Dave Lizewski Quotes in Kick-Ass (2010)

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Dave Lizewski Quotes:

  • Katie Deauxma: Dave? What the fuck are you doing? Why are you dressed as Kick-Ass?

    Dave Lizewski: Because I am Kick-Ass!

    Katie Deauxma: What are you talking about?

    Dave Lizewski: I'm also not gay!

    Katie Deauxma: Fuck!

  • Dave Lizewski: [voiceover] In the world I lived in, heroes only existed in comic books. And I guess that'd be okay, if bad guys were make-believe too, but they're not.

  • [first lines]

    Dave Lizewski: I always wondered why nobody did it before me. I mean, all those comic books, movies, TV shows. You think that one eccentric loner would've made himself a costume. I mean, is everyday life really so exciting? Are schools and offices so thrilling that I'm the only one who fantasized about this? Come on, be honest with yourself. At some point in our lives we all wanna be a superhero.

    Dave Lizewski: That's not me,by the way. That's some Armenia guy with a history of mental health problems.

  • Dave Lizewski: Fuck you, Mr. Bitey!

  • Dave Lizewski: With no power, comes no responsibility. Except, *that* wasn't true.

  • Diner Fight Guy 1: The fuck is wrong with you, man? You'd rather die for some piece of shit that you don't even fucking know?

    Dave Lizewski: The three assholes, laying into one guy while everybody else watches? And you wanna know what's wrong with me? Yeah, I'd rather die... so bring it on!

  • Dave Lizewski: That's not me, by the way. That's some Armenian dude with a history of mental health problems. Who am I? I'm kick ass!

    [six months earlier]

    Dave Lizewski: That's me. Back before any of this crazy shit happened. I guess I'm the last person you'd expect to become a superhero. I'm not saying there was anything wrong with me, but there was nothing special, either. I wasn't into sports, I wasn't a mathlete or a hardcore gamer. I didn't have a piercing, or an eating disorder, or 3000 friends on MySpace. My only superpower was being invisible to girls. And out of my friends, man, I wasn't even the funny one. Like most people my age, I just existed.

  • Dave Lizewski: This is awesome! I look like frickin' Wolverine!

  • Dave Lizewski: If it wasn't for you, I'd be dead.

    Hit Girl: And if it wasn't for you... my dad wouldn't be.

  • Dave Lizewski: What's the difference between Spider-Man and Peter Parker? Spider-Man gets the girl.

  • Dave Lizewski: How do I get a hold of you?

    Hit Girl: [sarcastically] You just contact the mayor's office. He has a special signal he shines in the sky; it's in the shape of a giant cock.

  • [last lines]

    Dave Lizewski: [voiceover] Kick-Ass was gone but not forgotten. And my world was a lot safer with the new generation of superheroes. They said I was their inspiration. But all I did was open a door to a world I'd dreamed about since I was a little kid.

    [cut to Chris/Red Mist in his father's office]

    Chris D'Amico: A world full of superheroes, eh?

    [Chris turns around, showing his revamped Red Mist costume, and dons a new, decidedly more 'supervillain' mask]

    Chris D'Amico: As a great man once said... wait 'til they get a load of me.

  • Dave Lizewski: Even with my metal plates and my fucked up nerve endings, I gotta tell you, that hurt! But not half as much as the idea of leaving everything behind. Katie, my dad, Todd and Marty... and all the things I'd never do. Like learn to drive or see what me and Katie's kids would look like or find out what happened on "Lost". And if you're reassuring yourself that I'm going to make it through this since I'm talking to you now, quit being such a smart-ass! Hell dude, you never seen "Sin City"? "Sunset Boulevard"? "American Beauty"?

  • Todd: What do you think, Katie?

    Katie Deauxma: I don't know. But I think Kick-Ass is cuter.

    Dave Lizewski: You do?

    Katie Deauxma: Oh yeah. I'd totally fuck his brains out if I got the chance.

    Dave Lizewski: Really? You would?

    Katie Deauxma: Definitely.

    Dave Lizewski: Well, you interested in checking out that new Kate Hudson movie where she's like a shoe designer? I think we can make the next showing...

    Katie Deauxma: Totally.

  • Dave Lizewski: Jesus, guys, doesn't it bug you? Like thousand of people wanna be Paris Hilton and nobody wants to be Spiderman.

    Marty: Yeah, what's with that? She has like no tits at all.

    Todd: Maybe it's the porn tape, he doesn't have a porn tape.

    Marty: You guys never saw "One Night In Spiderman"?

  • Dave Lizewski: [introducing himself] Dave. Dave Lizewski.

    Hit Girl: [laughs] I know that, dumbass!

  • Dave Lizewski: Like most people my age, I just existed.

  • Dave Lizewski: Like every serial killer already knew: eventually fantasizing just doesn't do it for you anymore.

  • Hit Girl: [after Hit-Girl and Kick-Ass have landed on the roof of Mindy's building with the jet-pack] Thanks, Kick-Ass. My daddy... He would have been proud of *both* of us.

    Dave Lizewski: [removes his mask] Dave...

    [extends his hand]

    Dave Lizewski: ... Dave Lizewski.

    Hit Girl: [smiles] I know that, dumbass.

    [chuckles, then removes her own wig and mask]

    Hit Girl: Mindy... Mindy Macready.

    [She extends her own hand and they shake as both a formal introduction and recognition of their new partnership]

  • Dave Lizewski: I'll be honest, there wasn't a whole lot of crime-fighting in those first few weeks. But even so, my new vocation kept me plenty busy. I called it preparation. But if you called it fantasizing, it would've been hard to argue. All I knew was, I never felt so good about myself.

  • [Frank D'Amico is about to shoot Hit-Girl, sees Dave]

    Dave Lizewski: [pointing a bazooka at Frank] Why don't you pick on someone your own size?

  • [Dave sees Hit-Girl studying security cam footage]

    Dave Lizewski: Is that Frank D'Amico's place? All that security? What are you, crazy?

    Hit Girl: My mom already died for nothing. So I'm sure as hell not gonna let my dad die for nothing too.

    Dave Lizewski: You can't do this on your own.

    Hit Girl: Exactly. You wanna deal with owing my dad? Then shut the hell up, and pick your weapon.

  • [Dave practices his superhero lines in front of a mirror in his costume]

    Dave Lizewski: Oh, no I'm just standing around...

    [whips out his sticks]

    Dave Lizewski: No I'm not! Yah!

    [waves the sticks wildly]

    Dave Lizewski: How 'bout that, huh?

    [cut to Dave taking out his sticks again]

    Dave Lizewski: Oh yeah! Didn't see that did ya?

    Dave Lizewski: Think it's best if you just walk away.

    Dave Lizewski: Well maybe you shouldn't do that.

    Dave Lizewski: What?

    Dave Lizewski: Huh?

    Dave Lizewski: Are you looking at me?

    Dave Lizewski: This is my business.

  • [Mindy kisses Dave]

    Dave Lizewski: What was that?

    Mindy Macready: That was my first kiss. Be nice or I'll rip your ass out through your mouth.

  • Dave Lizewski: You're gonna pay for what you did to my dad.

    Chris D'Amico: Your dad? You blew up my dad with a bazooka.

  • Mindy Macready: Hit me.

    Dave Lizewski: You're a 15-year-old girl.

    [Mindy slaps Dave]

    Dave Lizewski: What the hell?

    [Mindy slaps Dave again]

    Mindy Macready: Act like a bitch, get slapped like a bitch.

  • Dave Lizewski: I want to team up, like Batman and Robin.

    Mindy Macready: Nobody wants to be Robin.

    Dave Lizewski: What's wrong with Robin? Weren't you like Big Daddy's Robin?

    Mindy Macready: Okay, Robin wishes he was me.

    Dave Lizewski: What I'm trying to say is we should be partners. You and me, like the dynamic duo.

    Mindy Macready: I'm in the NFL, Dave. And you play pee-wee.

    Dave Lizewski: So train me. I want to walk the walk, and you're the closest thing I know to a real superhero. Aren't you tired of being on your own? Don't you want to know someone's there for you? Someone who's got your back?

  • Dr. Gravity: This is the zero-G device I invented. It can levitate any object up to a ton.

    Dave Lizewski: For real?

    Dr. Gravity: Hell no, man! This is a baseball bat wrapped in tin foil. But it fooled you!

  • Dave Lizewski: [in disguise] I'm the whitest pimp ever.

  • Dave Lizewski: What's the matter, Chris? Shit hit your shorts?

    Chris D'Amico: Yeah, and I'm gonna wipe my ass with your face.

  • [first lines]

    Mindy Macready: A handgun bullet travels at more than 700 miles per hour.

    [Mindy pulls a gun out]

    Dave Lizewski: Hey, whoa! Absolutely not! No.

    Mindy Macready: Look, if you don't want to do it, you don't have to do it.

    Dave Lizewski: Okay, good. I don't want to do it!

    Mindy Macready: Fine.

    [Mindy shoots Dave in the chest]

  • The Tumor: Eat a dick!

    Mindy Macready: You're going to eat yours if you don't start talking.

    The Tumor: Go ahead and shoot me, you little bitch. There's nothing you can do to make me talk.

    [Mindy pistol whips The Tumor]

    Dave Lizewski: Hold on. I can't do this right now. It's my dad's funeral.

    Mindy Macready: Dave, your father loved you... just like my daddy loved me. And I know it hurts but maybe... maybe that's the real meaning of being a superhero. It's taking that pain and turning it into something good. Something right. Remember what you told me? This is your life. You've got to live it. Now help me find some pliers. I'm going to make this guy eat his own dick.

    The Tumor: Seriously?

  • [last lines]

    Dave Lizewski: [voice-over] When Mindy left, that's when I finally understood where my life was going. Just like it had to eventually happen, that real people would try to be superheroes, eventually it had to end too. Superheroes can't exist in the real world for a reason. It's because the real world needs real heroes, and not some punk in a wetsuit playing dress-up, but a genuine badass who can really kick ass.

  • Dave Lizewski: You're not scared, to die?

    Mindy Macready: Are you scared you're never gonna grow into your big boy pants?

    Dave Lizewski: I'm serious. What if Spider-Man or Batman got killed one night? Like, it could happen.

    Mindy Macready: If you're scared of dying, one thing is certain - you are going to die. My daddy was never afraid of dying.

    Dave Lizewski: Look where that got him.

    Mindy Macready: He knew he might have to make the ultimate sacrifice one day. And that's why he made me promise I'd never stop defending this city. Cross my heart, hope to die.

    Dave Lizewski: Your dad was insane. You know that, right?

    Mindy Macready: You're wrong, Dave. My daddy was the first real superhero. Not you or Red Mist. It was my daddy, and it was an honor to serve by his side.

  • Dave Lizewski: What is wrong with you dude? This is not a comic book. This is real life! When you're dead, it's done. There's no sequel.

    Chris D'Amico: You made this real. You started it. And I'm going to end it! I'll be immortal. Like an evil Jesus!

  • Dave Lizewski: [bumping into Goth Kid] Ow, watch it.

    Goth Kid: Watch me end your life!

    Marty: Come on forget it, it's just one of those dickheads that follows the Motherfucker on Twitter.

    Dave Lizewski: Who?

    Marty: The Motherfucker. He's some guy planning to be the world's first super-villain. He's got like a thousand followers already.

    Dave Lizewski: What an asshole.

  • Dave Lizewski: [voice-over] If I was even thinking about a Kick-Ass sequel, I had to get serious.

  • Katie Deauxma: You remember Malik?

    Dave Lizewski: Dude who volunteers at your needle exchange?

    Katie Deauxma: His baton is so much bigger than Kick-Ass'.

    Dave Lizewski: No.

    Katie Deauxma: Yeah. And by baton I mean penis.

    Dave Lizewski: Yeah, I got that. Thanks.

Browse more character quotes from Kick-Ass (2010)

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