Stu Quotes in X-Men (2000)

[In the ring, before the fight with Wolverine]

Emcee: Whatever you do, don't hit him in the balls.

Stu: You said "anything goes"!

Emcee: Anything goes, but he'll take it personal.

Stu: You owe me some money.

Stu's friend: Come on, Stu.

Stu: No one takes a beating like that without a mark to show for it.

Stu's friend: Come on, Stu...

Stu: [leans in, whispering] I know what you are.

Wolverine: You lost your money. You keep this up you'll lose something else.

Stu: [he has a reed up his nose, as a product of Fast Tony] I can smell the ocean!

Stu: Right now, she's a pebble in your shoe. You need to make her a stone on your path.

Stu: Okay, maybe real fire isn't the best idea for a children's toy.

[Stu is working on his latest invention to enter in a contest]

Drew: What is it, an electric sponge?

Stu: Of course not... That was last year.

[Tommy and Dil are fighting over Tommy's teddy bear]

Stu: Dil, what's say we give Tommy a little turn with the bear, hm?

[Takes the bear from Dil. Dil begins crying]

Stu: Or not.

[Gives the bear back to Dil. Tommy begins crying]

Julie: It looks so... new.

Stu: Well that's because it is new!

Julie: But the heirloom - your grandmother's ring...

Stu: What? You want a used ring?

Stu: So I thought what the hell I'm a big celebrity now, I can get all the chicks I want. Why get married? But on the other hand if you are married, no more stink eye. Plus they can't testify against you.

Herb: Testify about what?

Stu: [Showing the vampires Google] Anything you want to find you type it in.

Viago: I lost a really nice silk scarf in about 1912.

Deacon: Yes, now Google it.

Stu: I work for a company that... basically we take like business requirements from organizations, then we analyze those requirements and then we build software to fit those requirements.

Pauline Ivanovich, The Beast: He is a virgin. He is a virgin!

Mrs. Doubtfire: Sink the sub. Hide the weasel. Park the porpoise. A bit of the old Humpty Dumpty, Little Jack Horny, the Horizontal Mambo, hmm? The Bone Dancer, Rumpleforeskin, Baloney Bop, a bit of the old Cunning Linguistics?

Stu: Mrs. Doubtfire, please.

Mrs. Doubtfire: Oh I'm sorry, am I being a little graphic? I'm sorry. Well, I hope you're up for a little competition. She's got a power tool in the bedroom, dear. It's her own personal jackhammer. She could break sidewalk with that thing. She uses it and the lights dim, it's like a prison movie. Amazed she hasn't chipped her teeth.

Stu: [about Daniel] What can I say, Ron? The guy's a loser. See ya.

Mrs. Doubtfire: Loser? Oh, yeah.

[Takes a lime and throws it at Stu's head. Stu looks back, angry]

Mrs. Doubtfire: Oh, sir. I saw it! Some angry member of the kitchen staff, Did you not tip them? Oh, the terrorists! They ran that way. It was a run-by fruiting. I'll get them, sir. Don't worry.

[at the pool]

Stu: Your day's on me, Mrs Doubtfire. Anything you need, just put on my tab, okay?

Mrs. Doubtfire: Oh, thank you, dear.

[Stu leaves]

Mrs. Doubtfire: Touch me again, and I'll drown you.

Mrs. Doubtfire: Can you help me with something, I found this outside.

[holds up Mercedes hood ornament]

Stu: Uh, yes, this is off my, uh, Mercedes.

Mrs. Doubtfire: Off your Mercedes, dear, you own that big expensive car out there? Oh, dear. Well, they say a man who has to buy a big car like that is trying to compensate for smaller genitals.

Stu: People change, Ron. I'm pushing 40. I don't want to spend the rest of my life by myself.

Ron: She's got an awful lot of baggage, though. Three kids?

Stu: Three terrific kids, and I'm crazy about them, especially that little Natalie. Look at her. She's a sweetie pie. God knows they need some kind of stable father figure in their life right now.

Ron: What about their real father?

Stu: What can I say, Ron? The guy's a loser.

Maitre D': Smoking or non-smoking?

Stu: Non-smoking.

Mrs. Doubtfire: Smoking!

Stu: [asking the family if they'd like to go in the pool] How about you, Mrs. Doubtfire?

Mrs. Doubtfire: Oh, you wicked, wicked man! Isn't there enough flesh here to feast your eyes on?

Stu: Oh, come now, Mrs. Doubtfire, don't be bashful.

Mrs. Doubtfire: Oh, no, dear. I think they've outlawed whaling.

Stu: We're not gonna kill the dogs, Chow. This will knock them out for hours.

Mr. Chow: Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't know you worked for PETA. What a pussy.

Alan: Nothing worse than losing your phone.

Stu: You just saw a man get murdered. Your brother-in-law is kidnapped. You sure there's nothing worse?

Stu: Do you even know how to get home?

Alan: Of course I do. I'm a grown man. I'll ask a stranger.

Phil: Damn it! I left my phone in the Minivan.

Alan: Oh Phil, I have that find my phone app.

Phil: Alan, we have bigger problems than that at the moment.

Stu: No wait. If Chow has the minivan and your phone is in the minivan that means your phone is with Chow.

Alan: Stu, you heard Phil. We have bigger problems than that.

Stu: [upon arriving to Las Vegas] Someone needs to burn this place to the ground.

[the Wolf Pack is in a fight with cockerels]

Mr. Chow: Hold still, I'm trying to help!

[fires a gun wildly]

Stu: Are you out of your mind?

[from trailer]

[back in Vegas]

Stu: I told myself, I would never come back.

Phil: Don't worry, it all ends tonight...

[the Wolf Pack wake up in a honeymoon suite]

Stu: [sees he has implants] I have boobies now!

Cassie: [laughs] Oh my God...

Phil: [laughs] Holy shit!

Stu: It's not funny! Alan, what did you do? What did you do, Alan?

Alan: The wedding cake... it was from Leslie...

[Chow enters, naked and brandishing a sword]

Mr. Chow: [laughs] We had a sick night, bitches!

[the monkey jumps back on Stu]

[Marshall brings Stu, Phil, and Alan to his villa]

Marshall: Leslie Chow never lived here. You didn't break into his old house, you broke into MY house.

Phil: I don't understand.

Marshall: You didn't get back the gold he stole from me. You got the other half that he didn't.

Stu: Oh, my GOD!

Phil: You mean the half he never had?

Marshall: He's a world-class rat, and you 3 were his accomplices.

Stu: We had no idea!

Phil: We were trying to help you! We thought you'd be happy!

Marshall: [sarcastically] Thank you so much! Thank you for ripping me off! Thank you for desecrating my home! And THANK YOU FOR KILLING MY FUCKING DOGS!

Stu: We didn't kill your dogs! They're just tranquilized.

Marshall: Oh, right. You don't know. Chow snapped their necks on his way out.

Stu: What?

Black Doug: And somebody's gotta pay.

Marshall: He's right.

[points his gun at the Dougs]

Doug: No no no no, NO!

[Marshall shoots Black Doug and his body splashes into the pool]

Marshall: My head of security, couldn't stop 3 fuck-ups and a Chinaman with a pair of wire cutters. Unreal.

[to Phil, about Alan]

Stu: That place in Arizona's not going to help him. There is no facility that can fix this guy. We're going to spend the rest of our lives dealing with him, because we're all he has now. You realize that? We're it!

Stu: You just saw a man get murdered, your brother in law is kidnapped. Are you sure there is nothing worse?

Alan: You don't get it Stu. You just don't get it do you? I have over 60 apps on that phone! What if I lost my phone? Do you know how much time and man hours it would take to redownload those apps?

Stu: [Sarcastically] You are right. I didn't think about that, thank you.

Stu: I'm a dentist!

Phil: No, you're a fucking doctor! Now go get him!

[Stu chases Chow]

Phil: [to Alan while driving the Wolf Pack to Arizona] You know I meant to tell you earlier. That's a very cool vest you got on.

Alan: Thanks Phil it was my Dad's. He died in it.

Stu: Whoa! That's intense!

Stu: [looking at cup of coffee placed in front of him] That's not onion rings...

Lola: So how've you been?

Stu: Sober. I'm in recovery - again. Someone very sweet called me a drunk. And I didn't like it.

Stu: It's my mother's birthday today, I bought her a rug...

Stu: [Charlie wants Stu to change his looks through plastic surgery] Chuck, take a look around man. I mean, I can give you tits. You want tits?

Stu: I'd suck a fart out her asshole and hold it like a bong hit.

Charlie: What's sex without love?

Stu: Sex! It's still sex!

Charlie: Stu, Cam. Cam, Stu

Stu: It's actually *Doctor* Stu. I'm a reconstructive surgeon. If anyone has an accident or was born with a deformity, I'm there to help.

Charlie: And by "deformity" he means small breasts.

Stu: He's just jealous because he has to clean plaque all day long while I'm out making the world a better place.

Charlie: [about having meaningless sex with many women] It's not that satisfying.

Stu: I'll tell you not satisfying. Last night I masturbated into a grapefruit. I put it into a microwave and heated it up a little bit, which helped, but... still.

Charlie: It's that word, man. Love. I wanted to say it but I just couldn't. How could I say something if I don't feel it?

Stu: Easy. Lie! What do you think all relationships are based on, man? Lies!

Charlie: I have to set her free. Let nature take it's course. If you love something, set it free, right?

Stu: I think Cam is really going to respond to the new gay you, Chuck.

Charlie: Stu, I've lost the most special person in my life. I have to break this spell.

Stu: You haven't lost me, dude. I'm here for you always.

Charlie: Just drive the fucking car!

Charlie: I'm a doctor.

Stu: He's a heart surgeon. You're a dentist. It's like saying General Patton and Colonel Mustard are both military men.

Charlie: I've got to put the curse to the test. Where is she?

Stu: She's beached over there next to the giant garbage bag full of doughnut holes. Eleanor Skepple. She's angry, rude, and she smells bad. In addition to back acne, she's got front acne and side acne. You see that glass of water there? She keeps her teeth in that glass.

Charlie: So you're saying she's single.

Stu: She's your best bet, man. You sink the soldier all you want. This chick ain't never getting married. If she was the last woman on the face of the earth, humanity would come to a screeching halt.

Stu: What is it that all women want? To get married, raise crib midgets.

Charlie: If she wants me to be more like a gentoo, I'm going to be more like a gentoo.

Stu: You lost me.

Charlie: Gentoo. It's a monogamous penguin.

Stu: Who's ridiculed by the other penguins for being a *fag*.

Stu: If you were a hamburger at McDonald's, I'd name you my McBeautiful Titty Sandwich with titties on top.

Stu: I jerk off to her mammograms.

Stu: You remember Lara? Lara stepped out of heaven - and into my office to correct a "condition." She's got polymastia. Has more than two boobs. Isn't that perfect for me?

Stu: We got el shafto grande, we got no place to stay.

Adam: Why does OT have a knife in his mouth? Does he really expect trouble?

Stu: Nah, he always wanted to swim with one. He saw it once on television.

Stu: You know what it's like saving money in New York? It's like making it with your sister - it's just not done.

Vern: No, no, no, PPP is proper police procedure. PPD is an unknown DOA.

Stu: I thought that wsa a PPK. No, a PPK is what you do behind a tree after you see a stiff.

Stu: See anything?

Vern: Nothing but rocks.

[Vern takes binoculars from Stu]

Stu: Anything?

Vern: More rocks close up.

Stu: I have never done anything for anybody who couldn't do something for me. I string along an eager kid with promises I'll pay him money. I only keep him around because he looks up to me. Adam, if you're watching, don't be a publicist. You're too good for it. I lie in person and on the phone. I lie to my friends. I lie to newspapers and magazines who, who sell my lies to more and more people. I am just a part of a big cycle of lies, I should be fuckin' president. I wear all this Italian shit because underneath I still feel like the Bronx. I think I need these clothes and this watch. My two thousand dollar watch is a fake and so am I. I've neglected the things I should have valued most. I valued this shit. I take off my wedding ring to call Pam. Kelly, that's Pam. Don't blame her. I never told her I was married. And if I did she, she would have told me to go home. Kelly, looking at you now, I'm ashamed of myself. All right? I mean, I work so hard on this image, on Stu Shepherd, the asshole who refers to himself in the third person, that I only proved I should be alone. I have just been dressing up as something I'm not for so long, I'm so afraid no one will like what's underneath. But here I am, just flesh and blood and weakness, and uh and I love you so fucking much. And, um, I take off this ring because it only reminds me of how I've failed you, and I don't, don't want to give you up. I want to make things better, but it may not be my choice anymore. You deserve better.

[last lines]

The Caller: Nice shoes. Italian. You hung up, Stu. I didn't even have a chance to say goodbye. I feel bad about the pizza guy. But I couldn't miss seeing you and Kelly reunited. You don't have to thank me, nobody ever does. I just hope your newfound honesty lasts. Because if it doesn't, you'll be hearing from me.

Stu: [voice echoing, gasping] Help. Help, help. Help.

The Caller: [voiceover] Isn't it funny? You hear a phone ring and it could be anybody. But a ringing phone has to be answered, doesn't it?

[whispers]

The Caller: Doesn't it?

Stu: [to Caller] Stay the fuck out of this!

Capt. Ramey: Who do you keep talking to on the phone?

Stu: Nobody.

Capt. Ramey: Your ah... your friend, your parent, your lover? Who?

The Caller: Careful, Stuart. Careful.

Stu: My psychiatrist.

The Caller: [laughs] Excellent! I should have thought of that.

The Caller: You'd shoot me if you had the chance, wouldn't you?

Stu: With a big fucking smile on my face.

The Caller: There's the spirit.

The Caller: You're in this position because you're not telling the truth.

Stu: No, I'm in this fucking position because YOU HAVE A GUN!

Felicia: Goddammit, man! You gone made me hurt my dick hand.

Stu: Ooooh! I'm sure you're just as good with the other hand.

[Caller starts laughing]

Stu: Go away!

Felicia: I'll be back, bitch!

[to cyclist]

Felicia: Get out of my way!

The Caller: I was worried for you there, Stu. I thought she was going to poke an eye out with that... that *hand*.

Stu: You shoot the guy, and I'm responsible?

The Caller: It looked that way from up here.

Stu: I don't know what I did to you, but whatever it was I'm glad. Alright, I wish it had been worse, I wish you had fucking died.

The Caller: Yes! Finally some honesty.

The Caller: Well, there is someone I'd like you to call.

Stu: Name it.

The Caller: Try the number you dialed when you first got into the booth.

[Stu laughs nervously]

Stu: I don't know what you're talking about, pal.

The Caller: No? Lucky you then, because I wrote it down. I can see every number you pressed. Let's see if Pam is still at work.

Stu: No!

The Caller: Then I guess I'll have to do it.

Stu: Look, don't!

The Caller: Too late. It's already ringing. I'll put her on speaker so you can hear.

Stu: Yer fucking kiddin'!

The Caller: Stu, I never kid.

The Caller: If only you had dealt with the man decently, this might not have been necessary.

Stu: I offered him money. I offered him my watch.

The Caller: But not your respect, which is what he really wanted. You were dismissive just as you were to the nice pizza guy. You are guilty of inhumanity to your fellow man.

Pizza Guy: [knocks on phone booth] 'Scuse me.

Stu: I'm tryna make a call here.

Pizza Guy: This is for you. Half pepperoni, half mushroom, extra crisp.

Stu: You ever heard of delivering a pizza to a fucking phone booth? I don't think so.

Pizza Guy: [Reads address label on Pizza] Gentleman occupying phone booth, 53rd between Broadway and 8th.

Stu: It's a mistake.

Pizza Guy: What am I supposed to do with the pie? It's all paid for.

Stu: Homeless guy just ran the block, give him the pizza and say 'You can turn away from it but you can't make it go away', how's that?

Pizza Guy: [Tries to open phone booth door] But, they always...

Stu: [Stu gets agitated] GET OFF THE FUCKING PIZZA ALRIGHT?

Pizza Guy: That language is uncalled for.

Stu: Holy shit. I'm sorry. Please return to sender. FUCK OFF! Here you go, $5, eat the pizza yourself, you look like you could use a good meal.

Stu: You can see me right now?

The Caller: Uh-huh.

Stu: What am I doing?

[Stu scratches himself]

The Caller: You're scratching your ear. Now you're brushing your hair back.

[Stu gives the finger to the windows in the buildings around him]

The Caller: That isn't very nice, Stu.

Stu: Did you call me Stu? Who's Stu? I don't know any Stu.

The Caller: Why, do you prefer Stuart?

The Caller: And I wanted to fuck her.

Stu: And I wanted to sleep with her.

The Caller: No, and I wanted to fuck her. Say it. SAY IT!

Stu: And I wanted to fuck her. I'm sorry.

Kelly Shepard: Whatever you did, I don't care.

[sobbing]

Kelly Shepard: Please just... come out of the booth, okay?

Stu: That's all I did. That's all I did, I'm sorry.

[to the Caller]

Stu: All right, I've done what you asked. That's it. I've had enough of this game.

The Caller: I haven't.

Stu: You said you'd let us go.

The Caller: I changed my mind.

Stu: You miserable fuck! You can't do this... you can't do this to me. I took all your shit... I did everything you fucking asked!

[the Caller starts laughing again]

Stu: All right, you lied to me. I've had enough of this game. I've fucking had enough. You go fuck yourself. Later.

[Hangs up]

Stu: So you'd just whack me for no particular reason?

The Caller: Oh, I've got plenty of reasons. And you keep giving me more.

Stu: You shoot a gun here, there'll be pandemonium, cops will be swarming all over the block.

The Caller: Think so? Let's see. One...

[Stu ducks]

The Caller: Two. That won't help you. Three!

[fires gun and shoots a toy robot next to the phone booth - no one notices]

The Caller: Oh Stu, look at everybody. Look at all the people yelling, Stu. Here come the cops, sniper on the roof. Gunfire. Hit the deck.

The Caller: What they don't know, we do to them in our minds, isn't that right?

Stu: You sick fuck!

The Caller: Perfect violation.

The Caller: What if I told you I was just above the theater four floors up? See the pink curtains? There you go, Stuart, yes... Yoohoo... Yoohoo.

[laughs]

Stu: Why did you do that?

The Caller: Because it's fun!

Stu: [to Ramey] Look, I got issues I can't talk about!

The Caller: Yeah, lethal issues. Tell him to stay back.

Stu: [to "Corky"] Get the fuck outta here before I call Hillary and have you deported to New Jersey!

The Caller: The odds are even now, Stu. Isn't that what you wanted? You know where I am and you have a gun. If you have it in you, you can take me down.

Stu: Fuck! They'll kill me before I can get a shot at you.

The Caller: Ah, you're probably right. I wasn't really there anyway. You would've just spoiled some nice lady's curtains.

Felicia: Get done in there, gotta hit this trick spot before the next bitch take my score.

Stu: Look, go away!

Felicia: Go away? Hang up the fuckin' phone, nigger!

[Stu looks at Felicia and then closes the booth]

Felicia: This motherfucker, you don't eyeball me. Bitch!

[Felicia walks away]

Stu: You're not going to let us go. I know a thing or two about lies, and I know a thing or two about liars.

The Caller: Then why the confession?

Stu: [looks at Kelly] I didn't do it for you.

The Caller: If this is true Stuart, then I have to take somebody with me don't I? And since Kelly is the most important thing in your life, I'll take her.

Stu: No, take me! Take me! I'm the one you want!

Stu: GET HER OUTTA HERE!

Stu: I already told you this is a private conversation. Now, what the fuck do you want?

Capt. Ramey: I just want you to know, that it's safe outside the booth.

The Caller: No, it's not.

Stu: Always get out of the booth. I like in the fucking booth. It's my whole world now, this is my booth and I'm not coming out ever. You hear me? Never.

The Caller: [about Stu's wife, Kelly] You think she didn't know she was being watched.

Stu: What?

The Caller: But beautiful women always know. That false indifference, superior air. It's just a tease. They want eyes on them. Why does she put on her make up? Do her hair? Dress so nicely? Not for her husband which she hardly ever sees, no, it's for somebody else to notice... I notice.

The Caller: There are rounds left in it.

Stu: I totally couldn't give a shit.

Stu: [to caller] What are you gonna do about it up in your fucking high window with your goddamn binoculars?

The Caller: Stu, you didn't tell your wife the truth, you're cheating.

Stu: I'm not cheating on Kelly, I never have!

The Caller: Oh, then what do you call it?

Stu: Look, you're a guy. Sometimes you wanna know it's a possibility, all right? You know it's like having a beautiful home, but you still dream of that quick vacation down there, you know, some nice hotel, a great view, I don't know, maybe a pool. But it's a just a fantasy because you'll never really leave home! Do you hear what I'm saying?

The Caller: [laughs] Kelly is a home and Pam is a motel. I'm sure they'll both appreciate that.

Stu: Oh fuck you!

The Caller: Hey, that kind of language is uncalled for.

Stu: Stop fucking with my head!

Stu: Don't you dare fucking hurt her.

The Caller: Don't I dare?

Stu: I'm on my knees beggin' you not to kill me.

The Caller: At least now you'll die with a clean conscience.

Stu: No, you're the one who's gonna fucking die.

The Caller: Looks like someone watches the news

Stu: Who?

The Caller: [laughs] The motel.

The Caller: Stu, if you hang up, I will kill you.

Stu: What are you gonna do about it up in your fucking high window with your goddamn binoculars?

The Caller: I never said I had bincolars. I have a highly magnified telescopic image of you. Now what kind of a device has a telescopic sight mounted on it?

Stu: What, you mean like a rifle?

The Caller: A 30-calibre bolt-action 700 with a Carbon One modification and a state-of-the-art Hensoldt tactical scope. And it's staring straight at you.

Stu: Yeah, how's my fucking hair?

The Caller: [laughs] At this range, the exit wound ought to be about the size of a small tangerine.

Stu: Nice try pal, go to hell.

The Caller: [cocks gun] Now doesn't that just torque your jaws? I love that. You know like in the movies just as the good guy is about to kill the bad guy, he cocks his gun. Now why didn't he have it cocked? Because that sound is scary. It's cool, isn't it?

Stu: The first step to being noticed is being mentioned.

Stu: Where? Where are you?

The Caller: There are hundred of windows out there. Why don't you check them out?

Stu: So you're an actor?

The Caller: Yes, one of your pathetic failed ones. You don't have to come find me and ruin me, I can't get work as it is. I've done some off-Broadway, some off-Manhattan, but that dried up. Now I wait tables, clean toilets, anything I can to make the rent. I'm a walking cliché.

Stu: Stop this! I can't take this anymore.

The Caller: Look at these guys. You can smell the fear.

Stu: 10 cops.

The Caller: This reminds me of 'nam.

Stu: Vietnam?

The Caller: Yes, Vietnam.

Stu: I was too young to go, but I've seen pictures.

The Caller: Well, pictures can't do it, Stu. You can't imagine the fear, the stench, pigs eating napalm-charred bodies. Children leaving grenades in your boots.

Stu: [sputtering] A-and then you got blamed for the war.

The Caller: I came home and people spat on me.

Stu: This countr - this country owes you an apology. Look, I just had this vision of you coming back from the war, you know. Inured to the killing, not able to get work, isolated. I think that could be made into a pretty affecting story and one that, you know, everyone understands. And I think cops...

[the Caller starts chuckling]

Stu: I think they're on the side of vets.

The Caller: You are pathetic, Stu. Why don't you wake up? "Napalm-charred bodies"? I'd have to be 50 to be in that war!

Stu: What we've got here is a little paradise. And nothing attracts a serpent like a paradise.

Brandon Lang: [referring to which team Stu should bet on] Where's the action this weekend?

Stu: It's either Tampa or Oakland, everybody's jumping on Oakland right now.

Brandon Lang: That's crazy, that game's going to be won by coaching.

Stu: Whoever put that Oakland team together used to play with Tampa right?

Brandon Lang: Yeah, he knows every strength and every weakness, he knows Brown only likes to catch the ball over his left shoulder so his going to have to double team to the defend his right. He also knows Cannon only throws on three step drops so he's going to stack in the middle of the field with line backers, take away the short pass Cannon's going to throw three maybe four long passes on Sunday.

Stu: Oh fuck me.

Brandon Lang: You took O- town didn't you?

Stu: Yeah what'd you think?

Brandon Lang: I think I've got to save your ass one more time, take Tampa Bay Monday night they're going to win this game out right, so bet it big.

Stu: I hope you know them's the kids who just beat me up.

Stephen: I know who they are son.

Stu: Then why'd you give them Ma and Lidia's cotton candy?

Stephen: Because they look like that hadn't been given anything in a long time.

Stu: For what? To get our hopes up? To promise us we was gunna have a big house with a tire swing, vanity, and a picket fence, and then just leave, again? What the hell kinda loused up angel is that?

Lois: Don't you know nothing would have kept him from you. He's just gone home.

Stu: We're his home ma. The stupid lord can have him later. Why? Why does he have to take evrything, bad enough our home and all our things. Why'd he have take my daddy? What did I do so wrong that he had to take my daddy?

Lois: Oh no honey.

Stu: He could've taken anyone Charles Manson super old people that already been around a hundred years. My daddy was only 34 years old.

[looking up]

Stu: I needed him more than you God, I needed him more.

Lidia: What are you thinking?

Stu: If dad's watching... he can go now.

Lidia: He is watching.

Stephen: You otta call um the Limpkickies.

Stu: I like the Limpdickies.

Stu: Hey, why don't you leave him alone? Pick on somebody your own size. What's the matter, you guys afraid of a fair fight, one on one?

Leo Lipnicki: Maybe you git a point. Ebb...

Marsh: Stu... Stu... don't get yourself killed Stu.

Amber: You guys wanted that up there, then why didn't ya ask me?

Stu: Put that thing up there.

Amber: That the way you ask me? Ain't you not heard the word please?

Stu: Please?

Amber: Move outta my way, lightweight.

Stephen: Lidia hit him in the face with a rock? I think I'm gonna have to have a talk with that girl. Is she doing anything else I should know about?

Stu: Well yeah. She's doing a lot of things. But I don't think you should know about them.

Stu: What the hell. Dad. He's hitting our car.

Stephen: I see that.

Stu: My daddy says that people can do anything they want to as long as they believe they can. Please, God, let him live. You took my dad, don't take Billy. He's just a little kid.

[to Billy]

Stu: You gotta wake up now, you gotta live. You gotta!

Stephen: I'm afraid I can't allow you to put your hands on my son. You don't see me correcting your children. I don't mind so much you plowing into my car and I don't take offense at you calling me names. But you go after my child, you're going to push a button on me and then I'm going to lose control and kill you. Now apologize to my son.

Mr. Lipnicki: I apologize.

Stephen: That's mighty kind of you. My son has something to tell you. Apologize to Mr. Lipnicky, Stu. Tell him you're sorry for insulting him.

Stu: I'm sorry, Mr. Lipnicki.

Stu: Are you guys seriously bailing?

Marsh: Does Howdy Doody have wooden balls?

[Barry is silent after delivering his tirade against the callers]

Stu: Sixty seconds left in the show, Barry.

[long pause, Barry still says nothing]

Stu: This is dead air, Barry. *Dead air.*

[another long pause]

Barry: I guess... we're stuck with each other. This is Barry Champlain.

[Barry signs off]

Stu: Barry and I worked together for over seven years and whenever you threatened him over the air, man he would stick it right back in your face. It was like his dick was flapping in the wind and he'd like to see if he could get an erection. The guy had a little dick but he liked to flap it out there. Then they cut it off, so now he's dead. I don't know if you understand my analogy but it's the clearest one I can make.

Stu: If you don't like the heights, don't climb mountains!

Stu: You slip some testosterone into Barry's coffee?

Laura: The guy's possessed tonight. He's a little tense.

Barry: [distant shout] Get outta here!

Stu: Did you really call the police?

Sidney Prescott: You bet your sorry ass I did.

Stu: [starting to cry] My mom and dad are gonna be so mad at me!

Stu: Shit...

Billy: What?

Stu: Oh, shit.

Billy: [They go into the kitchen to find Sidney and Mr. Prescott gone] Where are they? Where are they?

Stu: I don't know, Billy, but I'm hurtin', man!

[the phone rings]

Stu: Should I let the machine get it?

Billy: [answers it] Hello?

Sidney Prescott: Are you alone in the house?

Billy: Bitch! You bitch, where the fuck are you?

Sidney Prescott: Not so fast, we're going to play a little game. It's called: Guess who just called the police and reported your sorry motherfucking ass!

[Stu is slowly collapsing to the floor]

Billy: Find her, you dipshit! Get up!

Stu: I can't, Billy. You already cut me too deep. I think I'm dying here, man!

[Billy gives Stu the phone]

Billy: [whispers] Talk to her. Talk to her.

Stu: Hello?

Sidney Prescott: Ah, Stu, Stu, Stu... What's your motive? Billy's got one. The police are on their way. What are you going to tell them?

Stu: Peer pressure. I'm far too sensitive.

[Billy takes the phone back]

Billy: I'm going to rip you up, bitch, just like your fucking mother!

Sidney Prescott: You've gotta find me first, you pansy-ass momma's boy!

Billy: Fuck!

[He accidentally hits Stu with the phone]

Stu: Ow! You fuckin' hit me with the phone, dick!

Randy: There are certain RULES that one must abide by in order to successfully survive a horror movie. For instance, number one: you can never have sex.

[crowd boos]

Randy: BIG NO NO! BIG NO NO! Sex equals death, okay? Number two: you can never drink or do drugs.

[crowd cheers and raises their bottles]

Randy: The sin factor! It's a sin. It's an extension of number one. And number three: never, ever, ever under any circumstances say, "I'll be right back." Because you won't be back.

Stu: I'm gettin' another beer, you want one?

Randy: Yeah, sure.

Stu: I'll be right back.

[crowd cheers]

Randy: See, you push the laws and you end up dead. Okay, I'll see you in the kitchen with a knife.

Stu: I wanna see breasts. I wanna see Jamie Lee's breasts. When do we see Jamie Lee's breasts?

Randy: Breasts? Not until "Trading Places" in 1983. Jamie Lee was always a virgin in horror movies. She didn't show her tits 'til she went legits.

Stu: [speaking into voicebox] Surprise, Sidney.

Sidney Prescott: Why? Why did you kill my mother?

Billy: Why? WHY! You hear that, Stu? I think she wants a motive.

[Stu Chortles]

Billy: Well, I don't really believe in motives, Sid. I mean did Norman Bates have a motive?

Stu: No.

Billy: Did we ever find out why Hannibal Lecter like to eat people? DON'T THINK SO! See, it's a lot more scarier when there's no motive, Sid. We did your Mom a favour, Sid. That woman was a slut-bag whore who flashed her shit all over town like she was Sharon Stone or somethin'.

Stu: Yeah, we put her out of her misery, 'cause let's face Sidney, your mother was no Sharon Stone, hmm?

Billy: Is that motive enough for you? How about this? Your slut mother was fucking my father, and she's the reason my mom moved out and abandoned me.

[Sid looks astonished]

Billy: How's that for a motive? Maternal abandonment causes serious deviant behavior. It certainly fucked you up. It made you have sex with a psychopath.

Stu: That's right. You gave it up. Now, you're no longer a virgin. You're not a virgin. Now you got to die. Those are the rules.

Billy: So, this game is like a scary movie, Sid. How do you think it's going to end?

Stu: Oh, this is the greatest fun. You're going to love this. We got a surprise for you, Sidney. Yeah, you're going to love this one. It's a scream, baby. Hold a second, be right back.

Stu: Liver alone!

Sidney Prescott: How do you - gut someone?

Stu: You take a knife and you slit 'em from groin to sternum.

Billy: Hey. It's called tact, you fuck-rag.

Stu: I will totally protect you. Yo, I am so buff, I got you covered, girl.

Stu: Because there's no way a girl could have killed them.

Tatum: That is so sexist. The killer could easily be female. Basic Instinct.

Randy: That was an ice pick. Not exactly the same thing.

Stu: Yeah, Casey and Steve were completely hollowed out. Takes a man to do something like that.

Tatum: Or a man's mentality.

[Billy and Stu are looking for the gun]

Billy: Where the fuck is it?

Gale: [off camera] Right here, asshole.

Billy: I thought she was dead.

Stu: She looked dead, man. Still does.

Stu: As if.

Randy: Oh, really, Alicia?

Stu: I didn't kill anybody.

Billy: Nobody said you did.

Stu: Thanks, buddy!

Randy: Besides... "Takes a MAN to do something like that!"

Stu: I ought to gut your ass in a second, kid.

Randy: [using Jerry Lewis' voice] Tell me something. Did you really put her liver in the mailbox? Because I heard they found her liver in the mailbox next to her spleen and her pancreas.

Stu: I always had a thing for ya, Sid!

[She bites his hand and he screams]

Stu: Ohhhhh, God! Bitch!

Sidney Prescott: In your dreams!

[She shoves the television at him]

[a student dressed as the Ghostface killer is running down the halls screaming]

Sidney Prescott: Why are they doing this?

Stu: Look at this place, it's like Christmas!

Tatum: [to Stu] Stupidity leak!