Teacher Quotes in Spider-Man (2002)


Teacher Quotes:

  • Harry Osborn: [Flash and his gang are hassling Peter] Leave him alone.

    Flash's Crony: Or what?

    Flash Thompson: Or his father will fire your father!

    [they laugh]

    Flash Thompson: What's daddy gonna do, sue me?

    Teacher: What is going on? The next person who talks will fail this course, I kid you not.

  • Teacher: [after spotting Harry talking with Mary Jane] You were talking throughout that woman's entire presentation, let's go talk about how we listen.

  • [first lines]

    Teacher: Earth that was could no longer sustain our numbers, we were so many. We found a new solar system, dozens of planets and hundreds of moons. Each one terraformed, a process taking decades, to support human life, to be new Earths. The Central Planets formed the Alliance. Ruled by an interplanetary parliament, the Alliance was a beacon of civilization. The savage outer planets were not so enlightened and refused Alliance control. The war was devastating, but the Alliance's victory over the Independents ensured a safer universe. And now everyone can enjoy the comfort and enlightenment of our civilization.

  • Basil: Did we get Dr. Evil?

    Radar Operator: No, sir, he got away in that big spaceship that looks like a huge...

    Teacher: Penis. The male reproductive organ. Also known as tallywhacker, schlong, or...

    Friendly Dad: Wiener? Any of your kids want another wiener?

    Friendly Son: Dad, what's that?

    Friendly Dad: I don't know, son, but it has great big...

    Peanut Vendor: Nuts. Hot, salty nuts. Who wants some?...

    Peanut Vendor: Lord Almighty!

    Woman: That looks just like my husband's...

    Circus Barker: ONE-EYED MONSTER. Step right up and see the One-eyed Monster!

    Cyclops: RARRR.

    Cyclops: Hey, what's that? It looks like a...

    Fan: Woody. Woody Harrelson. Could I have your autograph?

    Woody: Sure. Oh, my Lord! Look at that thing!

    Fan: It's so huge.

    Woody: No, I've seen bigger. That's...

    Dr. Evil: Just a little prick.

  • Beverly: Howard, why are you so pissed off?

    Howard T. Duck: Why, if you got blasted millions of miles through space, ended up on another planet and were given an IQ test by a janitor. You'd be a little pissed off to.

    Beverly: Ho look, maybe you are trapped in a world you never made, but I've got problems of my own. My whole career is falling apart.

    Howard T. Duck: Your career. What about my life?

    [a group of kids and their teacher show up and see Howard]

    Howard T. Duck: I'm stranded here, shipwrecked.

    Teacher: Look at this wonderful exhibit.

    Howard T. DuckTeacher: You see what I mean, I'm a freak and outcast.

    Teacher: It's so lifelike and realistic.

    Howard T. Duck: Bug off.

    Teacher: Excuse me.

    Howard T. Duck: I said beat it. Brrr

    [Scares the kids and the teacher away]

  • Teacher: If you do that again, I will re-sequence your DNA.

  • Teacher: Mr Tracy. How kind of you to come back from outer space, Alan. I trust re-entry wasn't too rough.

  • Teacher: Reality can be a pretty scary thing for some people; this world must have been a cold and alienating place

  • Teacher: This is not real, and the real world lies somewhere else.

    Man: A typical mental delusion, we get unbalanced kids like that all the time.

    Teacher: Reality can be a pretty scary thing for some people. This world must have been a cold and alienating place for a boy like that.

  • [Shell reads an article out of a newspaper for show and tell in school]

    Shell: Miss Milland was arrested in front of the house at 3:30 a.m., just one hour after the initial raid. They seized over 15,000 pounds of marijuana, with a street value over $3 million. It is the largest drug seizure in the county's history.

    Teacher: Well, thank you for sharing, Shell, and, uh, being at show and tell. Is the person in the article someone you know?

    Shell: She's my mom.

    [the teacher and class students look dumbfounded when the school bell rings]

  • Teacher: Can I help you?

    Secundus: Bring me the comater.

    Teacher: What?

    Secundus: I said: Bring me the comater, or I will kill all these children... one at the time!

    [pats a boy on the head]

    Secundus: I looooove children.

  • Teacher: Despereaux.

    Despereaux: Yes?

    Teacher: You didn't cower.

    Despereaux: Look's like a sword.

    Teacher: It's a carving knife.

    Despereaux: It's beautiful.

    Teacher: It's dangerous.

    Despereaux: Do you have any more?

  • Teacher: How many times does 25 go into 75?

    Peppermint Patty: I'm awake! I'm awake! The answer is 12!

    Teacher: No, that is not correct.

    Peppermint Patty: The answer is 6!

    Charlie Brown: 3!

    Teacher: 3 is correct.

    Peppermint Patty: You contradicted me, Chuck! You made a fool out of me in front of the whole class.

    Charlie Brown: Well 6 was the wrong answer. I had to say 3.

    Peppermint Patty: You don't like me do you, Chuck?

  • Peppermint Patty: False! Why did you put down false, Chuck? The answer is true, Chuck! What's true is true! Put down true, Chuck, or I'll never speak to you again.

    Teacher: Charlie Brown?

    Charlie Brown: Ma'am?

    Teacher: Is your partner giving you the answers?

    Charlie Brown: Oh no, ma'am. She's not giving me the answers. Forcing, maybe, but not giving.

  • Teacher: What was the significance of "1066."

    Peppermint Patty: What happened in "1066"?

    [pauses to ponder]

    Peppermint Patty: Well, it all depends. Is it a date or an address?

    [smiles stupidly]

  • Teacher: If ya don't eat yer meat, you can't have any pudding! How can ya have any pudding if ya don't eat ya meat?

  • Teacher: What have we here, laddie? Mysterious scribblings? A secret code? No! Poems, no less! Poems, everybody!

    [classmates laughs]

    Teacher: The laddie reckons himself a poet!

    [reads poem from Pink's little black book]

    Teacher: "Money, get back / I'm all right, Jack / Keep your hands off my stack / New car / Caviar / Four-star daydream / Think I'll buy me a football team."

    [slams the book onto Pink's desk]

    Teacher: Absolute rubbish, laddie.

    [whacks him with a ruler, growls at Pink]

    Teacher: Get on with your work.

  • Teacher: Wrong! Do it again!

  • [at a spelling bee]

    Teacher: The word is "forensics".

    Kid: Ah, fuck that. Why should we fucking have to spell forensics?

    [cheers from kids in audience]

    Kid: S-U-C-K-M-Y-A-S-S. Forensics.

  • Rachel Joy Scott: I've always been drawn to hands. I think it's because it's the way that we touch people. Compassion is the greatest form of love that humans have to offer. I have this theory that if one person, can go out of their way to show compassion, it could start a chain reaction. How do you know that trust and beauty and compassion won't make the world a better place to be in? Tomorrow's not a promise... but it's a chance. You might just start a chain reaction. And what's behind all of this is my faith. I'm a Christian. And...

    [she chuckles]

    Rachel Joy Scott: I'm not trying to be weird, or convert anybody or anything like that. I just wanted to be real with you guys, and let you know who I am. Jesus gave his life for me, and I'll give my life to him. Just wanted to get that out there.

    Teacher: Thank you, Rachel.

  • Seth: I joined this class because I thought I was going to be cooking with a partner. But she's never here, and I don't get twice the grades for doing all the work.

    Teacher: I didn't invent odd numbers, Seth.

    Seth: I know, but look at Evan. Just look at him.

    Evan: [His partner is tying on his apron] Hey, don't keep me waiting much longer, I'm getting impatient up here.

    Seth: I'm over here in my unit, isolated and alone, eating my terrible tasting food, and I have to look over at that. That looks like the most fun I've ever seen in my entire life, and it's B.S. - excuse my language. I'm just saying that I wash and dry; I'm like a single mother. Look, we all know home-ec is a joke - no offense - it's just that everyone takes this class to get an A, and it's bullshit - and I'm sorry. I'm not putting down your profession, but it's just the way I feel. I don't want to sit here, all by myself, cooking this shitty food - no offense - and I just think that I don't need to cook tiramisu. Am I going to be a chef? No. There's three weeks left of school, give me a fuckin' break! I'm sorry for cursing.

    Teacher: All right, Jules' partner isn't here either, pair up with her, station four.

    Seth: Jules? Alright I'll give it another shot - give home-ec another shot.

  • Teacher: Oh, and Mr. Larkin, perhaps you'd like to share with the rest of the class, Patrick Henry's immortal last words?

    Link Larkin: Kiss my ass?

  • Christof: As Truman grew up, we were forced to manufacture ways to keep him on the island.

    [flashback to Truman at school]

    Young Truman: I like to be an explorer, like the great Magellan.

    Teacher: [rolling down a map of the world] Oh, you're too late. There's really nothing left to explore.

  • Heather: The First Amendment gives us the right to say what we want.

    Teacher: Oh, shut the fuck up.

  • Teacher: It's days like today that we need prayer in schools. It starts to unravel the very moral fabric of our society.

    [coos at her baby]

    Teacher: i'm just going to give you to your daddy

    [passes baby to student on the first row. turns to another student]

    Teacher: I will see *you* after class.

  • Teacher: Your current event, Napoleon.

    Napoleon Dynamite: Last week, Japanese scientists explaced... placed explosive detonators at the bottom of Lake Loch Ness to blow Nessie out of the water. Sir Cort Godfrey of the Nessie Alliance summoned the help of Scotland's local wizards to cast a protective spell over the lake and its local residents and all those who seek for the peaceful existence of our underwater ally.

  • Teacher: Spell "couch".

    Little girl: Couch. C-O-W...

    Billy Madison: No!

    Teacher: [to little girl] No, I'm sorry, that's not right.

    [to Billy]

    Teacher: Well, Billy, if you spell this correctly you pass second grade.

    Billy Madison: Couch. C-O-R, uh, are you going to the mall today?

    Teacher: No I'm not goin to the mall, keep spelling, mister.

    Billy Madison: C-O-U-C-H!

    Teacher: Correct!


  • Max Reede: My dad? He's... a liar.

    Teacher: A liar? I'm sure you don't mean a liar.

    Max Reede: Well, he wears a suit and goes to court and talks to the judge.

    Teacher: Oh, you mean he's a lawyer.

  • Teacher: W-O-R-K, Work!

  • Teacher: Now, I'm returning your papers on the Salem Witch Trials. I'm sad to report that Eden here got the only A.

    Jessica Spencer: That's not fair. She's the only one who was actually there.

    Eden: [Everyone laugh as Eden chants] Hexum maleficium spiritum sanctum nostradumus!

  • Bryan: [reading his paper] My mom says my dad's eyes are brown because he's so full of sh - .

    Teacher: [interrupts him before he swears] Bryan!

  • [first lines]

    Teacher: Everyone, please take your seats. You heard the bell. You know what it means. Last week, the assignment was to write an essay about your family. Who they...

    Teacher: [class: "Are!"] And what they...

    Teacher: [class: "Mean to us!"] Excellent droning.

  • Teacher: Nouns beginning with "B"? Yes, Sophie?

    Sophie à 8 ans: "B" for... "Big-dick", "bonk"... "B" for "Beat the beaver", "bordello", "balls", "blow-job", "bug-eyed baboon", "bitchbag"... "Beat it, bitchbag!"

    Teacher: Think you're funny, miss? What language! I'm giving you zero, "Z" for "zero"! We'll see if the principal thinks it's funny.

    [Julien passes Sophie the box]

    Teacher: Julien! What's going on? To the principal's with Sophie!

    Julien à 8 ans: [while being escorted to the principal's office] "Boner".

    Sophie à 8 ans: What?

    Julien à 8 ans: "B" for "boner".

    Sophie à 8 ans: I didn't have time!

  • Teacher: Now, who knows what disease this sheep has?

    Kingi: AIDS?

    Teacher: Not AIDS, you dork!

  • [Giving oral presentations]

    Student: I haven't done the moon landing, Miss.

    Teacher: Thank God.

  • Teacher: [jabbing at a map of the world, with the British Empire lands in pink] Pink. Pink. Pink. Pink. What are all the pink bits? Rowan.

    Bill Rowen: They're ours, Miss.

    Teacher: Yes. The British Empire. Arthur... what fraction of the earth's surface is British?

    Arthur in Roger's Gang: Don't know, Miss.

    Teacher: Anyone? Jennifer Baker?

    Jennifer Baker: Two-fifths, Miss.

    Teacher: Yes, two-fifths! Ours. That's what this war is all about. Men are fighting and dying to save all the pink bits for you ungrateful little twerps.

  • Danny Hopper: How am I doing?

    Teacher: You're getting an A.

  • Teacher: [inquiring about her diorama] Who are all the little people Miranda?

    Miranda - Age 9: Those are the bodies of the Chumash Indians, who died of Syphilis and Influenza, infected by the missionaries.

    Teacher: Uh, Miranda, go out in the hallway and wait for me...

  • Student: [about Mikey's hair] Sir, it's moving!

    Teacher: It's not moving; it's just too long.

    Michael: It was short this morning.

    Teacher: Nonsense! What kind of a dodo do you take me for? Human hair grows only half an inch a month, no more.

    Michael: Not my hair, Sir.

  • Richard Clark: I'm Richard Clark, I'm the new history teacher here. What department do you teach in?

    Teacher: I don't know, something up on the third floor.

  • Dinky Bossetti: From a deep, immaculate kiss she spread her two ripe, dripping limbs and then I happened.

    Teacher: I beg your pardon.

    Dinky Bossetti: And the moon throbbed and fought with an angry sun all that day and all that night. Until it forced me out.

    Teacher: Dinky!

    Dinky Bossetti: Now I scald here... alone. Touch me. With your white words and your dead hands. Now before I freeze.

    Teacher: That'll be enough!

    Dinky Bossetti: And become one of you.

    Teacher: DINKY!

    Dinky Bosseti: You interrupted me.

  • [first lines]

    Teacher: We're forced to handle the challenges of ESL. Different cultural traditions, everything they enter the classroom with, serious family dysfunctions. Basically our schools, New York city schools, are one big experiment, one big laboratory in this exercise we call the American Experience. And we as teachers aren't equipped to deal with the task at hand. We're not, that's the sad truth. So, after lunch, I'll introduce some exercises designed to demonstrate what we all share, teachers and students. Because our research shows that building this sort of common ground, in the beginning of the year, in the first few weeks, is key to classroom management. And more importantly, academic success.

  • Teacher: What do you mean, "you didn't take anything away from The Diary of Ann Frank?"

    Maude: What, like she's not making it all up?

  • Teacher: [Robert Wakefield drags Seth out of class to help look for his missing daughter] Can I help you?

    Robert Wakefield: Seth has to be excused. He's going on a field trip.

  • Allison: Both are examples of legal profiteering from illegal activities.

    Teacher: You want to connect the dots?

    Allison: Economics and ethics, don't mix. Um, individuals and governments. Both pursue their own self-interest often, uh, carelessly and no one's really willing to take responsibility for anything.

  • Teacher: A golden future awaits you. Just kidding.

  • Teacher: You've been caught shoplifting, was it fun?

  • Teacher: When we think of romance and marriage, what is the first thought that comes into your mind?

    Missy: [whispers to Evelyn] Divorce.

  • [first lines]

    Heather: So even if Columbus got lost and wasn't the first to discover America, he's still my hero. He was really brave to sail in such a tiny ship over a really big ocean. And because of him, we get Columbus Day off of school.

    Teacher: Thank you Heather. Uh, Ronnie? Tell us about your hero.

    Ronnie - 11 years: [writes HACHIKO on the blackboard] Hachiko was my grandfather Wilson's dog. Everyone called Hachi a mystery dog because they never really knew where he came from. Maybe Hachi escaped from a dog pound. Or maybe he jumped out of somebody's car some place far away, like Florida or New Jersey. But no matter how, Hachi was lost.

  • Teacher: The notion of secrecy is central to western literature. You may say, the whole idea of character is defined by people holding specific information which for various reasons, sometimes perverse, sometimes noble, they are determined not to disclose.

  • [first lines]

    Teacher: Laura!... Laura?

    [Laura fires upon herself on the high school basketball courts, a female student then screams as the teacher and crowd rush towards Laura's body and Blaire pauses the liveleak video]

  • Teacher: Dima is the victim of artificial incest. Her mother gave birth to her own mother. Did you know that?

  • Teacher: Cale Crane?

    Cale Crane: Yes Ma'am?

    Teacher: Are you working on your creative writing assignment?

    Cale Crane: Yes Ma'am.

    Teacher: What's your story about?

    Cale Crane: It's about a king; in his castle... And a magic horse.

  • Teacher: Hey Joseph... look at your old man.

    [Joseph sees Louie being blown up by a concealed bomb]

  • [Joseph is lying in a flooded ditch he'd set for Vincent aka 'The Teacher', having been shot in the crossfire between Vince and his own goons]

    Joseph Boffano: You're fucking crazy!

    Teacher: Badda-Bing.

    [Vincent empties the gun's chamber into Joseph]

  • Teacher: I'm sorry you hate me... but I do love you.

  • Teacher: All you need to say is two words... two specific words, though. What they are? 'Not. Guilty.'

  • [Vincent takes a picture of the class pledging allegence]

    Teacher: What the hell are you doing, Vincent?

    Vincent: I wanted to get a picture of what it looks like.

    Teacher: What what looks like?

    Vincent: People pledging allegence.

    [Class laughs]

  • Teacher: [during one of Nancy's classes] What is seen is not always what is real. According to Shakespeare, there was something operating in nature, perhaps inside human nature itself, that was rotten. A "canker", as he put it. Now, of course, Hamlet's response to this and to his mother's lies was to continually probe and dig. Just like the gravediggers, always trying to get beneath the surface. The same is true in a different way in Julius Caesar. John, will you go ahead, please?

    John, Kid in Classroom: [John stands in front of the class and reads from his textbook] "In the most high and palmy state of Rome, a little ere the mightiest Julius fell. The grave stood tenantless and the sheeted dead did squeak and gibber in the Roman streets."

    [Nancy dozes off]

    John, Kid in Classroom: "As stars with trains of fire and dues of blood disaster's in the sun and the most air upon whose influence Neptune's empire stands..."

    [his voice drowns out, Nancy opens her eyes to a voice out in the hallway and she looks over to see that it's Tina standing inside a bloody body bag calling her name, John's voice returns and in a more sinister tone]

    John, Kid in Classroom: "Oh, God, I could be bounded in a nutshell and count myself a king of infinite space were it not that I have bad dreams."

  • Teacher: Yes, I know, but these pictures...

    Rachel Keller: Are Aidan's way of working it out. He'll be okay.

    Teacher: [referring to Katie] You said that she died 3 days ago?

    Rachel Keller: Yes.

    Teacher: Aidan drew these last week.

  • Teacher: If the notes don't go together, they're only noises. But if they do, they become a beautiful chord. Listening to the sound is more important than singing well. You should be able to tell which sound goes well with which. Otherwise, they're noises. Like human relationships.

  • Teacher: Now we at least have peace and quiet, but that peace and quiet didn't mean the same thing.

  • Miss Evans: It was awful to see Manuela so drunk.

    Teacher: You have to drink sometimes, from anger, or worry. I understand it very well.

  • teacher: I'm the teacher. I can do whatever the hell I want.

Browse more character quotes from Spider-Man (2002)