J.D. Quotes in The Day After Tomorrow (2004)

J.D.: [showing the other students the museum] I couldn't let you guys leave New York without seeing the Natural History Museum.

Sam Hall: [under his breath] Of course not, it's the world's finest collection of stuffed animals.

Laura Chapman: She left her bag in the cab. Her passports. I'll get it for her.

Sam Hall: Laura! Laura!

Brian Parks: Sam!

J.D.: No! Brian, no!

Sam Hall: Laura! Laura, look! Come on! Come! Come on!

J.D.: [Dumps bags of chips and candy onto a table] We're not going to last very long on M&Ms and potato chips.

Luther: What about the garbage cans? There's always something to eat in the garbage!

J.D.: Sam, just tell her how you feel.

Sam Hall: Yeah.

[Rain and J.D. have just fought off a zombie]

J.D.: I shot her five times. How was she still standing?

Rain: Bitch isn't standing now.

Spence: [J.D. enters a code to open a secured door] You got it?

J.D.: See how easy that was?

Kaplan: [the door opens only to find a room extremely full of the undead flesh-eating zombies] Shit!

Rain: [yells] J.D., no! Grab my hand and hold it real tight!

J.D.: Don't let me go!

J.D.: [the zombies pulls J.D. back; Rain lets him go] RAIN! FUCK! NO!

[zombies chomping and devouring; J.D. screaming]

Wayne: Okay, our enemy is wicked, so...

J.D.: Dude, she's Freddy Krueger.

Wayne: Damien.

J.D.: Dude, she's Vader.

Wayne: No! She is the Emperor!

J.D.: Yeah, but with really great tits!

Wayne: Okay, now Sandy, that girl? She's a nice girl.

J.D.: Ah, yeah.

Wayne: She's a sweetheart.

J.D.: Dude, a saint.

Wayne: A goddess.

J.D.: A princess.

Wayne: 'Know what? She's kinda like Mother Teresa.

J.D.: Yeah, but with way better tits.

Wayne: Dude!

J.D.: Dude!

Wayne: Why didn't you answer the door?

J.D.: I'm eatin'.

Wayne: So?

J.D.: I don't answer the door when I'm eatin'.

Wayne: Since when?

J.D.: Since always.

Wayne: I never knew that.

J.D.: Well you didn't know a lot of things. You didn't know I was gay.

Wayne: Is there anything else you wanna tell me?

J.D.: I got three balls.

Wayne: Shut up! God!

J.D.: Dude. Dude. Dude!

J.D.: Dude, if you get the nachos stuck together, that's one nacho.

J.D.: COME ON AH YEEEEEEEH-HA!

[Judith has torched Darren's Neil Diamond albums]

J.D.: She torched Neil? You're right. She is a monster.

[Wayne and J.D. are discussing what's happened to Darren]

Wayne: She didn't like the way his ass looked, so she made him get butt cheek implants.

J.D.: I thought his ass looked tighter!

Judith: Have you ever had a girlfriend?

J.D.: Yes... No!

Judith: Have you ever fantasized about having sex with a man?

J.D.: Which man?

Judith: Any man!

J.D.: You mean like a tall man?

Judith: Sure, whatever!

J.D.: 'Cause I don't like tall people, they bother me!

Judith: What about a short man?

J.D.: How short? Some times people can be too short, that's weird like midgets!

Judith: Have you ever fantasized about having sex with any man, any man at all?

J.D.: Does that include celebrities?

Coach Norton: By the way, did you boys take care of that bitch that was gonna marry Silverman?

Wayne: Uh, yeah. Yeah, we snuffed that broad just like ya said.

Coach Norton: Good. How'd ya do it?

Wayne: We, um...

J.D.: Ate her...

Coach Norton: You ate her?

Wayne: Yeah, we ate her.

J.D.: Alive.

Coach Norton: My hat goes off to you. You boys are smart; that's the perfect crime.

J.D.: Do you want a drink?

Judith: Scotch on the rocks.

J.D.: No problem. You want ice with that?

J.D.: [bringing a box of videos to Judith] Hey, I brought you some more videos. You've got your choice: porno's or monster trucks. Oh, and I got one that's both.

J.D.: Fuck you, replacement-friends!

Wayne: Eat this, Fake Wayne!

Coach Norton: When are you going to get hitched there, son?

J.D.: Actually I'm not, I'm GAY.

Coach Norton: Oh... me too!

J.D.: Dude, what does a mime look like when he's having sex anyway? Probably like,

[making obscene gestures with his hands]

J.D.: 'I'm a mime! I'm a mime!' Ha ha ha!

Wayne: Dude, mimes don't talk.

J.D.: They do when they're off duty.

J.D.: Hey Sandy! It's me, JD, I went to high school with you, remember?

Sandy: Um, no I don't think I recall...

J.D.: Yeah, c'mon. Remember? I went to prom with a tux painted on my naked body?

Sandy: Um...

J.D.: Yeah! And then I spilled punch on myself and everyone could see my dong?

Sandy: No, JD, I really...

J.D.: Oh yeah! We had chemistry together and I tried to light a fart with the Bunsen burner and I ended up singeing my balls... still can't grow hair on my left nut. Sucks.

Wayne: So, Coach, how's your parole coming?

Coach Norton: Not good. The victim's whiny family keeps complaining

J.D.: God! What is their PROBLEM?

J.D.: Neil! I wanna party with you! I WANNA PARTY WITH YOU!

J.D.: She used her super-intellect on me! She's like Hanibal Lecter.

Wayne: You're not gay... you're just confused.

J.D.: Yes, I am gay. Oh HEY! Do you wanna be gay with me?

Wayne: NO!

J.D.: Maybe she's a herm.

Darren: A what?

J.D.: Ya know, a herm. A little puss, little dick.

J.D.: You've been pinching loaves on the lawn? I play croquet out there!

Judith: I don't want your shitty old house or your dead grandmother.

Wayne: I'll throw J.D. in. He doesn't look like much but girls call him the human power tool.

J.D.: It's true!

[in the R-rated version]

Wayne: [in the R-rated version] I'll throw J.D. in. He doesn't look like much but he's hung like a horse

J.D.: It's true!

[Wayne shows Darren a time chart he made reflecting how Darren's relationship with Judith has affected their lives. He begins by pointing to a line reflecting their fun level, labeled 'F']

Wayne: Before Judith, our fun level was at an all time high. Ninety-three, it is now an eight.

[shows the fun levels large decline]

Wayne: [Points to line reflecting their band, labeled 'B']

Wayne: Band numbers have plunged dramatically as well.

[Points to line reflecting girls, labeled 'G'. The line remains extremely low throughout the chart]

Wayne: Girls... never very high at nine, but look now. TWO!

[Points to line representing their masturbation levels, labeled 'WO', the line very quickly rises so that it runs off the chart]

Wayne: This has obviously lead to increased whacking off!

J.D.: I'm chafing.

J.D.: Judy, awesome to meet you.

Judith: Jud-*ith*.

J.D.: Judith. And a beer bong for the lady?

J.D.: Isn't one-and-only supposed to be, like, one? And only?

J.D.: Judith escaped.

Wayne: ...Dehrrrrrrrr.

J.D.: What happened?

Judith: [Karate yell] Wah!

Coach Norton: What is it that I always said?

J.D., Wayne: If you can dream it, you can do it.

Coach Norton: Exactly! You have the dream. All you need to do is turn it into reality.

Coach Norton: So when are you getting hitched?

J.D.: Actually, I'm not. I'm gay.

Coach Norton: Me too.

Thelma: You're a real live outlaw, aren't ya?

J.D.: Well, I may be an outlaw, darlin', but, uh, you're the one stealin' my heart.

J.D.: Well, now, I've always believed that done properly, armed robbery doesn't have to be a totally unpleasant experience.

J.D.: So, tell me something, Miss Thelma. How is it you ain't got any kids? I mean, God gives you something special, I think you oughta pass it on.

Thelma: Well, Darryl, that's my husband...

J.D.: Darryl?

Thelma: Yeah. He says he's not ready yet. He says he's still too much of a kid himself. He kinda prides himself on being infantile.

Louise: He's got a lot to be proud of.

Thelma: Louise and him don't get along.

Louise: That's putting it mildly.

Thelma: She thinks he's a pig.

Louise: I know he's a pig.

J.D.: I'm the great and powerful Oz. Who do you want to be?

Harold: Back off cockboy, what I said him goes double for you.

J.D.: Cockboy, you just call me cockboy?

Harold: Yeah, you know I did. You're just stalling cuz you're not quick enough to think of a comeback.

J.D.: You think I'm not quick enough. Guy thinks I'm not quick enough. Well I got news for you. I am quick enough!... Cockboy!

[first lines]

J.D.: Billy boy! Get your ass ready. It's almost 5:00 and this bad boy needs to get his drink on. No, no, no. Give me that.

Billy Carver: Don't.

J.D.: I'm gonna burn it once and for all.

Billy Carver: Stop it.

Montoya Santana: I hear Little Puppet's name is on a piece of paper, ese.

J.D.: I want you to cosign it.

Montoya Santana: I'm taking it off, ese.

J.D.: That punk got you kicked back in the hole, set us all back. Now he's running around talking loud shit about how he wants out of La Eme. His number's up, homes.

Montoya Santana: I said I'm taking it off, ese.

J.D.: What's gonna happen is gonna happen. Don't try to stop it. You understand me? I'm asking you, carnal.

Montoya Santana: Is that where it's gotten to, ese?

J.D.: Brothers are talking about you.

Montoya Santana: What are they saying, ese?

J.D.: They're saying that you're not showing them anything.

Montoya Santana: You know, a long time ago, two best homeboys, two kids, were thrown into juvie. They were scared, and they thought they had to do something to prove themselves. And they did what they had to do. They thought they were doing it to gain respect for their people, to show the world that no one could take their class from them. No one had to take it from us, ese. Whatever we had... we gave it away. Take care of yourself, carnal.

Montoya Santana: Little Puppet!

Little Puppet: Orale!

Montoya Santana: Orale! How are you doing?

Little Puppet: Great.

Montoya Santana: It's good, ese. Called you for a little task, all right?

Little Puppet: Simon.

Montoya Santana: Now you'll do El Chucko. Want you to handle it for us, all right?

Puppet: I'll take care of it, ese.

Montoya Santana: Was I talking to you, ese?

Puppet: Santana, let me do it. Mi carnalito... that's not his thing. I mean he's no punk or nothing but...

J.D.: He's not talking to you, Puppet.

Montoya Santana: There's something I want you to understand, Little Puppet. What happened to Pie Face I didn't like it, but it was necessary, especially right now. Take a look over there, ese. El Chucko and La Nuestra Familia is making their play to get some respect, ese. La Eme took a long time earning the respect in this place. And if we wanna keep it we gotta show some class.

J.D.: We appreciate you've taken a time to talk to us.

Don Antonio Scagnelli: What can I do for you?

J.D.: It's gonna be some changes in the way business is done in East L.A. From now on our people are gonna be responsible for the East L.A. exchange. All deliveries between Mexico and exchange are gonna be done through us, all collections are gonna be done by us.

Don Antonio Scagnelli: Is that what you came here for? To tell me my business?

J.D.: From now on your business in the barrio is gonna be our business too.

Montoya Santana: [Approaches to Don Scagnelli] Let me explain something. For you, for us, for anybody who does business, things happen. And you or your family, your friend can end up doing time. Someone on the line would have to deal with that fact. Now you run the distribution on the outside, we run on the inside. Our offer is this we guarantee your people no problems in the inside.

Don Antonio Scagnelli: You listen to me. I don't know who you think you are, but if anything and I mean anything happens to my son's stay, uncomfortable with over the years, you'll regret the day when you make that choice.

J.D.: If we show weakness now, homes, everybody's gonna see it not just the mayates and wops as La Nuestra Familia as well. They're just waiting to make their fucking move. This way we can do it clean. Do what Scagnelli did, form them shoot out.

Montoya Santana: To who?

J.D.: Aryan Brotherhood. They hate the mayates, mayates hate them and don't be a fucking thing. The AB gives the blacks message then we won't have to risk anything.

Montoya Santana: We're spending all over time dealing with the Italians and now the Black Gorilla Family, ese, instead of getting our people out and keeping them out.

J.D.: You know what,if we don't fight for this shit now,we're gonna lose it all now, homes.

Dornan: What I'd like to do now is to interview each of you individually. Who wants to go first?

Montoya Santana: Corky.

Dornan: Corky.

Puppet: Santana, how was the bus ride home?

Montoya Santana: Sunshine felt good.

Puppet: This is my brother, ese. They call him, Little Puppet. He's a genious, homes.

Mundo: Hey, don't get carried away.

Puppet: He does the placas in East L.A. Check it out.

[Shows a tatoo with naked babe]

Mundo: Nice tits.

Puppet: He's coming to Big Folsom. I want him with us.

J.D.: Can he take care of himself?

Puppet: He don't know no nothing, but I'll be responsible for him.

J.D.: You know what you do.

Montoya Santana: How are you doing on tecato, ese?

Little Puppet: I'm clean now, ese.

Montoya Santana: Thank you for helping to get this little meeting together, all right?

Little Puppet: Yeah, I'll do anything for my carnal.

Montoya Santana: When you come up, if you need anything just let us know. Running any problems, we'll take care of it, all right.

Little Puppet: Gracias.

Puppet: Carnalito.

Montoya Santana: Orale, Sparky, how are we doing in Vacaville?

Sparky: Slow, homes, we're trying to get it together, but we've got a little problem there. Some from the Familia want to take on them after they're starting their own clika. They're called La Nuestra Familia.

Montoya Santana: It's been a long time trying to get it together, dealing with whites and mayates only to be dealing with our own.

Huero: Orale, carnal, these aren't our own people, ese. They're nothing but a bunch of lame farmers from the North.

Montoya Santana: They're chicanos.

J.D.: It's too late for that now, homes. They're too big in Vacaville to make a move on. Now they're making a play and shit in Folsom. They gotta pay a bill, ese.

Montoya Santana: Who's carrying all the way for them?

J.D.: Dude named El Chucko Pena.

Pie Face: I know that vato. I know him real well.

Montoya Santana: Good, you get this take him.

Pie Face: I say, carnal, me and him shared the same coka many times, ese.

Montoya Santana: That's gonna make easier to get next to him, ese.

Pie Face: He used to be my crime partner. I mean that vato is a real man.

J.D.: Hey what the fuck is wrong with you, ese?

Montoya Santana: [to J.D] It's cool.

[Narrating]

Montoya Santana: Pie Face had left me only one choice - just a strength of a gesture. A thought with no voice.

Montoya Santana: What we'd done in Compton was wrong. It was supposed to be business, but came out racial. We wanted to send a message to BGF about staying away from our business. And we sent a bunch of fucking cowboys in other people's home turf, talkin trash and shooting some guy in the dick.

J.D.: I don't know what's wrong with you. I don' know if it is that woman or what? But you're starting to show weakness and we both know that you can't do that.

J.D.: Greetings and salutations... you a Heather?

Veronica Sawyer: No, I'm a Veronica... Sawyer.

J.D.: Chaos is what killed the dinosaurs, darling

Kurt's Dad: My son's a homosexual, and I love him. I love my dead gay son.

J.D.: Wonder how he'd react if his son had a limp wrist with a pulse.

J.D.: People will look at the ashes of Westerburg and say, "Now there's a school that self-destructed, not because society didn't care, but because the school was society." Now that's deep.

J.D.: The extreme always seems to make an impression.

J.D.: Football season is over, Veronica. Kurt and Ram had nothing left to offer the school except date rapes and AIDS jokes.

Veronica Sawyer: This may seem like a really stupid question...

J.D.: There *are* no stupid questions.

Veronica Sawyer: You inherit 5 million dollars the same day aliens land on the earth and say they're going to blow it up in 2 days. What do you do?

J.D.: That's the stupidest question I've ever heard.

J.D.: I like it. It's got that what-a-cruel-world-let's-toss-ourselves-in-the-abyss type ambience.

Veronica Sawyer: I just killed my best friend.

J.D.: And your worst enemy.

Veronica Sawyer: Same difference.

J.D.: The only place different social types can genuinely get along with each other is in heaven.

J.D.: I can't believe you did it. I was teasing. I loved you. Course, I was coming up here to kill ya...

Ram Sweeney: [after watching J.D. flirt with Veronica] Let's kick his ass!

Kurt Kelly: Shit, Ram - we're seniors, man. We're too old for that kind of crap. Let's give 'im a good scare, though.

[They walk to where J.D. is sitting]

Ram Sweeney: [Sticking his fingers into J.D.'s lunch] You gonna eat this?

Kurt Kelly: What did your boyfriend say when you told 'im you were movin' to Sherwood, Ohio?

Ram Sweeney: Answer him, dick!

Kurt Kelly: Hey Ram, doesn't this cafeteria have a "No Fags Allowed" rule?

J.D.: Well they, uh, seem to have an open door policy for assholes though, don't they?

Kurt Kelly: What did you say, dickhead?

J.D.: [He sighs, stands, and pulls out a gun] I'll repeat myself.

[He shoots Kurt and Ram]

J.D.: Our love is God, let's go get a Slushie.

J.D.: Is your life perfect?

Veronica Sawyer: I'm on my way to a party at Remington University... No, my life's not perfect. I don't really like my friends.

J.D.: I... I don't really like your friends either.

Veronica Sawyer: Well, it's just like - they're people I work with, and our job is being popular and shit.

J.D.: Maybe it's time to take a vacation.

J.D.: Let's pretend I blew up the school... all the schools. Now that you're dead, what are you gonna do with your life?

J.D.: Well, ah... Let's take a look at some of the homosexual artifacts I dug up to plant at the scene.

[He picks up a shopping bag and pulls items out of it]

J.D.: All right. Got an issue of "Stud Puppy."

Veronica Sawyer: Great!

[She laughs]

J.D.: Candy dish. Joan Crawford postcard. Let's see, some mascara. All right. And here's the one perfecto thing I picked up. Mineral water.

Veronica Sawyer: Oh, come on, a lot of people drink mineral water, it's come a long way.

J.D.: Yeah, but this is Ohio. I mean, if you don't have a brewski in your hand you might as well be wearing a dress.

Veronica Sawyer: Oh, you're so smart.

Veronica Sawyer: That knife is filthy.

J.D.: What do you think I'm going to do with it, take out her tonsils?

Veronica Sawyer: Excuse me, I think I know Heather a little bit better than you do. If she were going to slit her wrists, the knife would be spotless.

J.D.: Your society nods its head at any horror the American teenager can think to bring upon itself.

J.D.: I knew that loose was too noose... uh... noose too loose...

J.D.: [underlining words in Moby Dick] Es-ki-mo...

J.D.: Wanna go out tonight? Catch a movie? Miniature golf?

Veronica Sawyer: I was thinking more along the lines of slitting Heather Duke's wrists open, making it look like suicide.

J.D.: Ah, now you're talking. I can be up for that. I've already started underlining meaningful passages in her copy of Moby Dick, if you know what I mean.

J.D.: Seven schools in seven states and the only thing different is my locker combination.

J.D.: [lying on the ground with Veronica under his jacket] Mmm. I thank you. That was my first game of strip croquet.

J.D.: [shows Heather pictures]

Heather Duke: Me and Martha Dumptruck? Where did you get this?

J.D.: I just had the nicest little chat with Ms. Dumptruck. Got along famously. It's kind of scary that everyone's got a little story to tell. You wanna see the canoeing shots?

Heather Duke: What is this? Blackmail?

Heather Duke: [pause]

Heather Duke: I'll give you a week's lunch money.

J.D.: I don't want your money. I want your strength. Westerburg does not need mushy togetherness. It needs a strong leader. Heather Chandler was that leader but...

Heather Duke: But she couldn't handle it.

J.D.: I think you can. Moby Dick is dunked. The white whale drank some bad plankton and splashed through a coffee table and now it's your turn to take the helm.

Heather Duke: What about the photographs?

J.D.: Oh, don't worry. I'll ask you to do me a favor. That will be one you'll enjoy. Then you'll get the negatives and everything back then. But in the meantime... strength. Here's a little gift. From Heather to Heather.

J.D.: [gives her Heather Chandler's red hair bow]

Veronica Sawyer: If you think I'm doing another suicide note you're wrong!

J.D.: You don't get it do you? Society nods its head at any horror the American teenager can think upon itself. Nobody is going to care about exact handwriting.

J.D.: I'm a no-rust-build-up man, myself.

J.D.: [after killing Heather] What are we gonna tell the cops? "Fuck it if she can't take a joke, Sarge".

Veronica Sawyer: The cops? This is my life. Oh, my God. I'll have to send my S.A.T. scores to San Quentin instead of Stanford.

J.D.: Um... to me, though, suicide is the natural answer to the myriad of problems life has given me.

Veronica Sawyer: That's good but Heather would never use the word myriad.

J.D.: This is the last thing she'll ever write; she'll want to use as many 50-cent words as possible.

Veronica Sawyer: She missed myriad on the vocab test two weeks ago.

J.D.: That only proves my point more. The word is a badge for her failures at school.

J.D.: Hey hungry black folks! Who wants some non-profit, Gangsta Grub?

J.D.: Every delicious piece of beef, helps keep a bullet off the street!

J.D.: [after Eddie makes fun of her] Draya don't worry 'bout that, I got some "Don't Be So Mean Greens" in there for you too.

Draya: [walking away] Thank you, boo-boo.

J.D.: You lock yo' door?

Billy: Yeah, man; I ain't stupid!

J.D.: [Billy's sister walks into the room] Then why your sister in the room, man?

J.D.: Hey, don't drop the soap!

[Eric Von Zipper's motorcycle run away and crashes]

J.D.: You did it again, boss.

Eric Von Zipper: You stupid, fix it!

Eric Von Zipper: Look, nobody tells Eric Von Zipper nothin'!

J.D.: That's right, nobody tells Eric Von Zipper nothin'!

Prof. Robert O. Sutwell: Who are you?

J.D.: J.D.

Eric Von Zipper: That's short for "Juvenile Delinquent."

[Eric Von Zipper's motorcycle once again runs away and crashes]

J.D.: You did it again, boss.

Eric Von Zipper: You stupid, fix it!

J.D.: [to another rat pack member] Hey, stupid! Fix it!

J.D.: The lovely Nicole and her personal demons. I'm surprised there's enough room at the table for all of us.

J.D.: It's no fun unless it's a challenge, right?

J.D.: Ah, Harris, I will solve whatever sick, twisted crime scenario you come up with.

J.D.: [approaching dangling cat] Here, kitty, kitty.

J.D.: [sees hanging 'corpse'] Harris, you are one sick sonofabitch.

[first lines]

J.D.: How about I drive, huh?