Phil Quotes in Central Intelligence (2016)

Phil: [Calvin falls flat on his face] What was that for?

Calvin Joyner: I was doing a backflip.

Phil: Your point?

Calvin Joyner: A distraction.

Phil: For what?

[Bob shows up behind Phil and rips open his throat]

Bob Stone: Phil, when this thing is over, I'm going to rip your throat out like Patrick Swayze in Road House.

Phil: Oh, my God. You and Road House. Get over that movie. It sucked then, it sucks now. The only movie that sucks worse is Sixteen Candles.

Phil: How dare you!

Phil: Nice throw, bitch!

Carter: Stitch this mutt up, Phil.

Phil: Any Polaroids or trophies?

Carter: No, not this time.

Phil: I don't like nuts! And Javier would feed a lot for people.

Phil: Your brother could con a leopard out of its stripes.

Aileen: This is a Cadillac without doors.

Phil: So what? It's a Cadillac.

[Hercules has been trying to kill the hydra, which now has umpteen heads]

Phil: Will you forget the head-slicing thing?

Meg: Is Wonderboy here for real?

Phil: What are you talkin' about? Of course he's real.

[gets a proper look at her]

Phil: Whoa! And by the way, sweet cheeks... I'm real, too.

Phil: Yeah, I had a dream. I dreamed I would train the greatest hero there ever was. So great the gods would hang a picture of him in the stars for everyone to see. And everyone would say, "That's Phil's boy." That's right. Ah, but dreams are for rookies, kid. A guy can only take so much disappointment.

Phil: [training Hercules in knife-throwing] Rule number 95, kid: concentrate.

[Hercules misses the targets and pins Phil against the wall with his knives]

Phil: Rule number 96: aim!

Phil: I trained all those would-be heroes. Odysseus, Perseus, Theseus. A lot of "yeuseus." And every one of those bums let me down flatter than a discus. None of them could go the distance.

Phil: Kid, listen to me. She's...

Hercules: A dream come true?

Phil: Not exactly.

Hercules: More beautiful than Aphrodite?

Phil: Aside from that.

Hercules: The most wonderful...

Phil: She's a fraud! She's been playing you for a sap!

Hercules: Stop kidding, Phil.

Phil: I'm not kidding.

Phil: I know your upset about today, but that's no...

Phil: You're missin' the point!

Hercules: I love her!

Phil: She don't love you! She's nothing but a two-timin'...

Hercules: Stop it!

Phil: Low-down, lyin', schemin'...

Hercules: Stop it!

[hits Phil]

Phil: Listen to me. I've seen 'em all, and I'm telling you - and this is the honest to Zeus truth - you got something I've never seen before.

Hercules: Really?

Phil: I feel it right down to these stubby bowlegs of mine. There is nothing you can't do, kid.

[the door bursts open and a swarm of fan girls mobs Hercules]

Fan Girl #1: There he is!

Fan Girl #2: I touched his elbow!

Fan Girl #1: I GOT HIS SWEAT BAND!

Hercules: [goes down] Phil... help!

Phil: [singing] So you wanna be a hero, kid? Well, whoop-dee-do. / I've been around the block before with blockheads just like you / Each and every one a dissapointment / Pain for which there ain't no ointment / So much for excuses / Thou' a kid of Zeus is / Asking me to jump into the fray / My answer is two words...

[Hit by lightning]

Phil: Okay.

Phil: And then there was Achilles. Now there was a guy who had it all, the build, the foot speed. He could jab. He could take a hit. He could keep on comin'. But that furshlugginer heel of his! He barely gets nicked there once, and kaboom! He's history.

Meg: Phil! Phil, Hercules needs your help.

Phil: What does he need me for when he's got friends like you?

Meg: He won't listen to me.

Phil: Good! He's finally learned something.

Meg: Look, I know what I did was wrong, but this isn't about me, it's about *him*. If you don't help him now, Phil, he'll die.

Phil: [while Hercules is fighting the River Guardian] Use your head!

[Hecules runs and hits the River Guardian with his head]

Phil: Not bad. Not what I meant, but not bad.

Phil: Careful, that's part of the mast of the Argo.

Young Hercules: *The* Argo?

Phil: Ya. Who do you think taught Jason how to sail? Cleopatra?

Phil: What's the matter? You never seen a satyr before?

Young Hercules: Uh, no. Can you help us? We're looking for someone called Philoctetes.

Phil: Call me Phil.

Phil: The one and only Thebes. The Big Olive itself. If you can make it there, you can make it anywhere.

Street Salesman: Hey, Mack...

[opens his coat]

Phil: Whoa, whoa, whoa!

Street Salesman: You wanna buy a sundial?

Phil: [running behind Hercules] I'm right behind ya, kid!

[lagging after, panting]

Phil: Whoo. I'm way behind ya, kid. I got a fur wedgie.

Young Hercules: But if I don't become a true hero, I'll never be able to rejoin my father Zeus.

Phil: Hold it. Zeus is your father, right?

Young Hercules: Uh-huh.

Phil: [giggling] Zeus, the big guy. He's your daddy. Ha-ha-ha. Mr Lightning Bolts. "Read me a book, would you, Da-Da?" Ha-ha-ha. Zeus.

Phil: [mimics Zeus] "Once upon a time... " Ha-ha-ha.

Young Hercules: It's the truth.

Phil: Please.

Young Hercules: I need your help. I want to become a hero, a true hero.

Phil: Sorry, kid. Can't help ya.

Young Hercules: Wait.

[Hercules rips out the door trying to open it]

Young Hercules: Uh, sorry. Why not?

Phil: Two words: I-am-retired.

[after almost getting knocked down by a chariot]

Phil: Hey, I'm *walkin'* here!

Hercules: So what's in Thebes?

Phil: A lot of problems. It's a big, tough town. Good place to start building a rep.

[Suddenly, a woman's scream is heard]

Phil: Sounds like your basic DID: a damsel in distress.

[the Hydra appears]

Hercules: Phil, what is that thing?

Phil: Two words:

[Hydra shrieks]

Phil: Am-scray!

Burnt Man: Hey, isn't that the goat-man who trained Achilles?

Phil: Watch it, pal!

Tall Thebian: Yeah, you're right. Hey, uh, nice job on those heels! Ya missed a spot!

Phil: You... I got your heel! Right here!

[Phil head-butts the Tall Thebian]

Phil: Keep your toga on, pal.

Phil: Rein it in, rookie. You can get away with mistakes like those in the minor decathalons, but this is the big leagues.

Phil: Kid, kid, kid. How many horns do you see?

Hercules: Six?

Phil: Ah, close enough. Let's get you cleaned up.

Phil: Nymphs, they can't keep their hands off me.

Phil: I thought you were going to be the all-time champ, not the all-time chump.

[Hercules and Phil get on Pegasus and fly off. Hercules is distracted thinking of Meg]

Phil: Hey, watch it!

[dodges a branch]

Phil: Watch it!

[turns Hercules head]

Phil: Keep your goo goo eyes on the...

[another branch hits Phil, he falls off of Pegasus and hits his head on the ground]

Phil: [dizzy] That's it! Next time I drive...

[faints]

Phil: Don't you pea brains get it? This kid is the genuine article!

SpongeBob SquarePants: Take it easy, friend, I'm the manager of this establishment. Everything's gonna be juust fine.

Phil: I'm really scared here, man.

SpongeBob SquarePants: You got a name?

Phil: Phil

SpongeBob SquarePants: You got a family Phil?

Phil: [can't speak, too scared]

SpongeBob SquarePants: [snapping his fingers] Come on Phil, stay with me, lets hear about that family!

Phil: I got a wife, and two beautiful children

SpongeBob SquarePants: Thats what it's all about. I want you to do me a favour Phil.

Phil: What?

SpongeBob SquarePants: Say cheese.

[Slowly places the cheese in the Krabby Patty while a sound like a heartrate monitor starts speeding up in the backround]

SpongeBob SquarePants: [after coming out of the Krusty Krab restaurant with the now smiling Phil holding a Krabby Patty with cheese] Order Up!

Mick "Crocodile" Dundee: Couldn't you just buy the actual paintings?

Phil: Maybe for a big motion picture like Mission Impossible 3. But I haven't seen Tom Cruise around the set, have you?

Mick "Crocodile" Dundee: [thinking] Tom Cruise... what's he look like?

Phil: [confused] Like Tom Cruise...... Geez Mick, where you born in a cave?

Mick "Crocodile" Dundee: Yeah! How'd you know that?

Phil: Never mind.

Phil: I didn't know she could fly.

Lil: I think it's 'cause she's a witch.

[first lines]

Chuckie Finster: This place gives me the juice bumps.

Phil: Maybe we should go back.

Lil: Very back!

Tommy Pickles: No! We can't go back now, you guys! Okey-Dokey Jones never goes back!

Lil: We're taking Dil back to the hopsicle, Tommy. We're gonna get your moneys back.

Tommy Pickles: What? You can't do that. My mommy and daddy wanna keep him.

Chuckie Finster: See? See?

Phil: Why? All he does is cry and poop.

Tommy Pickles: So do you!

Phil: I don't cry *that* much.

Tommy Pickles: Well, you poop an awful lot!

Phil: Look who's talking, Mr. Chocolate Pants!

Tommy Pickles: I am not a poopie monster!

Phil: Thank Bob!

Lil: Thank you Bob!

Chuckie Finster: Hey, you guys, help me! The monkeys is trying to take Tommy's brother!

Phil: ...So?

Louis Zamperini: NOW you're praying?

Phil: I was busy before.

Louis Zamperini: My mother does that sometimes.

Phil: Yeah... a lot of people do this.

Louis Zamperini: He say anything back?

Phil: Yeah.

Louis Zamperini: What?

Phil: He says my bombardier's a dope.

Louis Zamperini: ...Really?

Cup: Well, this is like sitting in the living room, trying to fly the house.

Phil: They've been taking parts off this for other planes. We're lucky it's still got an engine.

Cup: Well, the lieutenant says it's airworthy. It's been certified, he says.

Phil: ...by Helen Keller.

Phil: Remember that story in LIFE magazine? about Eddie Richenbacker? Him and his crew ran out of fuel over the Pacific and were drifting in a raft for twenty-four days... twenty-four days.

Louis Zamperini: They made it, right?

Phil: Yeah... most of them lost their minds, but they made it.

[first lines]

Phil: [in cockpit] We are here.

Cup: [over radio] At 8,000 feet. This is it, boys.

Phil: [over radio] You got it, Zamp?

Louis Zamperini: [dialing in bombing scope] Roger.

Lambert: You hit this one, drinks are on me.

Louis Zamperini: I ain't going to a bar with you, handsome. You confuse all the broads.

Mac: [wolf-whistles]

Phil: Get your cameras, boys. I'm gonna light it up like Christmas.

Don: I'll fold.

Phil: Fold? Is that the only word you learnt at school?

Don: No, I also learned the word cunt!

Phil: Man loses his wife, he's a widower. Child loses a parent, they're an orphan. But losing a child... there is no word for this. And it shouldn't be.

Phil: Well, what if there is no tomorrow? There wasn't one today.

Phil: Do you ever have déjà vu, Mrs. Lancaster?

Mrs. Lancaster: I don't think so, but I could check with the kitchen.

Phil: What would you do if you were stuck in one place and every day was exactly the same, and nothing that you did mattered?

Ralph: That about sums it up for me.

Phil: You want a prediction about the weather, you're asking the wrong Phil. I'll give you a winter prediction: It's gonna be cold, it's gonna be grey, and it's gonna last you for the rest of your life.

Ned: Phil? Hey, Phil? Phil! Phil Connors? Phil Connors, I thought that was you!

Phil: Hi, how you doing? Thanks for watching.

[Starts to walk away]

Ned: Hey, hey! Now, don't you tell me you don't remember me because I sure as heckfire remember you.

Phil: Not a chance.

Ned: Ned... Ryerson. "Needlenose Ned"? "Ned the Head"? C'mon, buddy. Case Western High. Ned Ryerson: I did the whistling belly-button trick at the high school talent show? Bing! Ned Ryerson: got the shingles real bad senior year, almost didn't graduate? Bing, again. Ned Ryerson: I dated your sister Mary Pat a couple times until you told me not to anymore? Well?

Phil: Ned Ryerson?

Ned: Bing!

Phil: Bing.

Phil: [talking to a sleeping Rita] I think you're the kindest, sweetest, prettiest person I've ever met in my life. I've never seen anyone that's nicer to people than you are. The first time I saw you... something happened to me. I never told you but... I knew that I wanted to hold you as hard as I could. I don't deserve someone like you. But if I ever could, I swear I would love you for the rest of my life.

Rita: Did you say something?

Phil: Good night.

Phil: This is one time where television really fails to capture the true excitement of a large squirrel predicting the weather.

Ned: Phil?

Phil: Ned?

[Punches Ned in the face]

[Phil Connors is stopped by the police after some crazy driving]

Phil: Yeah, three cheeseburgers, two large fries, two chocolate shakes and one large coke.

Ralph: [to Phil] And some flapjacks.

Phil: [to Cop] Too early for flapjacks?

Rita: Do you every have déjà vu?

Phil: Didn't you just ask me that?

Rita: [as Phil kisses Rita over and over discovering that he has finally passed Groundhog Day] Phil, why weren't you like this last night? You just fell asleep.

Phil: It was the end of a VERY long day.

Phil: When Chekhov saw the long winter, he saw a winter bleak and dark and bereft of hope. Yet we know that winter is just another step in the cycle of life. But standing here among the people of Punxsutawney and basking in the warmth of their hearths and hearts, I couldn't imagine a better fate than a long and lustrous winter.

Phil: I'm a god.

Rita: You're God?

Phil: I'm a god. I'm not *the* God... I don't think.

Phil: I was in the Virgin Islands once. I met a girl. We ate lobster, drank piña coladas. At sunset, we made love like sea otters.

[Ralph and Gus snort]

Phil: *That* was a pretty good day. Why couldn't I get *that* day over, and over, and over...

Phil: It's the same thing your whole life: "Clean up your room. Stand up straight. Pick up your feet. Take it like a man. Be nice to your sister. Don't mix beer and wine, ever." Oh yeah: "Don't drive on the railroad track."

Gus: Well, Phil, that's one I happen to agree with.

Phil: Do you know what today is?

Rita: No, what?

Phil: Today is tomorrow. It happened.

[Driving down the railroad tracks toward an approaching train]

Phil: I'm betting he's going to swerve first.

Phil: I have been stabbed, shot, poisoned, frozen, hung, electrocuted, and burned.

Rita: Oh, really?

Phil: ...and every morning I wake up without a scratch on me, not a dent in the fender... I am an immortal.

Phil: [Holding Phil the Groundhog behind the wheel] Don't drive angry. Don't drive angry!

Piano Teacher: Not bad... Mr. Connors, you say this is your first lesson?

Phil: Yes, but my father was a piano *mover*, so...

Rita: [Phil has described several people in the diner] What about me, Phil? Do you know me too?

Phil: I know all about you. You like producing, but you hope for more than Channel 9 Pittsburgh.

Rita: Well, everyone knows that!

Phil: You like boats, but not the ocean. You go to a lake in the summer with your family up in the mountains. There's a long wooden dock and a boathouse with boards missing from the roof, and a place you used to crawl underneath to be alone. You're a sucker for French poetry and rhinestones. You're very generous. You're kind to strangers and children, and when you stand in the snow you look like an angel.

Rita: [in wonder] How are you doing this?

Phil: I told you. I wake up every day, right here, right in Punxsutawney, and it's always February 2nd, and there's nothing I can do about it.

Felix's Wife: Dr. Connors. I want to thank you for fixing Felix's back. He can even help around the house again.

Phil: I'm sorry to hear that, Felix.

Phil: There is no way that this winter is *ever* going to end as long as this groundhog keeps seeing his shadow. I don't see any other way out. He's got to be stopped. And I have to stop him.

Phil: Why are you here?

Rita: You said stay so I stayed.

Phil: I can't even make a collie stay.

Phil: Come on, *all* the long distance lines are down? What about the satellite? Is it snowing in space? Don't you have some kind of a line that you keep open for emergencies or for celebrities? I'm both. I'm a celebrity in an emergency.

Rita: This day was perfect. You couldn't have planned a day like this.

Phil: Well, you can. It just takes an awful lot of work.

Phil: So, did you sleep OK without me? You tossed and turned, didn't you?

Rita: You're incredible.

Phil: Who told you?

Rita: What should we drink to?

Phil: I'd like to say a prayer and drink to world peace.

[sitting outside the local bank]

Phil: A gust of wind.

[a gust of wind blows]

Phil: A dog barks.

[a dog barks in the distance]

Phil: Cue the truck.

[an armored truck drives up]

Phil: Exit Herman; walk out into the bank.

[Herman gets out of the armored truck and walks into the bank]

Phil: Exit Felix, and stand there with a not-so-bright look on your face.

[Felix gets out of truck and stands there]

Phil: All right, Doris, come on. Hey, fix your bra, honey... That's better.

[Doris walks up fixing her outfit]

Phil: [impersonating Doris] Felix.

[Doris says, "Felix"]

Phil: [impersonating Felix] How ya doin' Doris?

[Felix asks Doris a question]

Phil: [impersonating Doris] Can I have a roll of quarters?

[Doris asks Felix for a roll of quarters]

Phil: [Phil stands up and begins to walk towards the armored car, counting to himself]

Phil: 10, 9, 8, car...

[a car drives in front of Phil]

Phil: ...6, 5, quarters...

[roll of quarters breaks open, hitting the ground]

Phil: ...3, 2...

[Phil reaches over Felix and takes a bag of money out of the back of the armored truck]

Herman: Felix, did I bring out two bags or one?

Felix: I dunno.

[scratches his head]

Phil: You wanna throw up here, or you wanna throw up in the car?

Ralph: I think... both.

Rita: It's beautiful. I don't know what to say.

Phil: I do. Whatever happens tomorrow, or for the rest of my life, I'm happy now... because I love you.

Mrs. Lancaster: [on the second day] Will you be checking out today, Mr. Connors?

Phil: [hesitantly] Change of departure today:... Eighty percent?... seventy-five/eighty?

Psychiatrist: That's an unusual problem, Mr. Connors. Uh, Most of my work is with couples, families. I have an alcoholic now.

Phil: Well you went to college, right? I mean, it wasn't veterinary psychology, was it? Didn't you take some kind of course that covered this stuff?

Psychiatrist: Yeah, sort of, I guess. Uh, abnormal psychology.

Phil: So, what do I do?

Psychiatrist: I think we should meet again. How's tomorrow for you?

[Phil begins punching himself in the head through pillow]

Psychiatrist: Is that not good?

Phil: Ned, I would love to stay here and talk with you... but I'm not going to.

Man in Hallway: Think it'll be an early spring?

Phil: Winter, slumbering in the open air, wears on its smiling face a dream... of spring. Ciao.

Man in Hallway: [Absolutely chuffed] Ciao.

Rita: I like to see a man of advancing years throwing caution to the wind. It's inspiring in a way.

Phil: My years are not advancing as fast as you might think.

Rita: What did you do today?

Phil: Oh, same-old same-old.

Man in Hallway: Morning. Off to see the groundhog?

Phil: Yeah.

Man in Hallway: Think it'll be an early spring?

Phil: Didn't we do this yesterday?

Man in Hallway: I don't know what you mean.

Phil: [slams him against the wall] Don't mess with me, pork chop. What day is this?

Man in Hallway: It's February 2nd. Groundhog Day.

Phil: Yeah. I'm sorry. You know, I thought it was yesterday.

[laughs]

Man in Hallway: Oh.

[chuckles nervously]

Phil: Something is... different.

Rita: Good or bad?

Phil: Anything different is good.

Phil: Hey commander, what's going on?

State Trooper: There's nothing going on. We're closing the road. Big blizzard moving in.

Phil: What blizzard? It's a couple of flakes.

State Trooper: Don't you listen to the weather? We got a major storm here.

Phil: I make the weather! All of this moisture coming up out of the Gulf is gonna push off to the east and hit Altoona.

State Trooper: Pal, you got that moisture on your head. Now you can go back to Punxsutawney, or you can go ahead and freeze to death. It's your choice. So what's it gonna be?

Phil: [pauses] I'm thinking...

Mrs. Lancaster: [on the first day] Will you be checking out today, Mr. Connors?

Phil: [snidely] Chance of departure today: one hundred percent!

[Waking after a night of reading poetry and only chaste sleep with Rita, Phil jumps out of bed, determined to show himself as a new and likable man. He gives a wad of cash to the Old Man beggar and shows up early for the photo shoot, carrying a tray of coffees just the way that Rita and Larry like them, and with Larry's favorite pastry]

Phil: Who wants coffee? Get it while it's hot!

Rita: [surprised] Oh! Thanks, Phil!

Phil: [Handing Larry a lidded styrofoam container of coffee] Larry? Skim milk, two sugar.

Larry: [Also surprised] Yeah. Thanks, Phil!

Phil: Pastry?

[Phil offers the tray to Rita, who looks enticed, but says:]

Rita: No. We're just setting up.

Phil: Pastry, Larry? Take your pick.

Larry: Well, thanks, Phil. Raspberry, great.

Phil: Say, I was just talking with Buster Green, he's the head groundhog honcho. And he said, if we set up over here

[he points his thumb over his shoulder]

Phil: , we might get a better shot. What do you think?

[Rita is still surprised that Phil Connors is being so thoughtful and helpful]

Rita: Sounds good.

Phil: Larry, what do you think?

[It is obvious that Phil has never asked for Larry's opinion in his life, and Larry grins]

Larry: Yeah. Let's go for it.

Rita: [Pleased] Good work, Phil.

Phil: Maybe we'll get lucky. Let me give you a hand with the heavy stuff.

[Phil takes the backpack and news-camera]

Larry: Uh...

Phil: No, no, you got your coffee.

[They start to walk to the "better" spot]

Phil: We never talk, Larry. Do you have kids?

[Rita stares in astonishment, then slowly follows them]

Phil: I am not making it up. I am asking you for help.

Rita: Okay, what do you want me to do?

Phil: I don't know. You're a producer. Come up with something.

Rita: Are you drunk or something?

Phil: Drunk is more fun.

Ned: So what are you doing for dinner?

Phil: Umm... something else.

Mrs. Lancaster: Did you sleep well, Mr. Connors?

Phil: I slept alone, Mrs. Lancaster.

Phil: Can I be serious with you with you for a minute?

Rita: I don't know. Can you?

Phil: Can I talk to you about a matter that is not work-related?

Rita: You never talk about work.

[last lines]

Phil: It's so beautiful!... Let's live here.

[he kisses Rita]

Phil: We'll rent, to start.

Ned: Phil, this is the best day of my life.

Phil: Mine too.

Rita: Mine too.

Ned: Where are we going?

Rita: Oh, let's not spoil it!

Phil: Well maybe the *real* God uses tricks, you know? Maybe he's not omnipotent. He's just been around so long he knows everything.

Rita: Believe it or not, I studied nineteenth-century French poetry.

Phil: La fille que j'aimera Sera comme bon vin Qui se bonifiera Un peux chaques matin

Rita: You speak French?

Phil: Oui.

Phil: I killed myself so many times I don't even exist anymore.

Nurse: Sometimes, people just die.

Phil: Not today.

Phil: I don't suppose there's any chance of a espresso or cappuccino?

Mrs. Lancaster: [confused look] Oh, I don't know...

Phil: [turns away, to self] ... how to /spell/ espresso or cappuccino.

Rita: Would you like to come to dinner with Larry and me?

Phil: No thank you. I've seen Larry eat.

Phil: Well, it's Groundhog Day... again...

Gus: Phil? Like the groundhog Phil?

Phil: Yeah, like the groundhog Phil.

Gus: Look out for your shadow there, buddy.

Phil: Morons, your bus is leaving.

Phil: Nancy: she works in the dress shop and makes noises like a chipmunk when she gets *real* excited.

Nancy: Hey!

Phil: It's true.

Phil: You know, people like blood sausage, too. People are morons.

[first lines]

Phil: Somebody asked me today, "Phil, if you could be anywhere in the world, where would you like to be?" And I said to him, "Prob'ly right here - Elko, Nevada, our nation's high at 79 today." Out in California, they're gonna have some warm weather tomorrow, gang wars, and some *very* overpriced real estate. Up in the Pacific Northwest, as you can see, they're gonna have some very, very tall trees.

Rita: Don't you worry about cholesterol?

Phil: I don't worry about anything.

Phil: I think people place too much emphasis on their careers. I wish we could all live in the mountains at high altitude. That's where I see myself in five years. How about you?

Rita: Oh, I agree. I just like to go with the flow. See where it leads me.

Phil: Well, it's led you here.

Rita: Mm hmm. Of course it's about a million miles from where I started out in college.

Phil: You weren't in broadcasting or journalism?

Rita: Uh unh. Believe it or not, I studied 19th-century French poetry.

Phil: [laughs] What a waste of time! I mean, for someone else that would be an incredible waste of time. It's so bold of you to choose that. It's incredible; you must have been a very very strong person.

Phil: [to Rita] I'm reliving the same day over and over.

Phil: To the groundhog.

Rita: I always drink to world peace.

Phil: Uh, Mrs. Lancaster, uh, was anybody looking for me here this morning? Perhaps a state official? Maybe a blue hat, gun, nightstick?

Mrs. Lancaster: Oh, no, no one like that. Will there be?

Phil: Apparently not.

Phil: Yo, mom. Isn't there any hot water?

Mrs. Lancaster: [laughs] Oh, no. There wouldn't be today.

Phil: [laughs sarcastically] Of course not. Silly me.

Phil: For your information, Hairdo, there is a major network interested in me.

Larry: Yeah, that would be the Home Shopping Network.

Phil: [Upon waking up and realizing his attempt to kill himself failed] Ah, nuts.

Phil: [holds up his drink for the bartender] Could I have one more of these with some booze in it please?

Phil: [Does a double take at Larry] Wow! Looking *foxy* tonight man! Hey, is your troop gonna be selling cookies again this year?

Larry: [Sarcastically] Oh that's so funny Phil!

Phil: Can I have another one of these with some booze in it?

[upon seeing its Groundhog Day again]

Phil: What the hell?

Phil: [driving a car on the train tracks] We could do whatever we want.

Phil: Morons, your bus is leaving.

Phil: [to Rita] Is there anything I can do for you... today?

Phil: I'm not going to live by their rules anymore.

Rita: You're missin' all the fun! These people are great! Some of them have been partyin' all night long! They sing songs 'till they get too cold and then they go sit by the fire and they get warm, and then they come back and sing some more!

Phil: Yeah, they're hicks, Rita!

Phil: Commander, what's going on?

Groundhog Official: There's nothing going on. We're closing the road. Big blizzard moving in.

Phil: What blizzard? It's a couple flakes.

Groundhog Official: Don't you listen to the weather? We got a major storm here.

Phil: I make the weather! All this moisture coming up out of the Gulf will push off to the east and hit Altoona.

Groundhog Official: Pal, you got that moisture on your head. You can go back to Punxsutawney or you can freeze to death. It's your choice. What's it gonna be?

Phil: [pauses] I'm thinking...

Rita: Where were you?

Phil: [referring to Ned] It was awful. A giant leech got me.

Phil: Ned Ryerson?

Ned: BING!

Phil: So what do you want out of life anyway?

Rita: I guess I want what everybody wants. You know, career, love, marriage, children.

Phil: Are you seeing anyone?

Rita: I think this is getting too personal. I don't think I'm ready to share this with you.

[Phil nods]

Rita: How about you? What do you want?

Phil: What I really want is someone like you.

Rita: [chuckles] Oh, please.

Phil: Well, why not? What are you looking for? Who is your perfect guy?

Phil: Well, first of all, he's too humble to know he's perfect.

Phil: That's me.

Rita: He's intelligent, supportive, funny...

Phil: Intelligent, supportive, funny... me, me, me...

Rita: He's romantic and courageous...

Phil: Me also...

Rita: He's got a good body, but he doesn't have to look in the mirror every two minutes.

Phil: I have a great body, and sometimes I go months without looking.

Rita: He's kind and sensitive and gentle, he's not afraid to cry in front of me...

Phil: This is a man we're talking about, right?

Rita: He likes animals and children and he'll change poopy diapers...

Phil: Does he have to use the word poopy?

Rita: Oh, and he plays an instrument, and he loves his mother.

Phil: I am really close on this one... really, really close.

Phil: Can you keep a secret Larry? I'm probably leaving PBH. So this will be the last time we do the Groundhog festival together.

Larry: I don't understand what's so wrong with the Groundhog festival. You know when I was in San Diego, I had to cover the swallows returning to Capistrano six years in a row.

Phil: Someday someone's gonna' see me interviewing a groundhog and think I don't have a future.

Rita: Phil, going to the Groundhog dinner?

Phil: No, I had groundhog for lunch. Tastes like chicken.

Phil: [not remembering their trip to the Gasworks] Hey, did you guys go to the Gasworks on Friday night?

Wayne Campbell: [Referring to him and Phil as well] Yeah, we were there.

Phil: There was this band, 'Crucial Taunt'. They had this mega-babe for a lead singer, unreal.

Wayne Campbell: Phil, we were there. Have you gone mental? Hello!

Carly Whitten: Sorry. I'm usually a fun date. I am.

Phil: I'm having fun.

Carly Whitten: Yeah?

Phil: Not a lot of it, but some.

Phil: Hey look, this might seem weird, but do you think you would ever...

Donny: Bone your wife? Yeah, I mean I'd love to. She's a hot little number.

Phil: Well, you know, I was just gonna ask you for an autograph.

Donny: Oh, oh, I'm sorry! On her tits, or...?

Phil: Let me introduce myself: My name's Phil, I'm married, I have four children, and I've seen three vaginas in my entire life - my wife's, my baby's, and my aunt's accidentally when we were riding tandem bikes together.

Phil: What the fuck is wrong with those chickens?

Mr. Chow: They're angry. All I feed them is cocaine. And chicken.

Phil: Hey, what's your password?

Alan: Hey Phil?

Phil: Yeah?

Alan: No, that's it.

Phil: What?

Alan: That's my password. Hey Phil.

Phil: Damn it! I left my phone in the Minivan.

Alan: Oh Phil, I have that find my phone app.

Phil: Alan, we have bigger problems than that at the moment.

Stu: No wait. If Chow has the minivan and your phone is in the minivan that means your phone is with Chow.

Alan: Stu, you heard Phil. We have bigger problems than that.

Phil: [Struggling to climb down a rope off the roof of Caesar's Palace] Agh. I'm okay.

Alan: Hey, Phil!

Phil: What's wrong?

Alan: Hold on a second.

[Gets out phone to take a picture]

Alan: Kick yourself out a little bit.

Phil: Alan...

Alan: Stay still!

Phil: Alan!... Did you get it?

Mr. Chow: I am Invisible.

Phil: Hey! That's not invisible, that's INVINCIBLE.

[from trailer]

[back in Vegas]

Stu: I told myself, I would never come back.

Phil: Don't worry, it all ends tonight...

[the Wolf Pack wake up in a honeymoon suite]

Stu: [sees he has implants] I have boobies now!

Cassie: [laughs] Oh my God...

Phil: [laughs] Holy shit!

Stu: It's not funny! Alan, what did you do? What did you do, Alan?

Alan: The wedding cake... it was from Leslie...

[Chow enters, naked and brandishing a sword]

Mr. Chow: [laughs] We had a sick night, bitches!

[the monkey jumps back on Stu]

[Marshall brings Stu, Phil, and Alan to his villa]

Marshall: Leslie Chow never lived here. You didn't break into his old house, you broke into MY house.

Phil: I don't understand.

Marshall: You didn't get back the gold he stole from me. You got the other half that he didn't.

Stu: Oh, my GOD!

Phil: You mean the half he never had?

Marshall: He's a world-class rat, and you 3 were his accomplices.

Stu: We had no idea!

Phil: We were trying to help you! We thought you'd be happy!

Marshall: [sarcastically] Thank you so much! Thank you for ripping me off! Thank you for desecrating my home! And THANK YOU FOR KILLING MY FUCKING DOGS!

Stu: We didn't kill your dogs! They're just tranquilized.

Marshall: Oh, right. You don't know. Chow snapped their necks on his way out.

Stu: What?

Black Doug: And somebody's gotta pay.

Marshall: He's right.

[points his gun at the Dougs]

Doug: No no no no, NO!

[Marshall shoots Black Doug and his body splashes into the pool]

Marshall: My head of security, couldn't stop 3 fuck-ups and a Chinaman with a pair of wire cutters. Unreal.

Phil: We don't even know where the fuck he is!

Marshall: No one does! But I figure the Wolf Pack has the best chance of finding him!

Mr. Chow: Who sent you?

Phil: No one! No. We just wanted to see you!

Mr. Chow: Liar! No one wants to see Chow!

Stu: I'm a dentist!

Phil: No, you're a fucking doctor! Now go get him!

[Stu chases Chow]

Phil: [to Alan while driving the Wolf Pack to Arizona] You know I meant to tell you earlier. That's a very cool vest you got on.

Alan: Thanks Phil it was my Dad's. He died in it.

Stu: Whoa! That's intense!

Phil: I almost died Phil!

Alan: Come on! I was not going to let you go you're my boy!

Phil: And you're my man!

Phil: Are you raping?

Phil: Your password is baloney1?

Mr. Chow: Well, used to be just baloney, but now they make you add number.

Phil: So much for holy people. Bunch of bald assholes.

Phil: You wouldn't even be with her if it wasn't for us!

Stu Price: Oh, this will be good!

Phil: Stu, think about it! You ended up ditching Melissa... two years later, you met your true soulmate. You take Vegas out of that equation, you would've married a cunt!

[Old couple looks over and gives Phil dirty looks]

Phil: Oh, it's ok... No, I'm allowed to say it, it's a bachelor party. Drink up everybody! Oh wait, there's no alcohol. I forgot, we're at a fuckin' Ihop!

Kimmy: This one was following me like little puppy dog all around, all night, saying that he fall in love with me, asked to marry me.

Alan: Classic Stu.

Kimmy: I dance for him, he tickle me, we have sex...

Phil: You're not married yet it's no big deal.

Stu Price: It's cheating. No offense to you, you're a lovely woman, it's a violation of my moral code.

Kimmy: What code is that? Stu you loved it, you were crying saying how special it was. I had to slow down so I didn't drop my load too quick.

Stu Price: Load?

Alan: What load?

Kimmy: Oh you know, my sperm.

Stu Price: That is wrong, you're talking about my sperm. Where would your sperm come from?

Kimmy: My balls. You're in Bangkok, there's a reason they don't call it Bangcunt!

Phil: Wait a second Chow. We're in Bangkok?

Mr. Chow: Holla! City of Squala!

Grand Wizard: Perhaps you should bring your question to the Garden of Meditation.

Phil: Did you understand a word he just said?

Stu Price: Yeah I understood about two thirds. He said something about the Garden of Meditation.

Alan: No he said he's farting because of his medication.

Alan: [to Teddy] Sit down i got this. Sit down boy. That was a great speech sir. I like the comparisons between uh Stu and Rice. I've also prepared a few words. Hew everybody here are some fun facts. The population in Thailand is 63 million people. It is twice the size of Wyoming. It's chief exports are textiles, footwear, and rice. Each year approximately 13,000 people are killed in car accidents in Thailand. The climate in Thailand is...

Doug: Alan why don't you skip to the last card there buddy

Alan: Ok, sorry.

[Flips through about 5 or 6 cards]

Alan: None of you know Stu like I do. Not you, not you, not you, not you, not nobody knows Stu like i do. No one. I can't even tell you what we've been through because we made a pact more important than blood. What i can tell you is this, this is not Stu's first marriage. There was a whore in Las Vegas a couple years ago...

Phil: All right time's up. You can sit down now bud. You can sit down.

Alan: It was good. I did good though.

Phil: Oh God you killed it.

Alan: OK thanks Phil.

Alan: Sit down, yeah

[applause]

Alan: [to Teddy] In your face.

Phil: I refuse to eat fuckin' cantaloupe at a bachelor party.

Phil: Chow, what happened.

Mr. Chow: You guys texted me. Said you fucked up and looking to party.

Phil: Do you ever do anything that doesn't end in a stand-off, Chow?

Mr. Chow: I a international criminal. It always ends like this. I met my wife at one of these things.

Stu Price: You have a wife?

Mr. Chow: Yeah, we married fifteen years. Whatsa matter, Mr. Chow not good-looking enough for woman?

Stu Price: [Phil pulls the prescription pad out of his pants] Was this right up against your scrotum?

Phil: Yup!

Phil: Do you ever do anything that doesn't end up in a stand-off, Chow?

Mr. Chow: I'm an international criminal! It always ends up like this.

Tracy: Phill.

Phil: Tracy. I'm sorry.

Tracy: Where the hell are you?

Phil: /huh/ It happened again.

Tracy: Don't say that. Please.

Phil: No, this time we're really fucked up.

Tracy: Seriously, what's wrong with you three?

Phil: So much Trace, I don't even know where to begin."

Tracy: Oh God. How bad? Like no wedding bad?

Phil: Yeah.

Doug: Wait so where exactly are you guys?

Phil: I don't know, Doug! Fucken Asiatown!

Phil: You ever do anything that doesn't end up in a standoff, Chow?

Mr. Chow: I'm an international criminal. It always ends like this.

Tattoo Joe: [indicates customer] This kid's fucking nine years old, and he's got balls twice your size. Show him your balls, Mal.

[kid reaches downwards]

Phil: No, no, no, w- that's okay.

Phil: It happened again, we lost Teddy.

Tracy: How bad is it, like, no wedding bad?

Phil: A bit worse than that.

[the English teacher questions Willie and Phil about not doing their homework]

English Teacher: Willie, will you give us a synopsis of 'Catcher in the Rye'?

Willie: [Willie first speaks in his alien language] 'Catcher in the Rye', a novel written by the Earthling Salinger that every adolescent Homo Sapien in America is forced to read.

English Teacher: You didn't read it, did you?

Willie: Our mission on your planet is to study human behavioral patterns.

Phil: Last night, we simulated a daily teenage ritual, homework avoidance. We consumed large quantities of fermented hops and were transformed into degenerate party animal head bangers.

[Willie laughs in his alien language]

[the English teacher gives Willie and Phil a hard time about not reading Catcher in the Rye]

English Teacher: I don't care what planet you two are from, you've been pulling this routine for three years. You'll be here another year if you don't straighten out. I want that homework now!

Willie: The Earth woman seems so tense. Irritable. Too much coffee.

Phil: Not enough sex.

[as the two continue to talk in their alien language]

[Terry sees Willie and Phil sitting side-by-side together next to the gym locker rooms]

Willie: Phil. Phil.

Phil: Oh, Willie.

Willie: I hate gym.

Phil: I really hate Gym.

Willie: I really hate gym, a lot.

[Phil in the cafeteria talks to Willie about finding a weird life form with his imaginary meter]

Phil: [Phil makes the sound of the meter] I'm picking up curious life readings.

Willie: Is it human?

Phil: Unknown. It seems to be some sort of carbon-based douchebag.

[Phil holds the meter up with it alarming through his voice, as he sees that it's Greg Tolan]

Phil: [in the carrot suit] Nobody likes broccoli!

Charlie Hinton: [in the broccoli suit] Ben likes broccoli! Don't you, Ben?

Ben: Nope.

Charlie Hinton: You turned my own sprout against me? Now you're gonna die!

Charlie Hinton: Today we need some organization and planned activities.

Phil: No. We need Ritalin and leashes, that's what we need.

Kelli: Hi, are you the new daddy?

Marvin: I'm your daddy.

[wheeze]

Marvin: I'm not your daddy! I'm your baby's daddy! Er - I'm not your *baby's* daddy! I'm gonna be... I mean, I'm-a... I'm-a... I'm...

Phil: You're Marvin...

Marvin: ...Marvin.

Phil: Let's get safety gate crazy.

Caroline: [after viewing the tuna art sketches] Well frankly, none of these would convince to buy your tuna

Phil: Come on, Ron. She doesn't know a tuna fish from a Cheerio!

Doris: Damned good thing we didn't take the Cheerio account!

[Table laughter]

Caroline: [Disgusted] Well... When was the last time any of YOU, were in a supermarket?

Bob Wiley: Excuse me, Phil, but with these particular symptoms, is Prozac the right choice?

Lily Marvin: You think Prozac is a mistake?

Bob Wiley: Well, with this kind of manic episode, I would think Librium might be a more effective management tool.

Phil: You could be right. I'll rewrite the prescription.

Phil: I'm sorry it's Phil Goldman. How do you do?

Guinevere Pettigrew: We've met before actually. You were entirely naked at the time.

Phil: Please don't tell my kids I died taking a shit.

Phil: In case we don't make it and I die first... eat me.

Mitch: Eat you? I don't even like talking to you on the phone.

Phil: Hey, Glen, let me ask you something. Who had Frankie Pentangeli killed?

Mitch: Phil!

[Barbara groans and leaves the room]

Glen: The Rosato brothers.

Phil: Who gave the order?

Mitch: [Hits Phil over the head with a pillow] You stupid dope!

Phil: [laughing] I love this.

Glen: There was this kid I grew up with. He was younger than me. Sort of looked up to me, you know.

Mitch: Glen...

Glen: We did our first work together, worked our way out of the street. Things were good, we made the most of it.

Mitch: I'm going to change.

[as he leaves, he shows Phil the middle finger from behind Glen]

Glen: During Prohibition, we ran molasses to Canada. Made a fortune.

Mitch: [Discreetly] "Ran molasses to Canada." You should run some brains to your head.

Glen: Phil, when was the last time you were with a woman?

Phil: Uh, Saturday... Saturday will be a year.

Glen: Ow!

Mitch: Gee, if I had known, I'd have gotten you a cake.

Mitch: Eat you? What a lovely image. "Eat me!" Hey, Glen, I'm still hungry, is there any more Phil? Oooh, pass the Phil. Mmmmm, it's even good cold. Great party, thanks to Phil!

Phil: Alright, so DON'T eat me!

Duke: Jesus Christ, what a bunch of little piss pots.

Mitch: [after hearing his brother has arrived] Well how is he?

Barbara Robbins: Well, he came in, asked me to make him a sandwich, no crusts, then started making long-distance calls. Of course, first, he did three scenes from "Godfather II".

Phil: He still does that? I love that!

Mitch: Phil, I'm warning you. If you mention "The Godfather" to him, I will rip your arms out of their sockets and beat you to death with them. This started out as such a good birthday!

Phil: What's Glen been up to?

Mitch: He's been up to nothing, he's the Vice President of Lazy. He goes from one family to another until they throw him out, he borrows money..."borrows"? That indicates an intent to repay. He gets jobs that aren't jobs. We only hear from him for change of address calls. I mean he's lost. He's a lost soul, he's a dented can, he's... behind me, isn't he?

[Indeed, Glen is standing right behind Mitch, having heard every word. Phil nods]

Glen: Mitchy, buenos dias!

Mitch: [Shaking his hand] Hello, Glen. How was your sandwich?

Glen: Ah, delightful!

Mitch: Listen, I'm sorry about what I said...

Glen: Ah, water off a duck's back. Come here.

[Hugs him and briefly lifts him off his feet]

Glen: Wow, look at you. You're still the world's smallest big brother.

Mitch: By this time next week I'll be having a romantic dinner with Phil.

Phil: Well, pick a night... because the map is *gone*!

Mitch: [while discussing Phil's troubled love life, Mitch is reminded of something] Speaking of which, did you ever walk in on our parents doing it?

Glen: No.

[pause]

Glen: Why, did you?

Mitch: Yes.

[Glen stops the cart]

Glen: Really?

Mitch: Worst thing I've ever seen.

Glen: Well, that's a horrible thing for a little kid to see.

Mitch: This was three weeks ago in Florida!

Glen: AUGH! Did you walk into the bedroom?

Mitch: This was in the kitchen.

Glen: *AUGH!*

Mitch: Apparently it was spontaneous, too, because Pop still had his hat on. You know that one with the fake grass and a golf ball on it? It was horrible. Wax fruit flying everyplace, the dog barking, my kids' pictures flapping up and down on the refrigerator...

Glen: [ready to vomit] Okay, stop it.

Mitch: [continuing] Pop was working hard.

[as his father]

Mitch: "Ohh, ohh, ohh, ohh... ahh, enough of that. Did you take the car in?"

[Glen groans in disgust]

Phil: See, I think that's beautiful.

Mitch: Beautiful? Not from my angle.

Phil: No, two people in love after all those years? That's great!

Mitch: Great? An hour later, we *ATE* on that table.

Phil: [disgusted] EEEUWWW.

Glen: All right, now the sun sets in the East, right?

Mitch: No! The sun sets in the West.

Glen: That's if your *in* the East, but we are way out West now, so we are past where the sun sets.

Mitch: You can't be *passed* where the sun sets, and if you think you can, then I am directly South of an idiot!

Phil: Which is down!

Mitch: Right!

[Last lines]

Maya: Mommy, are you okay?

Garrett, Erin, Corinne, Phil: *Maya, statue.*

Phil: You might not think the best way to spend your first day of freedom after a lengthy incarceration would be to immediately resume stalking the tranny hooker who knocked out six teeth and had you put away to begin with. That's how I roll.

Phil: [as Mr. Chuckles] So God was creating man. And his little assistant came up to him and he said: "Hey, we've got all these bodies left, but we're right out of brains, we're right out of hearts and we're right out of vocal chords." And God said: "Fuck it! Sew 'em up anyway. Smack smiles on the faces and make them talk out of their arses." And lo, God created the Tory Party.

[about God]

Phil: [as Mr. Chuckles] What's He doing? He can take John Lennon. He can take those three young lads down at Ainsley Pit. He's even thinking of taking my old man. And Margaret bloody Thatcher lives! What's He sodding playing at, eh?

Mother 2: This isn't your main job, is it?

Phil: I'm a miner.

Mother 2: [incredulously] A miner?

Phil: You remember them, love? Dinosaurs, dodos, miners.

Nurse: Is this man bothering you?

Phil: 'Course he is. He's me dad.

Phil: I love the band - we all do - but there's other things in life, you know, that's more important.

Danny: Not in mine there isn't.

Women on picket line: [chanting] The miners, united, will never be defeated.

Andy: Poor old biddies. Don't they know they're pissing in the wind, like the rest of us?

Ernie: Can they do that, women?

Andy: What?

Ernie: Piss in the wind.

Jim: No, Ernie. That's just the point.

Ernie: No, but on a nice day, you know, when there's no wind about. They can't - you know - get any direction on it.

Jim: All right, whatever it is that lasses do that's pointless.

Andy: Bloody hell. So much to choose from.

Phil: Fart in a force ten?

Jim: By god, Phil, you don't half know some funny women.

Harry: Steady lads. My missus does that.

All: [guffaw]

Harry: You daft bastards. Women Against Closure? That is when she's not farting in a force ten!

[the band have finished playing "Danny Boy" outside the hospital when the Ward Sister appears in the doorway]

Ward Sister: Message from Mr Ormanroyd!

Phil: He's awake?

Ward Sister: Yes. He says your Tenor Horn is too soft!

Charlie Hinton: Okay, this is it. Time to give 'em a summer they'll never forget.

[bus crashes into cabin]

Phil: They won't forget that.

Phil: I've gotta drop the kids off at the pool.

Juliette: We have a pool?

Phil: Uh, no.

Phil: Aw, Jesus, Bernie. Come on with the smoke. You know the doctor found nicotine in my urine again.

Bernie: Then keep your dick out of my ashtray.

Phil: What's with the gunshot?

Henry: McDougal.

Bernie: Is he dead?

Phil: I've bought the goddamn chair! Now it's your problem, Henry!

Phil: [to Eddie, regarding Mickey] You know, he could choke on his own spit. You know that? I would feel nothing. No, no. I would feel glee.

Phil: Hey, if my karma's to whack people when they do some fuckin' irrelevant thing... fuck it!

Mickey: Absolutely right Phil, fuck destiny, fate, all metaphysical stuff. Fuck it!

Eddie: She doesn't have to have one now.

Phil: I tried telling her that, Eddie! I told her, I've got three kids in Toledo, I don't even know how old they are! I haven't seen 'em since I went to prison. I don't want any more kids rolling around their beds at night with this sick, fuckin' hatred of me. I can't stand it.

Artie: He's got this thing.

Phil: It's a vibrator I carry around with me.

Mickey: You carry a vibrator around with you?

Phil: Yeah. As a form of come-on. So the girls can see I'm up for anything right away. Sometimes as a sort of, uh, mood-setter I turn it on. But, uh, today there was, uh, extenuating circumstances.

Artie: You forgot about the weights.

Phil: Yeah.

Artie: He forgot about the weights.

Mickey: You forgot about the weights?

Phil: Yeah. Forgot about the weights. Unbelievable.

Mickey: Unbelievable! You forgot about the weights?

Eddie: Do you know what he's talking about?

Mickey: No, I have no idea what he's talking about.

Phil: You prick, you disgust me.

Phil: Relent, I beg you!

Artie: [Holding a baby girl] Damn.

Phil: What happened?

Artie: Well, she's a... She's a broad already, Phil. She's done everything that every other broad done. She had a dump on me.

Phil: You know what the odds are on that? Impossible to one.

Therapist: George, we have a nice man coming by to take you to the theater, the musuem, help you re-introduce yourself to the world. Are you ready for that, George?

George: I don't know.

Therapist: What did you tell me the other day? You said, I'm a Ready Teddy Yo! What did you say yesterday?

George: I'm a ready teddy yo.

Therapist: Are you afraid, George? That you'll go out there and start lying again?

Phil: [in a crazy English accent] No, No. He's just afraid of lyin. Isn't that right, Pinoch?

[means pinocchio]

Phil: Ya Ha Ha Ha Ha! He starts lyin', then his nose starts growin', I hate it when that happens. Ya Ha Ha Ha Ha!

Therapist: Now that's enough Phil, you let him talk.

Brad: Nah, he's afraid he'll see his old girlfried, and he won't be able to get it up.

Therapist: Is that true George?

George: No! Anyway, she dumped me.

Therapist: Why did she dump you, George?

Male patient: [stands up and points at George] She dumped you because you told her you were a brain surgeon!

Therapist: Did you tell her that, George?

George: No.

Therapist: What did you tell her?

George: Told her I was a paratrooper in the navy seals.

Phil: [in a Peter Falk Columbo voice] Wait! Are you saying that this man is not in our armed service? Did you know this? I didn't know this! I have egg on my face!

Therapist: George, George why did you feel like you had to lie to her?

George: Oh! She never would have looked at me twice if I had told her I was a Volvo Salesman for Horsch Muller!

Therapist: The guys put a little something together for you George, to help give you confidence in your new life.

Phil: [in William Shatner's voice] Very well Mister Spock. Gentleman, set your phasers on stun.

Tim: Ha Ha!

Phil: [still in William Shatner's voice] George, on behalf of my entire crew, Spock, Bones, Scotty

[makes the hand motions for emphasis]

Phil: We'd like to present to you a little gift we picked up on Rigel 4. It's our way of saying, good luck out there in the world. God Speed, show 'em what you're made of mister!

[salutes]

Tim: [makes the Vulcan hand sign for greetings and goodbye]

Phil: [still in the William Shatner voice] Live Long and Prosper! Go where no *man*, has... gone before!

Therapist: Phil, for God's sakes! Put a sock in it, will ya?

Phil: I was simply sayin...

[trails off and sits down as he finishes the last word, like a toy with its battery pulled]

George: [George begins to open the tall box Phil placed on his lap] I can honestly say I didn't expect to get...

[opens the box]

George: a hat!

[the gift is a tall top hat much like Abe Lincoln wore during his presidency]

Tim: It's an Honest Abe hat.

Brad: Yeah, its to house your mickey, after a busy day of lyin'!

Therapist: I know it doesn't look like much George, but the fellas did work pretty hard on it.

George: I'm not ashamed of this hat! Far from it! I'm gonna wear this hat! I'm not afraid anymore!

[stands]

George: I'm ready for my new life!

Therapist: Then say it, George!

George: I'm a ready teddy yo!

[Aaron finally reads the personal note sent by his dad, Phil]

Phil: [voiceover] Please find enclosed a rendering of the female genitalia. I alert you to the area in red, known as the clitoris. While its location is somewhat counterintuitive, it is the key to female pleasure. Had I known sooner, it might have saved my marriage to your mother.

[Phil taunts Belial]

Phil: You're wrapped in your brother's shadow!

'Dr.' Shirlee Kenyon: How's your daughter?

Phil: She's back in school and doing really well thanks to you, Dr. Shirlee.

'Dr.' Shirlee Kenyon: I'm just Shirlee now.

Phil: What?

'Dr.' Shirlee Kenyon: I'm just Shirlee now!

Phil: I mean, I didn't want to be *like* Ernie Banks. I wanted to *be* Ernie Banks.

Ed: Mr. Cub...

Phil: And it never really dawned on me that he was Black.

Ed: Wrist hitter...

Phil: I was, you know, seven years old. And he was just... Ernie Banks. He was my hero.

Ed: All in the wrists...

Phil: There weren't any Black people in my town. At least I don't think there were.

Ed: Mr. Cub...

Ray Clouds on Fire: A representative from our organization will be staying at the Sky Mountain Resort, so that we may review your standards of service and publish a rating for your property in the new edition of the Worthington Travel Guide, which is published every two years.

Betty: But that's like no warning.

Phil: Great, you know, another cold winter morning. Hide the women and children, they're on their way!

Phil: I wonder if she skies?

[referring to Tina]

Ray Clouds on Fire: No Phil, she's not a ski bunny.

Phil: Oh come on Ray, there's a little ski bunny in... well, almost every woman.

[referring to Mary]

Buffy: What happened!

Phil: Oh Clouds-on-Fire's old truck's on fire.

Muffy: So what Nation are you?

Phil: I'm a mix: Blackfoot, Salish, Ute and Cree.

Stu O'Malley: Sounds like a law firm!

Henry: [in a fake preaching voice] Imagine a land, if you will, where a man can be a man. A land where he can indulge in all those animal urges, far from the petty judgments of parents and teachers and less-enlightened peers. A land where he can ride the demon!

Phil: Yeah!

Henry: Behave bad!

Phil: Bad!

Henry: Whatever he goddamn well pleases,and no one gives a shit, including the cops.

Phil: Tell it, Brother Henry!

Henry: I'm talking real freedom, my friend!

Phil: Real freedom!

Henry: Not this overregulated bullshit that passes for liberty in our country.

Phil: Hell, no!

Phil: !Vamonos a la frontera!

[Let's go to the border!]

Phil: Arriba Mexico!

Henry: We leave right now, we hit Manzanita right about the time the strip joints open.

Phil: I'm gonna get laid.

Henry: You're kidding? I finally convinced our upstanding minister's son to get his cherry popped.

Phil: Pop!

Ed: Let's pray he doesn't contract an STD.

Henry: Worrywart.

Ed: [opens his wallet and hands Phil some condoms] Fellas, say hello to the senoritas for me.

Henry: Come on. man. You're not gonna hang around here. All right? All the poonsies are hooked up or singing "Kumbaya" with the art fags.

Ed: Any other time. I'm there, all right? I just have a lot on my mind.

Henry: You want a Zoloft, man? I think I got one.

Ed: I just wanna chill.

Henry: Chill when you're dead, man. As your "personal physician", I insist you put that big brain of yours to rest and go a little nuts, okay, for once.

Phil: Nikki, Nikki, Nikki!

Nikki: Do you mind, Phil? I'm working here.

Phil: Oh, you are? Really? You're working?

Nikki: It's a slow night, Phil.

Phil: That don't answer my question. Why isn't some john motherfucker tonguing your asshole? Do I have to see it with my own eyes to know that you're fucking for me?

Nikki: Well, let's just hope the people I meet tonight do it just like that. That'll cost the sick fucks a little extra.

Phil: Those sick fucks are paying for your shitty rent and my brand new fucking suit, and let me tell you, my brand new suit is starting to feel a little old. Go fuck your brains out, twat!

[Phil leaves]

Martin: Why the fuck do you think you own this city?

Phil: Cause this city is late-night television, and I'm Johnny Fucking Carson!

Phil: You know what I do when my girls run into a pile of shit? I have my guys run the motherfuckers over. then I punch those fucking twats in their fucking jaw, so that I don't have to spend my time dealing with their assbag clients. But you! You're too fucking nice!

Phil: Why you always trying to hurt me?

Mona: Cause I think you're a fucking fake, that's why.

Phil: What is wrong with you?

Mona: I just miss me brother.

Phil: I'm here.

Mona: That ain't you. It ain't.

Phil: Oh no, this is me, this is the real me.

Mona: I want the old Phil

Phil: Well that old Phil, he didn't make me very happy.

Mona: He made me happy. I love my brother, he used to be real. I haven't got any family, me home's changed, no one fancies me...

[breaks into tears]

Phil: [hugging Mona] Oh Jesus watch over this child, watch over her...

Mona: Oh no, fuck off! Fuck off!

Phil: Funny, isn't it? Love. If you're not together, you're alone.

Phil: [to his wife, in tears] You treat me like shit.

Sappho: You can marry Helene. You can have her if you like.

Phil: I'm not a Turk. I can't have two wives. It's in the rules.

Sappho: Don't be so boring, Phil. There are no rules in this game. There's nothing we can imagine that's not allowed. What's love is love.

Phil: Well, what's loyalty is that too. Don't you care if I sleep with other women now?

Sappho: You can sleep with other boys too if you like.

[to Helene]

Sappho: Will you marry my husband?

Helene: Yes.

Sappho: Then it's perfect. It's all that simple. We can all be married to one another.

Phil: And? What comes next?

Helene: It's lost. We'll never know.

Sappho: Perhaps we should decide for ourselves.

Phil: Don't you understand? Nothing good will come out of this game. All of us being together will not last. We'll take sides, get jealous, and start to hate one another.

Sappho: Just like it happens when two normal people get married?

Phil: Maybe. But that's how it is most times. It's the way nature meant it to be.

Sappho: [to Helene] You see Helene, that's what makes Phil a bad painter. He paints ordinary pictures that ordinary people will buy.

Chris: We're dudes, and we're pretty sloppy dudes too.

Phil: Yeah, we just have to change a few of the parameters. Are you ready to give it a try?

Phil: Ahhh, the lovely Julie Ziff.

Julie: Creep.

Phil: That's good, I find brevity attractive.

Julie: See ya, Danny.

Phil: Goodbye, Gorgeous.

Julie: You make my puke... want to puke!

Phil: I'm flushed with passion!

Julie: Ugghh!

[she leaves]

Danny: You're such an idiot!

Phil: Oh, I knew that before you did, my friend. Just invite me to the wedding.

[to Nona]

Phil: He's in love, you know. But he's too dumb to figure it out.

Nona Gina: Ah, wise-uh boy!

Phil: He was a liability. I mean, he brought it on himself... Didn't he? I mean, it's typical. Typical Henry: The wrong place, at the wrong time.

Gordon: You did this?

Phil: Gordon! I need you to wake up, and take a really, *really* good look at him... You know what I wouldn't do? I wouldn't tell anybody about this, because if they find out about Hank, they're going to find out about the others.

Gordon: You!

[points at Phil]

Gordon: You come with *me.*

Phil: Hey!

[points back at Gordon]

Phil: Fuck *youuuu.*

Bill Griggs: This is where they'd keep the extreme patients. The psychotics... You know what they called Ward A? "The snake pit."... Either of you guys scared of the dark? Come on, over here.

[Bill Griggs and Phil walk away together]

Mary Hobbes: [disembodied voice of Simon] Hello... Gordon.

Phil: [calling from a distance] Gordy?

[shining flashlight]

Phil: It's me, man! Come on!

Phil: [to the crew] Good first day, guys.

Henry: Yeah. If it keeps up like this, we'll all be dead by Monday.

[Phil slaps Hank in the back of the head as he walks by]

Gordon: I hit Wendy.

Phil: What?

Gordon: It was Friday night. I wanted to celebrate gettin' this job. I had the flowers, I had the champagne. I went into the kitchen. She was cookin' pasta. I wanted to kiss her. She turned around and before I knew it, there was a pot of boiling water all over my leg. And I don't know if it was the dog barkin', I don't know if it was Emma cryin', but I slapped her. I hit my wife. I love my wife. It was an accident. But I slapped her for it.

Gordon: What's the stupidest thing you've ever done?

Phil: You mean aside from coming to work for you?... Well, I would have to say introducing Hank to Amy. That was pretty fucking stupid. I'd like to have that one back.

Phil: [Phil smokes some weed while watching a flock of geese flying over Danvers] ... It's gonna get ugly...

Phil: It says here that 19 were committed due to disappointed expectations, Hank, they're talkin' about you.

Phil: We'll take the tunnels. They're safer.

Jeff: "Safer"?

Phil: Look, you know what, can I ask you a quick question?

Security Guard: Yeah, sure.

Phil: Um, when was the hospital actually closed?

Security Guard: '85.

Phil: '85. Yeah, because, you know, I'm curious, because, you know, they got you, and you got the fire-arm on, and it's not like people are trying to get out, right?

Security Guard: No. No, not out - in.

Phil: In?

Phil: [voice on walkie-talkie] Come back... Come back?

Gordon: This is Gordon.

Phil: [voice on walkie-talkie] We found the one. The one responsible.

[Gordon sets down the walkie-talkie and goes into Danvers]

Phil: You think I'm doing a bad job, Mike?

Mike: [indifferently, reading an old asylum journal] No, you're doing fine.

Phil: This used to be a great deal. Steady gigs, joking around, beers after work...

Mike: Hey, look, it says here that eight were committed for "uncontrolled passion."

Phil: [irritably] Then Emma came... Don't look at me like that, man. You know that's why we lost the last two gigs. He's tired, and he overbid.

Mike: [defensively] Gordon loves being a father.

Phil: [his voice rising] Yeah, *now* he does. *Now* he loves it. But it was *never* in his heart. This was all *Wendy's* idea.

Mike: Look, Phil. Just because you say you don't want something doesn't mean you don't want it. Six years ago, I didn't want to be a lawyer, but now I'm thinking...

Phil: Wait. Who the fuck are you kidding? You shuck fiber with us, in there, okay? But that's - that's not what I am talking about.

[With growing anger]

Phil: I am talking about fatherhood. It's screwing this guy's head up, and it's fucking his job up. At the very least, he should've canned Hank's ass six months ago, and you know it! What are *you* looking at? Where do you think you're going, Mike?

Henry: This the new guy?

Phil: They call it "Jeff"... he's Gordon's nephew.

Phil: [the sound of someone running around in circles upstairs is heard echoing through the stairwell of the asylum] ... What the hell is that?

Jeff: [horrified] It's HANK!

Jeff: [on the verge of tears] When I saw Hank, I... I think he had BLOOD on his hands...

Phil: [looking slightly concerned] ... Stay here.

[first lines]

Phil: Gordy? You look tired, man. You look beat. Your turn to feed Emma?

Phil: I want everyone to thank uncle Gordon here for ordering lunch.

Jeff: Thanks, Uncle Gordon!

Phil: Why would Hank be here?

Jeff: [panicked] Ask him yourself!

Phil: I found Hank, Gordon! He's hurt really bad, and he says that you did it to him, is that true? Gordy! Gordy...!

Henry: Hey'a, Phil. Amy says hi.

Phil: Keep it up, dickhead.

Henry: Don't shoot the messenger, Phil. I'm just relaying information. She says to me this morning while we're laying in bed to say hi to you.

[pats him on the arm]

Phil: Keep it up.

Henry: Yeah, I got it up. That's the problem, right?

Chucky: Surprise! Did you miss me, Andy? I sure missed you. I told you. We were gonna be friends to the end. And now, it's time to play... I've got a new game, sport: It's called "Hide the Soul". And guess what? You're it! Ade due damballa. Give me the power, I beg...

[notices Kyle sneaking through the window]

Chucky: . This isn't over you little shit. I'm not gonna spend the rest of my life as a plastic freak. Next time: you're alone, you're mine!

Kyle: [annoyed] Oh, my God.

Andy Barclay: [Kyle removes sock from Andy's mouth] IT'S CHUCKY! LOOK OUT!

Kyle: Shut up, you'll wake Phil and Joanne.

Andy Barclay: Kill him, Kill him.

Kyle: Andy, stop it! Will you?

Phil: WHAT THE HELL IS THIS NOW?

Andy Barclay: It's Chucky! I told you he'd find me. Tried to take over my soul.

Joanne: Andy, calm down.

Kyle: You didn't have to wait up.

Phil: Yeah? You know, Kyle, I don't believe you. You actually tied this... child up so he wouldn't tell on ya? Is that it?

Kyle: Oh, come on, Phil!

Andy Barclay: Chucky did it!

Joanne: That's enough, now.

Phil: Who's Chucky? Well, I've had it!

[grabs Chucky and walks out of the room]

Andy Barclay: [follows Phil] But you gotta kill him!

Joanne: Andy!

Phil: [throws broken pieces of antique onto table] Do any of you have anything to say about this?

Kyle: I think we should talk to a lawyer first.

Joanne: Kyle that's not funny. That statue was very important to me.

Phil: Kyle?

Kyle: I'm innocent.

Phil: Andy?

Andy Barclay: I didn't do it.

Phil: Okay, you leave me no choice. Until one of you fesses up you're both grounded.

Kyle: But I have a date tonight!

Phil: Sorry.

Phil: For crying out loud, Joanne! The child needs professional help!

Joanne: Oh, stop pretending like you're worried about Andy. You never wanted him in the first place.

Phil: That's not true.

Joanne: So what are you suggesting we do? Send him back?

Phil: Well, you don't have to make it sound so horrible!

Joanne: Do you have any idea how traumatic this could be for him?

Phil: Traumatic? For whom Joanne? For him or for you? If that kid stays here he's gonna tear this family apart!

Joanne: Family? Is this what you call a family? Families just don't give up on their children.

Phil: Joanne! He's NOT our child!

Andy Barclay: Kyle, do you miss your mom and dad?

Kyle: I don't know.

Andy Barclay: Well, where are they?

Kyle: My dad left before I was born. And my mother put me up for adoption when I was three.

Andy Barclay: Do you remember her?

Kyle: I make it a point to forget. It's easier that way. Break time. Move over.

[sits down on swing]

Andy Barclay: Want a push?

Kyle: No thank you.

Andy Barclay: Come on, it's fun.

Kyle: Please Andy? I just wanna sit here okay?

Andy Barclay: Too late. There you go.

Kyle: Andy come on! Stop it!

Andy Barclay: [laughs] No.

Kyle: Andy, let me off! Andy I'll kill you.

Phil: Dinner! Come and get it!

Andy Barclay: Ahh. Mayhem. Come on I'll race ya.

Kyle: No fair. You get a head start.

Andy Barclay: Excuses, excuses. Don't forget your doll.

Grace Poole: [watching Andy through a one-way observation window] Naturally, he was badly traumatized by the murders. But he bounced back pretty fast at that age.

Joanne: Poor kid.

Grace Poole: What Andy needs now is a normal family environment. A fresh start and a chance to forget the past. Since you two have been so good with so many children. We were hoping you might foster him until his mother recovers.

Joanne: There's always room for one more.

Phil: [grunts of disapproval]

Joanne: What's that supposed to mean?

Phil: Well, he seems "normal" enough, but how's all this affected him?

Grace Poole: Well, in order to come to terms with something he couldn't possibly understand. He, um, turned it all into a kind of fairytale. He insisted his doll was responsible. He said it was possessed by the soul of Charles Lee Ray.

Phil: Who?

Grace Poole: The Lakeshore Strangler. He murdered a dozen people in this series of ritual voodoo killings.

Phil: Are we even qualified to take care of a boy like this?

Grace Poole: Well I understand your concern Mr. Simpson. But this is just a child's way of coping with a difficult situation. Andy's fine now. He just wants to get on with his life.

Phil: Andy, what's this all about?

Andy Barclay: Chucky followed me to school. He tried to get me again, so I ran home.

Phil: Do you have any idea what he's talking about?

Joanne: His teacher called. Said she was keeping him after school for detention. She said he wrote an obscenity on his paper.

Andy Barclay: Chucky did it.

Phil: All right, Andy. Now this is going to stop. I will not allow this foolishness in my home. Do you hear me? Now open the door.

Joanne: Phil.

Phil: Joanne please. Open the door. Open it!

[Andy looks back up at him]

Phil: OPEN IT!

[opens door]

Phil: Now I want you to look down there and tell me what you see.

Andy Barclay: It's Chucky but he...

Phil: His NAME is Tommy. And he's been there since last night, hasn't he?

[Andy doesn't answer]

Phil: Hasn't he?

[moves Andy aside and closes door]

Phil: Make yourself comfortable Andy.

Andy Barclay: Thanks.

Phil: I've got to go back to the office, later this afternoon.

Joanne: I thought you finished everything there.

Phil: Yeah, but I...

[Andy continues to look around before he kneels down and touches an antique statue]

Phil: Uh, uh, uh. First rule, don't touch the old stuff.

Andy Barclay: Sorry.

Phil: Well, that's okay. No foul. It's just that we collect this stuff. And a lot of it's kind of fragile.

Joanne: You like it?

Andy Barclay: Mmm-hmm.

Joanne: It's been in my family for three generations. You see, my grandmother gave it to my mother, and my mother gave it to me.

Andy Barclay: And who're you gonna give it to?

Joanne: [hesitates before handing Andy his suitcase] Why don't you take this upstairs and explore? I'll be up there in a minute.

Andy Barclay: Okay.

Joanne: [after Andy leaves] You like him?

Phil: Oh, I'll get used to him.

Joanne: This is your room, right here.

[opens door]

Joanne: I made those curtains just for you. I bet blue is your favorite color. Take a look around. I'll start to unpack.

Andy Barclay: [takes a model toy train out of a toy chest] Wow!

Joanne: [laughs] I thought you might like those. Um, there's more in the closet. Before dinner, we'll go explore the backyard. And later, I'll read you some stories. Would you like that? There's lots of kids your age in the neighborhood Andy. I'm sure you're gonna make all sorts of new friends.

Andy Barclay: [pulls down a skateboard off the top shelf of his closet and out falls Tommy] Aah!

[runs out of room into Phil]

Phil: Hey, hey, hey. Andy, rule number two, no running in the house. It's only a doll. Andy are you listening to me?

Joanne: Oh Andy I'm so sorry I didn't realize that was in there. We've got so many children in here, it's hard to keep track of things. Don't worry I'll get rid of it.

Tommy: Hi, I'm Tommy. And I'm your friend to the end. Hidey ho. Ha ha ha.

Joanne: Why don't you get settled in. And then we'll have some dinner.

Phil: Here it is.

Joanne: What do you think?

Andy Barclay: We've never lived in a house before. Just apartments.

Phil: Well, you know what they say, a house just isn't a home without children.

Phil: Have no fear. Wonder Manager will save the day!

Dee Dee: "Wonder Manager"?

Max: Yeah. It's a wonder he's our manager!

Kelly: How's the werewolf hunting going, Sheriff?

Phil: It's not a werewolf!

Bert: This is the saddest thing to happen since I lost the love of my life...

Phil: I'm sorry. How long were you married?

Bert: I was talking about my dog!

[last lines]

Phil: What do you want... boy?

[last lines]

Damien: FUCK YOU

Phil: [crouches down next to chris who's been shot] Well... this is bizarre now isn't it? That's supposed to be me slumped down there with my head blown off!

[rants]

Phil: Seven years in prison for domestic abuse while she has everything! I get out and she puts a hit out on me

[sarcastically looks at his rain soaked clothes as a storm rages on]

Phil: Well at least i've got a nice suit!

[uses Chris' camera to take a photo of him as he fights back tears over his actions]

Phil: [brandshing an axe] DADDY'S HOME

Phil: [to his son] I should've beaten the shit out of you when I had the chance

[Pete, disturbed by the saxophone music on a radio, switches the channels]

Phil: What'd you change it for? I liked that.

Pete Dayton: Well, I don't!

Phil: I liked that.