Calvin Joyner Quotes in Central Intelligence (2016)

Calvin Joyner: Fuck Mark Zuckerberg.

Calvin Joyner: He's got a banana!

Calvin Joyner: What car are we taking?

Bob Stone: [chucks a grenade under an SUV] Not that one.

Calvin Joyner: [walking away quickly] Oh, my God... Oh, God.

[the grenade goes off]

Calvin Joyner: Oh shit!

[last lines]

Calvin Joyner: Are you not a super tool? You're not even Robbie Wheirdicht. You're Bob Stone!

Bob Stone: Shh! I made that name up.

Calvin Joyner: So what?

Bob Stone: It's not real.

Calvin Joyner: What does that mean? What, you think Mr. T, and Sting, and The Rock... You think those guys are real? That's a bunch of dumbass nicknames by a bunch of dumbass people.

Calvin Joyner: [gets handed iPad by a CIA agent] That's PornHub!

Phil: [Calvin falls flat on his face] What was that for?

Calvin Joyner: I was doing a backflip.

Phil: Your point?

Calvin Joyner: A distraction.

Phil: For what?

[Bob shows up behind Phil and rips open his throat]

Maggie: Look, honey, I think that we should see someone.

Calvin Joyner: What do you mean, someone? What do you mean?

Maggie: See someone, like a therapist.

Calvin Joyner: Honey, black people don't go to therapy. We go to barbershops. That's where we talk out our problems. Or we watch the movie Barbershop. One or the other.

Calvin Joyner: Are you familiar with Facebook?

Agent Pamela Harris: We surveil it.

Calvin Joyner: He sent me a friend request. That's how this whole thing started.

Agent Pamela Harris: And you accepted?

Calvin Joyner: Don't do that. Don't do that to me. You give me a second. Okay? Don't fire back like that. First of all, fuck Mark Zuckerberg, all right? Now, I accepted because it was Facebook. And it's rude when you don't accept it, and I don't know if the person on the other end can see me not accept it. That's why I accepted.

Calvin Joyner: Let's go...

Bob Stone: Nah. We're not going anywhere, Jet. This whole thing will be over in a jiff.

Thugged Out: Hey, how about this? Why don't you and your boyfriend apologize to Big Rick here and then go jerk each other in the parking lot?

Calvin Joyner: That's a lot...

Bob Stone: Yeah. You're right, CJ. That's a lot of homophobia coming out of a very angry man. You need to go get that looked at by a trained professional. But, since you have escalated this whole scenario by bringing what I can only assume is an unlicensed firearm into this public place, endangering the lives of all these innocent people, I can no longer, in good conscience, walk away and jerk anyone off in the parking lot.

Calvin Joyner: [seated between two angry CIA agents] I'm gonna address the elephant in the room. Okay, first of all, you... You guys, I want to say sorry to. Because what you're probably thinking is not what happened. Accidents! I know you're like, "How can you accidentally pistol-whip somebody and shoot somebody?"It can happen. Okay? Today is proof that it can happen. So... I'm glad I got to get that off my chest.

Agent Pamela Harris: Relax, Mr. Joyner. I believe you.

Calvin Joyner: Okay, thank you.

Agent Pamela Harris: Trust me, I know a scared shitless civilian when I see one.

Trevor: Once a fat kid, always a fat kid.

[Bob sees his reflection as he was in high school]

Calvin Joyner: You are still an asshole.

Calvin Joyner: Whatever happened to that girl that you liked in high school? Oh, God, man. The Doogie Howser girl. She was fourteen but somehow she was a senior. She wore a cape. Darla McGuckian.

Bob Stone: Darla McGuckian.

Calvin Joyner: "Yucky Gucky." Didn't she have a lazy eye or something?

Bob Stone: Two of 'em.

Trevor: [about Bob] Boy, he's still a scared little bitch.

Calvin Joyner: You know, you're still an asshole.

Trevor: Yeah, well, you're still shorter than my cat.

Bob Stone: You ever steal a plane before?

Calvin Joyner: I stole some Starbursts one time.

Agent Pamela Harris: Mr. Joyner, it was a pleasure working with you. If you ever want a career change, you give me a call.

Calvin Joyner: If I were to give you a call, how would I get in touch with you?

Agent Pamela Harris: Just pick up any phone in your house. They're all bugged.

Bob Stone: Wow, Jet! You look amazing!

Calvin Joyner: You think? Oh, what? Yes!

Bob Stone: I just didn't know the kind of look to go for on my first day at the Agency.

Calvin Joyner: You look like a black Will Smith, or something!

Jared the Airport Security Guard: Sir, you cannot be in here! This is a private airfield.

Calvin Joyner: I understand that but I have an organ in this cooler right now that needs to be transported ASAP.

Jared the Airport Security Guard: Really? Because my sister-in-law had a heart transplant last year and they did not bring it in a Playmate lunch cooler.

Calvin Joyner: I hate to break it to you, but this is not a heart.

Jared the Airport Security Guard: It's not a heart?

Calvin Joyner: No, it's not.

Jared the Airport Security Guard: Hmm. What is it then?

Calvin Joyner: It's a dick.

Jared the Airport Security Guard: Okay. I'm made of questions right now.

Bob Stone: You're just sexy as dick right now!

Calvin Joyner: You don't look somebody in the eyes and say that.

Maggie: What's the matter with being an accountant? You love your job.

Calvin Joyner: No, *you* love your job. I'm good at my job. It's not the same thing.