The Shoveller Quotes in Mystery Men (1999)

The Shoveller: We've got a blind date with destiny... and it looks like she's ordered the lobster.

The Shoveller: We're not your classic heroes. We're the other guys.

[the trio talks about recruiting more heroes for the team]

The Blue Raja: Well, there's The Sphinx, of course.

Mr. Furious: The what?

The Blue Raja: The Sphinx.

The Shoveller: I know this guy. Big crime-fighter from down South. Big-league hitter down there.

Mr. Furious: What's his power?

The Blue Raja: Well, he's terribly mysterious.

Mr. Furious: [dismissively] That's it? That's his power? He's mysterious?

The Blue Raja: Well, TERRIBLY mysterious.

The Shoveller: Plus he can, like, cut guns in half with his mind.

The Shoveller: If we had a billionaire like Lance Hunt as our benefactor...

Mr. Furious: That's because Lance Hunt IS Captain Amazing!

The Shoveller: Oh, here we go...

The Shoveller: Don't start that AGAIN. Lance Hunt wears glasses, Captain Amazing DOESN'T wear glasses.

Mr. Furious: He takes them off when he transforms...

The Shoveller: That doesn't make any sense, he wouldn't be able to see!

Invisible Boy: [after becoming invisible for a moment and reappearing naked] I'm invisible. Can you see me?

The Blue Raja, The Shoveller, Mr. Furious, The Sphinx, The Bowler, The Spleen: Yes!

Mr. Furious: Wow.

The Blue Raja: Two hands there, son.

[Invisible Boy covers up]

The Bowler: Maybe you should put some shorts on or something, if you want to keep fighting evil today.

[last lines]

[to the news reporters]

The Shoveller: Excuse me, could I say something? I think we would all like this victory to go out to all the other guys, and I'm talking about the people in this city who are super good at their jobs but never get any credit. Like the lady in the DMV - that's a rough job.

Invisible Boy: To the people that remember jingles from tons of old commercials.

The Bowler: And uh, uh, people that support local music and seek out independent film.

The Shoveller: And the guy that drives the snow-plow. And the school nurse, that's a...

Mr. Furious: Eddie, Eddie, I think they got the point.

Becky Beaner: What's the name of this group?

Invisible Boy: The Super Dudes!

The Bowler: No, no, no, not the Super Dudes.

Mr. Furious: We're not the Super Dudes. We don't have a name yet, but we're definitely not the Super Dudes.

The Shoveller: I gotta get home, it's late...

[a photojournalist approaches]

The Bowler: Picture, picture time!

Becky Beaner: Well, whatever you call them, Champion City will forever owe a debt of gratitude to these mystery men.

The Sphinx: Wait! Wait, that's it!... We are the Super Squad.

The Bowler: No, no! Alliteration in these situations is corny... What?

[She opens her bag, where Carmine sits smouldering]

The Bowler: Yes, we're all very aware that you saved the day, and I'm sure we'll be hearing about it for the rest of our lives...

[Mr. Furious, the Blue Raja, and the Shoveller are sneaking across Frankenstein's property to undertake some reconnaissance]

Mr. Furious: Shh! Wait! Hear that? We must have hit a trip-wire. It could be a proton eviscerator heating up.

The Shoveller: It could be a cybernetic atom scrambler. They target moving objects.

The Blue Raja: It sounds more like a heat-seeking anthrax projection gun to me. Quickly, cover your mouths.

Mr. Furious: No, let's bolt! Come on!

The Shoveller: No! Don't move.

The Blue Raja: Don't breathe!

Mr. Furious: Let's bolt!

The Shoveller: Don't move!

The Blue Raja: Don't breathe!

Mr. Furious: Let's bolt!

The Shoveller: Don't move!

[a sprinkler system turns on and the three are soaked]

The Shoveller: [disgustedly] Ohh, it's the sprinkler.

Lucille: [seeing superhero auditions in her home] Oh, I don't deserve this!

The Shoveller: I know.

Lucille: A lot of other men I could have married, Eddie - still are!

The Shoveller: I understand.

Lucille: If ONE person vomits in my pool, I'm divorcing you!

The Shoveller: That's fair.

The Shoveller: Watch it, Spleen, you're going to kill someone with that thing!

Dr. Heller: Oh, no, no, no. All these weapons are completely non-lethal.

The Bowler: Wow. How wonderfully eccentric while simultaneously being a complete waste of our time. Good day, sir. I say good day.

The Shoveller: All right, I'll take point, you two flank. Let's triangulate.

The Spleen: Equilateral or isosceles?

The Shoveller: [after leaving the bar] The Shoveller is hammered!

The Shoveller: This is egg salad. It's loaded with cholesterol, the wife won't even let me touch it. It hardly seems to matter now 'cause, chances are, we're already dead. Amazing is gone, there's no use waiting for the cavalry, because as of this moment, the cavalry is *us*!

[the Mystery Men have accidentally killed Capt. Amazing]

The Blue Raja: Oh my god. Oh my god, we killed him.

[the Shoveller is standing on the other side of the room]

The Shoveller: What do you mean *we*? I was standing right here.

[Mr Furious recommends a publicist for him and his friends]

The Shoveller: What are we gonna publicise, Roy? The fact that we get our butts kicked, a lot?

Mr. Furious: Well, maybe if you didn't smack me in the face with a shovel every time we went out, we'd have a few more victories to brag about.

The Shoveller: All right now, I'm sorry about that. I just have a tendency to lose my concentration when I've got a salad fork stuck in my rear end.

The Blue Raja: Oh, oh I get it, so YOUR shovel in HIS face is MY fault?

The Shoveller: You threw a spoon at the guy, Jeff!

Mr. Furious: Yeah, what was up with that?

The Blue Raja: I, I, I am embarrassed about that. I thought it was a fork.

The Shoveller: You're the master of cutlery. You couldn't throw a knife sometimes when someone's trying to kill me?

The Blue Raja: No, I can't! You couldn't, uh, use a rake sometimes?

The Shoveller: No. I'm the Shoveler.

The Blue Raja: Well, I'm the Blue Raja. I'm not Stab Man, I'm not Knifey Boy - I'm the Blue Raja.

Mr. Furious: Yeah, that's another thing...

The Blue Raja: What?

Mr. Furious: Well, you could work a little blue into the uniform somewhere. I mean you've got green, you've got this little flowery thing going on, but it's like everything BUT blue.

The Blue Raja: Well, if we could just step out of our literal minds, just for a moment...

The Shoveller: We struck down evil with the mighty sword of teamwork and the hammer of not bickering.

The Shoveller: Lucille, God gave me a gift. I shovel well. I shovel very well.

Lucille: Honey, you shovel better than any man I've ever known, but that does not make you a superhero.

[the Shoveller starts to say something, but Lucille cuts him off]

Lucille: No, listen to me. You're a good husband, and a good father. But that's all. Nothing more.

[she walks off, a small boy hugs the Shoveller's leg]

Roland, The Shoveler's Son: I believe in you, Daddy!

Lucille: [calling] Roland, do NOT encourage your father!

Capt. Amazing: [amused at the Mystery Men] Really. You're... you're all superheroes.

The Shoveller: Well, we fight crime. Call it what you will.

[commenting On The Disco Boy's arsenal]

Mr. Furious: What? Guns? That's your power, you shoot guns?

The Blue Raja: There's no theme at all here.

Mr. Furious: Weak.

The Blue Raja: At best.

[a Disco Boy wields a pipe]

The Shoveller: And who are you supposed to be, the Disco Plumber?

[they high-five each other]

Mr. Furious: See, you've got a chain, I would at least make it a gold chain. That's just off the top of my head.

Mr. Furious: [to Tony C, referring to his outfit] What's up, Tiger Lily?

Tony C.: Top of your head, huh.

[Tony C pistol-whips Furious]

Tony C.: [the Disco Boys proceed to beat the hell out of Furious, Blue Raja, and the Shoveller]

The Shoveller: Come on, somebody do something, we need him.

The Bowler: Okay. Okay, you're a very furious man, you understand that?

Mr. Furious: No.

The Bowler: No? Well you've got a lot to be furious about, and I'll tell you why: You're not well-liked. You're uh, you're abrasive and off- putting. You try and say pithy things, but your wit is a hindrance and therefore nothing is provocative. Just mixed metaphors. Now, doesn't that make you angry? Does it infuriate you?

Mr. Furious: No.

The Bowler: Well, it should. Aren't you angry? Come on, man!

The Shoveller: Your penmanship is atrocious!

The Sphinx: You dress in the manner of a male prostitute!

Mr. Furious: We're an elite cadr-cadrey...

The Bowler: Cadre.

The Shoveller: You're in.

The Shoveller: So what do you say? Do we all gather together, and go kick some Casanova butt? Or do I eat this sandwich?

Mr. Furious: Hey, I was wondering... have you seen my address book?

The Shoveller: What did it look like?

Mr. Furious: Uh, it's denim. Says 'hang loose' on it. Picture of a kitten.

The Shoveller: And what do you call this?

Dr. Heller: Careful, careful, that's a Blame Thrower!

The Shoveller: A Blame Thrower? Oops.

[He accidentally activates it]

The Shoveller: Oh, I'm sorry!

[Suddenly the team breaks out into screaming cross-talk as they blame each other for trivia. 'I'm sorry if I smell all the time,' etc. Heller comes to their help and powers the Thrower down]

The Spleen: I'm sorry.

The Bowler: I'm sorry.

[Spleen leans over for a hug, but Bowler waves him away with an admonitory finger]

The Bowler: No, no. No. No no no. No.

The Shoveller: Doctor, you *are* a genius.

Dr. Heller: That's what the card says.

The Shoveller: Captain, I'm just going to ask you directly. Do you know billionaire Lance Hunt?

Capt. Amazing: [whispers] It's me.

[the Shoveller looks surprised, and Capt. Amazing laughs]

Capt. Amazing: Naw, I'm kidding with you, I've always wanted to do that.

PMS Avenger: [at the tryouts] PMS Avenger. I only work 4 days a month. Anybody have a problem with that?

The Blue Raja, Mr. Furious, The Shoveller, Invisible Boy, The Spleen: [nervously] No, no problem at all. That's good for us. Thank you.

[while driving a huge armored car straight at the front door of Casanova Frankenstein's home]

The Shoveller: What do you think? Should we knock, or just let ourselves in?

The Shoveller: I don't want to stand behind you, but I'll fight beside you with pride.

The Shoveller: This is our fight, whether we like it or not.