John Beckwith Quotes in Wedding Crashers (2005)

Jeremy Grey: I didn't get a lot of sleep last night.

John Beckwith: Soft mattress?

Jeremy Grey: Yeah, it could have been the soft mattress. Or the midnight rape. Or the nude gay art show that took place in my room. One of those probably added to the lack of sleep.

John Beckwith: You know how they say we only use 10 percent of our brains? I think we only use 10 percent of our hearts.

John Beckwith: Claire's mom just made me grab her hooters.

Jeremy Grey: Well snap out of it! What, a hot older women made you feel her cans? Stop crying like a little girl.

John Beckwith: I wasn't crying like a little girl.

Jeremy Grey: Why don't you try getting jacked off under the table in front of the whole damn family and have some real problems, jackass. Hey, what were they like anyway? They looked pretty good, are they real? Are they built for speed or comfort? What'd you do with them? Motorboat? You play the motorboat?

[makes sputtering motorboat noise]

Jeremy Grey: You motorboatin son of a bitch! You old sailor you! Where is she? She still in the house?

John Beckwith: What's wrong with you?

Jeremy Grey: What do you mean "what's wrong with me?" What's wrong with you?

John Beckwith: No, what's wrong with you?

Jeremy Grey: No, what's wrong with you? You're projecting!

John Beckwith: Drop it.

Jeremy Grey: You drop it! You stop projecting on me! Why don't you go enjoy yourself while I go ice my balls and spit up blood.

John Beckwith: Drop it!

[starts walking away]

Jeremy Grey: Team player!

John Beckwith: Don't waste your time on girls with hats. They tend to be very proper.

Jeremy Grey: Yeah? Well, the proper girl in the hat just eye-fucked the shit out of me.

[people in the next row turn round and stare at Jeremy]

John Beckwith: Why don't you say it a little louder? I don't think the priest heard you.

[John has just referred to an aunt, only to be told by a guest that she is dead]

Jeremy Grey: How many times you gonna do this shit? Rule #32: You don't commit to a relative unless you're absolutely positive they have a pulse.

John Beckwith: Rule #16: Give me an up-to-date family tree. That was your mistake. You made me look like an idiot.

Jeremy Grey: Rule #76: No excuses. Play like a champion!

John Beckwith: I'd like to be pimps from Oakland or cowboys from Arizona but it's not Halloween. Grow up Peter Pan, Count Chocula.

Chazz Reinhold: So how's my protégé?

John Beckwith: Jeremy, believe it or not, is getting married!

Chazz Reinhold: What? What an idiot! What a loser! Good! Good! More for you and me.

[Kathleen Cleary walks into John's bedroom, unbuttons her blouse and shows John her boobs]

Kathleen Cleary: I just had my tits done. You like 'em?

John Beckwith: [shocked] Those... seem like lovely tits.

Kathleen Cleary: William doesn't give a shit about my tits.

John Beckwith: Well, darn him. But Mrs. Cleary, this is pretty sudden...

Kathleen Cleary: Oh, you been playing "Cat and Mouse" with me ever since you came here.

John Beckwith: Mrs. Cleary, I don't...

Kathleen Cleary: Call me Kat.

John Beckwith: Okay, Kat.

Kathleen Cleary: Call me "Kitty Kat".

[growls]

John Beckwith: Okay, Kitty Kat. This feels "borderline" inappropriate.

[Kathleen walks closer to John]

Kathleen Cleary: Feel them.

John Beckwith: What?

Kathleen Cleary: I said feel them!

John Beckwith: Mrs. Cleary...

Kathleen Cleary: Kitty Kat.

John Beckwith: I'm sorry, Kitty Kat, are you out of your fucking mind?

Kathleen Cleary: I'm not letting you out of this room until you feel them.

[Completely hesitant and nervous, John feels her boobs; Kathleen moans softly]

John Beckwith: Wow, they feel really nice. Real orb-like. It's amazing what they can do...

[Kathleen shudders and puts her blouse back on]

Kathleen Cleary: Pervert!

John Beckwith: Claire! Will you wait just a second? All I wanted is was a second alone with you so I could explain things. But I've never gotten that chance. Maybe I don't deserve it, so here goes. For longer than I care to remember, my business has been crashing weddings. I crashed weddings to meet girls. Business was good. I met a *lot* of girls. It was childish and it was juvenile.

Claire Cleary: And pathetic.

John Beckwith: Yeah. That's probably the best word to describe it. But you know what? It also led me to you, so it's hard for me to completely regret it. And that person that you met back at your folks' place? That was really me. Maybe not my name, I'm John Beckwith by the way. Or my job. But the feelings we felt; the jokes, the stupid laughs, that was all me. I've changed. I've realized something. I crashed a funeral today.

Jeremy Grey: [mutters] Oh Jesus.

John Beckwith: It wasn't my idea, I was basically dragged to it.

[to Jeremy]

John Beckwith: I went with Chazz who you forgot to tell me is totally insane. He also might be a genius because it actually does work, he's cleaning up.

Claire Cleary: John!

John Beckwith: I'm sorry, I'm sorry. That's neither here nor there. Anyway, I saw this widow and she's a wreck. She has just lost the person she loved the most in this world and I realized we're all going to lose the people we love. That's the way it is, but not me. Not right now. Because the person *I* love the most is standing right here and I'm not ready to lose you yet. Claire, I'm not standing here asking you to marry me, I'm just asking you not to marry *him* and maybe take a walk, take a chance.

John Beckwith: What are you doing? It's a game of touch football, every time I look over you're on your ass again.

Hindu Woman: [while dancing at a wedding reception] French Foreign Legion?

John Beckwith: Yeah, we lost a lot of good men out there.

[cut to another reception]

Bridesmaid: Mount Everest?

Jeremy Grey: I don't like to talk about it because we lost so many good men out there.

[cut to another reception]

John Beckwith: We lost so many good men out there.

Bridesmaid: Playing with the Yankees?

John Beckwith: Yes, with the Yankees you loose good men to trades and unruly fans. Look I don't want to talk about it. I'm sorry.

Claire Cleary: So is it just about the money?

John Beckwith: No no, it's about, uh, investing in companies that are ethically and morally defensible.

Sack Lodge: Well, like what? Give me an example.

John Beckwith: Like what? Well, there's the company that we have where we're taking the, the fur or the wool from sheep and we turn it into thread for homeless people to sew. And then they make it into cloth, which they in turn sew, then um... make little shirts and pants for other homeless people to sell. It's a pretty good deal.

Jeremy Grey: [fumbling his words because Gloria is giving him a hand job under the dinner table] People - People helping people.

Claire Cleary: That's - that's very admirable.

John Beckwith: Thank you. Although, don't make me out to be a saint just yet. We do turn a small profit. After all, someone has to pay for the, uh,

[motions to Jeremy]

John Beckwith: Lap dancers for the big guy here.

Jeremy Grey: [laughing pleasurably] Oh, ha ha ha, he's joking around. It feels so good when he jokes.

John Beckwith: Sorry I'm late.

Jeremy Grey: No problem.

John Beckwith: I'm sorry I called you white trash.

Jeremy Grey: Apology accepted.

John Beckwith: And I'm sorry I called you hillbilly. I don't even know what that means.

Jeremy Grey: John, it's OK. Do you mind if I get married now?

John Beckwith: That brings us to the question of frequent flyer miles.

Mrs. Kroeger: I want them.

John Beckwith: Know what we're gonna do? We're gonna split them right down the middle. How would that be, Mr Kroeger?

Mr. Kroeger: It would be not good at all. I earned those miles.

Mrs. Kroeger: Yeah, you earned them flying to Denver to meet your whore.

Mr. Kroeger: She's not afraid to express herself sexually if that's what you mean.

Mrs. Kroeger: She's a stripper, for God's sake.

Mr. Kroeger: She is not.

Mrs. Kroeger: Her name is Chastity. She is white trash, same as you. Hillbilly!

Jeremy Grey: Have you even shot one of these things before?

John Beckwith: The whole 17 years we've known each other I've been sneaking off to go on little hunting trips around the world. No, I don't even know what the fuck a quail is!

Jeremy Grey: I feel totally ridiculous. Like why do I have to be in camouflage? So the big bad quail doesn't see me?

John Beckwith: I know. Why can't we hunt something cool like a hawk or an eagle, something with some talons?

Jeremy Grey: That'd be awesome. We could get something like big game. Even like a gorilla or a rhinoceros or a fucking human being! That'll get you jacked up.

John Beckwith: That's a little heavy.

Jeremy Grey: I mean like, hunt a human being right now, "Most Dangerous Game". Like a worthy adversary. Not a human being that's armed, but a clever, a clever, human being who knows the jungle. Or the woods.

John Beckwith: [to a group of children at a wedding] Love doesn't exist, that's what I'm trying to tell you guys. And I'm not picking on love, 'cause I don't think friendship exists either.

Sack Lodge: Claire, you get your fucking ass on that altar right now!

John Beckwith: Wow, we're getting a great preview of what marriage is gonna be like with Ike Turner over here.

John Beckwith: Secretary Cleary, I'm John Ryan.

Secretary Cleary: Hi, John.

John Beckwith: I just wanted to tell you how much I enjoyed your position paper on economic expansion in Micronesia.

Secretary Cleary: You've read my position paper?

John Beckwith: I read it while I was sailing my boat to Bermuda.

Secretary Cleary: A sailor? Good man! Take a seat. You didn't happen to catch my speech on the Paraguayan debt and money supply issue did you?

John Beckwith: Are you kidding me? I thought it was great! Your argument for the inverse ratio of capitalization to debt was genius. Now if we could just get Congress not to be so short-sighted.

Secretary Cleary: Yes! Well put. Short-sighted. John, what d'you say we head onto the deck and light up a couple of cigars?

John Beckwith: Stogies?

Secretary Cleary: Yeah.

John Beckwith: Why not?

Sack Lodge: What's this, uh, company called?

Jeremy Grey: [Screaming because Gloria is secretly masturbating him to the end; climaxing] HOLY SHI...

John Beckwith: [Thinking fast] Shirts and Pants! Holy Shirts and Pants. It's a little corny and obvious, but what do you get out of being subtle, right?

Vivian: Would you say you're completely full of shit or just 50%?

John Beckwith: I hope just 50 but who knows.

Secretary Cleary: Once Sack and Claire tie the knot, two of the great American families, the Clearys and the Lodges, will finally unite.

John Beckwith: And then of course you can challenge the Klingons for interstellar domination.

[stunned silence, then Claire laughs]

Claire Cleary: What is true love?

John Beckwith: True love is your soul's recognition of its counterpoint in another.

Claire Cleary: It's a little cheesy but I like it.

John Beckwith: I read it on a bumper sticker!

John Beckwith: You better lock it up.

Jeremy Grey: No, you lock it up!

John Beckwith: You lock it up!

Jeremy Grey: You lock it up!

John Beckwith: You lock it up!

Jeremy Grey: Lock it up!

Jeremy Grey: I'm sure you'd love to be free, maybe go out and meet some Latin guy that can dance, grind up on you, make you feel dangerous but also safe. And how about you? Don't you want to get inside Chastity without having to wonder if everyone's gonna find out?

John Beckwith: God, wouldn't that be sweet?

Jeremy Grey: Wouldn't that be nice? And have some Latin guy sweating all over you, talking to you in languages you don't understand, needing you, wanting you, taking you?

John Beckwith: All we're trying to say is, put your swords away for a second. Let's finish this and let's move on.

Jeremy Grey: Get out there and get some strange ass.

Jeremy Grey: Okay, what's our back story?

John Beckwith: We're brothers from New Hampshire. We're venture capitalists.

Jeremy Grey: I'm sick of that. Let's be from Vermont. And let's have an emerging maple syrup conglomerate.

John Beckwith: Wait, that's stupid. We don't know anything about maple syrup.

Jeremy Grey: I happen to know everything there is to know about maple syrup! I love maple syrup. I love maple syrup on pancakes. I love it on pizza. And I take maple syrup and put a little bit in my hair when I've had a rough week. What do you think holds it up, slick?

[after playing football]

Kathleen Cleary: Boy, it's hot out here.

John Beckwith: Yeah.

Kathleen Cleary: You should've played in your underwear.

Jeremy Grey: That's interesting John, that glass looks half full to me.

John Beckwith: Wow, now that you mention it, it *is* half full.

[John walks toward Claire, who is on the swing]

John Beckwith: You can't marry this guy.

Claire Cleary: Why?

John Beckwith: Because I've fallen for you.

Jeremy Grey: I'm getting married.

John Beckwith: Get out.

[Points at the door]

Jeremy Grey: But you just said you were happy...

John Beckwith: I'm hanging by a thread. I'm reading don't-kill-myself books.

Jeremy Grey: You said the book wasn't yours.

John Beckwith: Don't worry about the book. It's not mine. But I glanced at it.

John Beckwith: Are you going to give a toast?

Claire Cleary: Yes.

John Beckwith: Nervous?

Claire Cleary: A little bit.

John Beckwith: What are you going to say?

[Claire pulls a piece of paper from inside her dress]

John Beckwith: You keep it in your cleavage.

Claire Cleary: Nowhere else to put it. Normally I'm not very good at these things, but I think this one's pretty good.

[John reads from Claire's notes]

John Beckwith: "I never thought my sister would find someone who cared about what other people thought as much as she did - until I met Craig?"!

Claire Cleary: Yes, that's funny. It's funny because it's true. People like funny.

John Beckwith: I know, but the whole funny-because-it's-true bit only works if the truth is a *small* thing like "everyone knows Jennifer likes to shop, ha ha ha". I think you're better off going with something from the heart. Honestly.

Claire Cleary: I think people are going to like this.

John Beckwith: I think you're going to hear crickets.

Claire Cleary: I think you're wrong.

John Beckwith: Sounds of silence. Go walk the plank.

Claire Cleary: Uh uh. I'm sticking to it.

John Beckwith: Ok, meet me at the back of the room. I'll be the guy waiting to say I told you so.

John Beckwith: How long have you and the Secretary been married?

Kathleen Cleary: 30 years next April.

John Beckwith: That's beautiful.

Kathleen Cleary: Yeah. And we were faithful for two of them.

Woman at Jewish Reception: I saw you at the wedding.

John Beckwith: Yeah?

Woman at Jewish Reception: You were crying.

John Beckwith: Oh shit! You weren't supposed to see that. Now you probably think I'm a big pussy.

Woman at Jewish Reception: No, you were so sweet.

John Beckwith: I crashed a funeral today.

Jeremy Grey: John? I need to see you right away. It's important.

John Beckwith: [Walking into Jeremy's office] What's going on?

Jeremy Grey: [sighs] We got three big weeks ahead of us. It's wedding season, kid!

John Beckwith: You sandbaggin' son of a bitch!

Jeremy Grey: I've got us down for 17 of them already.

John Beckwith: Okay, now how many of them have cash bars?

Jeremy Grey: Great question. I like where your head's at and two of them actually are, but I got us covered: Purple hearts. We won't have to pay for a drink all night.

John Beckwith: Oh, yeah. Perfect.

Jeremy Grey: We are gonna have tons and tons of opportunities to meet gorgeous ladies that get so aroused by the thought of marriage that they'll throw their inhibitions to the wind.

John Beckwith: And who's gonna be there to catch them?

Jeremy Grey: Grab that net and catch that beautiful butterfly, pal! What do you like better, Christmas or Wedding Season?

[Jeremy raises his hand]

John Beckwith: Mr. Grey?

Jeremy Grey: Yes. The answer would be, um, Wedding Season?

[shimmy-shakes]

John Beckwith: Bingo! I'm gonna get my suit. Now who are we this time?

Claire Cleary: Your brother. He's down again.

John Beckwith: What is his deal?

Claire Cleary: Are you OK?

John Beckwith: Yeah, I'm just swinging the jib for your dad, starboard.

Claire Cleary: But starboard's *this* way.

John Beckwith: That's right. What am I thinking? I'm used to sailing Down Under with the Kiwis so everything's backwards. Even the toilets, when you flush them, the water spins the opposite way. Really freaks you out the first time you see it.

John Beckwith: What are you going to do for an encore? Walk on water?

Jeremy Grey: Listen, I'm getting married.

John Beckwith: Get out.

[points at the door]

Jeremy Grey: What? You just sat there and said you were happy for me, that I...

John Beckwith: I'm hanging by a thread. I'm reading don't-kill-myself books.

Jeremy Grey: You said that the book wasn't yours.

John Beckwith: Don't worry about the book. It isn't mine. But I glanced at it.

Jeremy Grey: John, you've been my friend for 16 years. I'm getting married. I need you there to be my best man.

John Beckwith: Kindly leave!

Jeremy Grey: I'm try...

John Beckwith: [cuts him off; whispers] Kindly leave.

John Beckwith: I think we've got a crier.

Jeremy Grey: No shot.

John Beckwith: 20 bucks.

Jeremy Grey: Make it 40.

[Bride at alter bursts into tears]

Jeremy Grey: [watching Gloria coming up the aisle] Hello, Red! Dibs.

John Beckwith: [watching Claire coming up the aisle] She's all yours. I ain't gonna fight you.

Father O'Neil: And now for our next reading I'd like to ask the bride's sister Gloria up to the lectern.

John Beckwith: 20 bucks, First Corinthians.

Jeremy Grey: Double or nothing, Colossians 3:12.

Gloria Cleary: And now a reading from Paul's first letter to the Corinthians.

Claire Cleary: Actually Todd is an amazing painter. He's going to the Rhode Island School of Design.

John Beckwith: Wow, that's a great school. Congratulations, Todd. That's really impressive. RIS-D!

Todd Cleary: Yeah, Dad - Dad always thought I'd be a political liability...

[getting angry]

Todd Cleary: ...in case he ever ran for President.

Secretary Cleary: Now, now Todd. Actually, truth be told, polling shows that a majority of the American people would ultimately empathize with our situation.

Todd Cleary: [sharply, raising his voice] What IS our situation, Dad?

Grandma Mary Cleary: You're a homo.

John Beckwith: Whoa, hold it, Sack!

[Sack punches John]

Trap: OK, Sackmaster, one more. We should get back to the bar.

Sack Lodge: You get near my fiancée again, I kill you.

John Beckwith: Let me say one thing.

Sack Lodge: [to Trap] Did you check out the rack on that bartender?

Trap: Hey, you're the Sack. She'll come to you.

Sack Lodge: Oh my God, yes, she will, you're right!

[the men are hunting quails in the forest; Secretary Cleary blows his quail whistle]

Sack Lodge: There's something not right about these guys.

Flip: What do you mean?

Sack Lodge: I mean, it's time to send them home.

Flip: Sack, don't do anything crazy.

Sack Lodge: Just relax. I'm just gonna scare them a little bit.

Flip: All right.

[Sack cocks his rifle and aims it at Jeremy]

Sack Lodge: [Yells] TO THE RIGHT!

[Everyone aims and shoots; John and Jeremy screams; John falls to the ground, pulls the trigger, and then shoots Jeremy]

Jeremy Grey: [Screaming] Aaaahhh! They got me!

Sack Lodge: [laughs] Oh, shit!

Jeremy Grey: THEY GOT ME!

John Beckwith: Oh, shit.

John Beckwith: I don't mean to pry.

Claire Cleary: Yes, you do.

Jeremy Grey: Oh, that's terrific! Why don't you just feed me to the lions? Step on my head when I am drowning.

John Beckwith: What?

Jeremy Grey: What do you mean "what"? What a great friend, John. This is completely against the rules. You have a wedding and a reception to seal the deal. Period. There's no overtime.

John Beckwith: No overtime. Yeah, well what about the Chang wedding three years ago. 2am, you drag me fifty miles to watch you and some chick play Mah-Jongg with her grandmother? In a retirement home.

Jeremy Grey: Completely different situation. She was a very, very family-oriented girl. And very into her grandmother.

John Beckwith: Yeah.

Jeremy Grey: [Yells aloud] *That was my first Asian!*

[the entire room goes silent]

John Beckwith: I have a better idea. Throw an interception to Claire, get her feeling good about herself. You think you can do that?

Jeremy Grey: John, I was first team All-State. I can put the ball anywhere I want to. I'll make it rain out here.

John Beckwith: Hey, listen. What angle are you going to play here?

Jeremy Grey: I am going to go with the balloon animal display. For the kids. And then when she comes close to check it out, guess who is the broken man, haunted past? How about you?

John Beckwith: I am going to go dance with the little flower girl. Oh, and I might be a charter member of Oprah's book club.

Jeremy Grey: It's all deadly.

John Beckwith: Rule No.5: "You're an idiot"

Jeremy Grey: I'm sorry. I'm not sorry. Okay? I'm not gonna apologize, I'm a cocksman!

[gets glares from wedding guests]

John Beckwith: [to wedding guests] Tourette's.

John Beckwith: Get up, you're making us look like pussies.

Jeremy Grey: If I had any air in my lungs I'd scream at you.

Jeremy Grey: [in response to the outfit he's wearing] I'm not even gunna say it, but you know I'm upset.

John Beckwith: Yes. But I think you look good.

Jeremy Grey: You know I don't look good.

[after Sack outruns John and scores a touchdown]

Jeremy Grey: What happened?

John Beckwith: I think he's on steroids. It's like trying to cover a fucking race horse.

Jeremy Grey: [quarterbacking a touch football game] John! Red seven!

John Beckwith: I don't know what red seven means.

Jeremy Grey: Hot route!

John Beckwith: I don't... What is hot route?

Jeremy Grey: Will you just go stand on the other side please?

John Beckwith: Rule #1: Never Leave a Fellow Crasher Behind.

John Beckwith: [introducing himself at a wedding reception] Sanjay Collins.

Jeremy Grey: Chuck Vindaloo. Excited to be here.

[cut to another reception]

John Beckwith: Seamus O'Toole.

Jeremy Grey: Bobby O'Shea.

John Beckwith: I'm ready to get drunk!

John Beckwith: [about Chazz] He lived with his mom till he was forty! She tried to poison his oatmeal!

Jeremy Grey: Erroneous! Erroneous! Erroneous on both counts!

John Beckwith: [after Jeremy gets violently tackled to the ground] You were awesome... she's buying it, now quit messing around and get up.

Jeremy Grey: [after getting the wind knocked out of him, whispering] I'm not messing around, I can't breathe.

John Beckwith: Oh, come on, now you're just milking it.

Jeremy Grey: [looks up in disgust, still whispering] I hate you.

[seeing Gloria throwing a tantrum in front of her father]

Jeremy Grey: Looks like a little kid at Toys-R-Us.

[pause]

Jeremy Grey: I can't be around her.

John Beckwith: Get off your high horse and stop judging people.

John Beckwith: Oh, *you're* gonna cover me.

Claire Cleary: Like white on rice.

John Beckwith: All right I like my odds here. Let me give you a little warning, I'm going downtown. Look for me in the endzone after this play, I'll be the guy holding the ball.

John Beckwith: And do ya maybe feel the same way?

Claire Cleary: Maybe.

John Beckwith: [relieved] Maybe. That's all I needed to know.

Claire Cleary: [exhales in frustration] But this is crazy, because I don't know any...

John Beckwith: Why?

Claire Cleary: I don't know anything about you!

John Beckwith: What do you mean?

Claire Cleary: You do investments in New Hampshire, and you have a... crazy brother...

John Beckwith: Well, actually, I need to talk to you about that. I'm not a big deal, but maybe youn wanna sit back on the swing.

[a gunshot is heard from inside the Cleary mansion; Grandma Cleary is chasing Jeremy outside]

Jeremy Grey: RUN! JOHNNY! She's tryin' to kill me!

[shouting continues]

Claire Cleary: Grandma!

John Beckwith: Whoa! Whoa!

Jeremy Grey: Get the gun from her!

Secretary Cleary: Put the gun down! Mother, stop!

Jeremy Grey: This is the real world, lady! You can't just go shooting people on a whim!

John Beckwith: [shocked] What did you do?

Jeremy Grey: [to Father O'Neil] I told you that in confidence. That was a confession!

Claire Cleary: What are you talking about?

Sack Lodge: Why don't you tell her, John?

John Beckwith: I don't know what goin' on.

Sack Lodge: [whispers] You don't know?

John Beckwith: I'm playing Catch-up too.

[Sack punches John in the chest]

Claire Cleary: [yells] Sack! What are you doing?

Sack Lodge: You remembering yet? You remember yet?

Claire Cleary: [to John] Are you okay? Sack!

Sack Lodge: They're not who they say they are, Claire. Those aren't even their real names.

Claire Cleary: What?

Sack Lodge: No, everything they told you was a lie.

Claire Cleary: [confused] I-I don't understand what your saying.

Sack Lodge: Claire, they crash weddings. They crash weddings so that they can sleep with girls. Everything that they told us has been a complete fabrication!

Claire Cleary: You're joking.

Sack Lodge: All of it was a - Don't you fuckin' get up!

Claire Cleary: Sack, will you just stop?

Sack Lodge: [backs away] Okay. Okay.

[Claire demands the truth]

Claire Cleary: Is that true?

John Beckwith: [hesitates] No - Well, no, it's... not entirely.

Claire Cleary: No. It's a "Yes" or "No" question.

John Beckwith: I know, but it's complicated.

Claire Cleary: [turns angry] Yes or No?

[the family looks on John and Jeremy in disbelief]

Claire Cleary: Yes or No?

John Beckwith: Yes...

[the family is shocked and upset; Claire is at a loss for words]

John Beckwith: with shades of grey.

Jeremy Grey: [to Gloria] I'm not perfect. But who are we kidding? Neither are you. And you wanna know what? I dig it!

Todd Cleary: Mom make you feel her tits?

John Beckwith: Did you say something, Todd?

Todd Cleary: Mom make you feel her tits?

John Beckwith: Todd, where are you going with this?

Todd Cleary: Just don't say anything to my dad, though. Some friend of my sister's said something to my dad a couple of years ago, he now lives in a shack in Guam... not by choice.

John Beckwith: Stop kidding with me Todd. You almost had me. Come on!