Artie DeVanzo Quotes in Beer League (2006)

Maz: I'll have an egg-white omelet made with very little oil, dry wheat toast, and grapefruit juice.

Johnny Trinno: Oh my god, that's the gayest order I've ever heard.

Artie DeVanzo: You know, in Massachusetts, that order could legally marry a dude.

Maz: Alright, here it comes.

Johnny Trinno: You know, just placing an order like that would get you kicked out of the army.

Artie DeVanzo: You know, if you put a construction helmet on that order, it could join the Village People.

Rhonda: Would you guys knock it off so I can do my job?

Maz: Thank you.

Rhonda: Alright, Maz, that's an egg-white omelet, dry wheat toast, grapefruit juice.

Maz: That's right.

Rhonda: Do you want a side order of cock with that?

Linda Salvo: I'm so embarrassed right now.

Artie DeVanzo: You're embarrassed? I just got cock-blocked by my mom!

Artie DeVanzo: [imitating Yankees PA Announcer Bob Sheppard] Your attention please, now pitching for Mangenelli: Number 1, Needle Dick,

[Artie's team laughs]

Artie DeVanzo: Number 1

Dennis Mangenelli: Yeah, all right!

Artie DeVanzo: Needle Dick.

Artie DeVanzo: You know, Dave, you might be a lefty.

Artie DeVanzo: Hey, are we done here? 'Cause I'm losing my buzz.

Maz: [responding to Artie about un-inviting Mangenelli to the wedding] He's Gina's cousin, he's going to be there, and don't start any trouble.

Artie DeVanzo: Hey, I'm not one to start trouble.

Johnny Trinno: Oh my God you fat fuckin' liar.

Maz: Alright, Dirt. Just throw it in there, baby. Come on!

Artie DeVanzo: [punches glove] Whatta you say now Dirt, you character.

Artie DeVanzo: If you put a construction hat on that order, it could be one of the village people.

Artie DeVanzo: Ohh! Alright, listen up. Anybody that doesn't do a pregame shot with me is a fuckin' pussy.

Dennis Mangenelli: Jerk off!

Artie DeVanzo: Hey, did this jerk off just call me a jerk off?

Artie DeVanzo: Come on let's get this guy! Let's get this punk! He's nothin'! He's a loser! He's an asshole! A cock sucker! He's a total piece a shit!

Dennis Mangenelli: You shut up fatso!

Artie DeVanzo: Hey, watch the name-calling!

Dennis Mangenelli: Hey, DaVanzo

Artie DeVanzo: If you're gonna ask if you can suck my left nut, the answer's maybe.

Dirt: Don't eyeball me tough guy! When I was in the joint, I fucked guys bigger than you!

Artie DeVanzo: What the hell are we waiting for-hey did Dirt just say he use to fuck guys?

Linda Salvo: Be honest with me, Artie. The only reason you like me is because I fuck you.

Artie DeVanzo: Not at all... I mean it's awesome.

Johnny Trinno: Let me get a bacon egg and cheese on a hard roll with a side order of fries, cheese, and gravy and a bowl of gravy on the side.

Artie DeVanzo: I'll have the same thing, plus pancakes.

Rhonda: Chocolate milk?

Artie DeVanzo: You know it honey.

Linda Salvo: [as Artie and Linda sit in the car after their date] Alright listen, if you're really quick I'll give you a blowjob, but you gotta be quick!

Artie DeVanzo: Kidding me? I hear ya. When blowjobs go on too long it's like you chicks forget guys' dicks get tired.

Linda Salvo: Stop with the jokes, I gotta be up for work early tomorrow so concentrate, okay?

Artie DeVanzo: I'll be Hugh fucking Downs.

Linda Salvo: Who the fuck is that?

Artie DeVanzo: He was the host of Concentration just blow me.

Artie's Mom: [interrupting them, unexpectedly] I made tiramisu, you kids wants some?

Artie DeVanzo: No mom, go back inside!

Artie's Mom: It's in the fridge, you change your mind.

Artie DeVanzo: *Back inside*!

Linda Salvo: I'm so embarrassed right now.

Artie DeVanzo: You're embarrassed I just got cock blocked by my mom!