Zack Quotes in 21 Jump Street (2012)

Zack: You look really old. Were you held back?

Jenko: No. You look super young, were you held forward?

Zack: Relax, mister. I've seen worse faces at the coroner's.

Spawn: Thanks, kid. That makes me feel *much* better.

Dr. Marie Lazarus: Oh, my God. How did you get this?

Bertha: Stole it from the police depot. Why?

Moreno: You know, this looks like the exhaust system from an F-27.

Dr. Marie Lazarus: No, it's the prototype for Robo's flight pack. The funding ran out before we got a chance to test it.

Bertha: How do you know so much about it?

Dr. Marie Lazarus: Oh, I designed it.

Zack: [chortles] Well, it looks like the odds on the home team just went up.

Zack: [to Burke] Are you a senior instructor at the Farm?

Walter Burke: [wired up to a polygraph machine] Yes.

Polygraph Interrogator: True. OK, if you look at the screens, you'll see that his pulse is even, respiration normal, pupils undilated. Signs of the truth.

Walter Burke: Come on, rough me up, let's go. Rough me up.

Zack: [smiling] Have you ever worn women's clothing?

Walter Burke: [mock angry] Who said that? Yes.

Polygraph Interrogator: [smiling] True.

James Clayton: Were you ever stationed in Peru?

Walter Burke: Yes.

Polygraph Interrogator: True.

Zack: Is your name Walter Burke?

Walter Burke: [serious] No.

Polygraph Interrogator: [troubled] True.

Zack: I do believe I got you covered.

Zack: We're not runnin' from the law. We're runnin' *to* the law.

Reporter: Why would anyone want to own a Sherman tank?

Zack: Because it's very hard to shoot yourself while you're cleaning it.

Deputy Euclid Baker: Someone better have a damn good reason for pounding on my door at 7 in the mornin'. Gonna spend some time in my jail.

[Exiting the Sheriff's Office]

Zack: I do believe I got you covered.

[Pointing main cannon at Deputy]

Deputy Euclid Baker: Oh, Lord.

Zack: Alright you two, hold on, we're going for a rough ride.

Zack: Well...doesn't that just frost it!

William 'Billy' Carey: What is it?

Zack: I do believe we threw a track.

Man: Now my wife and kids is gone!

[mob lights torches]

Man: You all gonna try and burn me out? Well you go to it! But I tell you one thing, I'll take a few of you with me!

Zack: [tank cannon fires, hits a pickup truck] This is the tank. You assholes better move!

Maj. Gen. V.E. Hubik: You know, Pentagon duty isn't bad for a family.

Zack: Neither is fishing, sir.

Maj. Gen. V.E. Hubik: In your hat, Sergeant Major.

Zack: Yes sir, General sir. Three bags full.

Zack: Sergeant?

Mess Sergeant: Yeah?

Zack: That's the best fuckin' apple cobbler I ever tasted.

Cynthia: [Looking at the Scamboland theme park] Wow. Look at all the lights and lasers. I hope there's a Ferris wheel.

Zack: [Looks at the sign entrance Scamboland] Scamboland? I'll believe it when I see it.

Scamboli: [a giant hologram of Mayor Scamboli appears and the music stops] Silence!

Scamboli: Uh I mean, Welcome kids, junior citizens of Scamboville. It is my honor as your mayor, fulfilling my duty to you as responsible members of our fair city.

Zack: Blah, blah, blah, blah.

Scamboli: To offer You! Rides, like you have never even dreamed of.

Cynthia: I had a dream last night, the sun was shining and there were flowers everywhere.

Zack: Come on Sis, we'll be late for school.

[Cynthia notices the flower growing out of the cracked brick wall of the building]

Cynthia: Zack look!

[They both look and gasp as they see a spider robot putting in steel plates on the building and painting it, heading right toward the flower]

Cynthia: Oh no that machine is going to crush the flower. We have to do something.

Zack: Stand back Cynthia.

[Zack runs and leaps from the walkway to the building and slips but hangs on the ledge of the building]

Cynthia: Zack! A Scambocop!

[a Scambocop in his hover police drives up to the building and Zack climbs up the building ledge]

Scambocop: Halt do not proceed! You are trespassing in a restricted zone!

Cynthia: Hurry Zack!

[Zack puts the brick in the cracked wall next to the flower and jumps out of the way and back on the walkway. Then the machine cord gets caught in the brick and breaks. Then the spider robot malfunctions]

Scambocop: Central machine breakdown in progress.

Scambocop: [Central speaker] Copy unit 12. Do you need any backup.

Scambocop: Negative Central, Situation under control.

[the paint tank explodes and the paint splatters on his police hovercar]

Cynthia: Hooray.

[the Scambocop clears the paint off his hovercar with his windshield wipers]

Zack: Another flower saved from Mayor Scambolis grasp.

[They both laugh and run off while a giant hologram of Mayor Scamboli watches them]

[last lines]

Zack: Let us fuck.

Miriam Linky: Nobody wants to see us fuck, Zack!

Zack: EVERYBODY wants to see ANYBODY fuck. I hate Rosie O'Donell, but if somebody said "I got a tape of Rosie O'Donell getting fucked stupid" I'd be like "Why the fuck aren't we watching that right now?"

Brandon: I thought you recognized me from my work, but you're not my demographic so I'm not offended.

Zack: Well, who's your demographic?

Brandon: Do you like pussy?

Zack: Yeah.

Brandon: Then not you.

Zack: That's what porn is: turning the normal into abnormal, by fucking it!

Teen #1: [recording Miri undressing, revealing "granny panties"] Those are fucking granny panties!

Zack: [Zack blocks the view with his ass, then sticks his thumb up it] Sorry guys, am I in the way?

Teen #2: You're a fucking faggot, alright?

Teen #1: Let's go to Starbucks, this guy's a shitty barista anyways.

Zack: Cock?

[throws a cup at the teens]

Teen #1: And he throws like a bitch!

Zack: You know what else I've thrown, my nutsack in your coffee so how'd that taste, fuckers?

Teen #2: We saw your girlfriend in her underwear, cunt nugget!

Zack: Well too bad, she's not my girlfriend you little fuck -

[they leave]

Zack: oh, they're gone.

Zack: We are gonna launch arcing ropes of jism all over this motherfucker! Peace!

Brandon: [fighting with Bobby] The reason... the reason you haven't taken me home to your mother is... your mother with her makeup and her drinking, she's... she's in the closet too!

Zack: They fight just like *real* people!

[after the first night's shooting]

Zack: Hey, how'd it look?

Deacon: How do you think it looked? It looked like shit going into other shit - in focus.

Zack: [to Miri] What an artist. That was Kurosawa's motto I think, "Shit going into other shit".

Zack: Wow, D.P. and editor. You have your shit covered.

Deacon: Please don't ever say "shit covered" to me again.

Deacon: I'm gonna hatefuck the shit out of you, ref!

Zack: Dude.

Deacon: It's cool. He's my cousin.

Zack: You, my friend, are the lead role of Lubed Guy-Baller.

Delaney: Man, he's gonna be balling dudes? I thought you said this was boys on girls.

Lester: If I have to fuck a guy, okay, but I'd rather fuck a girl.

Delaney: What's wrong with you, boy?

Zack: [when Roger's beeper goes off] What is he, a pimp now?

Zack: It really didn't go as bad as it could have.

Adam: A girl is dead, Zack.

Zack: I didn't say it went perfectly.

Zack: Let's think about this logically. She's either alive, or she's dead.

[Adam and Zack are in the rain trying to make space in their trunk to put a body in it]

Zack: Wait! Stop! Hold it!

Adam: What? What?

Zack: It's a Miata!

[after being asked by Burke to sell the Amway-like Confederated Products]

Zack: I need to bathe in sin.

Adam: With me, or one of your other boyfriends?

Zack: [after being asked by Burke to sell Confederated Products] Uhh, wait. Wait. You want us to sell Amway?

Burke: It's Confederated Products. It's a different company, it's a different quality of product.

Zack: Maybe now's a good time to talk about the rules in my room.

Crawl: Rules?

Zack: Rule number 1: Don't touch anything.

Crawl: And what's rule number 2?

Zack: There's only one rule. Don't touch anything!

Crawl: Have you ever heard of the tooth fairy?

Zack: No.

Crawl: I wouldn't fall asleep if I were you.

Zack: Speaking of freaks. Hey! How's it going?

Zack: Why do they call you Crawl?

Crawl: Because that's how I used to get home my freshmen year.

Granny: Zacky! What's my pin number?

Zack: 1234 Grandma, now we have to change it again!

Russell: Check it out guy, he's the alpha male of the store... chicks always go after the alpha male, they're like lions... kings of the desert. And you, you're just a little tiny fieldmouse dangling in the teeth of the lion while he's banging your chick. Oh wait a minute... boxboy, you're like the little hairy nutsack on the little hairy fieldmouse swinging back and forth while he's banging your chick...

Zack: [radio] You're metaphors are magical, but shut the hell up! please?

[radio]

Russell: [radio] Roger... Just going back and forth hairy calahari style in and out with his big...

[radio]

Grumpy Lady: [Woman struggling to load a casket onto a cart] Damn! The thing's heavier than it looks.

Zack: Hi, do you need some help with that?

Grumpy Lady: Yes, thank you.

[They get the casket into the cart]

Grumpy Lady: It's for my husband.

Zack: Oh, I'm sorry to hear about that.

Grumpy Lady: Oh, he's not dead. Not yet. It's just too good a deal to pass up.

Zack: Well, do you need some help getting it to your car?

Grumpy Lady: No, thank you. The lazy prick's waiting for me. I'm gonna make him load it.

Zack: Well, good luck murdering your husband.

[Woman laughs]

Zack: If you need my help, holler.

Grumpy Lady: [Woman on her way out of the store] Excuse me.

Dirk: Yes?

Grumpy Lady: That young man is wonderful. I'll be back for sure, just because of him.

Dirk: [Dirk looks at Vince] Oh, that man there? No surprise.

Grumpy Lady: No.

Grumpy Lady: [Woman goes over to Zack] This is the guy. He's a wonderful fella.

Dirk: Well thank you. May I help you find your way to your car?

Grumpy Lady: I know where it is. Idiot.

Vince: Well, I guess I can get a little anal...

Zack: Actually, I hear he gets alot.

Zack: Were all pink on the inside...

Vince: Like vaginas!

[awkward pause]

Vince: [cough]

Vince: I realize that you don't care about your job, but I do.

Zack: And I want to thank you for caring about my job, really.

Zack: [Zack holds up a mop preparing to go clean up a spill, when Vince appears out of a break room with a mop] You have got to be kidding MEEEEEEEEEEE!

Roberto: It is a sad and beautiful world.

Zack: Yeah, it's a sad and beautiful world buddy.

Jack: This is how you dressed before you were in the joint, right? Sort of garbage man on parade.

Zack: You, uh, plannin' on doin' a little squirrel huntin', Jack?

Preston: Zack ! Hey man ! What the fuck ya doin' here in the garbage ?

Zack: [without looking at Preston] Just leave me alone, Preston. I'm in a bad mood.

Preston: Then I'm just the man you've been looking for. In fact, I've been looking for you.

Zack: That's a bad sign.

Preston: Now, Zack , baby ! I got somethin' real good for you. An hour's work for a whole lotta scratch.

Zack: I ain't interested.

Preston: Then you ARE in a bad mood. You won't even let me propose it to you ! Can you just listen to me for one minute, will ya ? One minute of your, uh... valuable time ?

Zack: [sighs in exasperation] Just fuck off, Preston.

Preston: [chuckles and acts like he's going to walk away from him, but then goes back to him] All I wanna do is pay you a grand, in exchange of a single hour of your very very valuable time. But this ain't no break in, no delivery of controlled substances, none of this stuff. It's just to drive a car, from one part of town to another, alone. That's it.

Zack: What kind of car will that be, Preston ?

Preston: That will be a very nice car. A very nice, very expensive imported car, which just happens to be in between owners at the present time.

Zack: [mutters to himself]

Preston: Look man, all you gotta do is drive the car across town, park it, leave it. I can pay half grand upfront, and the other half later. The whole thing's over in an hour! It's very safe, very clean, and believe me, i can get a million guys to do this for me.

Zack: Then why don't you do it yourself ?

Preston: I'm offerin' a grand so I don't have to answer stupid questions like that.

Zack: Well... I might consider the grand upfront... then I might think about it.

Preston: Jesus !

[a pause]

Preston: Zack... you are in a nasty mood. So just to cheer you up a little bit, I give you 750 upfront. OK ?

[Zack rises to leave him on the spot but he holds him back]

Preston: Alright, alright, Mr. All-Mighty-Hot-Shit. I'm gonna do you this favour.

[he gives Zack the keys of the car]

Zack: [impressed, but still muttering to himself] Oh man ! A Jaguar !

Preston: I'll give you the whole thing upfront

[he gives Zack the money]

Preston: Now you owe me.

[long pause]

Preston: Zack, you know you can buy yourself twenty girls for all of that ?

Nicole: Do you want to take a shower with me?

Matt: Yeah uh... see actually I'm good right now. I just actually... I took a shower.

Jacob: [Listening in from another room with Zack and some other friends] Come on.

Zack: [Drops head onto arms] I hate - I hate him.

Zack: [laughing at Matt]

Matt: [Shaving his pubic hair] Why is that funny?

Zack: It's not a massage. You rub it around the fucking hairy parts, not your whole dick, you weirdo.

Zack: Matt has fallen ill with two acute medical conditions. Blue balls and a broken heart. And my associate, Jacob, and I have found a way to cure this problem.

Zack: [to two pedestrian women] Have you ever lost your virginities? Wanna meet my friend?

Matt: Alright. I sucked... her tits.

Zack: $2500, and all you did was suck her tits?

Zack: You just need to promise me you'll tell me one thing. Just one thing, that's all I want to know.

Matt: I'll try. I will.

Zack: Does she squirt?

[Matt looks dumbfounded]

Zack: Did she have a geyser? 'Cause she totally looks like...

Matt: Yeah, yeah.

Zack: Her vagina was like Old Yeller.

Jacob: No, not Old Yeller. Old Yeller's a dog. Yellow, you're thinking of...

Zack: Yellowstone Park.

Jacob: Yeah.

Zack: Old Geyser.

Jacob: [laughs] No, not...

Matt: Old Yeller. Old Yeller was the dog.

Justin: Old Yeller is the dog.

Matt: What's the name of the geyser?

Zack: Old Geyser.

Matt, Jacob, Justin: No.

Justin: Old Face...

Matt: Face/Off!

Zack: [while on his knees, shaving Matt's pubic hair] So, when you're fucking her tonight, you know what you should say? I was thinking about this last week. You should say, "Girl, I'm gonna fuck the taste right out of your mouth."

Matt: No. No, I'm not saying that to anyone.

Zack: It's classy.

Matt: It's not classy.

Zack: It's very classy. That's like holding the door for a woman.

Matt: Saying that I want to fuck the taste out of someone?

Zack: Absolutely.

[Admires the shaving work he's doing]

Zack: I am good at this.

Lilly: Tons of women get dragged here by gay friends who dump them for poppers and handjobs.

Zack: Um, I'm right here.

Lilly: Yeah, but your brain isn't. It's in Benji's pants or Casey's ass or some shit like that.

Zack: Damn, don't bruise me before the underwear party.

Zack: First comes love, then comes marriage - but they never warn you about the three-ways in between.

Zack: [to Casey] Ryan1989, you're way hotter than your pic.

Casey: I'm so glad I stalked you.

Zack: What are some of your skills?

Casey: Huh?

Zack: Things you can do to help with the auction since we can't sell you?

Lionel: Ah, you can cling onto that anytime you like, Snugglebear.

Zack: That's it. We're through. Get out.

Lionel: Can't I at least cum first?

Zack: You can say THAT again.

Ryan: Mind if I don't?

Zack: It's been six months and I still feel like you're pulling away.

Lionel: Because you're always clingin' onto me like that fucking detergent bear.

Zack: He's lucky to have you - except for the raping part.

Zack: I hate the Internet.

Tandy: You can use it for things other than sex.

Zack: Like what?

Tandy: [thinking] Well, maybe gay people can't.

Roger: I look like Ricky Martin's asshole.

Zack: You need a lot more blood for that.

Zack: If y'all wanna talk about bitches and guns and football, I can feel it, yo.

Jason: I'm straight, not brain-dead.

Zack: I got a hunch you're gonna start feeling human real soon.

Zack: You've ever had to kiss a guy before?

Benji: How bad could it be?

Zack: He has his name sewn into his underwear. There's nothing to be jealous about.

Zack: [infected with poison oak] It's like my whole body is a circumcision wound.

Benji: I'm close.

Zack: Me, too.

Benji: I love theater.

Zack: Do you like any of the girls here, bro?

Benji: Bro?

Zack: I don't know. Isn't that what guys say to each other?

Benji: In gay pornos, maybe, or the south.

Mickey: [holding Zack at gunpoint] This guy's a menace.

Zack: I'd rather hear the gun go off than listen to this shit.

Zack: [asking for advice on poker hand] Max?

Max: No! Not with the moon in Pluto.

Zack: [paraphrasing the final line of Goethe's Faust] Also, Herr Mueller. Ewige Weiblichkeit zieht uns hinan.

Zack: 73% of all serial killers vote Republican

Bitsey Bloom: You know you are in the bible belt when there are more churches than Starbucks.

Zack: When there are more prisons than Starbucks.

Zack: Are you sure you wanna see what's on here?

Bitsey Bloom: No.

Zack: My name is oblivion.

Zack: Yeah, see, I've been on the field against teams loaded with city trash waving their tats and their thug signs. They ain't so bad when it's an even playing field, when they don't have the posse and the hardware.

Zack: As many haunts as we can, all across America.

Fred: I told you before it was over between us both and now you kill people.

Zack: They were coming between us.

Zack: Why don't you want me anymore?

Fred: We're not in there anymore Zack! I tried to make a life for myself and now you've gone and fucked it all up!

Zack: But I did it for you and I did it for us! You said nothing was going to come between us... nobody!

Fred: That was different we needed each other!

Zack: It was not different to me!

Fred: Yeah well it should've been, but it doesn't matter anyway... your're going back inside forever this time.

Zack: I'm never going back... never... you lying bastard

[attacks Fred]

[first lines]

Zack: THE FUN IS OVER

Female Survivor: [sees Zack racing towards her] He's coming back

Zack: What are you doing? We've gotta clean our home... make it nice again!

Laura: Where were you?

Zack: I went over to the caretakers to get that stupid jacuzzi started but the guy's disappeared

Laura: What do you MEAN he's disappeared?

Zack: I'm mean I looked ALL over his place and I couldn't find the guy.

Doug: A couple hours ago, I thought I heard someone screaming. Sounded like it was coming from the woods.

Zack: No one ELSE heard it, Doug

Doug: But what if was the caretaker. You just said the guy disappeared

Zack: Just because a guy is NOT around doesn't mean something HAPPENED to him.

Laura: But what if it HAD, Zach?