Old Lady Quotes in Mystery Men (1999)

[first lines]

Dr. Heller: [offering an old lady candy at the Senior dance] Would you like something sweet?

Old Lady: [impressed] Oh!

Old Lady: [after beating Alex with her purse and spraying him in the eyes with mace] You are a bad kitty!

Old Lady: Are you boys new in town?

Mario: Listen, lady, we're looking for someone. And we're from Brooklyn.

Old Lady: You know, boys, this is a really rough neighborhood. You really shouldn't be wandering around without a weapon.

Mario: Yea.

Old Lady: You got one?

Luigi: ...No.

Old Lady: ...All right...

[brandishes a cattle-prod-like weapon]

Old Lady: [shouts] Get 'em up, suckers!

Mr. Eugene H. Krabs: Oh, for crying out loud, SpongeBob! You didn't get the job!

SpongeBob SquarePants: [shocked] What?

Mr. Eugene H. Krabs: You... did not... get... the job!

SpongeBob SquarePants: [sadly] But... but why?

Mr. Eugene H. Krabs: Ah, SpongeBob. You're a great frycook, but I gave the job to Squidward because being manager is a big responsibility. Well, let's face it. He's more... mature than you.

SpongeBob SquarePants: I'm not... mature?

Mr. Eugene H. Krabs: Ah, lad. I mean this in the nicest of ways. But there's a word for what you are, and that word is... now, let's see...

Fish 1: Dork?

Mr. Eugene H. Krabs: No, wait, that's not right, not a dork, uh...

Pearl: A goofball?

Mr. Eugene H. Krabs: Closer, but no, no, no.

Fish 2: A ding-a-ling!

Fish 3: Wingnut!

Old Lady: A Knucklehead McSpazatron!

Mr. Eugene H. Krabs: [angrily] Okay, that's enough!

[back to SpongeBob]

Mr. Eugene H. Krabs: Look, what I'm trying to say is, you're just a kid. And to be a manager, you have to be a man! Otherwise they'd call it "kidager!" You understandager- I mean, you understand?

SpongeBob SquarePants: [quietly, now miserable] I guess so, Mr Krabs.

[starts to walk away]

Mr. Eugene H. Krabs: SpongeBob?

SpongeBob SquarePants: I'm ready... depression... I'm ready... depression...

Mr. Eugene H. Krabs: Poor kid.

Old Lady: Come on kiddies, have some icecream. I'll even let you pet Mr. Whiskers.

Davey: Good night, mayor! And the answer to your question is Spencer's Gifts. They definitely have furry underwear.

Old Lady: [disgusted at the mayor] You're gross.

Mayor: Ohh...

[fantasizing about how he'll get liquor]

Seth: You dropped your purse, ma'am. Would you like me to help you with your groceries?

Old Lady: Well that would be lovely young man. Would you like me to buy you alcohol?

Seth: That would be lovely!

[at the cash register, after buying alcohol]

Seth: Enjoy your remaining years!

Old Lady: I will! Enjoy fucking Jules!

Seth: I WILL!

Old Lady: Are you prepared for Jehovah's return? 'Cause if you're not, we've got a pam...

[Craig slams the door in their faces]

Old Lady: Well fuck you. Half-dead motherfucker. Come on, sister.

Old Lady: [to the Third Grade Class] What is a horse shoe? What does a horse shoe do? Are there any horse socks? Is anybody listening to me?

Old Lady: Tell me, what's Einstein really like?

Professor Hathaway: Dead.

Libby: You can't even finish your sentence!

Dennis: Oh... don't... don't... don't be... what's the word?

Old Lady: Prick.

[in the English version: "Cock."]

Joe Young: We're from The Church of Jesus Christ.

Old Lady: Oh, the Mormons?

Joe Young: That's right. I'm elder Young and this is elder White.

Old Lady: Well, you two boys can just fuck right off.

Joe Young: Ma'am?

Old Lady: You heard me. Take that book of Mormons and shove it so far up your righteous asses that you choke, you soul soliciting pigfuckers.

Old lady: Dream on, you little fart.

[Lena is knocking on doors at the motel looking for Evie and Randy and finds two elderly women in one room]

Lena: Hi, I'm looking for two teenage girls.

Old Lady: Did our husbands send you?

Old Lady: "A house without a woman", they say in my parts, "is like the Sea without a Siren". Don't you agree with me?

[an old lady pulls up to the Buster Burgers' drive thru intercom which is shaped like a giant pickle]

"Mr. Pickle" Intercom: Hi, welcome to Buster Burgers, what can I get ch'ya?

Old Lady: Um... one burger... uh, some fries... and a malte. Oh! And, uh, could you put cheese on that, please?

"Mr. Pickle" Intercom: Just say, "Buster Cheese, Bull Chips, and a Chocolate Buster Shake," madam.

Old Lady: Okay.

"Mr. Pickle" Intercom: [annoyed] So say it!

Old Lady: Shove off, pickle! I don't like talking to machines.

"Mr. Pickle" Intercom: Look, toots. Take that Falcon you're driving, chain it up, and shove it where the sun don't shine!

Old Lady: Wha? Wh-wh-why I... ooh... ack!

[collapses from a heart attack]

"Mr. Pickle" Intercom: [once again cheerful] Thanks for coming to Buster Burgers, please move forward. You may be eligible for a prize.

[last lines]

Old Lady: Are your sure this is God's wants?

Father Moretti: Si, mama. I'm sure He wants us to love each other.

[sets the little bird free]

Old Lady: He was a very annoying man.

Reporter: The gun man?

Old Lady: No, the gun man was very polite.

Old Lady: What adorable children.

Daniel: You want'em? 'Cause I'll sell them to you real cheap.

Franklin: [a jelly filled danish got rubbed on his shirt] Great! Raspberry glaze!

Old Lady: Soak it in cold water.

Franklin: Thank you very much, ma'am, and by the way, someone your age should be a little more careful with a hand gun.

Old Lady: Bite me.

Old Lady: [getting into the car] You're a dear sweet young man.

[seeing the dog]

Old Lady: Oh my, does he bite?

Steve Wiley: [laconically] Only me lady.

Old lady: Next time I get hitched it's for dough.

Old Lady: [investigating the noise] What's happening out there?

Malky: All right, ma'am, go away, DEA. Police.

Old Lady: Why don't you leave that poor family alone?

Malky: [to Stansfield] It's all right, everything's al right. Just calm down.

Stansfield: I am calm.

[loads his gun, looks at old lady]

Stansfield: I'm calm.

Old Lady: Why don't you leave them alone?

Stansfield: [shoots the window next to her] He said, "Go back inside".

Old Lady: The legend says that whoever stepped on a Sanguanel's footprint is cursed to walk, walk, and walk, and never get anywhere, for all eternity!

Old Lady: You can't play with these things!

Marco: I just want to get rid of this fear that overwhelms me!

Old Lady: Do you think it will be easy to get rid of this burden?

Clay Miller: I want to ask you if you, uh- if maybe you'd seen somebody...

[holds up flier of Whitney]

Clay Miller: It's my sister. She came up around here with some friends and... she's gone missing.

Old Lady: She ain't missing. She's dead.

Old Lady: People go missing around here, they're gone for good. Outsiders come, they don't know where to walk. They bring trouble. We just want to be left alone. And so does he.

Clay Miller: So does who?