Schmidt Quotes in 21 Jump Street (2012)

Captain Dickson: He's white, that means people actually give shit.

Schmidt: Um, I would just like to say that I would give a shit if he were black.

Deputy Chief Hardy: Do you even know the Miranda rights?

Jenko: It obviously starts with... you have the right to... remain an attorney...

Deputy Chief Hardy: Did you just say you have the right to be an attorney?

Schmidt: Well, you do have the right to be an attorney if you want to...

[last lines]

Captain Dickson: New assignment. Since you two cowboys love to drink booze, smoke weed with kids, and fuck anything with a big ass in jeans with low self-esteem, I'm gonna send you to a place where all that shit is allowed.

Jenko: Oh, I love Disneyland!

Captain Dickson: You two sons of bitches are going to college!

Schmidt: Yes!

Jenko: No!

Jenko: [while passing different cliques] Those are jocks, those are nerds...

[passes hipsters]

Jenko: I don't know what those are...

Schmidt: What the fuck are those things?

Jenko: [raiding the evidence locker for drugs to take to their party] Got a pound of coke.

Schmidt: We are trying to show them a good time, not ruin their fucking lives.

Jenko: Pound of marijuana?

Schmidt: Best party ever!

Jenko: Booyah!

Captain Dickson: [going over the rule of not having sexual relations with teachers or students; to Jenko] That's you, man. Don't do it. Keep that dirty dick inside your pants. Don't fuck no students, don't fuck no teachers...

Schmidt: Sir, I know we may look like a couple of lady-killers, but me and my partner will be super professional...

Captain Dickson: Clearly I wasn't talking to you, big-titties. You cherub-looking motherfucker. I was talking to your partner, fake-ass Handsome McGee here. When I'm talking to him, I'm talking to him. When I say "shut the fuck up," I'm talking to you.

Tom Hanson: [pointing gun at Schmidt and Jenko] Goddamn it! Tom Hanson, DEA!

[pointing gun at Domingo]

Tom Hanson: On your knees! Now!

Officer Doug Penhall: Fuck! Doug Penhall, DEA! You're under arrest!

Domingo: What the...

Officer Doug Penhall: Put your guns on the ground!

Schmidt: Yes! Yes!

Tom Hanson: Shut the fuck up! You dweebs just ruined a five year investigation!

Schmidt: We had no idea, you're like, an amazing actor, man.

Domingo: You played saxophone at my sister's wedding, man!

Tom Hanson: Tough titty, I fucked her too!

Domingo: What?

Tom Hanson: You little turds. Do you have any idea how difficult it is to infiltrate a gang like this? You see this nose? This is a fake nose. You want to wear a fake nose on your fucking head? For, like, months on end!

Schmidt: There are worse things in the world.

Tom Hanson: We had to get fucking tattoos on our dicks, man!

Officer Doug Penhall: Actually, I just said that to mess with you.

Tom Hanson: What?

Officer Doug Penhall: It looks tough.

Jenko: Hey, man, look we know what its like being undercover. Metro Police, Jump Street division.

Tom Hanson: You're with the Jump Street? That's funny, because we were actually Jump Street.

Jenko: What? That's crazy, man!

Tom Hanson: Yeah!

Schmidt: [referring to a wall in his parents' house displaying many photos of him as a youth] It looks like I died in a car crash and you never got over me.

Jenko: [is asked if he knows the Miranda Rights] Look, it obviously starts with... you have the right to remain silent...

Schmidt: [whispers] You have the right to an attorney.

Jenko: You have the right to remain... an attorney.

Deputy Chief Hardy: Did you just say you have the right to be an attorney?

Schmidt: You do have the right to be an attorney if you want to.

Jenko: Are you ready for a lifetime of being absolutely badass motherfuckers?

Schmidt: Oh, I am.

[Scene cuts. They are patroling the park on bicycles]

Jenko: I really thought this job would have more car chases and explosions... and less homeless people doodooing everywhere.

Schmidt: Hey Korean Jesus.

Jenko: The three keys of coolness in high school, by Jenko.

Schmidt: Mmhmm.

Jenko: One, don't try hard at anything. Okay? Two, make fun of people who do try. Three, be handsome. Four, if anyone steps you on the first day of school, you punch them directly in the face. Five, drive a kick-ass car.

[walks up to car they'll be driving in, Jenko sees it's an old run down car]

Jenko: Shit.

Captain Dickson: Who made this? Are you autistic?

Schmidt: It IS artistic.

Jr. Jr.: We just shut down our second operation. Meanwhiles you two are fingerpoppin' each others assholes.

Schmidt: [mocking Jr. Jr] We ain't finguh-POPpin' each others ace-holes. We're getting shit done.

Schmidt: Sir, if I have to suck someone's dick... I will but I prefer not to.

Schmidt: When did I get stabbed? That's awesome!

Schmidt: We're like, in the end of "Die Hard" right now, only it's our actual life!

Schmidt: Lets make a baby!

Tom Hanson: You little dweebs just ruined a five-year investigation.

Schmidt: We had no idea. You're, like, an amazing actor, man.

Domingo: You played saxophone at my sister's wedding, man.

Tom Hanson: Tough titty. I fucked her, too.

Domingo: What?

Tom Hanson: You little turds. Do you have any idea how difficult it is to infiltrate a gang like this? Do you see this nose? That is a fake nose. Do you want to wear a fake nose on your fuckin' head for, like, months on end? Glue and shit?

Schmidt: Worse things in the world.

Tom Hanson: We had to get fuckin' tattoos on our dicks, man.

Officer Doug Penhall: Yeah, actually, I just said that to mess with you.

Schmidt: [after being forced to take HFS, Schmidt and Jenko try to imagine something nasty to make them throw up] Your grandma's vagina and there's a dick going in there.

Jenko: What the fuck, dude?

Captain Dickson: Are you comfortable?

Schmidt: Yes.

Captain Dickson: Get your... motherfucking ass up when I'm talking to you! I know what ya'll thinking. Angry black Captain. It ain't nothing but a stupid stereotype. Well let me tell you something, I'm black, and I worked my ass off to become Captain, and sometimes I get angry. So suck a dick!

Schmidt: I think I shit my pants.

Eric Molson: Your a cop. You lied to me.

Schmidt: I'm sorry, man.

Eric Molson: But you bought us Taco Bell.

Mr. Walters: You shot me in the dick. Oh, my god! It definitely came out my asshole.

Schmidt, Jenko: Yes. You are under arrest, you have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can and will be used against you in a court of law. You have the right to an attorney. If you cannot afford an attorney, one will be appointed for you. Do you understand these rights as they have been read to you? Fuck you, bitch!

Schmidt: Yes, yes, We did it, man.

Jenko: God, I feel so good.

Schmidt: Is it me?

[first lines]

Schmidt: Hey, Melodie.

Mrs. Dickson: So, how did you and Doug meet?

Maya: We met at a party and then he stalked me to my dorm room.

Captain Dickson: Stalked you? And then what happened?

Maya: Then, we hung out and watched a movie.

Maya: [pause for a second] Actually, we watched it a couple times.

Captain Dickson: This is bullshit! Waiter, can a black man get some water?

Schmidt: Someone get the fucking man some water. He's black, he's been through a lot!

[from trailer]

Schmidt: Yo Sleepy, wus up, homie? Everyone saying that Sleepy, he like the Mexican wolverine.

Scarface: Why you not talking?

Jenko: My name is Jeff!

[from trailer]

Captain Dickson: We Jump Street, and we 'bout to jump in yo ass.

Jenko: Mmmm-hmmm.

Schmidt: Right in the crack.

[last lines before end credits sequence]

Captain Dickson: Jenko, what are you doing, man?

Jenko: Fuck you, Schmidt!

Captain Dickson: Stop dicking around!

Jenko: Hey, captain!

Captain Dickson: Congratulations, you two. You managed to un-fuck a situation you originally already fucked up!

Schmidt: Thanks!

Captain Dickson: [talking to Schmidt] I wish I could have you un-fuck my daughter, but I'ma let that be the past.

Captain Dickson: [talking to Schmidt and Jenko] Now, for your next mission, you two sons of bitches going to medical school!

Jenko: What?

Schmidt: Say something cool when you throw it!

Jenko: One, two, three!

[throws the grenade]

Jenko: Something cool!

Schmidt: [after Mr. Walters mimicked him mockingly] I don't sound like that.

Mr. Walters: Eric! Close your eyes and tell me who's talking!

[makes a whining baby sound]

Eric Molson: [eyes closed] Ugh, Schmidt bein' a little bitch.

Schmidt: I just wanna say that it was bizarre not to share the fact that your daughter went to MC State...

Captain Dickson: I think it's bizarre that I haven't cut your motherfuckin' nuts off.

Jenko: [to Schmidt] What if, Captain gets to punch you in the face, one time? Really, really, REALLY hard?

Captain Dickson: Nah, I've got something WAY better than that.

[cut to Captain Dickson shooting a stun gun at Schmidt's testicles]

Schmidt: [about Jenko] He has one class in Human Sexuality, and now he's Harvey Milk.

[during end credits sequence]

Jenko: I'm really really glad you're back, Schmidt.

Schmidt: What are you talking about? What contract dispute? I have been here the whole time.

Captain Dickson: Hey, shut the fuck up! How about a flight academy?

Schmidt: [while hanging from a helicopter] There's a grenade in my shorts, can you reach it? Go in from underneath!

Jenko: Oh, shit! Is that it?

Schmidt: No, that's my dick!

Jenko: What about that?

Schmidt: That's my dick also!

Jenko: Why is it hard?

Schmidt: I'm so full of adrenalin right now!

Schmidt: Slam... poetry. Yelling! Angry! Waving my hands a LOT! Specific point of view on THINGS! Cynthia! Cyn-thi-a! Jesus died for our sin-thi-as! Jesus cried, runaway bride. Julia Roberts! Julia Rob... hurts! Cynthia! Ooh, Cynthia. You're dead. You are dead. Bop boop beep bop bop boop bop. You're dead. That's for Cynthia... who's dead.

[during end credits sequence]

Captain Dickson: This time, foreign exchange students!

Schmidt: Awesome!

Jenko: Yes!

Captain Dickson: In Russia!

Jenko: What?

Jenko: Did you get Mercedes?

Schmidt: Yes, all by myself!

Jenko: Really?

Schmidt: ...Mainly by myself!

Schmidt: Mr. Walters, I should apologize for...

Mr. Walters: ...for shooting my penis off? Don't sweat it, brother. I'm liberated. Totally. You know they gave me a vagina. It's awesome. You guys wanna see it?

Jenko, Schmidt: No, no, no, no!

Mr. Walters: Eric's seen it. Eric's been all up in that shit. Ain't that right, Eric?

Eric Molson: You guys gotta get me the fuck out of here.

[repeated line]

Schmidt: I'm talking "missionary"...

Schmidt: Hey, Axe, you know this rug rat?

John 'Axe' Adcox: Know him? I practically raised him.

John 'Axe' Adcox: He never calls. He never writes.

Firefighter Brian McCaffrey: [introducing himself] I'm Brian.

Grindle: I'm sorry.

Schmidt: Yeah, it's jumping floors, Lieutenant!

Lt. Steven McCaffrey: So, where's the second-in companies, huh?

Schmidt: Sorry, man, John Wayne time. You're on your own, boss.

Neighbor: Did you hear about it, Grandpa? We maybe all have to move.

Grandpa Martin Vanderhoff: Who said so?

Maggie O'Neill: Well everybody's talking about it, somebody's buying up everything.

Neighbor: I hear they're buying it up for a big factory or something.

Schmidt: My landlord told me he wouldn't have sold only they offered him so much money.

Neighbor: Nobody wants to move, Grandpa, you know that.

Neighbor: We just put up some shelves, cost $60.

Neighbor: I've been here for 20 years.

Mrs. Schmidt: I think we should see somebody.

Grandpa Martin Vanderhoff: Now wait just a minute, don't get excited. We've all been neighbors for a long time, I know that. But if they're buying this property up for a factory, they'll need every foot of ground, won't they?

Neighbor: I guess so.

Grandpa Martin Vanderhoff: Well now suppose I won't sell them my place, what're they going to do?

Neighbor: That's right, you own your place.

Grandpa Martin Vanderhoff: Sure I do.

Neighbor: And they're going to need it too, won't they?

Grandpa Martin Vanderhoff: You bet they will, and it'll take more than money to make me sell my property. Now go on back to work, stop cluttering up the street, we'll all be arrested.

Schmidt: He's talking to a salami. He thinks it's a fan dancer.