The Spleen Quotes in Mystery Men (1999)

Invisible Boy: [after becoming invisible for a moment and reappearing naked] I'm invisible. Can you see me?

The Blue Raja, The Shoveller, Mr. Furious, The Sphinx, The Bowler, The Spleen: Yes!

Mr. Furious: Wow.

The Blue Raja: Two hands there, son.

[Invisible Boy covers up]

The Bowler: Maybe you should put some shorts on or something, if you want to keep fighting evil today.

The Spleen: Why are you guys always dissing me? It hurts my feelings. I'm a superhero too. I have powers.

Invisible Boy: Really? Like what?

The Spleen: So glad you asked. Excuse me. Excuse me. Excuse me. Well, it all started when I was just 13 years of age. One day, while walking with some friends, I accidentally cut the cheese. Well, in my adolescent awkwardness, I blamed it on an old gypsy woman who happened to be passing by. BIG MISTAKE! The gypsy woman placed a curse upon my head. Because I smelled it, she decreed I would forevermore BE HE WHO DEALT IT!

The Shoveller: All right, I'll take point, you two flank. Let's triangulate.

The Spleen: Equilateral or isosceles?

[the Spleen is shot in the rear]

The Spleen: I CAN'T FEEL MY ASS. I CAN'T FEEL MY ASS.

Invisible Boy: Do your powers still work?

The Spleen: My powers?

Invisible Boy: Yeah.

The Spleen: Weapons check.

[Invisible Boy pulls Spleen's fingers. Spleen lets loose a wind of gas, wiping out an entire gang]

The Spleen: It'll do.

The Spleen: Hiya fellas. Word on the street is you're lookin' for superheroes.

The Shoveller: And what do you call this?

Dr. Heller: Careful, careful, that's a Blame Thrower!

The Shoveller: A Blame Thrower? Oops.

[He accidentally activates it]

The Shoveller: Oh, I'm sorry!

[Suddenly the team breaks out into screaming cross-talk as they blame each other for trivia. 'I'm sorry if I smell all the time,' etc. Heller comes to their help and powers the Thrower down]

The Spleen: I'm sorry.

The Bowler: I'm sorry.

[Spleen leans over for a hug, but Bowler waves him away with an admonitory finger]

The Bowler: No, no. No. No no no. No.

The Shoveller: Doctor, you *are* a genius.

Dr. Heller: That's what the card says.

Mr. Furious: I'm a wannabe. I AM a wannabe - a TRUE wannabe, in the worst sense of... You guys are gonna have to go fight this battle without me.

The Spleen: You start doubting your super-powers, man, you are SHAFTED!

Mr. Furious: If I had any super-powers to doubt, I w... I guess I'd be in trouble, but I don't. What do I do? I don't. I don't. I go... What do I... I go 'R-r-r-r-r-r'!

The Spleen: What? What are you talking about? You lifted a bus once!

The Blue Raja: Yes, precisely! That story's legend'ry!

Mr. Furious: Yeah... It was really more of a...

[waves hand sideways]

Mr. Furious: ... a push, really, than a lift.

The Blue Raja: That still takes INCREDIBLE super-human strength.

The Blue Raja: Indeed, it does! To push an entire bus out of the way.

Mr. Furious: Well, actually, the driver kinda had his foot on the accelerator... JUST in the beginning; just to get it going. Then it actually was me. But he kinda...

The Blue Raja: Oh, shit.

PMS Avenger: [at the tryouts] PMS Avenger. I only work 4 days a month. Anybody have a problem with that?

The Blue Raja, Mr. Furious, The Shoveller, Invisible Boy, The Spleen: [nervously] No, no problem at all. That's good for us. Thank you.

The Spleen: Where's Captain Amazing?

The Blue Raja: There's been a bit of a cock-up, actually...

The Bowler: Raja murdered him!

[an argument starts]

Mr. Furious: Guys, I think we have a bigger fish to fry right now!