Secretary Cleary Quotes in Wedding Crashers (2005)

Todd Cleary: Death, you are my bitch lover!

Secretary Cleary: Todd, that's good! Tell that mean ocean!

Claire Cleary: [to Sack] I can't marry you.

Sack Lodge: Secretary. Your daughter's a little...

Secretary Cleary: Sack, I've always liked you. So I put up with your stories about scallops and otters, and it's all good because you seem to make her happy and that's what matters to me most. But this is *her* decision.

[he makes a mock salute to her]

Secretary Cleary: I stand by my daughter.

Sack Lodge: [waving him off] You don't know shit.

Secretary Cleary: Well, the guy wants to run for president, he thinks Moby Dick is a venereal disease.

John Beckwith: Secretary Cleary, I'm John Ryan.

Secretary Cleary: Hi, John.

John Beckwith: I just wanted to tell you how much I enjoyed your position paper on economic expansion in Micronesia.

Secretary Cleary: You've read my position paper?

John Beckwith: I read it while I was sailing my boat to Bermuda.

Secretary Cleary: A sailor? Good man! Take a seat. You didn't happen to catch my speech on the Paraguayan debt and money supply issue did you?

John Beckwith: Are you kidding me? I thought it was great! Your argument for the inverse ratio of capitalization to debt was genius. Now if we could just get Congress not to be so short-sighted.

Secretary Cleary: Yes! Well put. Short-sighted. John, what d'you say we head onto the deck and light up a couple of cigars?

John Beckwith: Stogies?

Secretary Cleary: Yeah.

John Beckwith: Why not?

Secretary Cleary: Once Sack and Claire tie the knot, two of the great American families, the Clearys and the Lodges, will finally unite.

John Beckwith: And then of course you can challenge the Klingons for interstellar domination.

[stunned silence, then Claire laughs]

[Jeremy's hands and feet are tied to the bed]

Secretary Cleary: Are you okay in here?

Jeremy Grey: I was just having a bad dream.

Secretary Cleary: It wouldn't kill you to play some competitive sports, once in a while.

Todd Cleary: [suddenly incensed] Would that make you love me?

Claire Cleary: Actually Todd is an amazing painter. He's going to the Rhode Island School of Design.

John Beckwith: Wow, that's a great school. Congratulations, Todd. That's really impressive. RIS-D!

Todd Cleary: Yeah, Dad - Dad always thought I'd be a political liability...

[getting angry]

Todd Cleary: ...in case he ever ran for President.

Secretary Cleary: Now, now Todd. Actually, truth be told, polling shows that a majority of the American people would ultimately empathize with our situation.

Todd Cleary: [sharply, raising his voice] What IS our situation, Dad?

Grandma Mary Cleary: You're a homo.

Secretary Cleary: Just wonderful!

Chazz Reinhold: So damn beautiful! With every death there comes rebirth, it's the circle of life. We're gonna be alright.

[Makes humping motions]

Claire Cleary: Don't you think that's really soon?

Secretary Cleary: Well, you know Gloria, she's impetuous. Has to have what she wants, when she wants it. We had to give her a sweet sixteen on her thirteenth birthday!

Secretary Cleary: You know she is not just another notch on the old belt.

Jeremy Grey: I don't even wear a belt... Beltless.

Secretary Cleary: [menacingly] I am a very powerful man.

Jeremy Grey: Yes, you are.

[Cleary pauses meaningfully]

Secretary Cleary: [cheerfully] See you for dinner.

Secretary Cleary: It's crap!

[a gunshot is heard from inside the Cleary mansion; Grandma Cleary is chasing Jeremy outside]

Jeremy Grey: RUN! JOHNNY! She's tryin' to kill me!

[shouting continues]

Claire Cleary: Grandma!

John Beckwith: Whoa! Whoa!

Jeremy Grey: Get the gun from her!

Secretary Cleary: Put the gun down! Mother, stop!

Jeremy Grey: This is the real world, lady! You can't just go shooting people on a whim!

John Beckwith: [shocked] What did you do?

Jeremy Grey: [to Father O'Neil] I told you that in confidence. That was a confession!

Claire Cleary: What are you talking about?