Maggie Quotes in Central Intelligence (2016)

Maggie: Look, honey, I think that we should see someone.

Calvin Joyner: What do you mean, someone? What do you mean?

Maggie: See someone, like a therapist.

Calvin Joyner: Honey, black people don't go to therapy. We go to barbershops. That's where we talk out our problems. Or we watch the movie Barbershop. One or the other.

Maggie: What's the matter with being an accountant? You love your job.

Calvin Joyner: No, *you* love your job. I'm good at my job. It's not the same thing.

Pilar: Who you are?

Barney Ross: We're Americans.

Lee Christmas: Since when?

Gunner Jensen: Swedish.

Hale Caesar: Blackfoot.

Maggie: Chinese.

Toll Road: Retards.

Barney Ross: [to Toll Road] You done?

Toll Road: [eating some bad food] Oh. This tastes like shit.

[to Caesar]

Toll Road: How's yours?

Hale Caesar: Can't complain about rigatoni. Plan ahead, fellas. That's all I have to say. Y'all, what if you knew you were going to die tomorrow? What would your last meal be? One choice.

Toll Road: One choice?

Hale Caesar: It'd probably be cereal for you, huh?

Toll Road: What the hell's wrong with cereal?

Gunner Jensen: It's cliché.

Hale Caesar: You gotta be original. You know, if you were an original, broad-thinking man, you'd probably come up with some special cereal, like Earios. You know, just like your ear. You know, pour milk on them suckers, they just lay there and you don't hear shit.

Toll Road: For the record, my hearing is 20/20.

Hale Caesar: Barney?

Barney Ross: Donuts and most food that kills ya.

Hale Caesar: That's deep, man.

Barney Ross: [chuckles] You think so?

Hale Caesar: Maggie?

Maggie: Crispy aromatic duck with plum sauce. Very sexy.

[short pause]

Maggie: But I like Italian, too.

Hale Caesar: I'm starting to think Italian's overrated.

[everyone laughs]

Gunner Jensen: Hey. What about me? My favorite Swedish dinner would be, baby seal, and whale ass, in the summer.

[to Maggie]

Gunner Jensen: But I'd really die for some Chinese.

Barney Ross: Then you're gonna starve to death.

[everyone laughs]

Maggie: I can get him to talk, and without so much effort.

[opens a large manicure/pedicure kit]

Lee Christmas: What's she gonna do, give him a pedicure?

Gunner Jensen: [the bomb's fuse goes out] Well, the phosphorus must have been damp.

Lee Christmas: Yeah, right.

Toll Road: Or you suck.

Hale Caesar: There's that.

Maggie: Don't cry, Gunner.

Barney Ross: You almost had an idea.

Maggie: Can I ask you something?

Barney Ross: Sure, go ahead.

Maggie: Why are you so nervous around me?

Barney Ross: I don't get nervous, Maggie.

Maggie: Then what is it?

Barney Ross: I just like keeping a distance.

Maggie: Is it because you don't want to know anymore people?

Barney Ross: Let's just say bad things have happened to people I've gotten close to.

Maggie: Not a good way to live.

Barney Ross: [nods] I know.

Maggie: [to Ross] If you need me, call me, or I'll kill you.

Maggie: [Refering to Neo] This is what keeps bothering me.

Trinity: What?

Maggie: His neural patterns don't read like someone who is in a coma. The strange thing is I see these patterns all the time.

Trinity: Where?

Maggie: On someone jacked in.

Bane: What's that for?

Maggie: To help you relax. To make it easier for you to remember.

Bane: What if I don't want to remember?

Maggie: Why would you want that?

Bane: What if I blew that EMP? What if I did destroy those ships and I am responsible for the deaths of all those men? If I did that, it wouldn't be very safe for me here, would it?

[Bane stabs her]

Bane: Of course, it might not be very safe for you, either.

Cabbie: Brain? Brain, I brought somebody to see you.

Snake Plissken: [recognizes Brain] Harold Helman...

Brain: Snake?

Maggie: [curious] Harold?

Snake Plissken: How you been, Harold? It's been a long time.

Maggie: You never told me you knew Snake Plissken, Brain.

Cabbie: Isn't that great? Hey, Brain, I could use some gas if you could spare some.

Snake Plissken: I'm glad you remember me. Yeah, a man should remember his past. Kansas City, four years ago, you ran out on me... You left me sittin' there.

Brain: You were late.

Snake Plissken: [bitterly] We were buddies, Harold. You, me, and Fresno Bob. You know what they did to Bob, huh?

Maggie: That's too bad. I wanted you to try my chili. It's pretty hot.

Dudley Frank: No, I'll try it. I like your kind of hot. Chili, chili hot. Food hot. That's the hot I want to kiss. Eat.

Maggie: You coming back through?

Dudley Frank: Maybe. A biker never knows. A week, a month.

[pauses]

Dudley Frank: Six days, ten hours, 27 minutes, give or take six minutes for wind resistance.

Maggie: I never did mind about the little things.

Maggie: How about you kiss my ass right in the crack?

Maggie: So... you're going to give me this 'chance.' What do I got to do?

Bob: Learn, Maggie. Learn to speak properly; learn to stand up straight for a start. Then languages, computers, and so on. Do something to help your country for a change.

Maggie: What if I'm not interested?

Bob: Row 48, Plot 12.

Karate Instructor: [does some karate moves and assumes a fighting stance] I've taken my guard. See if you can hit my face.

Maggie: [starts to circle the instructor, waving her hands and making sounds like Bruce Lee] Hooooo. Waaa!

Karate Instructor: Come on. COme on.

[Maggie continues circling and making the noises and hand motions]

Karate Instructor: Hit me. Come on. Hit me.

[Puzzled and impatient, the instructor looks away from Maggie, lowering his guard]

Karate Instructor: [frustrated] Aah.

[the instructor turns back to Maggie and she decks him right in the nose, knocking him down]

Bob: Why do you talk so dirty, Maggie?

Maggie: Why do you talk so faggy, Bob?

Maggie: Oh, I think she's saying, "Stick it in me twice a day, and I'll do anything for you. I'll lick the ground you walk on."

[in disguise as Angela]

Maggie: For Christ's sake, give me a fucking break and open ze stupid gate!

[Bob is waiting for Maggie as she returns from an 'assignment']

Bob: How are you?

Maggie: I just blew up a hotel. How the hell do you think I am?

Bob: You stupid ignorant little girl. You think you can just pout and decide that you don't want to play anymore? I mean where do you think you are? Don't you understand anything that I've said?

Maggie: I mean it.

Bob: You don't know what you're talking about.

Maggie: I'm through! I'm out!

Bob: Listen, which word don't you understand? There is no out, there is no through, there is no out!

Bob: Ask Me why im so serious

Maggie: Why are you so serious?

Bob: Cos iv'e got serious stuff to tell you Maggie for Margaret.

Maggie: [about Romeo] I don't care if he's dead. If he grabs me again, I'll kill him.

[during a training exercise in the swamp, Luc and Maggie look back and see a UniSol waterskiing off the back of their boat]

Maggie: [clearly impressed] He's good.

Luc Deveraux: [clearly unimpressed] He's stupid.

[Luc cuts the line and the UniSol falls into the river]

Maggie: [to Luc] What is it with you boys and your toys?

Maggie: What would you like to drink?

Kip: Heineken.

Maggie: [thinks for a second and hands the underage passenger a carton of milk. He grunts] Merry Christmas!

Cop: Let me give you some advice.

Maggie: No, let me give you some advice, cop. You can beat us, chain us, lock us up. But we're gonna be back, understand? And when we do, cop, you better keep your ass off our turf, or we'll BLOW IT OFF! Ya dig? We're Jezebels, cop - remember that name. We'll be back!

[after Mom Smackley tries to molest her]

Maggie: Get your hands off me, you fat pig dyke!

Hiro: Everything's different, even if it looks the same.

Maggie: The important things haven't changed. There's still the same painted blue sky and and artificial trees. white birds on a brilliant rainbow purified water on man-made flowers the orange sun filtered through acid-free air,warming our beautiful world. These things haven't changed...

Hiro: But what else do you see?

Maggie: Hiro! Gimme a hand! Help me with the bag!

Hiro: The sky could fall and women could still go shopping.

Maggie: What a stupid thing to say.

Maggie: I just bought food for a few weeks, that's plain common sense if you ask me.

Hiro: You'll make some lucky man a lovely wife.

Maggie: Very funny.

Hiro: Well, we just about got it all in.

Maggie: Your car is pretty sporty, but not practical.

Hiro: Tell Rob what ya think of it. It's his car.

Maggie: Hmmm, Rob's car? Don't you have one?

[Hiro starts driving fast]

Maggie: Hey take it easy! if you attract attention, he might fire at us! There are soldiers everywhere! They're flagging us down, better pull over.

Soldier: Identification?

Hiro: I'm not carrying it.

Soldier: Well that's real stupid.

Maggie: Here you are!

Maggie: What is a priest doing with two nine millimeter cannons?

Maggie: [singing] The stars are all my friends / Till the nighttime ends / So I know I'm not alone / When I'm here, on my own. / Isn't that a wonder? / When you're alone / You're not alone / Not really alone.

Captain Hook: [yells after Peter who is leaving with Jack, Maggie, and the Lost Boys] Peter! Where are you going? Come back here and fight me! Or I'll find you wherever you are, you hear me? Bad form, Peter, come back!

Maggie: You need a mother very, very badly!

Maggie: [while seeing Peter fighting a pirate, smiles] Peter Pan's my... dad?

Peter Pan: Jack, Maggie, all you have to do is think one happy thought, and you'll fly like me.

Maggie: Mommy.

Jack: My dad, Peter Pan.

Maggie: But Jack says you're not the really real Wendy.

Wendy Darling: Ahh. Well, do you see where Jack is, hmm? Well, that is the same window and this is the same room where we made up our bedtime stories about Peter and Neverland and scary old Captain Hook. And did you know? Mr. Barrie - well, Sir James, our neighbor - he loved our stories so much, he wrote them all down in a book, oh dear me, eighty years ago.

Maggie: You're really old.

Wendy Darling: That's very true.

Maggie: [after Peter rescues her and Jack from Captain Hook] Daddy, let's go home, please? He's just a mean old man without a mommy.

Jack: Yeah, dad, let's go. He can't hurt us anymore.

Maggie: [as Wendy in the play] Boy, why're you crying?

Boy playing Peter Pan: I was crying because I couldn't get my shadow to stick, besides I wasn't crying.

Captain Hook: You, the cute little urchin in the front row, won't you share your thoughts with the whole class?

Maggie: Yes!I said mommy reads to us every night, because she LOVES us very much!

Captain Hook: Loves you? Isn't that the, uh, the...

Smee: The 'L' word, Captain.

Captain Hook: Ooh, yes!

[grimly chuckles]

Captain Hook: No, child, Your mother wants to read to you every night in order to stupefy to sleep, so that she and daddy could sit down for three measly minutes without you. And you mindless, inexhaustible, unstoppable, repetitive, and nagging demands: He took my toy! She hit my bear! I want a potty! I want a cookie! I want to stay up! I want, I want, I want, me, me, me, me, mine, mine, mine, mine, now, now, now, now!

[inhales deeply]

Captain Hook: Can't you understand, child? They tell you stories to shut you up.

Smee: -And conk you out.

Maggie: That's not true, Jack!

[to Hook]

Maggie: You're a liar!

Captain Hook: [laughs] Lie? Me? Never.

[inhales deeply again]

Captain Hook: The TRUTH is far too much fun.

Maggie: [gets up and grabs Captain Hook's hook] I wanna tear your hook off!

Captain Hook: [looks from Jack to Maggie] Easy.

Maggie: I hate... I hate you, Mr. Hook!

Captain Hook: [laughs] What did I tell you, Smee? No little children love me.

Smee: Yes, they do. Come on, you.

[grabs Maggie]

Smee: You're depressin' the Captain.

Maggie: Jack, you listen to me! Never let him make you forget! Never forget mommy and daddy!

Jack: Maggie.

Maggie: Think of a way to run home, Jack! Run home!

Jack: Run home?

Captain Hook: Jack.

[puts his hook in front of his face; Jack's eyes widen a bit]

Captain Hook: You are home.

[laughs]

Captain Hook: Right?

[Hook hangs Maggie and Jack from a net atop the mast]

Captain Hook: I'll make you a deal, Mr. Chairman-of-the-Board. Fly up there and touch the outstretched fingers of your frightened children, and I'll set them free.

Peter Banning: I can't fly!

Captain Hook: Come on, explode out of there! Stop the charade! Free you children!

Maggie, Jack: Help, daddy!

Captain Hook: [Peter whispers to Hook's ear] I beg your pardon?

Peter Banning: [inaudible whisper] I have a real problem with heights.

Captain Hook: You must be joking.

[he laughs]

Captain Hook: Peter Pan has a real problem with heights!

[Hook and the other pirates burst out laughing]

Peter Banning: I'm not Peter Pan.

[Peter and Hook are dueling]

Peter Banning: Good form, old man.

[Hook traps Peter and grinds his hook near his face]

Captain Hook: You know you're not really Peter Pan, don't you? This is only a dream. When you wake up, you'll just be Peter Banning, a cold, selfish man who drinks too much, who's obsessed with success, and runs and hides from his wife and children!

Too Small: I believe in you.

Latchboy: I believe in you.

No Nap: I believe in you, Peter.

Maggie: I believe in you.

Thud Butt: You are the Pan.

Jack: You're Peter Pan.

Tinkerbell: I believe in you... Peter Pan.

[Peter pushes Hook off and returns his sword. As Hook takes it, he slices Peter's arm with his hook]

Jack: Bad form!

Ace: Jack, stop!

Kayitah: [speaking Chiricahua] Forget the hides. Give us your horses and your guns and we'll call it even.

Samuel: They want our horses and guns.

Maggie: I am not giving over my horses!

[to Kayitah]

Maggie: You understand? You'll have to kill me first!

[turns to Samuel]

Maggie: You tell em... You, you tell em what I said.

Samuel: [speaking Chiricahua] Now look. You pissed her off.

Maggie: Why didn't you stay?

Samuel: [long pause] There's an Apache story about a man that woke up one morning and saw a hawk on the wind. Walked outside and never returned. After he died he met his wife in the spirit world. She asked him why he never came home, he said "Well, the hawk kept flying".

[pause]

Samuel: There's always the next something, Maggie. And that will take a man away.

Maggie: Yeah, they're real, quit staring!

Mrs. Calloway: It's Buck.

Maggie: Stallion of the Cim-MORON.

Maggie: It's payback time! Cover me!

Grace: With what?

Maggie: [to Mrs. Calloway] We'd better get to the town quickly. The vultures are circling.

Maggie: [to vultures about Grace's singing] Hey, she's not dying!

Vulture: You sure? We could wait around!

Maggie: We'll keep you posted!

Vulture: [to other vulture] Sorry Clem. False alarm!

Maggie: All right, what part of "cover me" didn't we understand?

Piggy: Gee, you're the biggest cow I've ever saw!

Maggie: Well, if you're in charge, I'll take that as a compliment.

Piggy: Uh...

Maggie: If not, I guess I'm just gonna have to sit on you.

Piggy: Mom!

Maggie: [to Buck] Well, if it isn't the Phony Express.

Grace: [singing badly off key] She'll be coming 'round the mountain she'll be coming 'round the mountain, she'll be coming 'round the mountain when she comes...

Maggie: She'd better hurry up around that mountain, 'cause I can't take this much longer.

Maggie: I got it! Why don't we go nab that Alameda Slim and use the reward money to save the farm?

Mrs. Calloway: Oh, that *is* a sensible idea.

Maggie: I knew you'd love it!

Mrs. Calloway: Don't they have sarcasm where you come from?

Maggie: Hey, thanks, everybody! It's great to be here in Patch o' Heaven! Now don't everybody speak at one time!

[silence]

Maggie: What is this, the frozen food section?

Maggie: Last one to the barn sleeps standing up!

Maggie: You go, cow girl.

Mrs. Calloway: Maggie, may I be frank?

Maggie: Only if you let me wear the hat.

Grace: What kind of sheriff's office was that?

Mrs. Calloway: Saloon girls? Gambling? How does he ever get any work done?

Maggie: If that's the sheriff's office, this town rocks!

Maggie: [to Piggy] Here, have an apple, kid. Don't go near any luaus, though.

Maggie: Cattle drive. Told ya. You both owe me a dollar.

Maggie: Look, we don't eat meat. It's kind a professional courtesy.

Liz, Declan: [as each survivor passes by their parallel counterpart] Hi.

David, Mark: [formally] Hello.

Dianne, Maggie: [friendly] Hi!

Barbara, Yvonne's Mum: [politely] Hello.

Ed, Cousin Tom: [too involved with their cell phones, briefly glancing at each other, muttering] Hello.

Danny Maccabee: I need you to swim to Uncle Eddie. If you get to him without touching the bottom, we'll give you a dolphin cookie.

Maggie: Is that what your grandpa gave you?

Danny Maccabee: No, grandpa gave us something he'd call a Heineken.

Michael: I want one of those.

Danny Maccabee: No. Stick with the dolphin cookie.

Eddie: Yeah, they hurt less when they get thrown at your head. God, he was a sick man.

Palmer: So Bart, if you could be anyone else, who would it be?

Michael: Mr. Dechesray.

Maggie: Our mailman?

Michael: He just seems to have it all figured out.

Maggie: Can I do an accent?

Danny Maccabee: Give me your best shot.

Maggie: [British accent] Hello.

Danny Maccabee: No.

Maggie: [British accent] Hello, Dr. Danny. How are you today?

Danny Maccabee: What's with the accent?

Katherine: She's been working on some accents.

Maggie: I'll be taking acting classes and become the next Miley Cyrus. Yes, I am.

Danny Maccabee: How about you there, do you like Hannah Montana?

Michael: No, I'm more into Californication.

Katherine: When do you ever watch Californication?

Maggie: Rose lets us watch Showtime when she calls her boyfriend.

Maggie: Stanley, you are the nicest guy. Really, you are.

Stanley Ipkiss: Yeah?

Maggie: Charlie, isn't Stanley the nicest guy?

Charlie Schumacher: The best.

[Maggie walks off]

Charlie Schumacher: That was THE most sickening display I've ever seen.

Stanley Ipkiss: I disagree. I think I'm wearing her down.

Maggie: Have you ever seen a dead body?

Johnny: Only me own.

Maggie: The way I see it, husbands are like a couple of cats. They're completely domesticated, and the first time you let them out they're so paralyzed with fear they'll come running back inside.

Grace: Yeah. But we're not talking about cats, we're talking about dogs!

Ashley Albright: Here we go again. Maggie you've known me since Seventh Grade, right? Okay, will you please tell her that I'm not lucky.

Maggie: Well, you were voted prom queen at Franklin High.

Ashley Albright: So?

Maggie: We went to Jefferson!

Maggie: Because when one door closes...

Ashley Albright: ...Two others open.

Maggie: [after McFly plays her song at the Hard Rock] Is that applause or the sound of my nervous system shutting down?

Ashley Albright: [finding a dress with her dry cleaning] This isn't mine.

Dana: Who's is it?

Ashley Albright: [reading the tag] Sarah Jessica Parker's.

[Maggie screams]

Dana: What?

Ashley Albright: I'm not kidding.

Maggie: I didn't know Sarah Jessica Parker lived in your building.

Dana: Oh, my God. And look, it's Dolce.

Ashley Albright: Oh, my gosh. I can return it tomorrow.

Dana: Let me look. Ah, yes. Your size. What are the odds?

Maggie: Don't be jealous.

Ashley Albright: You know, this might actually look cute on me.

Maggie: You can totally wear it tonight.

Dana: I'm gonna need some chocolate now.

Maggie: I'm gonna need some milk.

Ashley Albright: I'm gonna try on the dress.

Dana: So did you?

Ashley Albright: Okay, David Pennington is a gentleman. We kissed.

Dana: Boring.

Ashley Albright: [to Zuki] Check please, Zuki.

Zuki, Japanese Maitre D': Okay.

Ashley Albright: Thank you.

Maggie: So was it a normal kiss or was it a supernatural tingling in your toes butterflies in your tummy kiss.

Ashley Albright: It was enough to get him to ask me on another date.

[Zuki hands Ashley the bill]

Dana: No, no, no, no, no. Uh-uh.

Ashley Albright: [to her company credit card] Wait, what's that?

[to Dana and Maggie]

Ashley Albright: Señor Platibum says lunch is on him.

Dana: I can't stand this.

Ashley Albright: What?

Dana: And now on top of everything else Peggy Braden has given you world wide buying power. There's positive energy and then there's just plain dumb luck.

Maggie: [after Jake kisses Ashley and takes away her good luck] Ashley, who was that?

Ashley Albright: Umm... I honestly don't know.

Maggie: You were just kissing that guy, you honestly don't know?

Ashley Albright: Yeah, yeah.

[the heel of Ashley's shoe snaps]

Ashley Albright: Oh!

Maggie: What?

Ashley Albright: My shoe.

Ashley Albright: [to Maggie] Oh... I never noticed. Is your cat all black?

Maggie: Yeah. Why?

Ashley Albright: Just curious. Well this is nice. We'll have fun. Everything's gonna be... Oh, my god.

Dana: What?

Ashley Albright: I have a zit. I have a zit. Girls, I have a zit!

[Ashley's hair gets caught in the hair dryer and she smashes the bathroom window]

Dana: Ash, are you okay in there?

Ashley Albright: Oh, my God! Oh, my God!

Dana: Ashley? Ash!

[Ashley causes the lights in the entire building to blackout]

Hope: Scale of one to 10, that was a...

Maggie: Yeah.

Hope: When you're coming off your giant, your tuck is getting sloppy and your legs are separating. Unless you're catching spinning air dicks in there, I want you to keep 'em closed.

Hope: No. Get out!

Counter Boy: What?

Hope: No-boy rule. That's it. Get the fuck out. You'll see her in six months. Absence makes the dick grow harder. Maggie, get up here. Get up here, now.

Maggie: Hope, I was just doing what you said.

Hope: You better get ready to stop acting like a loser and start acting like a champion. You better not have gotten any clit jazz on my car.

Lance: Thank's Maggie. I think I've seen enough.

Maggie: I think my camel toe's a little off.

Lance: Excuse me?

Hope: She's a bit of a perv.

Hope: I'm not running home and telling my dad every time you get camel toe.

Maggie: What's camel toe?

Hope: Just a pro term for sticking a landing.

Hope: Shut your cockhole.

Maggie: My what?

Hope: Don't worry about it.

Hope: Now, close your eyes.

Maggie: Are we praying? I love that. Let's hold hands.

[Lucas shows up to Maggie's house ready to go to the school dance with Cappie and Alise as a double date]

Lucas: So, you ready to go?

Maggie: I don't think we can go, Lucas.

Lucas: Why not?

Maggie: Cappie and Alise broke up today.

Lucas: But aren't they here?

Maggie: Cappie's here, and he's very depressed. Sit down.

[Lucas sits with Maggie outside her front door]

Maggie: She was jealous, or she doesn't like me or something. She said she'd break up with him if he went through with it. She didn't want to go with us, Luke. So, I think we have to call it off.

Lucas: I have my bike. We can still go.

Maggie: He kind of needs someone with him tonight. I don't want to leave him by himself. He had tears in his eyes when he came over tonight. Can you imagine tat big, strong guy crying?

[Cappie walks out of the house and sits between Maggie and Lucas]

Cappie: Hi, Luke. I am sorry, Bud. Am I a drag, or what?

Lucas: Listen. I think you should come to the dance with us. I think it'd cheer you up.

Cappie: Naw. I'd feel like a third wheel. We were thinking of going out for a pizza. Why don't you come with us?

Maggie: Yeah, why don't you?

Lucas: You're going out for pizza.

Cappie: Well, it's just a suggestion.

Lucas: If you're so depressed how come you're eating pizza?

Cappie: Maybe I should just go home.

Lucas: No. Go eat pizza. Don't let me spoil your depression.

[Lucas runs to get his bike as Maggie runs behind him]

Maggie: Are you okay? Where are you going?

Lucas: To the dance.

Maggie: By yourself?

Lucas: Hey, I'm a party animal.

[Lucas gets on his bike and rides away]

[Lucas goes to his bike]

Maggie: Where are you going?

Lucas: To the dance.

Maggie: By yourself?

Lucas: Hey, I'm a party animal.

[Lucas hides away from Maggie under a bridge]

Maggie: Come on out, Lucas. I know you're in there. I can see your feet.

[joins Lucas under the bridge]

Maggie: Have you been crying?

Lucas: Yeah. So what? I mean, wimps do that. Didn't you know? Just like big, strong guys.

Maggie: What do you want me to do, Lucas?

Lucas: I don't care. Just keep doing what you're doing. Go to bed with him.

Maggie: That's not fair.

Lucas: Yeah, a lot of things aren't fair.

Maggie: Lucas, you and I were just friends.

Lucas: Why?

Maggie: What do you mean, why?

Lucas: I mean, why just friends?

Maggie: Because that's all we were.

Lucas: Yeah, but why?

Maggie: Well, you're 14.

Lucas: Romeo was 14.

Maggie: I don't know, Lucas. There are certain people you like in a certain way, and others you like as a friend. I don't know why. You know about science, do you know why?

Lucas: Yeah. Actually, I do. It's called the process of natural selection. You ever heard of Darwin? The males who demonstrate physical prowess are the most attractive to the females. And by breeding with the strongest males, the females ensure survival of the species.

Maggie: You know how wonderful you are?

Lucas: Yeah, but it doesn't turn you on, does it?

Maggie: I want you to be my friend.

[Lucas tries to kiss Maggie]

Maggie: What are we going to do with you?

Lucas: Go away.

[Lucas begins to yell]

Lucas: Go! Leave! Leave! Go! Go away!

[Maggie leaves Lucas alone]

[Lucas disagrees with Maggie on becoming superficial]

Maggie: I think I'm going to do this today.

Lucas: Cheerleading?

Maggie: Well check it out.

Lucas: What for?

Maggie: I might want to do it.

Lucas: What, be a cheerleader?

Maggie: I don't know. Is that all right, Lucas?

[Lucas shrugs his shoulders]

Maggie: Well, the way you were looking at me.

Lucas: Whatever. We can collect tadpoles tomorrow.

Maggie: Well, If I like it, I will be doing it tomorrow, too. They practice everyday.

[Lucas hangs his head]

Maggie: It sounds like fun, Lucas. well, didn't you hear what they said? Away games and buses and stuff.

Lucas: I guess everybody has their own idea of fun. Some people go to football games. Other people do less superficial things.

Maggie: Look, Lucas. Just because you don't approve of something doesn't mean other people don't have a right to enjoy it. Well, you're in the band aren't you?

Lucas: Yeah.

Maggie: So?

Lucas: So?

Maggie: So the band goes to football games.

Lucas: We're totally different.

Maggie: Why?

Lucas: Because the band does not have fun there.

Maggie: Then why do you do it?

Lucas: I don't know.

Maggie: Well, figure it out, and in the meantime don't call people superficial because they just want to have fun. Look, I'm new here. I don't know anybody. Why can't you be helpful and understanding about that?

[Maggie runs off]

Rena: Throw it to Lucas!

Maggie: Throw it to Lucas!

Ben: Throw it to Lucas!

Band Member: Throw it to Lucas!

Coach: No, don't throw it to Bly!

[Cappie and Maggie are out at the pizza parking lot instead of going to the dance]

Maggie: Do you believe in destiny? Is that why you flip coins?

Cappie: I guess so. Do you?

Maggie: I'm interested in destiny.

Cappie: Yeah? What else are you interested in?

Maggie: A lot of things.

Cappie: Things like...

Maggie: Like...

Cappie: Like politics?

Maggie: So-So.

Cappie: Yeah. Are you interested in wide receivers?

Maggie: What's that?

Cappie: The position I play.

Cappie: [laughs] Oh, is that what you play? Sort of.

Cappie: Are you interested in cars?

Maggie: No.

Cappie: No. Are you interested in being kissed?

Maggie: Yes.

[Cappie kisses Maggie on the lips as Lucas watches from the distance]

[Lucas and Maggie sit in the movie theater and begin to watch Cappie and Alise kissing in the row behind them]

Maggie: Why do they call you Leukoplakia? Does it mean something?

Lucas: Leukoplakia is cancer of the mouth.

Lucas: [Maggie and Lucas then look in the row behind them] I think they've done it. It's the same with pigeons. You can tell by the way they kiss.

[Maggie continues to stare when Cappie see's her watching]

[Lucas see's Maggie for the first time and begins to watch her play tennis as one of the tennis balls rolls to him]

Maggie: Could you grab that for me?

[Lucas rolls the tennis ball back]

Maggie: Thank you. Do you play tennis?

Lucas: No. Uh-Uh.

Maggie: What's that thing?

Lucas: It's a net, for insects.

Maggie: You collect them?

Lucas: No, to collect them, you have to kill them. I just look at 'em.

Maggie: Oh, that's nice.

[Lucas smiles and nods]

Maggie: Well, thanks.

[Maggie goes back to playing tennis as Lucas hits the play button on his tape player, playing the song Waltz of the Flowers, continuing to watch her]

Lucas: [Maggie see's Lucas still watching as he turns off the tape player] You're very good.

Maggie: Not so much when people are watching me.

Lucas: Are you on the team?

Maggie: No, I just moved here. Is there a team?

Lucas: Yeah, at school.

Maggie: Which school, Park High?

Lucas: Yeah.

Maggie: You go there?

[Lucas nods yes]

Maggie: You look... Younger.

Lucas: Yeah I'm accelerated.

Maggie: Oh, you must be real smart then.

[Locus nods yes again]

Maggie: Well, I'll see you there when it starts.

Lucas: What's your name?

Maggie: Maggie.

Lucas: Hi, I'm Lucas.

[Lucas tells Maggie what he thinks about her name after she gives him a ride home]

Lucas: It's perfect your name's Maggie.

Maggie: Why?

Lucas: Because a Magpie's black and white.

Maggie: Oh.

Lucas: [smiles] Perfect.

Maggie: [laughs] Bye-Bye.

Lucas: Bye.

[Maggie honks her car horn]

[Lucas talks to Maggie inside her car]

Maggie: Well, what's your phone number?

Lucas: Oh, um, it's unlisted. And my parents don't like for me to give it out to people.

Maggie: Oh. Well, then maybe I'll stop by sometime.

Lucas: Um, they don't like people to stop by either. You know, I can visit people, but they just don't like people making a mess of the house.

Maggie: Oh.

Lucas: But hey, I can meet you there.

Maggie: Where?

Lucas: Um, the tennis courts, the ones by the school.

Maggie: When?

Lucas: 3:00.

Maggie: Today!

Lucas: Every day!

Maggie: Ok.

[Maggie laughs as Lucas runs off]

[Lucas talks to Maggie with their backs to each other, while sitting under the stage of a classical music band playing]

Lucas: Maggie.

Maggie: Yeah?

Lucas: Is your name Margaret?

Maggie: Yes.

Lucas: Margaret.

Maggie: Yeah?

Lucas: I'm just saying it.

Maggie: Oh.

Lucas: Did you think we'd be such good friends when we first met?

Maggie: I don't know.

Lucas: What did you think of me?

Maggie: I thought you were interesting.

Lucas: I thought you were beautiful.

Lucas: Do you still?

Maggie: What?

Lucas: Think I'm interesting?

Maggie: Yes.

Lucas: Me, too.

Maggie: Lucas, I think I like classical music.

Maggie: Lucas?

Lucas: Yeah.

Maggie: Is there something wrong?

Maggie: I just wish school would never start.

[Lucas and Maggie stare at each other]

[Maggie walks into the hospital room Lucas is in]

Maggie: [Maggie begins to cry] You could have gotten killed.

Lucas: Did we win?

Maggie: No way.

Lucas: Boy. They sure were big.

Maggie: [Maggie laughs] I don't want you ever playing football again.

Lucas: Okay.

Maggie: You.

Lucas: Magpie.

Maggie: Locusts. They're all gone, you know. The Locusts. I was just outside. They aren't making any noise anymore.

Lucas: Not for 17 years.

[Maggie holds Lucas's hand]

Lucas: I'm sorry for doing this.

Maggie: I guess you had to.

Lucas: Yeah.

Maggie: You know, survival of the species and all.

[both smile]

Maggie: What are you thinking?

Lucas: I'm just wondering where we'll be when they come back.

Maggie: Who?

Lucas: The Locusts.

Maggie: Gosh, I don't know.

Lucas: You'll be 33.

Maggie: Oh, wow.

Lucas: I'll be 31 1/2. I wonder if we'll still know each other.

Maggie: I don't know.

Lucas: I hope so.

Maggie: Oh, me too.

[Lucas and Maggie smile together]

[last lines]

Bruno: [Lucas returns to school and a few of the football players and Lucas's closest friends wait for him in the hallway of his locker] Here he is.

[Lucas opens his locker to find a football jacket with the name Lucas on it, as everyone begins to clap in unison]

Maggie: Try it on, Lucas!

Kid in Hallway: Try it on, Luke!

Bruno: [Lucas puts on the jacket] All right, Lucas!

Ben: [Ben films Lucas on his camera] All right, Lucas! Way to go!

Kids in Hallway: [the students all begin to cheer the name Lucas] Lucas! Lucas! Lucas! Lucas! Lucas! Lucas!

Bruno: All right!

[Lucas throws his arms up]

[Cappie and Maggie talk while waiting for Cappie's shirt to get clean in the school's washroom]

Maggie: You know, it's nice to know somebody who has really heavy thoughts.

Cappie: Absolutely.

Maggie: Do you?

Cappie: What?

Maggie: Have heavy thoughts.

Cappie: Oh, yeah. Sure. All the time. I'm not having any right now.

[Maggie laughs]

Cappie: But just give me some time.

Maggie: [referring to Lucas] What did he do for you? You said he helped you once.

Cappie: Oh, right. Yeah. With my school work. I was out with this terrible case of hepatitis for a couple months. And he came by my house everyday and brought my books to me. I still don't know why he did.

Maggie: Because you're nice to him.

Cappie: I didn't used to be. I used to treat him like everybody else does.

Maggie: Why do people do that?

Cappie: I don't know, because he's strange I guess. You know, last year, he even had this strange walk. He said it had something to do with the force of gravity. Just the way he mouths off at class sometimes, that's how the term leukoplakia got started. Anyways, I do owe a lot to him, and I like him.

Maggie: I like him too.

Cappie: So I'll do what I can to keep him from getting hurt.

Maggie: Yeah.

[Maggie smiles]

Oliver: He's paying me hourly.

Vincent: I'm showing him how the world works. You work, you get paid, you drink.

Maggie: You're drinking alcohol?

Vincent: ...I honestly don't remember.

Oliver: Is that our new neighbor?

Maggie: Yep.

Oliver: It's gonna be a long life.

Maggie: [about Oliver's book] God, that's depressing.

Oliver: No, it's not. The tree was meant to give, so to be able to give everything and have nothing left is the best life the tree could ever have.

Maggie: Well, your father must think I'm a tree.

Oliver: Why would he think that?

Maggie: Nothing. Nothing.

Judge Reynolds: [at a custody hearing, the judge is asking questions about Oliver's activities with Vin that his mother was unaware of] Daka Paramova... are you aware of her occupation?

Maggie: [whispering, to her attorney] She, she works for Vince.

Maggie: [to Oliver] She works for Vince, right?

Oliver: [whispering to his mother] She's the lady of the night.

Maggie: [astonished, still whispering] What? Do you know what that means?

Oliver: [with total naïveté, trying to be helpful] She works at night?

Maggie: [later, leaving the courthouse, Mom is livid] I guess gambling in a race track is like a Math class, huh? You can learn how to bet?

Oliver: The odds.

Maggie: A bar, I guess that could fall under Current Events, right?

Oliver: [still with complete sincerity and naïveté] More like Social Studies?

Maggie: It's a strip club hooker that I can seem to get my head around.

Oliver: Commerce? Biology?

Maggie: Just stop talking.

Maggie: I thought you ate at Vincent's house.

Oliver: I had sushi.

Maggie: You had sushi?

Oliver: Well, sardines. He calls it sushi. Didn't want to hurt his feelings.

Tony: Hey, does my breath smell?

[Maggie smells while Tony exhales through mouth]

Maggie: No. Does my?

[Maggie exhales through mouth while Tony smells]

Maggie: I've decided to embrace the mystery of the universe and stop bossing everybody around so much.

Max: Good luck with that, bossy pants.

Tony: He's gonna write a book about us one day and we are *not* gonna look good.

Mary Haines: [sees her daughter burning tampons] What is she doing?

Maggie: Well, she says she doesn't want to be a woman.

Maggie: You know, the first man that can think up a good explanation how he can be in love with his wife and another woman is gonna win that prize they're always giving out in Sweden.

Maggie: [Regarding men] You can't trust none of 'em no further than I can kick this lemon pie.

Maggie: Now don't that sound just like a husband?

Maggie: [Performing a ritual with a charm after a stunt] No fall, nor wound, nor aching head... can stop this charm from bringing you back from the dead!

[from trailer]

Daphne Wilder: God couldn't be everywhere so that is why he invented mothers.

Maggie: What? That was on a Hallmark card we gave you

[from trailer]

Mae: Mom, why do you always wear the high tops?

Daphne Wilder: I just got these, what's wrong with these?

Maggie: There just kinda depressing.

Milly: Mom for your 60th birthday we'll buy you something beautiful, something that grandma Moses would not wear.

Maggie: [discussing sex] I swear, by the third time I was so loud car alarms were going off and dogs were barking.

Daphne Wilder: What? Three times? Is that... is that normal?

Mae: Oh, come on, we all know I hold the record in this family.

[holds up seven fingers, Milly Smirks]

Daphne Wilder: Milly, honey, why are you so quiet?

Mae: [Coyly] 'Cause she's doing the oompa-loompa with two guys, mom.

Daphne Wilder: [after hearing Jason kind of propose to Milly] Did he just propose? Because I think he just proposed.

Maggie: I think he did, but the question is to who?

Daphne Wilder: Maggie quit being a kill joy.

Maggie: Listen! You're right! I didn't handle this well. And I understand you feel betrayed! But, really, isn't some of this anger a little misplaced?

Milly: No! No, Maggie! It's placed exactly where it should be and there is plenty to go around, so don't worry, mom will be getting hers!

Maggie: [after Daphne screams while being knocked over with groceries while on the phone] Always so dramatic.

Maggie: [Daphne continues to moan on the ground] Mother, this is like 6th grade drama club. Speak English!

Daphne Wilder: Cooper is in heat.

Maggie: Mom, Cooper is a boy.

Lynne: Hi! We need fifty of these right away.

[she hands Natalie's invitation to clerk at copy store]

Janey: Lynne!

Lynne: There's a few people Natalie forgot to invite.

Janey: [to clerk] Make it a hundred and fifty.

Maggie: [claps] Yea!

Lynne: We're so cool.

Maggie: Sorry, I needed the phone.

Jeff: Why, the cabbage patch mothers are having a PTA meeting?

Maggie: Do you really think I'm punk? Well, that's outrageous! I mean, it's not as cool as new wave, but it's a lot better than pre-teen!

Maggie: I was going to let you park in my garage. Who knows, maybe even visit the garage around back? I don't know how sex works!

Maggie: You're not bi-sexual, Carla - you're omni-sexual! You're like that tornado in the Wizard of Oz, sweeping up everything in your path.

[Maggie and Tony are washing the sidewalk in front of 10% Books]

Religious Zealot: Jesus loves you!

Maggie: Oh, thank you!

[to Tony]

Maggie: So, do you think we've gotten "Die, dyke, die" off the sidewalk?

Maggie: What are you doing?

Kim: Better homes and dildos!

Tony: [to Maggie] Can you believe she's never been in my coffee shop? Tell her how great it is.

Kim: Come on, I just got here. I haven't been anywhere.

Tony: Come on! Tell her how great it is, fuck!

Maggie: It's great. Fuck.

Lila: So, you're working in a discount bookstore, huh?

Maggie: I am? Oh! "Ten Percent."

Maggie: Oh it's so relaxing in Italy. People are so laid back.

Maggie: [to Dex] But you've never been happy with any women you've dated.

Dex: Well, that's Male Insanity Syndrome. Ya know, that is just you're with a woman and no matter how cool she is, you're always thinking "Maybe I could do a little better or I could trade up somehow.

Syd: "Trade up?"

[At night, in their tents]

Dex: Good night, Rick!

Rick: Good night, Dex.

Dex: Good night, Maggie!

Maggie: Good night, John Boy.

Dex: Goodnight, Syd.

Syd: MY GOD DO YOU EVER STOP TALKING?

Sam: Say what you want, Linda and I are in love.

Maggie: Yeah, except for her boning my boyfriend, you two are the perfect couple.

Sam: Listen, Catwoman. At the end of the day, she is coming back to me, and we're gonna be happy! And where are you gonna be? All alone somewhere, plotting some little revenge scheme, that's where!

Maggie: Let me tell you something, Sam. Listen to me very carefully. Are you listening?

Sam: Yes.

Maggie: The only way that girl is coming back to you is if a blast of semen catapults her across the street and through the window.

Sam: So what is your plan? What do you want to do?

Maggie: I just want his dignity, that's all. I want him hopeless, loveless, finished off! I just wish him ill, very very ill.

Sam: How ill are we talking here?

Maggie: I'm not saying I want him dead. But, should that occur... people die every day, why should he be any different? I'm just thinking on my feet, though. I don't have to decide the death part right now, I can just wait and see how I feel once his dignity's a thing of the past.

Maggie: You know Sam, French men are very small.

Sam: Yeah?

Maggie: But not this guy. It's like Godzilla's tail! He could take down Tokyo with that thing!

Maggie: What's your name?

Sam: Mike.

Maggie: What's your name, Mike?

Sam: Sam.

[watching Anton and Linda on the camera obscura, without sound, Sam and Maggie ad-lib their conversation with French accents]

Sam: Look, my darling, I wanted to show you how well my hands fit on top of my knees, and also to give you a little...

Maggie: Get away from me. Get away from me, please. You are rude.

Sam: Oh, but I love you, my little lamb. I must have you. My love is throbbing at quite a fevered cadence.

Maggie: But you cannot have me. My love is reserved for another.

Sam: You cannot mean...?

Maggie: Yes! The Milky Way Man!

[on the screen, Anton turns away from Linda]

Sam: No, no, no! Anyone but him! No, this is a man who can predict Alpha Cluster emissions. Next to him, I am nothing. I'm a worm, I'm a little...

Maggie: Yes, I love his emissions. Not every man...

[they crack up laughing]

Maggie: ...can be the Milky Way Man.

Sam: No.

[on the screen, Anton sulks]

Maggie: What will you do now?

Sam: Forlorn, I will wander the earth by myself - thinking of you and pausing occasionally to have the sex with the skullses. Heh-heh.

Maggie: That's good. Now be quiet about that, or I will make you...

[Linda stuffs a pecan into Anton's mouth, and then licks her fingers]

Maggie: Eat another one of these pecans!

Sam: I like! Oh, this is very good.

Maggie: Look how I'm licking my fingers. You like that?

Sam: I like everything, I am French.

[last lines]

Sam: So I saw this episode of "Lassie" today. And Lassie was accused of a crime she didn't commit, and the Ranger was coming to put her to sleep.

Maggie: Uh-oh. How's Lassie going to get out of this one?

Sam: Well, the little boy told Lassie that she had to go away, far away.

Maggie: For her own good.

Sam: Yes, but you see, Lassie couldn't leave. Lassie just couldn't leave the boy.

Maggie: What did he do?

Sam: He told her he never liked her. He said, "I hate you, Lassie. I hate you. You're a bad dog."

Maggie: That must have made Lassie sad.

Sam: Yes, it did. Lassie trotted off, very sadly. But you know what happened? Lassie came home, Maggie.

Maggie: Did the little boy make it with Lassie?

Sam: Yes. Yes he did.

Maggie: I sleep naked. It's the only way I'm comfortable, so don't think of it as a come-on, because if you so much as breathe in my direction I will nail your willy to that beam.

Maggie: When I was a kid, my father had this dog that started to get all weak and sickly. He takes it to the vet, he examines it and says a maggot must have laid eggs in the dog's butt. The baby maggots have crawled up, now they've started to grow, and eventually they're gonna eat the dog alive from the inside. He says it should be put to sleep, because it's an old dog anyway. But father won't do it. He takes the dog home, he puts it on the bed, he reaches up into the dog, picking out the maggots with his finger, one by one. It takes him all night, but he gets every last one. That dog outlived my father. That's love, Sam.

Sam: Oh my God! Oh my God he's killing her!

Maggie: Yeah, he's killin' her all right, and she's loving every minute of it!

Sam: He said something about having sex with my skull.

Maggie: Ah, he says that to everyone, don't worry about it.

Maggie: I don't want him back, I just want him vaporized, extinguished! When I'm done with him, he'll be just a twitching little stain on the floor.

[Maggie turns down the sound of Anton and Linda having sex]

Maggie: Help me get him, Sam. Take the road less traveled. It'll make all the difference!

Sam: No, forget it! I will not be sucked into your nightmare, forget it!

Maggie: Okay, fine, whatever. You know, I bet I could get this in stereo.

[turns up the sound even louder]

Maggie: Well, that is, without a doubt, the most pathetic thing I've ever heard.

Sam: You don't understand...

Maggie: And I don't mean that in a trivial way. I'm a photographer, I've seen a lot of things. I once took pictures of a man who ate his own legs, and you would be the black sheep of that family.

[after Maggie mocks Sam's hopes]

Sam: Well, what is your evil plan, huh? You're gonna squirt him with squirt guns? Throw rotten strawberries at him?

Maggie: You looked in my satchel?

Sam: Yeah, call a cop!

Maggie: [shrugs] You are a strange, tragic little man.

[listening to Anton and Linda's boisterous lovemaking]

Sam: Oh, this is horrible! This is horr- this is worse than I'd imagined!

Maggie: Want me to turn it off?

Sam: No, no, I... I need to hear it.

Maggie: How very brave.

[Maggie appears in Anton's apartment and eases down next to him]

Anton: Maggie, I...

Maggie: Shh... say we're even.

Anton: What?

Maggie: Just say it.

Anton: ...Yes. Yes, we are even.

Maggie: Good.

[ruffles his hair affectionately]

Maggie: So how ya been?

[hearing Anton and Linda screaming with ecstasy]

Sam: No, she's not like that! She likes to make love quiet and slow and gentle...

Maggie: Are you kidding? That girl of yours is a carnival ride!

[the group is at breakfast the day after Steve ate the hallucinogenic mushrooms]

Maggie: Are you still tripping?

Steve: No, no. Why are you naked?

Laura Henderson: What a commotion!

Maggie: They think the theater ecourages what they call overcongregating. It seems that we're too popular.

Laura Henderson: Do you mean we'd stay open if we were a failure? How ridiculous!

Maggie: Do heavy metalers eat chips, Larry?

Larry: Probably.

[offering to give Maggie a make-over]

Carol: Maggie, you are a very pretty girl.

Maggie: No, I'm not.

Carol: Yes, you are.

Maggie: No, I'm not.

Carol: Yes! But you make Mother Teresa look like a hooker.

[knocking on Peter's bedroom door in the middle of the night]

Maggie: Fill me with your little babies!

Maggie: [explaining her disastrous come-on to Peter] I went upstairs and threw my clothes off.

Carol: That's direct. What'd he say?

Maggie: [beginning to sob] He said he wasn't in the vagina business.

Carol: [taken aback] That's direct too... Has Peter ever been in the vagina business?

Maggie: Yes. He slept with Sarah!

Carol: Oh, there's a surprise. Was she engaged to Peter too?

Maggie: No, they just had a brief affair.

Andrew: So, how's the world of publishing?

Maggie: Fine. Very busy.

Andrew: Any news on the boyfriend front?

Maggie: I was kind of seeing someone. An author.

Andrew: And what happened?

Maggie: He committed suicide.

Andrew: Oh, I'm so sorry. I didn't...

Maggie: It's alright. Honestly. Really. I didn't really like him very much. I liked him even LESS after he committed suicide.

Andrew: How did he do it?

Maggie: Threw himself off a building.

Andrew: Eek.

Maggie: Couldn't even do that properly. It was only a three-story building. He would have survived, only a car ran him over.

[Andrew chuckles]

Maggie: It's not funny.

Andrew: Oh, it is slightly funny, Maggie.

Maggie: How's Ben?

Mary Charleston: [as if introducing herself at an Alcoholics Anonymous meeting] My name is Mary, I'm an overprotective mother, and I've only phoned twice, today, and he's fine.

[Carol, Maggie, Peter and Andrew are listening to the squeaking from upstairs, which they presume is Sarah and Brian, when Sarah arrives in the kitchen]

Sarah: Hi, guys.

[the others turn to face Sarah]

Peter: Now, that's what I call an extremely long dick.

Andrew: Well, if it isn't Sarah, is it us?

Maggie: It can only be Roger and Mary!

Peter: I assume they must have resolved their differences last night.

Andrew: [telephone rings] This is the acid test

[Squeaking stops for a few seconds, before resuming]

Andrew: Darlings!

Peter: Well, if you'll excuse me, I better go!

[Exits]

[Carol is exercising vigorously on the kitchen floor]

Maggie: What are you doing?

Carol: Donkey kicks. I've eaten every thing in the place, and I'm trying to work it off before morning. I used to be bulimic. A year ago, I'd be in the bathroom throwing it all up. I'm much healthier now!

Maggie: Your overreaction, though understandable, is an overreaction.

[the gang are discussing a cabaret performance in Bradford]

Peter: We went on after the Fabulous Poodles!

Brian, Sarah's Escort: The Fabulous Poodles! Now there was a band! Whatever happened to them?

Maggie: I don't know, but we were on after them, and Peter was in the middle of his opening monologue when someone threw a glass, and Peter said...

Roger: [Imitating Peter] If that happens again, we're going straight home!

[a short pause is followed by the gang pretending to throw glasses at Roger]

Maggie: We're not students anymore!

Andrew: Thank God!

Maggie: [rejected] You slept with Sarah, I know you did!

Peter: Oh, my dear, the Archbishop of Canterbury has slept with Sarah! And that was years ago.

Barbara Roxbury: First my party's ruined, then my house is destroyed. Now someone's stolen my car.

Maggie: As I've always said, Barbara, you throw one hell of a party.

Bill: Look, we didn't plan on the financial burden of a baby. It's puttin' a strain on our marriage.

Maggie: We're hoping you had some advice.

Rich: Well, figure it out soon because lawyers are more expensive than children.

Rich: [voiceover] Let this be a lesson: Babies...

Maggie: Goodnight, sweet girl.

Rich: [voiceover] ... are people, too. They just want a little love.

Maggie: What if he asks about his mother?

Buddy Evans: Why would he do that?

Maggie: Sooner or later he's going to notice he doesn't have a mother.

Buddy Evans: I'll stall him.

Maggie: All his life?

Buddy Evans: No, all mine.

Buddy Evans: I want this baby.

Maggie: Why this baby? Why do you want THIS baby?

Buddy Evans: Because I love it.

Maggie: You can't love anything!

Buddy Evans: I love you... five minutes ago when I smiled, it was the first time I had since you left.

Larry: Aww, isn't this wonderful? I feel like God.

Samson: I killed her.

Maggie: You're strange, John.

Tony: What'd you do, man? Sit on her?

Tony: Gimme a cigarette, man.

Layne: You fucking gave up cigarettes.

Tony: I gave up yesterday, not today.

Layne: I gave up lending.

[hands over the cigarette anyway]

Layne: Learn some self-control, you're interrupting.

[to Matt:]

Layne: Go on.

Matt: I don't know. I just figured we could dump this place, you know? Go up there, and if we like it, we stay, don't come back.

Clarissa: [not impressed] Where did you get Portland?

Matt: Well, nobody knows us up there.

Clarissa: People know us here?

Layne: [mimicking Sonny & Cher, his hand wandering] I know you, babe.

Clarissa: [brushing him off] That's really annoying, Layne.

Layne: [to Matt:] So what, man? We could be lumberjacks or something?

Matt: There's other things to do.

Layne: Like what?

Maggie: Like getting stoned.

[laughter]

Layne: It almost sounds like a plan. Except we're all broke, and I'm the only one with a car.

Tony: We could just take all our parents' money, take off, discover America, and make like we're Easy Rider plus five.

Clarissa: [checking Maggie's wristwatch] Shit, I gotta go. Burkewaite's gonna have a spaz attack if I'm late again.

Layne: [taunting] She's in love with his middle-aged ass.

Clarissa: He's not middle-aged, asshole.

[to new arrival coming up:]

Clarissa: Hi, John.

Layne: [to Samson] Didn't think you'd make it today. Where's Jamie?

Samson: I killed her.

Clarissa: [to Maggie] She's gonna be in big trouble if she keeps ditching like this.

Maggie: [to Samson] You what?

Samson: I killed her.

Maggie: [decides he's talking nonsense] You're strange, John.

[the two girls walk off to class]

Maggie: We've got the heart but not the moves to beat those fourth street bitches.

Maggie: You can't reappropriate a word that doesn't apply to you.

Ray: [laughs] I'm a boy with tits. I can reappropriate whatever I want.

Dolly: What about trying something alternative?

Maggie: What? Like acupuncture?

Maggie: I don't know anything about boys or men. It's not like I had any role model.

Dolly: You had me.

Maggie: Can you go over to your room

[correcting]

Maggie: someone's room.

[Last lines]

Maggie: [Ray is shooting on his phone] Sweetheart, will you please put that down.

Ray: I'm proud of you.

Maggie: [inaudible] I'm proud of you.

Seth: You're an excellent doctor.

Maggie: How do you know?

Seth: I have a feeling.

Maggie: That's pretty flimsy evidence.

Seth: Close your eyes. It's just for a moment.

[touches her hand]

Seth: What am I doing?

Maggie: You're... touching me.

Seth: Touch. How do you know?

Maggie: Because, I feel it.

Seth: You should trust that. You don't trust it enough.

Seth: Why do people cry?

Maggie: What do you mean?

Seth: I mean, what happens physically?

Maggie: Well... umm... tear ducts operate on a normal basis to lubricate and protect the eye and when you have an emotion they overact and create tears.

Seth: Why? Why do they overact?

Maggie: [pause] I don't know.

Seth: Maybe... maybe emotion becomes so intense your body just can't contain it. Your mind and your feelings become too powerful, and your body weeps.

Maggie: Why do you wear the same clothes all the time? Why won't you give me your phone number? Are you married?

Seth: No.

Maggie: Are you homeless?

Seth: No.

Maggie: Are you a drummer?

Seth: Let's go somewhere.

Maggie: Where?

Seth: I don't care.

Maggie: What do you wanna do?

Seth: Anything.

Maggie: Are you a visitor?

Seth: Yes.

Maggie: Well, visiting hours have been over since 8.

Seth: Wh-Why do they have that?

Maggie: What?

Seth: Hours. Doesn't it help the patient to be visited?

Maggie: Well, who are you visiting? Mr. Messinger?

Seth: Right now?

Maggie: Yeah.

Seth: You.

Maggie: No dying now, Mr. Messinger. Not until you give me Seth's phone number.

Maggie: What happened?

Seth: Free will.

Maggie: Something happened in my OR. And, I got this-this jolt - I got this feeling that there's something... bigger is out there. There's something bigger than me and bigger than you, and it- Does that sound crazy?

Danny: You still have it.

Maggie: What?

Danny: My soul, for what it's worth.

[last lines]

Policeman at Checkpoint: Where are you going?

Maggie: We're going home.

Maggie: [Liam burned down Danny's gym] What the hell did you think you were doing?

Liam: I saw you. I saw you with him.

[Glares at his mother]

Liam: You're going to run away with him, aren't you?

Maggie: [Sits down next to him] No. I'm gonna stay right here with you.

Liam: I don't want to see him ever again.

[Gets up and leaves]

Maggie: [to Joe, her father] My marriage was over before Liam was even born... I'm the prisoner here. You and your politics have made sure of that!

Maggie: I do have a mind of my own, Danny. I know very well I might be losing it, but I do have a mind of my own.

Danny: We can't keep doing what we're doing, you know.

Maggie: What are we doing?

Maggie: That was a warning shot they fired at you.

Danny: I'll leave if you ask me to.

Maggie: If *I* ask you?

Maggie: Who took your power away from you? Who made you feel so powerless you've become obsessed with control? With thinking everything through instead of feeling anything.

Maggie: The ones who will not only survive but will thrive... are the ones who realize that there's nothing to be afraid of.

Christine: Maggie? Are you dying?

Maggie: Yeah. So are you. So is PJ. Joanne's dying. Peter's dying. Lorna's dying. Every life is a death. And most deaths are suicides.

Maggie: It has to cost something to be worth something.

[last lines]

Richie: [quickly answering the phone almost before it rings] Hello?

Maggie: Look, why don't you come over for dinner on Friday. Around 7:00? We'll talk. But if your late, or you disappoint Sophia, I'm gonna kill you, okay?

Richie: Okay.

Maggie: Okay.

Maggie: It wasn't your fault.

"Bull" McCabe: Wasn't it my mouth the words came out of?

Maggie: Bull! Look at yourself! Look at yourself will you!

"Bull" McCabe: No... No... Curse myself. For cursing my mother to hell. To get the field.

Maria: Who waters the lawn here?

Maggie: There are sprinklers on timers.

Maria: So nobody sees it, because they're all on timers and everybody's dead.

[last lines]

Maggie: I'm tired, honey.

Maggie: [crying] She made him do... horrible things.

Kate Walker: [putting vacuum away] Okay, Mama. It's me. Done. I've got to get to work.

Maggie: Why don't you stay and have some lunch?

Kate Walker: I can't. I've got to go. Um, not to pry or anything, but why is there a large smoked ham under the stairs?

Maggie: Oh, that. Yes. It's um... The neighbor gave it to me.

Kate Walker: The Polish neighbor?

[her mother nods]

Kate Walker: So, probably not a mass murderer.

Maggie: Probably not.

[Kate chuckles]

Kate Walker: [answers phone] Hello, Mum.

Maggie: What are you wearing?

Kate Walker: Purple dungarees.

Maggie: Oh, you're not.

Kate Walker: No, not really. I'm wearing a miniskirt and a boob tube. They're totally back in.

Maggie: Oh, you're just being silly.

[Kate laughs]

Alex Hughes: [of the autistic Linda] She's not *mad*.

Maggie: Oh, I know. Vivienne explained it all to me. High-functioning; can talk a glass eye to sleep; but can't tie her shoelaces.

Alex Hughes: Mrs Summer said you can drink this water.

Maggie: Yeah, it's supposed to have healing properties. Why don't you take a sip?

Alex Hughes: [stammers briefly] Don't think so.

Maggie: What? You don't wanna be healed? Set free of your demons?

Alex Hughes: They keep me company.

Alex Hughes: So someone said you can drink this water.

Maggie: Yeah, it's supposed to have healing properties. Why don't you take a sip?

Alex Hughes: I don't think so.

Maggie: What, you don't want to be healed? Set free of your demons?

Alex Hughes: They keep me company.

Maggie: [to Alex] I really like you, and I hate having sex on a full stomach, so can we just skip the main course and move next door?

Maggie: [offering to the tea-deprived Alex] Assam. Darjeeling.

Alex Hughes: [gratefully, choosing] There is a God!

Maggie: Nope, there is FedEx! An English friend of mine sent it over. Don't go inventing a deity to thank for the small miracles. They just happen.

Amerigo: What is it you want from me?

Maggie: I want a happiness without a hole in it! I want the bowl without the crack!

Charlie Rogers: I never thought I'd be running off with the circus.

Maggie: Let's get one thing straight. This is not a circus. This is a carnival. There's a big difference.

Charlie Rogers: I guess you're right. I guess a circus has elephants.

Maggie: What do you do when you're not riding your bike?

Kim: [talking about Joel and Chris looking for Steve] They should be okay, right? I mean, they took the guns and everything.

Maggie: God is the only thing that can stop what's out there, Kim.

Tracy: [walks over to the drawer and pulls out a large kitchen knife] Just in case God doesn't show.

Jim Batten: Do you want a drag?

Maggie: No thanks. I haven't smoked since college.

Jim Batten: Hmmm... Yeah, well ah, I may not measure up to those college guys that your use to, but they don't measure up to mine. If you catch my drift.

Maggie: Listen, why don't you just drift off somewhere and molest someone your own age. I've had a long day.

Jim Batten: Yeah, Well ah... That's not all that's long!

Maggie: Look you may be tough but I don't rob the cradle. I'm old enough to be your sister.

Jim Batten: Oh, I like that. I've always wanted to make it with my older sister!

Maggie: Well, I suppose I should go hunt them down one by one and kill them - God, this is getting so boring!

Waiter: Good evening. Would anybody like a drink before you have dinner?

Alice: Yeah, how about a...!

Maggie: How about three more bottles of your best red wine this one's almost gone!

Alice: Maggie, I don't like red wine!

Maggie: Who said anything about YOU I ordered for myself!

Diane: Maggie, when did you start drinking?

Maggie: Look, just bring one bottle of everything and we'll sort it out later!

Waiter: Certainly. Would that be all?

Maggie: YES...!

Maggie: You hoo... People it's me. I'm coming to get you so get really really scared!

Rocco: Aww... What a nice sweater. Thanks, Alice.

Maggie: Who brought this?

Alice: I did. It's Rocco's present.

Maggie: Oh, SHIT! I forgot to get the birthday boy a present.

Diane: I'm gonna kick your fucking ass bitch!

Maggie: Come on chicken, right now, come on!

Diane: You're a slut, man!

Maggie: Fuck this. I should have been a movie star.

Rafkin: There are ghosts in the basement!

Maggie: This basement?

Rafkin: Of course this basement! What is it with you people? If it was the basement next door I wouldn't give a shit, would I?

[last lines]

Maggie: This is it for me. I am on the first fuckin' plane back to Newark. Uh-uh. I am sorry, family, Kathy, Bobby, uncle, ghosts. I am sick of this nanny shit. I've had it. This was not in the job description. I quit!

Rafkin: Oh. Oh, boy.

Maggie: What?

Rafkin: Uh, that's the symbol of the Jackal.

Maggie: What's the Jackal?

Rafkin: The Jackal is the Charlie Manson of ghosts. And if the Jackal's out, screw the kid! We gotta get out of this basement!

Rafkin: [notices several of the ectoplasmic doors are open] What the hell? Give me those!

[takes Maggie's glasses]

Rafkin: Let me see. Why are these open? I was down here before. They weren't open.

[the Hammer spikes the ectoplasmic wall frame with his hammer]

Rafkin: Oh, God! I hate it when they do that!

Maggie: Do what?

Rafkin: They wait for your to stick your face right up against the glass! And then give you a big, fat "boo"!

Maggie: Can I rely on you not to get me killed?

Rafkin: I guarantee nothing.

Maggie: [the Angry Princess walks towards Maggie with a butcher knife] Where? I can't see shit without the glasses, idiot!

Rafkin: ...Well, I can see. And I think you should go this way! Go, go, go, go, go!

Maggie: Is that half the lawyer?

Kalina: Here, take this.

[hands sizzling explosive to her]

Maggie: Oooh, god, he definitely looked better.

Maggie: Family, just so we're all clear, Ms. Maggie does *not* do windows.

Maggie: [in background talking to herself] Stuck in here, bunch of crazy white people...

Jessica: I'm gonna deal with you later!

Maggie: You might wanna deal with that hair first, because it looks like shit.

Mrs. Crenshaw: [points shotgun at Jessica] Talk.

Cassidy: Okay, listen, it was an accident and we'll explain everything later but right now, Clair is dead, Mickey's dead, Chugs is dead, and we don't know if Megan's alive or not.

Maggie: Wait, so Megan's not dead?

Jessica: We don't know! We need to get the hell out of here.

Mrs. Crenshaw: Who else is here?

Jessica: Kyle.

Mrs. Crenshaw: Is he in on this thing?

Jessica: [unconvincingly] No.

Mrs. Crenshaw: [cocks gun, points it back to her] Lie to me again.

Jessica: Okay, I told Kyle about Megan.

Cassidy: Of course you did! What's with this ''sisters for life'' crap, huh? Was I the only one that didn't tell anybody?

Mrs. Crenshaw: Where is Kyle?

Maggie: Don't look at me! He left as soon as he heard you coming.

Mrs. Crenshaw: Well, he, she or it is about to get two rounds to the face. You girls wait in Jessica's room. And call the police.

Jessica: Well, who knew Mrs. Crenshaw was such a badass?

Maggie: [to Kelly] Your house killed my dog.

Edmund Bigelow: We met at church.

Maggie: That was a joke that I made up on the spot, remember? It's like our lives started that night. And before that, you were just a whore, and I was a bad man. And our lives now are just an illusion.

[Last Lines]

Maggie: Race you to the bottom!

Nathan: I like my women agressive, and my men passive. What do you think that means?

Maggie: It means you're deluded.

Nathan: I don't want people from high school knowing about me.

Maggie: Why? Who cares?

Nathan: Because it makes them feel superior. On top of that, they get this self-satisfying look on their face like they knew all along. It pisses me off.

Maggie: I can flirt with who I want.

Nathan: You're my date.

Maggie: I am not your date.

Nathan: Well I consider you my date. If you don't want to play by the rules you can just fuck off. You're a prop and your replaceable.

[angry and offended, Maggie delibrately spills wine onto Nathan's lap]

Maggie: I hope your pants are replaceable.

Carla: Exactly how long has this affair with you and Nathan been going on?

Maggie: Six months now.

Carla: You know, some people might consider that a little slutty.

Maggie: You know, I probably think the same thing. But...

Carla: But what?

Maggie: Well it's actually just really innocent, and child-like, and kadnistic all at the same time.

Carla: How does he explain the whole gay thing?

Maggie: Nathan's one of those 70-30 gays.

Carla: Bisexualty is just one stop on the road to 'Gayville'.

Maggie: When you sleep with a guy on a first date, you're TELLING him you're NOT interested in a relationship.

Maggie: Now, let me get this straight. You've got a... what did you call it?

Dr. Daniel: An android.

Maggie: Right. That's, uh, like a robot, right?

Dr. Daniel: That's correct.

Maggie: And you want to hook me up to this robot and stimulate me.

Dr. Daniel: Yes.

Maggie: Stimulate like sex, right?

Dr. Daniel: Yes.

Maggie: Brother, you take the prize. That's the weirdest line for getting into my pants that I've ever heard, and I've heard 'em all. I mean, lunch was good, but it wasn't that good.

[after being shocked by eavesdropping on Dr. Daniel and hearing that the "Cassandra Project" is being shut down, Max is shocked again when he is unexpectedly contacted by an approaching spaceship]

Maggie: Mayday, Mayday! This is SERP Neptune 425946. Do you read me? This is SERP Neptune 425946. Do you read me? Over!

Max 404: [in wonder] That's a woman's voice!

Maggie: Mayday! We have a Mayday! This is SERP Neptune 425946. Do you read me? Over!

Max 404: [transmitting] This is, uh, UL-C53 Station to SERP Neptune, I- I- I read you. What is your Mayday? Over.

Maggie: We have sustained engine damage. Request permission to dock for repairs. Over.

Max 404: [stunned] Dock?

Maggie: Do you read, UL-C53? Request permission to dock. Imperative! Over!

[Max is indecisive over whether to disturb Dr. Daniel]

Max 404: [transmitting] UL-C53 to SERP Neptune: Permission granted! Direct to pad coordinates Manx Terra Odin Godfrey Two. Do you read me? Over.

[Max waits anxiously for a response]

Max 404: [transmitting] Do you read coordinates? Over!

Maggie: Yes, yes, I read you. Acknowledge for approaching Manx Terra Odin Godfrey Two. Do you read? Over.

Max 404: [transmitting] Yes, correct! This is fantastic!

Maggie: [to herself] "Fantastic"?

[after a fight against the authorities who wanted them dead, Maggie, Mendes, and Keller are all alive, but furious at each other]

Mendes: Where the hell did *you* go?

Keller: Back off, Mendes. I took my man out!

Mendes: Yeah, and left me with two more!

Maggie: [backing up Keller, and lying, because she was the one who killed the guy] Yeah, and he also took out the squid on the floor!

[Keller and Maggie exchange looks]

Mendes: [lets go of Keller, but still sneering] Big hero.

Maggie: The show's over!

Maggie: [indicating forward view scanner] Take a look at this.

Mendes: What is that?

[UL-C53 Station is displayed]

Maggie: First stop. Better think up an alias, Mendes. Let's lose the bodies.

Keller: Right.

[Keller runs off the bridge to dispose of the police whom they've killed]

Maggie: How long have you been up here, Max?

Max 404: Five years, seven months...

Maggie: You need a change.

[puts her hands around his shoulders]

Max 404: Yes! That's why I've gotta go with you!

Maggie: You don't wanna hook up with us.

Max 404: Why not?

Maggie: Well, because we may not even make it back to Earth.

Max 404: I'll take that chance.

Maggie: Well, that's not the point!

[Her tone gentles]

Maggie: I like you. I don't want you caught up in the same mess that I'm in. Mendes and Keller would eat you alive.

Max 404: They haven't eaten you.

Maggie: Well, I can handle them and you can't.

Max 404: Maggie...

Maggie: Look, I know how to get around them.

Max 404: I know.

Maggie: It's not a game, Max!

Max 404: Maggie! This is my only chance. I'm to be phased out as soon as Cassandra's on her feet. Doctor'll probably turn me into a sprinkler-head for the greenhouse.

Maggie: You *have* been up here too long.

[moves in to kiss him]

Mendes: What the hell you doin'? Close the goddamned door!

Mendes: Relax Mendes, we got them all.

Mendes: There's *five* of them, you moron; we only got four.

Maggie: Mendes! There's one behind you!

[Mendes whirls around and aims at... a body on the floor]

Maggie: [calmly] Meet Captain Popov.

Maggie: Falling in love is like being hit with a bullet. You don't know it's happened until you're dead.

Maggie: Love is the only form of death you can recover from.

Jones: Pretty expensive place.

Maggie: Everything is expensive here - except life.