Todd Quotes in Kick-Ass (2010)

Todd: Yeah! I think I'm in love with her, dude.

Marty: She looks like she's about 11 years old but...

Todd: I can wait! I solemnly vow to save myself for her.

Marty: I can see how that would be really difficult for you.

Todd: What do you think, Katie?

Katie Deauxma: I don't know. But I think Kick-Ass is cuter.

Dave Lizewski: You do?

Katie Deauxma: Oh yeah. I'd totally fuck his brains out if I got the chance.

Dave Lizewski: Really? You would?

Katie Deauxma: Definitely.

Dave Lizewski: Well, you interested in checking out that new Kate Hudson movie where she's like a shoe designer? I think we can make the next showing...

Katie Deauxma: Totally.

Dave Lizewski: Jesus, guys, doesn't it bug you? Like thousand of people wanna be Paris Hilton and nobody wants to be Spiderman.

Marty: Yeah, what's with that? She has like no tits at all.

Todd: Maybe it's the porn tape, he doesn't have a porn tape.

Marty: You guys never saw "One Night In Spiderman"?

Todd: You guys watch Spider-Man last night? Is it weird if Aunt May gets you kind of hard?

Marty: Not if you're a granny-slammer.

Sandra: How do you know they'll be back?

Todd: Because they're soldiers, Sir. Like me.

Sandra: Why are they doing this?

Todd: They're obeying orders, Sir. It's their duty.

Sandra: Do you know how many there will be?

Todd: Seventeen more, Sir.

Sandra: Oh my God, you can't fight seventeen more on your own, you have to organize us. We're not cowards, we'll do as you tell us, we'll fight.

Todd: No.

Sandra: Why not?

Todd: Soldiers deserve soldiers, Sir.

Sandra: But one soldier, against seventeen. What are you going to do?

Todd: I'm going to kill them all, Sir.

Sandra: Sgt. Todd... what's it like? What's it like being a soldier? What do you think about?

[silence]

Sandra: You must think about something?

[silence]

Sandra: What about feelings then?

[silence]

Sandra: You must *feel* something?

[pause]

Todd: Fear.

Sandra: Fear?

Todd: Fear and discipline.

Sandra: Now?

Todd: Always.

[after Todd kills the last of the "new and improved" soldiers]

Rubrick: [over radio] Crawler One, do you copy? Crawler Two, do you copy? Are any of you men out there? Can any of you men hear me?

[Todd picks up the radio]

Todd: Your men... are obsolete.

Todd: Axel, you on a coffee break? Go get that son of a bitch.

Axel: Boss, I cancelled the SWAT team.

Todd: You what? I wouldn't raid a church bingo game without SWAT.

[Martin's friends tease David around the pool]

Todd: He's Mecha.

David: What's Mecha?

Todd: We're organic, your mechanical. Orga, Mecha. Orga, Mecha. Orga, Mecha.

Martin Swinton: Todd, stop!

Todd: I didn't even know they made little kids. Can you pee?

Todd: I cannot.

Kid: Then let's see what you can't pee with.

[the kids all laugh as they try to check under David's shorts]

[Martin's friend Todd takes a knife to David's arm to see if he can feel pain]

Todd: Does he have DAS?

Martin Swinton: DAS what?

Kid: [one of the kids says in German] This is good!

Todd: [the kid Todd chuckles] Damage Avoidance System. DAS. It's a pain alert system. Our service man has it. It's so they don't go picking up fire with their bare hands. Watch. Watch this.

Todd: [the kid Todd grabs a cutting knife, holding it to David's arm] Now, I'm not gonna cut you. This isn't gonna hurt. I'm not gonna cut your skin. Just tell me when you feel it.

David: [the kid pokes the knife into David's arm, David feels it immediately, as David turns to hide behind Martin, grabbing onto him, walking backwards with him] Keep me safe, Martin. Keep me safe. Keep me safe, Martin. Keep me safe.

Todd: Oh, great. Now we're getting tinkled on.

Harold: It's just urine. It'll wash out.

Todd: Oh, Harry. Tinkled on the windshield. That is officially the grossest thing that has ever happened to me.

Todd: Remember who you are, who you were. Remember!

Todd: [Davis has interrupted his scholarship interview] Um... lost my train of thought. We won.

Davis: Oh. What'd you win?

Todd: Swimming. I'm a swimmer.

Davis: Ah. Do you swim? You know, I used to do laps at the Y, and then I realized how many people must urinate in that pool on a daily basis, and that kinda ruined it for me. Yeah.

Todd: So, Karen... can I feel your tits?

[At the graduation ball]

Todd: Hey, Rebecca.

Rebecca: Oh, hi.

Todd: So, we finally...

Enid: What about me? Am I not even here?

Todd: Hey, Enid.

[he turns back to Rebecca]

Todd: So, we finally made it, huh?

Rebecca: Yeah.

Todd: So, uh, where are you going to go to college?

Enid: We're not.

Todd: Really? Both of you? Why not?

Enid: Just because.

Rebecca: Yeah, we've made other plans.

Todd: I guess I should have figured that you two would do something different.

Enid: So, Todd, what are you going to be when you grew up?

Todd: Well, I'm majoring in Business Administration and thinking of minoring in Communications.

Enid: See, that's exactly the type of thing we're trying to avoid.

[she pulls Rebecca away]

[from trailer]

Donny: What'd I do to his back?

Todd: Let me jog your memory...

[shows a tattoo on his back]

Donny: [laughs] The New Kids on the Block! The heads are all warped!

Todd: That's because I got it in third grade; my body grew!

Todd: You know what I do remember? You making me drive you home from the beach 'cause you got too drunk!

Donny: It makes sense to me. When somebody's hammered, they have another guy drive home!

Todd: I was eight!

Masseuse: [sees 5 dollar bill in Donny's towel] What's this, sir?

Donny: Oh, that's just a little, eheh, tip if you give me a full package.

Masseuse: Oh, okay. That's a 150 dollar additional charge.

Donny: Heh, you're talkin' to the wrong guy. That's a little out of my price range.

Masseuse: It includes scalp treatment, reflexology...

Donny: How much is it to tickle my pickle? To yank my crank? To give me a ho-jo to go? Sweetheart, I'm not asking for a finger up the ass. I just want you to just jerk it a little bit.

Todd: Donny! This isn't a brothel.

Donny: Your mother was a math teacher and I was pretty much a whiz kid myself.

Todd: The ability to make a bong out of a Taco Bell cup does not make you a whiz kid, Donny.

Donny: Do you have any AXE body spray?

Todd: No, Donny. I don't have any AXE body spray because I'm not a fucking douchebag.

Donny: That's a douchebag thing? When did that become a douchebag thing?

Todd: [after punching Chad] At ease, bitch!

Todd: [after Jamie whispers in his ear] What? Agh! You fuck your brother?

[the crowd uproars]

Father Shakalu: Fucking white people.

[from trailer]

Donny: I promise you, I'll never forget you again.

[gives him a gift]

Todd: You got me a gift... an earring? But I don't have a pierced ear.

Donny: Yeah...

[Donny jams the earring on his son's ear]

Todd: [his face smeared with blood] Am I bleeding?

Donny: I don't think so.

Chad: So Todd, how does one get into the hedgehog business anyway?

Todd: Oh, it's actually hedge funds.

Chad: [seething] You think you're better than me?

Todd: [Talking to the priest after being reprimanded, almost whispering] You know I, can't hear a word you're saying. All I can focus on is your shit breath.

John: Hey, by the way, Nicky, check this out, what's Ozzy tryin' to say there?

Nicky: John, absolutely nothing, the blizzard always came straight with his messages, but wrap your minds around this, gentlemen.

[Pulls out a Chicago album]

Todd: I love this song.

[Nicky plays the album backwards -"I command you, in the name of Lucifer, to spill the blood of the innocent..."]

Peter: Oh my God, Chicago kicks ass!

Todd: [opens can of Coca Cola and takes a sip] This coke tastes like Pepsi.

Todd: You know, this cake tastes kind of funny.

John: Oh yeah, I dumped a fat sack of reefer into the mix. I thought I'd spice up the batch.

Mr. Beefy: Really?

Nicky: What's Reefer?

Mr. Beefy: About five Hundred bucks an ounce.

Todd: Okay this is really creeping me out. My TV just exploded.

Nicky: Your damn right it exploded!... I mean, "really?"

Todd: [Drank his Coke, which was converted to Pepsi] This Coke tastes like Pepsi.

Mugatu: Todd, are you not aware that I get farty and bloated with a foamy latte?

Todd: My mistake, Jacobim!

Mugatu: I'm so tired. No Todd, not now!

Todd: [handing Mugatu the phone] It's Maury.

Mugatu: [to Maury] Tell me something good.

[Todd and Margo Chester, the Griswold's yuppie neighbors, appear]

Todd: Hey Griswold. Where do you think you're gonna put a tree that big?

Clark: Bend over and I'll show you.

Todd: You've got a lot of nerve talking to me like that Griswold.

Clark: I wasn't talking to you.

Todd: Well, something had to come through the window! Something had to break the stereo!

Margo: And why is the carpet all wet, *Todd*?

Todd: I don't *know*, Margo!

Margo: I hope he falls and breaks his neck.

Todd: Oh, I'm sure he'll fall. But I don't think we're lucky enough for him to break his neck.

Margo: You just march over there and slug that creep in the face.

Todd: I can't just attack someone.

Margo: All right then, if you're not man enough to put an end to this shit, then I am.

Todd: Looking good, Louis!

Louis Winthorpe III: Feeling good, Todd.

Harry: We, uh, need a fourth for squash today, Louis. Are you interested?

Louis Winthorpe III: No can do. I'll be having dinner with Penelope tonight.

Andrew: Oh, lucky you.

Louis Winthorpe III: It's not luck. Todd.

Jack Sadelstein: Did I ever tell you Todd is an atheist?

Jill Sadelstein: A WHAT?

Todd: Oh, God.

Jack Sadelstein: Have a great time, guys.

Jill Sadelstein: No! How could there be a Grand Canyon if God didn't exist?

Todd: Right. That's a very good point. I'm just saying, you know, maybe...

Jill Sadelstein: Maybe God wouldn't have given you a rat face if you believed in him.

Todd: I don't have a rat face.

Jill Sadelstein: Yes, you do have a rat face! It's scary.

John McEnroe: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, wait a minute. This guy doesn't believe in God?

Jill Sadelstein: No!

Todd: No, no, I'm just saying that there's not real proof.

John McEnroe: IDIOTS like you really make me MAD!

Michael Irvin: Fight! Fight!

Ted: What's this about a twin?

Todd: Oh, Jack. He has a twin sister.

Ted: Are you kidding me? You never told me you had a twin sister.

Jack Sadelstein: No, no, I mean, she's...

Ted: Identical or fraternal?

Todd: Nocturnal, like a bat.

Ronna: I need a favor.

Todd: Wow, I didn't know we were such good friends, Ronna! Because if we were, you would know I give head before I give favors and I didn't even give my best friends head, so the chances of your getting a favor is pretty fucking slim.

Todd: You come here, out of the blue, asking for 20 hits. Just so happens 20 is the magic number where intent to sell becomes trafficking!

Ronna: Todd, I would never fuck you like that.

Todd: How would you fuck me?

Todd: What do you want for Christmas, Claire?

Claire: I don't know.

Todd: Do you want to get laid?

Claire: No.

Todd: No, you don't wanna get laid, or no, you do, but you don't wanna get laid - with me?

Todd: Ronna, I just gave you a favor.

Ronna: And here I thought you just gave me head.

[Referring to the Family Circus comic strip]

Todd: And it's always there, in the lower right hand corner, just waiting to suck.

Ronna: I could leave something with you. Collateral.

Todd: I already got a fuckin' Swatch.

[Claire and Todd are having breakfast together, and he's reading the funnies in the newspaper]

Claire: So, what do you have against The Family Circus?

Todd: Okay. You sit down and read your paper, and you're enjoying your entire two-page comics spread. Right? And then there's the Family fucking Circus, bottom right-hand corner, just waiting to suck.

Todd: Hey Ronna, how are sales?

Ronna: Todd, I can explain

Todd: I'm not going to ask you to. It's not like I'm in a highly ethical industry. But Goddamned, Ronna. You fucked me over for twenty lousy hits!

Todd: See, here's the difference between you and me, man. Whenever I get the urge to get married, I grab my balls and squeeze 'em until I can't feel my legs, and then it just passes.

Todd: If anybody else shows up, we're running out of tape...

Todd: Girls like muscles. They like muscles and romantic dinners.

Todd: [sitting down at the piano] :... I wanna play something for you. It's not finished yet, but... I don't know, I just kinda want you to...

Andrea: [thinking] ... get naked?

Todd: ...hear it anyway.

[Todd starts singing 4 lines of a sad song]

Andrea: [thinking] He sang with passion, he sang with pain...

[Todd finished singing]

Andrea: [thinking] ... he sang for about 20 seconds!

Todd: [singing] And I will release you from all of your torment, stir up trouble that you can't ignore, and I'll tell the world, I'll tell them a story, tell a story to the world, about a girl...

Todd: If it was in your soul to do it, then fate would just take you there. And everything else was just a test to see if you were the real thing.

Todd: [pause] Are you the real thing, Andrea?

Andrea: Yes... I am.

Cybil: [as Andrea is lost to the world, dreaming about her crush Todd] I'm your friend, right?

Andrea: [nods dreamily] Mm.

Cybil: [scoffs] Oh man, you are over.

Andrea: [laughs] Stick a fork in me.

Cybil: Yeah, what do you think about his music?

Andrea: [passionate] Completely spiritual...!

Cybil: Congratulations. You discovered life beyond MTV.

Andrea: [smile fades, dismay] I think I'm going to be sick.

[rushing off]

Cybil: [quietly re-directing Andrea who is headed wrong way] That way.

Andrea: [turns about desperately, finds her way to the bathroom, but dismayed to find the object of her affection there, then, in her mind's voice:] God help me.

[fervently tries going back through the door she just slammed shut behind her, but is now locked, then, giving up, turns around goofily, trying hard to regain her composure and look cool, resulting in a very vulnerable look]

Andrea: Hi! Ahm, I was just looking for the bathroom.

[in her mind's voice:]

Andrea: This was not the visual I wanted for a first impression.

Todd: [regarding her, and flanked by coolly smoking vaguely-amused Cara on his left, and bandmate Luke and his girlfriend on the right] What's your name?

Andrea: [in her mind's voice:] Don't panic. Don't panic.

[trying best to be steady]

Andrea: Andrea. My name's Andrea.

[smiling]

Todd: It's all right, Andrea. Everything is all right.

[she looks at him full of self-doubt]

Todd: I'm Todd.

Andrea: Hi.

[smiles]

Todd: This is Carla...

[indicating the smoking blonde girl who is giving Andrea a bemused look]

Todd: ... and this is Luke...

[failing to find the girlfriend's name]

Todd: well, that's Luke.

Luke: What's up?

Andrea: [waving at him gingerly] Hi, I'm Andrea.

Todd: So, Andrea, do you want to go to a party with us?

Andrea: [in her mind's voice:] I would be unavailable right now, shrouded in mystery. He would always wonder what happened to that girl who had to go to the bathroom.

[but, speaking out, eagerly:]

Andrea: Absolutely!

Todd: Good. Have you got a car?

Franklin: Where are your donuts?

Todd: Sir, we're a gourmet market.

Franklin: Okay, where are your gourmet donuts?

Todd: I refuse to die in a polyester smock.

Lindsay: He's not the only one who's who's doing wrong all the time. He's not just being told that's not okay.

Todd: Yeah.

Lindsay: You're saying I did something that's not okay.

Todd: Yeah. Or, we could just drop him off at Nina's.

Todd: My doctor says I have to pull the trigger on my gun once an hour or I'll explode.

Richard J. Remington: [Proudly showing Alan and Todd the bikini shop they've just inherited] Well, fella's, this is all yours.

Todd: [Impressed - mainly by all the bikini-clad girls running around] Mr. R, I think I've found my calling in life.

Richard J. Remington: [Sarcastically] Really! And I had you figured for a brain surgeon!

Kathy: [Todd has unexpectedly returned; he was supposed to be in Hawaii] Todd, what happened?

Todd: The Honolulu Airport was snowed in.

[last lines]

Todd: [starting race over megaphone] OK, time to get we!. Are you ready?

Alan: Todd, I just read the invoice from that surgical supply house.

Todd: [through megaphone] On your marks!

[to Alan]

Todd: So?

Alan: The thread, the surgical thread we used to sew the bikinis...

Todd: [through megaphone] Get set!

[to Alan]

Todd: What about it?

Alan: It's for dissolving stitches, Todd!

Todd: I know!

[fires starter's pistol]

Alan: So, tell me, Todd, what have you been up to lately?

Todd: Well, I was up in Seattle for a while... I finally found a backer for my solar-powered hot dog stands! Then it rained for 60 days in a row, the guy backed out, so... I just been traveling around, staying with friends.

Todd: [Allowing Juan and his friends to look into the dressing rooms via the two-way mirrors] Gentlemen, welcome. Remember: peeping is a privilege, not a right. Please remain seated at all times, keep your hands at your sides. Should you need oxygen, a mask will fall from the console above your head. Thank you. Have a nice day.

Juan: Hey, thanks, man. We'll work for you dudes any time.

Todd: Anything to further the education of young Americans.

Alan: We're gonna have to work awfully hard to sell the store. See, it's got to be turned into a profit-making business in order to attract a buyer. Now, I figure it'll take a couple of weeks to get everything taken care of. In the meantime, we'll just live here. Now you, Todd, can either help me out or not. It's up to you.

Todd: [Grabbing milk carton from Alan, who is trying to put it away] No offense, pal, but I think living with you is gonna drive me crazy!

Alan: [Throwing up hands and storming off] Aagh!

Todd: ...I said, 'no offense!'

Todd: [singing] Tiny bubbles!... Oh, aloha, Mr. R!

Richard J. Remington: 'Aloha' means 'hello' and 'goodbye'! Goooood-bye!

Abel: Let's begin. Todd Crenshaw, are you willing to renounce all loyalty to God and Jesus Christ?

Todd: Yeah man!

Abel: Do you swear allegiance to the prince of darkness?

Todd: I do.

Treena: It's 'I swear' Todd! Not I do!

Seamus: You're not getting married.

Todd: [Referring to Leigh] Do you remember that red one-piece bathing suit she used to wear? She looked like a Swiss army knife.

Mel: What is wrong with you?

Todd: I wish everyone would stop saying that!

Mel: I really needed to have fun tonight. And you didn't even care. And you don't even... You never ask how I am...

Leigh: Mel, what's wrong?

Mel: It's just really hard trying to get pregnant.

Leigh: I think that's normal, right?

Todd: Isn't your life perfect?

Mel: No!

Therapist: What does love mean to you?

Todd: Love... love... love is something I can't have. I don't believe love exists for me.

Liza: I guess I should go find out where everyone else is.

Todd: Or we could bone.

Liza: I'm gonna go get dressed.

Todd: Can I watch?

Todd: [Eve and chalin knock on his door. He opens it and just burps. Chalin burps louder and longer. To Chapin] Nice.

[to Eve]

Todd: You stink.

Eve: You're ugly. Pizza and cake downstairs if you want it.

Todd: Did you take ten bucks from me the other day?

Eve: Yeah. Now you owe me $71.19. And where's my birthday present?

Todd: I refuse to celebrate it.

[to Chapin]

Todd: I wanted a dog.

Todd: Hey Claire! Sweet shades.

Claire: Yeah, I'm going for the Bono look.

Todd: Do you remember the first guy in your high school to get laid?

Stuart: No, but I remember the last.

Todd: Well, I do. This kid Greg. He came back from summer break; something about him had changed. It wasn't anything he said or did, but something was different. You just knew it.

Stuart: I know what you mean. It's like you can sense it the way an animal senses it.

Todd: Exactly. Like an animal. Sometimes, you meet a guy and there's just something fucking scary about him. Something that makes you think this guy has killed somebody. He doesn't have to act tough. He never has to say it. But like an animal, you can sense it. You know that this guy's got the balls to do what few others can. And that's you after today, my friend. People are gonna fucking fear you. Linda is gonna fucking fear you. What we do today is gonna pay off every day for the rest of our lives.

Stuart: Isn't it bad luck to toast with water?

Todd: Yeah. Bad luck for whoever meets us today.

Todd: Stuart, this is not like going to a whorehouse. You can't just back out.

Stuart: Do you think we're sick?

Todd: Fuck no. Dude, you look anywhere in the world where there's no law... whether it's fucking Chad or New Orleans... and this is the shit people are doing, bro. We're the normal ones.

Stuart: Any idea what you're gonna do in there?

Todd: You don't even wanna know. You don't even wanna know.

Todd: [after his electric saw becomes unplugged while terrorizing Whitney] That's fucking rich! You should see your fucking face!

Todd: [toasting] To the next level.

Stuart: A tattoo is a little difficult to explain, Todd.

Todd: Well it didn't seem like you had any problem explaining away the gonorrhea you brought back from Thailand.

Todd: There used to be a camp not far from here, just across the lake. It was called Camp Blackfoot. No one goes there anymore. Everything burnt down. This camp had a caretaker, and his name was Cropsy. Now, this Cropsy was a drunkard... a sadist, and he got real pleasure out of hurting... scaring. And he had these garden shears. The kind with long, thin blades. He carried them all the time, wherever he went. And he had this kind of demonic way of looking at you. One time, Cropsy really went after this kid from Brooklyn, followed him around night and day. He made this kid's life a living hell. But this time, he chose the wrong guy, 'cause the kid and some of his buddies had planned a little prank. Only problem was, the gag went wrong. The next thing anybody knows, Cropsy's trapped alive and burning in his bunk. They try to get him out, but the fire's so fierce, they can't reach him. All they can do is stand outside and listen to him cry out in agony. They say his smashed his way through the bunkroom door in just a mass of flames. And as he burned alive, he cried out, "I will return! I will have my revenge!" They never found his body, but he survived. He lives on whatever he can catch. Eats them raw, alive. No longer human. Right now, he's out there. Watching, waiting. Don't look; he'll see you. Don't move; he'll hear you. Don't breathe; you're dead!

Michelle: What are we going to do now?

Todd: All right, we'll all split up and search this whole area. The canoes have to be around here somewhere.

Sophie: What happens if we don't find them?

Todd: Then we'll build a raft, or something.

[the campers murmur and grumble]

[Alfred has been caught scaring Sally in the shower]

Todd: What do you have to say about that, Alfred?

Alfred: I only meant to scare her.

Michelle: You only meant to scare her. Well, you sure as hell did scare her!

Todd: You know what your problem is?

Glazer: No, man. What's my problem?

Todd: You can't take anyone your own size.

Glazer: Oh yeah? Well, that's bullshit.

Todd: [Repeated Line, As 'Terry'] That's not cranberry sauce...

[Todd teaches Alex his special wrestling move in front of the bed]

Todd: I know what you need. You need to learn the Todd Patterson invincible double-leg double-hook throw.

Alex: What?

Todd: Go. Spread your legs. Grab my neck. Spread again. Okay?

Alex: [Alex giggles grabbing onto him] What?

Todd: Now pull me down.

Todd: [Alex pulls him down laughing] See? It works.

Alex: Yeah.

Todd: [Alex doesn't let go of Todd] Okay. You gotta let... let go now.

Todd: [Todd laughs as Alex lets him go when they lay in bed together] I said spread 'em.

Todd: [whispers to her face] God, you are so beautiful.

[first lines]

[the wrestling match begins with Coach Harris cheering on his player Todd]

Coach Harris: All right, Todd! Let's go, let's go! All right. Keep it up! Keep it up! Yes! Nice! Nice! Control, Todd, control.

Todd: [Todd gets pinned down and mumbles] Damn it!

Coach Harris: Stay focused! It's fine. Stay focused. Come on.

Coach Harris: [Todd returns with pinning down his opponent within seconds] Yes!

[the crowd cheers and boos when the scene cuts to the next wrestler Alex]

Todd: How's she doing?

Sheldon: Sex and violence. That's what it's all about.

Alex: [Alex gets pinned down by her opponent when the match ends] Fuck!

Todd: [Alex returns to her corner] Hey.

Alex: How'd your match go?

Todd: I won.

Alex: Shocker.

Todd: [on finding all their horses butchered] Well... I guess... I'M WALKING!

Todd: Dude... When did you get all Haight-Ashbury on me? I mean - you used to listen to Nitzer-Ebb!

Cliff: I was 12, and I was a Nazi.

[Todd reads a piece of paper handed to him by a candy raver]

Todd: "Love is the reason... PLUR"?

Cliff: "PLUR" - Peace, Love, Unity and Respect.

Todd: [swallows a hit of Ecstasy] ... Well, bring on the love.