Judge Doom Quotes in Who Framed Roger Rabbit (1988)

[Judge Doom about to "dip" Roger]

Eddie Valiant: Hey, Judge. Doesn't a dying rabbit deserve a last request?

Roger Rabbit: Yeah, nose plugs would be nice.

Eddie Valiant: I think you want a drink. So, how about it, Judge?

Judge Doom: Well, why not? I don't mind prolonging the execution.

Eddie Valiant: Happy trails.

Roger Rabbit: No thanks, Eddie. I'm trying to cut down.

Eddie Valiant: Drink the drink.

Roger Rabbit: But I don't want the drink.

Judge Doom: He doesn't want the drink.

Eddie Valiant: He does.

Roger Rabbit: I don't.

Eddie Valiant: You do.

Roger Rabbit: I don't.

Eddie Valiant: You do.

Roger Rabbit: I don't.

Eddie Valiant: You do.

Roger Rabbit: I don't.

Eddie Valiant: You don't.

Roger Rabbit: I do.

Eddie Valiant: You don't.

Roger Rabbit: I do.

Eddie Valiant: You don't.

Roger Rabbit: [taking drink] Listen, when I say I do, that means I do.

[Roger smokes up, releasing him self from Judge Doom, and Eddie takes out the Weasels]

Eddie Valiant: [after discovering Doom after being flattened by a Steamroller get up and wobbling to his feet] Holy smoke, he's a Toon!

Judge Doom: Surprised?

Eddie Valiant: Not really. That lame-brained freeway idea could only be cooked up by a Toon.

Judge Doom: Not just ANY Toon...

[Doom wobbles over to an oxygen tank, puts the valve in his mouth and turns it on. He inflates back to his old self. His hat flies off and his prosthetic eyeballs pop out. Then he turns menacingly to Eddie, his eyes glowing a grim Toon red. Eddie gasps in terror]

Judge Doom: [voice getting higher, until it reaches a high-pitched squeak] Remember me, Eddie? When I killed your brother, I talked... just... like... THIS!

[eyes pop out in the shape of daggers]

Roger Rabbit: [after bursting in through the drain, holding a gun] Okay, nobody move! All right, you weasels, grab some sky or I let the judge have it. You heard me, I said drop it!

Jessica Rabbit: Roger, darling!

Roger Rabbit: That's right, my dear. I'd love to embrace you, but first, I have to satisfy my sense of moral outrage.

Judge Doom: Put that gun down, you buck-toothed fool!

Roger Rabbit: That's it, Doom. Give me another excuse to pump you full of lead. So you thought you could get away with it, didn't you? Ha! We toons may act idiotic, but we're not stupid. We demand justice. Why, the real meaning of the word probably hits you like a ton of bricks.

[a ton of bricks falls on Roger from above]

Jessica Rabbit: Roger! Roger, say something!

Roger Rabbit: [Stars circle around Roger's head] Look, stars! Ready when you are, Raoul.

Judge Doom: Can you guess what this is?

[Turns tap handle, Dip pours out onto a silver plate]

Jessica Rabbit: Oh my God, it's DIP!

Judge Doom: That's right, my dear! Enough to dip Toon Town off the face of the earth!

[Removes the curtain, revealing a vehicle that contains a tonne of dip stored]

Judge Doom: Vehicle of my own design; 5,000 gallons of heated dip, pumped at enormous velocity through a pressurized water cannon. Toon Town will be erased in a matter of minutes.

Judge Doom: [Explaining his plan to wipe out Toon Town] A few weeks ago I had the good providence to stumble upon a plan of the city council. A construction plan of epic proportions. We're calling it a freeway.

Eddie Valiant: Freeway? What the hell's a freeway?

Judge Doom: Eight lanes of shimmering cement running from here to Pasadena. Smooth, safe, fast. Traffic jams will be a thing of the past.

Judge Doom: [Tapping his cane against the wall] Shave, and a haircut...

[Roger crashes through the wall]

Roger Rabbit: TWO BITS!

[Judge Doom successfully grabs Roger round the neck]

Eddie Valiant: So that's why you killed Acme and Maroon? For this freeway? I don't get it.

Judge Doom: Of course not. You lack vision, but I see a place where people get on and off the freeway. On and off, off and on all day, all night. Soon, where Toon Town once stood will be a string of gas stations, inexpensive motels, restaurants that serve rapidly prepared food. Tire salons, automobile dealerships and wonderful, wonderful billboards reaching as far as the eye can see. My God, it'll be beautiful.

Angelo: Hey, I seen a rabbit.

[Roger gasps]

Eddie Valiant: Ya see?

Judge Doom: Where?

Angelo: He's right here in the bar.

[puts his arm around Harvey the Invisible Rabbit]

Angelo: Say hello... Harvey.

[the whole bar erupts in laughter]

Roger Rabbit: I told you so.

Eddie Valiant: What's that?

Lt. Santino: Remember how they always thought there wasn't a way to kill a toon? Well, Doom found a way. Turpentine, acetone, benzene. He calls it "The Dip."

Judge Doom: I'll catch the rabbit, Mr. Valiant. And I'll try him, convict him, and execute him.

[dips shoe in poison, and cremation smoke starts sizzling out]

Eddie Valiant: Geez.

Greasy: [laughs] That's one dead shoe, eh, boss?

Judge Doom: They're not kid gloves, Mr. Valiant. This is how we handle things down in Toontown. I would think you of all people would appreciate that.

Jessica Rabbit: [Aims a gun at Eddie Valiant] Valiant.

Eddie Valiant: I always knew I'd get it in Toontown.

[as he turns around, A shadow of Judge Doom with a gun appears on the wall]

Jessica Rabbit: Behind you!

[Shoots at the shadow; it falls back and the gun drops on the floor]

Eddie Valiant: Drop it, lady!

Jessica Rabbit: I just saved your life, and you still don't trust me?

Eddie Valiant: I don't trust anybody or anything!

Jessica Rabbit: Not even your own eyes?

[Points at the gun on the floor]

Jessica Rabbit: That's the gun that killed R.K. Maroon, and Doom pulled the trigger.

Eddie Valiant: Doom?

Jessica Rabbit: I tracked him to the studio, but I was too late to stop him.

Judge Doom: [Running down the alley] That's right! You'll never stop me! You're dead! You're both dead!

Eddie Valiant: Doom!

[Shoots from his toon gun; Doom turns right and the bullets stop in mid air]

Bullet #3: Which way did he go?

Bullet #2: I don't know. He went thataway.

Bullet #3: Let's go.

[They turn left, the wrong way]

Eddie Valiant: Dum-dums.

[Eddie is about to pick up the hand buzzer that fell off of Acme's corpse when Judge Doom stops him with his cane]

Judge Doom: Is this man removing evidence from the scene of the crime?

Lt. Santino: Ah, no, Judge Doom. Valiant here was just picking it up for you. Weren't you, Eddie?

Judge Doom: Hand it over.

Eddie Valiant: Sure.

[zaps Doom with buzzer]

Eddie Valiant: Their number one seller.

Judge Doom: I see working for a toon has rubbed off on you.

Eddie Valiant: I wasn't working for a toon. I was working for R.K. Maroon.

Judge Doom: Yes, we talked to Mr. Maroon. He told us the rabbit became quite agitated when you showed him the pictures. The rabbit said one way or another he and his wife were going to be happy. Is that true?

Eddie Valiant: Bah! What do I look like? A stenographer?

Lt. Santino: Shut your yap, Eddie. The man's a judge.

Judge Doom: That's all right, Lieutenant. From the smell of him, I'd say it was the booze talking.

Judge Doom: You wouldn't have any idea where the rabbit might be, Mr. Valiant?

Eddie Valiant: Have you tried Walla Walla? Cucamonga? I hear Kokomo's very nice this time of the year.

Judge Doom: I'm surprised you're not more cooperative, Mr. Valiant. A human has been murdered by a toon. Don't you appreciate the magnitude of that?

Judge Doom: [while putting on a large black rubber glove] Since I've had Toontown under my jurisdiction my goal has been to reign in the insanity, and the only way to do that is to make Toons respect...

[lets the glove snap back onto his arm]

Judge Doom: ... the law.

Judge Doom: You see, Mr. Valiant, the successful conclusion of this case draws the curtain on my career as a jurist in Toontown. I'm retiring, taking a new role in the private sector.

Eddie Valiant: That wouldn't be Cloverleaf Industries, by any chance?

Judge Doom: You're looking at the sole stockholder.

Smart Ass: Say, Judge. You want we should disresemble the place?

Judge Doom: No, Sergeant. Disassembling the place won't be necessary. The rabbit is going to come right to me.

[Doom taps "Shave and a Haircut" on counter]

Judge Doom: No toon can resist the old Shave-and-a-Haircut trick.

[Continues tapping]

Judge Doom: I'm looking for a murderer. A rabbit. A toon rabbit...

[goes over to midget drinker and presses down on him and the midget squats]

Judge Doom: about YEEEEAAAA... big.

Dolores: Well look, there's no Rabbit here. So don't come in here harrassing my customers.

Judge Doom: I didn't come here to harrass. I came here to reward.

Smart Ass: Hey Judge, what should we do with the wallflower?

[referring to Eddie who is now visible through the hole in the wall]

Judge Doom: [holding Roger by the neck] We'll settle with him later. Right now, I feel like dispensing some justice. Bring me some dip.

Judge Doom: [picks up the record from the record player - reads] "Merry-Go-Round Broke Down". What a looney selection for a group of drunken reprobates.

[all the drinkers turn away and cough - Doom sniffs the record]

Judge Doom: HE'S HERE!

[throws record like a Frisbee into Stupid's mouth; the other weasels laugh]

Judge Doom: Stop that laughing!

[Hits Smart Ass with his cane]

Judge Doom: Have you forgotten what happened last time? If you don't stop that laughing, you're going to end up dead just like your idiot hyena cousins!

Judge Doom: Have they got the will or not?

Smart Ass: [Holding out Jessica's Love Letter from Roger found in Eddie's pocket] Nah, just a stupid love letter.

Judge Doom: No matter. I doubt the will'll show up in the next fifteen minutes, anyway.

Eddie Valiant: What happens in the next fifteen minutes?

Judge Doom: Toontown will be legally mine, lock, stock and barrel.

[Doom pours a canister of dip onto the road, which Benny with Eddie and Jessica drives into, and crashes into a Lamppost]

Judge Doom: What an unfortunate accident. Nothing more treacherous than a slippery road, especially when driving in a maniacal toon vehicle.

Jessica Rabbit: I suppose you think no one's going to notice Toontown's disappeared?

Judge Doom: Who's got time to wonder what happened to some ridiculous talking mice when they're driving by at 75 miles an hour?

Jessica Rabbit: What're you talking about? There's no road past Toontown.

Eddie Valiant: Nobody's gonna drive this lousy freeway when they can take the Red Car for a nickel.

Judge Doom: Oh, they'll drive. They'll have to. You see, I bought the Red Car so I could dismantle it.

Smart Ass: We searched Valiant boss. The will ain't on him.

Judge Doom: Then frisk the woman.

Greasy: *I'll* handle this one...

[He puts his hand down her dress and feels around for a beat before screaming in pain and removing his hand which has been caught by a bear trap]

Eddie Valiant: [to Jessica] Nice booby trap.

[the weasels all laugh at Greasy's misfortune, but Doom glares at them and they stop]

Judge Doom: Do they have the will or not?

Smart Ass: Nah, just a stupid love letter.

Judge Doom: No matter. I doubt that will is going to show up in the next fifteen minutes anyway.

Eddie Valiant: What happens in the next fifteen minutes?

Judge Doom: Toontown will be legally mine, lock, stock and barrel.

Judge Doom: [Explains his plan to Summon Roger] No Toon can resist the old shave-and-a-haircut trick...

Judge Doom: [deleted scene] We'll handle Mr. Valiant our own way: downtown.

Eddie Valiant: Downtown? Fine. I'll just get a hold of Santino. I'll be more than happy to go downtown.

Judge Doom: Oh, I'm not talking about *that* downtown. I'm talking about downtown *Toon*town!

Judge Doom: [deleted scene] Rummaging around in a lady's dressing room? Tsk, tsk, tsk. What were you looking for, Mr. Valiant?

Jessica Rabbit: Last week, some heavy breather wanted one of my nylons as a souvenir.

Eddie Valiant: Look, doll, if I'd wanted underwear, I'd have broken into Frederick's of Hollywood. You know damn well I was looking for Marvin Acme's will.

Judge Doom: Marvin Acme had no will. I should know; the estate's in my jurisdiction.

Eddie Valiant: Oh, there was a will all right. And she and R.K. Maroon killed him for it.

Jessica Rabbit: [offended] That's absurd!

Eddie Valiant: Someone else is in here looking for the will, too. Probably Maroon's flunkies.

[gestures toward the gorilla bouncer]

Eddie Valiant: I would've caught 'em, too, if Cheetah here hadn't have interrupted me!

[Judge Doom posts a $10,000 reward for Roger's capture]

Angelo: [whistles, then] Hey! I seen a rabbit.

Judge Doom: Where?

[in the secret room, Eddie turns to Roger]

Eddie Valiant: See?

Judge Doom: *Where*?

Angelo: He's right here in the bar.

[Angelo turns and puts his arm around the empty space above the bar stool next to him]

Angelo: Well, say hello... Harvey.

[the bar erupts into laughter]

Roger Rabbit: [smirks at Eddie] I told ya so.