hang out with Superman, Green Lantern, and the Flash.

  • Jim Paradine: I figure we're not supposed to make it better. We're just supposed to keep it from getting worse.

    Max: Then, who makes it better?

    Jim Paradine: Well, they do. Their values, I think, are going to shape the country. We just gotta teach them good values before the bad guys teach them bad values.

  • [from trailer]

    Gidget: Hey, Max.

    Max: Hey, Gidget.

    Gidget: Any plans today?

    Max: Yes. Big, big stuff today, Gidget. I got big plans. I'm gonna sit here and I'm gonna wait for Katie to come back.

    Gidget: Oh, that sounds exciting. Well, I won't interrupt. I've got a very busy day too.


  • [last lines]

    Max: Welcome home, Duke.

    Duke: Thanks, Max.

  • Max: Maybe the legend of dogs coming from wolves is jus... is just wrong. Maybe, like, maybe one puppy asked his mom, "Where did we come from?" And the mom said "Woof." And the kid was like, "Oh wolves?" And she was like, "Yeah, fine."

  • Max: [after Duke accidentally causes a vase to crash to the floor] Oh, Duke. Duke, Katie is not... Katie's gonna be so upset when she sees that... Katie's... gonna flip out...

    [looks around mischievously]

    Max: ... when she sees how... you trashed her whole place.

    Duke: Oh, it's just...

    [scratches behind ear]

    Duke: It's just one vase.

    Max: Is it, Duke? Is it?

    [Kicks a vase off a table]

    Max: Oh that's a shame.

    [pushes a bunch of papers onto the ground]

    Duke: What are you doing?

    Max: Whoa, what am I doing? Nothing. I'm a cute little doggy. Katie knows I'd never do anything like this

    [pushes a table making it start to tip over]

    Duke: No, no. Whoa!

    [runs and manages to keep the table from falling over]

    Max: This can only be the work of...

    [pushes some books off a shelf]

    Max: ... a dangerous stray, Who hasn't laid down a foundation of trust.

    [walks along a counter-top, knocking things over]

    Max: You're the new dog. And, hey Duke, what'd you go and do this for?

    [pushes a bowl of fruit to the ground]

    Duke: Oh! I'm gonna...

    Max: What? Bite me? Rip my face off? Perfect. Wait till Katie finds out.

    [imitates an injured dog]

    Max: Oh! Help, Katie! Thank goodness you're here! I tried to stop him, but he's crazy!

  • Max: [In the sewers with Snowball] The smell is disgusting...

    [Snowball glances at him suspiciously]

    Max: ... ly good!

  • Max: Do you see the van?

    Snowball: Yeah, I see it... We're about to hit it

  • [first lines]

    Max: [narrating] I've lived in this city all my life. I'm Max. And I'm the luckiest dog in New York because of her. That's Katie. Katie and I, well, we have the perfect relationship. We met a few years ago and, boy, let me tell ya', we got along right away. You know, it was one of those relationships where... where you just know.

  • Max: You know, the one thing I can't figure out is whether these girls are real smart or just real, real lucky?

    Hal Slocumb: Don't matter. Brains'll only get you so far and luck always runs out.

  • [last lines]

    [with a cliff in front of them and cops behind them]

    Thelma: OK, then, listen. Let's not get caught.

    Louise: What are you talkin' about?

    Thelma: Let's keep goin'!

    Louise: What d'you mean?

    Thelma: Go.

    [Thelma nods ahead of them]

    Louise: You sure?

    Thelma: Yeah. Yeah.

    [they hug and kiss, then Louise steps on the gas; Arkansas State Police Investigator Hal Slocumb starts to chase their car on foot]

    Max: Hey!

  • Max: Uh, yeah, well, if she calls, just be gentle. You know, like, you're really happy to hear from her. Like you really miss her. Women love that shit.

  • Max: Compliance!

  • Max: See ya later, Navigator!

  • Max: I crashed into electrical towers and my star charts were erased. I need the ones in your head to complete my mission.

    David: So you need ME and my INFERIOR brain to fly that thing?

    Max: Correction, I need the SUPERIOR information in your INFERIOR brain to fly this... thing.

  • Max: I do not leak, you leak!

  • [Alien eats David's hat]

    Max: That could have been your head David.

  • [after stopping at a pasture, David steps off the ship to urinate]

    Max: What are you doing?

    David: Can't I have a little privacy?

    Max: Do not know privacy.

  • Max: Hey, blimpo... too many Twinkies.

  • David Scott Freeman: Where do you go next, Max?

    Max: Back in time to when I picked up my creatures. By now they're so hungry, they could eat a zigzog.

    David Scott Freeman: What's a zigzog?

    Max: Kind of like a hippo, but with feathers.

  • Max: I told you, I blew a fuse when I totaled that electrical tower. I was checking out some daisies.

    David: You crashed while looking at FLOWERS?

  • Max: Are we there yet? Where are we anyway?

    David: Geez, I have no idea where we are. We got to get directions.

    MaxDavid: [they hear "Trapped in My Mind" coming from a convertible on the highway] Hmm.

    David: I wonder if that's that Twisted Sister stuff Carolyn was talking about.

    Teen in Car: Come on.

    David: [they lower the space ship beside the car at a stop sign] Hi, you wouldn't happen to know the way to Fort Lauderdale, would you?

    Max: [Max sticks his 'head' out] Try to make your directions clear because we get lost easy.

    Teen in Car: [freaking out] Fly!

    [they speed off]

    Max: Hey! Thanks for nothing!... Were those geeks, David?

    David: Yes, Max. Those were geeks.

  • Max: Ooh, a threat. Look, I'm really shaking!

  • David: That's it?

    Max: That's it, Davy!

    David: Davy?

    Max: If you wanna learn how to swim, you have to jump in the water. Don't forget to feed Bruiser. Two all-beef patties, special sauce, lettuce, cheese, pickles, onions on a sesame seed bun... Whoa! I think I got some stuff out of your head that has nothing to do with navigating this ship!

    David: You sound just like a human!

    Max: No! That dumb dog will never learn to catch a frisbee. You are the inferior species, you dumb dork!

    David: Buttface!

    Max: Scuz-bucket! Ha-ha!

  • David: [flying into Florida] Al's Gator City... This must be Florida, Max!

    Max: And that must be Big Al!

  • David: What are we doing all the way up here you geek?

    Max: Geek?

    David: I swear to God if I was driving this thing we'd be home by now!

    Max: Oh yeah?

    David: Yeah!

    Max: Oh yeah?

    David: Yeah!

    Max: Ok turkey YOU fly it

    [Max turns everything off]

  • David: [David looks at a gooey alien] What's this?

    Max: A very unpleasant creature.

    David: What's his problem?

    Max: He has a cold.

  • Max: [Last line] See ya later navigator haha.

  • David: [to his family] I'm sorry, but I don't belong here now! I love you!

    [gets back in ship and flies off]

    Max: You need to be with your family, David.

    David: That is my family, but that's NOT my home. MY home is back in 1978!

    Max: I wish I could take you back in time, David, but it's just too risky.

  • David: If I stay, those scientists will experiment on me like a guinea pig for the rest of my life.

    Max: If I take you back in time, you could be vaporized. It's very risky, David.

    David: Let's do it.

  • Douglas: Will you keep out all the sadness?

    Max: I have a sadness shield that keeps out all the sadness, and it's big enough for all of us.

  • [last lines]

    The Bull: Hey, Max?

    Max: Yeah?

    The Bull: When you go home, will you say good things about us?

    Max: Yeah, I will.

    The Bull: Thanks, Max.

    Judith: You're the first king we haven't eaten.

    Alexander: Yeah, that's true.

    Judith: See ya.

    Alexander: Bye, Max.

    Max: Bye.

    KW: Don't go. I'll eat you up; I love you so.

    [all howl]

  • Max: There were some buildings... There were these really tall buildings, and they could walk. Then there were some vampires. And one of the vampires bit the tallest building, and his fangs broke off. Then all his other teeth fell out. Then he started crying. And then, all the other vampires said, "Why are you crying? Weren't those just your baby teeth?" And he said, "No. Those were my grown-up teeth." And the vampires knew he couldn't be a vampire anymore, so they left him. The end.

  • Carol: This part of your kingdom's not so good.

    Max: Why?

    Carol: Well, look: this used to be all rock, and now it's sand, and then, one day, it's going to be dust, and then the whole island will be dust, and then... well I don't even know what comes after dust.

  • Max: Carol, did you know the sun was gonna die?

    Carol: What? I never heard that... Oh, come on. That can't happen. I mean you're the king, and look at me, I'm big! how can guys like us worry about a tiny little thing like the sun, hmm?

  • Carol: [Max is waking up as Carol carries him] I didn't wanna wake you up... but I really wanna show you something

    Max: Okay.

    [Climbs onto Carol's shoulder]

    Carol: And on our way... I can show you your kingdom. This is all yours. You're the owner of this world. Everything you see is yours. Oh, except that hole over there, that's Ira's. The tree's yours, but the hole is Ira's. But everything else is yours. Except for that rock over there, that's not yours. That little rock next to the big rock. But everything else in the kingdom... except for that stick. That little stick right there, that's not yours. I want you to be king forever, Max.

    Max: Yeah, definitely.

  • Max: [upon seeing Carol remove his crown from a pile of bones] Are those... other kings?

    Carol: Oh, those? I don't know anything about that. Those were like that when we got here.

  • Max: Small is good. My powers are able to slip right through the cracks.

    Judith: But what if the cracks are closed up?

    Max: Then I have a re-cracker, which goes right through that.

    Judith: But what if they have some sort of material that re-crackers can't get through?

    Max: Then I have a double re-cracker, which can get through anything in this whole universe. And that's the end, and there's nothing more powerful after that, ever. Period.

    Alexander: He has a double re-cracker.

    Ira: He does sound powerful.

  • Judith: Psst. Psst.

    [signals for Max to come over]

    Judith: What were you doing with Carol just now?

    Max: Just talking.

    Judith: Oh, a secret, huh? Let me ask you something. How does it work around here? Are we all the same or are some of us better than others or - ? You like to play favourites, huh, king?

    [Ira accidentally hurts Judith]

    Judith: Ow.

    Max: No, I like all you guys equally.

    Judith: Don't give me that. I can see how it is. The king has favourites. That's really cute.

    [Ira hurts Judith again]

    Judith: Ow! Stop! Do you have a favourite colour? Hey, can I be your favourite colour?


    Judith: [Max imitates her laugh]

    [Judith does it back]

    Judith: [Max does it again, with more effort]

    Judith: Ahahaha.

    Max: Har har har.

    Judith: [more evilly] ahahahaha!

    Max: Har har har!

    Judith: Ahahahahaha!

    Max: HAR HAR HAR!

    Judith: You know what? You can't do that back to me. If we're upset, your job is not to get upset back at us. Our job is to be upset. If I get mad and wanna eat you, then you have to say: "Oh, okay. You can eat me. I love you. Whatever makes you happy, Judith." That's what you're supposed to do!

  • Max: Did you make this?

    Carol: Yeah, yeah.

    Max: It's very good.

    Carol: We were gonna make a whole world like this. Now, everyone used to come here, but you know... you know what it feels like when all your teeth are falling out really slowly and you don't realize and then you notice that, well, they're really far apart. And then one day... you don't have any teeth anymore.

    Max: Yeah.

    Carol: Well it was like that.

  • Max: I have no plans to eat anyone.

  • [first lines]

    Max: Hey, Claire. Wanna see something great?

    Claire: [on the phone] Who else was there?

    Max: It's an igloo! I made it.

    Claire: Yeah, my brother.

    Max: Hey, Claire!

    Claire: I can't. We're supposed to go to my dad's that weekend.

    Max: The snowplows left some snow across the street, and I dug a hole into it.

    Claire: Go and play with your friends.

  • Max: Yeah, it's gonna be as tall as twelve of you and six of me. And only we can get in. We can have an ice cream parlor. A swimming pool with a bottom that's a trampoline.

  • KW: [laughs]

    Max: What?

    KW: You're funny looking. That's all.

  • Carol: So, what ever happened with you and the Vikings?

    Max: Well, in the end I had to leave.

    Carol: Why?

    Max: I'm not a Viking or a king, or... or anything.

    Carol: So, what are you?

    Max: I'm Max.

    Carol: [sigh] Well, that's not very much, is it?

    [walks away]

  • Goofy: [Half awake] How many cups of sugar does it take to get to the moon?

    Max: Uh... three and a half?

  • Max: Now look where you got us, Dad!

    Goofy: Where *I* got us?

    Max: You should've let me stay at home!

    Goofy: Why? So you'd end up in prison?

    Max: Prison? What are you talking about?

    Goofy: Your principal called me!

    Max: It's not what you think, Dad!

    Goofy: You even lied to me!

    Max: I had to! You were ruining my life!

    Goofy: I was only tryin' to take my boy fishin', okay?

    Max: I'm not your little boy anymore, Dad! I've grown up! I've got my own life now!

    Goofy: I know that! I just wanted to be part of it.


    Goofy: You're my son, Max. No matter how big you get, you'll always be my son.

  • Goofy: Hey, Maxie. Let's play a game. You think of someone and I'll try to guess who it is. Man or woman?

    Max: Aw, man.

    Goofy: Man? Hmm... That's a toughy... let's see... Walt Disney!

    Max: Right.

    Goofy: Boy, I'm good at this! Now I'll think of one.

  • Goofy: You look just like I did at your age.

    Max: Please don't say that, Dad.

  • Max: [singing] She looked right through me, and who can blame her? I need a new me, plus some positive proof that I'm not just a goof.

  • Goofy: This is a vacation with me and my best buddy.

    Max: Donald Duck?

    Goofy: No, silly, with you!

  • [Goofy enters Max's room]

    Goofy: Mornin', son!

    Max: [in his underwear] Dad!

    Goofy: Whoops. I forgot.

    [exits, knocks then re-enters]

    Goofy: Mornin', son!

  • Max: [singing] Roxanne, please don't forget me. I will return someday. Though I might be in traction when I do!

  • Roxanne: Have a great time at the concert, Max. I'll see you on TV.

    Max: [to himself] I'm in deep sludge.

  • Max: [referring to electronic equipment] Wow! All this is for us?

    Bobby: Mmm... Slurpish.

    Max: [taking the equipment] Oh, this is going to be so great, man!

    Bobby: [taking it back] Dude, need fundage, bro.

    Max: Oh, your fee. Yeah, right here.

    [gives him a can of cheese whiz]

    Bobby: [shouts] Cheddar! Aah-ooh! Cheddar whizzy!

  • Max: [writing] Dear Roxanne, couldn't sleep, so I thought I'd drop you a line. My dad and I are having a great time. We're only days away from L.A., and I can hardly wait for the big concert!

    Goofy: [in his sleep] More "Hi, Dad" soup, please?

    Max: [writing] Dear Roxanne, sorry I lied, I'm not really going to the Powerline concert. You may never want to see me again...


    Max: Oh, man! I'm dead no matter what I do!

  • Max: Hey, the car!

    Goofy: What? Now you want to drive too?

    Max: No, Dad! The car! Look!

    Goofy: The car? What did you do now, Max?

    Max: I didn't do anything, Dad! I only touched it!

  • Goofy: You locked it!

    Max: *I* locked it? It's your door! *You* locked it!

    Goofy: Well, *you* distracted me!

  • Max: My life's a living...

    Lester: HELL-O, little buddy!

    [Max turns his back and tries to ignore Lester, who comes around to Max's front]

    Lester: Who's your favorite possum?

    Max: Don't touch me!

    Lester: Aw, why such a long face? You're so sad! Boo hoo hoo! I know! You need a big hug from Lester!

    Max: Don't even think about IIIIIITTT...

    [Lester gives Max a giant bear hug]

    Lester: See? Now you feel all good inside!

    Max: [Slaps Lester which turns his false head backwards] BEAT IT, doofus!

  • [the car is rolling down a hill]

    Max: You should've put the brake on!

    Goofy: Why didn't you just put it on yourself?

    [Pulls brake lever, which breaks off]

    Max: See? You ruin everything.

    Goofy: Well, you ruined the vacation!

    Max: *I* ruined it? I never wanted to go on this stupid VACATION!

  • Max: [at the top of his rage] Arrrgh! This is the *stupidest* vacation! You drag me from home, jam me into this dumb car, drive me a million miles away to see some stupid rat show!

    [calms down]

    Max: Call me when the trip's over.

  • Goofy: I saved the best for last. It's been handed down from Goof to Goof to Goof, and now, it's yours, son.

    Max: A stick?

    Goofy: No, silly. A fishing pole!

    Max: Fishing? We're going fishing?

    Goofy: Yup. Just like my dad and me did - two best buddies fishing on Lake Destiny *away from it all*!

    Max: I don't want to be *away from it all*, Dad, I like *it all*.

    Goofy: Look, Maxie. We're using the same map me and my dad used. We'll take the same route, make the same stops, see the same sights.

    Max: But that trip will take weeks, Dad!

    Goofy: Exactly! Getting there is half the fun!

    Max: Put the map away, Dad. It's not gonna happen.

    Goofy: Careful, son! You'll ruin my past... and our future. What the map says... we will follow.

    Max: That's very mystical and everything, Dad, but there's seriously this party I have to...

    Goofy: Oh, there will be plenty of time for parties when you're older, Maxie. Why, when I was your age, I've never even been invited to a party. Look at me, now!

    Max: Great, Dad.

  • Goofy: You're doing the right thing, son.

    Max: I know, but she'll probably never talk to me again.

    Goofy: Well, if she doesn't, maybe she's just not the one for you.

    Max: That's what I'm afraid of.

  • [at concert]

    Goofy: Let's get you on stage!

    Max: Maybe this isn't such a good idea.

    [a pair of *very* attractive dancers walk past]

    Max: Hmmm, then again...

  • Max: But, Dad, I don't even know how to fish.

    Goofy: That's never stopped me. I'm gonna show you a little secret that has been handed down for twelve or thirteen Goof generations: the Perfect Cast.

    Max: The perfect what?

    Goofy: The Perfect Cast. My dad taught it to me when I was your age, and now I pass it on to you. Watch carefully now. You gotta stay loose, relaxed. Keep your feet apart. Now, ten o'clock, two o'clock, quarter to three, tour jeté, twist, pas de deux, I'm a little teapot, then the windup... and let 'er fly! The Perfect Cast.

  • [last lines]

    Max: Roxanne, I'd like you to meet my dad.

    Goofy: [taking Roxanne's hand] Enchantée, mademoiselle.

    [he kisses her hand]

  • Max: Dad, it's Big Foot!

    Goofy: Could you back up a bit, Mr. Foot, uh, you're out of focus.

  • Max: [singing] I've got less than an hour and when this is ended, I'll either be famous...

    Principal Mazur: [singing] ... Or you'll be suspended!

  • Goofy: [singing] Do you need a break from modern living? Do you long to shed your weary load? If your nerves are raw and your brain is fried, just grab a friend and take a ride, together upon the open road.


    Goofy: C'mon, Maxie!

    Max: [singing] All in all, I'd rather have detention. All in all, I'd rather eat a toad. And the old man drives that's such a klutz that I'm about to hurl my guts directly upon the open road.

  • Goofy: Came to see if you had any dirty clothes.

    Max: There they are. Help yourself.

    Goofy: Max, I thought we talked about this.

    Max: Sorry, Dad. I'll take care of it later.

    Goofy: What's the big rush?

    Max: I'm running late.

    Goofy: I can drive you to school on my way to work.

    Max: Oh, no thanks. I need the exercise.

  • Goofy: [singing] Me and Max relaxing like the old days...

    Max: [singing] This is worse than dragon breath and acne.

    Goofy: [singing] ... in a buddy-buddy kind of mode.

    Max: [singing] I'm so mad, I think I'm may explode!

    Goofy: [singing] When I see that highway, I could cry.

    Max: [singing] You know, that's funny. So could I.

    GoofyMax: [singing] Just being out on the open road.

  • P.J.: Small wilderness, dude! Didn't expect to see you here!

    Max: Apparently not.

    P.J.: You're just jealous, man, cos you ain't got the moves!

    Max: You can keep the moves, but I wouldn't mind having this R.V. You're so lucky.

    P.J.: Me? Oh, come on, man! You're the star. Going to the Powerline concert? Oh, it's unbelievable!

    Max: Who told you about that?

    P.J.: Hey, come on! Everybody in town knows about it, Max! You are going to be famous, buddy... especially with Roxanne!

    Max: There's only one person who doesn't know about it yet, Peej.

    P.J.: Who?

    Max: My dad.

  • Max: Dad... listen, about my directions... will you listen to me? I gotta tell you something, Dad.

    Goofy: Why bother? I'm probably too stupid to understand anyway, right?

    Max: Forget it.

  • Goofy: Are you okay, Maxie?

    [He slaps his face to wake him up]

    Max: What did you say?

    Goofy: That's right. A vacation, son! We'll spend some real quality time together.

    [hugs him tight against his belly]

    Max: [traumatically shocked] I think I'm gonna be sick.

  • Max: It's only Powerline, Dad, the biggest rock star on the planet.

    Goofy: Not bigger than Xavier Cugat, the mambo king. Everybody mambo!

  • Max: [singing] So your jokes are all, let's face it, prehistoric.

    Goofy: [singing] And your music sounds like monkeys in a zoo.

    MaxGoofy: [singing in unison] But when life becomes distressing, who will I be S-O-S-ing?

    Max: [singing] If you're having trouble guessing, here's a clue: though he seems intoxicated, he's just highly animated, and he's nobody else but...

    MaxGoofy: [singing in unison] Nobody else but you. We've turned into a true blue duo. Hard times, we've had a few...

    Goofy: [singing] Like we're thrown in the drink...

    Max: [singing] Like we're tossed out of town...

    MaxGoofy: [singing in unison] But when I start to sink, hey, I'd rather go down, with nobody else but Y-O-U!

    [Goofy kisses Max]

    Max: [annoyed] Aw, Dad!

  • Goofy: [after Max slams the car door] All right, then. Guess I'll just have to go... all alone, that's all. Just sit in the boat... all alone. And talk to myself. All alone.

    Max: I guess so.

  • Max: Roxanne, I lied to you. I don't even know Powerline.

  • Goofy: Well, I think the only thing for us to do now is to get you up on stage with this Powerline feller.

    Max: How are we gonna do that?

    Goofy: Now, you just leave that up to me.

    Max: No, Dad, really. I think we should just forget it.

    Goofy: Now, how come you always think I'm gonna lead you into some sort of calamity?

    Max: Uh, d-d-d-dad?

    Goofy: What's wrong now?

    Max: Look!

    [Max turns Goofy around; he sees that they are headed for a waterfall]

    Goofy: Hyuk, a waterfall.


    Goofy: A waterfall?

  • Goofy: Come on, Maxie, let's get this show on the road!

    Max: Um, just a minute you... Party... Animal... You!

  • [having been distracted by Max's inability to decide which direction to go at a junction, Goofy gets mad. Max smiles nervously]

    Max: How about a song, Dad?

    [Goofy gets madder]

    Max: A game? A game! Yeah, yeah, a game. Okay. Uh, man or woman?

    [Goofy gets even madder]

    Max: Man? Man! Okay. Uh, Walt Disney!

  • [Max's stomach growls]

    Goofy: Max, was that Bigfoot or your stomach?

    Max: Man, I'm STARVING!

  • [Goofy and Max are trapped by Bigfoot in their car, and it is about Max's suppertime. They are waiting for his soup to warm up, and Goofy starts chuckling with his mouth closed]

    Max: What's so funny?

    Goofy: "Hi Dad" soup.

    Max: Huh?

    Goofy: Don't tell me you don't remember "Hi Dad" soup? Oh, come on. Sure you do. You used to spell things out using the letters. Like, uh, "Hi Dad", or "Maxie" ,or...

    Max: "Ambidextrous"?

    Goofy: Yeah, that's... Huh? Naaa, little words, like, uh...

    Max: "Hasta la vista"?

    Goofy: Like "bye-bye".

    Max: Or "I pledge allegiance"-...

    Goofy: A-hyuk, or "I love you."

    [They suddenly get a shock of sadness, then turn to face at the windshield]

    Max: [happy again] Is it, uh, is it soup yet?

    Goofy: Oh, oh. I almost forgot.

    [Punches holes on can with buck teeth]

  • Max: [watching P.J. dance] What a goob.

  • Max: [brooding] Good-bye, hopes... Good-bye, dreams... Good-bye, Roxanne...

  • Max: Why are you doing this to me, Dad?

    Goofy: 'Cause, I don't want you to end up in the electric chair.

  • Goofy: You really had him fooled, Pete!

    Max: Me? You jumped out of your skin!

    Goofy: Uh-uh! I was just pretending for your sake!

    Max: Oh, right! Sure!

  • [Goofy and Max have stopped bickering about the car, the vacation and Max's life]

    Max: [singing] There are times you drive me, shall we say, bananas, and your mind is missing, no offense, a screw.

    Goofy: None taken.

    Max: [singing] Still, whatever mess I land in, who is always understandin'? Nobody else but you.

    Goofy: [singing] Oh, your moodiness is now and then bewildering, and your values may be, so to speak, askew.

    Max: [spoken] Gesundheit.

    Goofy: [spoken] Thanks.


    Goofy: Who deserves a hero's trophy as we face each catastrophe? Nobody else but you.

    MaxGoofy: [singing in unison] Nobody else but you. It's just our luck. We're stuck together. Nobody else but you. It's crazy enough to believe we'll come through.

  • Max: Is he gone yet?

    Goofy: [Bigfoot does a "Punch and Judy" sock puppet show on the hood] Nope, still here.

  • Max: [sees Goofy loading the car] Goin' somewhere, Pop?

    Goofy: Yep!

    Max: Cool. Have a good time. If you're gonna be more than a month, drop me a line.

  • Powerline: [Max lip-synching] I watch you watching every move that I make, you gotta believe that I got what it takes.

    Max: [trips over a cord] AAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!

  • Max: [lip syncing to Powerline] Some people settle for the typical things; spendin' all their lives swaying in the winds, it ain't a question of if, just a matter of time; before I move to the front of the line! I watch you watchin' every move that I make! You gotta believe that I got what it takes! To stand out! Above the crowd! Even if I've got to shout out loud! Till mine is the only face you see; I gotta stand out! Till you notice me!

  • [the first day of Goofy's road trip]

    Goofy: [holding a video camera while driving] Day 1: Well, here we are, out on the open road, retracing the steps of my boyhood. And here's...

    [he aims the camera toward a brooding Max]

    Goofy: Maxie! Say, "Hi", Max!

    [Max pays no attention]

    Goofy: Well, how about a wave?

    Max: [putting his hand in front of the camera lens] Not now, Dad.

    Goofy: [laughing] What a kidder.

  • Max: [Max is about to perform in front of the whole school] I hope this works.

  • Kevin: All right, who talked?

    Max: It wasn't me, Han Solo, Zach got the information from Jinx.

    Kevin: Max... I am not Han Solo. You are not Luke Skywalker. There's no Empire. There's no Force and there's no Dark Side!

  • Andie: [They're all in a space shuttle simulator] The computer does most of the work. Now the first lesson I want to teach you is...

    [Rudy moves the control stick, causing the simulator to lurch backward. Everyone falls]

    Andie: [glaring at Rudy] "Why I Won't Touch Anything Until I Know How to Use It."

    Rudy Tyler: By Rudy Tyler.

    Andie: Right.

    Max: Yeah, Rudy.

  • [Kevin is showing Max how the shuttle toilet works. It involves a vacuum hose]

    Max: I ain't getting in that.

    Kevin: No, Max, come on. I mean, it's not like you're using it for much else anyway, right?

  • Max: It's me! I'm here to rescue you!

  • Max: Oh, I mean this is like the greatest thing since the X-Wing fighter!

  • Andie: [in the space shuttle] Max, Tish, take your seats on the main deck. If you need any help, just holler.

    Max: Roger, Commander. I'll arm the laser guns... May the Force be with you.


  • Max: Somebody get me down from here, or I'm going to be SICK!

  • Max: Help me, Obi-Wan Kenobi. Help me.

  • Maya: Arf arf arf arf!

    Max: Arf Arf!

  • Doc Hopper: Hey - frog! That's the second time! Max, I've done my best with that frog, now's the time to do my worst. Open the door.

    Max: No, YOU open the door!

    Doc Hopper: What?

    Max: I'm through, Doc. The frog is right. You're asking him to do something terrible. I can't be a part of it. It's a moral decision and I'll stand by it.

    Doc Hopper: I'll double your percentage.

    Max: I'll open the door.

  • Doc Hopper: Hey, maybe this frog does everything. He talks, he sings, he dances, he tells jokes, he even rides a bicycle. Max, find me a frog and a bear in a tan Studebaker.

    Max: [Fozzie and Kermit appear in Fozzie's Studebaker, now rainbow-colored] Gee, Doc, all I can see is a frog and a bear in a rainbow-colored Studebaker.

  • Kermit: Did we do something wrong, Officer?

    All Muppets: [Shocked when it reveals that the police officer is Max]

    Kermit: Okay, Guys! Let him explain the violation issue.

    Max: This whole disguise is only so that I can warn you!

    Fozzie: Okay, Sure, Sure.

    Max: I never thought Doc was going to hurt Kermit, I thought he was going to lean on him. But now he has hired a frog killer in from the coast, And the man is DEADLY!

    All Muppets: [Everybody gets shocked about the frog killer]

    Kermit: Hey Dr. Teeth, What's up ahead?

    Dr. Teeth: Well, Just an old ghost town.

    Kermit: Okay.

    [to Max]

    Kermit: You tell Doc Hopper. I'll wait for him there.

    Max: What?

    Fozzie: [as everybody get scared and concerned] You could killed, Kermit.

    Kermit: Listen you guys, I can't spend my whole life running away from bullies, It's time for a showdown.

  • Chief Meanie: Pepperland is a tickle of joy on the blue belly of the universe. It must be scratched. Right, Max?

    Max: Yes, your Blueness.

    Chief Meanie: WHAT? We Meanies only take "no" for an answer! Is that understood, Max?

    Max: No, Your Blueness!

    Chief Meanie: That's better!

  • John: Hello, there, blue people! Won't you join us? Hook up, and otherwise co-mingle? What do you say?

    Chief Meanie: Max.

    Max: Yes, your Blueness er, your newness?

    Chief Meanie: It's no longer a blue world, Max. Where could we go?

    Max: Argentina?

    John: Are you with us? Will you join?

    Chief Meanie: Shall we?

    Max: [nodding] No!

    Chief Meanie: [threatening] Aargh!

    Max: [hastily] N-n-y-y-y-y-Yes, your Newness!

    Chief Meanie: Yes, Max!

    Jeremy: Yes! Ah, yes is a word with a glorious ring! A true universal utopious thing! Engenders embracing and chasing of blues, the very best word for the whole world to use!

    Chief Meanie: Yes, let us mix, Max. I've never admitted it before, but my cousin is the blue bird of happiness!

  • Chief Meanie: Ah, the hills are alive...

    Max: [sings] ... with the sound of music!

    Chief Meanie: [Punches Max] Who did it? Who is responsible for this?

    Max: Rimsky-Korsakov?

    [Chief Meanie shoots him, Blue Menial #3 stomps him into ground]

    Max: [Poking his head up from ground] Guy Lombardo?

  • Max: Here, your Blueness have some nasty medicine!

  • Chief Meanie: Are the troops in readiness?

    Max: No, Your Blueness!

    Chief Meanie: The bonkers?

    Max: Nope!

    Chief Meanie: Clowns?

    Max: No!

    Chief Meanie: Snapping Turks?

    Max: No!

    Chief Meanie: Anti music missiles?

    Max: No!

    Chief Meanie: The Dreadful Flying Glove?

    Max: No!

    Chief Meanie: Splendid! Today Pepperland goes blue-y!

  • Max: Fritz! Fritz, get up for God's sake! Get up! They've killed Fritz! They've killed Fritz! Those lousy stinking yellow fairies! Those horrible atrocity-filled vermin! Those despicable animal warmongers! They've killed Fritz! Take that! Take this! Take that, you green slime! You black hearted, short, bow-legged...

    Fritz: Max! Max, I'm okay! I'm okay max. Just a scratch. Look I'm all right.

    Max: Oh. Oh, damn. There you go again, stepping on my lines, raining on my parade, costing me medals. Oh, damn.

    [Accidentally shoots Fritz]

    Max: Ohh. Oh, Fritz? Fritz, get up for God's sake! Get up! They've killed Fritz! They've killed Fritz! Those lousy stinking yellow fairies! Those horrible atrocity-filled vermin! Take that! Take that! They killed Fritz!

  • Max: Now you are going to pretend to be me.

    Jack Erickson: Give yourself up boy.

    Max: Gimme that glue!

    Jack Erickson: You still have a chance to be a FINE YOUNG SCOUT!


    Jack Erickson: Top pocket.

    Max: Put your palms up

    [spits off the top of the glue and spreads glue on the wheel]

    Max: Now grab hold of the wheel.

    Jack Erickson: ARE YOU NUTS?

    Max: I said grab the wheel. Come on, I have a gun for Christ sake!

    Jack Erickson: You're going to pay for this mister

    Max: [spreads glue on top of the wheel] Now put your chin there

    Jack Erickson: You know this stuff is permanent.

    Max: Do it!

    Jack Erickson: Ohh sh... Hey! I can't drive like this!

    Max: Keep heading south and don't stop driving until you get to Mexico and I'm going to be right behind you the whole time

    [removes the rear view mirror]

    Max: Don't try any funny and I'll blow your butt off, got it?

    Jack Erickson: Yeah I got it, keep driving, no funny stuff, blow butt off.

    Max: [hesitates then answers] Right!

  • Fishman: Sir, would it be ok if we called you Spider?

    Max: Why the h - - would you wanna call me that?

    Gordy: Because it's your nick name.

    Max: Well fine then. Call me Spider!

    Fishman: Spider. Spider. Spider!

    Max: WHAT?

    Fishman: How come your nick name's Spider?

    Max: Because I once killed a kid who called me Spider, one time too many!

    Fishman: Yeah, but how could he call you Spider one time too many if your nick name wasn't already Spider?

  • Max: Watcha making?

    Gordy: It's a crystal-dialed receiver. You know what that is, right?

    Max: Yeah, of course I do. That is a beauty.

    Gordy: That's the toolbox.

  • [scouts singing]

    Max: Alright! Knock it off! What is that? We run and dance and sing and play?

    Gordy: My mom kinda wrote the words.

    Max: Well they suck! Okay?

  • [Boys are peeing off of a ledge]

    Max: Shake your lizards, let 'em drain. Move your hips and...

    Everyone: Spell your name!

    Max: Send it straight, send it hard. Now a sword fight, go...

    Everyone: On guard!

    Max: Eat your veggies, eat your starches. Lean back boys...

    Everyone: Golden arches!

    Max: Alright! Now flip them and zip them and let's get going!

  • [Gordy's hanging from a ledge]

    Max: Hey kid, how's it hanging? Alright, Gordy, I'm coming down to get you.

    Gordy: No! You don't know what you're doing!

    Max: Of course I do! I'm the Lizard! Remember?

    Gordy: You mean the Spider?

    Max: Right.

  • Fishman: Well guys, we gotta start a fire. Better start looking for pinecones.

    Max: Pinecones?

    Fishman: It says in the manual, whenever your camp is surrounded by green wood, always use pinecones to start your fire.

    Max: If the manual told you to stick your wiener in a light-socket, would you do it?

  • [on the phone]

    Marty: Grabelski! What the hell's going on? Some guy on TV said you killed somebody!

    Max: I know, but it's not true. I was set up. I gotta know if there's another package for Timberline Inc., to Reinhart Bragdon.

    Marty: What the hell's Reinhart Bragdon got to do with anything?

    Max: Because that's the guy I killed!

    Marty: Oh, so you did kill somebody.

    Max: No, I told you I was framed!

  • Max: Let me tell you something, honey. There's nothing wrong with being afraid.

    Fishman: Spider, I'm afraid, too.

    Max: Shut up, you gutless worm! I'm talkin' to her!

  • Max: [being stopped by a group of senior citizens walking across with mountain bikes] What is this, a parade?


    Max: Come on! Would you move your wrinkled asses? I'm in a hurry here!

    [old man laughs and waves at him, mocking wave and laugh back]

    Max: Ha ha, I'm gonna run you over!

  • Max: Why do you care, anyway?

    Jesse: If one of your friends was in trouble, wouldn't you try to help him?

    Max: If I could.

    Jesse: My friends are whales.

  • Whaler: So what're you gonna be when you grow up?

    Max: Your boss.

  • Jesse: I'm not a whaler.

    Max: So?

    Jesse: I'm sort of the opposite.

    Max: A whale?

  • Max: A cheeseburger saved your life

    John Wesley: You were right

  • Frankie: I'm not a lesbian. That's your fantasy. I'm heteroflexible.

    Timothy: Ya know, why don't you two just get it on already?

    Frankie: I've tried.

    Timothy: Have you?

    Max: Heteroflexible?

    Frankie: I'm straight, but shit happens.

  • Darla Dimple: I'm the star, you stupid, stupid cat! I should have drowned you all when I FLOODED THE STAGE!

    Darla Dimple: [echoing over the PA] Flooded the stage!... flooded the stage!... flooded the stage!

    Crowd: Darla Dimple! I can't believe it.

    [Darla tries to act sweet, then Pudge opens a trap door under her]

    Darla Dimple: [as she falls down the trap door] MAAAAAAX!

    Max: [on the Darla balloon, floating over Paris] Oui, Miss Dimple?

  • Max: [clenching Danny in his grip] How does the kitty cat go?

    Danny: Meow?

    Max: Very Gooood.

  • Darla Dimple: They like it big, they like it loud / Maybe a little bit jazzy sometimes / Mister Pussycat, listen to me / You don't have to be good, but you had better be...

    Max: Get hot, Miss Dimple.

    Darla Dimple: Big and Loud! / Big and Loud! / Wanna make your mamma proud / Make it big / And / Loud!

  • Darla Dimple: [singing] I didn't get where I am today / By getting myself get pushed around / No man nor beast / Nor kitty cat nor doggie / Is going to bring me down.

    Max: Mwa-ha-ha-ha-ha!

    Darla Dimple: Shut up, Max.

  • L.B. Mammoth: Ah, the recipe for a Darla Dimple movie. Begin with one part adorable character in jeopardy.

    [inside the soundstage, Darla has tied up Pudge]

    Darla Dimple: Sorry, penguin, but in everyone's life, a little rain must fall. Max, man the valves!

    Max: Yes, Miss Dimple.

    [Max opens the water valves]

    L.B. Mammoth: Add two parts perky determination...

    Darla Dimple: More water, Max. More water!

    L.B. Mammoth: Sprinkle in an air of innocence...

    Darla Dimple: Wind, Max! We must have WIND!

    L.B. Mammoth: Stir in with...

    Darla Dimple: More water!

    L.B. Mammoth: Add a pinch of...

    Darla Dimple: Thunder!

    L.B. Mammoth: And an itsy-bisty dash of...

    Darla Dimple: LIGHTNING! Ah-ha-ha-ha!

    L.B. Mammoth: Mix them all together, and what do you get?

    [the stage doors open, revealing a flooded stage which then spills out into the lot]

  • [last lines]

    Father: Come on guys, get ready!

    Laura: What for? Is something wrong?

    Father: Oh, we thought perhaps you'd like to go to the countryside this weekend, to see our old house once more.

    Laura: [gasps in surprise and delight, but runs to window and looks outside] Oh!

    Max: [waves] Hi! Laura!

    Laura: Uh, but, Dad, can we choose another weekend to go out in the countryside?

    Mother: Why's that, then?

    Laura: We've only just got here, Mom. Our new home.

    Tommy: Home.

    [giggles cheerfully]

    Laura: [runs outside as ending theme "Touch the Sky" begins playing] Hey, Max!

  • Max: How many have I had?

    Maid: Two.

    Max: Make it an uneven three.

  • Max: The Von Trapp Family Singers. Here are your names: Liesl, Friedrich, Louisa, Brigitta, Kurt, Marta and Gretl.

    Gretl: Why am I always last?

    Max: Because you are the most important.

  • Max: Friedrich, Gretl, why don't you sing?

    Gretl: I can't, I've got a sore finger.

  • Max: He's got to at least *pretend* to work with these people. You must convince him.

    Maria: I can't ask him to be less than he is.

  • Marta: Can we really keep the puppet show, Uncle Max?

    Max: Of course. Why else do you think I had Professor Cohen send the bill to your father?

  • Max: I like rich people. I like the way they live. I like the way I live when I'm with them.

  • Max: I hope you appreciate the sacrifice I'm making.

    Captain von Trapp: You have no choice.

    Max: I know... That's why I'm making it.

  • Max: What's going to happen's going to happen. Just make sure it doesn't happen to you.

    Captain von Trapp: Max. Don't you *ever* say that again.

    Max: You know I have no political convictions. Can I help it if other people do?

    Captain von Trapp: Oh yes, you can help it. You must help it.

  • Max: Hold on. What's so funny?

    Captain von Trapp: You are, Max. Expensive, but very funny.

  • Max: I shall miss all of you. I shall miss the money I could have made with you!

  • The Baroness: Why didn't you tell me?

    Max: What?

    The Baroness: To bring along my harmonica.

  • [talking about pink lemonade]

    The Baroness: Not too sweet, not too sour.

    Max: Just too, uh... pink.

  • Max: The best thing to do is to get your ass out of here. Best way that you can.

    Billy Hayes: Yeah, but how?

    Max: Catch the midnight express.

    Billy Hayes: But what's that?

    Max: [laughs] Well it's not a train. It's a prison word for... escape. But it doesn't stop around here.

  • Jimmy: The second way out, I need you guy's help, and that's under.

    Billy Hayes: You mean tunnel? Are you serious?

    Max: This is Shagmahr prison, not Stalag 17.

    Jimmy: Well that's where you're wrong fuckface, 'cause it's already built!

  • [Billy, Max and Jimmy are going over blueprints of the prison]

    Jimmy: There's two ways out, I figure. Over the roof, but that's only one person, maybe two. The other way is under.

    Billy Hayes: Tunnel?

    Jimmy: It's already built! There's a basement substructure where they used to keep weapons and stuff, but beneath that there's these old catacombs that the Christians built about a thousand fucking years ago to bury their dead. We're sitting right on top of it - here. The Kraut said there's a whole bunch of hollow sealed shafts sort of like dumbwaiters running along this wall. One of them is right in there, right next to our shower. We can get in there, he says, we can get down into the catacombs. With the three of us working...

    Max: [tapping at the wall] Gotta be here someplace. Thought I heard a couple of dead Christians singing down there.

    Jimmy: Stop shitting me, man!

    Billy Hayes: But how would you get into the shaft, Jimmy?

    Max: I suppose you knock three times and ask for St. Peter.

  • Max: One person always loves more. That's what makes it so difficult. And the one who loves more is vulnerable.

  • Max: [laughs] I can't remember - what religion are you?

    Gustav Mahler: I... am a composer.

  • Max: It was all going to be so perfect, Lucy. Just like one big, happy family. Your boys... and my boys.

    Edgar Frog: Great! The Bloodsucking Brady Bunch!

  • Max: Don't ever invite a vampire into your house, you silly boy. It renders you powerless.

    Sam Emerson: Did you know that?

    Edgar Frog: Of course. Everyone knows that.

  • Max: [reaches for Lucy's hand while strangling Sam] Don't fight, Lucy. It's so much better if you don't fight.

    Sam Emerson: Mom! Mom, no! Don't do it, Mom! Mom, don't do it!

    Lucy Emerson: Sam...

    Sam Emerson: Mom, no!

    [Lucy reluctantly decides to abandon her humanity by taking Max's hand]

    Sam Emerson: Mom, no!

    Lucy Emerson: Sam!

    [Max attempts to bite her]

  • Sam Emerson: I bet you hate garlic, dontcha!

    Max: No, I like garlic! It's just a little much! It's raw garlic.

  • [Max changes into a vampire]

    Max: I still want you, Lucy.

    [he flashes his tongue out and Sam and Lucy scream while the rest gasp]

    Max: I haven't changed my mind about that.

  • Max: [Michael is about to walk out the front door and suddenly sees Max as he's just getting ready to knock] Hey. How you doing? You must be Michael, right?

    Michael Emerson: And you must be Max.

    Max: Right. How are you?

    [they shake hands]

    Max: Well, you're the man of the house and I'm not coming in until you invite me.

    Michael Emerson: You're invited.

    Max: [nods, smiles] Thanks very much.


  • [who will get the last brownie?]

    Anna Scott: Wait, what about me?

    Max: Sorry, you think *you* deserve the brownie?

    Anna Scott: Well a shot at it at least huh?

    William: Well, you'll have to fight me for it, this is a very good brownie.

    Anna Scott: I've been on a diet every day since I was nineteen, which basically means I've been hungry for a decade. I've had a series of not nice boyfriends, one of whom hit me. Ah, and every time I get my heart broken, the newspapers splash it about as though it's entertainment. And it's taken two rather painful operations to get me looking like this.

    Honey: Really?

    Anna Scott: Really. And, one day not long from now, my looks will go, they will discover I can't act and I will become some sad middle-aged woman who looks a bit like someone who was famous for a while.

    Max: [long pause] Nah, nice try gorgeous, but you don't fool anyone.

    William: Pathetic effort to hog the brownie.

  • Keziah: No thanks, I'm a fruitarian.

    Max: I didn't realize that.

    William: And, ahm: what exactly is a fruitarian?

    Keziah: We believe that fruits and vegetables have feelings, so we think cooking is cruel. We only eat things that have already fallen off a tree or bush - that are, in fact, dead already.

    William: Oh, all right. Interesting stuff. So, these carrots...

    Keziah: Have been murdered, yes.

    William: Murdered? Poor carrots. How beastly!

  • Bella: Which way are you going?

    Max: Down Kensington Church Street, then Knightsbridge, then Hyde Park Corner.

    Bella: No, crazy, crazy. Go along Bayswater.

    Honey: That's right. Then Park Lane.

    Bernie: No, straight down to the Cromwell Road, then left.

    Max: [they continue arguing about the best routes to the Ritz, Max finally has enough and screeches to a halt] Stop right there! I will decide the route. All right?

    William: Sorry Max.

    Honey: Sorry Max.

    Max: James Bond never has to put up with this sort of shit.

  • Max: You haven't slept with her, have you?

    William: That is a cheap question and the answer is, of course, no comment.

    Max: "No comment" means "yes."

    William: No it doesn't.

    Max: Do you ever masturbate?

    William: DEFINITELY no comment.

    Max: You see? It means "yes."

  • Max: Let's face facts, this was always a no-win situation. Anna's a goddess, you know what happens to mortals who get involved with gods.

    William: Buggered, is it?

    Max: Every time.

  • William: Max, this is Anna.

    Max: [Smiles politely and shakes hands with Anna] Hello Anna

    [Suddenly comes to a realisation as to whom Anna is]

    Max: Scott!


    Max: [Banging on it] Yup, this puppy's for real all right.

    Gary Wallace: It was an accident. You know it happens.


    Gary Wallace: They're gonna shit egg rolls.

  • Ian: This party's lame, Max!

    Max: What about the girls?

    Ian: Girls, shmirls!

  • [Gary and Wyatt are about to make another woman for Ian and Max are are showing them the blue print for the boobs]

    Max: I feel like an asshole. This had better work.

    Gary Wallace: This is just a blueprint guys, now how do you like it?

    MaxIan: Bigger tits.

    Max: Go! Go! Go!

    Gary Wallace: Give em the knee shooters.

    [Wyatt makes the boobs bigger]

  • Max: What happened?

    Dani: [disgusted, readjusting her witch's hat] A virgin lit the candle.

  • Max: [looking at the salt can] Well, what does it say?

    Allison: Well, it says to form a circle a salt to protect from zombies, witches, and old boyfriends.

    Max: And what about new boyfriends?

  • Billy Butcherson: [to Winifred, after finally freeing his mouth] Wench! Trollop! You buck toothed, mop riding firefly from hell!

    [Winifred yells offensively]

    Billy Butcherson: [happily to Max] I've waited centuries to say that.

    Max: [disgusted] Say what you want; just don't breathe on me!

    Winifred Sanderson: Billy! I killed you once, I shall kill you again, you maggoty malfeasence! Hang on to your heads!

  • Dani: [as they plan to go to the Snaderson house] Max, I'm not going up there. My friends at school told me all about that place. It's weird!

    Max: Dani, this is the girl of my dreams.

    Dani: So take her to the movies like a normal person.

    Max: Dani! Look just do this one thing for me, and I'll do anything you say. Please? Please? Please?

    Dani: Okay, okay. Next year, we go trick-or-treating as Wendy and Peter Pan...

    [looks him straight in the eye]

    Dani: ... with tights or it's no deal.

    Max: [as Dani attempts to leave] Okay, okay, deal, deal.

  • Max: [Over P.A] Welcome to High School Hell. I'm your host, Boris Karloff, Jr. Ha ha ha ha ha!

  • Max: You've messed with the great and powerful Max! Now you must suffer the consequences! I'm going to summon the burning rain of death!

    Winifred SandersonSarahMary Sanderson: [murmuring together] The burning rain of death?

    Max: [lights lighter]

    Winifred Sanderson: Look, he makes fire in his hand.

    Max: [raises lighter to sprinkler, and the spreads out his arms wide]

    Winifred Sanderson: It's the burning rain of death! Come, you fools!

    [pulls them off to the side]

  • Max: [Allison and Dani try attacking Billy] No, no! He's a good zombie.

    Dani: Hi Billy!

  • Dani: Officer! Officer!

    Allison: Officer, we need your help.

    Cop: What's the problem?

    Dani: [to Max] Tell him.

    Allison: Go ahead.

    Max: [nervously] Well, um well, you see I just moved here. Well, you see? It's like this: I I um broke into the old Sanderson house and I brought the witches back from the dead. See, I even have the book.

    Cop: [disapprovingly] You lit the Black Flamed Candle?

    Max: Yeah.

    Cop: Come on. Okay, let's get on the sidewalk.

    Dani: And he's a virgin.

    [the cop stares at them]

    Cop: [to Max] Come here.

    [Max comes closer to him]

    Cop: [whispers] Are you a virgin?

    Max: Yeah.

    Cop: Really?

    Max: Look, I'll get it tattooed on my forehead, okay?

  • Dani: You saved my life.

    Max: I had to. I'm your big brother.

    Dani: I love you, jerkface.

    Max: I love you, too.

  • Jenny: Hey, Max, how was school?

    Max: It sucked!

    Dave: Hey, watch your language.

    [Max goes upstairs and slams his bedroom door]

    Max: I can't believe you made me move here!

    Jenny: Hmm, he wasn't wearing any shoes.

    Dave: Must be some form of protest.

  • Max: [suddenly startled by Dave in a vampire costume] Oh! Dad.

    Dave: It's not Dad. It's Dadcula.

    [see's Allison]

    Dave: Oh, my goodness. Who must this charming young blood donor be?

    [kisses Allison's hand]

    Max: Dad! Something terrible happened.

    Dave: [suddenly concerned] Dani? What's wrong? Wh

    Max: No, Dani's fine.

    Dave: [sighs] Good.

    [to Allison]

    Dave: Excuse me. Come here.

    [he leads Max away]

    Dani: [looks for Jenny, and finds her] Mom?

    [Jenny turns around in a Madonna costume]

    Dani: Mom?

    Jenny: Hmm?

    Dani: What are you supposed to be?

    Jenny: Madonna. Well, you know. Well, obviously. Don't ya think?

    Dave: Shoot, Max. Look, whatever it is, just tell me.

    Dani: [to Jenny] Come here.

    Jenny: What?

    Dani: This cat here, Binx, right? He can talk. My brother's a virgin: he lit the black flame candle. The witches are back from the dead and they're after us. We need help.

    Jenny: How much candy have you had, honey?

    Dani: Mom, I haven't O.D.'d. I haven't even had a piece. They're real witches, they can fly, and they're gonna eat all the kids in Salem. They're real!

    Jenny: All right, let's just find your father.

  • Max: [after Max drinks the vial] Now you have no choice! You'll have to take me!

    [Winifred soars down to Max]

    Winifred Sanderson: What a fool to give us thy life for thy sister's.

  • Jay: So let's have a butt.

    Max: No thanks, I don't smoke.

    Ernie "Ice": They're very health conscious in Los Angeles.

    [Jay and Ice laugh]

    Jay: You got any cash Hollywood?

    Max: No.

    Ernie "Ice": Gee, we don't get any smokes from you. We don't get any cash. What am I supposed to do with my afternoon?

    Max: Maybe you could learn to breathe through your nose.

    Jay: [laughs but stops as Ice offensively glares at him]

  • Max: Let's light this sucker and meet the old broads.

  • Jay: So, where're you from?

    Max: Los Angeles.

    [Jay and Ice look at him with confused looks]

    Max: L.A.

    Jay: [Finally getting it] Oh, dude!

    Ernie "Ice": Tubular.

  • Ernie "Ice": [Jay and Ice are locked in cages] Hollywood, help us out here!

    [Max takes his shoes back from Ice]

    Max: Tubular.

    [Ice whimpers]

  • Max: Are we going to be okay?

    [Omi talks in German]

    Max: What?

    Aunt Dorothy: She said we're fucked!

  • Jordan: We know you still believe in the big fat creeper!

    Max: I don't know what you're talking about!

    Stevie: [pulls up Max's letter to Santa] Are you sure about that?

    Beth Engel: [Max tries to get his letter back and Beth stops him] Stop!

    Stevie: [starts reading Max's letter] Dear Santa, I know I haven't been great this year and I'm sorry for that, but I was really hoping you can help out me and my family this Christmas. We need you! Oh, Maxi Pad. That is so s...

    Beth Engel: [stops Max from getting his letter back] Stop, Max!

    Stevie: Blah blah blah. Bullshit, bullshit. Ah, here we go, Maxi's wishlist!

    Beth Engel: Stevie, stop! That's enough!

    Stevie: Wait, you're up first, Beth!

    [reading the letter]

    Stevie: I wish me and Beth could hang out like we used to.

    [Beth turns her head to Max]

    Stevie: Might've noticed that I don't have tons of friends.

    [Stevie pretends to feel sorry for him and Jordan mockingly smiles at Max]

    Stevie: Oh no, really Max?

    [Jordan laughs and Stevie continues reading the letter]

    Stevie: I wish my Mom and Dad could fall in love again.

    [Tom and Howard look at each other]

    Stevie: I know they get upset a lot with Dad away from home so much. I think they really just miss each other.

    [Linda comes in]

    Stevie: Also, I wish things weren't so hard for Uncle Howard and Aunt Linda.

    [Stevie and Linda look at each other]

    Stevie: So, maybe you can lend them a hand for the rest of the year.

    [turns letter around as Howard and Linda look at each other]

    Stevie: And... and that...

    [angrily facing Max]

    Stevie: Screw you, Dad does not wish we were boys!

    Sarah Engel: [smilingly enters the dining room with carambola] Who wants carambola?

    [Beth turns her head to her mother Sarah and Sarah loses her smile after realizing the situation]

    Max: [angrily gets off his chair to get his letter back] Give me the letter!

    Tom: Hey! Max?

    [Max fights with Stevie and Jordan with the adults talking in the background]

    Howard: [pulls Stevie and Jordan back] Alright, that's enough!

    Tom: You okay? Honey!

    Max: I just wanted Christmas to be like it used to be, but forget it! I hate Christmas! I hate all of you!

    [angrily and tearfully runs up to his room]

    Sarah Engel: Max? Max!

    Aunt Dorothy: Oh, lay off of him!

    [Max slams his bedroom door shut]

    Aunt Dorothy: Kid deserves a prize for telling the truth!

  • Max: I don't even know how to drive a stick. We have a hybrid!

  • Max: I don't get it. Every year it gets worse! Why do we have to put up with their crap just because we share DNA?

    Tom: Because that's what a family is, Max. People you try to be friends with, even when you don't have a lot in common.

    Max: But why?

    Tom: Because... well...


    Tom: Okay, you kind of got me there.

  • Max: There is more to life than to watch other people live it.

  • Max: Spoken like a true cynic.

    Sara: I'm not a cynic, I'm a realist!

    Max: Or a realist masquerading as a cynic who is secretly an optimist.

  • Charlie Hinton: So... what else can we learn about?

    Jamie: Dolphins. Dolphins are good.

    Max: Dolphins are fish!

    Becca: No, they're not!

    Max: Yeah-huh, they live in water!

    Becca: That doesn't mean they're fish!

    Charlie Hinton: Hey, hey, hey... Calm down now. Maybe we should just ask another question here.

    Jamie: ...Where do babies come from?

    Charlie Hinton: Eh, eh... Y'know, why don't we go back to the dolphins, or something other than *that*?

  • Charlie Hinton: Hey, man, how did it go in there?

    Max: ...I missed.

    Charlie Hinton: He heh... what does that mean?

    Max: I missed!

    Charlie Hinton: Oh, hell, no!

  • Charlie Hinton: Ok, you're gonna go out straight for a pass, and I want you to be my blocker. You're gonna come across and cut left and I'll...

    Max: How 'bout we just run in a circle?

    Charlie Hinton: ...Yeah, OK, that's a better idea! How 'bout we just aaaall run in a circle?

  • MaxEvelyn: We will always be together... always and forever

  • Evelyn: Can't we just go back to the way things were?

    Max: You're dead to me.

  • Max: What did I say about using my place for sex?

    Travis: I don't know.

    Max: I said: use your own place.

    Travis: And risk having these chicks know where I live?

  • Travis: I think this is expired.

    Max: Twinkies don't expire.

    Travis: Yeah they do. Every 4 weeks.

    Max: Really?

    Travis: Then they get good again.

  • Max: She's back, she's dead, and she thinks we're still dating!

  • Max: I'll let Evelyn eat me, turn me into one of the living dead, and we can rot unhappily ever after.

  • Max: You ate Travis. You ate my brother.

    Evelyn: Half brother, Max.

  • Evelyn: You broke my heart!

    Max: I know, but it's not beating any more.

  • Maggie: I've decided to embrace the mystery of the universe and stop bossing everybody around so much.

    Max: Good luck with that, bossy pants.

    Tony: He's gonna write a book about us one day and we are *not* gonna look good.

  • [the elder Mr. Gustafson has passed away]

    Max: I knew your old man longer than I knew my own.

    John: He was always very fond of you, Max.

    Max: He was a good man.

    John: The best.

    Max: You know I didn't mean what I said about Melanie.

    John: And you know how I really feel about Jacob.

    Max: Yeah, well, he deserves to be happy.

    John: He deserves Melanie.

    Max: Hmmmm. Well, whaddya wanna do now?

    John: You wanna get drunk?

    Max: Yeah.

  • Max: [to John after Maria dumps spaghetti sauce on them] Do you think we should ask her for some garlic bread?

  • Max: I am the gangster of love

    John: Gangster, huh? So tell me, was it more of a hold up than a stick up?

    Max: Even your infantile penis jokes seem funny and witty this morning.

  • Maria: Ox

    Max: Nag

  • Max: Eat my shorts.

  • [Tv on]

    Geraldo: "Lesbian Bandits" next on "Geraldo"

    Max: Ooooh Lesbians yummy.

  • [after finally catching Catfish Hunter]

    Max: If I die today, I die a happy man.

    John: You die today, I'm taking your motor.

  • Max: [Maria kisses Max after they fall to the ground] Mama mia!

    Maria: Holy moly!

  • Max: [to Walter] Do you realize what you've done? You've taken a woman who loves you, one of the great women in the world and thrown her away. I lost her too, but I will get over it because I am shallow and self-centered. But you, you wont, because you are "complex". You will feel terrible anguish for the rest of your life. This is turning out to be a pretty good day.

  • Max: The union forces me to allow you to go to lunch in spite of the way you've played. Those of you with conscience's will not be able to eat. And those who conscience's match your talents, go stuff yourselves I hope you choke!

  • [Anna is negotiating with Max, for money to repair the house]

    Max: All you want to talk about is money, let's talk about love, and sex... forget love, let's just talk about sex.

  • Max: [taking brush from a painter] UP and DOWN, UP and DOWN! Strong strokes! PAINT! Don't tickle. And don't smoke!

    [steals his cigarette]

  • Max: All Halloween I've been running into someone I used to know.

    Penelope: [wearing a pig mask] This someone - she meant a lot to you?

    Max: Yes, yes she did.

    Penelope: What happened?

    Max: I couldn't give her what she wanted.

    Penelope: What did she want?

    Max: To be free.

  • Max: Good God, he licked me.

    Lemon: Edward.

    Edward Vanderman Jr.: What?

    Lemon: Don't lick Max.

  • Wanda: Wait! He's still a blue-blood! He can break the curse.

    Penelope: Max, I know this face repulses you... And I wouldn't, I wouldn't dream of asking you to accept it.

    Max: No... No... No...

    Penelope: But this isn't me, the real me is inside here somewhere just waiting to get out and you can make that happen and once the curse is broken I'll be just like anybody else.

    Max: What if the curse doesn't get broken? What if the curse can never be broken?

    Penelope: Then I'll kill myself. I promise, I promise I will.

    Penelope: Marry me, Max. Marry me.

    Max: I can't.

    Penelope: Get out.

    Max: I'm...

    Wanda: Get out. Get out.

  • Penelope: Used to? You don't do that anymore? What are you doing instead?

    Max: [after a pause] Beating you at chess.

    Penelope: I warned you I'd kill her.

    Max: Well that's great, because, you know what? As soon as my guys hear what you've done...

    Penelope: The game will be over, your Queen'll be dead.

    Max: My King's still pretty... active. You know?

    Penelope: Once the Queen is dead, the King is useless.

    Max: What's that about?

    Penelope: I don't know. Maybe he's too depressed to fight. He really loved her, you know.

  • Penelope: There are three hundred and twenty-six first editions in that room. Of those, three hundred are worth over fifty thousand, a dozen or so are worth over twenty-five thousand and I'm afraid there's only one that's valued under a hundred.

    Max: Only one, huh?

    Penelope: A little novel, written by a little nobody that never amounted to anything.

    Max: You don't say, under a hundred?

    Penelope: I'm afraid so, and I'm afraid that means that it's time for


    Max: But your favorite just the same.

  • Max: Y'know you inspired me, doing what you did, going off on your own like that.

  • Lemon: Did you have to gamble all night?

    Max: Yeah... still had chips left.

  • Max: She lit a fire in my belly.

    Donna Stern: Oh! Okay. Well, that's called diarrhea.

  • Max: What's on my head, what's on my head, what's' on my head?

    Phoebe North: Jimmy, we found Rainbow!

  • Frank Beardsley: Helen?

    Helen North: Frank?

    Frank Beardsley: Helen?

    Helen North: Frank Beardsley?

    Frank Beardsley: What are you doing here?

    Helen North: Well, I'm having dinner with my...

    Max: Frank. I'm Maxwell Grant.

    Frank Beardsley: Pleased to meet you.

    [to Helen]

    Frank Beardsley: So what are you doing out here? Sit down, sit down, sit down.

    Helen North: Well, I've been back here forever. I didn't want my kids growing up in the whole money, status thing.

    Frank Beardsley: Yeah, that thing.

    Helen North: So are you in town for the reunion?

    Frank Beardsley: No, I... Umm... I moved my family back here. And I'm running the Coast Guard Academy.

    Helen North: Wow.

    Frank Beardsley: I'm an admiral.

    Helen North: Yeah.

    Frank Beardsley: That's why I'm wearing the uniform.

    Helen North: An admiral? Woah. With a family?

    Frank Beardsley: You too. It's great, I mean.

    Helen North: Yeah.

    Max: We're ready.

    Helen North: Okay. Well, it was great to see you again.

    Frank Beardsley: See you.

    Helen North: Okay, bye.

  • Max: [after Helen falls off the chair] Were you distracted by his good conduct, medal?

    Helen North: Shut up, Max!

  • [last lines]

    Megan: He did it!

    Robe: All right, Max!

    Max: [narrating] Yep, I did it. The animal shelter was safe; the bullies were cooked, and Jindraike got fired for fiddling with the budget. As for me and my friends, well, we were just happy the first week of school was over, now we could chill for the rest of the year.

    [Max is riding his bike]

    Evil Ice Cream Man: [to Max] I'll get you, Paper Boy!

    Max: [narrating] Oh, man!

  • Principal Jindraike: You may be under the impression that I encourage horseplay and malarkey, you're wrong, I don't encourage it, I excourage it.

    Max: Excourage?

    Principal Jindraike: It means the opposite of encourage, look it up.

  • Max: I'll see you, uh, bassoon.

  • Max: Do you mind if I hang here for a while, because there's some people after me. I did some stuff. Yeah, you probably... Yeah I'm really sorry about the cafeteria. But Jindraike has no right to do what he's doing, and now my friends are gonna get whaled on because of me, and I can't do anything about it.

    Janitor: Any kid can make a mess. Takes a man to clean it up.

    [leaves, Max sits alone in the janitor's office]

    Max: [narrating] It took a man with a plunger to make me realize that I had to do something. I thought I'd stood up to the bullies, but all I'd really done was hit and run. That's not courage. That's ex-courage.

  • Max: [talking to Jindraike with voiceover effect and pretending to do kung fu] I do not fear your dark powers, bald one.

  • Evil Ice Cream Man: [He jumps from his ice cream truck, and carries two ice cream scoopers, and starts talking as if he is in the old chinese movies] I will defeat you, with my complicated fighting move.

    Max: [the words don't match his mouth] We shall see whose kung fu is superior! HAH!

  • Evil Ice Cream Man: [pulls in front of his bike] We meet again paperboy.


    Max: [narrating] Okay, Evil Ice Cream man, me - You're wondering why, right?

    [Max throws a paper at the Evil Ice Cream Man and pedals off with the Evil Ice Cream Man speeding behind him]

    Max: Well, I found a cockroach in my snowcone, my Mom called the Health department and he got nailed. He's been trying to nail me ever since.

    Evil Ice Cream Man: [as a Police man on a motorcycle follows him] Dang, the Fuzz! This isn't over, paperboy!

    [Cop walks up]

    Evil Ice Cream Man: Hello officer... Snow doodle?

  • Entire Class: [after Troy shows who his latest victim will be] Freak with Robe?

    Robe: [From behind glass] Help! Help! Let me out! let me out!

    Max: [Lets Robe out of the barrier] Now, he's a little claustrophobic, so he might...

    [watches Robe throw up]

    Max: Hurl!

    Robe: What a waste of a perfectly good chili omelet...

    [continues throwing up]

  • Dobbs: Keeble! Caught your act at the assembly. Looks like you can use some help with managing your portfolio.

    [he takes Max's money]

    Max: Hey, that's my lunch money!

    Dobbs: And you have it all in cash. Kid, let me hold this for a while and I'll set you up with a nice mutual fund.

    Mrs. Talia: What's going on here?

    Megan: He's taking Max's lunch money!

    Mrs. Talia: Is this true, Mr. Dobbs?

    Dobbs: No. I'm just spreading some investment wisdom. Speaking of which, how did Biomorph Systems work out for you?

    Mrs. Talia: Best money I ever spent. By the way, what do you think of Handspring?

    Dobbs: Handspring? It's moving today. I'd say buy.

  • [teacher wants Max to write a long essay due Friday]

    Max: Wait. Friday was the day I was moving. And this teacher was mean. She let Dobbs steal my money. She wanted to punish me when it wasn't my fault. But if I wasn't gonna be here, what could she really do to me, right? It was time to take a stand.

  • Max: I uh... I like your tight body. It looks like it would do what I tell it.

    Joan: What?

    Max: I said...

    Joan: No, I heard what you said. And I'll admit 'What?' was a rather banal, cliché, noncolorful response. What I really meant to say was: 'Why don't you do the world a big fat fucking favor and crawl back into your mother's womb?'

  • Max: Some girls like you to say things like that to them.

    Joan: Some girls like you to take a dump on them. I'm neither one of those girls.

  • Julie: Aren't you guys worried about getting caught?

    Max: It's kind of a win-win situation for me.

    Julie: Why?

    Max: I like jail.

  • Max: What are you in for?

    Henry Torne: Bank robbery.

    Max: Nice. Clean, simple. I like it.

    Henry Torne: I didn't do it.

    Max: No, of course not.

  • Max: Are you kidding me? This is your plan? An old cartoon in a pissoir?

    Henry Torne: It's a start.

    Max: No, this is 80 years ago. Wait. I tell you what we do. We do it the old-fashioned way.

    Max: We go in with guns.

    Henry Torne: No guns.

    Max: Why?

    Henry Torne: Someone could get hurt.

    Max: That's very sweet of you, Henry.

  • Max: Where is your car?

    Henry Torne: I don't have a car.

    Max: You don't have a car?

    Henry Torne: I sold it.

    Max: Well, what is the matter with you?

    Max: You come to pick me up and you don't have a car. That is not the way you pick up a person!

    Henry Torne: Yes, it is. I'm here. I'm picking you up.

    Max: Look, I really don't know about this. I think I'm making a pretty big mistake.

    Henry Torne: Look, Max, the bus station's just a short walk.

    Max: Bus station?

    Henry Torne: Don't worry, Max.

  • Max: This is my home.

  • Max: So last time, um... I'm sitting there, and um... the Head of the Board comes and says, "OK, Max, what are you going to do for us this time if we let you out?" I get the old twitch working, and I go..."Well, um... I'm going to break into your house and then I'll kill your dog and set the house on fire. Then I'll dance through your garden naked like some mad, crazed werewolf.And I'll bite and I'll mangle and I'll tear the tongue out of everything that's breathing. Then I'll hurl myself into the sky, the ethereal sky, flaming, like God's darkest angel. And I'll explode into a goddamn heavenly fireball. Boom! You guys wanna see this? l can't wait. Boom". What? What?

    Fellow Prisoner: You scared the shit out of me, I tell you.

  • Henry Torne: [Refers the prison] Hey, Max, maybe you should think about getting out of here.

    Max: Listen. The only thing I ever missed in 23 years is maybe a hot bath. To tell the truth, I don't think that's worth walking out of here for.

  • Julie: What were you in prison for, Max?

    Max: I was a confidence man.

    Julie: You mean a con man?

    Max: I um... l don't like that word. Er, "confidence" is a little more elegant. "Confidence" comes from the Greek "fides", meaning faith and belief.

    Julie: Greek? I thought it was Latin.

    Max: Well, yes, it is... it is now.

    Julie: So, essentially, you make people feel good and then you rip 'em off?

    Max: Yes. But I was always a little better at the feeling good part than I was with the ripping off part, hence jail

  • Max: Who is the boss between you and mommy?

    Lenny Weinrib: Who is the boss? You have to ask that? I'm the boss. Mommy is only the decision maker.

  • Dolly: Wolf Fishbein said, in order to hide the bodies, you ate them!

    Max: So, what are you making a fuss? Some bury, some burn, I ate!

  • Max: [in the diner] Man that chick has got body karate.

    Tang: Hay do you think her tits are real? I hate chicks with fake tits.

    Max: Are you kidding me? Fake tits are the greatest invention of the 20th century. Plus they're safe.

    Chris: Whoa, whoa, whoa, safer?

    Max: Yeah. But do you know that 78% of all chicks that have fake tits involved in boating accidents do not drown.

    Chris: Where do you get this shit?

    Max: It's common knowledge

  • Max: Never go swimming. You'll drown.

  • Max: [in the diner] Did you guys know, that the average penis size is 6.4 inches? And that the average vaginal canal is 7.9 inches.Therefore, in this country alone, there's over 17,000 miles of unused, virgin pussy out there.

  • Max: [in the diner] Man that chick has got body karate.

    Tara: Hay do you think her tits are real? I hate chicks with fake tits.

    Max: Are you kidding me? Fake tits are the greatest invention of the 20th century. Plus their safe.

    Chris: Woe woe woe, safer?

    Max: Yah! But Da you know that 78% of all chicks that have fake tits involved in boating accidents do not drown.

    Danny Doyle: Where do you get this shit?

    Max: It's common knowledge

  • Frannie: [they've just arrived at Hull House] This place used to be a funeral parlor, wasn't it?

    Max: Yes. The biggest one of four counties.

    Judy Cassidy: A funeral parlor way our here?

    Max: Sure, its nice and cozy right next to the old cemetery. And rumor has it that Old Man Hull really loved his clientele. I mean in a carnal sense.

    Jay Jansen: That doesn't surprise me. I once saw a portrait of Mrs. Hull.

    Frannie: I've heard stories about this place ever since I was a kid. The Hull Family met a pretty gruesome end, didn't they?

    Max: Sure did. As a matter of fact it was on Halloween night. One of them went crazy and slaughtered the entire family. Then committed suicide. They could never figure out who did it. Too much blood and guts.

    Frannie: I can't believe we're going to party here.

    Judy Cassidy: [sighs] Neither can I.

  • Frannie: Max, what're you doing?

    Max: I'm just checking out an old legend about this place, come here! Judy, come here, will ya? Come here, listen.

    Judy Cassidy: [uses his stethoscope on the ground by the brick wall sealing off the house] Water!

    Max: Yeah, an underground stream. According to legend it completely surrounds the property, this wall was built right on top of it.

    Jay Jansen: A brick wall on top of an underground stream? Now there's a stroke of engineering genius.

    Max: Well the wall was built to mark the stream, supposedly the evil spirits throughout the land can't cross over running water or something.

  • Frannie: [entering Hull House, sickened by a rancid odor] Whew! Somebody fired the maid!

    Max: Yeah, somebody did. The Hull family maid was killed along with the rest of them. Someone managed to roast her.

    Jay Jansen: Great, barbecued maid. No wonder she didn't keep the place clean.

  • Max: Yeah but even before the first white settlers colonized this area, this strip of land already had a bad rep.

    Jay Jansen: Sure, Max.

    Max: Mm-mm, for centuries the ancient Indian tribes used to live around this area, would NEVER set foot on this side of the underground creek, even back then they said the land was unclean.

    Jay Jansen: Right, Max, and I suppose the ghost of an ancient Indian told you that.

    Max: No, Mrs. Porter down at the library gave me a book about what the early settlers wrote, you cannot believe all the cool shit that used to go on down here.

    Jay Jansen: Yeah, especially since they didn't have any indoor plumbing, right?

    Max: No, really. A young brave got lost and settled here with his family by mistake. Anyway, they found him three weeks later, sitting under a tepee he made of his squaw's intestines, and chewing on the leg of his papoose.

    Frannie: Oh gross!

    Judy Cassidy: I've never heard so many disgusting stories in all my life.

  • Max: [midst of instructions for NY trip] Yes, for expenses and such. Now, you'll be contacted on your pager as to where you should go. You each have been given an extra battery, so there is absolutely no excuse as to why a page would not be immediately returned. Am I making myself abundantly clear?

    Bobby: Yeah.

    Ricky Slade: Yeah.

    Max: You will not carry any other pagers with you. You will not carry anything, for that matter, that I have not just given you.

    Ricky Slade: Keys.

    Max: What?

    Ricky Slade: What about my keys?

    Max: You can carry your keys. You will not mention my name or imply that you are in my employ. You will not speak to anyone while you are working. When you are not working, you are considered to be on call and available twenty four hours a day. This means you will not get drunk or do anything that will prevent you from operating in a professional manner. There is already a number in your pager's memory. It is a car service. When they ask you what account, you will respond: 'Cardiff Giant.' They will pick you up and take you anywhere you need to go. In other words, there is no reason why you should not reach any destination that you will be called upon to reach within fifteen minutes. Do you see a pattern forming?

    Ricky Slade: Yes.

    Bobby: Yes.

    Max: What is it?

    Bobby: You want

    [Max interrupts]

    Max: Not you. I want Ricky to answer.

    Ricky Slade: I get it.

    Max: Tell me.

    Ricky Slade: Don't worry. I get it.

    Max: So tell me how it is.

    Ricky Slade: You want

    [stop in mid sentence]

    Ricky Slade: why are you picking on.

    Max: Because you lost my fucking carpet cleaning van and I don't like you. You cocksucker!

  • Max: I'm too nostalgic. I'll admit it.

    Skippy: We graduated four months ago. What can you possibly be nostalgic for?

    Max: I'm nostalgic for conversations I had yesterday. I've begun reminiscing events before they even occur. I'm reminiscing this right now. I can't go to the bar because I've already looked back on it in my memory... and I didn't have a good time.

  • Max: What I used to able to pass off as a bad summer could now potentially turn into a bad life.

  • Kate: I'm going to be 17 tomorrow.

    Max: Wow, now you can read Seventeen magazine and get all the references.

  • [Otis comes out of the bathroom pulling up his zipper]

    Max: That is a bad habit. You really need to finish that in the bathroom.

  • [With Otis at the airport]

    Max: (To Grover) This is useless. We just have to walk away like mothers in nursery school.

  • Max: That was more of a yield at that stop sign.

    Grover: I broke, thanks.

    Max: No, it was more of a yield.

  • Otis: I put my hand in my mouth after I touched all of that money. Could that be bad?

    Max: Of course. That's how germs are spread.

  • Max: Are you wearing mascara?

    Otis: No... yes.

  • Grover: Gotta go sleep with a freshman.

    Max: Yeah, me too.

  • Max: Is that a pajama top?

    Otis: No... Yes.

  • Max: You have a drinking problem. Get help!

  • [At the airport]

    Max: Don't check your bags, they'll just lose them.

  • Max: I don't need to go to a campus bar to be reminded of my lack of success with a bunch of thrill seeking snotty college kids.

    Skippy: That's us; we're like celebrities to them.

    Max: No, we were celebrities. Now going back would be like doing Hollywood Squares. I'm too nostalgic, I'll admit it.

  • Max: This shouldn't be done. This guy would rather be bow hunting. Don't upset him because he'd already rather be bow hunting and any additional aggravation...

  • Max: [to Jeff] What you and Ann could have, that could be the real thing. Me and Beth, I mean... come on. As soon as we're done, I'm moving on.

    Beth: [from other side of the door] I heard that.

    Max: You okay?

    Beth: Yeah, I'm fine... with it.

    Max: She's fine.

  • Max: Maintenance and deliveries... that's my job.

  • Max: If love is a battlefield, this is the front line.

  • Max: Polly, listen to me, the careers and lives of all these boys and girls are depending on you. I'm not asking for myself, but, do it - for them.

  • Max: Now, Polly! Listen to me! You're going out there as a youngster, you've got to come back - a star! Now get out there and do your damndest!

  • Max: Eyes and teeth! Eyes and teeth!

  • Max: Do what Ruby Keeler would do!

  • Max: Now, girls, I want you all to do your best and tell the boys I haven't time. Tell them to dance like Nijinsky!

  • Max: My father... sent me to a survival camp in the Philippines when I was nine. They, uh, dropped me in the jungle in the middle of a monsoon. I had to survive for seven days.

    Penelope Pendleton: Your father did that to you?

    Max: It was my birthday.

  • Jane: I don't believe it! Mom threw you out and moved a friend in? When?

    Max: This afternoon?

    [tapping his watch]

    Max: thirteen hundred and twenty hours.

    Jane: What's his name?

    Max: His name? His name is Shirley. Shirley Levine. That's right! Your mother, age 64 has joined The Sun City Gay Liberation Movement.

    Jane: But that's impossible. All I ever remember Mom telling me was how much she loved you, and that she would never look another man. Of course she never did mention another woman.

  • Max: Cake me!

  • Max: A woman is nature's finest jewel.

  • Dr. Deere: Ah, Maximilian, how very good of you to be so punctual!

    Max: The name is Vandeveer. I don't wish to be on first name terms with anyone who's had their fingers up my rectum.

  • Max: [Berating a subordinate] What next, the 'Andes Plane Crash Cookbook'?

  • Max: I knew that divorce was too good to last!

  • Max: [to Dr. Deere, about being dangerously overweight] Cut down? I am what I am precisely because I've eaten my way to the top! I'm a work of art, created by the finest chefs in the world. Every fold is a brush stroke! Every crease a sonnet! Every chin a concerto! In short doctor darling, in my present form, I'm a masterpiece!

  • Max: Don't tell me another cook has been murdered! Who is it this time, Aunt Jemima?

  • Max: Won't it be fun, just the two of us in my kitchen!

    Robby Ross: There's the three of us.

    Max: [speaking to Natasha] So much for the fun.

  • Zack: [asking for advice on poker hand] Max?

    Max: No! Not with the moon in Pluto.

  • Max: Goooood morning! It's a bright new day aboard the good ship Vertigo! The time is 8:30 in the a.m. The weather outside is a brisk 200 degrees below zero.

  • Captain Jamieson: Max, can you pinpoint this thing precisely for us?

    Max: Not a chance.

    Captain Jamieson: Max, don't be a stiff! Now, are there foreign bodies on this spacecraft?

    Max: Well, let me see...

    [the Creature appears on a monitor]

    Max: There he is! Ugly, isn't he?

  • Annie McHugh: Max, I need you to do me a favor.

    Max: Max has the facts!

    Annie McHugh: Come on, Max, this is no time for you to be a little snot. We're going to need your help.

    Max: You want the facts? Just ask Max!

  • Yous: You know the code of the street, don't ya?

    Max: I don't know the code of the street, I live in a lane.

    [own translation]

  • Lieutenant Niki: Do you know whom she reminds me of? Your wife.

    Max: Oh, wait a minute! Oh, this girl is beautiful!

    Lieutenant Niki: See, here.

    Max: No, no, no, you're crazy.

    Lieutenant Niki: Just picture your wife - fifteen years younger, twenty pounds lighter, her hair dyed, her nose operated on. The same girl.

  • Max: Oh, she's so beautiful! And what a figure she has! Mmmm. And Niki, you should see her fingers. Oh, she has the daintiest little fingers! She plays the violin, you know.

    Lieutenant Niki: What does she do?

    Max: She plays the violin. And how! She's the leader of a girls band in a beer garden. I've just come from there. Oh, Niki, Niki I've got to meet her! Oh, but, I've got to be so careful because I'm a married man.

  • Max: I never got to properly... well, thank you for having sex with me all this time.

    Maude: Sir, it was a pleasure.

    Max: It meant a lot having sex with you.

    Maude: That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.

  • Vincent: Max, six billion people on the planet, you're getting bent out of shape cause of one fat guy.

    Max: Well, who was he?

    Vincent: What do you care? Have you ever heard of Rwanda?

    Max: Yes, I know Rwanda.

    Vincent: Well, tens of thousands killed before sundown. Nobody's killed people that fast since Nagasaki and Hiroshima. Did you bat an eye, Max?

    Max: What?

    Vincent: Did you join Amnesty International, Oxfam, Save the Whales, Greenpeace, or something? No. I off one fat Angelino and you throw a hissy fit.

    Max: Man, I don't know any Rwandans.

    Vincent: You don't know the guy in the trunk, either.

  • Vincent: Look in the mirror. Paper towels, clean cab. Limo company some day. How much you got saved?

    Max: That ain't any of your business.

    Vincent: Someday? Someday my dream will come? One night you will wake up and discover it never happened. It's all turned around on you. It never will. Suddenly you are old. Didn't happen, and it never will, because you were never going to do it anyway. You'll push it into memory and then zone out in your barco lounger, being hypnotized by daytime TV for the rest of your life. Don't you talk to me about murder. All it ever took was a down payment on a Lincoln town car. That girl,you can't even call that girl. What the fuck are you still doing driving a cab?

  • Vincent: Okay, look, here's the deal. Man, you were gonna drive me around tonight, never be the wiser, but El Gordo got in front of a window, did his high dive, we're into Plan B. Still breathing? Now we gotta make the best of it, improvise, adapt to the environment, Darwin, shit happens, I Ching, whatever man, we gotta roll with it.

    Max: I Ching? What are you talking about, man? You threw a man out of a window.

    Vincent: I didn't throw him. He *fell*

    Max: Well what did he do to you?

    Vincent: What?

    Max: What did he do to *you*?

    Vincent: Nothing. I only met him tonight.

    Max: You just met him once and you killed him like that?

    Vincent: What? I should only kill people after I get to know them?

  • Vincent: They project onto you their flaws, what they don't like about themselves. I had a father like that.

    Max: Mothers are worse.

    Vincent: Wouldn't know. My mother died before I remember her.

    Max: What about your father?

    Vincent: Hated everything I did. Got drunk, beat me up. In and out of foster homes, that kinda thing.

    Max: And then?

    Vincent: I killed him. I was twelve.

    [pauses, then laughs]

    Vincent: I'm kidding. He died of liver disease.

    Max: Well, I'm sorry.

    Vincent: No, you're not.

  • Max: I can't drive you around while you're killing folks. It ain't my job!

    Vincent: Tonight it is.

  • Vincent: There's no good reason, there's no bad reason to live or to die.

    Max: Then what are you?

    Vincent: I'm indifferent.

  • [after Vincent and Max load a corpse into the cab's trunk]

    Vincent: Lets go.

    Max: Hey, why don't you just take the cab?

    Vincent: Take the cab?

    Max: Yeah, you take it. I'll - I'll chill. I'll - I'll just chill. They don't even know who's driving these things half the time anyway. They never check or anything. Okay... so... just - just take it. You, me...

    Vincent: You promise not to tell anybody right?

    Max: Yeah... yeah... yeah... promise.

    Vincent: Get in the fucking car.

  • Max: Hey.


    Max: He, he, he fell on the cab. He fell, he fell from up there on the motherfucking cab. Shit. I think he's dead.

    Vincent: Good guess.

    Max: You killed him?

    Vincent: No, I shot him. Bullets and the fall killed him.

  • Max: First time in L.A.?

    Vincent: No. Tell you the truth, whenever I'm here I can't wait to leave. It's too sprawled out, disconnected. You know? That's me. You like it?

    Max: It's my home.

    Vincent: 17 million people. This was a country, it'd be the fifth biggest economy in the world and nobody knows each other. I read about this guy, gets on the MTA here, dies.

    Max: Oh.

    Vincent: Six hours he's riding the subway before anybody notices his corpse doing laps around L.A., people on and off sitting next to him. Nobody notices.

  • Max: You're full of shit.

    Vincent: I'm full of shit? You're a monument of it. You even bullshitted yourself, all I am is taking out the garbage, killing bad people.

    Max: Yeah, well that's what you said.

    Vincent: You believed me?

    Max: Then what'd they do?

    Vincent: How do I know, you know? They all got that 'witness for the prosecution' look to me. Probably some major federal indictment of somebody who majorly does not want to get indicted.

  • Annie: Well, how many cabbies do you know get you into an argument to save you money?

    Max: If there were two of us I'd have to kill the other one. I don't like competition.

  • Vincent: [Visiting Ida] Hey! Flowers?

    Max: It's a waste of money. Won't mean a thing to her.

    Vincent: [Staring him down] She carried you in her womb for nine months. People buy flowers. Buy flowers.

  • Max: I'm not taking you to see my mother.

    Vincent: Since when was any of this negotiable?

  • Vincent: You're alive. I saved you. Do I get any thanks? No. All you can do is clam up. You wanna talk? Tell me to fuck off?

    Max: Fuck off.

  • [Max is on the radio dispatch with his boss, Lenny]

    Max: Yeah, Lenny, what's up? It's me.

    Lenny: Just got off the phone with the cops. Desk sergeant called to check if you brought the cab in?

    Max: Yeah, so?

    Lenny: So, aside from I hate talking to cops, they tell me you crashed the goddamn cab?

    Max: No, no, I got crashed into. I didn't...

    Lenny: Do I care what, where, why? You're paying.

    [Vincent is trying to think of what Max should say next]

    Vincent: [to Max] It was an accident. You're not liable.

    Max: It was an accident. I'm not liable.

    Lenny: Bullshit. I'm making you liable. It's coming out of your goddamn pocket.

    Vincent: [to Max] You tell him to stick this cab up his fat ass.

    Max: I can't do that, that's my boss.

    Vincent: So?

    Max: I need my job.

    Vincent: No, you don't.

  • Felix: Do you believe in Santa Claus?

    Max: No.

    Felix: Nor do I. Nor do I, but my children do. They are still small. But do you know who they like even better than Santa Claus? His helper, Pedro el Negro. Black Peter. There's an old Mexican tale that tells of how Santa Claus got so very busy looking out for the good children that he had to hire some help to look out for the bad children. So he hired Pedro. And Santa Claus gave him a list with all the names of all the bad children. And Pedro would come every night to check them out. And the people, the little kids that were misbehaving, that were not saying their prayers, Pedro would leave a little toy donkey on their window. A little burro. And he would come back, and if the children were still misbehaving, Pedro would take them away, and nobody would ever see them again. Now, if I am being Santa Claus, and you are Pedro, how do you think jolly Santa Claus would feel if one day Pedro came into his office and said, 'I lost the list.' How fucking furious do you think he will get?

    Max: I think... I think you should tell the guy standing behind me to put his gun away.

    Felix: What?

    Max: I said, I think you should tell him to put the gun down before I rip it out of his hand and beat his bitch-ass to death with it.

  • Max: Why didn't you just kill me and get another cab driver?

    Vincent: Cause you're good. We're in this together. Fates intertwined. Cosmic Coincidence.

  • [preparing to impersonate Vincent and meet with his bosses]

    Max: How long have you been doing this? In case anyone asks?

    Vincent: Private sector? Six years.

    Max: Uh... you get health benefits? Pension...?

    Vincent: No, and no paid vacation. Quit stalling, and get in there.

  • Traffic Cop #2: Hey, is this blood up here on your windshield?

    Max: Yeah, uh, yeah. I hit a deer.

    Traffic Cop #1: You hit a deer?

    Max: Yeah, over on, uh, it was on Slauson.

    Traffic Cop #1: A South Central deer?

  • Max: The fat man, the penthouse guy, the jazz man. That leaves two.

    Felix: Can you finish?

    Max: In six years, when have I not?

  • Annie: ...Go Ahead. Say it.

    Max: Say what?

    Annie: No, say it. You we're right, your way was faster.

    Max: Ah, I got lucky with the lights.

  • [over the dispatch system]

    Lenny: Still there? I'm talking to you. Max. Max!

    Vincent: He's not paying you a damn thing.

    Lenny: Who the hell is this?

    Vincent: Albert Ricardo, Assistant U.S. Attorney, a passenger in this cab, and I'm reporting you to the D.M.V.

    Lenny: Let's not, oh, let's not get excited.

    Vincent: Not get excited? How am I supposed to not get excited? Listen, you try to extort a working man. You know goddamn well your collision policy and general liability umbrella will cover the damages. And what are you trying to pull, you sarcastic prick?

    Lenny: Look, I was just trying to...

    Vincent: Tell it to him.

    [to Max]

    Vincent: Tell him he's an asshole. Go ahead.

    Max: [to Lenny] You're an asshole.

    Vincent: Tell him he pulls this shit again, you're gonna stick this yellow cab up his fat ass.

    Max: [to Lenny] And, and next time you pull any shit, I'm gonna... I'm gonna have to stick this yellow cab up... up your fat ass.

  • Max: [about Vincent] Definitely not from around here.

  • Max: [after seeing the guy fall on his cab's roof] My man, you all right?

  • Vincent: Limos, huh?

    Max: Don't start.

    Vincent: Hey, I'm not the one lying to my mother.

    Max: She hears what she wants to hear. I don't disillusion her.

    Vincent: Yeah, right. Maybe she hears what you tell her.

    Max: Whatever I tell her is never good enough anyway. It's always been that way. So whats at El Rodeo?

    Vincent: Just drive.

    Vincent: They project onto you their flaws. What they don't like about themselves, their lives, whatever. They rank on you instead.

    Max: How do you know?"

  • Vincent: Lady Macbeth. Leave the seats. The light's green. We're sitting here.

    Max: [a car horn honks behind Max. The car whips around them to get through the intersection] Asshole!

    Vincent: You no longer have the cleanest cab in La-La Land. You gotta live with that. Focus on the job. Drive.

  • Vincent: You got ten minutes. 10:01? I drive the cab to the hospital and execute your mother on my way out of town, and don't pretend indifference.

    Max: I can't do this.

  • Max: I picked up a tail.

    Felix: Federal?

    Max: I don't know. You tell me. But I know this, they were onto me. I tossed the workup lists to cover your hermes faconable ass.

  • Vincent: What's your name?

    Max: Max.

    Vincent: Max. I'm Vincent.

  • Felix: Now you're here. Why?

    Max: I lost my stuff. The list.

    Felix: I want you to listen to me real well. Special groups put together the list of dedos.

    Max: Dedos?

    Felix: Fingers, informants. Signal interceptions with voice-recognition software, surveillance. A very expensive counter-intelligence worked up that list. An important list, wouldn't you say? And you lost it?

    Max: Yeah, I'm sorry. Sorry.

    Felix: Sorry? 'Sorry' does not put Humpty Dumpty back together again.

  • Max: I brought you flowers.

    Ida: What'm I do with flowers?

    Max: Cheer up.

    Ida: How? By worrying that you spend money on stuff that's just gon' wilt and die?

    Max: [to Vincent] See what I mean? I didn't buy you flowers, Mom. He did.

  • Max: How do you like being a lawyer?

    Annie: What are you, psychic?

    Max: Little bit. There's the dark pin-stripe suit, elegant, not too flashy, that rules out advertising, plus a top-drawer briefcase that you live out of. And the purse. A Bottega. Anyway, a man gets in my cab with a sword, I figure he's a sushi chef. You: Clarence Darrow.

  • Max: [right before he crashes the cab, to Vincent] Go fuck yourself.

  • Felix: What do you think?

    Max: I think...

    [Max sees one of Felix's bodyguard draw his gun out]

    Max: I think you should you should tell that guy behind me to put his gun down.

    Felix: What?

    Max: I said I think you should tell that guy behind me to put his gun down, before I take it and beat his bitch ass with it.

  • Max: [In the dark] Let her go.

    Vincent: Max? Why? What are you gonna do about it?

    [He gets shot]

  • Sergeant: Put your gun down!

    Max: Get back put your hands down! Look,I gotta go!

    Sergeant: Put down the gun!

    Max: Stop moving! Stop moving. When did this become a negotiation?

    [Max makes the sergeant cuff himself to the crashed cab]

    Max: Clap your hands together. Hold your hands together. Listen, somebody's gonna get killed if I don't go right now. Now cuff yourself. I'm going to Sixth and Fig. Call the cops.

  • Max: What's with you, man?

    Vincent: As in?

    Max: As in, if somebody had a gun to your head and said, "You gotta tell me what's going on with this person over here or I'm gonna kill you. What is driving him? What is he thinking?" You know, you couldn't do it, could you? Because they would have to kill your ass because you don't know what anyone else is thinking. I think you're low, my brother. Way low.

  • Vincent: [Max and Vincent have pulled up outside El Rodeo, an LA nightclub] Give me your wallet. Come on.

    Max: Give you my wallet. For what?

    Vincent: I'll hold it for you in case the people inside search you.

    Max: Who's searching?

    Vincent: The people inside. Go in, ask for Felix. He's expecting you.

    Max: Felix?

    Vincent: Yeah.

    Max: What does he look like?

    Vincent: I don't know. I've never met him.

    Max: Who is he?

    Vincent: He's connected to the guys who hired me.

    Max: I don't get it.

    Vincent: You destroyed my workups. Number Four is due. What'd you think? The night's over? Called on account of rain? You go in there. Say you're me. Score the backups. They'll be on flash drive or CD.

    Max: Me? How come you don't go?

    Vincent: I don't meet people. Risk management. Anonymity. I protect mine. You're not gonna' screw that up. I got a contract with they're bosses. These guys don't get to meet me. They don't know what I look like.

    Max: [hesitating] If I don't pull it off, then...

    Vincent: They will kill you. Now, you've got ten minutes. At 10:01 I drive to the hospital and execute your mother on my way out of town. And don't pretend indifference.

    Max: I can't do this. I can't.

    Vincent: What are you talking about? Sure you can, man. Come on. Hey! Hey!

    Max: Look, man. If I do this, I'm just gonna end up getting other people killed.

    Vincent: Out of options, Max. Just take comfort in knowing you never had a choice.

    Max: How long have you been doing this?

    Vincent: Why?

    Max: Just in case they ask.

    Vincent: Private sector, six years.

  • Max: Okay. All right. Six years. You get benefits? Or, you know, like insurance? Pension?

    Vincent: No, no paid sick leave. Quit stalling. Get out of the cab.

  • Noodles: It's true I have killed people, Mr. Bailey. Sometimes to defend myself, sometimes for money. And many people used to come to us. Business partners, rivals, lovers. Some of the jobs we took, and some we didn't. Yours is one we would never touch, Mr Bailey.

    Max: Is this your idea of revenge?

    Noodles: No. It's just the way I see things.

  • [after Joe is executed]

    Max: You okay?

    Noodles: How come you didn't tell me?

    Max: Being inside can change you. I'd already made the deal with Frankie to get rid of Joe. With a man like Frankie Minaldi you don't say yes, and then no. I could not take the chance that you'd change your mind. You understand.

    Noodles: You're right. I would have said no.

    Max: Frankie is as big as they come. He's got the Combination in his hand.

    Noodles: If we're not careful, he'll have us in his hand.

    Max: You don't get nowhere alone.

    Noodles: I thought you didn't like bosses. It sounded like a good idea then. It still is.

    Max: Let's just think about it, Noodles. They're gonna ask us to come in with them. There's a lot in it for us...

    Noodles: Today they asked us to get rid of Joe, tomorrow they ask me to get rid of you. Is that okay with you? 'Cause it's not okay with me!

    Max: All right! let's just forget about it...

  • Max: You'll be carrying the stink of the streets with you for the rest of your life!

    Noodles: I like the stink of the streets. It makes me feel good. And I like the smell of it, it opens up my lungs. And it gives me a hard-on.

  • Frankie Minaldi: Hey, Joe, tell these guys the story about the pussy being insured. What is it? Tell these guys how you stumbled on this whole thing. Tell them the story. Come on. Pussy insurance, the insurance pussies. Tell them that story.

    Joe Minaldi: Life is stranger than shit, that's all. It's a pisser. No big story. I got this insurance agent, this Jew kid named David. He conned me into every policy in the world. Every policy, name it, dogs, house, wife, life, anything. I'm drinking with the boys one night. He comes in with his wife, a brunette with a nice ass who works for a jeweller. And he's still on the hustle, this guy. So I wink at the guys, I say, "Look... the most serious policy, you don't have me covered for." He goes, "What's that, Joe?" "Cock insurance. You make me a policy that when it don't work, I get a payment. I'll write out a check now." He thinks, and he says, "I don't know if the actuality gauges govern this... but we can make a policy. But you gotta guarantee you're in good health now." I says, "Look, leave her with me. Come back and see if it stands up. If it stands up, you know I'm in good health." The jerk leaves her. I screw her. Not only that, she likes it. And she tells me when her boss, the jeweller is shipping stones to Holland, where he keeps his stash - in a drawer in the safe - everything! Can't ask for more, right? Except, one better. I never paid the first premium on the new cock policy.

    Max: [laughing] Cock insurance...

    Joe Minaldi: Life is funnier than shit. But... be easy with the girl. I mean that. Be easy with the girl.

  • [In 1931, Max picks up a just-released Noodles in a hearse]

    Max: We got a rush job. Here. Come here, look at this. Come here.

    [gestures to the back of the hearse]

    Max: Sudden death. Fucking tragedy, huh? 26 years old.

    Noodles: 26? What a shame!

    Max: Great stiff. She died of an overdose.

    Girl in Coffin: [sitting up] And I'm ready for another!

    Max: [pushes Noodles into the hearse] Pump the life into her! You didn't turn pansy in there, did you?... There you go!

    [Max starts the hearse and looks at some people surprised at the noises coming from the hearse]

    Max: Turning over in the grave, they do it every time...!

    [the hearse parks in front of Fat Moe's diner at night]

    Girl in Coffin: [exhausted] Don't worry. A pansy he ain't.

    Noodles: Thanks.

  • [in 1931, Noodles meets Deborah]

    Deborah Gelly: Aren't you going to say hello?

    Noodles: Hello.

    [Moe cues a band to play the "Amapola" tune]

    Noodles: Your brother's a real friend. He's a romantic. Max tell you I was getting out today?

    Deborah Gelly: Max? No.

    Noodles: You remembered yourself?

    Deborah Gelly: No, Moe, it's always Moe.

    Noodles: Yeah. You weren't counting the days?

    Deborah Gelly: Of course I was. 4344, 4343... I lost track at 3000.

    Noodles: That wasn't my choice. Yes, it was. It still is. Did you come here to welcome me back at least?

    Deborah Gelly: I still live here. I was on my way out, Moe said I should say hello.

    Noodles: I hope Moe didn't have to bend your arm or anything.

    Deborah Gelly: No. Welcome back, Noodles.

    Max: [calling] Hey, Noodles!

    Noodles: You dancing?

    Deborah Gelly: Every night at the Palace Theatre. I've made some progress since I danced here among the brooms and the empties. You can come spy on me if you like... if you have time.

    Noodles: Every night.

    Max: Noodles!

    Deborah Gelly: Go on, Noodles, your mother's calling you.

    Deborah Gelly: It's good to see you again, Noodles.


    Noodles: my pleasure...

  • Noodles: Let's go for a swim...

    [accelerates the car down the pier]

    Max: All right, what are you doing?

    Philip 'Cockeye' Stein: Hey, Noodles... Don't fuck around, Noodles!

    Max: Noodles, what are you doing?

    Patrick 'Patsy' Goldberg: HEY! You crazy?

    [Noodles drives the car off the pier into the water]


  • [after switching Aiello's baby boy]

    Max: So?

    Noodles: We got a deal.

    Max: To a very smooth talker.

    [the gang cheers]

    Noodles: Where's that switch list?

    Patrick 'Patsy' Goldberg: The switch list?

    Noodles: Yeah.

    Patrick 'Patsy' Goldberg: I can't find it.

    Max: What?

    Patrick 'Patsy' Goldberg: I can't find it!

    Noodles: What'd you do with it?

    Patrick 'Patsy' Goldberg: I think I dumped it.

    Max: What a yutz!

    Noodles: Oh, Pat...

    Patrick 'Patsy' Goldberg: Wait a minute, listen... Listen, Noodles. Noodles, wait, I remember... the boys' numbers was odd... even! And the girls' was odd!

    Philip 'Cockeye' Stein: [sardonic] You took good stock.

    Noodles: Hey, let's give him an even number. Eight... let's pick an eight.

    Patrick 'Patsy' Goldberg: Eight... yeah, it's a good number.

    Philip 'Cockeye' Stein: Wait, what about the other pischers?

    Max: We're better than fate. Some we give the good life, others we give it up the ass.

  • Carol: [looking at Noodles] Why don't we make it a threesome, huh?

    Max: Can't you see he's got other plans for tonight?

    Carol: Well, bring her along! We'll make it a foursome!

    Noodles: I'm not that kind of guy. Besides, I'm afraid if I give you a good crack in the mouth, you'd probably like it...

  • Max: While you were on vacation, we were working overtime. The union paid off. That's your share.

    Philip 'Cockeye' Stein: Yeah. Even that geek, you know, Jimmy "Clean Hands," he respects us. I shed a little blood for the cause.

    Fat Moe: [handing newspapers to Noodles] Here, it's all in the papers. Morning Telegraph, they didn't like it, it says, "Underworld joins strikers in brutal battle." But the Post, they liked it: "Ends justify means in decisive gangland encounter." And they kvetched about the Atlantic City job.

    Philip 'Cockeye' Stein: Newspaper guys never know what the fuck they want.

    Noodles: Well, you could have looked for me.

    Max: We did. Cockeye found you at the Chink's, so doped up you didn't even recognize him.

    Philip 'Cockeye' Stein: There you were. You called me "Deborah."

    Noodles: Go fuck yourself! Mind your own business!

    Max: We do our business TOGETHER, and broads do NOT get in the way... and you know it!

    Noodles: Yeah?

    Max: Yeah!

    Noodles: [indicating Carol] What's SHE doing here? It ain't Saturday. She should be screwing in Detroit.

    Carol: Well, she's screwing HERE now - and ONLY with Max!

    Noodles: Oh, yeah? With her husband peeping through?

    Carol: No, I left him.

    Noodles: You live with her and you tell ME not to mess with broads...

    Max: You forget one thing.

    Noodles: What?

    Max: I don't give a fuck about her!

    Carol: Max...

    Max: Shut up! Shut up!

    Noodles: Hey, Maxie, tell me something. What'll you spend your honeymoon on, a cathouse?

    Max: Shut the fuck up! Shut up! Just shut up! You want me to dump her? You want me to kick her fucking ass out of here? Want me to kick her ass out or what? You want me to kick...? Get the fuck out! Get the fuck out! Get out! Gonna tell me I don't have a way with women?

  • Sharkey: You boys got yourself a real martyr for a friend. Make it work for you.

    Patrick 'Patsy' Goldberg: Yeah, but what are we going to do with a martyr?

    Sharkey: Times change. Prohibition won't last much longer. Take it from me, a lot of you will be out of work.

    Max: Go on, Mr. Sharkey. We're interested.

    Sharkey: You ever think of setting yourselves up in business? All those trucks used to haul liquor, soon be selling them for nothing. I'm talking about hundreds of vehicles controlled by a national organization. And supported by a powerful union headed by Jimmy. Whatever you ask, there's no way he can turn you down.

    Philip 'Cockeye' Stein: You gotta be kidding, Sharkey! Jimmy "Clean Hands" in business with US?

    Sharkey: They won't be clean for long, with the hands he'll shake. Everything in good time.

    Noodles: We're not interested.

  • [Prohibition is repealed]

    Noodles: Hey, Maxie. Max! How much money we got put away?

    Max: Why?

    Noodles: Because we're unemployed.

    Max: About a million bucks.

    Carol: Oh, yeah? Where'd you put it?

    Max: In my underwear.

    Carol: I'd have found it there...

  • Max: Holy shit! Noodles! Noodles! Come here, come here. Look, the blond by the piano...

    [points at Carol]

    Noodles: Who's that?

    Max: Who is that? You and this broad were practically engaged at one point!

  • Max: You know, I've been watching you all night, and you've been drinking like a fish. Trying to get your courage up? We're only bringing in a shipment of booze, it's got so you're even scared to do that. Maybe you just better stay home tonight, with Eve.

    Noodles: Hey, Maxie, everywhere you go, I go too. Remember that.

    Max: Maybe Sharkey was right. Maybe I ought to just dump you.

    Noodles: You're really crazy.

    Max: Never say that. Don't say it!

  • [Peggy introduces the gang to Carol]

    Peggy: You know these guys?

    Carol: [looking at their faces] No, I don't think so. No. No, I'd remember a bunch of good-lookers like these.

    [the gang ties bandanas around their faces]

    Carol: Oh... well, how could I forget? There was... there was only one of you I got to know personally, though.

    Max: Which one? Let's see how good a memory you've got for faces.

    [They unbotton their flies, and a delighted Carol takes a long look at the four men in front of her]

    Carol: [to Max] You!

    Max: No, him.

    [gestures to Max]

    Noodles: We've been hanging out so long we're starting to look alike.

    Max: Hanging out...

    Carol: Charmed. You can call me Carol. We've already met. Pleasure.

    Max: The pleasure... is all mine.

    [kisses Carol]

  • [In 1931, Max greets Noodles, who has just gotten out after 10 years in prison]

    Max: Can I take that for you, sir? Your limousine is waiting.

    [takes Noodles' bag]

    Noodles: Maxie...

    Max: You're looking good.

    Noodles: You're looking a little better.

  • [Noodles is raping Carol]

    Max: We're going, you coming?

  • Patrick 'Patsy' Goldberg: Hey, Noodles, get a load of this... Hey, scotch heating!

    Philip 'Cockeye' Stein: Yeah, a buck a cup.

    Noodles: A buck a cup?

    Max: Yeah!

    Noodles: How much's it cost us?

    Max: Costing us? A dime, including overhead!

  • James Conway O'Donnell: Who are you? Who's paying you?

    Philip 'Cockeye' Stein: I think this is gonna piss you off, Mac. I think it's those dirty politician friends of yours.

    James Conway O'Donnell: Yeah? Well, you crawl back and tell 'em we don't want you in with us. Our fight's got nothing to do with liquor and prostitution and dope.

    Max: Well, you'd better get used to the idea, pal. This country is still growing up. Certain diseases it's better to have when you're still young.

    James Conway O'Donnell: You boys ain't a mild case of the measles. You're the plague.

    [points at Crowning]

    James Conway O'Donnell: And bastards like HIM are immune. That's the difference between us and them!

    [Noodles puts Jimmy's coat on him, making him flinch]

    Noodles: Take it easy! The difference is, they're always gonna win. And you're gonna keep gettin' it up the ass.

    Crowning: Sooner than you think.

  • Patrick 'Patsy' Goldberg: [Patsy and Max have Crowning at gunpoint and are trying to get Chicken Joe and Willie the Ape to release O'Donnell] Just swapping prisoners.

    Philip 'Cockeye' Stein: Fair trade, huh, chickenhead?

    [Chicken Joe turns and sees Cockeye and Noodles standing to his right]

    Philip 'Cockeye' Stein: Union boy over here, for Mister Boss Man.

    Chicken Joe: Well, look who's here - Fat Moe's boneyard boys!

    Max: Which reminds me... how's that cancer in your gut comin' along, Chicken Joe?

  • Noodles: We gotta reorganize, Max. And I got a couple of good ideas...

    Max: Me too.

    Eve: If I had a million bucks, I'd take it easy.

    Max: We'll take it easy when we got twenty... fifty!

    Noodles: Where're you gonna get THAT?

    Max: Right here...

    [draws a diagram in the sand]

    Noodles: What's that?

    Max: It's a dream. A dream I've been dreaming all my life. I swear to God, you and me together, we can make it come true!

    Noodles: What is it?

    Max: The Federal Reserve Bank. It's the biggest step we can take, Noodles!

    Noodles: You're really crazy.

    Max: Don't you ever say that to me! Don't ever say that to me again!

  • [Max shows Noodles his latest purchase]

    Noodles: What is it?

    Max: It's a throne. It was a gift to a pope. It cost me about 800 bucks.

    Carol: It's from the 17th century.

    Noodles: What are you going to do with it?

    Max: I'm sitting on it.

  • Max: Ladies and gents, I drink to the demise of Fat Moe's speakeasy. Who the hell wants to drink here legally anyway, am I right? Okay, come on, Moe, set them up! Go on, get in there!

    [raises a toast]

    Max: Here's mud in your eye! Boys, let's drink to our last shipment! There's more onboard tonight than just booze... it's ten years of our lives, ten years that were really worth living!

    Patrick 'Patsy' Goldberg: Yeah!

    Max: Noodles... Noodles! L 'Chaim!

    Noodles: [quietly] L 'Chaim.

  • Nick: Have you lost your fucking mind?

    Max: Yes, years ago!

  • Max: My God! Let me get a look at you. You know, you look like shit. What's your secret?

  • Nick Wells: After this no more jobs. This is the last one I'm doing. I'm quitting for good.

    Max: Yeah? How many times have you told me that in twenty-fie years. I mean, I'm gonna believe that when the pigs eat my brother, right?

  • Nick: If you want me to do this, you gotta pay me what's right. It's gotta be that way.

    Max: [Indignant] I always pay you what's right.

    Nick: You always think you do. I always know what you pay me. It's not always right.

  • Max: [to Jack] You're not smart enough to know where your dick is!

  • Al: You got anything to drink?

    George: I can give you soda, beer, ginger ale...

    Al: I said, 'You got anything to drink?'

    George: [intimidated] No.

    Al: This is a hot town. Whatta ya call it?

    George: Brentwood.

    Al: Did you ever hear of Brentwood?

    Max: [Max shakes his head, no]

    Al: Whatta ya do here nights?

    Max: [sarcastically] They eat the dinner. They all come here and eat the big dinner.

    George: [showing fear] That's right.

    Al: [condescendingly] You're a pretty bright boy, aren't you?

    George: [intimidated] Sure.

    Max: [contemptiously] Well you're NOT!

    Max: [to Al] Is he Al?

    Al: He's dumb!

  • George: What'll it be, gentlemen?

    Max: I don't know. Whatta you want to eat, Al?

    Al: I don't know what I want to eat.

    Max: I'll have the roast pork tenderloin with apple sauce and mashed potatoes.

    George: That's not ready yet.

    Max: Then what's it on the card for?

    George: Well, that's on the dinner. You can have that at six o'clock. That clock is ten minutes fast. The dinner isn't ready yet.

    Max: Never mind the clock. What have you got to eat?

    George: Well, I can give you any kind of sandwiches: bacon and eggs, liver and bacon, ham and eggs, steak...

    Al: I'll have the chicken croquettes with the cream sauce and the green peas and the mashed potatoes.

    George: That's on the dinner too.

    Al: [with nasty edge to his voice] Everything we want's on the dinner. That's the way want's on the dinner - that's the way you work it, huh?

    George: I can give you ham and eggs, bacon and eggs...

    Al: I'll take ham and eggs.

    Max: Give me bacon and eggs.

    George: [through the service window into the kitchen] One ham and, bacon and.

    Sam: [loudly] Comin' up!

  • Max: I'll tell ya what's gonna happen. We're gonna kill the Swede. You know big Swede that works over at the filling station?

    George: You mean Pete Lunn?

    Max: If that's what he calls himself. Comes in every night at six o'clock, don't he?

    George: Yes, if he comes.

    Al: We know all about that.

    George: What are you gonna kill him for? What did Pete Lunn ever do to you?

    Max: He never had a chance to do anything to us. He never even seen us.

    Al: He's only gonna see us once.

    George: What you gonna kill him for?

    Max: We're killin' him for a friend...

  • Duke: Time!

    [Max pauses, then whips the sock into Fish's face one more time]

    Duke: Max! I said time!

    Max: F***! I HATE THIS GAME!

    Crow: Aw, now your sock is all wet.

    [Max hucks the sock at Crow]

    Crow: Well, don't have a hissy fit! Jesus Christ!

    Max: Sit on my f***ing fist, you pansy!

    Crow: Ha. You wish.

  • Fifi: [after being thrown out of the car] You leaving me here? How am I gonna get back?

    Max: [laconically] Try hunting snails, Daddy-o.

  • Max: That's the trouble with young people - they're so doggone young!

  • Max: Look at the world we're in. A few million is nothing!

  • Max: Lemme give you a little advice about women like her. The fuckin' you get, ain't worth the fuckin' you get, okay?

  • [first lines]

    Max: [in phone booth] Ted! Are you home? Ted! Are you there Ted? It's Max and Tiger on the prowl. Ya home? You out drinking, you waste product? What, are you screening your calls? Ted. Ted. Ted!

    Tiger: I'm going.

    Max: No wait, hold it! Hold it! Hold it! One more. Just. Just. Just stay.

  • Cliff: This Costume Killer does horrible, horrible things. Injects his victims with window cleaner, puts weird costumes on 'em, puts plastic bags over their heads, and asphyxiates them.

    Max: No you're right, there's nothing polite about him.

  • [last lines]

    Max: Hey Aunt Mitch, can I take your picture?

    Mitch Cobb: Sure.

  • Max: There's so many people I want to kill right now.

  • Max: [Returns to apartment to find Jack, whom Jamie has tied to a chair] New boyfriend, Sister Mary-Agnes?

  • Jake Houseman: Max, our Baby's gonna change the world.

    Max: [to Lisa] And what are you gonna do, missy?

    Baby: Oh, Lisa's going to decorate it.

    Robbie Gould: She already does.

  • Max: I want you girls to know if it were not for this man, I'd be standing here dead.

  • Max: [During the song about Kellerman's, just before it's interrupted by Johnny Castle] You and me, Tito. We've seen it all, eh? Bubbah and Zeda serving the first pasteurized milk to the boarders. Through the war years, when we didn't have any meat. Through the Depression, when we didn't have anything. Lots of changes, though, Max. It's not the changes so much this time. It's that it all seems to be ending. You think kids want to come with their parents and take fox-trot lessons? Trips to Europe, that's what the kids want. Twenty-two countries in three days. It feels like it's all slipping away.

  • Marjorie Houseman: It's his first real vacation in six years, Max. Take it easy.

    Max: Three weeks here, it'll feel like a year.

  • Max: [to the Houseman Family] This Danish is pure protein.

  • Max's Father: Goddammit, Max! Get serious, for once! What are you going to DO with your life?

    Max: Why is it always what will I do? "What will he do", "What will he do," "Oh, my god what will he do", Do, do, do, do, do. Why isn't the issue here who I am?

    Uncle Teddy: Because, Maxwell, what you do defines who you are.

    Max: No, Uncle Teddy. Who you are defines what you do. Right Jude?

    Jude: [awkward] ... Well, surely it's not what you do, but the, uh... the way that you do it.

  • Max: [Discussing Lucy on the drive to New York] She's got a boyfriend.

    Jude: That's okay, I got a girlfriend.

  • Max: And you know what really pisses me off is I swallowed all those cotton balls and they never even took a damn x-ray.

    Hippy dude: You still have options man.

    Max: Yeah, jail or Canada and they both suck. I mean I could never come home, so what is it, it's a choice of a 6x4 cell or an endless wasteland of frozen tundra.

    Hippy dude: Montreal is cool.

    Max: Man, they speak French.

    Hippie Guitarist: So learn French. Learn French or die.

  • Sadie: You got a good memory for faces?

    Max: Yeah, I think so. Why?

    Sadie: There's no mirror in your bathroom.

  • Max: Jude, this is my sister, Lucy.

    Jude: [later, to Lucy] My god, you... you have perfect teeth!

  • Army Sergeant: Is there any reason you shouldn't be in this man's Army?

    Max: I'm a cross-dressing homosexual pacifist with a spot on my lung.

    Army Sergeant: As long as you don't have flat feet.

  • Jude: [after Vietnam] You don't seem too messed up.

    Max: Well, everything below the neck works fine.

  • Max: [invites Jude over to him and Lucy's house for Thanksgiving]

    Jude: We don't have it in England, is it - is it a big deal?

    Max: Well, it's a heart-warming American tradition.

    Lucy: Yeah. It celebrates the time when the Indians shared their food with the early settlers. And how did we repay them? We slaughter them in thousands then ship them off to the shittiest bits of real estate.

    Max: [Max chuckles]

    Lucy: [Introduces herself to Jude] I'm Lucy.

  • Max: [they head for the basement of the campus, they come to a room. Jude closes the door] Shit, I'm outta shape! Woo!

    [he pants heavily trying to catch his breath before he recognizes Jude from earlier]

    Max: You're the guy who was asking for the janitor, right?

    Jude: [nods] Yeah.

    Max: So what are you, uh, like the, uh, assistant janitor?

    Jude: I'm just bunking down here, y'know. Temporarily.

    Max: [as he observes his surroundings] Why?

    Jude: Why do you need to know?

    Max: You wanted by the cops? Huh? FBI?

    Jude: You know it looks to me as though, uh... You're the one who's on the run.

    Max: Uh... yeah. Thank you for that by the way.

    Jude: What would that lot have done if they'd caught you?

    Max: [he and Jude sit down] I don't know. Something, uh, involving genitalia and shoe polish.

    Jude: Nasty.

    Max: Yeah. Where's that accent from?

    Jude: Same place as me. Liverpool.

    Max: Do you have a name?

    Jude: Yeah.


    Jude: It's Jude.

    Max: [smiles] Max.

    [he extends his hand, Jude shakes his hand]

    Jude: [as he shakes Max's hand] I'm please to meet you.

    Max: Well, uh, Jude, as a stranger to our shores, the least I can do is offer you some Ivy League hospitatilty.

    [he tosses Jude a flask]

    Jude: [a beat] Cheers.

    [he takes a drink from the flask]

  • Lucy's Mother: Is that fashionable?

    Max: Is what fashionable?

    Lucy's Mother: Your haircut, or lack of one.

    Lucy: Androgyny suits you, Max.

  • Hippy dude: You have options, man.

    Max: Yeah, jail or Canada - and they both suck!

  • Max: I don't believe this! What do they talk about when I'm not here?

    Lucy: You, mainly.

  • Max: Come on, Luce. We've got to do something with him, he's a sailor on leave! He needs a bar, a brawl, and a brothel!

  • Jude: What are you going to do if you don't go back to college?

    Max: What any irresponsible, unmotivated, drop-out would do. Go to New York, like tonight.

  • Max: She loves you - yeah! Yeah! Yeah!

  • Max: [walking in and seeing Lucy and Jude in bed together] So that's how it is?

    Jude: [They both wake up and Lucy starts laughing a little] Yeah. That's how it is.

    Max: Well, speaking as a brother, I think she could do better.

    Lucy: [a little stunned] Max? Get out!

    Max: Well I'm sorry, but, as blissful as you are in the throes of young love, I'm just letting you know I have a date with Uncle Sam.

    [Walks out of the room]

  • Max: [aside to Lucy, as he observes Emily from afar] When did Emily get tits?

    Lucy: Max!

    Max: [Emily walks by] Emily...

    [gives the thumbs up]

  • Jude: What is that place?

    Prankster: The headquarters of the league of spiritual deliverance!

    Dr. Robert: The home of Dr. Gary, another outlaw, like myself. We're navigators, we're aviators, we're eatin' tators, masturbatin' alligators, bombardiers, we got no fears, we don't shed no tears, we're pushin' the frontiers... of transcendental perception. What's weird is, we haven't met yet, on this or any other plane.

    Prankster: Hey doc, he says he won't see you, man.

    Dr. Robert: Why, is he sick?

    Prankster: He just said he's busy.

    Dr. Robert: Did you tell that


    Dr. Robert: sonofabitch that we drove 3,000 miles to see him? Alright, everybody back on the bus. We're going home, to California.

    Max: Doc, California isn't home to all of us.

    Dr. Robert: What can I say? You're either on the bus, or off the bus.

  • Max: You're up before two and looking wicked cool. Who's it for?

    Sadie: I have a meeting.

    Max: [southern accent] Why, is that prayer a meeting?

    Sadie: Yeah, for your twisted soul.

    Sadie: [kisses Max's cheek]

    Sadie: Put my shirt away when you're done.

    Max: Yes ma'am.

  • Jude: Excuse me, you don't know where I could find Professor Hubert, do you?

    Max: Um, no such person, not that I'm aware of.

    Jude: Uh, Professor Wesley Hubert?

    Max: Listen buddy, I've pissed off every Professor in Princeton, and he's not one of them.

    Max: Oh, wait a second,

    [points off screen, towards audience]

    Max: there's a Wes Hubert. That's him, right over there.

  • JoJo: I remember this one guy, he ate a ton of beets the night before the physical. Looks like blood when you piss.

    Max: [looking mildly disgusted and distracted] No, I hate beets.

  • Max: [impatiently] Hey, can we get the check, please?

    Katz's Waiter: [annoyed] In a minute.

    [waves him off]

    Max: ...What is with these pricks?

  • Jude: [about the letter he got] Max, what exactly does it say?

    Max: It says I have to report to an induction center on the 7th.

    Sadie: You've got a week to contract some fatal disease, honey.

  • Max: [singing] Happiness is a warm gun.

    Singing Nurse: Bang Bang, Shoot, Shoot.

  • Jessie Conrad: What's your name?

    Max: [ignores her]

    Jessie Conrad: Your hair's really long! My hair used to be that long, but my mom made me cut it.

    Jessie Conrad: [points to her neck] What's that thing on your neck?

    Max: [stares at Jessie and looks back down]

    Jessie Conrad: It's kinda impolite not to answer someone's question.

    Max: It's a symbol.

    Jessie Conrad: What's it mean?

    Max: Don't talk!

  • Max: What is wrong with you?

    1900: I can't help it. Music makes me cry.

  • Max: You're never really done for, as long as you've got a good story and someone to tell it to.

  • Max: What the hell do you think about when you're playing? Where does your mind go when you hit the keys?

    1900: Last night I was in a beautiful country. Women had perfume in their hair, everything glowed. It was full of tides.

    Max: He traveled. And each time he ended up some place different. In the heart of London, on a train in the middle of the country, on the edge of a giant volcano, in the biggest church in the world, countin' the columns and staring up at the crucifixes. He traveled.

  • [last lines]

    'Pops', the Shopkeeper: [returning his pawned trumpet] A good story's worth more than an old trumpet.

    Max: Okay Pops.

  • 1900: Hey, Max, gimme a cigarette, will you?

    Max: [bitterly] You're not handling this well.

    1900: [calmly] Just gimme a cigarette.

    Max: [matter of factly] You don't smoke. What is the matter with you? You could lick this guy with one hand, come on!

    1900: [getting agitated] You gonna gimme a cigarette?

    Max: [emphatically] We're gonna be chucking coal a couple a hundred years and all you can say is...

    1900: Give me a *fucking* cigarette, will you?

    [Max throws him a cigarette angrily]

  • Max: Sometimes that is the way you have to do it: you go right back to the beginning.

  • Max: [on deck of ship] It happened every time. Someone would look up, and see her. It's difficult to understand. There'd be more than a thousand of us on that ship, traveling rich folks, immigrants, and strange people, and us; yet there was always *one*, one guy alone, who would see her first. Maybe he was just sitting there eating, or walking on the deck, maybe he was just fixing his pants. He'd look up for a second, a quick glance out to sea, and he'd *see* her. Then he'd just stand there, rooted to the spot, his heart racing. And every time, *every* *damn* *time* I swear, he'd turn to us, towards the ship, towards everybody, and *scream*.

    Passenger: [pointing] America!

    Crowd: [everyone turns to see the Statue of Liberty, and break out in cheers]

  • Max: I often thought about him during the war; if only 1900 were here, who knows what he'd do, what he'd say. 'Fuck war' he'd say. But somehow, coming from me, it wasn't the same.

  • Max: Leave the ship, marry a nice woman, and have children. All those things in life which are not immense but are worth the effort.

  • [first lines]

    Max: I still ask myself if I did the right thing when I abandoned his floating city. And I don't mean only for the work. The fact is, a friend like that, a real friend - you won't meet one again. If you just decide to hang up your sea legs, if you just want to feel something more solid beneath your feet - and it's then you no longer hear the music of the gods around you. But, like he used to say, you're never really done for, as long as you got a good story, and someone to tell it to. Trouble is, nobody'd believe a single word of my story.

  • Max: Oh you can get off the ship alright, but the ocean?

  • Max: His music was made of notes that were everything but normal.

  • Max: All I know is that when I'm not with you I'm a total wreck.

    Nora: And when you are with me?

    Max: I'm a different kind of total wreck.

  • Max: [Drunk and desperately wanting coffee] How can you be out of coffee?

  • Max: There's no dust in her Dust Buster!

  • Max: What if I told you, I have no interest in getting laid right now?

    Neil: Interest in getting laid is the human condition!

  • [Nora is going to meet Max's friends for Thanksgiving]

    Nora: Alright, I'm gonna go in there, I'm gonna say 'Hello, my name is Nora and you can all go fuck yourselves, I'm not Janey.' How's that?

    Max: Perfect.

  • Judy: Come on, I wanna know how you two met.

    Nora: I picked him up in a bar. How's that?

    Max: I was drunk, and she was drunk, and I liked her looks so I convinced her to let me bring her home, and I seduced her on the sofa bed, and it was magic, and I keep coming back for more.

  • Max: If I choose to be celibate, it's none of your business.

    Neil: This isn't celibacy we're talking about, it's fucking necrophilia!

  • Nora: [talking at bar] Do you swim?

    Max: What was that?

    Nora: I mean are you a swimmer? You're not real muscular but you're strong am I right?

    Max: You're drunk.

    [grins back at her]

    Nora: yeah, soon I will be falling all over you.

  • Max: [to Lucia] There are no lines to Frankfurt. Why did you come here? Hm? Why did you come? WHY did you come?

    [angrily kicks a table away]

    Max: Have you come to give me away? HAVE YOU?

    [hits her]

    Max: Did you? Answer!

    [the pair fall over]

    Max: Did you? Why'd you come? Why'd you come? Why? Why? WHY!

  • [Max and Lucia are laughing while caressing each other]

    Max: Ah, no, no. Too fast, too fast. Too long. Too long.

    [kisses her]

    Lucia: Oh, Max, Max...

    Max: [stressful] Tell me, why'd you come? Tell me. Tell me!

    Lucia: [screams] I WANT YOU!

    Max: Tell me what to do. Tell me where to go. Tell me what to do.

    Lucia: No...

    Max: Tell me what to do!

    Lucia: [laughing] No!

    [they continue to kiss and caress each other]

    Max: I love you so.

  • Max: [describing Lucia] My little girl...

  • Max: I met her again... my little girl.

    Countess Stein: You mean, the little girl from then?

    [Max nods]

    Max: [clears his throat] I found her again. I found her again. And no one must touch her!

    Countess Stein: Who'd dream of touching her?

    [Max gestures with his hands in objection]

    Countess Stein: Oh, Max, be careful. Before she could testify against you, you should file her away.

    Max: Oh... oh, no.

    Countess Stein: But...

    Max: No... I love her.

    Countess Stein: [shakes her head] What a madman.

    Max: She was my little girl...

    [close to tears]

    Max: She was very young.

    Countess Stein: And now she's not.

    Max: Yes. Yes, she... she's exactly the same... as she was for me.

    Countess Stein: Oh, Max...

    Max: As she was then!

    Countess Stein: I've never seen you so much in love.

    Max: [chocking up] I... I thought she was dead.

    Countess Stein: What a romantic story.

  • [Max has handcuffed Lucia to a long chain attached to the bathroom]

    Lucia: Why?

    Max: So they can't take you away.

    Lucia: Who?

    Max: Klaus... Bert, Hans.

    [Lucia giggles]

    Max: It's nothing to laugh about.

    Lucia: And if they come with a file?

    Max: Then you fight.

    [Lucia continues giggling]

    Max: [angrily] DON'T LAUGH!

  • Countess Stein: You were always insane, and you still are.

    Max: Sane, insane then... hm. Who's to judge?

    [referring to himself and Lucia]

    Max: And just you remember... we're both in the same boat.

  • Max: You get to be awake this time. This time, you get to remember.

  • Max: Grandfather. I'm my own man now.

  • Max: [Casey walks quickly into the hotel and knocks and Max's door] Hey.

    [she emotionally embraces him]

    Max: Everything alright?

    Casey Benson: No.

    Max: [Casey retracts from the hug and walks into the room] Well, I um, I wasn't really expecting you. I...

    [Casey sees a familiar fancy purse and sees shoes and a rumpled bed and Taylor chuckles]

    Taylor: [chuckles and emerges holding an alcoholic drink] Oh, hey Casey.

    [shrugs a little]

    Taylor: Gonna join us?

    Max: [softly] Hey, I thought you and I were gonna get together tonight.

    [disappointed and hurt, Casey throws in the towel and simply walks out, throwing her hands up in defeat. Max looks after her and quickly looks to a beautiful yet numb-looking lingerie-clad Taylor distracted on the sofa]

  • Max: Ever go to the Silhouette?

    Horst: Yes.

    Max: I never saw you there.

    Horst: You weren't looking.

    Max: Greta's Club?

    Horst: No.

    Max: Good, you had taste. The White Mouse?

    Horst: Sometimes.

    Max: I'm surprised you never saw me there. Did you sunbathe?

    Horst: I love to sunbathe.

    Max: In the nude?

    Horst: Of course.

    Max: By the river?

    Horst: That's right.

    Max: And you never saw me?

    Horst: Well, actually I did. I saw you by the river. You were making a fool of yourself, and I said, someday I'll be in Dachau with that man moving rocks.

  • Max: I love you... What's wrong with that?

  • Horst: We had a boy like that in school. Used to lead us in silences.

    Max: Ok. I'll explain. Ok. We have to move rocks.

    Horst: Yes sir.

    Max: You move one rock at a time.

    Horst: Yes sir.

    Max: You take it over there.

    Horst: Yes sir.

    Max: When that pile is complete, you take one rock at a time and move it back.

    Horst: You move it back? You move rocks from there to there and then from there to back again?

    Max: Yes sir.

  • Max: People don't believe in god so much as they choose not to believe in nothing.

  • Dr. Bill Perlman: You think I'm a fraud.

    Max: It's been 3 months since the crash, and I haven't thought of you at all.

  • Carla: This is a German car?

    Max: Swedish!

    Carla: It's very sturdy.

    Max: It's a very safe car - a very safe car, and I'm an excellent driver. I've never been in an accident - well at least not while behind the wheel. But even strapped in to all of this marvelous technology of the reenforced doors and roof - we could still get crushed.

  • Laura Klein: We have lived together for 16 years. They have been great.

    Max: Eh, not always.

    Laura Klein: Yes, always. They've always been great for me. Even when I hate you, I know I love you.

  • Cindy Dickens: Mr. Klein, I'm Cindy Dickens of Intercity Air, and I'm here to help get you home.

    Max: Well that's nice, no one's taken me home since the 1st grade.

  • Max: Pray for us. This is the hour of our death.

  • Max: [as the airplane is about to crash] Everything's okay.

  • Max: The United States is finished. But you and me, we're in peak condition.

  • Max: Could it happen again?

    Sonson: It could. That's why we have you.

  • Max: Eating's like making love, man. It's a ritual, you know? You got your appetizer. I sniff... deeply into her scalp and grab onto her firm-but-voluptuous hips, nibble just ever so gently on the earlobe. I mean, girls, they go wild for that.

    Butch: Why don't you just skip the appetizer and go straight to the main course?

    Max: Well, what is the main course?

    Butch: Main course: you bust a nut, she bounces; play video games, do whatever the fuck you want and then you go to sleep.

    Max: You're an animal, you know that? You disgust me.

  • Max: If God had intended us to do gardening, He wouldn't have invented Gentiles.

  • Max: The truth? What do you want with that? If you want to be a succes in life forget the truth.

  • Max: [Max has discovered that Lenny put a check in Max's safety-deposit box, after "borrowing" $20,000 from the Century West Maintenance account, so that Lenny could treat Linda to a night in Las Vegas] A worthless goddamn CHECK?

    Lenny: What are you getting hysterical about? It was just a LOAN.

    Max: In all my life, I never treated ANYONE like I treated you! You were POOR; I made you RICH. You were DROWNING; I gave you a YACHT! And then you STOLE from me. After I treated you like a son. TWENTY THOUSAND DOLLARS!

    Lenny: You want another check? I'll write you another check right now.

    Max: A check is no damn good. You want to be a liar as well as a thief?

    Lenny: Then tell me what to do. Just tell me, Max.

    Max: [hugs Lenny, then speaks softly] You gotta go. I can't have you around here anymore.

  • Max: That's the problem with the younger generation: No sentiment.

  • Max: [on investment banking] Out here, you gotta start scoring baskets right off the bench... or you're out of the game.

  • Max: I live where the money is. You don't think this NYC crowd would have anything to do with me unless I could move millions of bucks around, do you...? Does your wife work?

    Lenny: Yeah, she has a great job.

    Max: Lucky for you.

    Lenny: I do all right. Everything I do is just a lot chancier, that's all.

    Max: You just probably haven't found the right products yet, the right territory.

  • Max: [at Morton's Restaurant] ... This is my table. Everybody knows where I sit: waiters, guests, the whole bit... Look around you. A lot of tables, right? Wrong. Five tables. All the rest of the people come here to eat... Ray Tucker. Manages the money for half the Rams, all the Raiders, and anybody you ever saw on TV. Five percent off the top... Carter Davis, oil... Ricky Holtz, builds airports... Doc Gertz. He used to be a chiropractor; now he produces movies... And me. The five of us don't come here to eat.

    Lenny: So what are you saying, I shouldn't order any food?

    Max: Oh, no. Eat. Just don't look hungry.

  • Max: I wish there was some hip way of telling you this, baby, but, ah... you're one with and part of an ever-expanding, loving, joyful, glorious, and harmonious universe.

    Paul Groves: Funny.

    Max: Yeah, in a way. But, you play your personal games.

    Paul Groves: Alright, I know. Everybody knows. But nobody lives that way.

    Max: Is that your defense, man?

    Paul Groves: Yes. I mean, no. I'm guilty. I'm guilty.

    Max: Right! But don't wallow, because it's fake and disgusting!

  • Max: It was a heavy trip. I slept for 36 hours, man. Blind. That was my last trip on Roybal, I'll tell you that.

  • Max: Hey, what's this scene about the cops, huh?

    Paul Groves: I think they're after me.

    Max: [starts to look worried] "You think they're after you." Like, I got a whole house full of pot, man.

  • Max: [Thomas and Max hide in the bombed factory awaiting the Russian advance. Thomas takes out his pocket photo of Melanie] You haven't said a word for days! But last night I heard you whispering her name - get a grip of yourself!

  • Max: You two would be interested in our conversation. Didn't you tell me about that ointment...

    Orlando: What ointment?

    Max: The one some Africans use... to last longer. What was it again?

    Orlando: Oh, that. It's nothing. Just some crocodile fat and pungent herbs that they smear on before they...

    Mili: Smear on what?

    Linda: Mili, don't play dumb.

    Orlando: It works for hours.

    Max: Hear that, Mili? It works for hours.

    Mili: I don't believe it.

    Corrado Zeller: It's true, it's true. You have no idea what men in other countries do. For example, in Jordan I saw men eat mutton fat and honey for breakfast.

    Max: What about the Chinese? They eat ground rhinoceros horn.

    Ugo: Dried shark fin is an energy booster too.

    Max: I confess that I've tried royal jelly and it works. Right, LInda?

    Giuliana: What's that?

    Ugo: Honey from the queen bee.

    Max: It's rejuvenating. Remember that in your old age, miss.

    Corrado Zeller: Assuming she still wants to make love then.

    Max: What do you say to that?

    Iole: I'd rather do certain things than talk about them.

  • Max: There are drunks lying everywhere! The state should do something. It's the same everywhere. In Helsinki recently, there were so many drunks lying around even though it's hard to get alcohol in Finland.

  • Alex Garel: Max, what EMO level do you have?

    Max: Standard equipment level 8.

  • Max: I've discovered you, you bastards!

  • Ray: What can I do for you Max?

    Max: You can wipe that my-shit-don't-stink grin off your face.

  • Max: You almost got that rich boy act down, Ray.

  • Max: Well go figure, I was just thinking to myself what ever happened to that Barry Cox?

    Barry: [being very polite] Hey Max. Hey listen can we talk for a sec? In private?

    Max: Oh what this isn't private enough for you?

  • Max: Motherfucker. Don't you test me, motherfucker, I'll call the cops on your college quarterback ass.

  • Danny: What's wrong, Tabby?

    Max: Don't be scared.

    Tabitha: Boys, listen to me, we have to hide. There's a bad man, a very bad man in the house.

    Max: He just wants to play. Like earlier at the door.

    Tabitha: That was him?

    Danny: [Chuckles] Owen.

    Tabitha: No, don't.

    Danny: But, Tabby, he said he just wanted to have some fun.

  • Rose: [about oxygen tank] Can I breathe underwater with that?

    Max: You need a scuba tank for that.

    Rose: I could go in a shark cage.

    Max: You could, but I'd be careful. Sharks have a taste for little girls.

  • Max: I have been saddled with Rose since Mom and Dad died. Not you, me. She is not your problem!

    Lisa: What is wrong with you?

    Max: Not a goddamn thing, that's what. I'm young, healthy. I got all the time in the world since I was just fired. Yeah, what, are you surprised? Surprised that I couldn't manage a full-time job while raising a chronically sick 8-year-old?

    Lisa: You should have said something.

    Max: Gee, I wish I had. Oh, wait, I did, but you were too busy fucking Andy all over the goddamn building to listen to me.

    Lisa: Max, please, can we just all go? I mean, if we don't have to be here.

    Max: We're not going anywhere, sis. But you, maybe it's time you go.

  • Max: Losing, winning - what's the difference? Play the game with a fair heart, and you'll always be able to look yourself in the mirror. Play too hard to win, and you might not like what you become.

  • Phil: Have no fear. Wonder Manager will save the day!

    Dee Dee: "Wonder Manager"?

    Max: Yeah. It's a wonder he's our manager!

  • Roland: [Max and Roland are flying in the helicopter. Max still has his gun out.] You don't need that gun no more.

    Max: Shut the fuck up and fly the fucking plane, you stupid fuck!

  • Max: [about to hijack the plane, the thugs pull guns from their shoes and advance toward the cockpit]

    [pushing Mia aside]

    Max: Get the fuck out the way, bitch!

    Max: [Max enters the cockpit and puts the gun to the pilot's head] Keep on your flight path, motherfucker!

  • Pilot: [Max has just accidentally shot a hole in the plane's controls and the plane is slowly going down]

    [talking to the plane]

    Pilot: Come on baby, stay with me, stay with me!

    Max: Shit! Fuck!

    Squid: Shiiiit!

    Max: [the plane is now right above the water] FUUUUUCK!

  • Max: Five against fourteen. That's not good.

    Ford: No shit, Sherlock!

  • [doorbell rings]

    Max: It's her!

    Annette Marquand: Who?

    Max: My fiancée!

    [They look out of the window]

    Max: It's her!

    Annette Marquand: So *that's* your fiancée.

    Max: Yes.

    Annette Marquand: There is no accounting for taste.

  • Annette Marquand: [giggles uncontrollably]

    Max: What in heaven's name is there to laugh at?

    Annette Marquand: [continues to giggle] Look! Look! She walked off into the night in her... knickers!

    Max: My fiancée! What will people think?

    Annette Marquand: They will think she is everybody's... fiancée.

  • Max: Now you see what you've done?

    Annette Marquand: You ought to be very pleased.

    Max: But she is my fiancee!

    Annette Marquand: Hah!

    Max: What?

    Annette Marquand: I said hah. And I meant it. Every word of it!

  • [Last lines]

    Customs agent: Have you anything to declare?

    Max: Yes, I love this woman.

    Customs agent: And you, madam?

    Annette Marquand: I love this man.

  • Max: I've had enough of you.

    Phileine: Impossible. I gave you nothing.

  • Sofia: I'm very disappointed in you Max. First, you break into my apartment. Then, you hit a girl.

    Max: Your not mad at me about hitting Kenny?

    Sofia: No, that one I can forgive. He's a pervert and he should be stopped. But, I don't want you hitting Charlie. If she tries to kiss you, kiss her back.

    Max: No way!

    Sofia: Women don't like men who give in too easily. Trust me. She kisses you because she loves a challenge.

    Max: Why?

    Sofia: Because... because women are like locas. That's why.

    Max: I thought she kisses me because she thinks I'm cute.

  • Max: I'm a butterfly.

    Harry: You are NOT a butterfly.

    Max: I WAS a butterfly. Now I'm a paisley shawl.

  • Max: I'm NOT uptight! I just happen to have a natural, God-given ability for hating.

  • Max: Are you married?

    Mona: Who, me?

    Max: No, the bread.

  • Max: You have to marry somebody to learn how to hate somebody. I'm available.

  • Max: Don't tell me you thought there would be less bitchin' on a gay team.

  • Max: You might be more comfortable on here, love.

    Benji: Thanks, but I've already got a boyfriend.

    Max: I'll struggle to restrain myself.

  • Max: You kids come from a long line of kings, queens and fierce divas. Now, fix up and take back the bloody game!

  • Max: It's not good breedin' to give your mother the hairy eyeball, kitten.

  • Max: Now listen, Ephraim.

    Elton: Elton.

    Max: Now, you seem like a nice boy. I'm sure you don't want to get fired on your first day for homophobia.

    Elton: Homophobia?

    Max: I didn't think so. You see, I don't know if you've noticed, but we're a gay team - a VERY gay team - and, so, we're a teensy-weensy bit overcompensating, but you see what we're dealing with, don't you, Ephraim?

    MaxElton: [together] Elton!

    Max: ...the kind of thugs that used to terrorize people like us - and you - in school. I think you know what I mean. And, so, all we're asking, Ephraim...

    Elton: El...

    Max: -ton!... All we're asking for, on... bended knee, is for a fair... crack. Whadda ya say, ref?

  • Miss Athena: What are you running from?

    Max: Nothing. Makes me feel good.

    Miss Athena: Good.

  • Max: [surrendering to Chad] I'd rather get took than shot.

Browse more character quotes from Armageddon (1998)