Lucille Quotes in Mystery Men (1999)

Lucille: [seeing superhero auditions in her home] Oh, I don't deserve this!

The Shoveller: I know.

Lucille: A lot of other men I could have married, Eddie - still are!

The Shoveller: I understand.

Lucille: If ONE person vomits in my pool, I'm divorcing you!

The Shoveller: That's fair.

The Shoveller: Lucille, God gave me a gift. I shovel well. I shovel very well.

Lucille: Honey, you shovel better than any man I've ever known, but that does not make you a superhero.

[the Shoveller starts to say something, but Lucille cuts him off]

Lucille: No, listen to me. You're a good husband, and a good father. But that's all. Nothing more.

[she walks off, a small boy hugs the Shoveller's leg]

Roland, The Shoveler's Son: I believe in you, Daddy!

Lucille: [calling] Roland, do NOT encourage your father!

Gallagher: Well, thats about it. I hate this planet. I really miss Earth. I really miss a lot of things. I... . I 'm gonna miss you.

[pause]

Gallagher: Aren't you gonna say anything?.

[he stops for a second]

Gallagher: I shoulda kissed you.

Commander Kate Bowman: Yeah, you shoulda kissed me.

Lucille: Com Frequency lost, Commander

Gallagher: Bye... .

Lucille: Launch Release System not responding.

Commander Kate Bowman: That's not good.

Lucille: No, it isn't.

[from trailer]

Lucille: Who brings a knife to a gunfight?

Trucker: ['Interviewing' Piper] Okay, uh. Let me think... Elvis, dead or alive?

Piper: Dead.

Tish: Andy Kaufman?

Piper: Dead.

Trucker: Jerry Garcia?

Piper: Grateful, and dead.

Tish: Mariah Carey?

Piper: Are we talking about her acting career?

Tish: [Chuckles] No.

Piper: Okay, then alive.

Lucille: Why'd you come to Santa Cruz?

Piper: I have family here.

Mr. Julius: Are you a virgin?

[Everyone groans]

Trucker: Mr. Julius!

Mr. Julius: Sorry, sorry.

Piper: No... But I used to be.

Tish: You're not a witch, by any chance?

Piper: Is that a job requirement?

Tish: Trucker's blazin' for the woman who owns the crystal store across the street. He thinks she's Wiccan.

Jen: Yeah, they're soul mates, except she's not exactly aware of it yet.

Trucker: Okay, everybody! Time to vote!

[Everyone puts their hands up, including the customers]

Priestly: [Jen's computer chimes] Oh, look! fuzzzy_22, right on time!

Jen: [Pushes Priestly] Shut up!

Priestly: Can't believe it, Jen. You've fallen for a cop.

Tish: Why do you think he's a cop?

Priestly: Uh, 'fuzz'? What else could it be?

Tish: I'm thinking peach fuzz, since he's probably like, 12 or something.

Priestly: Or maybe he's got a really hairy back.

Tish: Ugh!

Piper: Maybe he's a peach farmer in Georgia.

Lucille: Oh, Jen, you don't wanna move to Georgia!

Jen: I'm not moving anywhere.

Tish: I bet the '22' means he's a gun freak.

Piper: Could just be his age, you know.

Tish: Or, it could be the number of years left until his parole hearing.

Priestly: Yeah, or maybe the last 22 years have been really like, fuzzy for him.

Jen: I like that one!

Tish: No way.

Jen: What?

Tish: You're still the scarlet V.

Jen: [Scoffs] So? It's nothing to be ashamed of. Is it?

Piper: No, it's not. If I had maintained, I wouldn't be in the mess I'm in now.

Tish: Yeah, yeah. Listen, it's uh, it's not really different from when you do it yourself, it just takes a lot longer.

[Jen makes a face]

Tish: Never?

Jen: You guys, I'm a computer nerd daughter of a southern Baptist minister from Wichita! I'm the worst kind of late bloomer!

Piper: You've never plucked your own banjo?

Jen: Come on, it's not like you guys do it all the time, right?

Piper: Yesterday morning.

Tish: Two days ago.

Lucille: Last night.

[the girls look at her]

Lucille: Don't worry; I made Bam Bam go in the other room!

Jen: Oh. And *I'm* the one worried about carpal tunnel.

Tish: Yeah, it's not carpal. It's more in the fingers.

[Piper laughs]

Jen: [about Fuzzy] It's a no-brainer. We *have* to meet.

Priestly: Right on!

Piper: And what if he is a woman?

Jen: We'll find a way to make it work.

Priestly: Ooh, if that happens, can I watch?

Tish: What is he's 14?

Priestly: Ooh, if that happens, can I, uh

[Holds a glass to his eye]

Priestly: videotape?

Jen: He's driving himself to the meeting point, so he's gotta be at least 16, right? And that's not *that* much younger.

Trucker: Convicted felon?

Jen: Well, he's out noe, so it couldn't have been that bad.

Mr. Julius: Paralyzed?

Jen: If *he* can deal with that, I sure can.

Lucille: Ugly as a rhino's ass?

Jen: Looks are really the least of my worries. I mean, he's a great guy.

Priestly: Well, what if he's got, like, crazy-ass hair and-and, and more artificial holes in his head than real ones?

Jen: Well, I could never be that lucky.

[Priestly smiles]

Lucille: I'm not shooting for a "successful" relationship at this point, I'm just looking for something that will prevent me from throwing myself in front of a bus. I'm keeping my expectations very very low.

Vic Damico: This isn't your first time in a restaurant, is it?

Lucille: No, my ex-husband used to like to eat out, may he rest in peace.

Vic Damico: So he passed away?

Lucille: Not yet.

Lucille: Harold, how long are you gonna keep driving around without knowing where we're going?

Harold: Barf, have you finished unscrambling those letters yet?

Barf: [finishes unscrambling letters] Fagabeefe? Haha. Fagabeefe. Hey, Melio - fagabeefe.

Harold: [shouts] *Shut up*!

Lucille: What does it mean, Harold?

Harold: How should I know? That's why my dad got me a computer!

Robert: I thought you were nice.

Lucille: I am nice.

Robert: No your not, you're loose! And you drink!

Lucille: No...

Robert: You're nothing but a loose lush Lucille and I never want to see you again!

Lucille: I'm the kind of girl who can resist anything but temptation.

Lucille: There are a lot of ways you can kill a person. There are fast ways, and there are slow ways. Chester was killin' me the slow way for thirteen years.

Assistant at Bewitched: You're wanted on the set.

Lucille: Honey, I'm wanted in seven states.

Chester Vinson's Voice: [as Lucille heads to the Golden Gate bridge to rid herself of Chester forever] C'mon, Lucille! You can't do this! You need me!

Lucille: [quietly] That was true once, but not anymore.

Lucille: [Norman suddenly drives up as Lucille leaves a party] Norman, did you follow me to that party?

Norman the Chauffeur: [smiling] Oh, yes, ma'am.

Lucille: He said no, when he should've said yes. Mama, I killed him, cut his head off.

Lucille: Can I leave my husband here?

Amanda, Assistant at 'Bewitched': Sure.

Lucille: Would you happen to know how your slingshot wound up in my car?

Peejoe: I figured you could probably use some protection.

Meemaw: [from trailer] What does Chester say about all this?

Lucille: [impersonating Chester] Keep dreaming, Lucille, you're not going anywhere.

Groucho: Oh, why can't we break away from all this, just you and I, and lodge with my fleas in the hills? I mean... flee to my lodge in the hills.

Lucille: Oh, no. I couldn't think of it.

Groucho: Don't be afraid. You can join this lodge for a few pennies and you won't even have to take a physical examination, unless you insist on one.

Lucille: You can't stay in that closet.

Groucho: [emerging behind her] Oh, I can't, can I? That's what they said to Thomas Edison, mighty inventor; Thomas Lindbergh, mighty flier; and Tomashevsky, mighty like a rose. Just remember, my little cabbage, that if there weren't any closets, there wouldn't be any hooks, and if there weren't any hooks, there wouldn't be any fish, and that would suit me fine.

Lucille: But from the time he got the marriage license, I've led a dog's life.

Groucho: Are you sure he didn't get a dog's license?

Groucho: Oh no, you're not gonna get me off this bed.

Lucille: I didn't know you were a lawyer. You're awfully shy for a lawyer.

Groucho: You bet I'm shy. I'm a shyster lawyer.

Lucille: [talking to Groucho in the closet] What are you doing in there?

Groucho: Nothing. Come on in.

[Groucho does his famous eyebrow wiggle]

Lucille: Well, then, what do you think of an egg that would give me...

Groucho: I know - I know. You're a woman who's been getting nothing but dirty breaks. Well, we can clean and tighten your brakes, but you'll have to stay in the garage all night.

Lucille: Oh, Alky can't make a fool of me. I want to go places. I want to do things. I want freedom, I want liberty, I want justice...

Groucho: Ta-ra-ta-da-da-... Madam, you're making history. In fact, you're making me, and I wish you'd keep my hands to yourself.

Lucille: Oh, you know what I want. I want life. I want laughter. I want gaiety. I want to ha-cha-cha-cha!

Groucho: Madam, before I get through with you, you will have a clear case for divorce, and so will my wife. Now, the first thing to do is to arrange for a settlement. You take the children, your husband takes the house, Junior burns down the house, you take the insurance, and I take you.

Lucille: But I haven't any children.

Groucho: That's just the trouble with this country. You haven't any children, and as for me, I'm going back in the closet where men are empty overcoats.

Lucille: Oh, brown eyes...

Lucille: So, here you are! Loafing around with these tramps!

Alky Briggs: I tell ya, I come down to see Joe Helton.

Zeppo: Don't you think we better go?

Groucho: What? And leave this woman here alone with her husband? Suppose her sweetheart came in?

Lucille: [Sarcastically] Oh, you were going to show me a good time. A good time! Well, I might as well had stayed home and played solitaire!

Lucille: Now, listen to me, Mr. Alky Briggs. You can't keep me cooped up like this. I've played second fiddle on this ship long enough!

Alky Briggs: Now, you listen. I'm not after any dames. I'm after Joe Helton, I tell ya. And he can't get away from me on this boat.

Lucille: What brought you here?

Groucho: Ah, 'tis midsummer madness, the music is in my temples, the hot blood of youth! Come, Kapellmeister, let the violas throb. My regiment leaves at dawn!

Lucille: [Groucho makes a pass] Oh, no, no, no, don't. My husband might be inside and if he finds me here he'll wallop me.

Groucho: Always thinking of the husband. Couldn't I wallop you just as well?

Groucho: Come here, babe, I like you.

Lucille: Oh, I shouldn't. What about my husband?

Groucho: That's alright. Maybe we can get a girl for him.

Groucho: Do you rhumba?

Lucille: Why, yes. Of course I do.

Groucho: Well, take a rhumba from one to ten!

Charisse Slocumb: Are my kids drivin' you crazy?

Lucille: Oh, no, honey; we locked them outside.

Lucille: But Dr. Miller said...

Dr. Butz: Tell doctor Miller that his head is full of horse shit. And if he disagrees, slip him in the MRI machine and look for yourself.

Marv: This is blood for blood and by the gallons. These are the old days man, the bad days, the all-or-nothing days. They're back! There's no choices left. And I'm ready for war.

Lucille: Prison was hell for you Marv, it's gonna be life this time.

Marv: Hell's waking up every goddamn day and not even knowing why you're here. But I'm out now. It took someone who was kind to me getting killed to do it. But I'm out. And I know exactly what I'm gonna do.

Lucille: [screaming] He made me WATCH! Christ, I could use a cigarette.

Marv: [narrating] That's the thing with dames; sometimes all they gotta do is let it out and a few buckets later there's no way you'd know.

Marv: I had to fight some cops.

Lucille: Oh, that's lovely. You didn't happen to kill any of them, did you?

Marv: Nah, I don't think so, but they know they've been in a fight, that's for damn sure.

Lucille: What would Bluebeard want with me?

[May meets the boss at the daycare center and her first blind child]

Lucille: May Canady? Lucille! Let's introduce you to the kids.

May: Do you think I could meet her first?

Lucille: Who Petey? You could try, she usually likes to be left alone.

May: Nobody likes to be alone.

Lucille: Hey Petey, I've got someone here who wants to meet you!

Petey: Go away sniggle head.

Lucille: You are so mean to me Petey.

[Lucille curls her long finger nails towards Petey]

Lucille: Good luck!

Lucille: Are you having bad dreams? Don't be afraid. Bad dreams aren't real. Just keep telling yourself that, and the demons will go away.