Parker Quotes in The Day After Tomorrow (2004)

[last lines]

Parker: Have you ever seen the air so clear?

Parker: I know you have an innate talent for rubbing people the wrong way, Jack, but why for the Love of God would you aggravate the Vice President?

Jack Hall: Because my seventeen year old kid knows more science than he does.

Parker: Perhaps, but your seventeen year old kid doesn't control our budget. It doesn't matter if HE hates you.

Jack Hall: My son doesn't hate me.

Leslie Rodgers: How do you sleep at night?

Parker: I don't drink coffee after 7.

Parker: [torturing man with a bar stool] If you don't tell me what I need to know, I'm gonna press down on this chair until it crushes your trachea. Trust me, it's agonizing. Plus, there's the posthumous humiliation of having been killed with a chair.

Parker: [points the gun] Do what I say and you won't get hurt.

Jack: [tried to take out gun from holster] Mine's bigger than yours.

Parker: [shoots him in the leg] It's not the size. It's how you use it.

Parker: I don't steal from anyone who can't afford it, and I don't hurt anyone who doesn't deserve it.

Leslie Rodgers: Do you ever feel bad about what you do?

Parker: Everyone steals, Leslie. Some people admit it to themselves, some don't. It's what human beings do. That's why we invented locks.

Parker: I'd kill him while I had the chance.

Parker: [to Leslie] Take off your clothes.

Parker: [in Southern accent] Daniel Parmitt. San Antonio, Texas.

Lady Penelope: Oh, and England won the footbal last night

Parker: YES! EN-GER-LAND!

Lady Penelope: Isn't life fun sometimes?

Parker: Rib ticklin', M'Lady.

Lady Penelope: [arriving at Tracy Island after they send the emergency signal] This doesn't look good, Parker.

Parker: No, Milady.

Lady Penelope: [points with her pink umbrella to a potted plant on a nearby table] That Bougainvillea is absolutely parched!

[points behind her to an old wooden hammock]

Lady Penelope: And someone should do something about that *hideous* hammock!

Parker: [after taking Lady Penelope's unbrella] Yes, milady.

Parker: There is a natural order. The way things are meant to be. An order that says that the good guys always win. That you die when it's your time, or you have it coming. That the ending is always happy, if only for someone else. Now at some point it became clear to us that our path had been chosen and we had nothing to offer the world. Our options narrowing down to petty crime or minimum wage. So, we stepped off the path, and went looking for the fortune that we knew was looking for us. Once off the path you do what you can to eat and to keep moving. You don't blow your ghost of a chance with nickel and dime. No possessions, no comforts. Need is the ultimate monkey. A pint of your blood can fetch you fifty bucks. A shot of cum, three grand. You keep your life simple and you can literally self sustain.

[Narration after the shoot-out at the brothel]

Parker: We don't want your forgiveness. We won't make excuses. We're not gonna blame you, even if you are an accessory... But we will not except your natural order. We didn't come for absolution, we didn't ask to be redeemed. But isn't how it is, every goddamn time... Your prayers are always answered, in the order they're received...

Bar Patron: Hey, hey. Yeah you, get up. What are you retarded? Get off the fucking car!

Raving Bitch: Hey dickless, get off the fucking car! Hey fucksuck, get your slippery fucking ass off the car! Listen to me, get off the fucking car with your fucking ass!

Parker: Shut that cunts mouth or I'll come over there and fuckstart her head!

Raving Bitch: You're gonna wish you never fucking got up this fucking morning asshole, because my boyfriend's gonna fuck you up! And then after that while he's fucking up your fucking gay uncle over there I'm gonna fucking cut off your cock and mail it to your mother, you fucking faggot bitch! You gaylord fucking bitch! How do you like that? You like that a lot you fucking faggot? You like to ass fuck? Fontanella fucking babyheads!

Bar Patron: Go ahead.

Raving Bitch: You like to fuck babyheads? You like to fuck boys? He's gonna fuck you in the ass, how do you like that? He's not even gay but he'll do it just to fuck...

Bar Patron: Honey honey. She's got a big mouth but she's not kidding. I'm gonna whip you silly and I'm gonna fuck you stupid. You wanna do the man dance? First dance is yours.

[Parker and Longbaugh are looking at the cash out in the open at the brothel]

Longbaugh: What do you think?

Parker: I think a plan is just a list of things that don't happen.

Parker: You take Los Angeles. Kay. If I say Los Angeles has become, over the years, a mecca for homosexual migration. I am in the right. But look at what I am saying. I am making it sound like faggots are nomadic if not predatory miscreants who have some implied need to move around. I am also likening of the Muslims, or Muslims to them. Whereas saying LA is filled with faggots is just being honest.

Interviewer: Heterosexual?

Parker: Can I ask you something? Are you a faggot? See, you asked me if I was heterosexual; I asked you the same question, only I was clear about the answer I was looking for.

Parker: A pint of your blood can fetch you fifty bucks. A shot of cum, three grand.

Parker: Don't you think it's funny that if I grab a woman's ass and she punches me, she's fighting for her rights, but if a faggot grabs my ass and I punch his lights out, I'm a homophobe?

Parker: For the record I'll call myself Mr. Parker. My associate will be Mr. Longbaugh.

Parker: The longest distance between two points is a kidnapper and his money.

Parker: Can't you people see there are guns here? Get, the fuck, OUT! GET OUT!

Parker: We're not talking about how long you're gonna live, we're talking about how slow you're gonna die.

Parker: Need is the ultimate monkey.

Parker: Then I heard him praying, now I lay me down to sleep I pray to the lord my soul to keep... and you know something it stayed with me .it bothered me. Of all the people I'd done it too, and that had to be the one I felt and to this day I can't go to sleep unless I say that prayer.

Longbaugh: You have too much faith in people.

Parker: How can you kidnap somebody without it?

Parker: It's not what you say anymore. It's how you say it.

[going through contraband items]

Capt. Wallace B. Binghampton: McHale's Mai Tai... McHale's Ale... McHale's Girls of the San Ysidro Islands calendar? Will somebody explain to me what this is?

Parker: You see, sir, these are scantily-clad yet tasteful photos of women the men use as an...

Capt. Wallace B. Binghampton: Shut up!

[repeated line]

Parker: Airborne!

[It's night. We hear Tarzan yelling]

Parker: Oh, shut up, you boring son of a bitch!

Parker: Jane, do you know what he wants? What this ape wants?

Jane: He's not an ape!

Parker: He is an ape. He lives like an ape, he kills like an ape. But do you understand what he wants?

Jane: You know everything...

Parker: Well, this ape son of a bitch wants you.

Parker: I'm gonna catch that animal son of a bitch, Mr Holt!

Parker: I wallow in me. I enjoy every syllable I say and every gesture I make. I indulge myself a full one hundred percent. And you take my advice, dear Jane, and you do the same thing, and enjoy your beautiful time on Earth. Turn yourself into a god, and then you will not have to look for another.

Parker: What do you want to be when you grow up, Clifford?

Clifford: A dinosaur!

Sarah Davis: Daddy, I want you to be nice to Martin for me, please!

Parker: If I have to honey, I still don't understand how a man at his age is still not married.

[the all-white group wonders which among them might be willing to venture beyond his own ethnicity]

Austin: Yeah. Sure, why not? I'll bite the bullet.

Parker: Well, that's certainly kind of you. "Bite the bullet?" We're trying to be as politically correct and considerate as possible in this project.

Austin: I've always wanted to bang an Asian chick.

Austin: Nothing is more attractive than a girl who can't walk good.

Parker: Or a guy who can't speak well.

Terry Abbatt: You're fucking crazy, do you know that? Do you? You've lived half your life and where are you? 5,000 miles from home, in a bankrupt seaside town, on a snide passport, talking shit to a dead man. And what have you got? What have you got? You haven't got a pot to piss in. No money, your wife in hiding in some shithole in Mexico, half crippled by some fucking maniac. All that bollocks you were giving me about you and Joanie.

Parker: I meant it.

Terry Abbatt: Aw! Fuck you did!

Parker: This would be the last time, Terry.

Terry Abbatt: Oh Christ, how many times have I heard that? Every villain I've ever known. And how do they end up? Three in a cell in some Victorian Dungeon, or worse, lying dead in the gutter.

Parker: [firing machine gun] I'm out of .30 Caliber!

Private Jackson: [lining shots] Blessed be the Lord my strength, which teaches my hands to war, and my fingers to fight.

[Fires rifle twice]

Private Jackson: My goodness and my fortress... my high tower and my Deliverer.

[Fires rifle]

Private Jackson: My shield, and he in whom I trust.

[Fires rifle, then to his rifle]

Private Jackson: Here you go baby.

[Fires rifle few more times. Notices a tank has spotted them]

Private Jackson: Parker, get down!

[Tin-Tin is about to land the Tiger Moth, hiding herself under the cockpit]

Parker: [in awe] Cor! Stone the crows! It's going to land on its own!

Lady Penelope: Parker.

Lady Penelope: M'lady?

Lady Penelope: Tin-Tin's an excellent pilot. Don't you think, Parker?

[Tin-Tin lands the plane and waves towards the mansion]

Ripley: Ash, can you hear me?

[slams her hands down on the table]

Ripley: Ash?

Ash: [awakens and starts speaking in an electronic and distorted voice] Yes, I can hear you.

Ripley: What was your special order?

Ash: You read it. I thought it was clear.

Ripley: What was it?

Ash: Bring back life form. Priority One. All other priorities rescinded.

Parker: The damn company. What about our lives, you son of a bitch?

Ash: I repeat, all other priorities are rescinded.

Ripley: How do we kill it, Ash? There's gotta be a way of killing it. How? How do we do it?

Ash: You can't.

Parker: That's bullshit.

Ash: You still don't understand what you're dealing with, do you? Perfect organism. Its structural perfection is matched only by its hostility.

Lambert: You admire it.

Ash: I admire its purity. A survivor... unclouded by conscience, remorse, or delusions of morality.

Parker: Look, I am... I've heard enough of this, and I'm asking you to pull the plug.

[Ripley goes to disconnect Ash, who interrupts]

Ash: Last word.

Ripley: What?

Ash: I can't lie to you about your chances, but... you have my sympathies.

Ripley: Whenever he says *anything* you say "right", Brett. You know that?

Brett: Right.

Ripley: Parker, what do you think? Your staff just follows you around and says "right". Just like a regular parrot.

Parker: [laughs] Yeah, shape up. What are you, some kind of parrot?

Brett: Right.

[first lines]

Brett: This is the worst shit I've ever seen, man.

Parker: What you say? You got any biscuits over there?

Ripley: Here's some cornbread.

Parker: Cornbread. Yeah.

Lambert: I am cold.

Parker: Still with us, Brett?

Brett: Right.

Kane: Oh, I feel dead.

Parker: Anybody ever tell you you look dead, man?

Ripley: Unless somebody has got a better idea... we'll proceed with Dallas' plan.

Lambert: [hysterical] What? And end up like the others? Oh, no. You're out of your mind!

Ripley: You got a better idea?

Lambert: Yes! I say that we abandon this ship! We get the shuttle and just get the hell out of here! We take our chances and... just hope that somebody will pick us up!

Ripley: Lambert, the shuttle won't take four.

Lambert: Well, then why don't we draw straws and...

Parker: I'm not drawing any straws. I'm for killing that goddamn thing right now.

Ripley: Okay. Well, let's talk about killing it. We know it's using the air shafts...

[Parker mumbles underneath]

Ripley: Will you listen to me, Parker? Shut up!

Parker: Let's hear it. Let's hear it.

Ripley: It's using the air shafts.

Parker: You don't know that.

Ripley: That's the only way! We'll move in pairs. We'll go step by step and cut off every bulkhead and every vent until we have it cornered, and then we'll blow it the fuck out into space. Is that acceptable to you?

Parker: If it means killing it then it's acceptable to me.

Ripley: Obviously it means killing it. But we have to stick together.

[Kane wakes up from his comatose state]

Parker: How ya doin'?

Kane: Terrific. Next silly question?

[they laugh, Ash hands him a cup of water]

Kane: Oh, thank you.

Dallas: You remember anything about the planet?

[Kane shakes his head]

Ripley: What's the last thing you do remember? Huh?

Kane: I remember some... horrible dream about... smothering? I don't know... Anyway, where are we?

Dallas: We're right here.

Ripley: We're on our way home!

Brett: Yeah, back to the ole freezerinos. Ahaha.

Dallas: [looks at a pen being dissolved by alien's body fluid] I haven't seen anything like that except, uh, molecular acid.

Brett: It must be using it for blood.

Parker: It's got a wonderful defense mechanism. You don't dare kill it.

Parker: It's a robot! Ash is a goddamn robot!

[Director's Cut only]

Lambert: [slapping Ripley] You bitch!

Brett: Easy!

Parker: Hey! Hey!

Lambert: You were gonna leave us out there!

Dallas: Alright. Ripley, when I give an order I expect to be obeyed.

Ripley: Even if it's against the law?

Dallas: You're goddamn right!

Ripley: When we throw the switches, how long before the ship blows?

Parker: Ten minutes.

Ripley: No bullshit?

Parker: We ain't outta here in ten minutes, we won't need no rocket to fly through space.

Parker: If they find what they're lookin' for out there, that mean we get full shares?

Ripley: Don't worry, Parker, yeah. You'll get whatever's coming to you.

Brett: Look, I'm not gonna do any more work until we get this straightened out.

Ripley: Brett, you're guaranteed by law to get a share.

Parker: What?

Ripley: Why don't you just fuck off?

Parker: What?

Brett: Uh, what'd you say, Rip?

Ripley: If you have any trouble, I'll be on the bridge.

Brett: [realizing Nostromo has changed its course and they have to investigate] Well, so what?

Kane: Well, we are obligated under section eight...

Parker: I hate to bring this up but, uh, this a commercial ship, not a rescue ship...

Brett: Right.

Parker: ...and it's not in my contract to do this kind of duty. Now what about the money? If you wanna give me some money to do it, I'll be happy to, uh, t-to, you know, oblige.

Brett: The man's right.

Dallas: Parker...

Parker: Let's go over the bonus situation. We haven't... Can we just talk about the bonus situation?

Ash: I'm sorry, can I say something?

Parker: Let's talk about the bonus more.

Ash: There is a clause in the contract which specifically states any systematized transmission indicating a possible intelligent origin must be investigated.

Parker: I don't wanna hear it...

Brett: We don't know if it's intelligent.

Parker: I wanna go home and party.

Dallas: Parker, will you just listen to the man?

Ash: On penalty of total forfeiture of shares. No money.

Dallas: You got that?

Parker: [chuckling] Well, yeah.

Dallas: All right, we're going in.

Parker: [to Brett] Yeah, we're going in, aren't we?

Dallas: Now, this air shaft may work to our advantage. Here. It leads up to and comes out in the main airlock. All right, there's only one big opening along the way, we can cover that up, and then we... drive it into the airlock and zap it into outer space.

Parker: How? This son of a bitch is huge! I mean, it's like a man; it's... it's big!

Ash: [softly] Kane's son.

Parker: [last line, to Lambert] Get out of the room!

[repeated line]

Parker: So, um, we think we should discuss the bonus situation...

Parker: It's got a great defense mechanism... you don't dare kill it...

Parker: Uh, before we dock, I think we oughta discuss the bonus situation.

Brett: Right.

Parker: Brett and I, we think we oughta... we deserve full shares, right baby?

Brett: Right. You see, Mr. Parker and I feel that the bonus situation has never been on a-an equitable level.

Dallas: Well, you get what you're contracted for like everybody else.

Brett: Yes, but everybody else, uh, gets more than us.

Parker: Please, Damon is the biggest practical joker I know. He once convinced a sophomore that he was the middle Hanson brother just so he could get laid.

Parker: [into a phone] Hello? Hello?

Killer: [distorted voice] You're gonna die tonight.

Parker: [into the phone] Oh, really? Let's see... this call is coming from inside this house. Could it be... an urban legend? Am I right?

[pause]

Parker: Hello? Hey, don't get shy on me all of a sudden fuck-face. This is the one about the babysitter, right? She's getting those scary and harassing phone calls and when she traces them back, they are coming from inside the house. But asswipe, aren't you forgetting something? I'm not babysitting any kids!

Killer: [voice] Wrong legend! This is the one about the old lady who dries her wet dog in the microwave oven.

[Parker suddenly turns back and looks towards the microwave oven that he doesn't remember being on]

[to Natalie, Brenda, Paul, and Sasha]

Parker: Don't you guys get it? Come on, it's just like that urban legend.

Natalie: What are you talking about?

Parker: You know the story, A boy and a girl, parked out in the woods, making out...

Brenda: [to Natalie] You made out with him?

Parker: [to Paul] If we ever have another E. Coli crisis in the cafeteria, I want you to have the biggest, juiciest burger. My treat.

Sasha: Parker, why do you always have to be such a jerk?

Parker: I was just messing around.

Sasha: Look, I'm gonna go to the radio station, okay?

Parker: Hey. Who's my girl? Who's my girl?

Parker: [Sasha blows him a kiss before leaving the party] That's my girl!

[Parker is surveying the scrap of the robot used to open the Lament Configuration]

Parker: What the hell is this?

Pinhead: The remnants of a most unsatisfying victim. Still... you're here to change all that... aren't you?

Karen: [watching Parker dip cheesestick into sauce] Parker, no double dipping. That's really gross.

Parker: But I thought you like sloppy seconds, Karen!

Karen: No, that's Mark. So share your little stick with him and leave that bowl alone.

Melissa: I'll drive first. I want to get it over with.

Karen: [everyone looks at Karen] Don't look at me. I wanted to go to the beach, not some redneck mountain resort!

Mark: Karen, the beach is overrated.

Parker: Yeah, but big busty blondes in bikinis! That's no overrated.

Melissa: But old men in thongs are.

Parker: [reading article about murder] This is some pretty heavy stuff for some small town, isn't it?

Karen: We should have gone to the beach. I could be getting such a good tan right now!

Melissa: Don't look at me. The mountains were'nt my idea.

Mark: [reads article] God. She was stabbed 13 times. She wasn't murdered, she was mutilated!

Parker: [yanks article out of Mark's hands] Would you keep it down! You'll scare the girls.

Mark: [watches Karen put on makeup for her appointment] How can you want to go out when Melissa is missing?

Karen: Mark, she is a 24 year old woman! She has a phone in a town with nowhere to go! Why should I sit here when I could go out to have a little fun for myself?

Parker: So why are you putting on makeup for an appointment?

Karen: Because if things go the way I plan, I might no be coming home tonight, either.