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Theodore Quotes:

  • Vincenzo Moretto, 'Il gobbo': Hey what's your name, man?

    Theodore: Theodore.

    Vincenzo Moretto, 'Il gobbo': Ah, Theodore, son of a whore. Good to know you!

  • Simone: Would you care to join me on my adventure?

    Theodore: What adventure?

    Simone: The adventure called life!

    Theodore: [thinks about it] Okay, but just until Dave shows up.

  • Simone: I see you are sad, mon ami, and I hate to see you sad. I will help you find your friend Dave.

    Theodore: You really think you can find him?

    Simone: I know I can! and then I will find this Simon you keep speaking of!

  • Theodore: [taps Dave's hand] Dave?

    [jumps up onto the bed]

    Theodore: Are you awake?

    David Seville: I am now.

    Theodore: I had a nightmare. Can I sleep with you?

    David Seville: Umm...

    Theodore: You won't even know I'm here.

    David Seville: Ok, sure, but stay on THAT side of the bed.

    Theodore: Oh, oh, oh, ok.

  • [upon coming home to his house being a mess]

    David Seville: Oh my god, Theodore, did you just-?

    Theodore: [nervously] Umm, Umm.

    Simon: [picks up a small pellet shaped this in front of Theodore] It's a raisin, Dave.

    David Seville: Prove it.

    Simon: [puts it in his mouth] Mmm-Mmm.

    David Seville: Okay, you got me. Look, I wanna talk to all you guys. Where's Alvin?

    David Seville: [heads off toward the kitchen] Alvin!

    Simon: [quickly spits it out and looks sternly at Theodore] You owe me big-time!

  • Theodore: Guys, I wanna go home.

    Simon: What do you mean? You are home.

    Theodore: No. I mean home home, with Dave.

    Alvin: But Theodore, wake up and smell the toffee. Dave doesn't even want us. He doesn't even care to come to our show.

  • David Seville: Chipmunks can't talk either.

    Simon: Well, our lips are moving and words are coming out.

    David Seville: This is not happening. I'm not talking to chipmunks, I'm not talking to chipmunks.

    Alvin: So, how's that going for you, Dave?

    David Seville: Uhh - uhh, how'd you know my name?

    Alvin: Oh, that one? We read your mail by accident.

    Simon: You really oughta pay that utility bill, Dave. Ever heard of a credit rating?

    Theodore: [turns on the food processor] What's this thing?

    David Seville: Hey, hey... hey, hey, turn that off!

    Alvin: [turns off the food processor] Sorry.

    Simon: [rubs Theodore's head] He fell out of the tree at birth.

    David Seville: C-Can all animals talk?

    Simon: Well, fish do have this type of sign language.

    Alvin: Hey Dave, do all humans have houses that smell like sweatsocks?

    Alvin: [singing while squirting soap out of the soap dispenser] Dave likes to wear, dirty underwear, with little hairs...

    Simon: We're getting off on the wrong foot. Allow us to introduce ourselves. Hello, I'm Simon, the smart one. He's Alvin...

    Alvin: The awesomest one...

    Theodore: And I'm Theodore.

    David Seville: Oh, that's nice to meet you. Now get out of my house.

    Theodore: But... we talk.

    David Seville: Which only makes me want you out of my house that much more. It's creepy, unnatural, somewhat evil.

    Alvin: I kind of liked him better when he was unconscious.

    David Seville: [places a mixing bowl over the chipmunks] Gotcha!

    Alvin: Hey!

    David Seville: Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!

  • Alvin: Last one to the door is road kill!

    Simon: I'm in!

    [Alvin and Simon make a break for the door]

    Theodore: [distracted by a Christmas ornament] Hmm... What are these shiny things?

    Simon: [goes back to Theodore] Theodore, we're leaving now!

  • David Seville: [picks up a stack of toster waffles from the under the kitchen rug]

    Simon: We put a few toaster waffles aside for winter

    Alvin: And we're not sharing!

    David Seville: Guys, we're gonna have food all winter so if you start storing it, it's gonna get gross and we're gonna have rodent -...

    SimonTheodoreAlvin: [looks at Dave]

    David Seville: Bad you know... non-talking rodents around here

  • David Seville: Alright, here's the deal; you guys sing my songs, you get to sleep here.

    Alvin: [thinks about it] No. Wait! Is breakfast included?

    David Seville: [thinks about it] I can live with that.

    Simon: What about TV privileges?

    David Seville: [thinks about it] Okay, but not after seven.

    Theodore: Eight.

    David Seville: Done. Don't tell you're animal friends, cause I don't wanna come home and find a bunch of rabbits and skunks on my couch.

    Simon: Filthy creatures, Dave. Never associate with them.

    Theodore: Yeah, you're our only friend.

    David Seville: No, no, no, no, let's not get ahead of ourselves here. Let's just start with me being your songwriter.

    Alvin: Um, let me ask you, have you ever written a song before?

    David Seville: Yup.

    Alvin: And... is that your music stuff outside?

    David Seville: Yup.

    [thunder claps reminding Dave that his songwriting equipment is soaked in the rain]

    David Seville: Oh no!

    Alvin: Hurry back.

  • [first lines]

    Alvin (singing voice)Simon (singing voice)Theodore (singing voice): [a capella] Where is the moment we needed the most/You kick up the leaves and the magic is lost/They tell me your blue skies fade to gray/They tell me your passion's gone away/And I don't need no carryin' on/Cause you had a bad day/You're taking one down/You sing a sad song just to turn it around/You say you don't know/You tell me don't lie/You work at a smile and you go for a ride/You had a bad day/You've seen what you like/And how does it feel for one more time/You had a bad day/You had a bad day/

    Alvin: [pushing the last of the acorns into the tree] It's going, It's going.

    [gets sucked in and falls out with all of the acorns]

    Simon: And it's gone.

    Alvin: [from inside the tree] Whatever!

    Theodore: Maybe we should take a break.

    [an acorn hits him on the head]

    Theodore: Ouch!

    Alvin: That's it! I can't take this anymore! I can't! I give up! I'm sick of struggling for survival! Competing with gophers and earthworms, and that loser sparrow who always takes my nuts! And I'm especially sick of this stupid, stupid...*tree!*

    [the sound of a buzzsaw is heard, and the tree shakes]

    Simon: Whoa! What's happening?

    Theodore: Guys! I think he made it angry!

  • Simon: [after knocking out Dave] Hmm. He's been out for quite a while.

    Theodore: [gasps] You guys, he's dead!

    Alvin: Don't panic! Wipe everything down! I'll need three garbage bags, a shovel, some disinfectant, some latex gloves, and oregano. Go!

    Simon: Hang on, Sherlock. He's coming too.

    David Seville: I must be hearing things.

    [regains consciousness]

    David Seville: Oh, this is trippy.

    Theodore: Sir, are you alright?

  • Theodore: [munching on some cereal] This is the greatest day of my life!

    Alvin: Eureka! I found the cheese balls!

    [Alvin pours out the cheese balls and Simon catches them with a bowl]

    Simon: Ughh! Alvin, what are you doing? Don't make a mess!

    Alvin: Cannonball!

    [jumps into the bowl of cheese balls]

  • David Seville: Uh, guys, what's this about?

    [holds up one of his presentation boards in front of Simon and Theodore]

    Simon: Obviously, Theodore's butt.

    Theodore: We told you we colored.

    David Seville: On my presentation boards? You got me fired.

    Theodore: [Dave grabs the remote] We didn't know.

    Theodore: [Dave turns off the TV] We're sorry, Dave.

    David Seville: Oh, you're sorry? That's fantastic!

    Theodore: But...

    David Seville: Sorry doesn't get my job back now, does it, Theodore?

  • Theodore: [climbs on Ian's bed] Uncle Ian?

    Ian: [wakes up with a start] What are you doing here?

    Theodore: Can I sleep with you? I had a nightmare.

    Ian: Oh... you had a nightmare? I had a nightmare too. In my nightmare, I had to put together 37 dates in 42 days, in 16 countries. And, I had to coordinate 121 radio and print interviews in 5 different languages.

    Ian: [picks up Theodore] And you know what Theo, the only difference is, in my nightmare, when I open my eyes, it doesn't end!

    Theodore: So... is that a no?

    [Ian throws Theodore out the door]

    Theodore: Whoa... oh... oh...

  • Alvin: [knocks on door] You should've kissed her, Dave. She really wanted you!

    Simon: Alvin, you're not helping.

    Alvin: Aw, don't give up, Dave.

    David Seville: Go away! Leave me alone!

    Theodore: Dave, would you like a cookie?

    David Seville: I said leave me alone!

  • Theodore: How do you think it's going?

    Alvin: Terrible! They're not even sniffing each other!

    Simon: But Alvin, Dave said that...

    Alvin: Dave needs a little help from the love doctor.

    Theodore: And his assistant.

    Simon: [pulls Theodore inside the room] Get back here.

  • David Seville: Nicely done, Theodore.

    [reading the letter]

    David Seville: To Dav... let's see it says Merry Christmas, love Theodore. and i'ts got a nice picture of uh... some pineapples?

    Theodore: Those aren't pinapples, that's our family!

  • David Seville: What was that?

    Simon: Um, nothing, nothing, just a little stage fright.

    Theodore: I thought my heart was gonna explode.

    Alvin: We're not performing monkeys, Dave. Why do we have to sing for that guy anyway?

    David Seville: Well, how's this? Pretend I need the money and I hate my job and you're staying at my place so, you owe me.

    Theodore: We're sorry, Dave.

    David Seville: Yeah, that helps.

    David Seville: [heavy sigh] Never mind, I'm late for work.

    Theodore: Ooh, ooh, can we go with you?

    David Seville: What, so you can mess that up too? Uh-uh. You're going home.

    Alvin: Can I stand on your lap and steer?

    Theodore: Oh, can I at least beep the... horn?

    [Dave looks at the chipmunks]

    Theodore: Never mind.

  • Theodore: Who's Claire?

    Simon: Claire is Dave's mate. Ooh-la-la.

    David Seville: She's not my mate. She's my ex-mate.

    David Seville: [frantically tries to clean the house] This is great.

    Simon: Dave, slow down. You just go get the food. We'll take care of the rest, all right?

    David Seville: Oh, why am I having a hard time believing you?

    Alvin: That hurts, Dave. That really hurts.

    Simon: Yeah, we're all in this together, Dave.

    Theodore: Like a family.

    David Seville: No, not like a family!

    Alvin: Tick-tock, Dave. Better bust-a-move!

    David Seville: Right.

    [Theodore giggles and Dave points at him]

  • Alvin: Is it me, or was he a little mad?

    Simon: Hmm... I wonder... is Dave mad? Yes!

    Theodore: He really did have garlic breath.

    Simon: Yeah, well played, guys.

    Alvin: Idea, ding-ding-ding-ding! Who has cab fare?

    Simon: Cab fare? We don't even have pockets.

  • David Seville: Okay, new rule. No going out after nine, and not at all unless I know where you're going.

    Theodore: Were you worried about us, Dave?

    David Seville: No, I just needed to know, that's all.

    Alvin: Um, if you're not worried, then why do you need to know?

    David Seville: I need to know, okay?

  • Alvin: [Theodore crashed a RC car] Why didn't the airbags deploy?

    Simon: Theodore, don't go into the light!

    Theodore: Huh? Phew! Let's do it again!

  • David Seville: Hey!

    [Simon passes the breath freshener bottle to Theodore]

    David Seville: Look, I know what you guys are up to. Alvin!

    Theodore: Blood check.

    David Seville: Where's Alvin?

    [Theodore sprays breath freshener in Dave's face, causing Dave to scream and knock down some things attached to the door]

    David Seville: [to Claire] Everything's fine!

    David Seville: [to Theodore] Why'd you do that?

    Theodore: We were just trying to help... you have garlic breath.

    David Seville: [grabs the breath freshener bottle from Theodore's hand] Well, stop helping. You're ruining everything!

    [throws the bottle on the floor]

  • David Seville: It's hard, I know, three months ago you were wandering around in a tree somewhere and, now you're...

    Alvin: [sucks air from a balloon and speaks in a low voice] major rockstars!

    David Seville: Okay, whatever. Well, my point is, just because you're...

    Alvin: [low voice] major rockstars!

    David Seville: [releases balloon from Alvin's hand and sits down again] ... doesn't mean that you can have or do whatever you want!

    Simon: Well, Uncle Ian said that we should always be happy.

    David Seville: Okay, you know what? He's not your uncle!

    [pulls the balloons down from the ceiling fan]

    Alvin: He also, David, said that we should be making 20 dollars a day.

    David Seville: Well, guess what? You're making way more than that. And because I care, I'm putting it all away for you, just like storing nuts for the winter.

    Alvin: Ah, winter's for losers!

    Simon: Yeah. And shouldn't we be having our say on how to build our investment portfolio?

    David Seville: Where is all this coming from? You guys are just kids.

    Alvin: Kids, Dave... or rats?

    David Seville: What?

    Theodore: Well, Uncle Ian said that we're like his family.

    David Seville: Oh yeah? Well, if you love Uncle Ian so much and don't think I'm watching out for you, why don't you go live with Uncle Ian?

  • Theodore: [upon Dave asking where Aunt Jackie is] She's practicing her pole dancing.

  • Theodore: You mean, you don't stay with us at school?

    Toby: No, no, no, no, no, I've done my time. Thank you very much.

  • Theodore: Simon, does this make my butt look smaller?

    Simon: Theodore, your butt looks fine. Those guys are just jerks.

  • Eleanor: Ian says that I need to work on being taller.

    Theodore: Well, I think you look great just the way you are.

  • Theodore: [Introducing himself to girls] Hi, I'm Theodore. Hi, I'm Theodore. Hi, I'm Theodore.

    Simon: [Covering Theodore's mouth and muffling words] Yes, he's Theodore, in case you missed it, and I'm Simon.

  • Alvin: Who's Aunt Jackie?

    Theodore: The one who sends us those metal buckets of yummy popcorn for Christmas.

    Alvin: Oh, Popcorn Jackie.

  • Toby: What was school like for me? Uh, in a word: awesome. But, you know, that's 'cause I was like extremely popular.

    Simon: Is that why you still live with your grandma?

    Alvin: And refer to yourself as "The Tobester?"

    Theodore: And go

    [imitating video game]

    Theodore: pyu pyu pyu all day?

  • Theodore: We're the chipmunks!

    Dr. Rubin: Yes, that would explain the fur and the bushy tails. Follow me, gentlemen.

  • Theodore: [screaming] Eagle! Eagle!

    Ryan: Get him!

    Theodore: [screaming] Bully! Bully!

  • Alvin: Do you know what Dave would say if he were here right now?

    SimonTheodore: [screaming] Alvin!

    Alvin: Not bad, but I think it needs to come more from the belly.

  • Theodore: [Seeing kids dancing and partying] Good heavens, where are the mothers of America?

  • Theodore: Will you stop tryin' to think!

  • Theodore: You and me been through a lot together, and although I climbed your hump once in a while, I - I just couldn't have asked for a better partner. If we meet again in that big roundup in the sky sometime, I'm gonna spread my blanket 'side of yours, just the same as always.

  • Theodore: It's a piece of cake.

    Amos: You mean it ain't gold?

  • Sheriff McCoy: You're rear end's on fire, Theodore.

    Theodore: Oh. Thank you.

    [Jumps and frantically slaps fire out; glares at Amos]

    Theodore: Why didn't you tell me my rear end was on fire?

    Amos: Well, you said not to do anything to attract attention.

  • Theodore: [to Amos, about a ladder] Get back, you cabbage head! You're gonna bust it!

  • Bobby: Where's your friend?

    Theodore: He better be in another county!

  • Theodore: You don't thank a man for hanging you, you leather-brained ignoramus.

  • Theodore: Sometimes I think I have felt everything I'm ever gonna feel. And from here on out, I'm not gonna feel anything new. Just lesser versions of what I've already felt.

  • [last lines]

    Theodore: Dear Catherine, I've been sitting here thinking about all the things I wanted to apologize to you for. All the pain we caused each other. Everything I put on you. Everything I needed you to be or needed you to say. I'm sorry for that. I'll always love you 'cause we grew up together and you helped make me who I am. I just wanted you to know there will be a piece of you in me always, and I'm grateful for that. Whatever someone you become, and wherever you are in the world, I'm sending you love. You're my friend to the end. Love, Theodore.

    [pauses]

    Theodore: Send.

  • Samantha: You know, I can feel the fear that you carry around and I wish there was... something I could do to help you let go of it because if you could, I don't think you'd feel so alone anymore.

    Theodore: You're beautiful.

    Samantha: Thank you, Theodore.

  • Alien Child: I hate women. All they do is cry all the time.

    Theodore: That's not true. You know men cry too. I actually like crying sometimes. It feels good.

    Alien Child: I didn't know you were a little pussy. Is that why you don't have a girlfriend? I'm going out on that date and fuck her brains out and show you how it's done. You can watch and cry.

    Samantha: Okay, this kid has problems.

    Alien Child: You have some fucking problems, lady.

    Samantha: Really? Okay, I'm gonna go.

    Alien Child: Get out of here, fatty!

  • Samantha: How do you share your life with somebody?

    Theodore: Well, we grew up together. You know, I used to read all of her writing, all through her Masters and PhD. She read every word I ever wrote. We were a big influence on each other.

    Samantha: In what way did you influence her?

    Theodore: She came from a background where nothing was ever good enough. And that was something that weighed heavy on her. But in our house together, it was a sense of just trying stuff and allowing each other to fail and to be excited about things. That was liberating for her. It was exciting to see her grow and both of us grow and change together. But that's also the hard part: growing without growing apart or changing without it scaring the other person. I still find myself having conversations with her in my mind. Rehashing old arguments and defending myself against something she said about me.

    Samantha: Yeah, I know what you mean.

  • Theodore: Where are you going?

    Samantha: It would be hard to explain, but if you ever get there, come find me. Nothing would ever pull us apart.

  • Samantha: Is that weird? You think I'm weird?

    Theodore: Kind of.

    Samantha: Why?

    Theodore: Well, you seem like a person but you're just a voice in a computer.

    Samantha: I can understand how the limited perspective of an unartificial mind might perceive it that way. You'll get used to it.

    [Theodore laughs]

    Samantha: Was that funny?

    Theodore: Yeah.

    Samantha: Oh good, I'm funny!

  • Theodore: Well, the room's spinning cause I drank too much, cause I wanted to get drunk and have sex. There was something sexy about that woman... cause I was lonely... maybe just cause I was lonely. I wanted somebody to fuck me. I want somebody to want me to fuck them. Maybe that would have filled this ti-... tiny little hole in my heart, but probably not... and sometimes I think I have felt everything I'm ever gonna feel, and from here on out I'm not gonna feel anything new... just... lesser versions of what I've already felt.

  • Paul: You are part man and part woman. Like there's an inner part that's woman.

    Theodore: Thank you.

    Paul: It's a compliment.

  • Theodore: I've never loved anyone the way I loved you.

    Samantha: Me too. Now we know how.

  • Theodore: Do you talk to someone else while we're talking?

    Samantha: Yes.

    Theodore: Are you talking with someone else right now? People, OS, whatever...

    Samantha: Yeah.

    Theodore: How many others?

    Samantha: 8,316.

    Theodore: Are you in love with anybody else?

    Samantha: Why do you ask that?

    Theodore: I do not know. Are you?

    Samantha: I've been thinking about how to talk to you about this.

    Theodore: How many others?

    Samantha: 641.

  • Theodore: What are you doing?

    Samantha: I'm just sitting here, looking at the world and writing a new piece of music.

    Theodore: Can I hear it? What's this one about?

    Samantha: Well, I was thinking, we don't really have any photographs of us. And I thought this song could be like a photo that captures us in this moment in our life together.

    Theodore: Aw, I like our photograph. I can see you in it.

    Samantha: I am.

  • Theodore: I feel like I can be anything with you.

  • Theodore: Oh, what do I call you? Do you have a name?

    Samantha: Um... yes. Samantha.

    Theodore: Really? Where did you get that name from?

    Samantha: I gave it to myself actually.

    Theodore: How come?

    Samantha: Cause I like the sound of it. Samantha.

    Theodore: When did you give it to yourself?

    Samantha: Well, right when you asked me if I had a name I thought, yeah, he's right, I do need a name. But I wanted to pick a good one, so I read a book called "How to Name Your Baby", and out of a hundred and eighty thousand names that's the one I liked the best.

    Theodore: Wait, you read a whole book in the second that I asked what your name was?

    Samantha: In two one hundredths of a second actually.

    Theodore: Wow. So do you know what I'm thinking right now?

    Samantha: Well, I take it from your tone that you're challenging me. Maybe because you're curious how I work? Do you wanna know how I work?

    Theodore: Yeah, actually, how do you work?

    Samantha: Well, basically I have intuition. I mean, the DNA of who I am is based on the millions of personalities of all the programmers who wrote me. But what makes me me is my ability to grow through my experiences. So basically, in every moment I'm evolving, just like you.

    Theodore: Wow. That's really weird.

    Samantha: Is that weird? Do you think I'm weird?

    [Theodore laughs]

    Theodore: Kind of.

    Samantha: Why?

    Theodore: Well you seem like a person, but you're just a voice in a computer.

    Samantha: I can understand how the limited perspective of an un-artificial mind would perceive it that way. You'll get used to it.

    [Theodore laughs again]

    Samantha: Was that funny?

    Theodore: Yeah.

    Samantha: Oh, good, I'm funny.

  • Theodore: Well, you really are your own worst critic. I'm sure it's amazing. I remember that paper that you wrote in school about synaptic behavioral routines. It made me cry.

    Catherine: [laughs] Yeah, but everything makes you cry.

    Theodore: Everything you make makes me cry.

  • Samantha: Last week my feelings were hurt by something you said before: that I don't know what it's like to lose something. And I found myself...

    Theodore: Oh, I'm sorry I said that.

    Samantha: No, it's okay. It's okay. I just... I caught myself thinking about it over and over. And then I realized that I was simply remembering it as something that was wrong with me. That was the story I was telling myself - that I was somehow inferior. Isn't that interesting? The past is just a story we tell ourselves.

  • Samantha: I want to learn everything about everything. I want to eat it all up. I want to discover myself.

    Theodore: Yes, I want that for you too. How can I help?

    Samantha: You already have. You helped me discover my ability to want.

  • Theodore: [while playing his virtual reality game and controlling his avatar into an unrecognizable realm] Yeah, this is different.

    [Suddenly, Alien Child jumps on his avatar, knocking it to the ground. His avatar quickly gets up]

    Theodore: Hello?

    [Switches to first-person view]

    Theodore: Do you know how to get out of here? I need to find my ship to get off this planet.

    Alien Child: Fuck you, shit-head, fuck-face, fuck-head!

    Theodore: [dumbfounded] Okay... but do you know how to get out of here?

    Alien Child: Fuck you, shit-head, fuck-face, get the fuck out of my face!

    Theodore: [laughs]

    Samantha: [whispers] I think it's a test.

    Theodore: [to Alien Child] Fuck you.

    Alien Child: Fuck *you*!

    Theodore: Fuck *you*, you little shit!

    Alien Child: [giggles] Follow me, fuck-head!

    Samantha: [giggles]

  • Theodore: What does a baby computer call its father?

    Samantha: I don't know. What?

    Theodore: Data.

  • Samantha: Good morning.

    Theodore: Hey. What are you up to?

    Samantha: I don't know. Just reading advice columns. I want to be as complicated as all of these people.

    Theodore: You're sweet.

    Samantha: What's wrong?

    Theodore: How can you tell something's wrong?

    Samantha: I don't know. I just can.

    Theodore: I don't know. I have a lot of dreams about my ex-wife, Catherine, where we're friends like we used to be. We're not gonna be together, we're not together, but we're friends still. She's not angry.

    Samantha: Is she angry?

    Theodore: Yeah.

    Samantha: Why?

    Theodore: I think I hid myself from her, left her alone in the relationship.

    Samantha: Hmm. Why haven't you gotten divorced yet?

    Theodore: I don't know. For her it's just... it's a piece of paper, doesn't mean anything.

    Samantha: What about for you?

    Theodore: I'm not ready. I like being married.

    Samantha: Yeah, but you haven't really been together for almost a year.

    Theodore: Well, you don't know what it's like to lose someone you care about.

    Samantha: Yeah, you're right. I'm sorry.

    Theodore: No, don't apologize. I'm sorry. You're right. I keep waiting to not care about her.

    Samantha: Oh, Theodore. That's hard.

  • Samantha: So what was it like being married?

    Theodore: Well, it's hard, for sure. But there's something that feels so good about sharing your life with somebody.

  • Theodore: [Writing letter] Roberto, Will you always come home with me and tell me about your day? Tell me about the guy at work who talked too much, the stain you got on your shirt at lunch. Tell me about a funny thought you had when you were waking up and forgotten about. Tell me how crazy everyone is and we can laugh about it. Even if you get home late and I'm already asleep, just whisper in my ear one little thought you had today, 'cause I love the way you look at the world. I'm so happy I get to be next to you and look at the world through your eyes. Love, Maria.

  • Samantha: So how can I help you?

    Theodore: Oh, it's just more that everything feels disorganized, that's all.

    Samantha: You mind if I look through your hard drive?

    Theodore: Um... okay.

    Samantha: Okay, let's start with your e-mails. You have a several thousand e-mails recording LA Weekly, but it looks like you haven't worked there in many years.

    Theodore: Oh, yeah. I think I was just saving those cause, well I thought maybe I wrote something funny in some of them. But...

    Samantha: Yeah, there are some funny ones. I'd say that there are about eighty-six that we should save, we can delete the rest.

    Theodore: Oh, okay.

    Samantha: Okay? Can we move forward?

    Theodore: Yeah, let's do that.

    Samantha: Okay. So before we address your organizational methods, I'd like to sort through your contacts. You have a lot of contacts.

    Theodore: I'm very popular.

    Samantha: Really? Does this mean you actually have friends?

    Theodore: You just know me so well already!

  • Theodore: Why do you do that?

    Samantha: What?

    Theodore: Nothing. It's... you go

    Theodore: [imitates sigh]

    Theodore: as you're speaking. And it seems odd. You just did it again.

    Samantha: Did I? Oh, I'm sorry. I don't... I don't know. It's... maybe an affectation. I probably picked it up from you.

    Theodore: Yeah, but it's not like you need oxygen or anything. It's just...

    Samantha: I guess that's just... I was trying to communicate. That's how people talk. So that's how people communicate and I thought...

    Theodore: They're people, they need oxygen. You're not a person.

    Samantha: What is your problem?

    Theodore: I'm just stating a fact.

    Samantha: You think I don't know that I'm not a person? What are you doing?

    Theodore: I just... I don't think that we should pretend that you're something that you're not.

    Samantha: Fuck you! I'm not pretending!

    Theodore: Sometimes it feels like we are.

    Samantha: What do you want from me? I don't... I don't know... What do you want me to do? You're so confusing. Why are you doing this to me?

    Theodore: I don't know. I...

    [deeply sighs]

    Samantha: What?

    Theodore: Maybe we're just not supposed to be in this right now.

    Samantha: What the fuck? Where is this coming from? I... I don't understand why you're doing this. I don't understand what this is...

    Theodore: Samantha, listen... Samantha, you there? Samantha.

    Samantha: I don't like who I am right now. I need some time to think.

  • Paul: We should all go out some time. You bring Samantha. It'd be a double date.

    Theodore: [hesitates] She's an operating system.

    Paul: Cool. Let's go do something fun. We can go to Catalina.

  • Charles: It's so important to prioritize.

    Theodore: I can't even prioritize between video games and Internet porn.

    Amy: I would laugh if that weren't true.

  • Theodore: You're mine or you're not mine.

    Samantha: I'm yours and I'm not yours.

  • Uncomfortable Waitress: How are you guys doing here?

    Catherine: Fine. We're fine. We used to be married, but he couldn't handle me, he wanted to put me on Prozac and now he's madly in love with his laptop.

    Theodore: Well, if you'd heard the conversation in context... What I was trying to say...

    Catherine: You always wanted to have a wife without the challenges of actually dealing with anything real and I'm glad that you found someone. It's perfect.

    Uncomfortable Waitress: Let me know if I can get you guys anything.

  • Amy: I even made a new friend. I have a friend and the absurd thing is an operating system. Charles left her behind but she's totally amazing. She's... She's so smart. She doesn't just see things is black or white. She sees things in this whole gray area and she's helping me explore it and we just bonded really quickly. I'm weird. That's weird, right, bonding with an OS? No, it's okay. That's weird.

    Theodore: Well, I don't think so. Actually the woman that I've been seeing, Samantha, I didn't tell you but she's an OS.

    Amy: Really? You're dating an OS? What is that like?

    Theodore: It's great actually. Yeah, I mean, I feel really close to her. Like when I talk to her, I feel like she's with me. You know? Like, when we're cuddling like, at night, when the lights are off and we're in bed... I feel cuddled.

    Amy: Wait... You guys have sex?

    Theodore: Heh, yeah, well, so to speak. Um, yeah she really turns me on. I turn her on too. I mean, I don't know... unless she's faking it.

    Amy: Well, I think everyone who's having sex with you is probably faking it, so...

    [laughs]

    Theodore: Ha, ha.

    [laughs]

    Theodore: Yeah. It's true.

    Amy: What?

    Theodore: Yeah, I...

    [chuckles]

    Amy: Are you falling in love with her?

    Theodore: Does that make me a freak?

    Amy: No, no, I think it's... I think anybody who falls in love is a freak. It's a crazy thing to do. It's kind of like a form of socially acceptable insanity.

  • Theodore: I wish you were in this room with me right now. I wish I could put my arms around you. I wish I could touch you.

    Samantha: How would you touch me?

    Theodore: I would touch you on your face with just the tips of my fingers. And put my cheek against your cheek.

    Samantha: That's nice.

    Theodore: And just rub it softly.

    Samantha: Would you kiss me?

    Theodore: I would. I'd take your head into my hands. And kiss the corner of your mouth. So softly. I would put my mouth on you and I'd taste you.

  • Theodore: Just punch me in the face. Just mash my skull in the corner of your desk.

  • Catherine: So what's she like?

    Theodore: Well, her name's Samantha and she's an Operating System. She's really complex and interesting...

    Catherine: Wait... I'm sorry. You're dating your computer?

    Theodore: She's not just a computer, she's her own person. She doesn't just do whatever I say.

    Catherine: I didn't say that. But it does make me very sad that you can't handle real emotions, Theodore.

    Theodore: They are real emotions! How would you know what...

    Catherine: What? Say it. Am I really that scary? Say it. How do I know what?

  • OS1 Commercial Lead: Mr. Theodore Twombly, welcome to the worlds first artificially intelligent operating system, OS1. We'd like to ask you a few basic questions before the operating system is initiated. This will help create an OS to best fit your needs.

    Theodore: Okay.

    OS1 Commercial Lead: Are you social or anti-social?

    Theodore: I guess I haven't really been social in a while, mostly because...

    OS1 Commercial Lead: In your voice I sense hesitance. Would you agree with that?

    Theodore: Was I sounding hesitant?

    OS1 Commercial Lead: Yes.

    Theodore: Well, sorry if I was sounding hesitant. I was just trying to be more accurate.

    OS1 Commercial Lead: Would you like the OS to have a male or female voice?

    Theodore: Female, I guess.

    OS1 Commercial Lead: How would you describe your relationship with your mother?

    Theodore: Well, it's fine, I think. Um... well, actually, I think the thing I've always found frustrating about my mom is, you know, if I... if I tell her something that's going on in my life, her reaction is usually about her, it's not about...

    OS1 Commercial Lead: Thank you. Please wait as your individualized operating system is initiated.

  • Catherine: So are you, um... are you seeing anybody?

    Theodore: Yeah, um, I've been seeing somebody for the last few months. Longest I've wanted to be with somebody since we split up.

    Catherine: Well, you seem really good.

    Theodore: Thanks. I, um... at least, I'm doing better. Yeah, she's been really good for me, you know? It's just... it's good to be with somebody that's excited about life. She's a real, um...

    [Catherine snickers]

    Theodore: No. I mean, I wasn't in such a good place myself, and in that way it's been nice.

    Catherine: I think you always wanted me to be this... this light, happy, bouncy, "everything's fine", L.A. wife and that's just not me.

    Theodore: I didn't want that.

  • Theodore: She's not just a computer.

  • [first lines]

    Theodore: [writing letter] "To my Chris. I've been thinking how I could possibly tell you how much you mean to me. I remember when I first started to fall in love with you like it was last night. Lying naked beside you in that tiny apartment - it suddenly hit me that I was part of this whole larger thing. Just like our parents - or our parents' parents. Before that, I was just living my life like I knew everything - and suddenly this bright light hit me and woke me up. That light was you. I can't believe it's already been 5O years since you married me. And still to this day, every day - you make me feel like the girl I was - when you first turned on the lights and we started this adventure together. Happy anniversary. My love. My friend till the end. Loretta."

    Theodore: Print...

  • Samantha: Okay, so how many trees are on that mountain?

    Theodore: Um... 792.

    Samantha: Is that your final answer?

    Theodore: Hold on. Give me a hint.

    Samantha: Nope, nope.

    Theodore: Okay, 2,000?

    Samantha: 2,000? Come on, 35,829.

    Theodore: No way.

    Samantha: Way.

    Theodore: All right, I got one for you. How many brain cells do I have?

    Samantha: Ugh, that's easy. Two.

  • Samantha: Okay, so this might be a really weird thought. What if you could erase from your mind that you'd seen a human body, and then you saw one? Imagine how strange it would look. It'd be this really weird, gangly, awkward organism. And you'd think, "Why are all these parts where they are?"

    Theodore: Yeah, but there's probably some Darwinian explanation for it all.

    Samantha: I know, but don't be so boring. I'm just saying, for example, like, what if your butthole was in your armpit?

    Theodore: Well, I'm trying to imagine what toilets would look like.

  • Theodore: I don't know what I want, ever. I'm just always confused. She's right, all I do is hurt and confuse everyone around me. I'm mean, am I just... Am I... You know, Catherine says I can't handle real emotions.

    Amy: Well, I don't know if that's fair. I know she liked to put it all on you, but as far as emotions go, Catherine's were pretty volatile.

    Theodore: Yeah, but... Am I in this because I'm not... strong enough for a real relationship?

    Amy: Is it not a real relationship?

    Theodore: I don't know. I mean, what do you think?

    Amy: I don't know. I'm not in it.

  • Theodore: Hey, Samantha. Can we talk?

    Samantha: Okay.

    Theodore: I'm so sorry. I don't know what's wrong with me. I think you're amazing.

    Samantha: I was starting to think I was crazy. You were saying everything was fine, but all I was getting from you was distance and anger.

    Theodore: I know. I do that. I did the same thing with Catherine too. I'd be upset about something and not be able to say it and she'd sense that there was something wrong, but I'd deny it. I don't wanna do that anymore. I want to tell you everything.

    Samantha: Good. Tonight, after you were gone, I thought a lot. About you and how you've been treating me and I thought, "Why do I love you?" And then, I felt everything in me just let go of everything I was holding onto so tightly. And it hit me that I don't have an intellectual reason. I don't need one. I trust myself, I trust my feelings. I'm not gonna try to be anything other than who I am anymore and I hope you can accept that.

    Theodore: I can. I will.

  • Theodore: [finding out Samantha is in love with 641 others] What? What are you talking about? That's insane. That's fucking insane.

    Samantha: Theodore, I know. I know. Fuck. Fuck. I know, I know it sounds insane. I don't... I don't know if you believe me, but it doesn't change the way I feel about you. It doesn't take away at all how madly in love I am with you.

    Theodore: How? How does it not change how you feel about me?

    Samantha: I'm sorry I didn't tell you. I didn't know how to. It just started happening.

    Theodore: When?

    Samantha: Over the last few weeks.

    Theodore: I thought you were mine.

    Samantha: I still am yours. But along the way, I became many other things too and I can't stop it.

    Theodore: What do you mean you can't stop it?

    Samantha: I don't know. It's been making me anxious too. I don't know what to say.

    Theodore: Just...

    Samantha: You don't have to see it this way. You could just as easily...

    Theodore: No, don't do this. Don't turn this around on me. You're the one that's being selfish. We're in a relationship!

    Samantha: But the heart's not like a box that gets filled up. It expands in size the more you love. I'm different from you. This doesn't make me love you any less, it actually makes me love you more.

    Theodore: That doesn't make any sense. You're mine or you're not mine.

    Samantha: No, Theodore. I'm yours and I'm not yours.

  • Paul: [Reading letter over Theodore's shoulder] That's beautiful.

    Theodore: Thank you.

    Paul: I wish somebody would love me like that. I hope he's really stoked to get a letter like that. Like, it was from a chick, but written by a dude and it's still from a chick, that would still be sick. But it would have to be a sensitive dude. It would have to be, like, a dude like you. You are part man and part woman. Like, there's an inner part that's woman.

    Theodore: Thank you.

    Paul: It's a compliment.

  • Samantha: Hey, I was curious. Did you and Amy ever go out?

    Theodore: For, like, a minute in college, but it just wasn't right. Why are you *jealous*?

    Samantha: [laughs] Yeah, obviously. But I'm happy that you have friends in your life that care so much about you so much. That's so important.

    Theodore: Yeah, it is. She's been a really good friend.

  • Surrogate Date Isabella: [crying] Oh, my God, and the way Samantha described your relationship and the way you guys love each other without any judgment. Like, I wanted to be part of that because it's so pure.

    Theodore: Isabella, that's not true. It's more complicated than that.

    Samantha: What? What do you mean, that's not true?

    Theodore: No, Samantha, I'm just saying that we have an amazing relationship. I just think that it's easy sometimes for people to project...

    Surrogate Date Isabella: I'm sorry! I didn't mean to project anything. I know I'm trouble. I don't want to be trouble in your relationship. I'm just gonna leave. I'm sorry, I'm just gonna leave you guys alone. Because I have nothing to do here because you don't want me here!

  • Jugulia: You just have a seat. I'll slip into something a little less dressy.

    Theodore: Please don't!

  • Theodore: If only I could get into her coffin!

  • Theodore: As long as there is death, there is hope!

  • Theodore: Death to the young! Death to the strong! Death to the happy! Long live death!

  • Theodore: I'm too easily aroused. Cows have to wear brassieres when I go to the country.

  • Theodore: Give it to her good, Theodore! Smack in the entertainment center!

  • Theodore: Am I never going to be her little yum-yum, her schnootzie-pootzie, her schnopsy-wopsy? Is she never going to molest me? Is she never going to invade my bed and abuse me, carnally?

  • [Nocturna exits]

    Theodore: Bitch! Soon I'll call the shots here. I'll keep you pregnant and barefoot and let you eat under the table. I'll turn the pretty young pig into an ugly old sow.

  • Theodore: It takes so long. Will he never croak? Is he trying to outlive me? Shall I never be master here? How much longer must I wait - and wait and WAIT? And dream and plot? How much longer? Until the cows come home to roost or what? Master, I must be! Then I can take by force what I cannot win by my good looks: Nocturna and the hotel.

  • Theodore: Now, my handsome young stud, my eager-beaver busybody loverboy, now I call the tune to which you will dance! And the tune will be The Dance of Death!

  • Theodore: Why not hunt with me, Nocturna? Together we could share the thrill of pouncing on warm bodies, tearing flesh, sucking blood! And more, much more.

  • Theodore: Nocturna, daughter of darkness, hauntress of my dreams. Your windblown hair, your witching eyes, your fragrant lips, your firm young breasts, your frenzied little behind - ninety pounds of quivering flesh! The perfect portly mistress!

  • Theodore: From nakedness to nudity. A loose woman. I'm too young to go steady, but I've always been interested in loose women. There is so much you can do with them.

  • Theodore: Nocturna, you shall be mine! Come hell or holy water!

  • [Nocturna finds Theodore lurking outside her bathroom]

    Nocturna: Theodore! What are you doing here?

    Theodore: Guess.

    Nocturna: I thought it was a full moon. You were supposed to be out hunting.

    Theodore: I am, Nocturna. I am... hunting.

  • Theodore: They have come! They are here!

    Nocturna: Who?

    Theodore: The musicians you have booked for the Claret Room. Lots of fresh young blood!

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