Eddie Valiant Quotes in Who Framed Roger Rabbit (1988)

Jessica Rabbit: You don't know how hard it is being a woman looking the way I do.

Eddie Valiant: You don't know how hard it is being a man looking at a woman looking the way you do.

Jessica Rabbit: I'm not bad. I'm just drawn that way.

[Judge Doom about to "dip" Roger]

Eddie Valiant: Hey, Judge. Doesn't a dying rabbit deserve a last request?

Roger Rabbit: Yeah, nose plugs would be nice.

Eddie Valiant: I think you want a drink. So, how about it, Judge?

Judge Doom: Well, why not? I don't mind prolonging the execution.

Eddie Valiant: Happy trails.

Roger Rabbit: No thanks, Eddie. I'm trying to cut down.

Eddie Valiant: Drink the drink.

Roger Rabbit: But I don't want the drink.

Judge Doom: He doesn't want the drink.

Eddie Valiant: He does.

Roger Rabbit: I don't.

Eddie Valiant: You do.

Roger Rabbit: I don't.

Eddie Valiant: You do.

Roger Rabbit: I don't.

Eddie Valiant: You do.

Roger Rabbit: I don't.

Eddie Valiant: You don't.

Roger Rabbit: I do.

Eddie Valiant: You don't.

Roger Rabbit: I do.

Eddie Valiant: You don't.

Roger Rabbit: [taking drink] Listen, when I say I do, that means I do.

[Roger smokes up, releasing him self from Judge Doom, and Eddie takes out the Weasels]

Eddie Valiant: You crazy rabbit! I'm out there risking my neck for you, and what are you doing? Singing and dancing!

Roger Rabbit: But I'm a toon. Toons are supposed to make people laugh.

Eddie Valiant: Sit down!

Roger Rabbit: You don't understand. Those people needed to laugh.

Eddie Valiant: Then when they're done laughing, they'll call the cops. That guy Angelo would rat on you for a nickel.

Roger Rabbit: Not Angelo. He'd never turn me in.

Eddie Valiant: Why? Because you made him laugh?

Roger Rabbit: That's right! A laugh can be a very powerful thing. Why, sometimes in life, it's the only weapon we have.

Eddie Valiant: [after discovering Doom after being flattened by a Steamroller get up and wobbling to his feet] Holy smoke, he's a Toon!

Judge Doom: Surprised?

Eddie Valiant: Not really. That lame-brained freeway idea could only be cooked up by a Toon.

Judge Doom: Not just ANY Toon...

[Doom wobbles over to an oxygen tank, puts the valve in his mouth and turns it on. He inflates back to his old self. His hat flies off and his prosthetic eyeballs pop out. Then he turns menacingly to Eddie, his eyes glowing a grim Toon red. Eddie gasps in terror]

Judge Doom: [voice getting higher, until it reaches a high-pitched squeak] Remember me, Eddie? When I killed your brother, I talked... just... like... THIS!

[eyes pop out in the shape of daggers]

Roger Rabbit: Yeah. Check the probate. Why, my Uncle Thumper had a problem with HIS probate, and he had to take these big pills, and drink lots of water.

Eddie Valiant: Not prostate, you idiot, PROBATE!

Eddie Valiant: Anybody know you're here?

Roger Rabbit: Nobody. Not a soul, except, uh...

Eddie Valiant: Who?

Roger Rabbit: Well, you see, I didn't know where your office was. So I asked the newsboy. He didn't know. So I asked the fireman, the green grocerer, the butcher, the baker, they didn't know! But the liquor store guy... he knew.

Eddie Valiant: [Grabs Roger and sends him to the door] In other words, the whole town knows you're here! Get out!

Eddie Valiant: I'm through with taking falls / And bouncing off the walls / Without that gun, I'd have some fun / I'd kick you in the...

[bottle falls on his head]

Roger Rabbit: Nose!

Smart Ass: Nose? That don't rhyme with "walls."

Eddie Valiant: No, but this does.

[kicks Smartass in the crotch, propelling him into a vat of Dip]

Eddie Valiant: She's married to Roger Rabbit?

Betty Boop: Yeah. What a lucky girl.

Bugs Bunny: [Eddie is falling; Mickey Mouse and Bugs Bunny, both wearing parachutes, join him] Eh, what's up, Doc? Jumpin' without a parachute? Kinda dangerous, ain't it?

Eddie Valiant: Yeah.

Mickey Mouse: Yeah. You could get killed. Heh, heh.

Eddie Valiant: You guys got a spare?

Mickey Mouse: Uh, Bugs does.

Eddie Valiant: Yeah?

Bugs Bunny: [in a sing-song tone] Yeah, but I don't think you want it.

Eddie Valiant: I do, I do, give it to me!

Mickey Mouse: Gee, uh, better let him have it, Bugs.

Bugs Bunny: Okay, Doc. Whatever you say, here's the spare.

Eddie Valiant: Thank you.

Eddie Valiant: Thank you.

[Mickey and Bugs deploy parachutes; Eddie pulls ripcord on parachute, and a car tire inflates]

Eddie Valiant: Aw, no! AAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!

Mickey Mouse: Aw, poor fella. Ha ha.

Bugs Bunny: Yeah, ain't I a stinker?

Lena Hyena: [Eddie continues falling until Lena Hyena catches him before he hits the ground] My man!

[Gives him a stretching kiss, Eddie tumbles backwards away from her a long way]

Lena Hyena: Come to Lena!

Eddie Valiant: [Starts running towards him, Eddie rips part of a street line and moves it toward a wall which she runs straight into] Toons. Gets 'em every time.

Roger Rabbit: What could have possibly happen to you to turn you into such a sourpuss?

Eddie Valiant: You really want to know? I'll tell you. A toon killed my brother.

Roger Rabbit: A toon? No!

Eddie Valiant: Yes, a toon. We were investigating a robbery at the First National Bank of Toontown. Back in those days, me and Teddy liked working Toontown, thought it was a lot of laughs. Anyway, this guy got away with a zillion simoleons. We trailed him to a little dive down on Yukster Street. We went in. Only he got the drop on us, literally. Dropped a piano on us from fifteen stories. Broke my arm, Teddy never made it. I never did find out who that guy was. All I remember was him standing over me laughing, with those burning red eyes, and that high, squeaky voice. He disappeared into Toontown after that.

Judge Doom: [Explaining his plan to wipe out Toon Town] A few weeks ago I had the good providence to stumble upon a plan of the city council. A construction plan of epic proportions. We're calling it a freeway.

Eddie Valiant: Freeway? What the hell's a freeway?

Judge Doom: Eight lanes of shimmering cement running from here to Pasadena. Smooth, safe, fast. Traffic jams will be a thing of the past.

Eddie Valiant: [Roger managed to slip his arm out of the Handcuffs he and Eddie were attached to] You mean you could've taken your hand out of that cuff at any time?

Roger Rabbit: No, not at any time, only when it was funny.

[Bongo catches Eddie spying on Jessica]

Bongo: What do you think you're doing, chump?

Eddie Valiant: Who are you callin' a chump, chimp?

[Picks up Eddie and carries him to the backstage door]

Bongo: GRRRR!

[Throws Eddie into the garbage]

Eddie Valiant: AAAHH-OOF!

Bongo: Don't let me catch your peepin' face around here again. Got it? GRR!

[Slams door]

Eddie Valiant: OOGA-BOOGA!

Roger Rabbit: Say, Eddie. That sure was a funny dance you did for the weasels. Do you think your days of being a sourpuss are over?

Eddie Valiant: Only time will tell.

Roger Rabbit: Yeah, well... put 'er there, pal.

[They shake hands; Eddie gets shocked by buzzer on Roger's hand; he glowers at Roger]

Roger Rabbit: Don't tell me you lost your sense of humor already?

Eddie Valiant: [Grabbing Roger by the throat] Does this answer your question?

[Eddie kisses Roger in the mouth]

Eddie Valiant: So that's why you killed Acme and Maroon? For this freeway? I don't get it.

Judge Doom: Of course not. You lack vision, but I see a place where people get on and off the freeway. On and off, off and on all day, all night. Soon, where Toon Town once stood will be a string of gas stations, inexpensive motels, restaurants that serve rapidly prepared food. Tire salons, automobile dealerships and wonderful, wonderful billboards reaching as far as the eye can see. My God, it'll be beautiful.

Angelo: So who's your client, Mr. Detective-to-the-Stars? Chilly Willy? Or Screwy Squirrel?

Dolores: What'll it be?

Angelo: I'll have a beer, doll. So what happened, huh? Somebody kidnapped Dinky Doodle?

Dolores: Cut it out, Angelo.

Angelo: No, wait a minute, wait a minute, I've got it. You're working for Little Bo Peep. She's lost her sheep, and you're gonna help her find them, huh?

[Angelo laughs. Eddie kicks Angelo's seat out from under him and grabs him by the neck]

Eddie Valiant: Get this straight, meatball. I... don't... work... for toons.

[Eddie stuff a hard-boiled egg in Angelo's mouth and storms off]

Angelo: [spits out the egg] So, what's his problem?

Dolores: A toon killed his brother

Angelo: What?

Dolores: Dropped a piano on his head.

Angelo: Hey, I seen a rabbit.

[Roger gasps]

Eddie Valiant: Ya see?

Judge Doom: Where?

Angelo: He's right here in the bar.

[puts his arm around Harvey the Invisible Rabbit]

Angelo: Say hello... Harvey.

[the whole bar erupts in laughter]

Roger Rabbit: I told you so.

Eddie Valiant: What's that?

Lt. Santino: Remember how they always thought there wasn't a way to kill a toon? Well, Doom found a way. Turpentine, acetone, benzene. He calls it "The Dip."

Judge Doom: I'll catch the rabbit, Mr. Valiant. And I'll try him, convict him, and execute him.

[dips shoe in poison, and cremation smoke starts sizzling out]

Eddie Valiant: Geez.

Greasy: [laughs] That's one dead shoe, eh, boss?

Judge Doom: They're not kid gloves, Mr. Valiant. This is how we handle things down in Toontown. I would think you of all people would appreciate that.

Eddie Valiant: Nice monkey suit.

Bongo: Wise ass.

Eddie Valiant: Seriously, what do you see in that guy?

Jessica Rabbit: He makes me laugh.

[Eddie sneaks up on Maroon]

Eddie Valiant: What's up, Doc?

R.K. Maroon: Valiant, are you trying to give me a heart attack?

Eddie Valiant: You need a heart, before you can have an attack.

R.K. Maroon: Yeah, yeah. You got the will?

Eddie Valiant: Sure. I got the will. Question is, do you have the way? I can tell you now it ain't gonna come cheap.

Betty Boop: Cigars? Cigarettes?... Eddie Valiant!

Eddie Valiant: [turns around] Betty!

Betty Boop: Long time, no see!

Eddie Valiant: What are you doing here?

Betty Boop: Work's been kinda slow since cartoons went to color. But I still got it, Eddie! "Boop-boop-be-doop-*boop*!"

Eddie Valiant: [grins] Yeah. You still got it.

Eddie Valiant: Dolores, you need to find yourself a good man.

Dolores: But I already have a good man.

[they are about to kiss when Roger sighs - they turn to him]

Roger Rabbit: P-p-please, don't mind me.

Roger Rabbit: Jeepers, Eddie. That was swell. You saved my life. How can I ever repay ya?

[kisses Eddie, Eddie pulls away]

Eddie Valiant: For starters, don't ever kiss me again.

Eddie Valiant: A ladies' man, eh?

Baby Herman: The problem is I got a fifty year old lust and a three year old dinky. Look, Valiant, the rabbit didn't kill Acme. He's not a murderer, I should know, he's a dear friend of mine. I tell ya Valiant, the whole thing stinks like yesterday's diapers. Look at this. The papers said Acme left no will.

[Tosses Eddie a Newspaper which shows Marvin Acme with a will in the pocket of his shirt]

Baby Herman: That's a load of succotash. Any toon knows Acme had a will. He promised to leave Toontown to us toons. That will is the real reason he got bumped off.

Eddie Valiant: Has anyone ever seen this will?

Baby Herman: Ah, no. But he gave us his solemn oath.

Eddie Valiant: If you think that guy could do anything solemn, the gag's on you, pal.

Baby Herman: I just thought that since you were the one who got my pal in trouble, you might wanna help get him out. I can pay ya.

Eddie Valiant: [angry] Save your money for a pair of elevator shoes!

[pushes stroller]

Baby Herman: Hey hey hay, Valiant, wait!

[cigar falls to floor as stroller hits woman]

Baby Herman: My stogie!

[sees ruined cigar]

Baby Herman: WAAAAAAAA-HAHAHAHAAAAAA! WAAAAAAAAAAAAH! WAAAAAA...

Eddie Valiant: Wait a minute. Wait a minute. You mean to tell me that in a fit of jealousy you wrote your wife a love letter?

Roger Rabbit: That's right! I knew that she was just an innocent victim of circumstance.

Eddie Valiant: I suppose you used the old lipstick on the mirror routine.

Roger Rabbit: Lipstick, yes. Mirror, no. I found a nice, clean piece of paper.

[reading]

Roger Rabbit: "Dear Jessica: How do I love thee? Let me count the ways. One one-thousand. Two one-thousand. Three one-thousand. Four one-thousand. Five...?

Eddie Valiant: Say, Roger. That letter you wrote to your wife at the Ink and Paint Club? Why don't you read it to her now?

Roger Rabbit: Sure thing, Eddie. "Dear Jessica: How do I love thee? Let me count the ways. I, Marvin Acme, of sound mind and body...? It's the will!

Eddie Valiant: Keep reading.

Roger Rabbit: "... do hereby bequeath, in perpetuity, the property known as Toontown, to those lovable characters, the toons"!

Jessica Rabbit: [Aims a gun at Eddie Valiant] Valiant.

Eddie Valiant: I always knew I'd get it in Toontown.

[as he turns around, A shadow of Judge Doom with a gun appears on the wall]

Jessica Rabbit: Behind you!

[Shoots at the shadow; it falls back and the gun drops on the floor]

Eddie Valiant: Drop it, lady!

Jessica Rabbit: I just saved your life, and you still don't trust me?

Eddie Valiant: I don't trust anybody or anything!

Jessica Rabbit: Not even your own eyes?

[Points at the gun on the floor]

Jessica Rabbit: That's the gun that killed R.K. Maroon, and Doom pulled the trigger.

Eddie Valiant: Doom?

Jessica Rabbit: I tracked him to the studio, but I was too late to stop him.

Judge Doom: [Running down the alley] That's right! You'll never stop me! You're dead! You're both dead!

Eddie Valiant: Doom!

[Shoots from his toon gun; Doom turns right and the bullets stop in mid air]

Bullet #3: Which way did he go?

Bullet #2: I don't know. He went thataway.

Bullet #3: Let's go.

[They turn left, the wrong way]

Eddie Valiant: Dum-dums.

Eddie Valiant: Here's to the pencil pushers. May they all get lead poisoning.

[Eddie is about to pick up the hand buzzer that fell off of Acme's corpse when Judge Doom stops him with his cane]

Judge Doom: Is this man removing evidence from the scene of the crime?

Lt. Santino: Ah, no, Judge Doom. Valiant here was just picking it up for you. Weren't you, Eddie?

Judge Doom: Hand it over.

Eddie Valiant: Sure.

[zaps Doom with buzzer]

Eddie Valiant: Their number one seller.

Judge Doom: I see working for a toon has rubbed off on you.

Eddie Valiant: I wasn't working for a toon. I was working for R.K. Maroon.

Judge Doom: Yes, we talked to Mr. Maroon. He told us the rabbit became quite agitated when you showed him the pictures. The rabbit said one way or another he and his wife were going to be happy. Is that true?

Eddie Valiant: Bah! What do I look like? A stenographer?

Lt. Santino: Shut your yap, Eddie. The man's a judge.

Judge Doom: That's all right, Lieutenant. From the smell of him, I'd say it was the booze talking.

Eddie Valiant: What's with him?

Betty Boop: Mr. Acme never misses a night when Jessica performs.

Eddie Valiant: Got a thing for rabbits, huh?

[Eddie Valiant sits down at the Ink and Paint Club; Marvin Acme squirts ink from his pen on Eddie's shirt and laughs]

Eddie Valiant: You think that's funny?

Marvin Acme: It's a panic!

Eddie Valiant: [grabs Acme by the lapels] You won't think it's funny when I stick that pen up your nose!

Marvin Acme: Now, calm down, son, will ya? Look, the stain is gone. It's disappearing ink.

[the stain fades away]

Marvin Acme: No hard feelings, I hope. Listen, I'm...

Eddie Valiant: I know who you are. Marvin Acme, The guy that owns Toontown, the Gag King.

Marvin Acme: If it's Acme, it's a gasser. Put 'er there, pal.

[shakes hands with Eddie, who feels a shock]

Marvin Acme: The hand buzzer. Still our biggest seller.

R.K. Maroon: How much do you know about show business, Mr. Valiant?

Eddie Valiant: Only that there is no business like it, no business I know.

R.K. Maroon: Yeah. And there's no business more expensive. I'm 25 grand over budget on the latest Baby Herman cartoon. You've seen the rabbit blowing his lines. He can't keep his mind on his job. You know why?

Eddie Valiant: One too many refrigerators dropped on his head?

R.K. Maroon: Nah, he's a toon. You can drop anything you want on his head, he'll shake it off. But break his heart, goes to pieces just like you and me.

Judge Doom: You wouldn't have any idea where the rabbit might be, Mr. Valiant?

Eddie Valiant: Have you tried Walla Walla? Cucamonga? I hear Kokomo's very nice this time of the year.

Judge Doom: I'm surprised you're not more cooperative, Mr. Valiant. A human has been murdered by a toon. Don't you appreciate the magnitude of that?

Lt. Santino: [Waking Eddie up, who fell asleep in his Office] Gee whiz, Eddie, if you really needed money so bad, then why didn't you come to me?

Eddie Valiant: So I took a couple of dirty pictures, kill me.

Lt. Santino: I've already got a stiff on my hands, thank you.

Eddie Valiant: Huh?

Lt. Santino: Marvin Acme. The rabbit cacked him last night.

Smart Ass: [From outside Eddie's Office] Don't make us play rough, Valiant. We just want the rabbit.

Roger Rabbit: What are we gonna do, Eddie? What are we gonna do, Eddie? What are we gonna do?

Eddie Valiant: What's all this "we" stuff? They just want the rabbit.

R.K. Maroon: [Ducking under the curtains] Kinda jumpy, aren't you, Mr. Valiant? It's just Dumbo.

Eddie Valiant: I KNOW who it is.

[Maroon opens the window]

R.K. Maroon: I got him on loan from Disney - him and half the cast of Fantasia. The best part is, they work for peanuts.

[Throws peanuts to Dumbo, who flies off]

[Eddie is hiding Roger and the handcuffs in his sink, to hide him from the Toon Patrol]

Smart Ass: Okay, wise-guy. Where's the rabbit?

Eddie Valiant: Haven't seen 'im.

Smart Ass: [sniffs suspiciously at the sink] What's in there?

Eddie Valiant: [holds up a dirty sock] My lingerie.

Smart Ass: [yelps, winces, and covers his nose] I see, Valiant.

[Eddie is hanging on to a flagpole with Tweety Bird's nest on top]

Tweety: Oh, wook, piddies!

Eddie Valiant: Hi, Tweety.

Tweety: This wittle piddy went to market.

[lifts one of Eddie's fingers from the pole]

Tweety: This wittle piddy stayed home.

[lifts another one]

Eddie Valiant: No.

Tweety: This wittle piddy had woast beef...

[lifts another one]

Tweety: [wincing] And *this* wittle piddy - had...

[Eddie falls]

Tweety: [sadly] Uh-oh, wan outta piddies.

Roger Rabbit: Hide me Eddie... PLLLEASE.

[Jumps into the Drawers]

Roger Rabbit: Remember you never saw me.

Eddie Valiant: GET OUT OF THERE.

Lt. Santino: Judge Doom killed Marvin Acme.

Eddie Valiant: And R.K. Maroon. And my brother.

Lt. Santino: Now that's what I call one seriously disturbed toon.

Dolores: [Ripping the Toon Kiss mark from Jessica off Eddie's face] Do you wanna tell me what she was doing with her arms around you?

Eddie Valiant: Probably looking for a good place to stick a knife!

Dolores: Come on, Eddie! I caught you with your pants down!

Benny the Cab: [after being released from the Toon Patrol's vehicle] Ah, that's better. I can't believe they locked me up for driving on the sidewalk.

Roger Rabbit: Come on, Eddie, get in!

Benny the Cab: It was only a couple of MILES.

Eddie Valiant: I'll drive.

Roger Rabbit: But I wanna drive.

Benny the Cab: No. I'LL drive, I'M the cab! Outta my way, pencil neck!

Judge Doom: You see, Mr. Valiant, the successful conclusion of this case draws the curtain on my career as a jurist in Toontown. I'm retiring, taking a new role in the private sector.

Eddie Valiant: That wouldn't be Cloverleaf Industries, by any chance?

Judge Doom: You're looking at the sole stockholder.

Eddie Valiant: Scotch on the rocks... and I MEAN ICE!

Jessica Rabbit: Well, we're not going anywhere in my car. Let's take yours.

Eddie Valiant: I have a feeling someone already did.

Jessica Rabbit: From the looks of it I'd say it was Roger. My honey bunny was never very good behind the wheel.

Eddie Valiant: Better lover than a driver, huh?

Jessica Rabbit: You'd better believe it, buster.

R.K. Maroon: Roger, I know this seems pretty painful now, but you'll find someone new. Won't he, Mr. Valiant?

Eddie Valiant: Good looking guy like that? Dames will be breaking his doors down.

Roger Rabbit: Dames? What dames?

[Angrily grabbing Eddie by the lapels]

Roger Rabbit: Jessica's the only one for me. You'll see. We'll rise above this piddling pecadillo. We're gonna be happy again. You got that? Happy. Capital H-A-P-P-I.

[Runs through window]

Eddie Valiant: At least he took it well.

[Eddie gets $50 for a $100 job]

Eddie Valiant: Where's the other fifty?

R.K. Maroon: Let's call the other fifty a carrot to finish the job.

Eddie Valiant: You've been hanging around rabbits too long.

Dolores: Tomorrow's Friday, Eddie. You know what happens here on Friday?

Eddie Valiant: Fish special?

Dolores: Well, my boss checks the books on Friday. And if I don't have that money I gave you back in the till, I'm gonna lose my job.

Eddie Valiant: Don't bust a button, Dolores.

[extracts his $50 check]

Eddie Valiant: You've only got one left.

R.K. Maroon: [Being Interrogated by Eddie, to make him talk] What are you gonna do to me, Valiant?

Eddie Valiant: I'm gonna listen to you spin the Cloverleaf scenario. The story of greed, sex and murder. And the parts that I don't like, I'm gonna edit out.

R.K. Maroon: You got it all wrong, Valiant. I'm a cartoon maker, not a murderer.

Eddie Valiant: Everybody's gotta have a hobby.

Bongo: Got the password?

Eddie Valiant: Walt sent me.

Smart Ass: Look, Valiant, we got a reliable tip-off. The rabbit was here. It was corrugated by several others. So cut the "bull-shtick"!

Eddie Valiant: You keep talkin' like that, and I'm gonna have to wash your mouth out!

[he sticks a bar of soap in Smart Ass's mouth, making the other weasels laugh]

Eddie Valiant: This singing ain't my line / It's hard to make a rhyme / If I get stuck, I'm... I'm out of luck, and... and...

Jessica Rabbit: I'm running out of time!

Eddie Valiant: Thanks.

Eddie Valiant: I'm glad Teddy isn't here to see me running with my tail between my legs.

Roger Rabbit: It's not so bad, once you get used to it.

Eddie Valiant: Weren't you the one I caught playing pattycake with old man Acme?

Jessica Rabbit: You didn't catch me, Mr. Valiant. You were set up to take those pictures.

Eddie Valiant: What are you talking about?

Jessica Rabbit: Maroon wanted to blackmail Acme. I didn't want to have anything to do with it, but he said that if I didn't pose for those pattycake pictures, Roger would never work in this town again. I couldn't let that happen. I'd do anything for my husband, Mr. Valiant. Anything.

[Presses her chest against Eddie's with a "thump"]

Eddie Valiant: What a wife.

Eddie Valiant: Forget it. I don't work Toontown.

R.K. Maroon: What's wrong with Toontown? Every Joe loves Toontown.

Eddie Valiant: Then get Joe to do the job, 'cause I ain't going.

Roger Rabbit: No! Not my Jessica! Not pattycake! It can't be! It just can't be! Jessica's my wife! It's absolutely impossible! Jessica's the love of my life. The apple of my eye. The cream in my coffee.

Eddie Valiant: Well you better start drinking it black, Acme's taking the cream now.

Eddie Valiant: So why come to me? I'm the one who took the pictures of your wife.

Roger Rabbit: Yeah, and you're also the one who helped all these toons. Everyone knows that when a toon's in trouble, there's only one place to go: Valiant & Valiant.

Eddie Valiant: Not anymore.

[as Doom is searching for Roger by tapping "Shave and a Haircut"]

Eddie Valiant: I don't know who's toonier, you or Doom.

[Roger's teeth chatter, as he tries to resist Judge Doom's tapping]

R.K. Maroon: [Pulls a gun on Eddie] Let me see that will.

Eddie Valiant: I told you, I got it.

R.K. Maroon: I wanna see it now!

[Grabs the will from Eddie's coat and reads it]

R.K. Maroon: "How do I love thee, let me count the ways"? Is this supposed to be a joke?

Eddie Valiant: No, this is.

[Squirts seltzer on Maroon, then punches him]

Judge Doom: Have they got the will or not?

Smart Ass: [Holding out Jessica's Love Letter from Roger found in Eddie's pocket] Nah, just a stupid love letter.

Judge Doom: No matter. I doubt the will'll show up in the next fifteen minutes, anyway.

Eddie Valiant: What happens in the next fifteen minutes?

Judge Doom: Toontown will be legally mine, lock, stock and barrel.

Eddie Valiant: Can I borrow your camera? Mine's at the shop.

Dolores: Wouldn't be the pawn shop, by any chance?

Eddie Valiant: C'mon, Dolores. You want the other fifty, I need the camera.

[Dolores hands Eddie the camera]

Eddie Valiant: Any film in there?

Dolores: Should be. Haven't had that film developed since our trip to Catalina. Sure was a long time ago.

Eddie Valiant: Yeah. that was along time ago. We should do that again some time.

Dolores: Yeah, sure, Eddie.

Eddie Valiant: So, how long have you known it was Doom?

Jessica Rabbit: Before poor Marvin was killed, he confided in me that Judge Doom wanted to get his hands on Toontown, and he wouldn't stop at anything.

Eddie Valiant: So he gave you the will for safe keeping.

Jessica Rabbit: That's what he told me, except when I opened the envelope, there was only a blank piece of paper inside.

Eddie Valiant: Ha! A joker to the end.

Eddie Valiant: Everything's funny to you, ain't it, needlenose?

Smart Ass: You got a problem with that, Valiant?

Eddie Valiant: No, I just want you to know something about the guy you're gonna dip.

[Pulls a lever on a calliope, which plays "The Merry-Go-Round Broke Down"]

Eddie Valiant: [singing] Now Roger is his name / Laughter is his game / C'mon you dope, untie his rope / And watch him go insane.

[He starts dancing and tumbling around, as the weasels laugh]

Jessica Rabbit: He's lost his mind.

Roger Rabbit: I don't think so.

Eddie Valiant: The job will cost you a hundred bucks, plus expenses.

R.K. Maroon: A hundred bucks? That's ridiculous!

Eddie Valiant: So's the job.

Kid #3: [Riding on the back of a trolley with Eddie] Hey, mister. Ain't you got a car?

Eddie Valiant: Who needs a car in L.A.? We have the best public transportation system in the world.

Benny the Cab: Pull the lever!

Eddie Valiant: Which one?

Roger Rabbit: Which one?

Benny the Cab: "Which one?"

[a sign pops up on the dashboard reading "This one, stupid!"]

Roger Rabbit: Listen, my philosophy is this: If you don't have a good sense of humor, you're better off dead.

Eddie Valiant: You might just get your wish if we don't find out what happened to this.

[Tosses a photo at Dolores]

Roger Rabbit: What is it, Eddie?

Eddie Valiant: Just look at it.

[the photo is an enlargement of one of the photos of Acme and Jessica, with a paper in Acme's coat pocket circled]

Roger Rabbit: Mister Acme's will!

Eddie Valiant: Yeah, and I think Acme took the part of sound mind, and your wife of sound body.

Roger Rabbit: Why, I resent that innuendo!

Jessica Rabbit: Uh-oh. It's the weasels! This way. We'll take Gingerbread Lane.

Eddie Valiant: No, no! Gingerbread Lane's this way!

[Points with his thumb; suddenly, Benny the Cab appears in front of them]

Benny the Cab: So, Valiant, you call a cab or what?

[Sees Jessica]

Benny the Cab: Hubba, hubba, hubba!

[Opens the door for her]

Benny the Cab: Allow me, mademoiselle.

R.K. Maroon: [Eddie has him with his tie caught in the Movieola, and is threathening to strangle him unless he tells him about Cloverleaf's involvement in the Acme murder] Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! The truth is, I had a chance to sell my studio. But Cloverleaf wouldn't buy my property unless Acme sold them his. The stubborn bastard wouldn't sell, so I was going to blackmail him with pictures of him and the rabbit's wife. Blackmail, that's all! I've been around toons all my life! I didn't want to see them destroyed!

Eddie Valiant: Toons destroyed? Why?

R.K. Maroon: If I tell you, I'm a dead man.

Eddie Valiant: You're a dead man if you don't tell me.

R.K. Maroon: Unless Acme's will shows by midnight tonight, Toontown's gonna be land for the free...

[is shot in the back by someone outside the window]

Roger Rabbit: [Crying] No wonder you hate me. If a toon killed my brother, I'd hate me too.

Eddie Valiant: Come on, don't cry. I don't hate you.

Roger Rabbit: Yes, you do.

Eddie Valiant: No, I don't.

Roger Rabbit: You do hate me. Otherwise, you wouldn't have yanked my ears all those times.

Eddie Valiant: Well, I'm... I'm sorry I yanked your ears.

Roger Rabbit: All the times you yanked my ears?

Eddie Valiant: All the times I yanked your ears.

Bullet #1: What in Sam Hill?

Bullet #2: Eddie Valiant! Why, you're a sight for sore eyes.

Bullet #1: I ain't seen you nigh onto five years.

Bullet #2: Where've you been?

Eddie Valiant: Drunk. You feeling frisky tonight, fellas?

Bullet #1, Bullet #2: Yeah!

Eddie Valiant: Let's go.

Eddie Valiant: Nobody's gonna drive this lousy freeway when they can take the Red Car for a nickel.

Judge Doom: Oh, they'll drive. They'll have to. You see, I bought the Red Car so I could dismantle it.

[Eddie arrives with Roger at Dolores' store to get the handcuffs removed, and hide Roger from Judge Doom]

Dolores: I thought you said you'd never take another toon case. What did you have a change of heart?

Eddie Valiant: Nothing's changed. Somebody's made a patsy outta me and I'm gonna find out why!

Roger Rabbit: Let's forget it, there's nobody here!

Eddie Valiant: Is that it, or are you scared?

Roger Rabbit: P-p-p-p-please! Me, scared? Don't be ridiculous!

[teeth chatter]

Roger Rabbit: When you called Maroon, you told him you had the will, but you don't. When he finds out, he's gonna be mad! He might try to kill ya.

Eddie Valiant: I can handle a Hollywood cream puff. I just don't want the odds to change. You cover my back. If you hear or see anything, beep the horn twice.

[Eddie goes into Maroon's office]

Roger Rabbit: Yeah, that's it, beep the horn twice. Cover your back. Boy, I'm ready: dukes up, eyes peeled, ears to the ground. Why, nobody gets the drop on Roger Rabbit!

[a frying pan is held above his head from behind; it slams down on his head, knocking the rabbit out cold, after which the assailant drags Roger around behind the wall]

Roger Rabbit: [Emerges from the closet and slaps cuffs on Eddie] Eddie Valiant, you're under arrest! Pbbbbbbbbb...

Eddie Valiant: Get outta there! Idiot, I got no keys for these cuffs!

Jessica Rabbit: Oh, no! Where's Roger?

Eddie Valiant: Roger? He chickened out on me back at the studio.

Jessica Rabbit: No, he didn't. I hit him over the head with a frying pan and stuck him in the trunk. So he wouldn't get hurt.

Eddie Valiant: Makes perfect sense.

Smart Ass: We searched Valiant boss. The will ain't on him.

Judge Doom: Then frisk the woman.

Greasy: *I'll* handle this one...

[He puts his hand down her dress and feels around for a beat before screaming in pain and removing his hand which has been caught by a bear trap]

Eddie Valiant: [to Jessica] Nice booby trap.

[the weasels all laugh at Greasy's misfortune, but Doom glares at them and they stop]

Judge Doom: Do they have the will or not?

Smart Ass: Nah, just a stupid love letter.

Judge Doom: No matter. I doubt that will is going to show up in the next fifteen minutes anyway.

Eddie Valiant: What happens in the next fifteen minutes?

Judge Doom: Toontown will be legally mine, lock, stock and barrel.

Judge Doom: [deleted scene] We'll handle Mr. Valiant our own way: downtown.

Eddie Valiant: Downtown? Fine. I'll just get a hold of Santino. I'll be more than happy to go downtown.

Judge Doom: Oh, I'm not talking about *that* downtown. I'm talking about downtown *Toon*town!

Judge Doom: [deleted scene] Rummaging around in a lady's dressing room? Tsk, tsk, tsk. What were you looking for, Mr. Valiant?

Jessica Rabbit: Last week, some heavy breather wanted one of my nylons as a souvenir.

Eddie Valiant: Look, doll, if I'd wanted underwear, I'd have broken into Frederick's of Hollywood. You know damn well I was looking for Marvin Acme's will.

Judge Doom: Marvin Acme had no will. I should know; the estate's in my jurisdiction.

Eddie Valiant: Oh, there was a will all right. And she and R.K. Maroon killed him for it.

Jessica Rabbit: [offended] That's absurd!

Eddie Valiant: Someone else is in here looking for the will, too. Probably Maroon's flunkies.

[gestures toward the gorilla bouncer]

Eddie Valiant: I would've caught 'em, too, if Cheetah here hadn't have interrupted me!

Eddie Valiant: [to Delores] I'm on the verge of wrapping up this case.

[Judge Doom posts a $10,000 reward for Roger's capture]

Angelo: [whistles, then] Hey! I seen a rabbit.

Judge Doom: Where?

[in the secret room, Eddie turns to Roger]

Eddie Valiant: See?

Judge Doom: *Where*?

Angelo: He's right here in the bar.

[Angelo turns and puts his arm around the empty space above the bar stool next to him]

Angelo: Well, say hello... Harvey.

[the bar erupts into laughter]

Roger Rabbit: [smirks at Eddie] I told ya so.

Eddie Valiant: GET OUT OF THAT CHAIR!... That's my brother's chair.

Roger Rabbit: [looking at photo on desk] Yeah, where is your brother anyway? He looks like a sensitive and... SOBER fellow.

Eddie Valiant: That's it. I'm calling the cops.

Roger Rabbit: [leaving] Go ahead. Call the cops. I come here for help and what do you do? Yo turn me in. No, don't feel guilty about me. So long, and thanks for nothing.

[slams door]

Eddie Valiant: That's the closet! Stupe!