Artie Decker Quotes in Parental Guidance (2012)

Drayton Glass: We're looking for guys who Tweet.

Artie Decker: I'll tweet, I make any kind of noise you want.

Artie Decker: I feel 10 years younger than I am, and I look 10 years younger than that, so you're asking a 38 year old to retire.

Diane Decker: You're 38? Good, paint the house.

Turner Simmons: It's d-dirty out here.

Barker Simmons: And windy.

Artie Decker: Yeah, it's called outdoors.

Artie Decker: For the record, I was never going to actually spank Barker.

Harper Decker Simmons: But you said you were.

Artie Decker: But I didn't.

Harper Decker Simmons: But he didn't know that.

Artie Decker: That's *why* it worked.

Harper Decker Simmons: Oh.

Diane Decker: Artie!

Artie Decker: I'm sorry! I can't take this anymore! This whole "teachable moments" of protecting their self-esteem and nobody gets punished and every game ends in a tie! All I hear is "Use your words. Use your words," but the word they never use with the kids is "No!"

Diane Decker: You know what we are? We're the OTHER grandparents.

Artie Decker: Well we can't be all 4.

Artie Decker: Harper, here're your sausages.

Harper Decker Simmons: Soy-sages.

Artie Decker: Soysages? Where are you, the Bronx?

Turner Simmons, Artie Decker: [watching Saw] AHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

Artie Decker: [pauses movie] They made 6 of these?

Barker Simmons: Carl and I wanna leave.

Artie Decker: Don't leave your seat.

Barker Simmons: You said "don't".

Artie Decker: Consider the consequences, mister.

Artie Decker: Eggless egg salad, how am I gonna know it when I see it?

Harper Decker Simmons: Just type in 'get to school'.

Artie Decker: Why is that easier than you just telling me how to get there?