Simon Quotes in The Day After Tomorrow (2004)

Simon: [their final lines in the movie] Gentlemen,

[toasting]

Simon: To England!

Terry Rapson: To mankind!

Dennis: To Manchester United!

Simon: I just wish I could have seen him grow up, you know.

Terry Rapson: The important thing is he will grow up.

Dennis: Amen!

Simon: What are the odds of two buoys failing?

Terry Rapson: Remote.

[another buoy seen on the computer screen fails]

Terry Rapson: Make that three.

Simon: Hello, professor. How was India?

Terry Rapson: Oh, you know what these scientific gatherings are. All dancing girls, wine and parties.

Simon: Is that Neville's handiwork?

Terry Rapson: Neville's way beyond stick figures. He's six already.

Harry: [holding Simon at the edge of an aquaduct] Son of a bitch, Did you think you can elude us forever, Carlos, huh?

Simon: Hey, you got the wrong guy! My name's Simon! Just let me go. There's no need to kill me. I haven't seen your...

[Harry and Gib remove their masks]

Simon: face. No, no, no I didn't see it, I didn't see it!

[realizes that it is Harry]

Simon: Oh, it's you! Hey, you still interested in that 'Vette at all?

Gib: Hey, Carlos? Game's over. Your career as an international terrorist is well documented.

Simon: No...

Gib: -Oh, yeah.

Simon: No...

Gib: Oh, yeah!

Simon: No!

Gib: OH, YEAH!

Simon: No, I sell cars! That's all! C'mon, I'm not a terrorist. I'm actually a complete coward, if I ever saw a gun, I'd...

Harry: [Harry takes his gun out and points it in Simon's face]

Simon: [Whining and pleading] Oh God, no, please don't kill me. I'm not a spy. I'm nothing. I'm navel lint! I have to lie to women to get laid, and I don't score much. I got a little dick, it's pathetic!

[Harry and Gib gave Simon a weird look, then Simon pees his pants]

Simon: Wha, uh, oh God. Would a spy pee himself, huh? Please, I'm not worth a bullet. Oh, mercy sir!

Harry: [Disgusted] Get the fuck out of here. Just go, just beat it.

Simon: No, no, as soon as I turn, you're gonna shoot me! You're gonna shoot me, you're gonna shoot me, you're gonna shoot me!

Gib: [Gib and Harry get into their van] Get lost, dipshit.

[fires a few rounds into the ground near Simon]

Simon: [hitting on a woman at the party] Here, let me pour you some more champaigne. I gotta keep up the waiter bit, these stakeouts can be a little tricky you know, you never know if things can explode to a life or death situation, just stay low and I'll contact you later. Maybe you should give me your tele...

Harry: [puts his hand in Simon] So, we meet again Carlos.

Helen Tasker: [puts her lipstick case under Simon's chin] Honey, I'm gonna do him right here.

Harry: [proudly] Go for it.

Simon: Oh god.

[pees in his pants]

Helen Tasker: Fear is not an option.

[Simon runs out of the party nervously screaming]

Simon: [in a Chinese restaurant] Did you read the papers yesterday?

Helen Tasker: [whispers] Yes.

Simon: Sometimes a story's a mask for a covert operation. See "Two men killed in a restroom and two unidentified men in a running shootout ending at the Marriot."

Helen Tasker: That was you.

Harry Tasker: [listening to their conversation with Gib]

Simon: You see...

Harry Tasker: [whispers to Gib] That was me.

Simon: You're very good. You recognize my style. You're a natural at this.

Gib: The guy's a fake, man. He's taking credit for our moves.

Helen Tasker: What happened?

Simon: Hardly worth talking about. Two of them won't bother me again.

Gib: Unbelievable!

Helen Tasker: You chased one?

Simon: Something came over me. I just had to nail this guy no matter what the risk. Pretty hairy. I thought he had me a couple of times. But I can't take credit.

Helen Tasker: Why not?

Simon: It's the training. It shapes you into a lethal instrument. You react in a microsecond without thinking.

Gib: [laughing] I'm startin' to like this guy.

[Harry gives him a mean look]

Gib: [gets serious] We still gotta kill him. That's a given. You know.

[Simon attempting to have sex with Helen on the couch in his trailer]

Helen Tasker: No, I can't. I can't!

[Simon still persuing]

Simon: If not for me, Helen, do it for your country!

Simon: [leaning on Simon's corvette, having lunch] Okay, just ask yourself: What do women really want? You take these bored housewives, married to the same guy for years, they're stuck in a rut, then need some release! Promise of adventure, a hint of danger. I create that for them.

Harry: So basically, your lying your ass off the whole time. See, I can't do that.

Simon: What are you, a boy scout? No, no, no, think of it as playing a role as fantasy. I mean, you got to work on their dreams. Get them out of their daily surburban grind for a few hours.

Harry: But what about their husbands?

Simon: Dickless! I mean, let's face it, if they took care of business, I'd be out of business! You know what I mean?

[laughs]

Harry: [fake laughs] Those idiots!

Harry: [referring to Helen] So who are you working on right now?

Simon: I always got a few on the line. But there's this one chick I got right now. I got her panting like a dog. Its great.

Harry: What does she do?

Simon: Some sort of legal secretary. Married to some boring jerk.

Harry: Married to some boring jerk.

Simon: Aww, but she could be so hot if she wanted to. She's like all these babes, you get their pilot lit, they could suck start a leafblower. And she's got the most incredible body too and a pair of titties that make you wanna stand up and beg for buttermilk. Ass like a ten year old boy! AHAHAHAHA!

Simon: [Harry punches him in the face instantly breaking Simon's neck and the daydream ends] AHAHAHAHAHA!

Simon: [trying to sell Harry a Corvette with Simon driving] You see, it's not just a car. It's a total image. An identity you have to go for. This isn't some high-tech sports car. Tell you the truth, it doesn't even handle that great. But that's not the idea, is it? What are we talking about here? Pussy, right?

Harry: [fake laughs] Absolutely.

Simon: Let's face it, Harry. The 'Vette gets 'em wet.

Simon: [after taken out of his trailer by Harry's government agents] Take her! Take her! Oh, god, don't hurt me!

The Emperor: For the space of three minutes, every molecule on this planet will be immobilized. But after the third minute, the green ray loses it's power. Time will flow once more and everything will explode.

Simon: Three minutes are enough, father.

Simon: Stella... Stella! And welcome home.

Simon: [over the phone with John and Zeus] Said Simple Simon to the pieman going to the fair, "Give me your pies... or I'll cave your head in."

Simon: [talking to police on speaker phone, in Walter's office] Well, is the ebony Samaritan there, now?

Zeus: You got a problem with ebony?

Simon: No, no. My only problem is that I went to some trouble preparing that game for McClane. You interfered with a well-laid plan.

Zeus: [picks up the phone] Yeah, well, you can stick your well-laid plan up your well-laid ass.

Zeus: [pointing a gun at Simon in the bridge of the freighter] Don't fuckin' move.

Simon: [turns around] Oh, the Samaritan.

Zeus: Gimme the goddamn code.

Simon: Code?

[realizing what Zeus is talking about]

Simon: Oh, you mean for the school. I'm sorry, I can't do that.

Zeus: You call in that code right now. Or I'll blow your sick ass into the next world.

Simon: If that's what you gotta do.

[Zeus pulls the trigger on his gun and nothing happens, Simon takes the gun from Zeus]

Simon: You forgot to take the safety catch off.

[shoots Zeus in the leg]

Zeus: Oh, God!

Simon: See, that works. Now, where's McClane?

Zeus: [tied with John to the liquid bomb on the freighter] What the hell's all this got to do with killing McClane?

Simon: Life has its little bonuses.

[Zeus rushes into the Wall Street subway station and gets held at gunpoint by a transit cop who saw him jump the turnstiles]

Zeus: [slowly] I have to answer that phone.

Transit cop: Get 'em up!

Zeus: Look, if you have to shoot me, then you go ahead and you shoot me! But I have to answer this phone, all right?

Zeus: [picks up the receiver] I'm here.

Simon: [on the other line] And McClane?

Zeus: He's on his way. Uh, you know, he's a little slow. He's kinda outta shape.

Simon: The rules applied to both of you. I'm afraid this is noncompliance. Goodbye.

[Simon hangs up]

Zeus: Trust me guys. Duck.

[He immediately takes cover, knowing what will happen. As the train enters the station, McClane tries to smash the door on the last car of the train to throw the bomb out onto the track to minimize the amount of damage. As he does that, the wheels on the firts car hit a trip wire on the left rail that is connected to a remote detonator. It activates the bomb as McClane is throwing it out the window, causing the rear car to slide across the island platform, knocking down signs and columns]

Simon: [over the phone in Walter's office] Simon says, McClane and the Samaritan will go to the subway station at 72nd and Broadway. I will call you in 15 minutes on the payphone outside the station. No Police. Failure to answer will constitute noncompliance. Do you understand me, John?

John McClane: Oh, yes, I understand. I understand that you're a fuckin' wacko who likes to play kids' games. That's what I understand.

Simon: Hardly.

John McClane: [imitating Simon, over the phone] Hahdly? Well, then, who are you? Somebody I sent up? What'd you do? Shoplifting? Purse-snatching?

[pauses and puts hand over the receiver]

John McClane: Cross-dressing? What?

Simon: You c-c-c-couldn't catch me if I stole your ch-ch-chair with you in it!

John McClane: My ch-ch-ch-chair with me in it? That's very exciting. Let me ask you a question, bonehead. Why are you trying to k-k-k-k-kill me?

Simon: [over the phone in Walter's office] s there a detective named McClane there?

Inspector Cobb: He's on suspension.

Simon: No, Walter, he's not. Not today.

Inspector Cobb: Who is this?

Simon: Call me Simon.

Inspector Cobb: What do you want?

Simon: I want to play a game.

Inspector Cobb: What kind of game?

Simon: "Simon Says". Simon's going to tell Lt. McClane what to do, and Lt. McClane is going to do it. Noncompliance will result in a penalty.

Inspector Cobb: What penalty?

Simon: Another big bang in a very public place.

Ivan: [on the phone in the lobby of the Federal Reserve Building, referring to John] He's here.

Simon: Perhaps you could be a little more specific.

John McClane: [referring to the dispatcher for the Coast Guard, he attempted to call] She told me to stay on the line.

[laughs]

Simon: [laughs] Oh, God, I love this country!

John McClane: You know, your brother was an asshole.

Simon: [pauses] Ha!

John McClane: You know, he really was an asshole.

Simon: He was. He was an asshole. You... you got his number.

Simon: [to John, after realizing the bomb in the school was fake] I'm a soldier, not a monster. Even though I sometimes work for monsters.

Simon: [to Katya, after she slit a security guard's throat and stabbed him in the stomach] I think he's dead my dear.

[Simon is in one of the dumptrucks driving gold through the unfinished aqueduct]

Simon: [on a phone] Rear guard, you can close up now.

[pauses, not getting an answer]

Simon: We've reached the dam, you can come up now.

[pauses again]

Simon: Nils? You can close in now. Nils?

John McClane: [on the guard's phone] Attention! Attention! Nils is dead! I repeat, Nils is dead, fuck-head. So's his pal, and those four guys from the East German All-Stars, your boys down at the bank? They're gonna be a little late.

Simon: [on the phone] John... in the back of the truck you're driving, there's 13 billon dollars worth in gold bullion. I wonder would a deal be out of the question?

John McClane: [on the phone] Yeah, I got a deal for you. Crawl out from that rock you're hiding under, and I'll drive this truck up your ass.

Simon: [on the phone] How colorful.

Simon: [addressing his troops and giving a toast] Yesterday we were an army with no country, tomorrow, we have to decide which country we want to buy!

Simon: [addressing his troops] And remember, this is all due to the g-g-g-g-g-g-gullibility of the New York Police Department!

Simon: [Simon, disguised as a City Engineer, surveying the damage caused by one of his bombs] Holy Toledo! Somebody had fun.

Simon: [Simon has just broken into the Federal Reserve] One hundred and forty billion dollars! Ten times what's in Kentucky. Fort Knox? Ha! It's for tourists.

[Simon's last line]

Simon: [panicking] Get out of here!

Simon: [over the phone with John and Walter listening] Money is shit to me. I would not give up McClane for all the gold in your Fort Knox.

Simon: [over the phone in Walter's office] Where are my pigeons now?

Inspector Cobb: Pigeons?

Simon: I had two pigeons, bright and gay, fly from me the other day. Why was it they did go? You cannot tell, you do not know.

Inspector Cobb: You mean McClane?

Simon: No, I mean Santa Claus.

[Simon and Targo have just learned that McClane killed two of their henchmen at the aqueduct]

Mathias Targo: I told you not to toy with him!

Simon: Thank you, that's very helpful.

[For the first time, Kable is speaking with Simon, his controller in the game]

Kable: What are you, twelve?

Simon: I'm seventeen, thank you.

Kable: This is unbelievable! Why am I not dead yet?

Simon: Because I am a bad-ass motherfucker.

Kable: Kid's gonna get me killed.

Simon: Dude, I'm right here man. I can hear you.

Kable: Listen to me. I don't know who's behind it or why, but I was supposed to die tonight. Lucky for us, I can beat them, but not with you controlling me.

Simon: What the hell are you talking about?

Kable: Turn me loose, kid. You want to win? Turn me loose!

Agent Keith: You know, Simon, you're being held here today suspected in aiding in the escape of a convicted murderer from a maximum-security penitentiary. The charges are beyond serious. Your hard drives have been seized. Forensics is decrypting the contents as we speak. Your internet activity over the last ten years is being scrutinized and catalogued in minute, vivid detail. In addition, your father's bank accounts have been frozen, pending further investigation. After all, it was essentially his money that funded Mr. Tillman's escape. Now I need you to tell me *everything* that happened leading up to yesterday afternoon. Everybody you talked to, everything you saw, everything you did. And I need you to tell me that right now.

Simon: Yeah, um... I'm going to need something, too.

Agent Keith: Oh, really? And what might that be?

Simon: Could you guys do a sandwich? Like peanut butter, almond butter, walnut butter, pecan butter, pistachio butter... um, pretty much any kind of, you know, nut butter? With some grape jelly?

[pause]

Agent Keith: Pistachio butter... They make that?

Simon: It's awesome.

Simon: [flipping through options on his computer] Gay... gay... gay... retardedly gay...

Simon: Gibs.

Kable: What?

Simon: Like giblets. Kibbles 'n Bits. Chunks. Pieces. Everywhere.

Kable: These are real humans fucker!

Simon: Death row psychos, so what? They had it coming anyway, right?

Kable: I guess that goes for me too.

Simon: Yeah, but you're different.

Kable: Different. How?

Simon: I don't know, because you're *my* psycho.

Simon: I just play games, man. Games.

Humanz Brother: That's right. It is a game. You want to win it, don't you?

Simon: Yeah, I intend to.

Humanz Brother: Well then you need to cut your strings, puppet master. Imagine a Slayer who don't got to wait to be told what to do. No ping, ya dig?

Simon: What's the matter with you, Kable? Kill something!

Simon: This is unbelievable. Kable, listen. This is the last game. You're gonna end up dead, and I'm going to look like a total asshole if you don't pull your balls together man!

Simon: [upon seeing Kable vomit in gas tank] Aw, what the hell? That's just gross, bro.

Simon: Do you have many attacks on people?

Kate Ryan: Tourists, occassionally.

Simon: Fucking Americans!

Simon: Do you believe that you are a part of God's plan?

Thomas Daggett: That's a complicated question.

Simon: No it isn't.

Simon: Oh, Gabriel. When was it that you lost your grace?

[first lines]

Simon: I remember the First War, the way the sky burned, the faces of angels destroyed. I saw a third of Heaven's legion banished and the creation of Hell. I stood with my brothers and watched Lucifer Fall. But now my brothers are not brothers, and we have come here where we are mortal to steal the Dark Soul, not yet Lucifer's, to serve our cause. I have always obeyed, but I never thought the War would happen again.

Simon: I'm so tired of this war.

Gabriel: Reject the lie Simon. Join us! Help us make it like it was before the monkeys. You remember? We cast out Lucifer's army, you and I. We threw their rebel thrones from the wall.

Simon: They wanted to be gods.

Gabriel: I don't wanna be a god Simon. I just wanna make it like it was, before the lie. When he loved us best.

Simon: [Last lines] Kor?

[Simon hugs Kor, then they clasp hands]

Kor: Rule well, Simon. Be a good king. Go on, go on back, Simon! Get some, they're waiting for ya!

[King Simon & his friends wave to cheering crowds. Kor walks off into the distance as the end credits roll]

[Simon prepares to pick the lock on the door of a Russian government building, only to find it unlocked]

Simon: I love this country.

Simon: Tell me you love me.

Emma: I love you.

Simon: Simon.

Emma: I love you Simon.

Simon: Miracle three.

Emma: [reading Simon's journal aloud] "I see my angel for the first time. Know my purpose, feel my birth, Hear, at first faintly, then distinctly The sweet strains of our union. Our love heats up the cold universe And gives my tired, desperate hope A reason and season to be revealed."

Simon: "We, purified by our kisses, are eternally healed."

Emma: I'm glad it stopped bleeding. You don't need stitches. We have to disinfect it though.

Simon: You really are an angel.

Emma: Mmm hmm.

[soaking cotton ball in rubbing alcohol and approaching the cut with it]

Emma: It's gonna hurt.

Simon: AHH!

[surprising Emma, laughing]

Simon: Ha ha...! sorry...

[serious, realizing it wasn't funny]

Simon: I'm sorry... Are you alright?

Emma: Yeah...

Simon: I-I should go.

Emma: No... take off your pants.

Simon: [beat] Pardon?

Emma: [embarassed] I mean your sweater. There's blood on it. I'll wash it.

Simon: Very domestic. There's blood on your blouse as well. I'll wash it.

[unbuttons her blouse, revealing her hidden cold fusion notes. He tries to remove them, but she doesn't let him]

Simon: Do you have any wine?

Simon: I've never felt like this before.

Emma Russell: What do you mean?

Simon: I'm freezing.

Simon: So you know the way to the embassy?

Frankie: [eyeing Simon's watch] Like the face of a Bvlgary Chronograph.

[Simon removes his watch and hands it to Frankie]

Frankie: I remember! This way...

Emma Russell: When am I going to see you again?

Simon: I'll find you, you found me.

Simon: [Rudy and Simon just freed Greg from the knocked-over porta-potty as he runs around covered in feces]

[In the verge of laughter]

Simon: Dude, what the fuck happened to you?

Greg: I was in there and then frickn'- the banging, an the frickn' thing fell over and I was stuck inside!

Simon: You're in deep shit, huh?

Simon: What're we going to do? We don't have weapons or food. We don't have shit!

Capt. Victor Kirk: Actually, we do.

Capt. Victor Kirk: Where ya headin', girls? Huh?

Simon: It's, uh, somewhere in the San Juans. You must know where that is, right Skipper?

Salish: [looks at map] You crazy?

[to Kirk]

Salish: They crazy!

Capt. Victor Kirk: No, I don't think so.

Simon: Excuse me?

Capt. Victor Kirk: I said forget it.

Salish: Yeah, forget it! Forget it! That means stop talkin' and start walkin'!

Simon: Why?

Salish: Why? Why? Why? They always ask why!

Capt. Victor Kirk: You know what they call this island? 'Isla del Muerte'

Salish: Muerte. That's Spanish for 'death.' In case you don't speak Mexican.

Simon: Listen, pal. I got an island to catch and if this is a lame attempt to hit me up for more cash...

Capt. Victor Kirk: No, it ain't!

Salish: There ain't enough cash in the world to make us go back there. Nah, keep the cash! Keep the cash!

Rudy: [as Hugh is playing footage from the zombie attack at the rave] Everyone was partying... you know, drinking, just having fun. Then, these things came and attacked the Rave. Those of us that could get away... did. We ran... we finally got to the boat but it wasn't there. These things just kept coming and coming and killing. We finally got to this house and... tried to hide and that's when you guys came. We thought you were more of them.

Simon: "Them"? Who the hell is "them"?

Rudy: Who? Try "What".

Simon: Simon says lets get the hell out of here and let the cops ask questions later while we're kicking it back in Seattle selling our story to the Enquire.

[Squadron Leader Skipper and Simon are doing training in Spitfires. Skipper has just ordered Simon to engage him in a dogfight, but Simon has lost sight of him and is blinded by the sun. Suddenly Skipper bursts towards him from the sun]

Squadron Leader Skipper: [imitating a machine gun] DAKA-DAKA-DAKA-DAKA-DAKA-DAKA-DAKA-DAKA-DAKA!

[flies past Simon]

Simon: Hello Rabbit Leader - thought you might come in from the sun!

Squadron Leader Skipper: DON'T THINK! Don't just glance! LOOK! Search for the bastards! OK, let's try it again.

[after berating Simon, a young pilot]

Squadron Leader Skipper: How many hours in Spits?

Simon: Ten and a half, sir.

Squadron Leader Skipper: Let's make it *eleven*, before *Jerry* has you for *breakfast!*

Pilot Officer Archie: Spring chicken to shitehawk in one easy lesson.

[at low volume, almost whispering, after Simon and Skipper leave the building for their aircraft]

Pilot Officer Archie: daka!-daka!-daka!-daka!-daka!-daka!-daka!-daka!

Simon: Well, if we hand him over to the police it'll take at least six months for DNA tests to be completed. Ultimately there'd be a trial, and your wife, assuming she didn't drop the charges, would be dragged through this nightmare over and over. She'd be in court, she'd be questioned by lawyers. Even if the D.A. gets a conviction, which is not guaranteed, a rapist can serve as little as eleven months, which is half the time you get for tax evasion.

Alan: He died of a coronary complication.

Simon: I was a complication, or didn't you get to that part yet?

Simon: Let's do this.

Fletcher: No, no. Not now there's somebody up there. This has to be clean. No mess.

Simon: Clean, dirty. It's all the same to me.

Ashton: Guess what we're going to blow up first!

Simon: Your ego?

Ashton: No, but nice try, sailor! The Eiffel Tower!

Simon: Why?

Ashton: Because it's big and it's beautiful and I'm tired of looking at it!

Simon: A potato?

Nick Miranda: Yeah!

Simon: You gagged her with a POTATO?

Nick Miranda: I tried grapes but she kept eating them!

[as Nea charges at him with a spear]

Simon: Where do you plan to stick that thing?

Simon: Oh no! Am I on fire now? Yeah... great.

Simon: I like to wake up with pussy fingers.

Moses: I'll not leave a man to die in the mud.

Simon: Thank you, my son... but death is better than bondage, for my days are ended and my prayer unanswered.

Moses: What prayer, old man?

Simon: That before death closed my eyes, I might behold the deliverer who will lead all men to freedom.

Moses: What deliverer could break the power of Pharaoh?

Egyptian guard: You!

Piggy: You and your blood, Jack Merridew! You and your hunting! We might've gone home!

Jack: We needed meat.

Piggy: You didn't not to have let the fire go out!

[Jack slaps Piggy across the face making Piggy's glasses fall off]

Piggy: My specs!

Simon: [picks them up] Here. Here they are.

[Piggy puts them on but realizes one of the lenses have cracked and missing pieces]

Piggy: [vengefully] JUST YOU WAIT!

Piggy: [as the boys are talking about the beast] I don't believe in no ghosts, ever.

Jack: Who cares what YOU believe, Fatty!

[the boys laugh]

Simon: [looking disturbed] Maybe there IS a beast.

[the boys laugh again]

Ralph: Hear him! He's got the conch.

Simon: What I mean is... maybe, it's only us.

Piggy: Nuts!

Eleanor: I think I sprained my ankle!

Zoe: Ooh, you know what. You should put some ice on that.

[everyone looks at her]

Zoe: Oh no, guys I don't have any ice. I live there in that tree. I just thought that maybe you did, though.

Simon: No, we don't have any ice. Just like we don't have any shelter.

Zoe: Wow, that's a major bummer for you. Do you guys like bungee jumping?

Dave: Simon?

Simon: I wasn't betting. Honest!

Casino Guy: Your winnings, sir.

Zoe: Yeah! Wasn't that awesome?

Simon: No, it was not awesome! It's a miracle we got here safely. In fact, the odds of a chipmunk getting hurt on a zip line are one out of six.

Eleanor: [falling] Aaaaaah!

Benjamin: We are journalists! We can't do this. It is unethical... and insane.

Simon: It would be a pleasure to personally catch him.

Benjamin: By ourselves. By ourselves. We don't even have any weapons.

Simon: If I gave you a gun, would you know how to use it?

Benjamin: No.

Simon: Then what the fuck are you complaining about?

Duck: I told you. The moment you start drinking that Bosnian brandy, the devil's sitting in the corner, just laughing.

Simon: ...putting your life in danger is actual living - the rest is television.

Benjamin: [after the waiter's warning] What the fuck was that about?

Simon: A warning.

Benjamin: Yeah? It seemed more like a threat.

Simon: Yeah, beware of the nosy waiter with Serbian pride.

Duck: Well, actually, it was the first time that I thought that maybe Simon wasn't jerking our chain.

Benjamin: Yeah? Why's that?

Duck: Because the guy in there said that he's not in Celibici, which means maybe he actually *is* in Celebici.

Benjamin: Right. Unless he's really *not* in Celibici.

Duck: Well, that's a possibility, too.

Benjamin: [after being shot at by the waiter] We're gonna die. Every single person down here knows exactly what we're doing.

Simon: Keep your panties dry, Benjamin. It had nothing to do with the Fox.

Benjamin: What the hell do you mean? It's just a little local tradition to shoot at every customer?

Duck: [Simon pulls out some money] Wait a minute. Is that my money? You mean the money I left on the table, that's mine? Simon!

Simon: Times are tight. Things happen. Sue me.

Benjamin: Wait, wait, wait. You stole the money that was left for the bill?

Simon: I needed it more.

Benjamin: Okay, you got us shot at for twenty bucks!

Simon: I didn't know he was gonna *shoot* at us.

Duck: You know, when you think about it, the whole thing is fucking ridiculous.

Simon: Why? I could very well be CIA.

Duck: You can't even spell CIA.

Simon: Every fucking CIA guy I know looks exactly like *me*.

Duck: Yeah, only better-looking.

Benjamin: Well, they certainly do not look like me.

Simon: And that is the genius of it! Of course, the CIA would have someone who doesn't *look* CIA! That's exactly what they would do.

CIA Operative: Let me tell you something, Mr. Cunt...

Simon: Hunt.

CIA Operative: Mr. *Hunt*. You're lucky I haven't already arrested your sorry ass and thrown you in a dark fucking hole with no fucking exits.

CIA Operative: If I ever hear from you again, the CIA will be on you like a cheap suit from the Men's Wearhouse. You'll be arrested, jailed, and sodomized by a big, dumb, large-cocked Serbian bastard for the rest of your shitty little lives. And if you don't care about that, if you *like* big Serbian cock and you still plan on reporting any of this, then your friend Boris will find himself eaten by a tiger or a lion or a squirrel of whatever fucking animal we can find in darkest Africa. And you'll have to live with *that*.

Simon: I assume that I can quote you on the squirrel remark.

Simon: Laugh at all their jokes. Whatever you do, don't stare at the midget

Simon: He's expecting NATO troops, not two jerks in a car.

Duck: Have you thought about the bodyguards that he travels with, Simon?

Simon: Yeah, word is he's got twenty armed guards with him at all times.

Duck: Yeah, well I heard it's *fifty*.

Simon: Fifty?

Duck: Fifty.

Simon: Maybe. Actually, some people believe he has none.

Duck: *Stupid* people.

CIA Operative: Let me ask you a question. why would you think the CIA would want to let a war criminal go?

Simon: Let me ask you a question. In five years, why has the CIA, the Hague, the United Nations and NATO not been able to find a guy that we found in just two days, if you actually wanted to find him?

Roadhouse Waiter: In the war I kill people like you.

Simon: The war is over.

Simon: Look, this is a news event. We are news men. We want off the copter, now. You ever heard of freedom of the press?

UN Soldier: Not in Bosnia sir, no.

CIA Operative: The CIA has a bright side, the CIA has a dark side. And then there's the gray side. We do the things that people don't need to know about. It's a part we deny even exists. It's a part of the CIA that's been working for the last 3 weeks in Bosnia on the Fox.

Simon: And what have you been working on doing? Making him disappear?

CIA Operative: Let me ask you a question. Why do you think the CIA would want to let a war criminal go, huh?

Simon: Let me ask *you* a question. In 5 years, why has the CIA, the Hague, the United Nations, and NATO, not been able to find a guy that we found in just 2 days? If you actually wanted to find him.

The Fox: They are more afraid of me than I am of them. You do not have the balls to kill me. And you do not have the balls to take my money. And you do not have the balls to see what the international community will do, or not do to me. You have nothing.

Simon: That's why we've got to change the rules.

[last lines]

Duck: Simon, you the only man I know who will borrow money to repay a debt that you took to repay a debt.

Simon: And that's why you love me.

Duck: That's why I love ya.

Jake: [Jake drives up in his car] Beep Beep. You going home?

[he lights a cigarette]

Kyle: Dickhead friend ripped us off. Tell him to give us our booze back.

Jake: Simon, give these children their alcoholic beverages back.

Simon: Catch, boys.

[Simon throws the beer over the car, it hits the gravel and shatters]

Jake: I did my part. Listen, tell daddy I'm not gonna be home for dinner cause uh, he's on the rag. 'Kay?

Kyle: Yeah well, I'm not going home either.

Jake: Whatever. That's a good idea.

[Jake puts his fist out for Kyle to fist-bump him, to which Kyle responds]

Jake: Let's motor.

Kyle: Simon, over here!

Eric: Kyle, what's he-?

Kyle: Simon, you got it right?

[referring to the beer]

Simon: Yes, thank you.

Eric: Oh, big surprise. He's taking it from...

Kyle: Oh, c'mon don't be an asshole, just give us our booze!

Simon: [scoffs] What are you gonna do about it huh? You gonna fight me for it? Huh? You wanna come and get it, I'll give it to you huh? Come and get it!

[Simon pushes Kyle]

Simon: C'mon!

[Talking to Brad]

Simon: What about you? What are you gonna do about it?

Brad: [Mutters to Kyle and Eric] Let's go.

Mom - live-action sequences: Simon?

Simon: [mouth full of cookies] Yeah, mom?

Mom - live-action sequences: Don't you touch the cookies.

Simon: [mouth fuull still] Don't worry mom, I won't.

[upon coming home to his house being a mess]

David Seville: Oh my god, Theodore, did you just-?

Theodore: [nervously] Umm, Umm.

Simon: [picks up a small pellet shaped this in front of Theodore] It's a raisin, Dave.

David Seville: Prove it.

Simon: [puts it in his mouth] Mmm-Mmm.

David Seville: Okay, you got me. Look, I wanna talk to all you guys. Where's Alvin?

David Seville: [heads off toward the kitchen] Alvin!

Simon: [quickly spits it out and looks sternly at Theodore] You owe me big-time!

Theodore: Guys, I wanna go home.

Simon: What do you mean? You are home.

Theodore: No. I mean home home, with Dave.

Alvin: But Theodore, wake up and smell the toffee. Dave doesn't even want us. He doesn't even care to come to our show.

David Seville: Chipmunks can't talk either.

Simon: Well, our lips are moving and words are coming out.

David Seville: This is not happening. I'm not talking to chipmunks, I'm not talking to chipmunks.

Alvin: So, how's that going for you, Dave?

David Seville: Uhh - uhh, how'd you know my name?

Alvin: Oh, that one? We read your mail by accident.

Simon: You really oughta pay that utility bill, Dave. Ever heard of a credit rating?

Theodore: [turns on the food processor] What's this thing?

David Seville: Hey, hey... hey, hey, turn that off!

Alvin: [turns off the food processor] Sorry.

Simon: [rubs Theodore's head] He fell out of the tree at birth.

David Seville: C-Can all animals talk?

Simon: Well, fish do have this type of sign language.

Alvin: Hey Dave, do all humans have houses that smell like sweatsocks?

Alvin: [singing while squirting soap out of the soap dispenser] Dave likes to wear, dirty underwear, with little hairs...

Simon: We're getting off on the wrong foot. Allow us to introduce ourselves. Hello, I'm Simon, the smart one. He's Alvin...

Alvin: The awesomest one...

Theodore: And I'm Theodore.

David Seville: Oh, that's nice to meet you. Now get out of my house.

Theodore: But... we talk.

David Seville: Which only makes me want you out of my house that much more. It's creepy, unnatural, somewhat evil.

Alvin: I kind of liked him better when he was unconscious.

David Seville: [places a mixing bowl over the chipmunks] Gotcha!

Alvin: Hey!

David Seville: Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!

David Seville: H-How did you guys...?

Simon: We're talking chipmunks, Dave. We can get out of a cat carrier. Not even hard to do.

Alvin: Last one to the door is road kill!

Simon: I'm in!

[Alvin and Simon make a break for the door]

Theodore: [distracted by a Christmas ornament] Hmm... What are these shiny things?

Simon: [goes back to Theodore] Theodore, we're leaving now!

David Seville: [picks up a stack of toster waffles from the under the kitchen rug]

Simon: We put a few toaster waffles aside for winter

Alvin: And we're not sharing!

David Seville: Guys, we're gonna have food all winter so if you start storing it, it's gonna get gross and we're gonna have rodent -...

Simon, Theodore, Alvin: [looks at Dave]

David Seville: Bad you know... non-talking rodents around here

David Seville: Alright, here's the deal; you guys sing my songs, you get to sleep here.

Alvin: [thinks about it] No. Wait! Is breakfast included?

David Seville: [thinks about it] I can live with that.

Simon: What about TV privileges?

David Seville: [thinks about it] Okay, but not after seven.

Theodore: Eight.

David Seville: Done. Don't tell you're animal friends, cause I don't wanna come home and find a bunch of rabbits and skunks on my couch.

Simon: Filthy creatures, Dave. Never associate with them.

Theodore: Yeah, you're our only friend.

David Seville: No, no, no, no, let's not get ahead of ourselves here. Let's just start with me being your songwriter.

Alvin: Um, let me ask you, have you ever written a song before?

David Seville: Yup.

Alvin: And... is that your music stuff outside?

David Seville: Yup.

[thunder claps reminding Dave that his songwriting equipment is soaked in the rain]

David Seville: Oh no!

Alvin: Hurry back.

[first lines]

Alvin (singing voice), Simon (singing voice), Theodore (singing voice): [a capella] Where is the moment we needed the most/You kick up the leaves and the magic is lost/They tell me your blue skies fade to gray/They tell me your passion's gone away/And I don't need no carryin' on/Cause you had a bad day/You're taking one down/You sing a sad song just to turn it around/You say you don't know/You tell me don't lie/You work at a smile and you go for a ride/You had a bad day/You've seen what you like/And how does it feel for one more time/You had a bad day/You had a bad day/

Alvin: [pushing the last of the acorns into the tree] It's going, It's going.

[gets sucked in and falls out with all of the acorns]

Simon: And it's gone.

Alvin: [from inside the tree] Whatever!

Theodore: Maybe we should take a break.

[an acorn hits him on the head]

Theodore: Ouch!

Alvin: That's it! I can't take this anymore! I can't! I give up! I'm sick of struggling for survival! Competing with gophers and earthworms, and that loser sparrow who always takes my nuts! And I'm especially sick of this stupid, stupid...*tree!*

[the sound of a buzzsaw is heard, and the tree shakes]

Simon: Whoa! What's happening?

Theodore: Guys! I think he made it angry!

[last lines]

Alvin: [tries to open a bottle of champange] Stupid cork! Doesn't - Whoa!

[Cork flies into a glass door cabinet breaking it along with some of the glasses in it]

Alvin: Yikes, Ha-ha! Oops!

David Seville: Not gonna say it.

Alvin: Uh-oh!

Simon: Good grief.

[Champagne spills all over the floor creating a large puddle]

Claire: Are you still not gonna say it?

David Seville: [tries very hard not to] Nope!

[Champagne puddle becomes a flood that hits a plug outlet, causing a blackout in Dave's house]

David Seville: I'm gonna say it. AAAAAALLLLLLVVVVVVIIIIIINNNNNN!

Alvin: OKAY!

Simon: [after knocking out Dave] Hmm. He's been out for quite a while.

Theodore: [gasps] You guys, he's dead!

Alvin: Don't panic! Wipe everything down! I'll need three garbage bags, a shovel, some disinfectant, some latex gloves, and oregano. Go!

Simon: Hang on, Sherlock. He's coming too.

David Seville: I must be hearing things.

[regains consciousness]

David Seville: Oh, this is trippy.

Theodore: Sir, are you alright?

Theodore: [munching on some cereal] This is the greatest day of my life!

Alvin: Eureka! I found the cheese balls!

[Alvin pours out the cheese balls and Simon catches them with a bowl]

Simon: Ughh! Alvin, what are you doing? Don't make a mess!

Alvin: Cannonball!

[jumps into the bowl of cheese balls]

David Seville: Uh, guys, what's this about?

[holds up one of his presentation boards in front of Simon and Theodore]

Simon: Obviously, Theodore's butt.

Theodore: We told you we colored.

David Seville: On my presentation boards? You got me fired.

Theodore: [Dave grabs the remote] We didn't know.

Theodore: [Dave turns off the TV] We're sorry, Dave.

David Seville: Oh, you're sorry? That's fantastic!

Theodore: But...

David Seville: Sorry doesn't get my job back now, does it, Theodore?

Alvin: [knocks on door] You should've kissed her, Dave. She really wanted you!

Simon: Alvin, you're not helping.

Alvin: Aw, don't give up, Dave.

David Seville: Go away! Leave me alone!

Theodore: Dave, would you like a cookie?

David Seville: I said leave me alone!

Theodore: How do you think it's going?

Alvin: Terrible! They're not even sniffing each other!

Simon: But Alvin, Dave said that...

Alvin: Dave needs a little help from the love doctor.

Theodore: And his assistant.

Simon: [pulls Theodore inside the room] Get back here.

[after being captured and placed into a cat carrier]

Alvin: You'll never take us alive!

Simon: They just did take us alive, Alvin.

Alvin: It's a figure of speech, Simon. Instead of criticizing me, why not use your big brain to think of a way out?

David Seville: What was that?

Simon: Um, nothing, nothing, just a little stage fright.

Theodore: I thought my heart was gonna explode.

Alvin: We're not performing monkeys, Dave. Why do we have to sing for that guy anyway?

David Seville: Well, how's this? Pretend I need the money and I hate my job and you're staying at my place so, you owe me.

Theodore: We're sorry, Dave.

David Seville: Yeah, that helps.

David Seville: [heavy sigh] Never mind, I'm late for work.

Theodore: Ooh, ooh, can we go with you?

David Seville: What, so you can mess that up too? Uh-uh. You're going home.

Alvin: Can I stand on your lap and steer?

Theodore: Oh, can I at least beep the... horn?

[Dave looks at the chipmunks]

Theodore: Never mind.

Theodore: Who's Claire?

Simon: Claire is Dave's mate. Ooh-la-la.

David Seville: She's not my mate. She's my ex-mate.

David Seville: [frantically tries to clean the house] This is great.

Simon: Dave, slow down. You just go get the food. We'll take care of the rest, all right?

David Seville: Oh, why am I having a hard time believing you?

Alvin: That hurts, Dave. That really hurts.

Simon: Yeah, we're all in this together, Dave.

Theodore: Like a family.

David Seville: No, not like a family!

Alvin: Tick-tock, Dave. Better bust-a-move!

David Seville: Right.

[Theodore giggles and Dave points at him]

Alvin: Is it me, or was he a little mad?

Simon: Hmm... I wonder... is Dave mad? Yes!

Theodore: He really did have garlic breath.

Simon: Yeah, well played, guys.

Alvin: Idea, ding-ding-ding-ding! Who has cab fare?

Simon: Cab fare? We don't even have pockets.

Alvin (singing voice), Simon (singing voice), Theodore (singing voice): [a capella] Only you can make this world seem right / Only you can make the darkness bright

[Dave opens window]

Alvin: Uh, were we disturbing you?

David Seville: Y-you guys can sing too?

Alvin: That's not singing, this is singing.

Alvin (singing voice), Simon (singing voice), Theodore (singing voice): [sing Funkytown]

David Seville: This is amazing. Here, everyone inside.

[the three chipmunks jump onto the trash can one by one]

Simon: [almost slips] Whoopsie.

[Dave helps Simon up]

Simon: Thank you.

Alvin: [Theodore crashed a RC car] Why didn't the airbags deploy?

Simon: Theodore, don't go into the light!

Theodore: Huh? Phew! Let's do it again!

David Seville: It's hard, I know, three months ago you were wandering around in a tree somewhere and, now you're...

Alvin: [sucks air from a balloon and speaks in a low voice] major rockstars!

David Seville: Okay, whatever. Well, my point is, just because you're...

Alvin: [low voice] major rockstars!

David Seville: [releases balloon from Alvin's hand and sits down again] ... doesn't mean that you can have or do whatever you want!

Simon: Well, Uncle Ian said that we should always be happy.

David Seville: Okay, you know what? He's not your uncle!

[pulls the balloons down from the ceiling fan]

Alvin: He also, David, said that we should be making 20 dollars a day.

David Seville: Well, guess what? You're making way more than that. And because I care, I'm putting it all away for you, just like storing nuts for the winter.

Alvin: Ah, winter's for losers!

Simon: Yeah. And shouldn't we be having our say on how to build our investment portfolio?

David Seville: Where is all this coming from? You guys are just kids.

Alvin: Kids, Dave... or rats?

David Seville: What?

Theodore: Well, Uncle Ian said that we're like his family.

David Seville: Oh yeah? Well, if you love Uncle Ian so much and don't think I'm watching out for you, why don't you go live with Uncle Ian?

Theodore: Simon, does this make my butt look smaller?

Simon: Theodore, your butt looks fine. Those guys are just jerks.

Theodore: [Introducing himself to girls] Hi, I'm Theodore. Hi, I'm Theodore. Hi, I'm Theodore.

Simon: [Covering Theodore's mouth and muffling words] Yes, he's Theodore, in case you missed it, and I'm Simon.

Toby: What was school like for me? Uh, in a word: awesome. But, you know, that's 'cause I was like extremely popular.

Simon: Is that why you still live with your grandma?

Alvin: And refer to yourself as "The Tobester?"

Theodore: And go

[imitating video game]

Theodore: pyu pyu pyu all day?

Alvin: I'm not going anywhere without Da-...

[singing]

Alvin: ... -aydream believer and a homecoming queen.

Doctor: I hope for your sake he stays asleep for the entire flight.

Simon: Maybe we should give him another shot just to be sure.

Simon: Au contraire, mon frere. I'm just going to elegantly show you how its done.

Alvin: Do you know what Dave would say if he were here right now?

Simon, Theodore: [screaming] Alvin!

Alvin: Not bad, but I think it needs to come more from the belly.

Abogada Victoria: What the judge won't take into account is the violence that you are using with your wife...

Simón: WHAT VIOLENCE?

April: Pack of American Eagles, blue, please.

Simon: 4.25.

Will Hayes: 4.25? You pay four dollars and twenty-five cents for a pack of cigarettes?

April: They don't put as many chemicals in them.

Will Hayes: So those are healthy cigarettes.

April: Something like that.

Will Hayes: So, if there's not as many chemicals in them they should cost less, not more, don't you think?

April: They put saltpeter in your cigarettes, which make them burn faster, which make you smoke more. Which means, at the end of the day, your cigarettes actually cost more, not less.

Angus: The way I look at it, the world couldn't survive without my comedy, and who's going to have the moral backbone to play the Seekers when the mood is right?

Dave: They've split up.

Angus: I intend to celebrate the back catalogue.

Dave: I intend to stop you doing so.

Mark: [silently stands up and lights a cigarette]

Simon: As some of you know, my wife left me after 17 hours of marriage, but I survived that because I live for music. And now, with nothing else to live for, I'm willing to die for it as well.

'On-The-Hour' John: I've always lived for news and weather. Happy to die for them, too. Especially the weather.

Bob Silver 'the Dawn Treader': I've got nowhere else to go.

Harold: I have somewhere else to go, but it's Peckham. So I think I'll stick around.

Felicity: Can't let everyone starve. And I'm slightly worried where my increasingly powerful sexuality will take me when I return to normal life.

Thick Kevin: I've got a very strong suspicion that Felicity fancies me. Not about to go anywhere, just when I'm in with a chance.

'Young' Carl: Obviously, I'm in. You're the only people in the world who like me.

Simon: Remember folks, "It ain't simple bein' cool, but it's cool bein' simple."

Simon: I believe the technical term is a *fuckload* of boats!

Dave: Walk this way.

Simon: Don't walk that way!

'Young' Carl: I'm just gonna...

Simon: Walk woodpecker way.

Quentin: Gentlemen, I have some good news and some bad news. Which would you prefer?

Thick Kevin: Good news.

Quentin: Okay. The good news is the engine has exploded and we're all going to die.

Dave: Hello, Dr Dave, Radio Rock. How is that good news?

Quentin: I haven't yet told you how we're going to die. That's the bad news.

Simon: How are we gonna die?

Quentin: We're going to drown in the freezing waters of the North Sea.

Felicity: Dearie me.

Quentin: There is a huge hole in the side of the boat and in an unfortunate development, it transpires that the lifeboats are useless.

Thick Kevin: [to Angus] Actually, that's quite good for you, isn't it? 'Cause you can't swim, so you'll die quicker.

Quentin: Sorry.

Simon: I think we're actually going to die.

Thick Kevin: Why?

Simon: I'll explain later.

Simon: [to his bride, Elenore] Wow. You look like a unicorn... in a negligee.

Simon: You know what marriage is like? Imagine a prison, and they don't change anything.

Martha: Simon.

Simon: [from behind the locked bathroom door] Simon.

Martha: Simon!

Simon: Simon.

Martha: Si!

Simon: ...Mon.

Simon: [unravelling a roll of toilet paper] Go, go! Join the others!

Simon: [hallucinating] Was there a dog in here just now?

Simon: Why are my hands so big?

Simon: [the coffin starts moving] I knew it!

Simon: I don't know how to be myself. It's like I'm permanently outside myself. Like, like you could push your hands straight through me if you wanted to. And I can see the type of man I want to be versus the type of man I actually am and I know that I'm doing it but I'm incapable of what needs to be done. I'm like Pinocchio, a wooden boy. Not a real boy. And it kills me.

Simon: I have all these things that I want to say to her, like... Like how I can tell she's a lonely person, even if other people can't. Cause I know what it feels like to be lost and lonely and invisible.

James: You can't be doing anything gay. No ice-cream cones.

Simon: I like ice cream.

James: Of course. It's delicious. Ice cream is fine in a cup, but in a cone is gay unless you're with a woman at the time.

Simon: Anything else?

James: No riding on a motorcycle with another man. Exceptions are drive-by shootings, bomb throwings and purse snatchings. Anything else is gay.

Simon: You seem to know a lot about this.

James: Defense wins championships.

Workers' Services Executive: You don't exist anymore.

Simon: Excuse me?

Workers' Services Executive: You're no longer in the system.

Simon: Well, just put me back in the system.

Workers' Services Executive: I can't put you back in the system.

Simon: Why?

Workers' Services Executive: Because you don't exist. I can't put someone who doesn't exist in the system.

Simon: But I used to be in the system.

Workers' Services Executive: Not according to the system. In fact, according to the system, you've never existed.

Simon: How reliable is the system?

Workers' Services Executive: Hey, it's completely reliable.

Simon: Yes, but I used to exist. I do exist! I'm standing in the this room, aren't I?

Workers' Services Executive: And?

Simon: So how do I get back in the system?

Workers' Services Executive: You need a card.

Simon: Right. So can I please get a new card?

Workers' Services Executive: No.

Simon: Why?

Workers' Services Executive: Because you're not in the system.

Simon: It's terrible to be alone too much.

The Colonel: There aren't too many like you. Are there, Simon?

Simon: I'd like to think I'm pretty unique.

Simon: I don't want to be a boy held up by string.

Simon: I've been thinking.

Joe: Yeah?

Simon: Last year we were in the squirt league, and this year we're in the pewee.

Joe: So?

Simon: So what do they want us to do, play baseball or urinate? Anyway, I was just thinking.

Simon: Your mother is so sexy, sometimes I forget she's someone's mother.

Joe: What if I said the same thing about your mother?

Simon: I'd have you committed.

Simon: What I want to do and what I do are two separate things. If we all went around doing what we wanted all the time, there'd be chaos.

Simon: You're already a bastard. Might as well be an enlightened one.

Simon: Boobs!

Simon: I said, what does coffee and donuts have to do with God?

Rev. Russell: They're merely refreshments so people can socialize and talk about up coming events.

Simon: Who ever said church needs a continental breakfast?

Simon: She's so sexy that sometimes I forget she's someone's mother.

Joe: Well, what if I said the same thing about your mother?

Simon: I'd have you committed.

Simon: If God's made the church bake sale a priority, we're in a lot of trouble.

Rev. Russell: What are you doing sitting in a corner Simon?

Simon: Thinking about God.

Rev. Russell: In a corner?

Simon: Faith is not in a floor plan.

Joe: My balls just turned to prunes!

Simon: My balls just turned to raisins!

Simon: It's the *Virgin* Mary, Eddie. What does Joseph have to do with anything?

Simon: I don't see how pork chops could lead to intercourse, no matter how good they are.

Simon: I'm a miracle you know.

Joe: Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Simon: Ahh! It's a horse!

Simon: I don't think God's plan includes breaking and entering.

Simon: I look like a burn victim.

Simon: Now get over there with the other flying monkeys, where you belong.

Simon: Gentlemen, I'd like you to meet your captain, Captain Oveur.

Clarence Oveur: Gentlemen, welcome aboard.

Simon: Captain, your navigator, Mr. Unger, and your first officer, Mr. Dunn.

Clarence Oveur: Unger.

Unger: Oveur.

Dunn: Oveur.

Clarence Oveur: Dunn. Gentlemen, let's get to work.

Simon: Unger, didn't you serve under Oveur in the Air Force?

Unger: Not directly. Technically, Dunn was under Oveur and I was under Dunn.

Dunn: Yep.

Simon: So, Dunn, you were under Oveur and over Unger.

Unger: Yep.

Clarence Oveur: That's right. Dunn was over Unger and I was over Dunn.

Unger: So, you see, both Dunn and I were under Oveur, even though I was under Dunn.

Clarence Oveur: Dunn was over Unger, and I was over Dunn.

Simon: Just a few more hours and change 'til liftoff.

Elaine Dickinson: I'm very excited, Simon.

Simon: Guess this is a first for you, eh kid?

Elaine Dickinson: No, I've been excited before.

Jimmy: Can I ask you a question?

Striker: What is it?

Jimmy: It's an interrogative statement, used to test knowledge. But that's not important now, mister. Is my dog Scraps, is gonna make it through okay? I'm scared mister, somebody has to do something.

Striker: Scraps, is going to be fine son. You'll both, be just fine.

[Striker, puts Jimmy's face in the icing of the cake]

Simon: Striker, listen to me. I don't want you, to do this they forced me to cut corners...

Striker: Get outta my way!

Simon: Help me, Striker for Christ -

[Striker, slugs Simon in the face]

Simon: My God! The sun.

Elaine Dickinson: What is it, Simon?

Simon: A large, fiery ball at the center of our solar system, but that's not important now. We're heading right for it.

Simon: We were not doing anything...

Jean: Neither were we.

Taj: Simon?

Simon: I have... I have a problem.

Taj: [to the other guys] Oh, my God, he's talking. Well, Simon, whatever you problem is, we're your friends, you can tell us.

Simon: Well, you wee, it's to do with the size of my piddler.

Taj: Your... Oh. Well, you know, it's an understood fact that a man's piddler is... Appears smaller to himself than it is in real life.

Simon: Well, you see, that's what I'm afraid of. 'Cause according to me it has some 11 inches.

Taj: Come again? Figuratively.

Simon: [to Harlan] Hey!

Rachel: ...is for horses, better for cows, and pigs don't eat it 'cause they don't know how.

Rachel: This has nothing to do with him.

Simon: This has everything to do with him. He tried to take away all the things that would let you love me without being in my bed, like a friend or a father. This has everything to do with him. This is about knowing the difference between right and wrong, between the truth and a lie. He took that from you. And if you can't tell the difference, then you can't trust anyone. And if you can't trust, you can't love.

Rachel: What's it like to be so sure of yourself?

Simon: Do you need to call someone or are you a surprise?

Rachel: I would. My mother cut my phone service off. She's a gem.

[tosses phone out of car]

Simon: Don't hit me with fish.

Simon: I wasn't really going anywhere.

Rachel: That's where I'm going.

Simon: Where?

Rachel: Anywhere.

Simon: Well, I was going there alone.

Rachel: Well, now you're not. Consider yourself very lucky.

Simon: I would if you weren't here.

Rachel: Consider yourself stuck.

Simon: I don't like to talk.

Rachel: Perfect. I don't like to listen.

Simon: [watching a cricket match on TV] It's like watching baseball, only longer.

Vera: Wouldn't be too much, would it, if I asked what in the name of God you're doing here in our bed?

Murray French: Sorry. I know it's after office hours.

Vera: It's not so much the time that bothers me as the fact that we're all here in bed together. It's the whole threesome thing I'm not that comfortable with.

Simon: Now, now, now, he doesn't drop by that often.

Murray French: This is it. I'm leavin'. Will you come visit me in town?

Simon: Nope.

Murray French: Simon...

Simon: I'm afraid of flying.

Murray French: Yeah, well drive down.

Simon: I don't drive.

Mayor Tom Fitzpatrick: I offered them full tax exemption forever, and I threw in your daughter's virginity.

Henry Tilley: What the hell are you talkin' about?

Simon: Oh, Henry, Tom is pulling your leg. Everyone knows Lucy gave that away long ago.

Murray French: Every detail is important. Oh... for example, Mr. Mayor said the doctor loves cricket.

Henry Tilley: "Cricket" cricket?

Simon: Yeah.

Henry Tilley: That's disgusting. I mean, sushi is bad enough.

Murray French: No. Cricket - the sport. Cricket.

Simon: The sport, for God's sake. The sport.

Henry Tilley: What, do they, like, race 'em?

Murray French: [laying in bed with Simon and Vera] Simon.

Simon: Who is it?

Murray French: The tooth fairy.

Simon: [chuckles] Well, you're fifty-five years too late, and you're... you're uglier than I thought you'd be.

Pat Farrell: The angels came and carried Molly away.

Simon: [looks at photo of Molly] There must have been quite a few angels.

Wai-Tung Gao: I don't know, we should have moved you out.

Simon: I'll survive.

Wai-Tung Gao: Not if Wei Wei keeps cooking.

Simon: [in line waiting to enter the bear run] Grr.

Tyler: What are you doing?

Simon: Getting my bear on.

Tyler: Simon, don't embarrass me.

Simon: [Tyler and Simon hadn't seen each other for a bit] Notice anything different?

Tyler: You're now part of the rhythm nation?

Simon: Hello! I lost five whole pounds? Thought I'd have you drooling by now.

Tyler: Actually, gaining ten would probably put you in the right direction.

Simon: What, you mean you want me to have a roll?

Tyler: Twenty pounds.

Simon: A muffin top?

Tyler: Thirty.

Simon: Are you suggesting... I mean, a whole belly?

Tyler: Yeah. Throw in some hair on that belly and I think we're talking perfection.

Simon: What happened to you? Were you dropped on your head as a child?

Tyler: God, Simon, please don't ever change. Scratch that. Mature, but please don't ever change.

Simon: [Tyler walked in on Simon dancing to Dance Dance Revolution] Shit Tyler, you scared the hell out of me. Haven't you ever heard of knocking?

Tyler: [laughing] Oh God, you are officially whatever the PC term is for retarded.

Simon: Hand me those shorts

[Tyler tosses them to him]

Simon: Hey, it's my cardio, okay? Gym memberships cost a fortune in this city.

Simon: [after trying Randy's "dirty jock" shot] What the hell was that?

Brent: Awful.

Fred: That was Randy's dirty jock.

Tyler: Yeah, tastes like it.

Randy: Fuck you bitches. Die of thirst!

Laura: Be reasonable.

Simon: Why?

Henry Fool: We gotta talk. What the hell were you trying to do when you wrote this thing?

Simon: Nothing.

Henry Fool: Well, you know, you wrote it in a kind of iambic pentameter.

Simon: Iambic what?

Henry Fool: Verse. Look. In my opinion, this is pretty powerful stuff. Though your spelling is Neanderthal and your reasoning a little naive, your instincts are profound. But the whole thing needs to be given a more cohesive shape. It can be expanded, followed through, unified. Do you see what I'm getting at? Are you willing to commit yourself to this? To really work on it? To give it its due in the face of adversity and discouragement? To rise to the challenge you yourself have set? And don't give me that wonderstruck "I'm only a humble garbage man" bullshit, either.

Simon: It hurts to breathe.

Henry Fool: Of course it does.

Henry Fool: [very calmly] Once - I forget where I was. Central America, maybe. Somewhere hot. Stupid job, bad pay, dangerous location, and water so foul the natives wouldn't even piss in it - this crowd of drunken motherfuckers hired by the local drug cartel showed up at my hotel room and threatened to tear me limb from limb. And I say, "Listen hombres, OK, you got me outnumbered here four to one and you're gonna kill me here tonight and not a soul in this dimly lit world is gonna notice I'm gone. But one of you, one of you, one of you is gonna have his eye torn out. Period." Silence. "I repeat myself: One of you poor, underpaid jerks is gonna have an eye ripped out of its socket. I promise. It's a small thing perhaps, all things considered, but I will succeed, because it's the only thing I have left to do in this world. So why don't you just take a good look at one another one last time, and think it over a few minutes more."

Simon: [pause] And then what happened?

Henry Fool: Well. Here I am, still, after all.

Henry Fool: Can you sit there, look me straight in the eye and tell me that you don't think this poem is great? That it is not at once a poem of great lyrical beauty and ethical depth; that it is not a genuine, highly profound meditation on the miracle of existence?

Simon: I...

Henry Fool: *Can* you?

Simon: No. I can't.

Henry Fool: So you see you have no choice.

Simon: Hold on.

Officer Degepse: We're holding. We're holding. No one's doing anything.

Simon: No, I mean hold on. I got another call coming in.

Jason 'Jinx' Taylor: So, Simon, what's the deal? How do we do this?

Simon: How do we do this? Right. You tell me what it is you want. I yield to your demands. Then I give you what's called a counter-offer. I'll give you part of what you want, but not everything. So I have a decent bargaining position to deliver what is what I want. Got it?

Jason 'Jinx' Taylor: I don't think I like your attitude.

Simon: Thatta boy! Now you're beginning to get the feel.

Jason 'Jinx' Taylor: I want my twenty bucks. And... and... safely out of here.

Simon: What we have here is a symbiotic relationship. You want out, and I want in. And in the spirit of negotiation, I'd like to see you dead. You'd like to leave alive. So, let's just meet in the middle.

Jessica: Mind if I make a suggestion?

Jason 'Jinx' Taylor: Fine. Why not?

Jessica: Tell him I can open the door, but you won't allow me to until he guarantees you safe passage out.

Jason 'Jinx' Taylor: [talking to Simon on the phone] She says she can open the door, but...

Simon: [interrupting] I heard her. It's a good plan. I'll give you my guarantee. 100%.

Simon: Let's start over.

Jason 'Jinx' Taylor: That seems to be our theme around here.

Simon: [to Gunman] Just go pretend to guard the guard!

Simon: [to Degepse] If I see your men any closer than 25 yards, I'm putting holes through these walking body bags.

Nick: Anything in particular slowing things up?

Simon: Like?

Nick: Like some guy locking himself in the vault, who somehow has full knowledge of our identities, our cell numbers, and has the ability to dial 911, handing you a first-class pass to ass class in a federal penitentiary? That sort of thing?

Nick: A tactical analysis? What would that currently be?

Simon: Fucked.

Nick: Great.

Simon: Hey, look! I'm an elephant rider! Huh? Ya like that?

Simon: I was really good, but not good enough. And not good enough really isn't very good.

Elizabeth: The memory is not destroyed, it is locked in a cage, and with enough force, enough violence, the lock can be broken. It comes back, the memory, not completely, not entirely, but enough to drive you, to make you feel you have been cheated, enough to make you angry. What did she look like?

Simon: ...you.

Simon: No piece of art is worth a human life.

[first lines]

Simon: [auctioneer is barking prices] There is a painting, it's by Rembrandt. 'Storm On The Sea Of Galilee', it's called, and he's in it. Old Rembrandt, he's in the painting. He's in there, right in the middle of the storm, looking straight at you. But... you can't see him. And the reason you can't see him is because the painting has been stolen.

Simon: [after seeing Nate get hypnotized for the first time] Hahahahahaha that was incredible! Are you Alright?

Nate: Yeah I'm fine, why?

Simon: Hehehehehe he doesn't know! A HaHa, oh I'm sorry man.

Simon: [slurring] I tell you, God's honest truth, John-o, the drunker I get, the more reasonable the most un-fuckin'-reasonable things seem to me.

[while Mack waits for his car to be serviced at a local gas station, he and tow truck driver Simon sit in the parking lot discussing his family and the Grand Canyon]

Simon: [chuckles] Man, get yourself to the Grand Canyon.

Mack: Beautiful, huh?

Simon: Eh, it's pretty, all right, but that's not the thing of it. You can sit right on the edge of it, you know? I-I did that. I did everything: I went down in it, I stayed overnight there. But the thing that got me was sitting on the edge of that big old thing. Those rocks. Yeah, those cliffs and rocks is so old. Took so long for that thing to get to look like that... and it ain't done either, you know? It happens right while you're sitting there watching it. It's happening right now while we're sitting here in this ugly town.

[Simon finishes his soda and throws the can into the dumpster across the parking lot]

Simon: [sighs] When you sit on the edge of that thing, you just realize what a joke we people are. What big heads we got thinking that what we do is gonna matter all that much. Thinking our time here means diddly to those rocks. It's a split second we been here, the whole lot of us. And one of us? That's a piece of time too small to give a name.

Mack: You trying to cheer me up?

Simon: Yeah, those rocks are laughing at me, I could tell. Me and my worries, it's real humorous to that Grand Canyon. Hey, you know what I felt like? I felt like a gnat that lands on the ass of a cow that's chewing its cud next to the road that you ride by on at 70 miles an hour.

Mack: [laughs] Small.

Simon: I've gotta ask you for a favor. Let me go my way here. This truck's my responsibility, and now that the car's hooked up to it, it's my responsibility too.

Rocstar: Do you think I'm stupid? Just answer that question first.

Simon: Look, I don't know nothing about you; you don't know nothing about me. I don't know if you're stupid, or some kind of genius. All I know is that I need to get out of here, and you got the gun. So I'm asking you, for the second time, let me go my way here.

Rocstar: I'm gonna grant you that favor, and I'm gonna expect you to remember it if we ever meet again. But tell me this, are you asking me as a sign of respect, or are you asking because I've got the gun?

Simon: Man, the world ain't supposed to work like this. I mean, maybe you don't know that yet. I'm supposed to be able to do my job without having to ask you if I can. That dude is supposed to be able to wait with his car without you ripping him off. Everything is supposed to be different than it is.

Rocstar: So what's your answer?

Simon: You ain't got the gun, we ain't having this conversation.

Rocstar: That's what I thought: no gun, no respect. That's why I always got the gun.

[last lines]

[as Mack and Simon and their wives and families look at the Grand Canyon]

Simon: So what do you think?

Mack: I think it's not all bad.

Simon: This neighborhood is gone to shit.

Mack: This country is gone to shit.

Mack: [about a possible trip to the Grand Canyon] We were planning to take my boy.

Simon: How old is he?

Mack: 15.

Simon: 15? Probably won't wanna go with you now. Probably go with his friends and his chick now. You've missed that boat.

Rocstar: Is that right, you dissin' me?

Simon: No, I'm not. Nothin' like it. I'm doin' a job here, fella. This is how I make my living. I just ride out there and do the job. I want it to go as smooth as it can be. I don't like it to be any harder than it already is.

[first lines]

Simon: [on answering machine] Rachel, hi, it's it's Simon. Um, I don't know how long you've got this flat for, but it's nice, so it's okay. I know you don't want to, but we've really got to talk about our house, and fix the price. I've tried calling you at work. Please ring back.

[Rachel holds her nose and plunges under the bath water]

Simon: Let's kill the negro. I don't like them.

[music is playing too loud, so the Neighbour starts banging on the door. Simon opens the door]

Neighbour: Listen to me, you asshole, if you don't turn off you damn music, I'll kill you myself!

[Simon pulls out a gun]

Neighbour: Hey, look, man, chill! Don't do it!

[Simon pushes the Neighbour into a small store-room and shoots him four times. A moment later Sergei watches him returning]

Sergei: Who was that at the door?

Simon: Ah, nobody.

Simon: [In the Highlands with Mark and Spud to remember Tommy] I'm sorry, I'm trying very hard, but I just don't feel anything.

Renton: We are here as an act of memorial.

Simon: It's just nostalgia! You're a tourist in your own youth. We were young; bad things happened.

Simon: You know, since we're having this conversation, I can tell you that fully consentual, emotionally driven, not-for-profit sexual intercourse has been attained.

Renton: Simon, you're a romantic.

Veronika: [to Renton and Simon, in Bulgarian] You know nothing. You understand nothing. You live in the past. Where I come from, the past is something to forget, but here it's all you talk about. You are clearly so in love with each other that I feel awkward in your company. Instead of looking at me you should get naked and fuck each other.

Renton: Aha. Cheers.

Simon: Up your ass.

Renton: Placebo.

Veronika: [laughs]

[last lines]

Simon: He's doing what?

Renton: Writing them down.

Simon: Really?

Renton: That's what he told me.

Simon: Murphy?

Renton: Apparently so.

Simon: So, who's gonna read 'em?

Renton: Well, that's the problem. Nobody.

Brigitte: Death is so much more vital than Time.

Simon: Right.

Brigitte: Death gives Time all of its value.

Claire: I just... Look, uh, this doesn't feel right.

Simon: I know. But when something starts with a six-year-old dying, nothing is gonna feel right.

Simon: You know, when I was younger, I used to think, you really wanna live to be 100 years old? You know, like a shriveled up raisin. And the answer to that now is yes. Because my son would be 70, his son would be 40, and his son would be 10. And I would be the man, you know. Pops. Could get used to that, you know.

Brigitte: See you around, Pops.

[to the guards beating Jesus on his way to Golgotha]

Simon: Stop! Stop! Leave him alone! If you don't stop, I won't carry that cross one more step. I don't care what you do to me!

[on the road to Golgotha, Jesus falls]

Simon: [picking Jesus up] We're almost there! It's almost over!

[upon being ordered to bear the cross of Jesus Christ]

Simon: Remember that I am an innocent man, forced to carry the cross of a condemned man!

Simón: [while reading Peter Pan] Wendy grows old and dies?

Laura: Wendy grows old, but Peter Pan takes her daughter to Neverland every year.

Simón: Why doesn't Wendy go, too? If Peter Pan came to get me, would you come, too?

Laura: No. I'm too old to go to Neverland, darling.

Simón: How old are you?

Laura: Thirty-seven.

Simón: At what age will you die?

Laura: What sort of question is that? Not for a long time, until you're very old.

Simón: I won't grow old. I'm not going to grow up.

Laura: Will you be like Peter Pan?

Simón: Like my new friends.

Laura: There's more than one?

Simón: Six.

Laura: They won't grow up either?

Simón: They can't.

Simón: [from his room in the middle of the night] Mommy! Mommy! Mommy!

Carlos: [roused half-awake] I'll go, it's my turn.

[falls right back to sleep]

Simon: You always were wise beyond your years.

Cassandra: No I wasn't. I used to be consciously naive.

Simon: What's going on? Mina. Do you really want to die? Let me ask you something, Mina. Do you know yourself? You, who decides to kill yourself, but do you really know who you are? Do you know that self? I mean, there are 60 trillion cells inside of you. Do you know that? I mean, how often do you think about that? Mina.

Mina: I don't.

Simon: Yes, you do. You think about them all the time. You just don't think about it in the right way, I mean... If your body is an apartment complex, those 60 trillion cells are your... your tenants. They need ventilation, right? So you breathe. They need nourishment, so you eat. When they seek renewal, they nudge you with a little bit of a... sexual urge. What you do is what they need. You have five senses, Mina: sight, smell, sound, taste... and touch. But what is their purpose? Hmm? To see the world outside. To see everything, to feel everything, to taste everything, to touch everything. But they're completely useless when it comes to seeing what's inside of you. Right? When you're eating something, at what point do you not feel it anymore?

[holds throat]

Simon: About here? I mean, there's a party going on inside of you, but you're not invited. The only time they nudge you again is when it's time to get rid of the garbage. But don't fool yourself. They need you. They need you to see the outside world, like a submarine crew.

[puts hands over Mina's eyes]

Simon: You're their sonar. That is your function. You need to feed them. Everyone forgets they're just a slave to them. You're just a slave. And you start thinking about yourself. And you start thinking about your death and not theirs. And it's not fair, because they're the ones living, not you. You may be dead already.

Mina: Now I really want to kill myself.

Simon: Well, can I at least get a kiss goodnight?

Simon: [class monologue] Innocence is a hard thing to describe, it's like a scent, a thing which some people carry. And from the moment they found the bomb, the security officials knew my mother had nothing to do with it.

Simon: I think that this idea we get, that if you get to know someone, if you humanize them, it stops you from pulling the trigger or setting off the bomb or whatever, well that's just a myth we're taught, something we get from the movies. When the reality might be that's what actually inspires extreme action.

[last lines]

Simon: You looked happy.

Sabine: He was. We were happy.

Simon: And then what happened?

Sabine: Then he met your mom.

Simon: You let him go.

Sabine: No, I never let him go.

Simon: Hanna?

Hanna: What?

Simon: Nothing.

Simon: Hanna?

Hanna: What?

Simon: Nothing.

Simon: Reality is not what it used to be!

Simon: [about to commit suicide] I have to, he wrote me this way.

Simon: [the galley drummer collapses after swallowing some of Curly-Joe's calm-down pills]

Simon: Philo!

Simon: I have seen God, and he is a blind beggar peddling lies! He has sold the world to the Devil and left only the husk for himself! Satan is master here! The sparrow-eater!

Simon: Man should live and let live, and without any interfering.

Paolo: Even that poor squid was free once, Simon, eh? I study Coleoptera because I love them.

Simon: Sure, but the squirming little creatures still end up under your microscope. Yeah, he's dead all right but at least I eat my squid. But I don't kill as a hobby like you do.

Paolo: Good lord, Simon. You make me feel like a murderer.

Simon: I'm not saying that, Mr. Fossati, but if you kill for killing's sake, you become a monster.

Paolo: But, man isn't an insect, my dear Simon. We have centuries of civilization behind us, you know.

Simon: No, I don't know. I wasn't there.

Simon: Simon:"You forgot to say 'Simon Says'"

Simon: You have service?

Vicky: No. This place is like a bunker - whoever build this place is an asshole!

Simon: You're weak. You're a loser. Satan wants winners!

Simon: Your ass is sore. Poor little boy got raped by some queers. And he's perfectly willing to forget all about it. You must believe in Jesus.

Simon: Kinda, doctor, all my life I've been surrounded by them.

Simon: You, me, what matter? It's as you want.

Ariane: As I want, but it's you who want. And because you want, I must want it, too.

Simon: Then I have decided. It'll be no less painful for me. But not for long, I suppose. As you know, I am without memory.

Simon: I prefer the truth even if it hurts. Yet all you give me are half-truths when you know I'll find out anyway.

Simon: When it gets finer, we could go to Venice or Vienna.

Ariane: If you like.

Sylvia: I know you. You always order stuff from these writers with really hard names. I never know how to say 'em.

Simon: Have you ever tried reading them?

Sylvia: Can't say I have. What're they about?

Simon: Same old stuff: friendship, war, honor, courage, love.

Sylvia: So if you know 'em why do you keep readin' 'em?

Simon: 'Cause I hope I'll finally learn how to deal with all that stuff.

Elliot - Coxswain: [describing a large breasted woman who looks for Simon] Do you remember that... National Geographic you have in your back room?

Simon: [laughs] Yeah.

Elliot - Coxswain: Yeah, well this one is a white version of page 43.

Simon: How many kids *will* show, do you think?

Charlie: It's worth taking a look. I mean, a lot of kids'll show because of that strawberry statement.

Simon: What?

Charlie: The dean. He said our telling him we had an opinion is like telling him we like strawberries.

Simon: Oh, I love straw - I love strawberries!

Charlie: Oh, schmuck.

Simon: Strawberries? What's he got against strawberries?

Charlie: Must be their color.

Simon: [on the phone in jail] Dad, what do you mean "Simon Who?" Yeah. Good. How's mom? Good. Got arrested. Yeah, jail. Uh. Well, yes, well, uh, if, well, it has been growing for two months, I mean, it's gotta be longer, right? Well, some people have bad associations when they see long hair, and some have them when they see long Cadillacs. Oh, I solved my identity crisis. Yeah. Hey, lemme - I'll - I'll call you later, OK? Bye-bye.

Linda: You're not really serious about this.

Simon: I am, too.

Linda: The university is burning babies and killing men, and you're on the rowing team.

Simon: Rowing *crew*. Linda...

Linda: It's a waste. This strike is part of something real. That's better than being a rowing jock.

Simon: Now, look, most of the guys on the crew aren't jocks. I mean, uh, crew doesn't even have as many WASPs as it should have, according to the population percentage of WASPs in the nation.

Linda: Maybe it should be shut down.

Simon: Now, look, I mean they have uh, mustaches and everything.

Linda: Simon, if you wanna row a boat, row a boat.

Simon: Look, you don't understand what it's like. I mean it's, uh... it's erotic. I mean, you should try it. I mean it's a commitment. It's real.

Linda: It's not real. It's a game. The movement is real.

Simon: Linda...

Linda: What?

Simon: I am so incredibly confused.

Linda: So am I.

Linda: What are you doing?

Simon: I wanna feel... what it feels like to... *litter* from the back of a paddy wagon.

Linda: So how does it feel?

Simon: Nice. Not terrific, not fantastic, but... but nice.

[Explaining to the bank's board why he wants to protect the shareholders]

Simon: They are our people. They are our "society". The public can take care of themselves.

Simon: I get Mike Oldfield vibes, only as if he were from outer space.

[from trailer]

Lianne: So, you're my guardian angel?

Simon: Something like that...

[from trailer]

Simon: What do you think your soul looks like?

Grace Batten: Are you a doctor?

Simon: I specialize in methods that conventional medicine ignores. What kind of methods? Many diseases can manifest through our environment. What we eat, how we live. And just as we may create our illness, our bodies can be healed.

Grace Batten: And that works on, uh... On sick people?

Simon: If they are pure of heart and mind, yes.

Rose Batten: I'm going to die, aren't I?

Simon: Hmm. We're all going to die. That's how God intended it. But how we live and how we die, that can be meaningful.

Father Price: The prayer is pure. It was never meant to be used this way! Only Christ can raise the dead.

Simon: Christ is in us all.

Simon: Drink this and all your suffering will be gone. Drink this and bring meaning to your life. Drink this and offer the disciples unto God. Drink this and bring life back to this world. Let go.

Simon: Back then, everybody had a name. I was Simple Simon.

Robyn: Kids, kids are mean.

Simon: Kids are honest.

Simon: Holy shit. I'm an asshole, Robyn, okay? I made his life a living hell and I treated him like shit. Is that what you're trying to figure out? That I was an asshole? I was an asshole, okay? My dad was an asshole to me, treated me like shit. But I took it. I sucked it up. I'm not on my hands and knees crying about it, praying about it. Stuck in the fucking past about it. I moved on. I made something of my life. This world's about fucking winners and losers, and we're all in the same shitty playground, you know? Guess what? That this guy lost and then he's moaning about it, is just him being stuck because he wants to be stuck because he can't get past the fucking moment. He's not going to pull me back and apologize for something I don't know about, that I'm not responsible for, that I don't care about. I don't owe that guy shit.

Ron: Normally, friendships grow organically. And if they don't serve both parties, they just kind of dissipate.

Simon: Yeah, that'd be great.

Ron: What you're talking about is, you know, an asymmetric thing. A one-sided friendship? I mean, essentially you're being forced into a breakup.