Big Joe Quotes in Kick-Ass (2010)

[Chris hands his father a list]

Frank D'Amico: What's this?

Chris D'Amico: That's everything I need. And you may have to screw someone over. Like Louie...

Big Joe: Louie? Whoa, Chris.

Chris D'Amico: Or somebody, it doesn't have to be Louie.

Big Joe: Tony.

Chris D'Amico: Tony!

Frank D'Amico: Tony?

Chris D'Amico: I've always hated Tony.

Big Joe: Yeah, fuck Tony. He's a scumbag.

Frank D'Amico: Tony.

[hands the paper back]

Judge Dredd: Citizens of Peach Trees. This is the law. Disperse immediately, or we will use lethal force to clear the area. You have been warned. You now have 20 seconds to comply.

Big Joe: It's you doing the complying, Judge. There's 10 of use, only two of you. Why don't you step out from behind that doorway or we'll gonna blow the fuck out of you.

Judge Dredd: Ten seconds to comply.

Japhet: Fuck you, Judge.

Big Joe: You got five.

Judge Dredd: Thanks for the heads up.

Kelly: Well Oddball, what do you think?

Oddball: It's a wasted trip baby. Nobody said nothing about locking horns with no Tigers.

Big Joe: Hey look, you just keep them Tigers busy and we'll take care of the rest.

Oddball: The only way I got to keep them Tigers busy is to LET THEM SHOOT HOLES IN ME!

Crapgame: Hey, Oddball, this is your hour of glory. And you're chickening out!

Oddball: To a New Yorker like you, a hero is some type of weird sandwich, not some nut who takes on three Tigers.

Kelly: Nobody's asking you to be a hero.

Oddball: No? Then YOU sit up in that turret baby.

Kelly: No, because you're gonna be up there, baby, and I'll be right outside showing you which way to go.

Oddball: Yeah?

Kelly: Yeah.

Oddball: Crazy... I mean like, so many positive waves... maybe we can't lose, you're on!

Oddball: Hi, man.

Big Joe: What are you doing?

Oddball: I'm drinking wine and eating cheese, and catching some rays, you know.

Big Joe: What's happening?

Oddball: Well, the tank's broke and they're trying to fix it.

Big Joe: Well, then, why the hell aren't you up there helping them?

Oddball: [chuckles] I only ride 'em, I don't know what makes 'em work.

Big Joe: Christ!

Oddball: Definitely an antisocial type. Woof, woof, woof! That's my other dog imitation.

Pvt. Little Joe: Kelly's even got us armor support.

Big Joe: [facing Kelly] What armor?

Crapgame: [interrupting] Three Shermans from the 321st.

Big Joe: [still facing Kelly] Who's in command?

Crapgame: It's a top line outfit, I personally recommend these guys.

Big Joe: [turning to Crapgame] Now you butt out, hustler, the only time you come out of the ground is when you smell a profit.

Crapgame: Oh, yeah, well I'm comin' out now, because Kelly's got the perfect caper.

Big Joe: Sure for you it's a vacation. Six days out of seven you're behind the lines, we're at the broken end of a bottle all the time, so you, BUTT OUT!

[turning back to Kelly]

Big Joe: Who's in command?

Kelly: A guy named Oddball.

Big Joe: Oddball! He's a freak!

Kelly: He's got three Shermans all ready to go.

Big Joe: What kind of a guarantee is that? "He's ready to go." He's a nut!

Pvt. Jonesey: Well we're all nuts, or we wouldn't be here!

[the lone obstacle to the sought-after gold is a solitary tank guarding the bank]

Crapgame: Then make a DEAL!

Big Joe: What kind of deal?

Crapgame: A DEAL, deal! Maybe the guy's a Republican. "Business is business," right?

Big Joe: According to this map, we got a river to cross before we get into this town of yours.

Kelly: Yeah, well there's a bridge right here, six miles out.

Big Joe: There was a bridge. The Air Corps knocked every bridge out of that river months ago.

Kelly: A-ah. Intelligence reports that the Air Corps knocking'em out by day and the Germans rebuilding'em by night. Now all we have to do is get there tomorrow morning at dawn, and we got ourselves a bridge.

Big Joe: Oh, how about the German Army? Do you think they'd mind us crossing their bridge, eh Kelly?

Kelly: Probably.

Big Joe: ...There's no booze, there's no broads, there's no action!

Captain Maitland: That's another thing - don't fool around with the women. Their husbands carry guns. And don't forget, the penalty for looting is death.

Big Joe: Loot what? There's nothing here to loot!

Big Joe: [shouting in the radio] Look, Mulligan! I don't think I'm getting through to you! You're dropping your damn barrage on our position! The reason you can't hear me is because you're firing your mortars at your end, and they're dropping here, on our end! No, the Krauts are not here! We're here! Mulligan, your bombs are coming down on our head! I don't know where the Krauts are! Just lift your goddamn barrage! Over!

Big Joe: [shouting to the captured German Colonel] Look! We're not worried about the German army, we've got enough troubles of our own. To the right General Patton, to the left the British Army, to the rear our own goddamn artillery, and besides all that it's raining. And the only good thing to say about the weather: it keeps our air corps from blowing us all to Hell because its too lousy to fly, versteh?

Col. Dumpkopf: [he understands] Ja, ja, versteh.

Big Joe: OK.

[confronting the Tiger tank commander]

Big Joe: Look, Mac, you and us? We're just soldiers, right? We don't even know what this war's all about. All we do is we fight and we die and for what? We don't get anything out of it. In about a half an hour the whole American army's gonna be comin' down that road. Why don't you do yourself a great, big fat favor, huh? And get the hell outta here?

German tank commander: I have orders. This bank isn't to fall into the hands of the American army.

Kelly: Sergeant, this bank's not gonna fall into the hands of the American army. It's gonna fall in our hands. You see, we're just a private enterprise operation.

German tank commander: You... the American army!

Oddball: No, baby, we ain't.

Crapgame: [Crapgame finds a mine in the minefield] Hey! I found one!

Big Joe: What kind is it?

Crapgame: The kind that blows up! How the Hell do I know what kind it is?

Big Joe: I thought I told you to bring me some good-looking kid, not this fat, sausage-chewing wino!

Kelly: Well, if you were looking for a young boy, you should have sent somebody else, Joe.

Big Joe: If I hear any more threats against Captain Maitland's life, if I hear any more wild talk about going down to headquarters and killing the General, or raping the nurses at the field hospital, I'm going to strangle the guy with my bare hands! You understand that?

Big Joe: Take that underwear off your head, enh? Enough is enough.

Pvt. Petuko: [running into camp after the air attack] Hey, what happened Joe?

Big Joe: What happened? Where the hell have you been?

Pvt. Petuko: [whispering] I had to go!

Big Joe: [shoves Petuko away] We all have to go!

Pvt. Willard: Big Joe, do I gotta carry all this equipment, and this satchel charge, and this .30-caliber machine gun too?

Big Joe: Nah, give the .30-caliber to the hustler. He wants to be a hero.

[Willard and Cowboy share a chuckle before Willard brings the machine gun to Crapgame]

Pvt. Willard: Here ya are, ol' buddy.

[walks away laughing]

Crapgame: Thanks! Get yourself a bucket of grits!

Big Joe: If I hear any more threats against Capt Maitland's life. If I hear any more wild talk about going to headquarters and killing the general, or raping the nurses at the field hospital I'm gonna strangle the guy with my bare hands! You understand that?

Big Joe: Now when I come back, I want that farmhouse not only clean but completely decorated. Do you understand that?

Pvt. Little Joe: It's Mulligan.

Big Joe: It's Mulligan! What the hell does he want?

Pvt. Little Joe: He says he's sorry.

Big Joe: [muttering] Sorry son of a bitch.

[exits]

Pvt. Little Joe: [into the radio] Mulligan, Big Joe's a little upset right now, I think maybe you should leave town... Get out of the neighborhood... Right.

Big Joe: [a mortar round lands close, covering everyone in dust]

[muttering]

Big Joe: Mulligan, you son of a bitch...

Big Joe: [to Pvt. Little Joe] Shut up you pain in the ass!

Big Joe: I'm going to Battalion to see if I can get some dirty movies...

Big Joe: Move it, Petuko, move it!

Pvt. Petuko: Don't forget about the broads!

Big Joe: [referring to Kelly] Oooo, that nut has gotta be nuts.

Oddball: [Talking to German tank officer] You know what's inside that bank, man? There's 16 million dollars worth of gold in the bank, sweetheart. Mm-hm, mm-hm.

[Tank officer's eyes grow wide]

Big Joe: That's about 65 million marks.

Kelly: And sergeant, all you have to do to have an equal share of this money is crank this turret around and blow a hole in that door.

[Points to bank]

Big Joe: I'd like to get my hands around the throat of the son of a bitch that told me to go west.

Big Joe: [Talking to the posse that's about to hang him] I'll tell ya boys... I'm the oldest whore on the block.

Hobbs: You go ahead and eat your beans, Joe. Me and the boys can take 'em easy. There's only two.

Big Joe: My boy, if it was a blind woman in a wheelchair, I'd still give her the odds.

Big Joe: Damn, Jackson, I wouldn't mind you being so stupid if you was good company, but you ain't even that!

Big Joe: My boy, let me give you a little piece of advice. If you're going to pull a gun on somebody, which happens from time to time in these parts, you better fire it about a half a second after you do it... because most men aren't as patient as I am.

Marshal: Chaw?

Big Joe: [Lighting his pipe] When I want to chew on horseshit, I'll let you know.

Big Joe: [to the runaways] Goodbye, boys. Just think of us as some terrible nightmare that came and went. By nightfall you'll forget we were ever here.