Jenko Quotes in 21 Jump Street (2012)

Jenko: One particle of unobtainium has a nuclear reaction with the flux capacitor - carry the '2' - changing its atomic isotoner into a radioactive spider. Fuck you, Science!

[to a handcuffed Domingo]

Jenko: You have the right to...

[forgets the Miranda rights]

Jenko: ... suck my dick, motherfucker!

Deputy Chief Hardy: Do you even know the Miranda rights?

Jenko: It obviously starts with... you have the right to... remain an attorney...

Deputy Chief Hardy: Did you just say you have the right to be an attorney?

Schmidt: Well, you do have the right to be an attorney if you want to...

Jenko: Chemistry's the one with the shapes and shit, right?

[last lines]

Captain Dickson: New assignment. Since you two cowboys love to drink booze, smoke weed with kids, and fuck anything with a big ass in jeans with low self-esteem, I'm gonna send you to a place where all that shit is allowed.

Jenko: Oh, I love Disneyland!

Captain Dickson: You two sons of bitches are going to college!

Schmidt: Yes!

Jenko: No!

Jenko: [while passing different cliques] Those are jocks, those are nerds...

[passes hipsters]

Jenko: I don't know what those are...

Schmidt: What the fuck are those things?

Jenko: [raiding the evidence locker for drugs to take to their party] Got a pound of coke.

Schmidt: We are trying to show them a good time, not ruin their fucking lives.

Jenko: Pound of marijuana?

Schmidt: Best party ever!

Jenko: Booyah!

Zack: You look really old. Were you held back?

Jenko: No. You look super young, were you held forward?

Captain Dickson: The mission is this: infiltrate the dealers, find the supplier.

Jenko: We get to be brothers?

Captain Dickson: [slams desk] Infiltrate the dealers, find the supplier!

Jenko: But if we find the supplier first, we don't have to worry about the dealers.

Captain Dickson: God damn.

[slams desk]

Captain Dickson: Infiltrate the dealers, find the supplier!

Annie Schmidt: What kind of a sick animal draws an ejaculating penis into a 8-year-old's mouth?

Jenko: It's arguably, like, an airplane throwing up.

Annie Schmidt: You think I don't that's a dick and balls? I know all about dick and balls! I partied with Robert Downey Jr. before he got sober, when he was really fucked up and a lot of fun!

Tom Hanson: [pointing gun at Schmidt and Jenko] Goddamn it! Tom Hanson, DEA!

[pointing gun at Domingo]

Tom Hanson: On your knees! Now!

Officer Doug Penhall: Fuck! Doug Penhall, DEA! You're under arrest!

Domingo: What the...

Officer Doug Penhall: Put your guns on the ground!

Schmidt: Yes! Yes!

Tom Hanson: Shut the fuck up! You dweebs just ruined a five year investigation!

Schmidt: We had no idea, you're like, an amazing actor, man.

Domingo: You played saxophone at my sister's wedding, man!

Tom Hanson: Tough titty, I fucked her too!

Domingo: What?

Tom Hanson: You little turds. Do you have any idea how difficult it is to infiltrate a gang like this? You see this nose? This is a fake nose. You want to wear a fake nose on your fucking head? For, like, months on end!

Schmidt: There are worse things in the world.

Tom Hanson: We had to get fucking tattoos on our dicks, man!

Officer Doug Penhall: Actually, I just said that to mess with you.

Tom Hanson: What?

Officer Doug Penhall: It looks tough.

Jenko: Hey, man, look we know what its like being undercover. Metro Police, Jump Street division.

Tom Hanson: You're with the Jump Street? That's funny, because we were actually Jump Street.

Jenko: What? That's crazy, man!

Tom Hanson: Yeah!

Jenko: Hey, you want me to beat your dick off?

Domingo: [Looks surprised] You want to beat my dick off?

Jenko: I'll beat your dick off with both hands, let's go!

Jenko: Fuck you, Glee!

Jenko: [is asked if he knows the Miranda Rights] Look, it obviously starts with... you have the right to remain silent...

Schmidt: [whispers] You have the right to an attorney.

Jenko: You have the right to remain... an attorney.

Deputy Chief Hardy: Did you just say you have the right to be an attorney?

Schmidt: You do have the right to be an attorney if you want to.

Jenko: Are you ready for a lifetime of being absolutely badass motherfuckers?

Schmidt: Oh, I am.

[Scene cuts. They are patroling the park on bicycles]

Jenko: I really thought this job would have more car chases and explosions... and less homeless people doodooing everywhere.

Sanders: You punched me because I'm gay?

Jenko: What? No, I... oh, come on. I punched him and... he turned out to be gay afterwards.

Jenko: The three keys of coolness in high school, by Jenko.

Schmidt: Mmhmm.

Jenko: One, don't try hard at anything. Okay? Two, make fun of people who do try. Three, be handsome. Four, if anyone steps you on the first day of school, you punch them directly in the face. Five, drive a kick-ass car.

[walks up to car they'll be driving in, Jenko sees it's an old run down car]

Jenko: Shit.

Eric Molson: Get in the fucking car now!

Jenko: Not until you ask nicely.

Eric Molson: Please get in the car.

Jenko: What are you doing, trying to find my g spot? Just stick it in. GO!

Jenko: Where do we report to?

Deputy Chief Hardy: Down on Jump Street. 37 Jump Street... wait, that doesn't sound right.

Jenko: You have the right to suck my dick, motherfucker.

Jenko: Let's just finger each other's mouths.

Jenko: I would choke the shit out of Glee if I could... if Glee was a person.

Jenko: I'm sorry, I just can't sometimes.

Schmidt: [after being forced to take HFS, Schmidt and Jenko try to imagine something nasty to make them throw up] Your grandma's vagina and there's a dick going in there.

Jenko: What the fuck, dude?

Jenko: [after seeing Schmidt for the first time since high school] Not-So-Slim Shady? What's up, dude?

Jenko: Fuck you, Miles Davis!

Eric Molson: You made me this friendship bracelet.

Jenko: Well he's not really your friend, he was pretending the whole time.

Eric Molson: I'm gonna cut this the fuck off later alright!

Mr. Walters: You shot me in the dick. Oh, my god! It definitely came out my asshole.

Schmidt, Jenko: Yes. You are under arrest, you have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can and will be used against you in a court of law. You have the right to an attorney. If you cannot afford an attorney, one will be appointed for you. Do you understand these rights as they have been read to you? Fuck you, bitch!

Schmidt: Yes, yes, We did it, man.

Jenko: God, I feel so good.

[from trailer]

Schmidt: Yo Sleepy, wus up, homie? Everyone saying that Sleepy, he like the Mexican wolverine.

Scarface: Why you not talking?

Jenko: My name is Jeff!

Captain Dickson: Gentlemen, you're not gonna sit here

[places pistol down on desk]

Captain Dickson: & pretend there's not a big-ass elephant in the room.

Jenko: [confused] What the fuck is going on?

Captain Dickson: [turns picture frame on desk around, revealing a photo of Maya] *This* is what the fuck is going on!

Jenko: [looks at the picture confused, looks at Schmidt, then back at the picture as he realizes] OH SHIT! Oh Shit!

[laughs hysterically at Schmidt]

Jenko: Oh shit! No! That is not happening right now!

[exits office]

Jenko: No!

[to coworkers, exchanging high fives]

Jenko: Hey ya'll he's fucking the captain's daughter! Yo! Oh my FUCK!

Captain Dickson: [as Jenko is laughing outside office, to Schmidt] Every time, he says that shit? That's another foot in your ass!

Jenko: [outside office] Schmidt! You clearly... yo, this is the best thing ever!

[laughing]

Jenko: Schmidt fucked the captain's daughter!

[sing-song]

Jenko: Schmidt fucked the captain's daughter! Schmidt fucked the captain's daughter!

Jenko: [re-enters office] Shit! Fuck!

[to Schmidt]

Jenko: You fucked Captain Dickson's daughter? Captain? What the fuck, you bragged to him to his face! To his actual face, the captain, do you understand that *this face*

[pointing to Captain Dickson's angry face]

Jenko: right here! You bragged to that face!

Jenko: [to Captain Dickson] You actually high-fived Schmidt for fucking your daughter? Holy Shit! Oh my God, this is...

Captain Dickson: [picks pistol up and places it back on the desk, with the barrel facing Jenko]

Jenko: [composing himself] It's really not that funny.

Captain Dickson: Fuck a 21 Jump Street & *FUCK* a Korean Jesus!

Jenko: [pointing across the room to the statue of Jesus] Captain, Korean Jesus is right there!

Captain Dickson: That's Vietnamese Jesus now. See this is a Vietnamese church, you racist sacrilegious sack of shit!

[admiring Vietnamese Jesus]

Captain Dickson: Yeah, Vietnamese Jesus is just drippin' swag-goo!

[from trailer]

Captain Dickson: We Jump Street, and we 'bout to jump in yo ass.

Jenko: Mmmm-hmmm.

Schmidt: Right in the crack.

[last lines before end credits sequence]

Captain Dickson: Jenko, what are you doing, man?

Jenko: Fuck you, Schmidt!

Captain Dickson: Stop dicking around!

Jenko: Hey, captain!

Captain Dickson: Congratulations, you two. You managed to un-fuck a situation you originally already fucked up!

Schmidt: Thanks!

Captain Dickson: [talking to Schmidt] I wish I could have you un-fuck my daughter, but I'ma let that be the past.

Captain Dickson: [talking to Schmidt and Jenko] Now, for your next mission, you two sons of bitches going to medical school!

Jenko: What?

Schmidt: Say something cool when you throw it!

Jenko: One, two, three!

[throws the grenade]

Jenko: Something cool!

Jenko: [to bandit] I'm your best ni... I'm your worst nightmare!

Schmidt: I just wanna say that it was bizarre not to share the fact that your daughter went to MC State...

Captain Dickson: I think it's bizarre that I haven't cut your motherfuckin' nuts off.

Jenko: [to Schmidt] What if, Captain gets to punch you in the face, one time? Really, really, REALLY hard?

Captain Dickson: Nah, I've got something WAY better than that.

[cut to Captain Dickson shooting a stun gun at Schmidt's testicles]

[during end credits sequence]

Jenko: I'm really really glad you're back, Schmidt.

Schmidt: What are you talking about? What contract dispute? I have been here the whole time.

Captain Dickson: Hey, shut the fuck up! How about a flight academy?

Schmidt: [while hanging from a helicopter] There's a grenade in my shorts, can you reach it? Go in from underneath!

Jenko: Oh, shit! Is that it?

Schmidt: No, that's my dick!

Jenko: What about that?

Schmidt: That's my dick also!

Jenko: Why is it hard?

Schmidt: I'm so full of adrenalin right now!

Jenko: Fuck you, doves!

[during end credits sequence]

Captain Dickson: This time, foreign exchange students!

Schmidt: Awesome!

Jenko: Yes!

Captain Dickson: In Russia!

Jenko: What?

Jenko: Did you get Mercedes?

Schmidt: Yes, all by myself!

Jenko: Really?

Schmidt: ...Mainly by myself!

History Proffesor: Mr. McQuaid?

Jenko: ...uh, Covalent Bonds.

Schmidt: Mr. Walters, I should apologize for...

Mr. Walters: ...for shooting my penis off? Don't sweat it, brother. I'm liberated. Totally. You know they gave me a vagina. It's awesome. You guys wanna see it?

Jenko, Schmidt: No, no, no, no!

Mr. Walters: Eric's seen it. Eric's been all up in that shit. Ain't that right, Eric?

Eric Molson: You guys gotta get me the fuck out of here.

Jenko: It's 2014, asshole. You can't fucking use 'faggot'. 'Gay' is okay.' 'Homosexual', maybe.